What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  I see food and I eat it


What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient? Happy new ear.


3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line. The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”


If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75


Whats the most common occupation in Germany? Poland


What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio


What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.


When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark? Because he’s a Great Dane


A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics.


Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.


My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.


What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine.


I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.


I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto


I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.


If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking.


Yo momma is so stupid She studied for a drug test


What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup


Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a "b" comes after it!


Why did the computer always play "Someone Like You?" It was a Dell.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarine.


A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes.


What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.


What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.


So Anthony Bourdain was cremated... Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours After all, it's made from scratch.


A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete. They can never get any organs.


What do a sperm bank and Michael Jackson have in common? They both tell you to beat it.


When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer." "Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?""No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."


What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet.


Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined.


What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak


I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian.


The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award. Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.


You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.


I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?" "For starters," she said, "the h is silent."


Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow" By Mr. Completely


Every time the kardashians go to the beach The amount of plastic in the ocean doubles


What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again....


So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Ethereal(A cereal)I'm proud of this joke


February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10.


Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand I guess it was cod's plan.


Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president


The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection.


Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey? He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.


A problem at the restaurant Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!""My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."


What do you call a beached russian submarine Whiskey on the Rocks


What do you call a Redditor who only posts to r/Jokes on their cake day? An original content creator.


I just flipped a coin. On one side, it landed.On the other.. it did not.


Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”


I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said "suture self"


Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"Surgeon: "I know, I am"


I have some weeds in my potato garden That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


The Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum released a PSA that visitors were not allowed to play Pokemon GO! Because they didn't want people pretending to be Ash


What did the cemetery say to the hospital? Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients


Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism they are always talking about marks and angles


My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money! They’re calling it the Creddit Card.


What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common? They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.


A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.


Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass.


If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks... ...are you testing its utensil strength?


Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper? Well don’t.It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!


What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!


I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday.


Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!


A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.


what happens when two Samurai got into and argument it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic. Who’s flat now?


- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…


Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each. It's just nuts.


What’s the difference between a steamed potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.


A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh


Why can't toys made from paper move Because they are stationary.


"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive." I think they've hired Neymar.


Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH


Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.


Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"? The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.


What type of bird creates an only fan's? An Ea-gle....


A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama. He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"


Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? " The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."


A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee


Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!


What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot.


Why don't envelopes reproduce? Because they're all mail!I thought of this myself.  Proud of it.


Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled


I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."


My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists


George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks. Clooney Tunes


Matter cannot be created or destroyed nor can it be returned without a receipt.


A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. "Return ticket to Death Valley please."  "Pleasure trip?"  "Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."  "LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?"    "No, this is carrion."


I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.


Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.


This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?


The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters So Trump can't tweet it


A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"Haaaaaaaaaa!


What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face


Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks.


Kidnapper? Do you mean... Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)


What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy.


*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* "Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"


Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%


Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)


Why does Sonic always wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.


I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."


What does Isis use to clean its plates? A Daeshwasher.


My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts. "Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it." She screamed.So, I bought her a candle.


Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community? Two Mennonite


What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg


PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control! I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky


What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles.


A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?" His answers were just as brief:"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"


Anyone know how to lift a house? My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.


What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? Nothing; baseball gloves can't talk.


If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? By whether you see it later or in awhile.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea." My family don't like me


Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..


Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy?  Pink fluff holding its breath


My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house


What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers? They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.


What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L


I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.


There was a pun competition going on in the local community. I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did.


So I bought a pocket printer. So happy I can finally print my own pockets.


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.


Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long


I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star.


When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!


I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ... ... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.


Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes


A man enters a library A man enters a library and asks for a book about suicide.Librerian:"I really can't give you one"Man:"Why?"Librerian:"You won't return it"


What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot? "I've made a grave mistake."


After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner


What does a black samurai call his frightened enemy Pussy ass ninja.


Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him… “I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”


How do you check if a webpage is HTML? Try it out on Internet Explorer


I can’t find my vegetables. Hopefully, they turnip soon.


“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”


Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal.


After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".


If two vegans are in an argument, is it still called a beef?


Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.


The creator of anagrams died... May he "erect a penis"


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.


Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork


If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate. As you can see... That's bullshit.


A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama


This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”


What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre.


Walking in a forest I was walking through a forest and stumbled across a dead body, I started to check my map, because I was obviously going in circles.


Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.


I just bought a half-price cloak of invisibility. The seller wanted to charge me full price.I got it for refraction.


Which generation of Corvette was most likely to blow up? Probably the C4


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?""Sure-i-can"


A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other.  A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.


What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough.


What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant. In Florida, it's a changing room.


If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.


What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.


what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears


There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle


My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office... “I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose.  Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -““Stop right there”, I said.  “No need to sugar coat it.”


I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans


Has the Abominable snowman called? “Has the abominable snowman called?” my friend asked me To which I replied “Not Yeti”


A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”


Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back


Al Pacino's  brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap.


Got fired from my job as a security guard. I had to escort myself out of the building.


My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number. I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.


there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.


The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg


I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct. It’s a no bull cause.


What's the definition of Relative Humidity? That's the sweat that rolls down the middle of your back while you're screwing your sister-in-law.


I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!


There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu.


How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character? Just one per Anna.


Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights... One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!" The other says, "Why's that?" The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."


Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways. The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral.


Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention? The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.


Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card. But when I arrived,  I saw people wearing suits too.


I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound. Then I came to my senses.


i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers


An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"


My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.


You might be a redneck.... ....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*


What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth? Cloud Storage.(Original joke!)


Al Pacino's  brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap.


A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise... It sounded like someone was using a eraser.  He walks towards a grave and it gets louder.  So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!"  Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"


What's an epileptic man's least favorite element? Cesium.


I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee.


Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court. Accused: HahahahJudge: I wasn't talking to you!


Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon


A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.


How do you milk a Dragon? By making 3 movies and a couple TV series about it.


What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off


Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!


Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics


What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits.


I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land.


I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.


Why are celebrities never sweating? They're surrounded by fans.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over. Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.


What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life? He writes byebyeworld.c


I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day.


What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache


A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere


My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like a fucking bitch


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house....


"Knock knock!" who's there?"You!" You who? "YooHoo Big summer blow out!"


If you were an owl how often would you check your back? Owl the time


Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)


When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.


People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, "I have no egrets."


COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.


Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive


Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant.


I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.


My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.


What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common? They both share your blood


What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music


Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all.


Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster


While I was cleaning the pool one hot day... I overheard my college daughter’s friend:Your dads hot!Daughter: really??I smiled Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade


What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn


My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”


I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”.


I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!


If Hyena's could throw Would they be called Hyeeta's?


What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together? ....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa


It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product.


A science teacher tells his class... "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."


What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain.


A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.


For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times. Today is the Ides of March.


What does an orphan call a family photo? Selfie


A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke??"


What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts


What did the cop say when their stomach started growling? Stop! You're under a vest.


What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.


Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.""Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?""Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."


A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’


I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth He put in tooth with 4 cavities.


I'be always been afraid of over engineered buildings Is a complex-complex complex


Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.""You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"


This furniture store keeps calling me… all I wanted was one nightstand.


How was the first digital sound created? Someone snapped their fingers.


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit... ...it’s a date.


It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives..... Yul never wore cologne!


What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease? Game of Crohn's


If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who. If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.


Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant? Because they did it rawr.


What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? "No thanks. I'm not into roll play."


How does Trump change a light bulb? He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.


I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.


What does the US government use to kill flies? They use a S.W.A.T team


If you have no idea what a prefix is, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the word.


What do you call it when two dinosaurs run into each other? A Jurassic jam.


What did the calendar say after Tuesday? WTF


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


I walked into a gent's bathroom... and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.I asked him 'Hey are you American?'He replied 'European''yeah, I know, but are you American?'.


The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently.


The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.


What’s the highest form of flattery? A plateau.


Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin." That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.


In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic. They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.


What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans


Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.


A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time.


Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.


Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve


How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer


A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced.


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.


What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run. A police officer comes to his aid. "Do you remember his license plate?" he asks."No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."


The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members... We have chapters all around the world.


Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense


February 14th... a day I get something that starts with "A" and ends im "al"... .... a nice meal.


I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty


My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.


What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber.


Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.


Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.


Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.


What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha.


Earth is 3rd from the Sun That means all our problems are 3rd world problems


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.  People must be dying to get in


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.


I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


If a pig loses its voice...does it become disgruntled?


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)


I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner. My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.


Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats.


Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one.


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster.


After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore. I deleted the app.


Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.


The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality. Unfortunately, he drowned.


Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".


I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about it...


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy.


An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else! He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”


Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98. Coworker: Really?Me: No.


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump. 403 forbidden.


What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face? Too close for comfort food.


Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose.


If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who. If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.


What does a boxing comedian need? A good punchline.


I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens. But it was in poor taste.


My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion... Because he must be ashy...


I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started


Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl


When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!


If the Genesis flood happened in prehistoric times... ...It’d be Jurassic Ark


You sure I don't have heart disease, doc? You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator.


A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time.""I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."


A policeman pulls over a car. As he goes up to the driver’s window, he realizes he pulled over two priests. Embarrassed, he says “Oh excuse me, Fathers. We’re looking for a couple of child molesters.” The priests look at each other, then look at the cop and say “Alright, we’ll do it”


What do you call a party where snakes choose china? A reptile dish function.


How does the German baker greet his customers ? Gluten Morgen


What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste


Porn is like a library book.. It's probably got cum in it


[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.


Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version The seller lives in Seychelles.


If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?


What do you call evil duck rituals? Fowl practices!


Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.


I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk


I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.


Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user? Because they have probably already Reddit


A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents.


I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!


One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


What do you call it when a rapper attacks a loved one? beats by Dr. Dre


When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy.... It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”


What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease? A mover and a shaker


Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive. This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.


I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes. I think I'm a mashochist.


Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen


As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.


What does the German Power Ranger's alarm clock say? ITS MORGEN TIME!!


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!


A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer


I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.


In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial


Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that


What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*


If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow.


A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”


Why do old people always say 'Well, there's no place like home' yet, when you put them in one.....


"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process: Step 1: take off your glassesStep 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'


Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg.


My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. "Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!""Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"


-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.


I only know 25 letters of the Alphabet I don't know Y


If Liam Neeson played Aquaman "I've got a particular set of gills"


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs. The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


What does a seal say about network switches? ARP ARP ARP


I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!


My wife missed her last 2 periods She doesn't know when to stop.


"How did you not get drafted into the war?" "Heh." I chuckled."Iran."


What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot


What did the English use to blow up their enemies ? Tea N Tea.


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost


It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961. I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.


If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive


What did the giraffe say to the cat? Get the fuck off my tree


My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber.


Why won't my motorcycle run? Because it's two tired.


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


Never tell a cow a joke It’ll just go in through one ear and out through the udders.


In an ambulance "can you describe the snake that bit you?"Me: "yes,  it was like an angry rope"


John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…


So a network specialist comes up to me and says "do you wanna here a joke?" There was a Linux error


My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.


Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.