How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did the cop say to the criminal salad? Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.


I’m stuck on the toilet. Call the Squat Team.


When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout.


I know a guy who was obsessed with summing numbers It was an addition


Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad*Dad: *Clenches fist*Mom: "Don't!"Dad: *Sweats Profusely*Mom: "..."Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"


When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying It's must be too highly strung


My kid’s pet rabbit Gotye went missing a week ago. Now it’s just some bunny that we used to know.


For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times. Today is the Ides of March.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Hunters Birthday Present What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.A Birthday pheasant


Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon


How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge? By having general electrons.


This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?


What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


Why did the pillow cross the road? Because it was cooler on the other side.


TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh


Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins.


A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on


I bought a pair of running shoes the other day Let me know if you've seen em.


Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make. DiCaprio says, “I’ll be the lead actor.”Clooney says, “I guess I’ll be the director.”McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command. PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.


Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam


A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.


So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"


What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).


What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places.


Why was Dr. Jekyll banned from South Africa? Because he was a part Hyde


What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.


Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog


A bear wanders into a police station He was just there to bear witness


Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test. Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.


As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized.


What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.


I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's... Fanta-Stick


The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.They will get to meat of it all.


My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish. Oh well, No Woman No Sky.


What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station.


Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way.


2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”


The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery.


My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal


What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)


I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon... Hwacha gonna do about that?


What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown


I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


What do you mean I can't identify as a television? Just watch me!


Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.


What did the komodo dragon mumma say to her hatchling? You were a snaccident!


A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope


My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden. No way would she have done that if she were still alive.


I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves


What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts


My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months! I also haven't worked in months.


If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?


What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see.


A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here


What surprise did the artist give to the nun? Unsolicited diptychs


A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply.


2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”


What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender


I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”


A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath" The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"


What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure.


One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”


Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.


My dad has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban at the zoo.


There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"


A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?" Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian.


I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!


A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test." The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news


Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages??? Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.


Princess Jasmine used the carpet to get into America She was deported after 2 days because, obviously, she wasn't Aladdin the country


I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.


Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge * Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those


I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year Wear a mask!!!


My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery... He can't fly


A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore


Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive


"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill... "You're all getting fired!"


Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


I'm tired of people pushing me around and talking behind my back. But that's just how things go when you are in a wheelchair, I guess.


Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly.


Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day.


Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.


So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently.


Welcome to cucumber club... “Is this your first time?" "Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."


After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets?Twins!I am so sorry....


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday.


I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program.


“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!” The colombians disagree.


My love life has become like my bank card.. Contact less.


My 6 year old daughter just said to me.. "Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?


I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still


(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.


I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.


The local furniture store sells stools I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.


NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'


What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator.


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.


People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.


Where does a dyslexic kangaroo go when he's sick The Hopsital


Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009 What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony? One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.


Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?


I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.


I touched an open wire, what happened next will shock you.


If your only friend is ghosting you... Who you gonna call?


If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight It's completely out of this world.


To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’.


My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-


I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first.


A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“


Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway


I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there


What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?


This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!


Europe is like a fridge You have the freezing cold part at the top  Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selectionThen down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease


I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time.


I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic.


I hate flat edged shovels They have no point


The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible! The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though.


What do you call four bull-fighters standing in quicksand? Quatro sinko.


English is a wierd language Noses run and feet smell


What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls? They developed a taste for adventure.


I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory. We have been inseparable ever since we met.


A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.


Size difference Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?.................A: An Ant's teeny weeny!


So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit.


What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside.


A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.' The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'


A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?""No dear""Am I part Black Bear?""No dear, your all Polar Bear""Grizzly? Panda?""No why?!""Because I'm fucking freezing!"


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


What do you call a computer file that likes children? A PDFFile


Why was the pancake a bad comedian? Because his jokes fell flat


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.


My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"


What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Are you a USB port? Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.


What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello


Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above.


A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets He was arrested for attempted murder.


How many people from Donald Trump's team would it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval office? 11.Donald, on his desk, holding the lightbulb in place. 10 morons rotating the desk


The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are


A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.The bartender says "that'll be 2020"


My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today.. She said "Handsome coins, over"


Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? To connect its head and body together.


After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES


I stopped by my favorite noodle place on my lunch break, but the line to get in was out the door. There was no way I’d be able to order and get back to work on time, it was a real pho queue.


Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions. They say beggars can't be choosers.


Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.


Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?


What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM.


I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy. Now I'm just a schizophrenic.


What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it


I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.  She asks "Hardback?"  "Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."


A man drops his coin into the wishing well... " I wish I had a giant cock!"Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.


You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin’ Terry :(


A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.


What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


how do you surprise a blind guy? you leave the plunger in the toilet


I tried to make a reservation at the library yesterday, but couldn't... Turns out, they're completely booked!


Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.  Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!


My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!


Idk how to climb stairs Anyone have a step by step tutorial?


Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat.


Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner She tells the man behind the counter that she has a dress that needs laundered. The hard-of-hearing man responds with "come again?" Ms. Lewinsky replies with "No, just mayonnaise this time."


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle


Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence.


Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!


What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs.


I heard that people like self deprecating jokes Too bad I am not good at them


The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor.


What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times? Farm to Fable.


Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan? Because of the Teliban.


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm Because you're annoying and wont shut up


Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.


I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that


I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. "Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"You mean 9 months."Ken is 24 months!" Deborah, he's 2."My baby is -26 weeks old!"No, Karen, you miscarried.


I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking?" she asked. I answered, "It's me... talking to my beer."


Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


Don't Do It In The Dark Roses are redViolets are blueI applied it to the headThought it was lubeNow my hand's stuck to the endTurns out it was glueSorry if I'm leaving you on readRight arm's down to my nudeFor hours I've been on my bedMy folks ... read more


New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat.


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill


What's a corpse's favorite currency? Cryptocurrency


What noise does a dead giraffe make? *thud*


Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....


Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!!!!


The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor. It had a terrible year-ache.


I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts


I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently. I thought I was the only two.


If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...


What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House? The secret cervix.


Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare


When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."


My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".


Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.


When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.


A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.


So I said to the manager "try before you buy" It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop.


Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat.


Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.


What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge? You shallot pass!


A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies.


My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.


Our company got called in to a three alarm blaze at a local Salvation Army store today. Thankfully no one was killed, but a couple people almost suffocated on secondhand smoke.


Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)


Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet." So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"    Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."


Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said


My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.


I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes.


This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting Why he be all slidin into my DMs


What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ? Live stream


What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent.


A farmer was riding his horse: The farmer says "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse." The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, "Moooooo."


What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Customer, Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.


[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.


A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...


A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted.


What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!


What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus.


My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range. The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass.


Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon.


I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.


Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001. What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?


What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson? One of them got shot for touching a kid.


I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON".... (stand back and watch the fun.)


To understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is


Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95


An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight


What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!


My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.


Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand? Fruit of the womb


"What's the deal with the non-linear structure?", the bartender asks. Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.


Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt... "You see those humans over there son...""Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?""No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes...""But dad... why? I'm hungry!""Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."


A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon. But it's definitely number 2.


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


Why doesn't superman fight cyber crime? Because he's scared of krypto currency.


The key to paradise Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.Dad: paradiseSon: what do you have between your legs.Dad: the key to paradiseSon: maybe you should change the locks.Dad: what? Why do you say that?Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it.


If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center.


They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably It was a dead giveaway


Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.


So many weird stuff on the internet these days Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan.


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued... “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki? Oroku, because it shreds.


An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, "Why? What cant get up can't get out."


What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod.


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram


The show "COPS" is no longer filmed honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras


My roofing business is having a great promotion right now... If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.


A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat". Don't believe him, he was a nut.


A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”


I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues.


A knight used to party hard He was called Sir Dancelot


Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly.


Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew? Because it was stew-pig


When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class. Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd


I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code


Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus.


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


A suspected poacher was trampled to death by an elephant then eaten by lions in a South Africa safari park last week. Some hunters claim their work is 'beneficial to the greater animal population'.

Well in this case I agree, those lions might have got a bit peckish otherwise.


Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.


I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing


The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me."Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."


Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!


What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.