I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984.


What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss? A conga in an old people's home


What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic? See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter


Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix. Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...


What is Ravioli's favourite party game? Pasta parcel


How do pickles enjoy their day off? They relish it


The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down.


The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


Why do smartphones ring? Because they can't talk.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


I am friends with a farmer and his windmill. One likes country music while the other is a big metal fan.


The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis


[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief? Ding dong ditch.


I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics... But then I came to my census


How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? 87. 1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.


Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease? Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.


Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza? ###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...I know where the door is.


My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating I peaked early.


I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool. Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.


So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"  The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie


I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers. She didn't remember.


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.


I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed. And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.


A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.


A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."


Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers


I read a book called anticlimactic... the first half was good.


When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ... I think they were an item.


A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire. He suffered a Corona discharge.


Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies.


What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.


Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels? Emperor Palpatine


What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar? You get in the jaguar and drive off.


What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.


What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap.


The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor.


Michael Jackson was a feature on Drakes song “Don’t Matter To Me” It’s really cool to see that Drake supports underground artists.


What's the difference between a rental car and a Jeep? There are some places you wouldn't take a Jeep.(I mean taking it off road and abusing it)


On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.


Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door and I just kept playing


BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches


Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast? It had too much melonin it


I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it.


Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics.


Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?" The girl leaned over and said:“Burrr… gurrr… King.”


I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.


From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs? Appawtizer


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron


I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.


I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working! I don't go in my kitchen anymore.


My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.


What's the most logical building in the USA? The US Mint.. it makes a lot of cents.


What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it.


You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What are the Avatar elements? Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips


I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.


What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum? Political RectumsExample sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum.


How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow


Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up... I told her it was a good idea.We can cover more ground that way...


Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”


I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong.


I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert


I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist.


What did the Italian say after the hail storm? "My car! issa Al Dente."


Different body parts rate each other The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”


r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time.


- Did you know that airplanes black boxes are actually orange? - What? I thought they were boxes!


A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber. Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”


FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio. Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.


What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe


Did you hear about the table made out of tires? It probably took a good year or two to make it


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


*At the library* “Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”“Left corner, on the top shelf!”


So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"


So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't.


Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


How does Cthulhu wear a tie? With an Eldritch knot.


Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts.


English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"What is a ternative?


What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!


Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs.


Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19. I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.


My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation. They said I had a pre existing condition.


What did one math book say to the other? "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems."


When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground.. ..take it out, flip it over and lower again.


A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"He said "It's my carri-on luggage"*sorry sorry sorry*


"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" I told as I was taking away his dental implant.


What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow.


A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"


Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase.


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


hey guys im trying out jokes, What do you get when oxygen and iron meet? Ah darn, I forgot the punchline. Sorry guys Im a little rusty


Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"He said "I am very hungry"I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.


BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.


My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either.


It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'


If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon.


What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air.


What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me.


What do you do if you see a BMW using a turn signal? Call the police, it's obviously stolen.


Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!


What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.


I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry He has selfie steam issues.


How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature.


Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


I still remember my grandmother’s last words. ‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’


I knew a nun once who was addicted to wearing clothes a third of her size. I never could figure out how she got into the habit.


The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related.


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020.


How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training


I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet... I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”


3 knights walk into a bar with their swords. The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”The knights say, “in case of mimics.”The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.


I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star.


I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice.


So the police have a new slogan. So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.


I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus. I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.


I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?""Beer and women!", Tim replied


Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.


A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away.


Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.


A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs. The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."


I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.


I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.


Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.


I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz


The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.


Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?" Me: "On the way here, silly."


What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches? an erection


What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me


Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!


I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering


Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)


Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view


Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency.


If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it.. The High Ground


Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life? Stop imagining.


In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.And the rest of us are reading this on reddit


Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.


You’ve heard about the driver that was tired But have you heard of the cyclist that didn’t show up cause he was two tired?


[Game of Thrones S7 Spoiler] What do Dragons call Jon Snow? Motherfucker.


What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer? General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago.


Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like... trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.


Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm


Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night... ...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?


How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field.


Q: Why don't astronomers like Orion's Belt? A: It's a big waist of space.


What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...but then I turned myself around.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)


My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me.


You’ll NEVER believe THIS secret of how African fisherman are talking to worms to MAXIMISE their catch! Sorry, but this is click bait.


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital? Paramedic


If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love? The Swallow


What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*.


My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in


Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year.


Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar..... ....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".


A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."


What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning? Soup de grace.


I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers.


Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot? Or am I just shoving mine up too far?


When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results


Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents.


What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire.


My friend always wanted to get run over by a steam train... So when it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.


I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of.


Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)


A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food.


What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SnowballsCourtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a "dirty joke" she overheard from some elder school mates.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.


A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand


What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV


How did Steve got his lungs injured in army? Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.


What is the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with explosive diarrhea? One of them shucks between fits.


To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown.


What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama.


Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.


Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins! It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!


When Apple created the $700 wheels... Did they expect profits to start rolling in?


What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common? In every case, someone loses a trailer.


John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered.


Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?


I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop. It'll be called *Soup or Hero*


My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary.


My banking app isn't working! I called their customer support and they said we can try deleting your cache!I was like hell no!


Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived


I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ... ... he made a bolt for the door.


A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."


I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call. The short answer is no.


Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot.


Protons have mass? Never knew they were Catholic


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. "I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please," he says. "Sorry, but I can't serve you," the bartender replies. "You're out of your head."


What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


My friends and I are starting a Cover band We're called Saran Saran


Haunted House Idea: A room full of women saying "I'm fine."


What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr? The Ham-Burr-Grrr.I'm not even sorry.


I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”


How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories


How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.


I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


What's the similarity between my uncle and sharks? The both prey on schools


What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.


After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it


Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident? Now he's allright, allright, allright.


Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory for tossing all the Ws!


The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy.


Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore


How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.


What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions.


Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.  ...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus.


My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending. (Condescending means talking down to people btw )


[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came


A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.


When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...


Instructions unclear The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.


Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air.


A hurricane walks into a bar The owner doesn’t have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.


What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train? *I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*


A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”


Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit.


What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


What did the pirate say on his th birthday? Aye Matey!


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me


Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.


Why did the man cover himself in fake shit? Because it was _sham poo_


Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse,And turned its wool to nylon.


I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes. I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."


Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way.


My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way.


My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.*...she cracks me up*


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe.


Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?


What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe


Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed.


My new internet provider is owned by a fisherman Terrible service, takes all day to get a byte


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.


What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


"It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen."


If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"


When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.


I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass... he's been working ever since.


A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.


If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight It's completely out of this world.


Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.


A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?""Hans Muller" replies the German."Occupation?""No, just visiting this time."


A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars.


I made a playlist for when I go hiking It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.


Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other"Which is closer, London or the moon"The other replies"The moon, obviously, can you see London?"


I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants He just replied "Si"


My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.


A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'


A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia


Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.” The bank really needs to get their life together.


"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace." "Really? That old chestnut?


Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ? University


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids. However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.


Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets. She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”“$804” she said“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked“Well... everyone...”


Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.


Do europeans have a foot fetish? No, they have a centimeter fetish..


What do ghosts drink at parties? BOOOOOZE!


I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.


Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard.


Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”