English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"What is a ternative?


You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to. Where Anne Hathawill,Anne Hathaway.


If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means... I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load


I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct. It’s a no bull cause.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants


P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit


I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.


Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period. Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner?  Me: What are my choices?  Her: “Yes” or “No”.


Timmy comes home from school and notices a note on the table. "We are going to the grave yard." - Love, GrandmaNext to it is another one that reads: "We will come back." - Grandpa


Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. "What did you do?" asked his brother."I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!""Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother."Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"


What do you call a fly without wings in a park? A walk in a park.


I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding. That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.


Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021." China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."


What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain.


Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu


At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”


My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate. I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.


Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]


I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad >!I was tossing all night!<


What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone? Shello


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


What did the high potato say to the russet potato? I'm baked


A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.


What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.


I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business


Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.


A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper... His matey asks, "Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"The pirate respond, "Aarrr, it's me wife, she drives me nuts."


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.


What sort of girlfriend a potato wants? A sweet potato Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.


Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment? Owlcatraz


I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.


Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.


Why are women so bad at parking? Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.\* about 8 inch.


Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.


What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...


Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t... It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...


Two miners walk out of the mine after a hard days work, one carrying a shovel and the other a stick. The one carrying the shovel turns and asks, "Where's your shovel?" And the other responds, "sure does".


I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game But good players are hard to find


What's the worst part about an unexpected box of Crayons? It's out of the blue.


Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes? Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate.


The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'


Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?Blonde 2: My DVD player


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


Roses are red, violets are blue, If I looked like you, I'd be in a zoo


What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics? A debate and switch.


A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'"


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.


Relationships are a lot like free streams... you have to go through a lot of Xs before you find what you are looking for


I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not. I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"


Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!


If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet? The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.


What did one math book say to the other? "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems."


Click here for spoilers MicroorganismsHumidity LightHeat


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.


Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question.


Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store.


I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


Imagine how happy barn owls were .... when people finally started making barns.


Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.


Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.


The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”


A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins


My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."


So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~


What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex.


Did you hear about the long tailed game bird whos boyfriend suddenly proposed to her? She was pheasantly surprised


How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker? Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it.


Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools.


Two farmers are arguing over their produce. Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"A third farmer a bit aways walks inFarmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"


mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]


Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello." The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."


What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist.


What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork


What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius? - Lets dense !


A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green. The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."


When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.


A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”


Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland.


To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown.


What do you call an element that always complains? a lament.


My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography.


Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run


People are like drums. They make noise when you hit them with sticks.


What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín


What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger? If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.


Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!


I touched an open wire, what happened next will shock you.


My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking.


In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it


An atheist comes into a mall And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"


[NSFW] What is the ornithologist with binoculars doing on the nudist beach? Looking for Great Tits!


We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


Why do the French never order 2 eggs? Because one egg is an oeuf.


Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!


What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod."


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.Donald Trump can’t tell the difference


Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa, So i Madagascar.


I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me


I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...


They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab.


I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club.


The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law IP Man


A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!


What's China's favorite makeup to wear? Concealer.


They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great... ...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


There’s an owl outside and we’ve been talking for around 20 minutes. Mostly about who’s who.


Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


Two crabs wouldn’t share their food That’s shellfish.


Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins! I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.


Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.


What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia


My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems God answered his prayers.My uncle's funeral is next week.


I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"


A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \*conversation at dinner\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage.


I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!


A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?" The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."


Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo.


A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes, the baby is born. Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news. Lady: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: your baby has red hair.Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!Doctor: It's stillborn


What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.


Crocodiles. He hate them. Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One


My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage.


Where does a russian bird sleep? IN A COMMU-NEST


I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”


The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side.


Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.


Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.


A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”


Alternative nursery rhymes Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.


(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog.


A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open.


Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents


Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.


That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life? Element three, my dear Watson.


Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time


A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ... Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop.  The mans answer?  “You try pushing it”!


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween.


What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet. Shit got dark pretty fast.


Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap.


Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos


Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!


What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school? "Hi kids, do you like violins?"


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000 **Papa John:****Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes **Papa John:** And that's...**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse, when I saw the grenade flying towards me.


When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too.


I still remember my grandmother’s last words. ‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’


What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired? Dig deep.


I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine.


What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre.


The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom. I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.He said, "I'm packing.""Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."


Did you know trees poop? Well, where do you think #2 pencils come from? Sorry, thats was crappy. I’ll leaf now


A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”


What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys


LPT for stretching your food budget Cut a minute steak into 60 pieces.  Then everyone can have seconds.


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...." He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."She: "How nice, you are so sweet."He: "You need plastic surgery."


My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust. Me: Oh, man thats terrible. Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.


The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.


Why do cows have hooves Instead of feet? They lactose


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?" His answers were just as brief:"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"


I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!


If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain


Coronavirus has its own YouTube channel now. Already 8,931,812 followers and counting.


I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus.


Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged.... I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly.


Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!


Uncle Ben has died. That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!


Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table. But skips Oxygen.


If women are diesel engines Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break.


My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography…


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals


What do you call an Eevee evolution that specializes in melee? Bludgeon


How does an accountant get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom Because they’re all dead


Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says: „It‘s windy today!“„No, it‘s Thursday!“ replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused. „So am I! Let‘s have a beer.“ adds the third one


An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over


A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.


I wanna be a fiction writer later in life. So I'm studying journalism.


Hockey: periods. Football, basketball: quarters. Frisbee golf? Eighths.


TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts


Drake must miss being on tv Because he seems to be auditioning for How to Catch a Predator


I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.


Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.


Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.


Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!


College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'? "Sure" said the driver.So the kid leaned forward and threw up.


If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom? The rest of your life.


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"


I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking." I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.


What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”


I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam.. It's a great game if you're just loafing around.


What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.


Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession. They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork.


It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly. I looked back at them, just as shocked.  After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"


As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong... She told me she was going to kill me... It was a thinly veiled threat.


The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.


I love animals. Yesterday I saw a baby bird that had fallen from its nest up in the tree. I wanted to get the bird back up in the nest so it can be safe. It only took me three throws.- Stollen from Norm's new show.


Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :( I can't get any, anywhere!


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.


In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that...


I have a phobia about cards. But I'm dealing with it.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone


What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.


People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews.. They say its bad Jew Jew.


I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's "just 'K."


Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”


A poem In days of oldWhen Knights were boldAnd toilet lights were dimYou'd hear a splash and then a shout'Oh no! He's fallen in'


My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much


People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.


Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think) Police have identified a sole perpetrator.


Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge * Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those


An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God


How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.


I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat Just hit subscribe.


I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa


My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.


What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual.


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


My wife and I were having a huge argument... I took off my glasses and said, "I don't even want to see you right now!".


if someone is wearing a gap shirt .. point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”


Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.


How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!


A young country girl (Mary) was walking down through the village with a large bull Mr Jones stops her and says : Young Mary, where are you taking that beast?Im taking him to farmer Giles so that the bull can mate with his cows. She repliedCan't your father do that? Asks mr JonesNo sir, says Mary, It must be the bull that does it.


My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her.


As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany." "Son," I said  "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"He looked at me and replied "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"


I finally was selected to get the COVID vaccine but I had to work. I missed my shot!


The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie. But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)


What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside.


How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something? Fucking Niece


Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink.


Went to the corner shop - bought four corners


I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour... On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.


Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it


What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one.


Don't Spoil Endgame Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.Me: So... who died?Friend: For starters, the kid.


As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong... She told me she was going to kill me... It was a thinly veiled threat.


I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction


A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole. “Ok boomer”


As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.” The tree was stumped.


Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society


Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation


Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels...


The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour. It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.


What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan? The fastest goat in the fucking country


What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)


Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk.


Had me a Barack Obama valentines day. Obama self.


The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant." They really loved ancient grease.


Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.


Why is EU like a frying pan? Because Greece is stuck at the bottom


Failed my biology test today... They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.


I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.


This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.


A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"


A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."


I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit It was soda pressing


If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.


Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke


What do you call a really dumb zipper? A zipshit.


A guy without a condom is like a knight without a shield He's either really good with the sword, or he is really thirsty.


A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo. They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.


Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.


My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine. Out of the blue she said, "I love you. ""Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked her."It's me." said the wife. "Talking to the wine."


Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit


Why was red in awe of orange? Because orange blue green.


My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white.


If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is... The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere.


I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too.


As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know. It's mine.


I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus


A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.


How do you set your digital location to Skyrim? You use NordVPN


Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs. If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.


A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion.


My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.


I want to open a perfume store... I'd call it: "Common Scents."


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'"


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!