All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?


Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.


Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.


All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.


Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!


Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?


And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)


(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!


(re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.


Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.


I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?


(deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.


I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.


You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)


Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!


Stay out of my freezer!Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]


If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.


All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...


You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."


(as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.


Did you make it, or are you just serving it?


Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)


Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-


Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.


The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.


Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.


Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.


Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.


(looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!


You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...


Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...


Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?


I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.


Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.


I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.


Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.


Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.


"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"


Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"


I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.


It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.


Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.


Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)


All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)


What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.


Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)


Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..


I personally could have a gallon of Alan.


Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?


So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?


Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.


Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)


Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.


Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?


(deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.


(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!


(leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!


Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.


Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."


Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?


(trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?


...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)


We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.


What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?


(to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.


Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)


Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!


Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?


Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?


So in your whole life, you've only been with one聴(He gets a look too)聴oh.


I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...


No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)


Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.


Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.


Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.


To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)


So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!


No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.


Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.


Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.


Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?


It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.


Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear聴you want it to be dirty?


It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.


Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?


(covering) What... did you get me there?


Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?


Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.


Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.


Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.


(to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.


We should always always break up together.


You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...


(staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.


(sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!


She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!


Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'


Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.


Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...


Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)


Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.


Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)


(running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)


Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.


It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...


Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.


Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?


So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?


So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?


What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?


Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!


Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.


Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.


Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...


Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.


C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!


Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.


Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)


No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)


No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.


Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)


Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.


What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!


I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?


Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?


Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.


...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'


I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...


Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.


Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.


She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!


Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.


Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy.


Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!


Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)


Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.


I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!


I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.


Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.


Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.


You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.


(chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.


Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)


Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.


(gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that was....


Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.


Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.


Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?


Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...


...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?


Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?


You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?


Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?


Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?


Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.


I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?


No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.


So, uh... what do you think it is about me?


Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?


No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.


Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.


Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?


Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.


You're watching a football game at a funeral?


Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.


So how's it going there in Financial Services?


Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.


Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.


And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?


That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.


I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.


We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.


Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.


No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.


Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.


The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.


No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?


Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?


(sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.


Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.


Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?


I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.


Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!


Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!


It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.


Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.


(Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!


Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.


I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.


I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!


Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.


Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.


That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.


Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.


With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.


Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...


Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-


Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)


(To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)


Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.


Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)


Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!


Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?


Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.


Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?


Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'


You can say that because she's not your mom.


Now why would she say that's embarrassing?


This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.


Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.


Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.


Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)


I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?


I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!


(To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?


Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.


I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)


I'm still mad at you for not telling me.


You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)


Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)


Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.


Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!


That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.


No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.


You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.


Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.


And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)


(to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!


Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!


Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?


What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!


Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio


Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.


What do you mean, like, buy it together?


You think we're ready for something like that?


Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?


Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...


It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.


Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)


(gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?


Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!


Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)


What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!


My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)


That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.


Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)


No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.


It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.


Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.


Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.


Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?


(Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?


Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.


Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?


Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.


So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?


C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."


Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?


Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?


No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."


Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.


Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.


If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.


Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian聴I don't think we need a third...


She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.


Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...


Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?


Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.


Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.


Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!


I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!


Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?


Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?


You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?


That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...


No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.


How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?


Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.


Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.


Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.


Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.


Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.


So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.


Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!


If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.


It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.


Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.


I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.


Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.


Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.


Can you see my nipples through this shirt?


Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."


Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.


Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.


Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?


Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."


Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.


Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.


You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)


It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.


(on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)


Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)


Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...


(walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.


This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?


(on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....


Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.


Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.


Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.


Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.


Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?


No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.


We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'


(Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?


Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.


Pudo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)


Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.


You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?


Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?


(sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.


(to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...


There just don't happen to be any women in our games.


(changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...


OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards.


The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...


Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.


Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?


Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"


Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?


Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?


That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.


Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!


(to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?


Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!


I can't believe we are even having this discussion.


I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?


I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.


Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.


Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.


Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...


Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.


Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.


Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.


Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.


I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.


I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...


Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?


Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.


No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.


Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."


(bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.


(on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!


Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.


What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.


Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?


Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...


I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.


Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?


Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?


I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.


No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...


(investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!


Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.


That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...


Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?


Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.


Well, it does not ring a bell with me...


Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.


She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?


I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?


I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.


Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.


Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.


He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.


Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.


(sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.


Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)


I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.


(sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.


Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.


Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.


A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.


Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?


See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.


I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.


Well, now, I actually have to get to work.


See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.


Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.


That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!


Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.


Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?


And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.


You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.


I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.


Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.


You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?


Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.


(doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.


Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.


Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.


All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?


Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.


Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)


Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?


No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)


(to Joey) You are really frightening me.


Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?


(to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?


And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)


Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)


Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.


(sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)


Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.


Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.


I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.


(sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)


(pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.


Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.


Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)


Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?


(stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....


(rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....


No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.


OK, is there a mute button on this woman?


Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!


Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)


The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.


Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.


Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?


Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?


Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.


Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.


Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.


So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.


He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help whatsoever.


(entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?


No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.


Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!


Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.


People do stupid things when they're upset.


Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.


Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?


(entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!


Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...


Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.


You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)


We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?


Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?


Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.


Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.


Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.


(slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.


(pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?


You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.


All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.


They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.


I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.


Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.


Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.


Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap


Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."


April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.


Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?


Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.


I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?


Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.


Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.


What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?


You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?


You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.


Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?


Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.


You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?


Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.


If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!


Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.


Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.


Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.


Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.


Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)


C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.


If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.


Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.


Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?


No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls... funny.


Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha...


Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.


What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.


OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.


Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.


Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings)


No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.


Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Ross) I love her.


Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?


Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.


I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.


Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.


Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.


Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.


I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.


Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.


We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.


Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.


I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?


No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.


Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?


Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.


Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?


So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?


No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.


So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?


By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.


Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!


If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.


Why did you look at me when you said that?


Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.


Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.


Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.


I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.


Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.


Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.


Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.


I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.


I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.


You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.


Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)


Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.


I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.


You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?


Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?


That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!


(to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.


Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.


Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.


(on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.


Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?


Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)


Please tell me you know which one is our baby.


Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.


What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?


What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?


(looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.


Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!


Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.


Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?


Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.


Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.


Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.


Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?


Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab... hop in.


Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.


OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?


[grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?


Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.


Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.


Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!


Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]


[singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.


For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.


That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.


That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.


Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.


Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?


You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.


Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.


Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.


Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.


Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.


[to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]


[to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.


Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat... all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.


You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.


Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]


[Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.


Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]


Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?


Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.


Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.


Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.


That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.


And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]


What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?


[to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.


[to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.


Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?


Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.


Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.


No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.


OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.


Well, uh, let's try one more... there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.


Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?


I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'


Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?


Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.


Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.


Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?... You're swell.


Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.


Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.


I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]


Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]


OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.


Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?


Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.


That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?


Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.


Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.


I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.


No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.


Alright, one of you give me your underpants.


How can you not be wearing any underwear?


Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.


Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?


Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?


Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?


Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.


Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say.


[reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.


Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]


Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.


Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... ya know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight.


Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]


That thing, it's a uhh... yeah it's, it's a little flashy.


[walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.


Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]


What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.


Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]


I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that... [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good.


Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.


Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?


OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my... [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]


I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now... [Joey returns to his room]


Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]


What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]


No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.


Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.


OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.


Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?


Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.


Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.


Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.


[reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?


Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.


Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]


Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.


You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]


Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.


Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.


Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.


That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.


The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.


Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?


Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.


Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.


Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?


Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?


Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?


Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.


[being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.


Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.


Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.


Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.


Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.


So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]


No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?


Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.


Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.


Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.


Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.


Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time... [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.


So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?


Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.


Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.


So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.


Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.


Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.


Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.


Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.


That's right my friend. It's time for...


I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.


Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?


See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.


But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.


Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.


Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.


Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.


Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?


Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.


There's another carton right over there.


Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?


Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?


[stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.


Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.


[reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.


Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.


Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.


No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.


So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?


What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.


Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?


Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.


Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...


Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.


This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.


There was no fish when she dropped it off.


Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]


So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.


Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.


Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.


Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.


[throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?


[looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.


Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.


Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?


No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.


Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.


Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?


Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?


Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?


Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...


Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.


Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.


You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!


This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.


Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!


Do you remember talking to me yesterday?


Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?


I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]


Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.


Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.


See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?


Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]


Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?


I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?


So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.


Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'


I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.


Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.


You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].


Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.


Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.


Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.


Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.


Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.


No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.


I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]


Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?


Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?


No actually, I was just going for colorful.


That, that is funny. Can I have it back?


Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?


No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.


The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.


Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.


Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.


Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?


Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.


I think you played the Gunther card too soon.


Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.


Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.


Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.


Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.


Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.


Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?


Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.


Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?


Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]


Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.


Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]


Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.


Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.


This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?


Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?


Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.


Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.


Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]


It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.


Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.


Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.


[running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.


Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.


Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?


I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]


Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?


Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]


That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.


Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.


It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.


Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.


I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.


Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?


Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.


Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.


Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.


Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.


Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.


It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.


Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?


Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?


Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.


I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.


Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.


Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.


Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.


And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.


Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.


I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...


Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.


Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.


Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.


Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.


All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!


What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.


Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.


Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?


(noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.


Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.


Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.


I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.


Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.


(looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)


You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?


You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?


Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!


Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.


Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!


Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?


We're not gonna talk about girth are we?


Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.


And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....


I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!


Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.


Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.


(entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up.


Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.


The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.


All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!


Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.


Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.


You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)


Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.


All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.


All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)


Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.


All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"


The cushions are the essence of the chair!


Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.


We used them as pillows when we went camping.


Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.


What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?


Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.


(to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?


Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? (Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)


Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!


Stop it. Stop it! (Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)


All right, that's it, give me your underwear.


(going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.


Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.


Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.


Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....


Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.


Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.


Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)


You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?


Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)


Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)


No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.


Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.


Well, it's official there are no good movies.


Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.


Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!


(entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.


Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.


Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.


No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'


I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.


Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!


Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?


Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.


'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)


Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.


Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.


Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.


Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!


I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.


Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)


So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.


This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.


(in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?


Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)


Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.


....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.


I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?


(answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?


What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!


Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?


Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug.


Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?


All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.


Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can聮t get mad.


Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.


I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.


You know, we don聮t really take advantage of living in the city.


No, you didn聮t get me!! It聮s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!


Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)


All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?


Eh, y'know what, she聮s to political, she probably wouldn聮t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.


Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she聮s too international, y'know she聮s never gonna be around.


So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who聮s gonna be in the country like all the time.


Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y聮know what it聮s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.


Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 聭two聮 talk.


Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!


Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 聭bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn聮t move.)


Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won聮t open) I聮m out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.


Well let聮s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that聮s plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!


Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I聮m not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 聭Chandler Bing,聮 he said 聭Whoa-whoa, short message.聮


Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?


Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.


Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you聮re chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)


(running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.


Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.


Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?


Oh yes, and that聮s what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.


Okay, but after that, we聮re shootin聮 some pool.


(picks it up) And now I聮ve picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)


Oh, don聮t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.


Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who聮s she?


Do you have any beers? We聮re out of beers.


Noo!! You don聮t have a boyfriend because....I don聮t, I don聮t know why you don聮t have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.


Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I聮ve ever known in real life.


No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?


Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.


Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it聮s, it聮s gonna be....


Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)


If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.


(to Janice) Don聮t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!


See, that聮s why I could never be an actor. Because I can聮t say gig.


Hey, I聮m going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.


Okay, well it this bed isn聮t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?


Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin聮! (honks the bed聮s little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I聮ll leave. My bed聮s so boring.


I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)


All right I聮ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)


See that is the problem with invisible dentists.


That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist聮s blouse.


Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?


Janice聮s birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.


That聮s a good idea, 聭Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday聮. I would like to get her something serious.


All right. Look, I聮m gonna go in here, and you don聮t buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)


Well she, she wouldn聮t do that, she聮s with, she聮s with me.


Yeah, well, you聮re wrong! Okay, you聮re wrong.


Ah, I don聮t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.


You tell me! Maybe, it聮s because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!


No! In his office! How many kisses were there?


Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!


I聮ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I聮m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)


She doesn聮t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can聮t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!


I don聮t know, y'know. What, what, would you do?


What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?


Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it聮s, it聮s, it聮s not gonna be easy.


I think you should go back with Gary. I don聮t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 聭You聮re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.聮 and I hated that guy. And it didn聮t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.


Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!


No you don聮t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.


I don聮t care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don聮t care!!


(singing) I聮ll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can聮t resist your charms. And love....


I聮ll be a fool for you. I聮m sure, you know I don聮t mind.


(high pitched) No you know I don聮t mind.


Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh...


...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they don聮t match tones, and they just look at each other)


No, no, no, I don聮t, I don聮t really wanna play.


That聮s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don聮t say that I don聮t have goals!


But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won聮t let me cross the street.


The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross聮s foot instead.)


Sorry. I聮m sorry. Y'know what, we聮re just gonna throw it.


(coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross聮s legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?


(running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I聮m Chandler.


Yeah! Why don聮t you stick around. You can sit right there.


Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.


Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.


Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn聮t I wouldn聮t have a shot?


Math!! You聮re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we聮ll see who gets her.


Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.


Hey! Well, I聮ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that聮s mean!


Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?


No-no-no-no, the game聮s not over, we聮re just switching teams.


No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?


And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?


What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?


Well, you don聮t you have Captain Hook explain it to her.


You hear that! That is her chose, mister I聮ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)


Y'know what, it doesn聮t matter, 聭cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!


Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!


Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you聮re five feet short, so we win!


Guys! Guys! Come on! It聮s Thanksgiving, it聮s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!


Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.


(reading the comics) Eh..., I don聮t, I don聮t know.


Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?


Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.


(reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?


Look out kids, he聮s coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)


Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it聮s the only chance to see New York.


Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?


How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?


He聮s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.


Yeah, that聮d be much worse than being 28, and still working here.


(to Joey) Does this mean we聮re gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)


Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.


You-you-you don聮t wanna give into the fear.


Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)


(to Rachel, who聮s entering) Hey! How聮d the interview go?


Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.


Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas.


It聮s like 聭Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.聮


(to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?


(entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?


Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid聮s pretzel at them.


Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.


Oh, y'know what, I聮m gonna be okay, you don聮t have to throw a party for me.


Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.


Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it聮s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.


Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.


(to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?


Oh, I聮m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.


No-no-no-no, no, it聮s a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can聮t we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey聮s sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.


Well, my apartment isn聮t there anymore, because I drank it.


Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.


Ah, I fooled around with Joey聮s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that聮s not the worst part.


Okay! You don聮t think I thought of that?


(to Monica) You see you can聮t tell which one is which either, dwha!!


Veronica. Look, it聮s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.


Look, when I聮ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I聮m sorry.


Why can聮t we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.


Well, that聮s the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I聮ll be in Cuba.


What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?