What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!


My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression


One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.


Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"


A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"The guy says "looking for me"....


A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.


The creator of anagrams died... May he "erect a penis"


Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency.


A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’


You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold.


Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver"Sure" the driver replies"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.


My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!


The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make it last an hour?”


Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.


Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!


Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms. So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.


What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor? You’ve got mail


Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.


Why did I get kicked out All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after


Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it! Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.


I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK.


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it. The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says, “HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”


What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.


A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time.


I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.


What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede.


I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?


Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun... ...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.


Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.


America is the only place in the world where you can drive up to a fuel station and buy a liquid called "gas." That's funny to me.


Guy walks into a bar Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.  Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.


Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


What do Israelis use to find information? Internet n’ Yahoo.


I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?


I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese... I say this with a heavy Hart.


There's this amazing joke about Saudi Arabia's currency, but I forgot where I heard it Then I remembered that I found the Riyal joke in the comments


What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis


How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine? He trained.


What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.


Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East as a fine red mist.


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails? The probability of getting a head is zero.


A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable.


I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.


This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed.


When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx.


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Alabama." "Anybody with you?" "Nope. I'm Alabama self."


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


How do you start a Revolution on a budget? Using a Coup-on.


What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.


Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.


Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”


My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!” I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”“Stop eating caterpillars!”


My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her.


What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.


My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer.


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit wait this isn't googleshit


How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.


I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea. He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.Now I have gonorrhea


My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone


My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my X- box again !


I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar.


What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed.


Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap.


At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years! Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior.


We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin


It must be scary dating an adult film star So many jealous step brothers


When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual


50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is Or what kind of saxophone music he played


I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.


Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married? At the supreme court


Why don’t photons carry suitcases on vacation? They travel light.


What’s worse than your daughter doing porn? When your stepson joins her.


What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater.


I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"


My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles. I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.


My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient.


How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle? A tractor beam


As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction.


What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly. What a surprising turnip event.*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.


Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!


Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet Now he's about to go yell at the table


My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology. She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.


What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic? See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter


I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?" She responded "That's because it's an Evian"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!


A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros.


Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you.


Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame? Quasimodo: I have a hunch.Priest: Don’t make this about you.


How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house? Coz he got rid of all his hose.


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 Cows go.
 Cows go who? No, cows go moo.


I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Dad, what's the meaning of procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow.


The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves. Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.


How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet? He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY


How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day? He had a liquidation sale.


I bought my grandchildren some crayons. I have to say... ... they make my kin scrawl.


Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night


I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum.


So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"  The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie


Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...


On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge


People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces. At least that's the impression that I get.


How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef? He spent his day cutting up vegetables


"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed High school student in poll position


A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before


A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand."I didn't know frost bites."


Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point


What film has the best connection? Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping


What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure.


They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub. I guess he overdid it with the boos


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


How does Trump change a light bulb? He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.


I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.


Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.


What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!


Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection, do Librarians get to take suppressors?


What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names? The Saurus


My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell. Either way, I'm so full of shit.


A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case. The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."


To the person who stole my antidepressants... I hope you are happy now!


Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon.


A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.""Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?""Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."


I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen. Only four of them worked.


I asked my advisor why he didn’t recommend me for dental school. He said I wouldn’t be able to handle the tooth.


Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U.


What do u give a dog that has high temperature? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog


What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat.


Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces But womandatory and childrendatory too


Why did the printer have wet ink? Because it couldn't control P


My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression


How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher.


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...


So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit.


‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’


What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!


Why is this election historic? It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.


A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"Guy replies "First blowjob"Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"


How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy


I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.


Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them... They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.


What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Nobel." "Nobel who?" "Nobel, so I knock knocked."


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves "Earth, Fire and Ice" "What happened to Air?""He kept blowing them off"


Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial? He was trans-bender


What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia


I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps. *wait...stupid autocorrect...**scents *porpoise *corpse


What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa? Rebel without a Claus.


I got a job as a regional distributor for Hostess snack cakes... I got Ho-Hos in different area codes.


One fine day Husband : Today is a fine day.Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?Husband : You had said it once, "One fine day, I'll leave this house"..


How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   .


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS


Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family


If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of? Compton


I love how music can take you to another place... For example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.


What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church


Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo


So many weird stuff on the internet these days Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan.


A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”


Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. It’s true.  Current events have made it less attractive.


I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**


2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark


I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind.


I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day.


I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome You don't deserve it.


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


What burns longer, a red or a blue candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.


Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match? Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't


I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell.


A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face


How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million.


Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it


What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water? Urine trouble!


As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."


My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


Derek and Brian are having a drink together. "You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek."Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek."So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian."I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.


What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe


What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb.


Women who wear yoga pants... Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.


My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists


My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie.


what did the grain of salt say to the doctor? Doc I think I tore NACL


What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail


Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."


Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month. TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10


How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a cleaning skeleton? A grim sweeper.


What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered "You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling."Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.


My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.


I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies.


Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea


Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that... Then IT hit me.


This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About  miles.


Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack... Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...


I got fired from my job as a cashier today... This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"


Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!


Next Time... The other day I drove past your house and you threw a flower at me.Next time could you take it out of the pot?


Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company


Which song would an exception sing? Can't catch me - Avicii


Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”


Why did the Irishman put only 239 beans in his stew? Because if he put one more it would be two forty.


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale.


Dogs invented the Internet. They have used IP protocol long before us.


My girl is so insecure... Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like "Who's the bald chick?!".


I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead. I hope to become a bouillionaire!


My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic.


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist.


My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.


What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it.


I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer.


Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb. I just can't part with it.


What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.


Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.


The shame about ancient Grecian art... The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite.


A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says "Many buffalo come"The Cowboy asks "Can you hear them?"Then Indian says  " No, ground sticky."


Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece.


Hey girl, are you an angle? Cos I'm sinning to know you.


I asked my grandson if he had a newspaper. He said “nobody buys a newspaper anymore, use my iPad” He was shocked when it smashed against the wall. That damn fly never knew what hit it.


Why was the JavaScript developer sad? Because he didn't Node how to Express himself


Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?” “Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”


My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.


A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast.


How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour.


Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle? It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!


Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work It's a counter strike


Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain. Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.


-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping? -Yes, and you don't seem surprised


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram


There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.


What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge? By having general electrons.


The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free. Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.


Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out.


What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe


I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security.


I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."


A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"


A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!


Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more


A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'


Need help. My Glade air freshener stopped working. I can't find anything wrong with it. It just doesn't make any scents.


How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.


Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist.


What do you call a perfume for amphibians? A frogrance  I just made this up. I hope you like it


What do Donald Trump and Tony the Tiger share in common? Both are orange and both say They're Gr-r-reat!


I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer. It’s called Prose and Cons


Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"


When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume.


A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”


A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?” The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."


What did the American elevator say to the British elevator? You lift bro?


How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?""How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!""Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".


I just caught a gorilla spying on me. I said “there is no need to pry mate”


What do you call a bull that is always felling sleepy? A bulldozer.


Finding five dollars can make your whole day But making five dollars can make your hole weak


My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time.. is where you put the cucumber.


What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse


My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go


Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you.


I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.


Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?" "Making a bolt for the door, your honour."


A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”


What's the one currency superman can't hold? Kryptocurrency.


How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria.


Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night. One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "


Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags


Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!