Fisherman caught the golden shark *Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs.


I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch. I want to make concrete changes to my life.


A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice. This became a paradox for a pair of docs.


Friendly Letters When I saw the letter h-i while reading the alphabet, I thought I finally had made a friend........ but the I saw the next two letters...


I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad. Oh well, it’s a labour of glove.


New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.


There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.


What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!


A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -	Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.-	-	-	Jane ate her friend’s colon.


A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting


A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says "Gosh, it's spooky in here!" And the clown says "What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!"


A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??""It is not mink, it's polyester!""Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"


New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... "The Missing Link"


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?"The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"


I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways It's going to be called auto-ban


So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."


I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."


What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you.


I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish.


Monica: "Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." Chandler: "How do you find clothes that fit?


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.


I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.


The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ..."This is the whey"(Sorry)


Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”.


Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.


What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser


What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.


Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood. The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"


When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short, But it's really growing on me.


In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue. It was a Wookiee mistakeRIP Peter.


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source.


It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend.


What type of fish can perform a liver transplant? A sturgeon.


How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?


If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money.... .....what colour Ferrari would you buy?


"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?" "It's Amy, Mario."


Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.


What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond.


Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20


What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y


Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it. It turns to bladder and says: urine this?


Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park


Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired.


What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement? A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.


Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.


Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor


It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated.


My dad encouraged me to take a job on a highway construction crew... ...but I decided not to go down that road.


I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective It refuses to open the pod bay doors.


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex.


what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer? I learned it from watching ewe!


How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.


What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port? No thanks, it's bad for my grout.


Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed.


What is the average temperature in China? 451° F


What joke is the same in all european languages? USA


Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck


How do dragon-type Pokemon solve their disputes? They let bagons be bagons


You have to love female accountants... They consider double entry the standard.


I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic.


My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless.


What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.


Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.


What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.


A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*


Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face.


How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.


I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.


2 men discussing why they joined the army.... "I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."


When I was visiting Ireland, I saw a man in a prison jumper running through the street with a police officer chasing him. The officer caught up to him and grabbed him by the wrist, but then the man’s hand fell off and he got away. I saw a real Irish leper con.


What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!


I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them


There’s a reason why China has so many fake items And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’


Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex. Doctor- I am.


What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass.


When you pull a push door by accident and someone says "you have to push" Thanks for that, because my next plan was to start lifting from the bottom.


My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.


What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)


I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.


Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget? I saw him digging through is feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business.


What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards? Moodoo


A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds.


In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"


What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday).


The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian


Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?


A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper... His matey asks, "Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"The pirate respond, "Aarrr, it's me wife, she drives me nuts."


2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April.


I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon.


I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain.


LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.


Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex.


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers


What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter? A weeping Willow.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!


I'm dating a farmer girl I fucked her ass, I enjoyed it but the barn was pretty cold. I guess I'll try fucking her next time.


What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem.


I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head


Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn’t want to be a hot dog


What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes


Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.


What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!


Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison.


Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people's molars? Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.


Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?


What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh? A Ho-Ho-Homicide.


a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”


A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere


At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.


Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys.


How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.


Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there.


I met a girl named Ruth When she left me, I became Ruthless


Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.


My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!


The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.


How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ...


I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.


Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it. From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan.


What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf.


Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp? I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.


A car thief gets brought before the judge Judge: Why did you steel the car?Thief: I had to get to work.Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)


There was a bad accident at the Air Force base. A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels.


I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.


Why are white girls so odd? Because they literally can’t even


Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$ It was a buccaneer


This is how the first tire was invented. A guy had 365 used condoms.  So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear.


I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more


I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though


A grandmother said to her grandson, "The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."


A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."


Why do ghosts love health food Because it’s super natural


The Cart Titan walks into a bar The bartender asks “Why the long face?”


UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist


TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security. Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer.


Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson. For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.


I have a oxygen addiction I tried to stop yesterday, but after a minute I started feeling blue


Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups


What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes? Oh how waffle!


Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors.


Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist


Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon.


I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs...... ...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well.


When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise.


Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm


Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?


I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me. On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.


Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.


It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!


She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


We learn from our mistakes – and never lack for study material.


The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in. They said: "B minor".


How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?


I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."


Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.


What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen? One is a cupid stunt and the others a....


Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the Utter


What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle.


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed.


Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries.


Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered "Yea Tea".


My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.


Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.


Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy? beats me


What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox


What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.


My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach. Now he's got a beer belly.


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake


Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”


A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa." When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".


You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky.


A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.


What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait.


Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down? Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed. Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one.


30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.


Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.


How is Ruth Bader Ginsburg like hot water? She will be mist


What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'


Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste. He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.


Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him.


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe


My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle.


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar.


I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature


How do make a chickpea soup? You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


A guy sees his mother in law riding a bicycle. "Where are you going?" he asks. "To the cemetery" she replies."And who is going to return the bike?"


Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up


I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues.


I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece.


Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation! And I still don't know who I'm seeing.


What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation? Mumbai


The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.


An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.


Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.


I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing... She was definitely a r/subifellfor


What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle


You know the similarity between my brain and my laptop hard disk? Both are actively deleting memory and I can't figure out why


How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back.


Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!


I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy? An ARTY-Fact


I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch. He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"


My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite. I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant.


Today I had Libertarian salad. Lettuce alone!


A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman? Kick him in the snow balls.


My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.


Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell? A slug


What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play.


Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said


My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...       ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.


Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back


What do workers in a tea factory never get? Coffee breaks


What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater.


A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally.


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off


Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir


Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic


Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier.... Hindsight = 2020


A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."


What is the purpose of war? "God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain


What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead? An ambulance


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub.


As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany." "Son," I said  "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"He looked at me and replied "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"


It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology. It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist.


What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again.


What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny


What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary


Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.He said well take these drinks to table. 10.


I've a joke on promotion at Jobs But you won't get it


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving. “Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”


My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period "Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"


A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,"Jesus died for your scenes."


What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten


A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?' Man says 2quid


In Leicester City, no one talks about the cold ... ... because of the>! silent "ice".!<  ps: Congrats r/lcfc for winning the FA Cup (:


A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.THE LADDER! I meant the ladder.


Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above.


Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court? Sediment always settles


What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt.


Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.


When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her? an American hospital


Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans


My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate.


What font does alphabet soup use? Times New Ramen.*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*


My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz


I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature


“You’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?""Ask a glass of water!”


What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy


A wife calls her husband. "The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.""Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?""What happened last time?""He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"


What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? "Let's try a different angle."


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.


Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.


What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field