What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."


What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size? A Phallacy!


A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."


Two farmers meet at their fence line. They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."


Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house. Police are looking into it. And are preparing a probing investigation.


If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves


Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.


What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell? Under Prussia


What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.


What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!


"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery "Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.And he runs out of the operating room.


What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance


I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.


The two men were in an argument about iPhones vs Androids It was quite the deviceive issue!


This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty


Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.


What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie? Will's myth.


What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... They both look great until they hit the ice.


This one was from my daughter after dinner. What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?IMPASTA!


My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate.


I couldn't be with a guy called stew.. I don't like people's leftovers.


What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal


So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"


"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear."Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."


English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative." From back of class: "Yea. Right!"


I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.


What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again


I walked into a gent's bathroom... and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.I asked him 'Hey are you American?'He replied 'European''yeah, I know, but are you American?'.


How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? None, they're too busy wishing people a happy cake day...


My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!


Introducing digital “crypto” humor. There is no set up. There’s no joke, and there is no punchline. You have to just trust that it’s funny.


A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"The man replies, " like a glove."


Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue? The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.


I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”


Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.


I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed. I'd never felt cilia.


For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in


Deer customer, You are a deer, get the hell out of here, you’re spreading your ticks everywhere, thank you.


First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense. Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!


Matter cannot be created or destroyed nor can it be returned without a receipt.


"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again... "Life finds a whey."


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.


I have just started a relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging though... It took months to get her husband's voice right.


I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.Send bail money.


If fire and water are both elements, what is steam? Better than Epic.


Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.


What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.


Why did Pepper go to prison? A-SALTI made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it.


What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless.


News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures. 451 degrees Fahrenheit.


What do you get if you mix a cat with wool? Mittens


I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience


A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber. Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”


Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!"


If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster You're officially out of Luck this season.


Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.


Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.


An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over


I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.


Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.


I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off


Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes.


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough.


A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. "May... may I speak to George, please?"


The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.


My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."


How can you tell a dinosaur is an herbivore? They will tell you within three minutes of meeting them and remind you every fifth sentence.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible! The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though.


What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers.


All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked **0000 0001 0002 0003 0004**  …


Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all.


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit.


Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)


A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"


What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.


What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.


My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers. She told me I spoil the dogs too much.


What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.


Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed? Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.


My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn.


I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.


I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.


What's the difference between a three-wheeled car and the american economy? The car crashes less


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road. I asked him "what's the word on the street?"


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.


Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.


Got a B in my computer programming class Call that a C++


Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them? So they stay grounded.


I just quit my job working in a shoe factory It was sole destroying


What looks like half an apple? The other half.


I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there.


What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.


What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream.


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why is the air conditioning popular at school Its very cool


What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.


My local off-licence has started hosting a book club. First up is Tequila Mockingbird.


What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O


"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!” “Not this time, your dog died.”


Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.


Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.


What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)


The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.


Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple? He was a rebel without a Claus


Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears.


What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Depends on the amount of foreplay.


How did Batman get out of religious jail? He had to pay Christian Bail


I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick. It was acoustic.


What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!


How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10? By mathematical induction.


It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system. I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.


Are you on the Mediterranean Diet? Because I see a lot turkey and grease.


Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac? Ghost Rider


Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl? *knock knock* Hoo’s there?


What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat.


The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm. I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.


Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area. I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.


Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters.


A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... "Excellent son, good job!" The dad says. "I'd rate this 47/46."


Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested


My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him.


I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything... but eventually it made scents.


What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers.


Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.


I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!” And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”


What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines? Adults


What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping.


I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight Dietician: don't eat anything fattyMe: thanksDietician: you're welcome fatty


What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep.


I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia


What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.


My son asked me: "would you sell me for a million dollars?!?" I said "never in a million billion years!!"He asked "what about 2 million"I said "are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man"


Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers... Succeeds


You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.


Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”


Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised.


I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


Where do all the naughty pancakes go? Flipping Hell!


on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."


Robert Kraft - 7 rings. Robert Kraft:- 2001 Super Bowl Ring- 2003 Super Bowl Ring- 2004 Super Bowl Ring- 2014 Super Bowl Ring- 2016 Super Bowl Ring- 2018 Super Bowl Ring- 2019 Prostitution Ring


An Englishman named "One-two-three" and a Frenchman named "Un-deux-trios" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first... After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq.


What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!


Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver.


A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"


I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious. Nobody saw me. Anthony Jeselnik.


My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her, She


An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef. "No, black Betty.  Ham or lamb"


One man cannot change the world ... Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!


What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation? Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.


What do you call a man born on the seashore? Son of a beach


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


What's the difference between a train wagon full of babies and a train wagon full of sand? You can't unload sand using pitchforks.


What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11? A supreme liter.


Dear Hallmark, Roses are red, violets are blue,Your cards are shit and your movies are too.


What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem? Disappointment


When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it... ...It’s a Peking Duck.


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It's my oughtobiography.


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe


How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass.


I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working! I don't go in my kitchen anymore.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding.


Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work It's a counter strike


The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's.


I am a master of forgery. I have all the certificates to prove it.


Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears? All french bears are ours


Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students? To the suspension bridge.This joke can't even hold itself up...


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately? A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.


Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.


What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic


Whats the difference between drumming and sex? You can drum your fingersbut you cant finger your drums


I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet.


Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.


People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude.


I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down.


Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*


A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"


I heard that people like self deprecating jokes Too bad I am not good at them


Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow? one boos sadly the other moos madly


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's.


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.


These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


They fired the guy who invented the wheel... He was cutting too many corners.


Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash? Because he didn't knead it


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around


What do you call a child born out of incest? Gross domestic product.


Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.


A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”


Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits.


Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


What do you call a detective without his intestines? No Shit Sherlock


Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.


A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass. The flight attendant says "You can't bring that dead animal on the plane."The buzzard replies "It's OK. That just my carrion."


Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party. He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:Ah still love Vista baby...


hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow


HELP!! Squirrels are chasing me! They think I’m nuts!


A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket


When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.


If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.


What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick.


What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA


What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg


These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages. Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.


I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.


Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls? Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!


Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes... I told him not to beat himself up too badly.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
 The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”


Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy


Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner


I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink


President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.


Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change. It’s non-cents.


Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean.


Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm


Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: "Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"


My friend was an ex 'flat-earther' He finally came around


I ate a huge can of alphabet soup for dinner last night This morning I had the biggest vowel movement of my life


Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist.


I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals. The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19.


Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather.


What did the molar 1 say to the wisdom tooth? Ouch! Move, oral get you extracted.


Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date Everyone was like “OMg!”


The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house? I was de-lighted!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day


Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”


What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer


What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*


Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested


Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!


so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony


The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.


I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!


How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast


A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'


Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea? It’s usually a total rip-off


The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves. Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.


When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it... ...It’s a Peking Duck.


What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.


Santa won't be the only one coming tonight although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.


Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West? Because they all wore mittens.


I'm not a big fan of shower sex. The drain hurts my penis.


When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard ...found my mom's body.Smh worst day of my life, I loved that turtle


My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.


What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai? What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?Mac: a Ronin


I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit "went"


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.


A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics.


What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system


Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.


What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? "Get your shit together"


Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family.


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom.... ...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.


What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth? The dentist


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard.


The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'


I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed.


A Response To The Stupid "What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke" Reposted Every Second Day Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake  like that.


When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”


A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring? He dyed.


Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator? It lifts their spirits  happy spoopy day


Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. "What did you do?" asked his brother."I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!""Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother."Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"


Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned


[NSFW] Vaxx joke to help break the ice **For those of you who are worried about the Pfizer vaccine, know that they make Viagra too!** If they can raise the dead, they can save the living!


Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts. There was no sign of a struggle.


What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones.


A cockroach in my home just came out of the closet. I was shocked at first but I made sure that it felt supported and loved no matter what or whome it loved.


I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? >!Gum!<


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop


I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny.


What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman.