I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


So apparently Robert Downy Jr came out as trans recently, I had a feeling he was Fe-male


A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen... Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.Him : Yeah, me too.


“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?” “By all means, help your shelf.”


6000 languages in the world And you chose to talk shit


"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?" "My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"


I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them.


After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp. Turns out it was a cagey bee.


My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth.


Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!


Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.


WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep! 25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.


Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe.


Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.


I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."


Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.


P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit


Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.


Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”


Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does! My parents are a great example, they made me


There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong And in the fine area there's a punch line


Why do Swedish people love their country? Because they have Stockholm syndrome


What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”


The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally.


I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.” I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.


Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit. baseball.bat


A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.


If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.


Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living... Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.


A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today Police are combing the area


Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!


What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!


To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse


A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill.


I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...


SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green


Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent... Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear


I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.


Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...


My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day... ... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!


Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.


My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks


What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system


What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer


What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!


Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar


I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.


What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why can't towels can't tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns" The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"Real story.


Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18? Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.


A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”


Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes


Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change? They charged him with crimes against humidity.


I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.


Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”


Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s? It’s like that gun has a Colt following!


I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.


A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence "The marbles fell out of my pocket."Vs"The marbles fell out of my colon."


I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.


I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body.


I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now.


Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server? That would be Hillaryous.Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!


Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"? A good caption always goes down with the ship.


What did the roman dad name his fat newborn? Voluminous.


Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021." China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


The hulk is the only bisexual marvel character He smashes everything


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change.


I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking


Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!


Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”


I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous.


Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer? I'm going to Bangor.


"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.""Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?""Your cholesterol is down to 140."


Can i see your report card ? Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"Son: "I don't have it."Dad: "Why?"Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."


I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together


What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most? An itching butt.


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem... But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it.


A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?' Man says 2quid


A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina" The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"


Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to


What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors.


I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off


A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man stammered, "Yes."Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"


A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”


Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.


I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off.


My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold them.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance


A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth


My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing. ...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.


Bought A Pair Of Polarized Sunglasses Some people like 'em, some people hate 'em.


My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.


The War on Terrorism.... ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!


What do witches call their garage? A broom closet.


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.


Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I heard Venezuelans like 50 Cent But they call him two thousand dollars.


If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.


The dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, "I know, right?!"


A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets "Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?"Until the woman responded: "Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley"


Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter.


The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?" Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."


Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens


My first marriage was a life-changing event. My second marriage was simply wife-changing.


What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? "I know what I saw."


Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.


Google Plus was the gym of social networking We all joined but no one ever used it


Before Elon Musk got into electric cars... ... he was plain old Lon Musk


I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body.


What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman? OnlyFins.


You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold.


The president is a closet communist He likes to seize the means of reproduction.


Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe. It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.


A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls


Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.


Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?


A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat: Lychan Sub Scribe


Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar.


This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."


How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.


Perfume commercials make no sense They have no relation to the program or chanel


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth


If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.


Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!


I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after Now it smells like shit-rus


What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking.


I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.


I've been laundering money for a few months now. Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months


I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels.


For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.


Yo mamma's so fat They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.


To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.


I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.


What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!


As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably...


Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."  He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".


What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks.


If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.


With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably...


I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk


What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist.


I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise.


Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip. Never mind it is pointless.


Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!


Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says "it this whiskey?"The second replies "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"


You’ve heard about the driver that was tired But have you heard of the cyclist that didn’t show up cause he was two tired?


What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here.


My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.


Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus. Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality.


Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.


Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil.


Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says... I will grind you and I will grill you.


Everyone loves potato skins and french fries, But nobody likes dick taters.


How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time


"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive." I think they've hired Neymar.


I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory.


What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar? You get in the jaguar and drive off.


I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted. Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.


"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name?"Scissorhands"


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.


Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.


What shade of orange is okay, but not great? Mediochre


My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen.


What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo


A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: "Name?"  The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"  The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"  The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."


I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case... She said it’s a sham.


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound... ...the bandage says "I suppose we better wrap this up"


I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain? Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.


What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary


Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.


Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.


Why did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He read the weather forecast you fucking idiot, what do you think?


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice.


if you added the letters S and E to the X files it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol


Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best... Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot


After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.


Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other"Which is closer, London or the moon"The other replies"The moon, obviously, can you see London?"


If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point Because they'd be in a nut shell


Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period


I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box.


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? "Hey there bud!"


I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.


How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? By whether you see it later or in awhile.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space We don't seem to have established a functional continuum


Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet. January — ABCD...  February — EFG...  March — HIJK...  April to December — ELEMENOP.


There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them.


2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May.


My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos. She had to stop after a problem with squatters


If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?


Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road.


A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle. I don't know why, I told him I was only borrowing it for 5 minutes.


A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.


I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses


My Friend Asked Me If I Would Give Up Blowjobs or Junk Food I said are you stupid that's easy, blowjobs.... They make my jaw hurt


I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.Did I do it wrong?


Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering.


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.


I'm tired of seeing Frozen merchandise everywhere... Why can't everyone just let it go?


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988


My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs? I never thought ________ would happen during _______


What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered "Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"


TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK


What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery...


My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:"Yes, that seems like common scents."


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness? Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!


I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here.


How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema.


Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.


What is a crocodile’s favorite party game? Swallow the leader!


I have a oxygen addiction I tried to stop yesterday, but after a minute I started feeling blue


What do you call a list with columns and rows of reasons why you hate people? A contempt-table


What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin


I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?


What's the worst part about an unexpected box of Crayons? It's out of the blue.


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake


I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off


In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons. You could say I was in a pickle.


Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument. Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?


Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants. No Shit.


I messaged my ex on the day before my exam. I asked if she had any good cheating tips


Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long


I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, "circle jerk!". "What an idiot", I thought and replied, "oval, you moron!"


My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans.


What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles.


I've got a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too, but underwater is one of my favorites.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter? They were cantaloupe farmers.


I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me.


What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*.


I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches They're my grains


Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!


The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


Which fictional character i would totally bang? My Girlfriend!


You’ve heard of television but have you heard of Askahearing?


I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging.


I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)


I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation.


Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.


Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled? He made a dill with the devil.


I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.


So I asked a kid from Saudi Arabia what his favorite method of suicide was He perked up and said you want to know how to start a newspaper column


Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"


The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes. Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up.


An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: "Well that's a croc."


Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.


What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.


Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even.


A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"


I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often


What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill.


I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”


Scientists are making a big show about this new crop of Okra they engineered to not give you gas... It's called Okra Windfrey.


Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.


Why does the brain experience so much anxiety? Because it’s part of the nervous system


Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


People are always telling me to follow my dream. But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.


In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash.


What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand.


I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award. Golden globes


I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes. I just can’t see them taking off.


What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.


What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics" I never understood why bird watching was wrong


Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar


Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts


What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word? Heroine


What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career? His driving game.


For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once.


My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe. But I would never trade the world for more time.


My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office


Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.


If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized He would have built the wall using his own money.


Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.


Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel.


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April.


A cannibal shows up late for dinner They gave him the cold shoulder.


My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking.


my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers.


What do you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.


What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)


Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most? Because they're going to need a suture soon!


My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup, So his mother gave him and earful.


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me.


Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”


Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants


What do healthy cows eat for breakfast? Mooesli


When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride.


Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced? I thought they had a really strong foundation


What's the best state to grow vegetables in? Okra-homa


What do you use to build a roof out of cheese? Kraft Shingles


What is the worst thing for a woman to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."


There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?" Bobert: "No."


I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”


A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes: Oh my god. Who's bra is this NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.


A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of? Glass


There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.


Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl? Because he wanted a piggyback.


I used to have a good life , successful job and health Then i stopped playing Sims


You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper


iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.


What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia


(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”


Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?....... She says "sure"... and goes in there.  Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.Monica says "That's not a clock".  To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".


Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.


What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising 2. Under-delivering


Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo.


Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.


What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance.


My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point


There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows. The Your Mom approach.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is


I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go. I can't put it down.


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.


How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.


Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares.


What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one.


What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan."


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?


Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?


Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow.


I've got the attention span of a mosquito. It sucks.


Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs. Sell them.


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.


My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.


What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


What do ISIS and anime fans have in common? They both get hot and bothered over cartoons.


I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.


I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.


My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day So I nip out and fuck his wife.


Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough. She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.  I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.She goes "ewwww, that stinks.  Oh my God I can taste it!!!".Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't  have Covid".


have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized.


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a *bear*!"


I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"


“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”


A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, "you got any ID?"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."


How do physicians get into the hospital? the doc door


I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids. You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"


The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach unless he’s a vegetarian.Then you can get there through his vagina.


A tree fell over where I was standing What a re-leaf  I moved out of the way in time


After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner


At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)


It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed. One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.


When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called? Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary... ...geography.


I have a job at the mint making paper currency. That’s right, my job isn’t making cents.


Whenever my husband opens his wardrobe he shouts and curses.
 I think he's a cross dresser.


I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto


Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word


The lives of morbidly obese people are like hourglasses If they don’t get turned upside down soon enough, they will be done.


Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist


Name a ground breaking invention A shovel


How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free Tit for tat


Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery.


I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses


Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him... Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free? They check the Gluten Tag


Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose.


A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock.


Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines


What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.


Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.


How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.


Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It lifts their spirits.


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.


Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!


Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We don't want your type here. Beef jerky.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.