How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.


Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock


Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.


A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says."Oh... who's on your back?""That's Michelle", he replies.


How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.


An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."


How do you turn a spoon into a fork? Open up the drawers.


Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right


It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on


I've been laundering money for a few months now. Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months


Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"


I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella.


Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.


It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed. One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.


A young mosquito tries flying for the first time When the mosquito came back, the mother asks, "how was your first flight dear?" The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"


When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying It's must be too highly strung


How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? only one cause they don't like to share the spot light


Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar. [ERROR 404: NOT FOUND]


What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change


Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key


My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


A filthy toothbrush.. One day the toothbrush had enough of it and said “damn, I have the filthiest job in the whole wide world”. The toilet paper replied: “ you sure?”.


I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”


Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things


Are you element 117? Because you're the only ten I seen.


I ruptured my colon by farting It was a gas


Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community? Two Mennonite


I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’


"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?""Nothing."


If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons ...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl* m’theydy


I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down.


What was the name of the physician who could smell the future? NostrildamusI made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)


What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability


How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated.


Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.


People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.


What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!


Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.


Which metal do we need the soonest? Silver, it's *argent*


What do you call it when perfume makers try to take over the world? Cologneialism


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years. Never knew he was a barber.


phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.


As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.  I titled the course: "Prose and Cons".


On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods. You'll get Jurasskicked.


Darth Vader: *heavy breathing* **Admiral Motti:** oh great, he's jerking off using the force again.


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why did the cucumber cross the street? Because it was green.


I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg


I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.


What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD


How do cats send message across the internet? They e-meow each other


I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus


Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. Fuck me I'm easily lead


I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


In geography class the teacher asked little Johnny what the highest point of Japan was Little Johnny said, “I don’t know that but I can tell you the lowest point!”The teacher says, “ok, what is it?”Little Johnny then said, “it’s in Nagasaki!”


What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? "A penguin rolling down a hill"My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard.  I felt it should be shared. Lol


If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?


Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime." "Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare."


I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll.


A woman won a wet t-shirt contest. She had my vote. She really stuck out to me.


A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight... “Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”


What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!


Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue


I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!


Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out


Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...


What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel


Did you ever hear the one about the leper and the prostitute? After he was done he said "I left you the tip"


How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out


My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything. But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher. I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?


Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character" Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."


Why do gang members play baseball? They like to hit and run.


"Mom, mom!! At the school they're calling me Mafioso!!" "Don't worry my little son, tomorrow mom goes to the school to put an end to this""Thanks mom!!! But please make like it was an accident"


I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman. We really clicked.


A judge is hearing a murder trial. Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep. After hearing the case, the judge decides.Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.


A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it.


a joke that i thought of 2 mins ago. kid: mom, can I get $20?”  mom: does it look like I’m made of money?  kid: well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?


The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards


I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal... He makes a big deal out of everything.


"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease." "Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm.""Oh wow, that must be embarrassing.  Are you taking anything for it?""Pepper."


I no longer call it "heading to the shooting range". Now it's "going out to yeet."


There is freedom of speech in china but there is no freedom after speech.


Being deemed an "essential worker" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.


This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection.


What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy


Who is the president of china? An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China.""Who's she?"No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"


Who is the grandmother of the French language? La grammaire.


Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is, “You Can’t.”


What do baseball and baking a cake have in common? It's all about the batter


Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings” “He’s Sir Ching”


You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!


What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.


What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***


Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.


Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date? Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"


Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon.


What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong


I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam


If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?


What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires? Cause they would tie themselves.


The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.


What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.


What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire? A flatulence.


If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.


Whats an athlete’s favorite country? Iran


What do you call a fly without wings in a park? A walk in a park.


A policeman arrives at the crime scene "Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?""Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.""How do you know that?""He told me as he was running off."


What do you use to take a cow's temperature? A thermoometer.


What do you call the payout pimps make prostitutes pay them for every John? Hoe owners fee.


A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


A thief has stolen the credit card of a family The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_


Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother


Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office... There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.


What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword? M'Bladey


My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon.


Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery? The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park But in the end, it doesn’t even matter


It is really tough being a dairy farmer. You make money by the skim of your teat!


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.


What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy? Play D'oh


Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams? Redditors are always looking for better servers.


Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights


Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109


What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull? Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.


My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"I said, "No, 6 should be enough."


How do you tell if someone is a Trump supporter? If their hat, shirt, bumper sticker, four flags on their car, license plate, the seven flags outside their house, and their personality doesn't tell you, I don't know what to say.


I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.


A man has been found guilty for over using commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence


Told my Vegan Friend to stop with the Puns. He said oh kale no


Why do ghosts use elevators? to lift their spirits.


Top news stories for yesterday CNN: Trump phone callMSNBC: Trump phone callFox news:  Does walking a dog make you happier?


A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography Teacher: "what state do you live in?"Student: "denial."


Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.


Have you seen my digital boat? Oh wait, its syncing.


I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini.


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.


Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.


Why are cats afraid of cucumbers? They dont like anything cooler than they are.


Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.


An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment They are wanted for dessertion


What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? Sir


How is it "the world is your oyster"? When I'm always chasing that clam


Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide? Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.


Me: I have trained this goat to talk. Karen: This would be fun to see.Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?Goat: MeeMe[to goat]: Who's my pet?Goat: MeeKaren: Ah, its boringMe: Wait it gets better Goat: It gets way better, Karen!


At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..." Officer: Yes?Inmate: I think I have..Officer: Go on.Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?Officer: Sure. Parole denied.


Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class? He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons


Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke


About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA EDIT: Wow this blew up!


What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash


What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry? A cranberry.


Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar. Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect.


"What's HCl?" "uhhhh I can't remember. It's on the tip of my tongue!""SPIT IT OUT! It's Hydrochloric Acid!"


Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker


Dad, can you put the cat out I didn't know it was on fire.


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.


I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist


What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni


I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security.


How do you get a horse out of jail Hay bail


I can make digital art and canvas art easily. But when it comes to paper, that's where I draw the line.


I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song. Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine.


They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?


2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark


For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands! I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!


I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.


Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.


Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second.


The photophobiac's power just went out. He is delighted.


I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded.


What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.


What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm? Walking the Planck.


If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap


Donald Trump was carrying a Colt 45 When asked why, he said it's just for shooting cans.... Africans Mexicans and Puerto Ricans


My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher. He just wasn't meating enough people..


I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today. He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar


A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."  And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."


There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change.


The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens. Unlike their children.


How was it like, flying for the first time? "I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.


A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies.


Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck


An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."


How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.


Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.


"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday."


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers! "I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone."I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis."What about you, Arnie?" they asked....


Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community.


I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym


I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?""Beer and women!", Tim replied


Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.


Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit? No, but Elijah would.


It's all about grip Why don't witches wear panties?Better grip on the broom!


Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.


What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother


Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid She might have crabs.


My Dad is a Nun When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun


MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music.


Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that" To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"


Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?


My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.


Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head.


Women are like sand... fun to play with only when wet.


I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.


My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.


What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation? Ok Loomer


Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? Just switch off the light!


Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.


Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above.


A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.


What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail? "Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"


I accidentally stepped on one of my friends squash. I feel so bad. He told me not even ten minutes before hand that I'd butternut squash it.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time? A ketchup


What do pigs use on their wounds? Oinkment


Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder? Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.


A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.""Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?""Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."


The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!


I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac


A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets "Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?"Until the woman responded: "Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley"


If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.


A starter cable walks into a bar The bartender says" I'll serve you but dont start anything."


I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one. Hey did you hear about Jim?No, Why? I heard his septic burst.Oh I see...Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...


What do you call an element that always complains? a lament.


A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!


CLEAN THE POOL! My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months.     I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”.   I think she’s being a little too bossy.


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind.


Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny


The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:People who profit as a result of their occupation.CONS:People found guilty of a criminal offense.


Scientific Discovery Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.


I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.


I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.


Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood.


Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.


What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?


My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away He died from a hand grenade


In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee


A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”


there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild? Trials and errors.


Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable


Why didn't someone see the plane? It went out of plain sight.


I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.


They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger.


There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount". The possibilities are: end, less.


What's Santa's nationality? North Polish.


"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ". "This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".


A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked. "Maybe." I replied.


Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together That would be a huge waist of money.


I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story Within 30 minutes I had a friend in meall credit goes to u/APater6076


What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay.


What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ? Quran Quran


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


Long term pain During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"


What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome


I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.


How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration? **The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **


I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks. I get bullied at school.


Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply


TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628 Thanks for nothing


Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama


A man walks into a bar "Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??"A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: "Me, why?""Nothing, paint is dry and it's time for the second coat"


How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie


Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back. Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?it would be a Terradactyl.(edit: Grammar)


My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.


Whats the diffence between school and hell Hell has good heating.


Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section... she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one