Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it.


I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]


What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’.


My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow.


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement: "Fake noose."


A sleazy stripper runs for governor After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection.


Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional. But it never works properly and you can't fire it.


I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding. That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.


I just beat a black belt at karate... My next challenge is a green sock .


Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see


TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub.


My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."


It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?


What starts with M, ends in DMA, and was an exciting surprise at the party? My Grandma


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation. 'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.I laughed to myself.'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.'Oh...' she began to smile.'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.


What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.


Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria


what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals? snackula


“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” "Some, I assume, are good people"


I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.


Americans have a strange dialect. It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...


A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.


I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language... They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.


Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air? Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<


How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.


What happened when the bakery burned down? Their business was toast!


What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.


What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!


What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth? Thomas the Crank Engine


For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized.


As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"


Why could Will Smith never get away with murder? First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.


I just flipped a coin. On one side, it landed.On the other.. it did not.


Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly.


What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen? One is a cupid stunt and the others a....


Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.


What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir.


What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.


I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip.


What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark? Do not eat if seal is broken


Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos!!!!Happy Halloween redditors!!!


Three nuns Three nuns were talking one day in their room. the first nun said "did you see the rubber in Father Oharras dresser drawer?" the second nun said "yeah, i punched holes in it". the third nun fainted.


Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out. Finally, he got rid of his Adickson


My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer


The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}"Yellow?""May I speak to Mr. Brown?""Please white while I transfer you."{pink}


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet? It was an anti-crime axe.


I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking. My uncle smoked, and he only died once.


After the hurricane, fixing the fence around our family farm reminded me a lot of r/jokes A lot of reposting


Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll". Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".


I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.


A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives. A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep repliedEdit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!Edit 2: removed emoji


A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:"Name?""Hans Kleiner""Age?""31""Occupation?""No no, just visiting"


Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought There are so many layers...


What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back? A-reptile dysfunction


A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!


I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy


People make mistakes That's why a pencil has an eraser and Katie has gonorrhea


You know what happens when you post a Legend of Zelda song on YouTube... A copyright strike is imminintendo.


Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales


I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”. So I turned it into wine...


It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life


Fat people aren't marginalized They're buttered


I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.


How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind


I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?


I just got the citizenship of Britain I have a sudden urge to colonize the whole world


Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires Turns out, I’m colorblind


Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented? They spent too long processing the negatives.


What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig? You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.


Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.


Between dad jokes and unemployment jokes, i have unemployment jokes the most But none of them work


What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops.


A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.


I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have? No self-control.


Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.


My friend is in a wheelchair and was tired of people "trying"to help him by pushing his chair for him. So to stop this he put 2 dildos on the handles.heh , true story...


People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc. Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?


A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says "sorry, we only do plain"


What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses


If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<


I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.


What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate...


My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope.


My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me.


With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will.


I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was... ...soda pressing.


Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites.


Two black guys are peeing off a bridge The first one looks at the other and says, “man it’s cold”.The second one replies, “yeah, and it’s deep too.”


My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective... because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.


What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times? Farm to Fable.


A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."


Welp we got ourselves a new disease... But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:- OCD cleanliness - agoraphobia - antisocial personality


A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, "that's a really nice phone."


How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding


My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


I've never dated a clam but i have pulled a few mussels


As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!


Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box." The box :"Meow."


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.


What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation? Ok Loomer


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers? Sphere Factor


Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian


I bought Nickelback's greatest hits And it was just a blank CD.


There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.


Why did the scarecrow win an award  Because he was outstanding in his field.


To the creator of autocorrect You can go to hello!


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


Why did the ocean roar? Wouldn't you if there are crabs underneath?


Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her."Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?""Get out of here. I'm pooping!"


I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.


The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base Nothing topped that.


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill.


Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!


Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see


The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise... The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise. They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"The man looked surprised. The eyebrows said, "Thank you."


What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it.


Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it.


After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years


My partner and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.


What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician


Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument But I don’t believe that tuba true.


my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...


In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow.


Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting I make a new Discovery every day


In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old.


My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in


I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue.


The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said... "Please, just wear your police uniform."


I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.


What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex? Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!


Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll". Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".


Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID. But I decided it was poor taste.


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start... So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already


Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus.


What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour? Aquamarine!


Which rapper has the worst perfume? 50 scent.


A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


My dad always called me "Pancake" He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."


Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.


Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons


Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored


me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers


There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back. I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.


My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors.


How do you find a pothead in a crowd? You weed them out


What's the name of the most popular French knight? Sir Ender.


A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference. Needless to say he killed.


A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!


What is a question word. That's grammatically true.


What did cupid play before the harp was invented? The heart strings


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a *bear*!"


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon.


A man wins the lottery, and gleefully rushes home to tell his wife. Pack your bags honey, I've won it big! That's amazing she says. Should I pack for the beach? The mountains? Italy? France? It doesn't matter, he says, just get the fuck out!


What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.


Only 2010's kids will get this. Polio and shingles.


Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?


I’d show you a webpage about erectile dysfunction... ...but I can’t get it up


My girlfriend said I spend too much time on the internet and not enough on her... she's all "meme meme meme"


How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.


I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris... ...normally, the water is l'eau.


I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.


What do you tell an anime character that's turned into a pigeon? Go Coo


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!


I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise.


I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak


I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American. Something about five customers being better than one.


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<


Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, "Where are you from?" The brunette haughtily replies, "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, "Where are you from, bitch?"


a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”


The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out.


What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS. A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale.


"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it."


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a "b" comes after it!


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak? February 14th


How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side


Where do people go to argue in the mall? They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court.


I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head


Why did the space rock break up? It couldn’t comet.


A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.


The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ... ... and tell no one.


What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic


How do you stop a bull from charging? You unplug it.


I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke... but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.


Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching. Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!" This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!” They were still arguing when the train hit them.


I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump


r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.


Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered "Yea Tea".


Why do christian mathematicians hate summer? It's sin cos tan.


A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.


We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.


My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.


The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


What would you call a North Korean news channel? The Medium.


They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab.


During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."I said: “Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


A student comes late to the class Teacher (T): Why are you late?Student (S): Mom and dad were fightingT: So what makes you late if they were fighting?S: One of my shoes were in my dad's hand, and the other in my mom's


I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger... It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising.


There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September It's the dictionary


Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Pull yourself together man


You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why. Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else


Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.


What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist.


How do physicists play Volleyball? In vacuum with perfect spheres.


What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit.


What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere


What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation Hair loom.


When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.


Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant? He was following up reports of a possible hummus side


Yesterday i kidnapped a baby kangaroo. I got arrested in charge of pickpocket


What's an epileptic's favorite starter? Seizure salad.


A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says "I get off at 6."The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."


Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial. My bucket list.


What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.


For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.


I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows She said she could pencil me in.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain.


What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.


What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!


What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?” Mall guy: Oh sure.Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender


Why are paralegals never sick? Because then they would be illegal.I'll let myself out... byeee.


What happens to a failed brain surgery? The patient loses its mind.


Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won.


A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait


I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star.


My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order


What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.


I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”


I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service..


I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause... Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.


Why do we call them side quests... when we can call them...peripheral missions


The Russian Government has released a new streaming service with only state-approved media. All American submissions are immediately denied. They call it NYET-flix


if someone is wearing a gap shirt .. point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”


Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard.


That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people.... And you'll probably never hear about it.


RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.


So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"  The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie


If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB


Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food? Because they prefer ramen.


What do you call French people who like manga and anime? Ouibs.


My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart. He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.I said "Hey, doc!  That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"He shouted "My God!  Do you know what this means?""Dear God, what?""Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"


Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on


A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination.


A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds.


I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once It’s a four loaf cleaver


Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake


Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath. Therefore this made  him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.


What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin


What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common? ...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican.


An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment They are wanted for dessertion


Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”


A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'


My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence.


What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy.


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? Too keep his nuts dry.


If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow.


Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure Slave: This sounds like a pyramid schemeTutankhamen: A what?


Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’


Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories


In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.


Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel.


Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.


Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!


Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat?? No it's got a Crack in it.


I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library. They have an excellent non-friction section.


My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..." "...I never glisten!"She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazyMickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!


Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"


"You shouldn't have opened that box. Just sayin'" \-Epimetheus, husband to Pandora and god of hindsight, everyday for the rest of eternity


The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being "U.O.K.?"


Why doesn’t Louis C.K. grill by himself? Because he likes it when people watch him pull his pork.


Two Melons Fall In Love The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”The girl replies, “No, baby.  I cantaloupe.”


I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No


Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)


If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...


Out of all the aspects of Tigers game Nobody ever faulted his driving....


What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.


Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist.


I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum.


What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism


I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off


What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back? A-reptile dysfunction


A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."


What should a snowman never ask a rabbit? Can you scratch my nose?


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday. This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.


Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.


I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America Now I’m the worst on my soccer team


Why did frosty the snowman have to go to the dentist? He has a very bad case of frost bite.


A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"


Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it "I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"\-from a colleague


Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces. The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest.


I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move.


My brother has been working on a belt with a built in digital clock. Talk about a waist of time.


Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something... this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time


Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.


Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.


Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor


Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more


Why is life like a bowl of soup? Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot.


Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of... Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu


What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s


How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.


In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true.


*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* "Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"


My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory but he is starting to come around.


Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see


"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it."


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!


What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.


Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well for starters the flag is a big plus.


An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar. Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"


The brain is the most important organ in your body \- *According to the brain*


My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon Because she doesn't exist


Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe? He was ruthless


I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide... ...you can call me Ed G.


[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it "The Oregon Trail".


The teacher asks little Johnny : "Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?" "I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !"


A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.


What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet.


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"


“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”


Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business? He was a self made naan


Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.


Why there is high unemployment in banking sector? Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking.


How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud? By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.


Why do sharks only swim in salt water?... ...Because pepper water makes them sneeze.


The day after violent video games became illegal... ...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.


Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide? Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.


A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs" The other chimp looks at him funny in response.The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"


Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics


I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish. What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.


I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”


I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs


What do wars and drunken nights out on the town have in common? A bunch of people collectively inserting themselves into questionable situations because it feels right at the time and rarely pulling out even when they know they've made a mistake.


I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas... So my dad got me two ford transits


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele


What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!


Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it


The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing She is still turning heads.(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)


When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"


Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease On her deathbed, she says to Bob: "I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes." "Don’t worry," Bob assured her. "She is a lot taller."


Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.


I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked Never knew people get paid for sex.


Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)


Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer.


They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find


Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed.


You know those people protesting the stay at home order are really doing a great job Proving that natural selection does exist


The wife stands on the scale Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.


Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon.


It’s amazing how many people get peasant and pheasant mixed up. I was very clear with what I wanted but the chef still grilled a bird for me!


What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world? Germany


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?


What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.