Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name. (His)(panic)


My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss.


Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?


The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air. He must be a sportscaster.


The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie. But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)


"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.


A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”


What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.


A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."


What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error.


I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”


How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!


I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.


Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE.


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.


Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.


Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea


My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery... He can't fly


What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.


Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer


The lead actor in a play has become very ill. This is a case of lead poisoning.


My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like a fucking bitch


What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder? Diableatus.


Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs. Sell them.


I've never dated a clam but i have pulled a few mussels


April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”


Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin." That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown.


Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!


What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two.


I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.


What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth? The dentist


Me and my mate were playing darts he said "Nearest to bull starts?", I said "Baa," he said "Moo," I said "You're first then."


Why did the Skittles go to school? *They wanted to become Smarties*


Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.


Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom? Me neither, the door was locked.


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him "Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling "I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!"


Made love to my wife for 64 minutes last night Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!


A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".


I was spending too time pairing socks after they’d been washed When I buy new socks, I now glue them together


Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question.


What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them? A BOWLD MOVE!it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy


Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time? She turned her car into a tree.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. That's my stepladder, he said. I never knew my real ladder.


My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow.


How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.


My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years. I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store.


Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her.


A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


What happens when Darth Vader sneezes? George Lucas yells "Cut!"


I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?


An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?" "Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."


What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match? Gg Hadid


I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless. Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.


Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE. Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.


They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener.


Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike" What they don't know is what comes after "Idiots seldom differ"


I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts I call it premature evacuation.


Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: "Is there a dog?"


Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!


You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)


Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all. And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on


How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match? Tell him you're going to a women's singles event.


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair


What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's? Oh nana, What's my name?


I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.


I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.


Last Thursday, Bob ran into the supermarket in a hurry. "Ouch!" he said, then continued on his way, making sure to run around the supermarket this time.


Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!


I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down...


If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? **Ag**stralia


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid? Rename it uterus.


I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".


My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day.


Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. "Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.""We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.""That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!" "You balls are 3 inches from the pin."


I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.


Women are the foundation of our society But men are the ones who laid the foundation


Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears.


How do crabs get around on land? They use the sidewalk.


People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.


Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)


Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"


I’m fat but I self identify as thin. I’m trans slender


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What did the shoe say to the confused hat? You go on ahead.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s.


Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.


Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.


TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"


It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein


Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked


What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry


My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again ..


I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out. They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.


What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat


Why is the average American so stupid? Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school...


What are the two steps to marrying a country girl? First; a tractor.Next; fertilizer.


One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?” And thus the giraffe was born.


BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals


Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day... He loves his pot.


Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”


What do you call a Turkish man named Robert? Kebob.


Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick. This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.


Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset? They both cayman last.


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online. Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?


It's been an incredibly long and tense wait but, now, finally, for the first time in what seems like forever I can say ... Today is my cake day. What? Something else going on at 4:09 a.m. East Coast time today?


I asked my cat, "how are you?" He said he was, "feline fine"


If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it. Because#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**


Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering.


Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware! Could be a set up.


What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits


Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.


A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline.


I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.


Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!


Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable.


What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker


What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!


So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.


"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. "What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge."Fu***ng looking for me."


"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?" “Excuse me, what?”


Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!- Anthony Jeselneck


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting. The old one couldn't handle the fax.


I once knew a girl with no eyebrows. she had a hard time expressing herself.


When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?


Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.


I would not say I am a fan of steam punk but it is the healthiest way to prepare punk.


What is the profession of the handsomest atoms? They're atomic models


What is the opposite of a chick flick? A Rush concert.


On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.


My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, "I think those go on your feet."I said, "you would say that, wooden shoe."


Talking shoes What did the shoes say to the capri pants?  "What's up britches!"  What did the shoes say to the black underpants?  "Whassup my knickers?"


Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.


I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago.


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. "That means a lot." The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."


Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events.


My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day. Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy! TrueMotherFuckingStory!! Face-palm!


if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K.


What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.


Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.


Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually


I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck. The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart.


A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."


Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident. They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”


I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.


Today I got asked out by 6 girls I was in the girls' bathroom


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<


What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? HDMI


I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.


Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher. It was a weapon of math destruction.I'm so sorry.


I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.


What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia


Baking is a weird profession Loafing on the job can get you a raise.


To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey


I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!


What is a New Zealander’s favorite book? 50 Shades of Graze


What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!


A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"  "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.  "What's so funny about that?"  "I'm a gynecologist."


Me: I must be out of my mind! Me: You and me both!


Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!


A caterer was sprinting down the hallway with a pan of scrambled eggs. My first instinct repsonse: "I hope they like their eggs runny"


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea


A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge


Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere


Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.


A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist watch as two people enter an empty house and three people leave the house. The biologist says, "They reproduced."The mathematician says, "If one person enters the house, it will be empty again."The physicist says, "At least one of our observations was incorrect."


help shark The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark" i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead


I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell.... But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.


I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive


What's the biggest drawback to voting by mail? Postage from Russia will cost a fortune!


The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys.


I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid They always tasted worse than the other crayons


What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi


Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes? At the owlet malls


It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will.


Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie? A: William Chatner!


My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus? A platybus!


I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.


I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey". I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".


What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost


I killed the glove industry With my bare hands


What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


A submarine sounds the emergency alarm “What is it? cries the captain.“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: " O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?"The Oracle: "Yes."Guy: "Aw."


An Obese friend of mine was going through some tough time. So I asked him if he needed any help? He said “No Thank you, I have a lot on my plate now”.


Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74


My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore.


The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally.


How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb? Closed, question seems like off-topic


Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.


Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Yarn.


Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.


What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out.


I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"... The 5th one will shock you!


I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.


If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever.


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.


It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday...


A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit. I told her she’s too big to fail.


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people. Down, Syndrome!(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)


They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy.


Two high jumpers walked into a bar Two high jumpers walked into a bar.The third one won.


A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros.


Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools.


Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station...The other's a busty crustacean!


If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB


Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.


Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel.


For those who dare steal Death's pillows.. Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions


My Great Grandfather died in the Holocaust. He fell off a watch tower.


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it


Don't joke about power outages That's just dark humor


What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty


What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”


What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


The Interactive Pirate Joke "What's a pirate's favorite letter? ArrrrWhat's a pirate's favorite color? ArrrrangeWhat's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say "the arrrmy""No, the Navy, dumbass"


What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus.


Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought na, I'll sleep on it.


My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography.


Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth... They refer to it as "181".


I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive


Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.


Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.


What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome You don't deserve it.


A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?" Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)


What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning? "Just 5 more minutes."


Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces.


The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana". It's hard on your joints.


Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.


Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke


Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?" "Chilly", he replies.


Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor? He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.


Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.


I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll.


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes: A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, "And what are you?" The man says "I'm a snail." The host says, "And who's that on your back?" and the man says, "That's Michelle!"


How do vampires pay for things? Crypt-currency.


Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won


If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock


Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family.


Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.


I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe


Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff.


Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they? I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.


Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.


What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians.


What do you call a low budget circumcision? A rip-off


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer


Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic? They have had bad experiences with mandates.


I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, "It's not you, it's you."


Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


Mom, how do you eat light bulbs? \- What? light bulbs? No honey, light bulbs can't be eaten. Where did you hear that?\- Last night I heard my dad tell you "*Turn off the lights 'cause you're gonna eat it all*".


Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that.""Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it.""Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."


What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!


Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe? He was ruthless


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it.


So I said to the manager "try before you buy" It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop.


Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap


What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.


What does the drug addicted, sea faring geologist do? Smoke seaweed, does crystal math and sails on the *high* seas.


My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. "Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!""Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"


I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice. Looking back...It was a bad idea.


There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu.


So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.


Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.


How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? You pull down you pants and show him your nuts.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


My wife says nothing rhymes with "orange." And I said, "No, it doesn't!"


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.