6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man stammered, "Yes."Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"


What steps would you take if a bull chased you? Big ones.


When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my Vinyl resting place


I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents...


What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)


My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal.


Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!


Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad It has its percs.


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


why did the bread kick the tomato over? because he loafed him


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance


They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!


I got rare disease Doctor: You have got an extremely rare disease Me: How rare?Doc: You pick the name.


P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit


Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent.


How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne.


phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.


A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail... His homies said he was salty.


If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.


The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush.


It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news.


Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall


It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.


Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate? Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU.


Shark Tank *on Shark Tank*Sharks: what's your idea?Me: ridiculously wide sunglassesShark 1: I'm outShark 2: I'm out as wellHammerhead shark: tell me more


Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus. Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality.


An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”


My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay He said the situation was precarious.


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"


What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer.


If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start


How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew


What's a soup spoon's favorite sport? Bowling.


Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? Because that was its Thor axe.


What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.


How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor.


What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee


What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes? Single.


What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest.


What type of meals do math teachers eat? Square ones.


What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common? They are not important and nobody cares about them.


My father taught me 2 important rules for life 1. Never judge people based on stereotypes2. Never trust a Frenchman


I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime.


What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!


You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up.


A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." *"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*


How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!


My friend and I got into a conversation about Furries. In the end we ended up deep in a rabbit hole.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!


What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery.


In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."


What is the difference between a light bulb and pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb.


Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome


To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in. I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.


Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."


When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx.


A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!" The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?""I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"


I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass.


Why did the nut work at the bank? To cashew your cheque.


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board


Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.


A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties.


Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers.


How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait.


A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”


You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic. Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.


So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.


You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one... That's the domino effect...


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination


According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\*


When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.


Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons.


“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”


The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.


Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS.


What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir.


Being Kissed While You're Asleep is Purest Forms Of Love, Not When You Live Alone.


So I work at a hospital doing circumcisisions It pays horribly, but at least I get to keep the tips.


At an Indian restaurant, can you order bread as an appetizer? Or is that a naan-starter?


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year. Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.


What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe...


Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus? They make the toys.


A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: " O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?"The Oracle: "Yes."Guy: "Aw."


Girls in Bangkok are like a box of choclates... You never know which one has nuts


What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!I’ll see myself out


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen


I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed.


Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens.


What would a snowman say if he could talk? "I smell carrots."


I have therapy for my obsession with junk food. I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch.""Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"


If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you.


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.


Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win.


What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho.


Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle It literally says so in the Bible:"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel"


I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke.


As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction.


My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go


My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst.


The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.


Ever hear about the million-dollar plan to convert the top floor of The Shard into a restaurant? Man, the steaks were high on that one.


What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke.


What do you call adequate Japanese cartoons? Ani-meh


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat It was satyr.


I've just released a new book about Poltergeists... It's flying off the shelves.


What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


The English Language is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.


Who's Irish... ... and stays outside all summer?   Patty O'Furniture.


What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!


Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area.


I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.


I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom? Without their P they're irate


What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece


When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian.


The Horny Crab Two men are talking:"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps."what do you mean" asks the other one."I can't get out of Michelle".


They say that going to school is important but becoming a instagram model is importanter!


What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff.


My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in


Donald Trump was carrying a Colt 45 When asked why, he said it's just for shooting cans.... Africans Mexicans and Puerto Ricans


Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.


I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's "just 'K."


Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train.


England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....


Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face.  After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says "use the forks luke".


So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches. After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.It was a big waist of time.


Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series. The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.


A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared" The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"


I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way


Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”


Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)


My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once. I told her she was right.


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.


My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, "This is Amanda". "It's a fucking what!?"


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


If you get an loan at a bank, you'll be paying it back for the next 30 years If you rob a bank, you'll be out in ten.


The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered "The element of surprise!"


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


3 blonde women were walking in a forest... One of them stops and says “Look its a deer track!”The other one says “No, those are rabbit tracks.”The third one corrects them “Come on guys those are clearly tiger tracks.”It was at that moment they got hit by a train


I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings Apparently it's an Apartment Complex


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells


What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common? They’re both $70 rip off’s


If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language? American


Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!


My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up "Enimem-rap god"


What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.


Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will


What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished.


A beggar once asked me, "Any change?" I said, "Nope. You're still broke."


When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.


What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.


A clam and a rooster meet up for a date. Cockle do?  Cock a doodle do!


An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."


What do you call Aussie girls an their period? Bloody legends


How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it.


My great grandfather is a really spiritual person He’s dead.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place


Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic


A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery.. The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ". Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .


A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.


Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.


Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!


My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been


What do you get if you put blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes


What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.


I just won a water fight against some kids in the park No one's a match for me and my kettle


Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way


My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us.


A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.


For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve. *A student raise his hand to answer.*Student: No it won't dissolve sir.Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.


Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.


Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs? Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs.


Two tigers are walking down the street. One says to the other:'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'


My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day So I nip out and fuck his wife.


RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(


What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do. The clean and jerk.


There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars


mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]


If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"It replys "I'm positive."


Justin Timberlake is bad at geography He sings this song, "Crimea River", but I checked, and Crimea is a peninsula, not a river.


DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."


I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard


What do you get when you cross pussy-willows with dick-weed? Kumquats.


I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer But at least I went chubby dipping


Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.


Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum. I found Himalayan in the road.


An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... "Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.  "You are right!" responds the alien. "See you on Thursday!"


How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away


Forgive me if it's a repost, I am not sure. Rick: What is the name of your car?Edward: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Rick: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol


God wants to go on vacation So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they’re still talking about it!


my brother just came out of the closet I still don’t understand how he untied himself?


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.


My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste. Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.


abortion bill President Bush is sitting in the oval office when a secretary comes in and hands him a slip of paper. Bush asks what it is, and the secretary replies "it's the abortion bill. What do you want to do with it?" "Just go ahead and pay it".


At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.


Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says. The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”


Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.


I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."


What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff? Jacknoff?


My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds. Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.


My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.


A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered."What year?" asked the waiter."Right now!" bellowed the tourist.


China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden."FOR BIDEN CITY!"


What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag


What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME.


Why do owls get invited to parties? Because they’re a HOOT!


"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall. "Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!""Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend. "Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."


I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.


What did the egg say to the frying pan Yolkgottabekiddingme!!


A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?''Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off


According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\*


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says "we don't sell that".He replies "But you have loads in the window"


Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot". It's not too bright but it spreads easily.


What did the snowman die of? Frostate cancer.


Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes


My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't


I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.


It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!


A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar When the bartender asks him why it’s there, the pirate replies, “Aargh, I don’t know, but it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”


Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint


I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other It's a complex complex complex


Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?


I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I have a clean conscience - it's never been used.


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!


Why are farmers so good at drawing circles? Because the are Protractors


So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.


If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**


if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out? interviewer: we meant questions about the job


What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola.


Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually


I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


In Santa Barbara... restaurant employees could face up to six months jail time for giving out straws. That means seconds before the ban went into effect, a waiter could have handed one out and said, "This is the last straw."


What do printers eat on their toast? Paper jam.


I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus


The popularity of origami has increased ten fold.


The world is an oyster Much nicer on crackers


A man walked into a zoo. There was only one animal in the entire zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.


Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer? Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives.


my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came.


“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled “There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches.


What is Megatron least favorite streaming service? Amazon PRIME


Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. "What did you do?" asked his brother."I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!""Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother."Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"


I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver


What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.


My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy... ...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.


What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)


(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!


What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy


I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic.


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


Why doesn't Mr. Spock give hand jobs? Because his Vulcan grip will make you limp.


What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug


Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods.


What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet


Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly. It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.


Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.


People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )


When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant.


My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock.


What kind of food gets the most upvotes on reddit? The cake that appears next to your name once a year.


A policeman arrives at the crime scene "Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?""Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.""How do you know that?""He told me as he was running off."


What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.


Potatoes in space So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic


In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle


I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.


I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!


I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked "Bohemian Rhapsody."


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Something light in light of Hurricane Florence Q: What do corals get stressed about?A: Current events


New Band Name Idea: Suspicious Circumcision They do mostly deep cuts.


My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC Right after I repost it


How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant


I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little.


A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square is... You. You're a square.


When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards? Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.


Could you imagine a market in the Middle East? Because that would be bazaar


I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator? I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***


Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid.


If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed. That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.


I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?" I replied, "Fuck knows."


My friend was recently hit by a huge hailstone on his way home, at least he was smart enough to put some ice on his wounds.


Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor


Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!


How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time


The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?” I said, “I just had to use my keys.”


A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. "May... may I speak to George, please?"


I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said


What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home? "It won't be for long."


I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's. I call it the Stormy Daniel's.


What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong


It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?


What’s black and slides down Nelson’s column? Winnie Mandela.


My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC Right after I repost it


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner."Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar.


I dropped my epileptic meds in the washer earlier. Now my clothes don’t fit anymore.


2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet.


A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”


Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den.


Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!- Anthony Jeselneck


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.


A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it.


Why was the document arrested? Because he was a PDF-file


The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***


What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.


Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one. According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.  It's weird how science works.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired.


Anybody hear about that guy that worked in the calender factory? He took 2 weeks off in March.


Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.


I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.


Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”


Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence


Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call


Why are port holes on a ship round? So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.


If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'


What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand? Humidity


What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t


A cube walks into a bar... A cube walks into a bar and comes out as a sphere. A passerby saw and asked them what happened. The sphere replied “oh I just had a drink to take the edge off”.


Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community.


Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly.


I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.


Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats.


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts.


Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV


What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins? The coins are the only thing heads up...


Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road.


I walked into the book store and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?” Bookseller: Of course. Which one?Me: William.


Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats


What is a pirate's favourite element? Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!


How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain? Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.


You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®


Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around


ANGER MANAGEMENT Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"  Wife: "I clean the toilet "  Husband: "How does that help?"  Wife: "I use your toothbrush."


What do you call an American who doesn't tip? Cheap. What do you call a Brit who doesn't tip?Creasp.


How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ...


How did Mario break up with the Princess? He said, "It's not you, it's a me, Mario!"


What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails? Es Cargo.


Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.


Just joined a dating group for arsonists.... Got a match straight away.


I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality


It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona Arizona is land locked.........They made the law to protect your mom


The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+


In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."


Poor Tiger Woods... One bad drive and he is stuck in the rough.


My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.


As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs. But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.


Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran It’s called Prints of Persia


Two Butchers were yelling at each other inside their store. They have beef.


For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed.


When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill. Those were the Goodyears.


Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history.


Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment.


A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”


What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night? A Polish surname


My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me.


Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again


A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke.


Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources... Babies are fucking useless.


I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho


The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


What's the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.


Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love.


Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.