I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.


Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..


What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War.


What did the toupee say to the hat? Cover me, I’m going on ahead.


What do you call a big shark with a huge dick? Megalodong


What's the quickest way to discard an old bike? Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver.


Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires? Cause they would tie themselves.


If a group of crows is a murder... ...then a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder.


What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others? Mussolini


My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.


I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK."


What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre.


My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull.


What do sharks and people have in common? All the great ones are white.


How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.


A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line


When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends "Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."


My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest.


What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na


So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.


Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy? beats me


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? "Hey there bud!"


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on.


Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


My leaf blower doesn't work. It just sucks!


What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Need your eggs fertilized this Easter? I've got a cock for that.  Just needs grains 2x a day.


You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park I guess he had a licence to grill


I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin.


In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino


What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal? Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes


My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole” “Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”


My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.


A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!" The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel."


Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork


What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common? They are both in an advanced state of D composition.


If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless


Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.


A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel.


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”


If Trump had been editor of the Sun, "Virginia" would have received a much different answer... No.


I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point


What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)


Is baseball mentioned in the bible? Yes!In the "big inning"


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere


I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu... I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.


Why did pirates eat oranges? For the vitamin SEA


Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”


Say what you want about suicide jumpers. I think they used all of their potential.


My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood


Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West's baby... At least she let him finish.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday


Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable.


I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”


My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint. He told me he was able to get out of the situation,  I asked him, “How?”He said“Iran”


A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films. He's going to call it Nyetflix.


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits


A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»


I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to."To change a light bulb" he replies."Won't that be difficult?" I ask."Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".


I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold.


Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator? No stepson


Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.


This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents.


I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O.


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


All vampires keep their money in a special place-the blood bank.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets


I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday. The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.


Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.


I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents.


I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold


A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions.


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees. Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.


Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.


I used to play drums when I was little, and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion


Turns out my grandma is with WSB As I was leaving her house yesterday, she just gave me $50 and said "Buy darling".


I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.


Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.


Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg.


It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.


As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself "I really need to shave my ass"


There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records.


Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!


I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair


I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...


Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.


I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam.. It's a great game if you're just loafing around.


I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’


What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K.


What do you say when bees colonize your chest cavity and start a farm? Bees till my beating heart.


If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked


A rich blonde woman from Beverly Hills was at the dentist about to get her tooth pulled. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?" She shook her head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. I only want the best! Do you have anything imported?”


What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease


My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.


I made a terrible mistake this morning. I got out of bed.


Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed.


John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night. Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever.


Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.


A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes? Hope there's no red tide.


Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."


Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut


Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized


You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?


My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't


What does your mum and Jupiter have in common They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment...And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons


What do you call a grenade dropped in a church? A weapon of Mass destruction


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!


A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB.


A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him. He remained unharmed.


Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd.


After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


If there's one thing that always makes me throw up...It's a dart board on the ceiling.


Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump.


I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it... Apparently, she left me two days ago...


My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."True stories can be jokes too..


What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose


I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer.


Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell


Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance


What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul


Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


Did you hear what that guy on the east coast said? I dont know either he wasn't pacific.


Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?"


What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash


Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew.


What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News


Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.


How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor.


How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box


My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other? They Dubai


A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.She can’t read very fast!


Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.


A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes "I'm a grandpa!"Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies "Hi Grandpa, Im dad."


Hey girl, are you a USB port? Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.


When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!


Girl are you corona? Cuz you took my breath away Her: boy are you Corona? Cuz I want to stay the fuck away from you.


Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says "Where's the candle?" The second replies "Sure does".


So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.


A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*


Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo


What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA) Water because butane is a lighter fluid


I finally came out of the closet today It took me forever to find the doorknob


I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty


I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.


I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said "holy cow"


There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"


What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.


There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.


What did the cop say when their stomach started growling? Stop! You're under a vest.


Did you hear about the guy who got his face ripped off by a leopard? He's alt-right now.


Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”


A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn't stop banging on about the size of his testicles. He was publicly hung.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.


What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.


What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.


How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones.


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists. Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.


Where does Luke Skywalker like to vacation? The HimaLeah


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley Because it's always Jammin'


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen? I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!


Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....


R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk.


That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall


Out of all the aspects of Tigers game Nobody ever faulted his driving....


Had to call out of work because of pink eye This weed hit me like a brickwall


An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me." Hearing this the Russian smirked"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


I met the world's riches fisherman today "What's your net worth?" I asked."This one was about £10" he replied.


What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!


How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being "U.O.K.?"


When the doc says I need to cut back on sodium, I take it with a grain of salt.


Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security.


How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.


If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<


"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.


What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile


What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ? Fizzyscists


Just started my Vegan diet. They're a bit chewy, but better than kale.


How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie


My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


Space colonization I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out


Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


Did you hear the pasta makers in Italy revolted? It was a ravioli-tion


A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?""I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds."I don't understand.""Oh, I just came in my pants."


Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary).


UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.


The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long... They had no chemistry et. al.


Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal Feel free to go fuck yourself


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... "Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."


You know what they say about the French royal family? It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.


I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit.


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called.


What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic.


What do you call an Irish dinosaur? Pter O'dactyl


What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.


What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store.


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony


I just put C4 in my washer And blew my load


The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!


Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed.


You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit... But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.


How do you make a tissue dance  You put a little boogie in it.


It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum.


I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us


My buddy told me a joke about oxygen and potassium It was O K


Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night.


I just love the way the earth rotates It really makes my day


I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life


Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.


What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state.


Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.


What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all "blinded by the light"


I've just released my own fragrance No one else in the car liked it though.


My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.


A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."The helium doesn't react.


How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher.


A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time.


My resolution this year is the same as last year. 1920x1080


My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it. The steaks have never been higher.


My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.


A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months! I also haven't worked in months.


Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day.


My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock.


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.


My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.


My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key


All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions.


A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!


hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'


My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.... He's the spokesman.


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!


My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”


Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid.


[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity? He came out of his shell.


In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!


Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.


Why do pancakes always score a bunch of runs in baseball? They have the best batter.


Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


How do you throw a space party? You planet.


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn't peeling well.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.


Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.