Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, "Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"


What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam.


I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the Vodka


I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound


How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !


What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen? A Squid-Pro-Quo


If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?


My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic.


A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon... ..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.


I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash.


I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster.""Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.He said, "No, you're just really ugly."


People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection.


I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green.


[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago...


A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.


I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious.


So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.


Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes


How many black people does it take to shingle a roof?? One....but you gotta slice him reeeeeaaaalllllll thinnnnnnnnnnnnn.....


It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product.


A prisoner digs a hole out of jail.... .... and ends up in a toddler playground and yells "I'm free! I'm free!" and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"


Hey, can I take that pamphlet?? Brochure!


Hey girl, are you Afghanistan? Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.


A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot.


I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle... "Graze Anatomy"


Life vests no longer allowed on flights. Security specialists found out that they can blow up.


Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card? Cause i’d tap you


A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now.


there's really only one reason India is just now experiencing Covid-19 they run on Internet explorer.


Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident... This isn't the first time he got off...


What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire.


For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in


Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? " I said: oaky


What's all this news about Iran? Sounds like they are stuck between Iraq and a hard place.


Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick "I felt like I was being rushed."


What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Pam: "We're hoping our interview seals the deal." Jim: "If not, there's always the army...the infantry."


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.


I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.


What does a samurai do when he fails a math class? He commits Sudoku.


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?""How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!""Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".


7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now.


A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says "it looks like a connection issue".........He asks "is it my technique?"The doctor responds "no, you have a twisted pair"


Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you


If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do.


Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun.


Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in Me: Thanks for reminding me


What do you call a bee's ghost? a BOO-beeHahaha.. like .. boobie. Plz don't hurt me. I know it's bad


An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”


Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!


I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know.


French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.


Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him "Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.


new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)


Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl. The toy was called Stretch Marx.


Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck? It’s a long one.


Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ? Only people in the Woods’


I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools. 'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'


Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees. Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.


Who does a squirrel go to for confession? >!A chip-monk!<


I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood. I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.


Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


Shovels were a ground breaking invention... But dumbbells were an uplifting one.


I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me. Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars


3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.


Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry.


Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.


If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock He'd be Tom Snooze


I went to a self defense course... I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental... I’m going to call it Air D&D


It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.


I tired googling about LGBTQ today just couldn't get a straight answer.


What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building? Going down on the elevator


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet Narnia business


I am a big fan of Fifty Cent. Or as we call him in Zimbabwe: **Ten Billions Dollars.**


(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job.


Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it. It turns to bladder and says: urine this?


(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."


What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass.


A german visits France... and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:- Name?- Albert Schmidt.- Nationalite?- German.- Occupation? (In a French accent)- No no, just visiting.


Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.


Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer? HG Wells.


Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.


Why do smartphones ring? Because they can't talk.


I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper.


How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. "Which ear is it?" he asked. "2018," I replied.


I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines.


What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]


A question for men with no penis... How come?


What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush.


Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products. It’s true, this is something you can’t make up


What does an upset chef make food with? Angrydients.


Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum


My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.


Forecast calls for a heavy downpour of faecal matter I heard it's going to be a total shit storm


What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless.


Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!


Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog... ...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.


What happens when you play a Country music record in reverse? Your dog ressurects, your wife goes back home, you get your job back and Donald Trump finally leaves office.


I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage .. After much argument they decided on the name.Ravi O'Lee


What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny


From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight . Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?


Bargaining A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said "sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists."


It’s amazing how many people get peasant and pheasant mixed up. I was very clear with what I wanted but the chef still grilled a bird for me!


Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof


What did one plane say to the other plane when it was leaving? Biplane


I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective It refuses to open the pod bay doors.


Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake.


When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity. He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.


A man walks into a bar That was in 2006, detectives are still unable to find Brian Shaffer and his disappearance is still a mystery.


The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush.


what do you call a math mistake? algebruh moment


An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says "I can't serve you without ID."


I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella.


Why did God create war? So that Americans could learn geography.


Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa? She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.


Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles Uranus looking for Klingons


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.


A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


What is the difference between Reddit and children's television? Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.


Why is Windows software so predictable? You can see right through it.


A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood


With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"


An accountant made a tinder, what’s in his bio? Gentleman in the streets, and a freak in the excel spreadsheets


Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia.


All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.


What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you? You need a better education.


My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.


Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar... The bar tender looks up "What is this? A joke?"


My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking... But then I saw her face


Why are Americans bad at geography? Because the students who skipped class survived.


Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts


2 dragons walk into a bar The first one says "it's hot in here." The second one says "shut your mouth"


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!" Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."


I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)


What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? “Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”


What do you call it when you kill Disney characters? A Mickey Mousacre


Why are scented candles so expensive? Because they take a wick to make one.


Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.


I have a phobia about cards. But I'm dealing with it.


My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released.


I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis.


What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**


My teen daughter is acting really odd. She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.


I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce.


An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God


Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. "It's worthless" her father says"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"


What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store? Edit:OMG thanks for the silverEdit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the goldEDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM


My grandmother died on her 100th birthday The worst bit is we were only half way through giving her the birthday bumps


When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.


A good percentage of my friends are Nazis That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to haveEdit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!and fuck da haterz


You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom? Cuz he was usyruped.


A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"


On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”


So I went to do my driving test high on lsd I passed with flying colors!


A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.


Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!


What do you get, when you cross a husky and a blondie? Either a really stupid fucking dog, or a frost resistant bitch


I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button


What did the tadpole do when it was being bullied? It toad its mom. What did the other young frogs say? We should JUMP him and RIBBIT him to shreds. Tadpole? He's more like a tattle-pole.You know what they say, frogs have a hard time holding their tongues.


Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.


What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha.


How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it.


At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?


Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter.


Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


Why do plants use photosynthesis? So they can have a light snack


What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common? They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)


I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon


Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?" Me: I don't know. Emerg?Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?Me: Sleep medicine?Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such.  I wonder what sort of education i'd need?Me: Probably night school.


To the guy who invented the zero... Thanks for nothing.


I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor? I beg your pardon.


I just invented corduroy pillows My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide


Jesus was filling in a form. The question was "Do you suffer from Tourettes?" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross.


What is it called when someone cums in space? Astronut.


So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


2 dragons walk into a bar One goes, "it's hot in here."The other responds,  "shut your mouth."Originally by Jimmy Carr (I think, he may have stolen it)Probably a repost, but reddit search is useless.


*Destruction: 100* Wife: I’m pregnantMe: Hey pregnant, I’m dadWife: No you’re not


I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.


What does caps lock and prison have in common? They both turn "o" into "O".


My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”


Left my comb at the dentist now it's a fine toothed comb.


My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton. She broke the cycle.


I really don't like tight spaces. That's why I shag your mum.


A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.


You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent.... That just means urine on the joke.


A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.


I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses


What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que


Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs? Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs.


My left nostril is always very congested. You could say it doesn't get a lot of air time.


Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama? Family discount.


I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


How do you blow up a dinosaur? With Dinomite.


What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.


Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset. She claims he won’t tater anywhere.


I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods... ...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery.


The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.


I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper


I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet JasmineJasmine: HiWife: what the fuck


Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space? Because they can't open windows


Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant.


A woman is watching the food channel... Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!


The Tupperware Bra Heard this a very long time ago. The latest thing in female under garments, does not lift, does not separate, does not support, but it keeps what you got nice and fresh.


What flower is on your face? Your tulips.


What do you call 52 slices of bread? A deck of carbs!


My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long  Because then it would be a foot.


I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks.


There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.


What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."


I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings But I figured I'd take a shot.


Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally? He was Toad.


What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet.


As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized.


Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot.


To the person who stole my pillow I will not rest until I find you!


What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer.


After the dinosaurs died out, mammals became the dominant life form. Unlike dinosaurs, which had scales and feathers, mammals are covered in fur.I guess you could say things got a little bit hairy after the asteroud hit.


Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich? 2 chicks together isn't really their thing.


Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents


So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base.


Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.


OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot.


I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed.


A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars."Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise] ...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


The best bakers use real butter so . . . . there is no margarine for error.


My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad…


A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says.. "If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....


What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one.


What is a microwave's beep sound file called? Micro.wav


In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!


I always try to bank on personality. On an unrelated note, I'm in debt.


Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.


What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? "Sir, you dropped your receipt!"


What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control? An edgelord


I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke... "SHIT!"


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole.


Why are surgeons banned from karaoke bars? Things tend to get messy on "Open Mic" night.


What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...


My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period "Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"


What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness.


What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets


Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?


I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case.


John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t


In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it "Monday"


Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most? Because they're going to need a suture soon!


Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!


How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.


Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters.


Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked.


What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.


Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.


Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality."No" the man replied. "Landmines."


Why don't eggs tell jokes  They'd crack each other up.


What sort of compensation do you get from a prostitute? A going down payment


I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain.


After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'"


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


Why can't you eat Wookie meat? Because it's too chewy...


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the fisherman go fishing on his day off Just for the Halibut


Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.


A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says "we don't sell that".He replies "But you have loads in the window"


Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!


Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb.


Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick "I felt like I was being rushed."


My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.


There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents


Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized "S"


In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be? Mike! Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !


I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.


What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present.


A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ... A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*


I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.


I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans


The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..." One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"


You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas.


Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den.


Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming.


Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus! Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?Russian: BusinessCustoms agent: Occupation?Russian: Yes


A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist


What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush


Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.


A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?


I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl But all they respond with is “Who?”


My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John. I missed the Mark.


How did Charles Darwin propose to his wife? He said that she was his natural selection.


I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk


What did the egg say to the frying pan Yolkgottabekiddingme!!


My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him:  Ok, who can tell me what these are?Me:  (Raises hand) Soy Beans!Him:  Much gusto, Beans!  Me llamo Dad.


What do you call a cellular network for vegetables? A cellery network.


A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back.


What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts? Ethereal killer


On the bright side... We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.


What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon.


Black Widow is just the right amount of hot. In other words, Natasha Warm Enough.


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.


In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.


You know what makes sense? Perfume factories.


Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.


I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked.


What's the definition of Relative Humidity? That's the sweat that rolls down the middle of your back while you're screwing your sister-in-law.


How do flowers whistle? Through their tulips.


I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me


A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \*conversation at dinner\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage.


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.


Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.


What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod."


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency.


The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: "What do you want, Sonny?"He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"


Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first.


Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell


Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.


Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them. I hate junk mail.


Someone must have hated their snowman They gave the snowman two black eyes.


Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.


Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country.


What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire


What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf.


You know what's fucked up? A giraffe at a zoo orgy.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid.


My wife asked if I was still attracted to her I replied “I married a 6 and now you’re a 10, what do you think?” She walked away happy,Which is odd because I was talking about her dress size.


Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus... Hollywood has Terry Crews.


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.


Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\- Ah, this must be outside.


How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them? A manyeeter


I got into an argument with a blind man. He just couldn't see my point of view.


If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?


What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency? Bahtman.Or is it The Bahtman?


The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation.


A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open.


“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”


Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"


So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it


If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea." My family don't like me


An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement.... WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?


A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus. "Do you mean a martini?" the bartender asks. "Look, if I wanted a double I would have said so."


What is Earth's favorite pastime? Making fun of other planets for having no life.


Went to the opticians. She told me that I was color blind.Well I must say, that came right out of the purple.


Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator. Players just don't want lute boxes.


So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."


Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me. The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


I took part in a boxing match where everytime I was KO'd, I'll get a Pixar movie. It has become irritating. I get knocked down but I get Up again


Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say? MESHELL!


If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami? Cocaine


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot Ones an Australian animal, and the other is a geordie stuck in an elevator


I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port.


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


Why can't you trust duck doctors? They're all quacks.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted.


How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb? You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark.


What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago.


A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing


What’s  Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?  Dollars.


When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!


Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time.


What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty


Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves.


Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back That would be truly alarming


What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer? Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives.


Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”


What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey? One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.


My friend said to me "I hope you find a deep hole in the ground to collect water from." I know he means well.


Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Where do people go to argue in the mall? They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court.


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old.


I hosted a huge event for gingers last week Sadly not a single soul showed up.


Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency? They ended up with a massive inflation problem.


My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.


I Just Got Cast In A Commercial! I'm the "before" picture