Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan? Because of the Teliban.


Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan? Because there are already too many targets.  (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)


Had to call out of work because of pink eye This weed hit me like a brickwall


Celiac disease was discovered first in France They know that bread is pain


I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."


When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics" I never understood why bird watching was wrong


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library. I never even knew they had a section for that.


The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off


My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves


Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses? Because they'll make a coup.Original... hopefully


My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer.


Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.


If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ... You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.  (Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)


What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts? Chantilly clad.


Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition? He heard there would be Gary-oake.


What flower did Luke have at his wedding? Dandelorians.


Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other. The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"


I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed I'm feeling pretty blue


So I was staying at my uncles... SO THIS IS A REAL STORYMy nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”My nephews expression immediately drops, “Daddy is she okay?”“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”“Why do her bones jiggle?”


My friend was arrested for beating an unarmed black man to death He was charged with impersonating a police officer.


Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory? He was fed up with the hole business!


My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble.


Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo


“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”


I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics... But then I came to my census


People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake.


(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”


Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version The seller lives in Seychelles.


I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.


Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?" Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"


How do you pass a biology test on excretion? Process of elimination.


What drug do French people use to get high? Oui’d


My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer


My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.


Do you know why firetrucks are red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people. 4+8=12There are 12 inches in a rulerQueen Elizabeth is a rulerThere was a ship named Queen Elizabeth Ships sail on seasSeas have fishFish have finsPeople from Finland are Finns Finlan... read more


I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?


Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel


What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair


Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant? He finally understood the gravity of his actions.


Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex? It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.


When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.


What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.


They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free


I dunno why people say hurtful things like... "Wanna go for a run?"or "Try this kale."


I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body.


Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . . They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.


Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.


What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"


I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!


They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.


A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex. Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.


Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.


Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.


In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said. Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles.


Being deemed an "essential worker" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ? A navigator.


Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist


The problem with treating mental health Is that it's all in your head.


Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool I just love anime shins.


What activity does the owl mafia participate in? Drive by hootings.


A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.


If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert


I am getting really bored with this lock-down. My Wife suggested that I make a bird table.Now she's kicking off because I put her in fifth place.


Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls


Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?


Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"


What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious.


I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed. And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.


I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.I guess more just grain.Fermented grain.Distilled, fermented grain.I had whisky for dinner tonight.


Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants


After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows.


What is it called when an epidemiologist gets a breast reduction Flattening the curve


Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select? Arya: Not two day.


I'm not really a fan of steampunk but I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk.


I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth. I think they may be trying to groom me.


A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.To which she replies "No, it kills them."


I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."


What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ...


Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.


I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.


A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.


What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you.


Kid: I'll call you later. Dad: No, call me Dad.


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


The creator of mad libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.


Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie.


NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? The joint won't get passed around the entire show.


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.


If women are diesel engines Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break.


In America police dogs are K9 In China they are E10.


I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates. It’s called Prose and Cons


Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.


To my future wife and widow : when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.


What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state.


How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint


Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree? Only the leaf reached the ground.


Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.


A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon He said it was quite a fish ent.


Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.He said well take these drinks to table. 10.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it


Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.


What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win? The no-bell prize


What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.


How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.


What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells


A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound... ...the bandage says "I suppose we better wrap this up"


Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...


A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!


What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy? The ICU.Edited. (I see you)


How do programmers arrange their crayons? They use color coding.


Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back.


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator? It lifts their spirits  happy spoopy day


Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe... You've seen a maul!


College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl Every play is a Hail Mary


Two flowers growing in a field First flower turns to the second and says 'you know, I really fancy you'Second flower replies 'I really fancy you, too'First flower says 'where are the bees when you need them??'


How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass.


A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:


My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.


I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues.


Why doesn't Iran have an Walmarts? Because they have a Target at every corner.


I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea. He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.Now I have gonorrhea


What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies


My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!


For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”


ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire. ######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:I think he was stabbed with this.**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?


Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages.


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."


What T.V. Channel will never air the sitcom Scrubs? TLC; Because, they don’t want, no scrubs.


What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass.


My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him. ## The judge gave me 60 years!           ### My (other) favorite one liners: 1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.1. French tanks have five rever... read more


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.


The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are


A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket


iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.


What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan


Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.


My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass Whether they like it or not.


A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*


What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet.


A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says "it looks like a connection issue".........He asks "is it my technique?"The doctor responds "no, you have a twisted pair"


Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"


My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice.


I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.


Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this.


I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine.


The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..." One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"


How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? only one cause they don't like to share the spot light


Dad gets mom a cake for her birthday every year But for Mother’s Day he gives her a cream pie.


My mom and I were in an argument yesterday. Her: “you son of a bitch!”Me: “you’re not wrong...”


Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit.


Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there.


What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry


A packrat decided to make a nest in my car's muffler. By the time I got to the mechanic the poor bugger was exhausted.


What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness.


When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)


What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common? Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.


(True story) Richard Branson was once asked what is the quickest way to become a millionaire He answered, 'to be a billionaire and start your own airline'


What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis? The boar skin.


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard


Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What did one nut say as he chased another nut?  I'm a cashew!


New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.


Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"


Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal.


What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal? Do you do ANALog?


If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.


What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion.


What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.


Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.


It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.


Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick "I felt like I was being rushed."


Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business? I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...


What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum? Political RectumsExample sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum.


What do you call Donald Trump’s form of currency? Trump change


What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator.


A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes? Hope there's no red tide.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”


Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?" The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"


When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy.


Why is fruit squash banned in Germany? They have a bad history with concentrated juice


I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.


Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review. The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"


What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.


What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element? Un un quadium. Then, uranium


Why couldn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan? Anorexic


I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers.


Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash


For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?


What does an Internet-addicted frog say? Reddit reddit


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail. Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails.


What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J.


A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters." Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!


A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads


What does orange juice and my dad have in common? They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.


Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... "I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed."I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned."Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"


My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it… I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’


My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit. "Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.


Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because they are a super spreader!


What did the weak dinosaur say to the other buff dinosaur? I don't like a-steroids.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.


What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics


My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.


Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..." Poor people say "Ramen."


What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies


Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen


I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box.


My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!" Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?" "That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...


The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you." I got a lot of new socks that year.


What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees... Introducing: The KGBT


I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending.


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


What do you call a passenger train made out of sweet potatoes? A Yamtrack.


San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event. But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.


One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.


Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare


I had too much Middle Eastern food today. Now I falafel.


what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.


I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.


What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce


Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.


Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl? Because he wanted a piggyback.


A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit... "Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.  "The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.  "No, it doesn't."  "Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"


I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American


Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar Rene Descarte walks into a bar.The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.Descarte responded with “I think not”Descarte  disappearsEdited: fixed name


Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks


My british friend tried joining the ultimate frisbee team.... but he didn't get along with anyone cause he thought they were all tossers.


TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts


Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!


The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"Cop "How many times did you hit him?Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"


What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.


Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!


A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole. “Ok boomer”


The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week.""Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?""He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."


In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that...


Our family surname is “Daniels” So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack. She hates it.


Two high jumpers walked into a bar Two high jumpers walked into a bar.The third one won.


They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?


What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment? Owlcatraz


Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now? Beverly Heels.


Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside


I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way


What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today He's Snowden


Sean Connery: What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection


My friend has the ability to hike the most complex of trails without getting lost. It’s pathological.


I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"


A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”


If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?


What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.


A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'


I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars


The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!


What did one plane say to the other plane when it was leaving? Biplane


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”


Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?


They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.


My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity.


"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?" wen moon? wen mars?Godverdomme


Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack... Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...


A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him. His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia. Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place.


A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy.


What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!


I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory... ...just imagine what alcohol will do!


A tortoise was mugged by two snails. When asked what happened, he said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"


I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?".. I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...


What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies


Where do homeless turtles go? To the Shellter :)


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans


For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife Not made to scale


Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!


I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship.


I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...


I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**


A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant Asks what you want 2+2 equal to


My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.


A man got a job in Ireland... A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move. The day before they were to leave, she asked him,"Are you sure about this?"He tried to clam her down, saying"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."


What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.


Two internet routers went on a date... Then they went down on each other.


I used to have a Persian girlfriend.. But Iran away.


I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.


I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it. I wish I could read all of them.


Beautiful clams don't look out for others They're pretty shellfish


What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y


I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T.


I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office I can't tell you how much that means to me


What do Paul Walker and George of The Jungle have in common? They both should've watched out for that tree.


The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said... "Please, just wear your police uniform."


My daughters pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious.


I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.


A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”.


I went to a planetarium show. While I thought it was fantastic, most of it was over my head.


Which cartoon character have you seen live? Donald Duck


What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious.


Needed to find a therapy specialist How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org


I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...


What's the worst number to mention in the morning for a Brazillian? 7-2-1


Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin.


OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once


Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs? I never thought ________ would happen during _______


What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?


What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.


Did you hear they finally released Viagra in generic form? The next time your are at the pharmacy ask for coxbphlopin.


A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."


Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job? Because there was no margarine for error.


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


A math teacher invented something. A math teacher invented the worlds first underwater bulldozer. He called it his 'Sub-tractor.'


At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!” I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”


I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers.


With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"


It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow If you find it, you go to prism.


Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.


Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake


What does quartz get tired of? Being taken for granite.


Mom! I'm a 3d printer! oh come on, johnny, close the door when you poop.


Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°.


For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake.


What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? "A penguin rolling down a hill"My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard.  I felt it should be shared. Lol


What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it.


what travels around the world but stays in one corner? postage stamp


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said "holy cow"


Highschool orchestra goes fishing Some kids from the highschool orchestra go out on a charter fishing boat during summer break. The captain comes out to talk to them and says "Any of you kids ever cast a net?""No sir, we're all from the brass section"


There are increasing amounts of obese people each year I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation


Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!


There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.


I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.


Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event: "It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again. I didn't want to deal with repercussions.


Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers? He converses with them


A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat


How did Charles Darwin propose to his wife? He said that she was his natural selection.


what are cows knees called? burger joints


If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?


I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.


Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.


A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.


Volcanic eruptions are just the earth rubbing one out If you catch my continental drift. (;


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


Analbumcover If you read this the same way I did, we can be friends.


What's the definition of "relative humidity"? That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.(Too rude?)


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


I once tried eating an hourglass... It was very time consuming.


In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


Did you hear that a new element was just discovered? Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise. (Got this from a friend)


What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already


Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist.


If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking.


My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder


When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium.


How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic


My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!”                   My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”


My son was watching me read “War and Peace”, and asked me, “Why is the book so thick?” I said, “Well, ..it’s a long story.”


Why are ghosts bad at lying ? Because you can see right through them.


I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless.


One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!


What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance.


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!


What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod.


How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors? Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.


What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in.


"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'"


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.


What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you.


What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.


What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.


What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head""Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies


I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.


How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir.


I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...


What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer


A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.


Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children As an American, I’m still paying the bills.


I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.


Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.


What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial


What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak


Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over? Apparently it was top-heavy


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day... So i packed her things and left


What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet


I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.


no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.