A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it


All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.


Math is the language of science. f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*


A policeman pulled me over What do you do for a living, sir?It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.An... insect blender?Yes, I combine insects for a livingRight...A few minutes later I reached int... read more


A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book" The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"


Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.


What did the Finnish surgeon say after he botched a surgery? Please don’t Soumi.


Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.


My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.


Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from. I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement.


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”


Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore


I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B.


I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.


"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.." ".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."


I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.


What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online? Send nodes.


About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard He went downhill fast after that.


My social life is like an oxygen mask Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens


What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed.


When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"


Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place? Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.


I taught my son today to play Marco Polo We opened the cabinet and found China.


A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.


Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru? Battered fish were everywhere.


I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma" I think I might have male-aria.


A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910.


A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally.


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet.


Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..


My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?


Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs? In Liverpool.


My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog.


Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment. That's messed up on so many levels!


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!


Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. "Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.""We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.""That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!" "You balls are 3 inches from the pin."


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down


Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store.


I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


A stranger asked me to take out my watch and see how fast he could circle a fountain I told him I didn’t have the time for this


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


I was thinking of making puns about grain... But most people can *barley* stand it.Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry


Job security in the 21st century. That’s the whole joke.


I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man


What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer


How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant


"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches" Where?"1 o'clock"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!


I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”


What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings? School shootings have more class.


The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck.


What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada


what do you call ghost snot? BOOOOOOgers


What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole!*** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.


Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE


What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?


Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday.


Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common? They aren’t PC


On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?


So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten


What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs


What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all "blinded by the light"


Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in


Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks.


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


Joke I came up with at a resturaunt, at night :) I love how the sun doesn't get cancelled even when it throws shade at everyone?


So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."


Have you heard of the book “Living in Polygamy”? By Sharon Peters


You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.


A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock. "Why" the blonde asked.  "Are you going to set in on fire?


Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.


Where do typist go for a drink? To the space bar


How tall is the world smallest grandmother? One Nanameter.


I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"Paddy says, "What's his name?"Mick replies, "Miles, from London."


My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best. He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!


Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children... I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living.


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside.


A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."


A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.


Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial


What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates? .................. A toothbrush. Come on.


Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall? Apparently it escalated quickly.


Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high


I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response


Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19 Husband : Because you take my breath away!


Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish.


Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!


Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest.


I just nicknamed my new phone "Titanic" so whenever it's charging I can say "the Titanic is synching."


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch.


I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister. She said her schedule was flexible enough


I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Some tosser has taken the appendix out.


What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!


How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks.


How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black.


Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.


Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for. "This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"


Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.


Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events? Because they have BTSD.


What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road? There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill.


Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers.


The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women


I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield


What did the knight say to the turnip? Begone, foul beet!


What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger? One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.


I have a question about cow tipping. Is 15% enough?


7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now.


I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid They always tasted worse than the other crayons


Two cows are standing in a field... Two cows are standing in a field, One turns to the other and says, “Did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease going around the farm?” The other cow responds, “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”


Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter.


What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles


A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?" The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"


I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case


It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city. They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.


Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried. I mean, what are you Goya do about it?


Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed. so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child


Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)


What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year.


A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors.


What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!


Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.


I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera


In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished


My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.


I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.


What do you call it when a bunch of ghosts slime the same person? Boo-kkake!!!


Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit.


Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K


I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic.


The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History


Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said: I only have my shelf to blame.


Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.


"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?" “Excuse me, what?”


After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!


Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!


Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show? I heard the Characters suck a lot


Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans


What did the Indian woman say to her car when she locked it up for the night? Tata


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? "No thanks, I'm traveling light!"


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.


Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling.


"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


A friend of mine asked what my IQ was... I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.


Circumcision jobs don't pay much But you get to keep the tips


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


What is the worst name for a hair salon? Budget Cuts


Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said, 'Na na na na nana na'".


What's the difference between the governor of Texas and a neanderthal? Neanderthal evolved.


Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.


Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner


I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment


What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?


What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office? Not an ambulance.


Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war? He did Nazi it coming.


What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello


What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.


Dr Ian Malcolm isn't sure how to fit his favorite cereal in the grocery cart But Life finds a way


Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin


Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?... He was a gluten for punishmentSorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.


My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator


I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair


Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent. So a subreddit


I hired a new driver last month... He always goes the extra mile.I need a new driver.


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.


I got my Covid shot today. I feel fine, except... I have this strange urge to change my browser to Edge.


Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food? Because that would be a McSteak.


Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.


What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event: "It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."


Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too


I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock


What happens when a frog parks illegally? They get toad


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


What did Sodium say to Bromine and Oxygen when they offered a threesome? NaBrO


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)


As a kid I got no respect , I played hide and seek They wouldn't even look for me


I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**


What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does


I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium. 0MG 0K.


My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, "I didn't know it was on fire."


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!" I replied, "It's alright, I'm patient."


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


A few climate models are now predicting an unprecedented and alarming spike in temperatures — perhaps as much as 5 degrees Celsius Now those must be some hot models.


A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.


Why is the average American so stupid? Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school...


I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service..


How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.


What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music


What is the least stable element? Pandemonium.


What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide


Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn’t want to be a hot dog


Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard.


I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide


I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's. I call it the Stormy Daniel's.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone


I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say... I've never felt more at home.(Credit: Celia Pacquola)


I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse


How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item


Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears.


There's a new game called "Silent Tennis." It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.


In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback


"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..." "... the nurse does it for me.""I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."


A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins


Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights. Therapist: Tell me more.


My son asked me: "would you sell me for a million dollars?!?" I said "never in a million billion years!!"He asked "what about 2 million"I said "are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man"


A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares” “I think you misunderstood me”


A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume. It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.


Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery.


What is the average temperature in China? 451° F


Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above.


Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?


What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab? A cop ejects shells much more often


A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast.


A teacher asked her students. "What does the little chicken give you?"The students replied, "Eggs""What does the round pig give you?""Bacon""What does the fat cow give you?""Homework"


Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter.


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut.


If the human population held hands around the equator... A significant portion of them would drown


I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell.


What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments


I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons


I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”


Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside.


If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume... You're probably getting perfume for Christmas.


Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'? Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.ALTERNATE punchline: Because they drank it all.


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog


Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.


What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers.


A sleazy stripper runs for governor After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection.


"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?" "No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.""Why the two dogs?" "See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, "Can't you just use a sponge?"


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go.


What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.


Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow


I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me... I died of Dissin'-Terry


Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless.


What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus


3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.


What kind of trails does a crazy person travel? Psychopaths. (I hate myself)


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.


On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?


How do you prevent murders? Use a scarecrow


Someone called me lazy today I almost replied...


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


I take my time while putting toppings on my hotdogs. I choose to relish the moment.


3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours. Omelette du Fromage


"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?" A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".


During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles. I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years.


Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent. His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.


What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy? That Sharon is Karen...


What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!


My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up. I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water? Stew


There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks


Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels In other words - he pulled out


Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.


Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.


My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there.


Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.


A dragon would never explode But a dino might


I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.


What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.


The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.


I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons.


If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies


Robert De Niro has six children, That’s mucho de niro.


I tried to make Indian sourdough But that was a naan starter


TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs... ...don't wear protection.


A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...Because end of the day, communication is key.


I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something


My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.


I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".


The creator of auto-correct died recently May he restraunt in peice


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.


what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe? a banarnia republic


The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.


My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.


I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!" I replied, "It's alright, I'm patient."


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain... It was from ancient Greece.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.