How does Cthulhu wear a tie? With an Eldritch knot.


My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.


What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail? They refused to cross streams.


How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.


Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.


The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled.


I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl. All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.


I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”


What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod


What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs.


Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer. Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?Officer: No shit, Sherlock.


Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer.


What do you call a rabbit working in a hotel A bell-hop


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder.


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


Having children is like making pancakes. The first one is always fucked up, but you make all the other ones better and didn't drop none on the floor this time.


"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Are you element 117? Because you're the only ten I seen.


Why is gigabit internet good for you? Because it's high in fiber!haha, I'll show myself out...


Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks.


How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match? Tell him you're going to a women's singles event.


What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match? Czech-mate.


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator? No stepson


As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright.


What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang


Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.


Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”


Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges That was a bitter peel to swallow


I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.


I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead.


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush.


A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!" "Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone? Because you just cant beat it.I'm sorry


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


Two strings walk into a bar... ...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."


A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?" "No, just visiting." Said the guy.


What was Trump’s favorite childhood story? Winnie the Coup.


Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more


To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it!Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.


Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!


TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake


Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.


Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.


U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins... ...but Asian singles are in my area.


Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians


Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him.


Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new.


During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns" The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"Real story.


I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.


My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office


NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months. When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”


A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.


For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.


Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain.


A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting. The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.


This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?


Did you know that the shovel was a revolutionary invention? Some would even call it groundbreaking.


I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.


I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office.


A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.  He replied, “I stand corrected.”


What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease


A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"  The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle


What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match? Czech-mate.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator.


Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school! Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!" Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!" Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!


I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”


What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?


Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying...


What do you call a scent that wanders? An a-roam-a.


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me.


According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination? HAND EYEEE-E-EYE


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment.


Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow. Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!


Little old lady calls the fire department A little old lady calls the fire department and says, help, come right away, my house is on fire.The dispatcher says okay ma'am, how do we get there? The little old lady replies, don't ya'll still have that red truck?


I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.” I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.


I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, "Someone call him an ambulance!" So I yelled back "Hey dude, you're an ambulance!" and left. Hope he's ok.


Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!


Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.


What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night


Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam


Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology Especially the RAM part.


How do you save money on cat food? By buying bird seed instead.


What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!


I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes... ...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.


How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop.


Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]


Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud. One genuine dad joke for your amusement!


How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick


After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.


What is it called when an epidemiologist gets a breast reduction Flattening the curve


What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance


Where do bad plates go to after they've broken? Helsinki


One crab to another crab I think I have lobsters


A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation


My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases... Now he's Aiden in bedding


I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business


Did you know that a Siberian Tiger can absolutely devour a 7-year-old girl in just about 45 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the petting zoo, today...


Ever heard the one about the giraffe? Nevermind, it'd probably go over your head.


How many farmers does it take to grease a combine? ...only two, if you feed them in real slow.


Roses are red, violets are violet Start getting it right, or I'm getting violent.


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


What do you call a rabbit with fleas? ... Bugs bunny


George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.


So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why couldn't the sailor learn his alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people-the student, his mama, and his pauper.


What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born sonThe bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”


"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)


What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.


Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor. crisp rat


What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747


Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie.


What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)


Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!


Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)


What do you call a transformer that turns into a canoe... A rowbot.


My uncle is like a good love story Very touching


I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons I am having a few Rugrats


Did you know there are public speaking potatoes? Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.


Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”


Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.


Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks.


At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts.


What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa? Claustrophobia


One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad.


I was at the park watching over my kid as he played when a lady sits next to the bench I’m on and looks at me suspiciously, then asks, “Which ones yours?”   Blinking, I replied, “I dunno, still choosing...”


Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived


I’m not saying my wife is tight fisted with money.. But I had to join her only fans to see her naked .


My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision


After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES


I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.” So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”


What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning? Fawn dew.


I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”


I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction. I'm Lacoste intolerant.


Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening.... .....but he's here with us in spirit.


What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew


When Kenny Loggins was vacationing in Israel, how did he get to Bethlehem? He took the Highway to the Manger Zone.


A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting


New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... "The Missing Link"


if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker


What's common between long distance relationships and fat chicks? Both don't work out.


One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says... "It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?" The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."


Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible.


It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay but we partied like it was $19.99


Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws? It was ‘ello, Quint!


Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well... It's what it's.


I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”


You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin’ Terry :(


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...


A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test." The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"


Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? "GRRRAAAIINS!"


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<


What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.


I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.


Things you can burn for stress relief SageLavenderRacistsMarijuanaPaedophilesFrankincense


I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.


On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush. I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.


My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened. I would never hear the end of it.


I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven" And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".


One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.


My dad always called me "Pancake" He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."


While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered "You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow." "Thanks," said the doctor, "I've just never seen a vagina this ugly."


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!


Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news. "Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.


I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead.


My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear At least that’s what I think she was saying


What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...


A mosquito landed on my balls Hardest decision of my life.


My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you." "May divorce be with you!!" I replied.


A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant Asks what you want 2+2 equal to


Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!


I'm lacking in moral fiber... As a result, I don't really give a shit.


I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting.


Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.


How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.


I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."Rodney Dangerfield


Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank.


[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago...


I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”


What's the difference between an equestrian and an equestrophile? The amount of dick they can take.


Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train.


medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"


What's the difference between a three-wheeled car and the american economy? The car crashes less


My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."


I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed.


So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.


What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam.


I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.


I was spending too time pairing socks after they’d been washed When I buy new socks, I now glue them together


Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel... He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..


I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash. I guess Ash is just better grounded.


I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.


What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath.


I love self derogratory humor I never run out of jokes


Woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs. I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.


Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"? Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!


What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics


What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence


I just can't draw blood With this orange crayon.It isn't sharp enough.


Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH


Why should you stay away from trees? They can be a little shady.


If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.


What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.


Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy.


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton.


A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero.


My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions


A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?"Cum at me bro".\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?"It's bananas"\... read more


What do you call a family meal? Chicken and eggs


As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree.. It's the infantree that's deadly!


"shark infested water" You mean their home?


I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high... ...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!


I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.


My Biology Teacher Asked What ATP is... I replied, "where Native Americans live."


What do you call a furry that cant hear? Def Leopard


I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!


Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!


My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology. "They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.


People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude.


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?" The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying..."


The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut.


What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.


If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit... ...it’s a date.


A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.


A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!Hunter: You have my bow!Warrior: And my axe!Mage: And my staff!Necromancer: And your dead brother!


What does a networking robot say when returning from the bathroom? "Sorry, I http"


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


Do priests who do mass without a bible... Doing it priestyle?


I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know.


What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common? In every case, someone loses a trailer.


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow


Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it. Because#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**


COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.


Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.


Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.


What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia


Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly. Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.


My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.


I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.


Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?


Why did the Mallard fail as a comic? His humor was too fowl.


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"


Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags.


What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics


As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.


It costs a lot to use the tennis courts in my city It’s a tennis racket


I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase... So I can unzip those genes.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead.


What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod."


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics


At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts.


Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep.


I couldn't be with a guy called stew.. I don't like people's leftovers.


If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron.


I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.


Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!


What do you call a polite pig? Canadian Bacon.


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets... The poems aren’t bad, but you can tell they’re not prose.


A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut"


What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.


A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... "I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."


The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..


What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools? Point and shoot.


People say I'm overreacting about guys rubbing me in the bus, that it's probably just crowded but last time it happened it was just me and him And he supposed to be driving.


Why do ghosts love health food Because it’s super natural


The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.


Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall.


Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field


What do you do when your kitten poops? Catch it.


How did the Coca Cola can feel after being steam rolled? It was soda pressed.


me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers


I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask. I asked and they agreed.It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.


Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!


In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke


I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes.


My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran He's a pom-iranian


My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10


Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos.


The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. "It's because I gave up sex," he said."When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter."Just about fifteen years ago.""I see," said the reporter.  "And why did you give up sex?""I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!"


What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence


“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”


My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues. For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.


what do you call two old people having sex? a slowpoke.


I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again.


There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle


I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.


What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside? Coconuts


I used to be a tile guy...... It was a lot of trowel and error.


The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.


What do you call Dragon with no silver? A dron


Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.


Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".


How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.


An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather. On the other, they don't really help.


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump.


What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison.


What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.


When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!


Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy.


Russ: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard." Clark: "It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room."


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue.


My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...       ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.


What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”


Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled


Two men were chatting in a bar "So what do you do?""I write""Oh, poetry or prose?""Neither, I write cartoons""Why's that?""No rhyme or reason"


I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument.


I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.


I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed I'm feeling pretty blue


This sentence contains exactly threeee erors. The third error? The fact that there are only two errors. The fourth error? Running this gag


Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel


A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"


Where do pigs hear their favorite songs? On the Ham Radio!


What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense


Vegan thanksgiving On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?You butternut squash that!


“Mommy, why did you name me rose?” “Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”“Yes, it is”“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”“Shut up brick”


All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent? A Nun-Disclosure Agreement


If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have? A Tupac


Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them


A chickpea got called to a murder scene It was a hummucide


As a kid growing up I'd always get bullied, every morning they'd spit in my food and call me names. Man, I hated being home schooled.


Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession? Every day is a hare-raising experience.


Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss South Africa." So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: "I hope this helps."


What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!


Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".


Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog


February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10.


In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback


What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!


When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income.


What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!


What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner? The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.


In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject? In prison


I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues.


What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!


I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef. That meant the steaks were just too high for me.


How do you tell if a cow is male or female? If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female


A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."


What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully.


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights.


A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered."What year?" asked the waiter."Right now!" bellowed the tourist.


I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen


An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.


If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


Why did the skeleton climb the tree? A dog was chasing him.


Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Dead people reward What do dead people get as a reward?Atrophy


Metric system isn't popular in the United States? Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets


I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold.


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.""Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?""Your cholesterol is down to 140."


What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow.


My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her


A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:"Hey, man, leave some for us!""I can't, I inserted everything."


I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous.


The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it.


My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory but he is starting to come around.


What's another word for a mattress? A loaf of bed.


A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!" Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"


What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!


My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke. Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.They passed a sign that said:  Toronto LEFT.Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.


Why do couples cry at the altar? Eye Dew.


Welp we got ourselves a new disease... But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:- OCD cleanliness - agoraphobia - antisocial personality


Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there.


What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.Donald Trump can’t tell the difference


Santa's Workshop What kind of music do elves listen to?Wrap.


if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker


What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad.


Roses are red, Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red,              fu\*k my garden's on fire


What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One


What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files? A .flac gun


My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.


My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards He’s such a noitol.


What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk.


What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.


Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.


What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common? My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.


Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?" "Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"


After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...