A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'


Dad gets mom a cake for her birthday every year But for Mother’s Day he gives her a cream pie.


Special glove I can count on one hand the number of extra fingers I have.


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


(Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


The surgeon's first circumcision was tricky. Eventually, the surgeon managed to pull it off.


What do you tell Drake if he says something stupid? Ok groomer


Why was the man at the cookout so happy? He met the grill of his dreams.


When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads


Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission.


I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!


What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?! THAWNG.


Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!


What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes? Traffic jam


Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough. She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.  I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.She goes "ewwww, that stinks.  Oh my God I can taste it!!!".Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't  have Covid".


As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.


I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus. So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.


Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum


My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?" Absolutely broken.  25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)


I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2. I just can't see him as a magician.


An Indian man walk into a bar.. Let's wait for him...


In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.


Me (a Mexican): Oh shit, the printer says no papers Coworker (also Mexican): Oh shit, Donald Trump is gonna get mad


Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again


Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.


An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"


Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe


I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating" I said "it's pronounced deprecating"


A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran.


An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: "Well that's a croc."


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


Abraa Kadabra! Expelliarnos! Stoopify! Wingardian Levioseaa! Loomos! Expecto Patrones! I'm sorry, it seems my spell-check isn't working.


Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him.


I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer.


What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!


How did the Jewish man make grain into beer? Hebrew


Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay


I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now.


Dad: Did you know that Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian song? Son: Wait, really?Dad: Yes, a Finnish hymn.


After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.


There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.


Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains? I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.


Do you file your nails? I throw mine away.


Eve eating the apple marked.. .. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say? "Gimme your marbles!"


I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave"..... And i said "So did i all my friends"...


How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim? Inter-mitten fasting.


Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day? Because he had no presence....sorry


Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!


2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.


This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change


Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals


What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle? Atrophy


How do you save money on cat food? By buying bird seed instead.


I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.


Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.


What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it


Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens.


Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot.


Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.


I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary. High definition.


What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation.


The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer. Neurologist said it was all in my head.


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort.


Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strikeI just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke


Went to the opticians. She told me that I was color blind.Well I must say, that came right out of the purple.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump


My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator It's not cool man


How did the redneck drug addict get his crush to date him? It all started with"I'd be dilaudid to have yew fer dinner"


If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.


For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly? From right off the bat.


What’s a ghost cow say? “Moo” silly it’s still a cow.


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business? The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot


Chuck Norris has a kitten Every night for a snack


A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."


What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico? Locodrilo


There are no skeletons in my closet. The bodies haven't decomposed yet.


What did the rising sun say to the morning dew? You will be mist.


Apparently the first dog in space died of stress It was probably because of the vacuum


I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd. Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.


My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.


A man was arrested while running in a wheat field. ..He was charged for going against the grain.


I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!


I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.


Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.


One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise.


Why do Python programmers have low self esteem? They're constantly comparing their self to other.


Imagine how happy barn owls were .... when people finally started making barns.


What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist.


I don't believe in astrology at all. But I am a scorpio, and we are all born skeptics.


A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle He asks them: "Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"One of the three guys replies: "Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!"


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


A dad was washing his car with his son. After a while, the son finally asked "Can't you just use the sponge?"


What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man.


Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming.


What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.


What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.


Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.


Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


A woman is like a loaf of bread... I eat the butt first.


(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis. That's a rough estimate


Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk? They're calling it Dunkirkland


What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent.


My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2. I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me nowJason im sorry if u read this


Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


What did the giraffe say to the cat? Get the fuck off my tree


When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest... I'm not a fan.


My uncle just died. He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.


A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"


How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day? Easy! Slice of pi.


When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?


Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease.


What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements? A chemenist!


A boy tried to pick a flower [OC] the flower took a **pistil** and shot him in **style**


A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"


The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios


I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)


A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!”  Man: “No, but she  will be home shortly”.


I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?


No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President


What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat.


My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.


I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish.


What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!


Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers.


As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging.


Mosquitoes What sound does an American mosquito make?BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzWhat sound does a Canadian mosquito make?EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh


Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.


I am very concerned about the environment One look and I can tell those trees are up to something.


Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway


My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating I peaked early.


Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that? He quaalluded with the Russians


I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.


What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy


CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.Man who leaps off cliff jumps to ... read more


Step 1. Burning bush Step 2. ????Step 3. PROPHET!


If I had a dollar for every girl that thought I looked too fat, By now, they’d think I looked pretty good.


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating" I said "it's pronounced deprecating"


A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event. It's becoming a really popular wave function.


What dinosaur can't you hear go to the bathroom? All of them, they're all dead.


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer? Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"Daughter: "no."Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."


I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different. I was in tiers.


What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back.


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year He loves to fuck people online


What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad.


Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”


Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.


My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant


How do you fix a broken gorilla? With a monkey wrench!


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.


Roses are red, violets ain't black Your mamma's chest, is as flat as her back.


Girl, you got me so into outer space I can see my self in Uranus.


What did Jesus say to the Turtle? Shellom Happy Easter!!!!!


What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries? A Chopin cart


How do you get into a locked cemetery? With a skeleton key


I dumped a girl because she wouldn’t let me read poetry. Prose before hoes.


Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment


Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.


Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm "You're a blizzard, Harry"


My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.


I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.


What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle.


Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”


Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.


A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says "Many buffalo come"The Cowboy asks "Can you hear them?"Then Indian says  " No, ground sticky."


My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound


I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF


A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television... "How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said


What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark? Do not eat if seal is broken


If my coworker had a dollar for every time i made a sexist joke... She would have ¢0.77


My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there.


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team She's a keeper


A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist watch as two people enter an empty house and three people leave the house. The biologist says, "They reproduced."The mathematician says, "If one person enters the house, it will be empty again."The physicist says, "At least one of our observations was incorrect."


Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward.


A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge


In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.


What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos.


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency? They ended up with a massive inflation problem.


Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ? Only people in the Woods’


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.


Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons.


What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career? His driving game.


I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish.


A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says "That was quick!""You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man."Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers "no money."


Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell


(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis. That's a rough estimate


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin." That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.


My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error.


What do you call a Russian IT specialist? Mr. Switchitonanov


Why didn't the Pope go to the beach once he learnt trigonometry? sin cos tan


What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo.


Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!


What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out.


Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage


Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars


I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday.


Women are like parking spaces All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one


How do computers form intimate relations? They insert the floppy into the disc drive.


I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus. I'm a cross dresser.


A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”


A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... "No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."


What do youcall a broke santa? Saint nickel less


4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies.


A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat


Why is an Ambulance slow? Because its a Patient Transport


If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization.


How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.


When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting. We call it our Con Den session.


If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory... ...just imagine what alcohol will do!


Roses are red, Violets are blue Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.


What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully.


How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates.


When the target range was asked when they would be fully open again They said they were shooting for the fall


What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.


What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings? Meetless Mondays


The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award. Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.


Book never written: "Disciplining Really Disobedient Kids" ...by A. S. Swooping


My Dad is a Nun When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun


What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)


My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.


Doctor tells his patient he only has 6 months to live... Upset, the patient shoots the doctor.  At his trial, the judge sentences him to 30 years to life in jail and asks him if he feels any remorse.  He replies, "no, your honor.  The doctor gave me 6 months to live, and you gave me 30 years."


I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups. I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...


So my family is considering matching tattoos. My eldest sister recommends flowers.My middle sister recommends fruits.My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.


My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them He didn't tell me  what to do with those damn letters though.


After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over... Apparently,  "because you were lonely?" wasn't the right answer


30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.


Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Nobel." "Nobel who?" "Nobel, so I knock knocked."


Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.


Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.


What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui.


Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job.


There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa.2. You don't believe in Santa.3. You are Santa.4. You look like Santa.


How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!


What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building? He had so much potential


Toilet paper is nearly worthless, but you know what is even more worthless? My high school diploma.


Paedophiles are bad. Audiophiles are good.The worst is when you combine the two.And you're getting molested to the grease soundtrack.


The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.


What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?


What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church.


A Priest was reciting a poem, "Roses are red violets are blue". My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”


The man who invented Tetris died. They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.


A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke.


What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig


People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!


What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tigers got a much better driver


Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants. No Shit.


What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells? A trans-hex-ual.


"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.." ".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."


How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.


My great grandfather was a communist... His nickname was "popsickle"


Hey, I have a good joke Robinhood wants to file for IPO this year.


Where do you set your drinks when you have covid? A coughey table.My 3 year old just told me this. Jk, my adult brain made this dumb joke, hope it's not a repost.