If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.


I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’.


People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )


I don't like Fahrenheit. I don't like Celsius. I don't like Kelvin. I prefer to measure my degrees in Radians.


I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass... he's been working ever since.


I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet.


What do you call a iceberg in a ghost sheet? A polargeist


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid.


I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.


I thought my mouse was dead. But it's alive and clicking.


Why don't trees talk? They don't like to dialogue.


Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student but he slacked off one semester.When he got his report card, he shouted "Bs! Not the Bs!"


One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad.


Community is the best sitcom Chang my mind


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."I was raised to listen to my elders...


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.


What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle.


What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future? A tarot-dactyl!


Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket? Because he was grounded!(I'll see myself out)


I just saw my stormtrooper girlfriend for the first time in 6 months. She said she missed me.


If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have just hired her!


Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.


There is an owl among us.. Friend: Who?Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second


During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, I think God takes you by your feet because.... "I once walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


Why do golfers need two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one.


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names? People call a group of chickens a Brood.People call a group of Falcons a Cast.People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”


I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt


What do you call an American who doesn't tip? Cheap. What do you call a Brit who doesn't tip?Creasp.


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”


Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses! Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...


Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop.


Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to


Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin


How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.


They should make Star Trek toilet paper... ...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus.(been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)


What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast


The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”


When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.


I can prove the Earth is flat But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless.


Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con.


My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.


What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.


What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do a sperm bank and Michael Jackson have in common? They both tell you to beat it.


What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts


I got home last night to find that all the windows and doors were open and everything was gone. What kind of monster would do this to an advent calendar!?


How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal.


Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth.


I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre


What T.V. Channel will never air the sitcom Scrubs? TLC; Because, they don’t want, no scrubs.


Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons.


My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic


I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.


If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth.


My wife has only one problem: she can't tell the difference between Geology and Geography Either way, she can still rock my world.


Train joke A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train.


A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?"Cum at me bro".\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?"It's bananas"\... read more


What do you call naked mannequin falling out of a window? An obscene clone fall.


A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes. She snorted half a gran.


First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.


"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name?"Scissorhands"


[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more


What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air.


What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...


I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood.


What do you call a bone who thinks he is god? A blasfemur!


I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch. I want to make concrete changes to my life.


Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.


What's it called when a flower gives head? Floral.


What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle.


The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"Cop "How many times did you hit him?Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"


Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents


My school had a mental health fair But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.


Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom? Me neither, the door was locked.


Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95


Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.


What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag


What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor


U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins... ...but Asian singles are in my area.


A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."


my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...


My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans.


I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, "It's not you, it's you."


The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.


My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant.


Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.


My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license


Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.


Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!


Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!


Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What’s a judge preferred breakfast? Oathmeal


What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics


I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship.


What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school? "Hi kids, do you like violins?"


Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)


What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!


The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.


Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!


I think I was hacked by russia Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai? What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?Mac: a Ronin


What is the difference between a Peach and a Orange? You can't imorange a Peach but you can impeach an Orange.


What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA


Did you hear what that guy on the east coast said? I dont know either he wasn't pacific.


birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day


My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving


What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian


A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs. They were made for the sink.


I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback.


What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.


My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!


What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician


Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!


What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.


If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.


What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!


I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it.


I always have heavy security at my far-left political rallies... It's dangerous to have unprotected sects.


"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ". "This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".


Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity


Judge, "on what grounds do you want a divorce?" Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar,  almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!"Judge  "You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?"Husband  "No, She's out looking for Me!!"


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.


My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear At least that’s what I think she was saying


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


I was at the park watching over my kid as he played when a lady sits next to the bench I’m on and looks at me suspiciously, then asks, “Which ones yours?”   Blinking, I replied, “I dunno, still choosing...”


Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!


My dad always believed in learning things by doing them. So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...So that he could teach himself CPRCredit: Anthony Jeselnik


50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.


My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?" Absolutely broken.  25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.


What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.


My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.


One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth


When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this... Iran


An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?""Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."


Why don't eggs tell jokes  They'd crack each other up.


Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail? It was charged with battery.


How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.


My daughter just shrieked at me, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land.


Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


I tried watching The Neverending Story. Couldn't finish it.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!


A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????
General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..
Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???


Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure


What’s a ghosts favorite type of porn? Boo-kakke


RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.


MY friend made a joke about the flooding of South Asia. I stopped him and sad: "Too monsoon man."


What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy? That Sharon is Karen...


They named a new scent after the coronavirus It's called Leave Me The Far Cologne


School report. My teacher gave us an assignment to tell her our idols and then say what we would do if they walked in our house. I got off easy because I said Stephen Hawking.


Boss shows up at a job site Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."


At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?


Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage


- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many


I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It's called On and On Anon.


What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath.


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive. Unless that language is Klingon


Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry? Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!


I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...


I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language. Her sign language was on point.


What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!


Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else.


Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run


Did you hear about the guy who got his face ripped off by a leopard? He's alt-right now.


What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period? Please stop Ovary-acting [P.S.. i sure hope this hasn't been posted here before]


My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year He works in a non-profit organization


Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.


Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash.


Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too.


How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal


Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.


To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.


I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point.


A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good. Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.Me: Knock Knock.Interviewer: Who?Me: 2nd US President.Interviewer: 2nd US President who?Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.


Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first.


What is this movie about? It is about  hours long.


Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.


Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that" To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"


Turns out, I’m allergic to latex … I learned that one the hard way


I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down...


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather! Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!


Who invented King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it.


What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.


Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth.


I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"


3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.


What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.


What do you call a joke that makes no sense and has no effort? A cake day post.


Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache


What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath.


I recently went to a coin factory... I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.


My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her, "I think you mean fewer".


How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader? They hold an *electron*.


Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot.


What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast? A pilot, you racist


I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.


A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates.


Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.


Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..”


What's brown and sticky on the inside, brown and sticky on the outside? Any open jar of Marmite.


What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease


What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!


Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship! He now goes by "Hugh Truck"


Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole


Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started


Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral? The white ones were covered in brake fluid.


Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies? Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?


My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra.


Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)


Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


Our Boss has locked all toilet paper away in the company safe. If you need to go to the toilet you have to get a dollar note from the cash register.


Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent. "I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"


Whats the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and Marty McFly? Eventually Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.


What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass


I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.


Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators


My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me.


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him... Wakanda Pokemon are you?


Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..." Poor people say "Ramen."


I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule.


Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons.


A man walks up to me and says.. .."Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?"I say "Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam."


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.


What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.


Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle.


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette


If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**


I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life


Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin


Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.


Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent.


Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel He was void of ideas


What reward does a light rain get? A precipitation trophy


A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants.


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.


What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!


What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush.


[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial


It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events


The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"


My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard...


I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket.


Why does the motorcycle get sad when shifting gears? Because the clutch is depressed


Two rednecks watching a dog lick its balls... The first redneck says, "I wish I could do that." The second redneck says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."


My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...       ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.


My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started I suppose I should let him in


My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen


Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?


The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!


So Thanos is a farmer now... He must be really into crop dusting


my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum.


A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?''How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me.


My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust.


The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour. And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.


Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest.


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street


Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"? Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?


Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory. It was soda pressing.


Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus


“It’s easy to stand in the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone”, Mahatma Gandhi “It’s easy to stand alone but it takes courage to stand in a crowd” , Covid-19


I was with a group of friends when one of them suggested we play Twister. This person knows I'm not a fan of Twister. I hate being put in an awkward position.


My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”


What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common? When they get discovered, their career blows up.


What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College


What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe...


Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night


What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans? I hear they have a Tutankhamon


My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.And that was just the tip of the iceburg


My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'


A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. "That means a lot." The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!


I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel.


Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood.


What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'