I hired a bee to run my IT security department He makes really good honeypots


Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, "Blubblublubblubblub."


Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It's feeling crummy.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop


What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”


What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease


Everyday biology pun What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay?photos-and-thesis


Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.


My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out. Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.


My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone


Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)


Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia. I hear it's pretty lit.


A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator. Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".  The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."


Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal.


We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.


At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!


What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps? Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn't like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)


Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy.


My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.


When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard.


Why can't Peter Pan be grounded? You: Because he Neverlands.Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan.


Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.


I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?" "Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."


An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"


Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: What font is this?


Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?


What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona.


Did you hear about the guy whose New Year’s resolution was to flip over an electric car while test-driving it? He was turning over a new LEAF.


What do you call King Henry VIII when he’s in the air? An altitudor


I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.


me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers


You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)


Fowl Play Where do orphaned chickens and turkeys end up?Foster Farms


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs? Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.


Why's it called a lighter? A lighter is called a lighter because it gets lighter every time you use it


I had to throw out all of my danish currency I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse


What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers? Hebrew.


A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office? He was the first Porkmaster General.


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


Dicks never leave a tip. It's the hands' job.


I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.


If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period....... ......... Won't that be called dessert?


How did they know the victim of the shark attack had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach.


A man walks up to me and says.. .."Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?"I say "Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam."


Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.


How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other? They Dubai


How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet? He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!


Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"I said, "That's the point."


A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup. After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.


I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.


My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”


I only drink on days beginning with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow


I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued... "Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."


A lady goes grocery shopping. So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."


Ducks What is impossible to witness among ducks?A pair-o'-ducks


Did you hear about the Star Trek poetry night? It has it's Prose and Khan's.


Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


A guy says to the bartender "Give me something tall, cold and full of gin." The drunk on the next stool turn angrily and says "Be careful. You are speaking about the woman I love."


An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.


I want to be a baker My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.I was bread for this.


Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain. Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.


Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.


What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH


Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach.


How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet


Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!


What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


The most important element of public speaking? Podium


What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago.


So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't.


What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork


Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.


A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared" The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.


What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle.


There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's


When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan


Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher.


What type of fish can perform a liver transplant? A sturgeon.


What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat.


A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy


There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection


Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.


I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.


My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away He died from a hand grenade


John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t


"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?" No thanks, I gave at the office.


What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!


Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!


What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)


What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui.


I kissed a vampire last Halloween. Do you know what it felt like? A pain in the neck


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it's not polite to fish and tell.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom.


”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?” ”Trying to find a way out, sir.”


Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit.


Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty


After yesterday’s events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.


Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.


No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.


How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!


Why do farmers put bells on their cows? Because their horns don’t work.(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)


I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society! Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")


I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs


Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key


I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.


My biology teacher stubbed his toe today and screamed.. Mitosis


I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..." It's just clique bate.


The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years. Never knew he was a barber, though.


What would a snowman say if he could talk? "I smell carrots."


Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.


I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.


Cancer is a terrible disease ... but it grows on you


What do you call King Henry VIII when he’s in the air? An altitudor


I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard' Makes Sense....They caused lots of destruction, Was full of snowflakes, And a whole lot of White.


I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger


Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]


Cigarettes are like squirrels. Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.


When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine That way, I’ll go out on a high.


I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off


Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling.


Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate ...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.


Anyone know how to lift a house? My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.


What do you call a computer file that likes children? A PDFFile


"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?" "2 dollars"  "They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts


Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist.


Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station... The service station attendant looks over and says "looks like you've blown a seal""No I haven't," says the Walrus, "I've just finished an ice-cream."


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


I lost both arms to a motorcycle accident. I think there’s something wrong with my legs too but I just can’t put my finger on it.


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.


An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in "Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!""All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle."No, only one."He starts cleaning the rifle again.


Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)


What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy


[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing


What do you call a family that smokes weed together? Joint family.


The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach unless he’s a vegetarian.Then you can get there through his vagina.


I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, "Are you here for my daughter's hand?" In the interest of being honest, I replied, "I'm mostly interested in her vagina." He was taken aback so I quickly added, "but in a pinch her hand'll do the job."


Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof


Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet? It wasn't his duty.(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Russ: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard." Clark: "It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room."


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?" "No, just visiting." Said the guy.


What did the pancake say to the complimentary muffin? I'm flattered!


In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?" Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.


I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.Did I do it wrong?


My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags


I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person; It's bound to come up sooner or later!


I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.


What disease are anti-vax kids immune to? Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.


What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans? vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim.


How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom. Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out.


So a network specialist comes up to me and says "do you wanna here a joke?" There was a Linux error


Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.


What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L


Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.


I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup... But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.


What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.


Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks… …because the other is a buoy ant


Christmas cake recipe **Required Ingredients:*** 1 cup of water* 1 cup of sugar* 4 large brown eggs* 2 cups of dried fruit* 1 teaspoon of salt* 1 cup of brown sugar* Lemon juice* Nuts* 1 bottle of whiskey**Preparation:**Sample the whi... read more


What's the difference between the governor of Texas and a neanderthal? Neanderthal evolved.


I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.


One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise.


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her. Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.Guy: Scrambled.?Her: No, Cadbury's.


Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin


It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic. Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.


Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.


I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed.


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.


Windows loves to troll me Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer. As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast.


Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down? They should have been a Firehouse Subs.


A guy started yelling at me in sign language It was a deaf threat


Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...


My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order


My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio Jumping to conclusions


Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.


What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed.


I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network... ...and call it LinkedIn Park.I'll show myself out now.


What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.


Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"


One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan.


I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.


Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows? They’re making “headlines”


Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas.


What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.


Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank.


How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What is the tallest building in the world? The library-it's got the most stories.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.


What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.


Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert. Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!


Forecast calls for a heavy downpour of faecal matter I heard it's going to be a total shit storm


Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor


What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday).


I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.


Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie. There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.


I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation.


A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??""It is not mink, it's polyester!""Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"


Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir.


My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing. It was very hard to hear that.


What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)


California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned


An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?


An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."


I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia.


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."


I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... "Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?""My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."


Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”


As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon.


Cutting carbs You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right. I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.


Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!


My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch.


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"


What did the blubber salesman say when he found out the margins on petroleum were better? Whale oil be damned!


What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space? A steroid.


I heard that they had to increase the security in the graveyard last week. People were dieing to get in.


The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.


A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.


Train joke A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train.


What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already


The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality. Unfortunately, he drowned.


Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny... insufficiently.


With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.


Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand.


My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow.


I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, "So nothing new then"


Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel


Will February March? No, but April May :')Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.And yes, I know it's bad.


I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.I'm calling it, "Resolutions."


Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?" Me: "On the way here, silly."


When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit


What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob


They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic.


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.


How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.


A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else. The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"


How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them.


What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What pasta is always getting locked out of its house? Gnocchi!


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out


Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!


I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK."


Did you hear the joke about the dentist who loves tooth extraction? [removed]


A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint...


Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor? Because you only have your shelf to blame


Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.


I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents...


People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.


After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name. Unfortunately Iran was already taken.


Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days.


Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them.


Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year.


We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.” It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose


The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<


Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Why did tiger quit golf? He lost the ability to drive


Kid : " What are condoms used for?" Dad : " To avoid such questions. "


7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now.


I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.


My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.


Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly


Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination


You know that scent of moth balls? If so- you're some weird freak spreading its legs to sniff it.


My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there.


Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”


You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs


I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating


How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A.


My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure


Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? To connect its head and body together.


A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.


There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe… And it makes you limp…


What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing.


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth... Now she's Forever 21.


Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ? He had no guts ....


A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"She smiles and says, "Yale."He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched


What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.


Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? His father grounded him.


So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it


What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7


Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.


I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


If the early bird gets the worm, then I think I'll just sleep in.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.


I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"


I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.


Why did tiger quit golf? He lost the ability to drive


What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock


What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


What do diarrhea and hair color have in common? They both run in your genes.


I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially.


My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist.


Why is every American receiving a $1200 check? Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.


Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment


I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day, I bailed.


This bloke said to me, “would you be up for doing an impression of a pheasant?” I said, “sure, I'm game!”


Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections.


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread? He's in a lot of pain.


My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik


Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


The key to paradise Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.Dad: paradiseSon: what do you have between your legs.Dad: the key to paradiseSon: maybe you should change the locks.Dad: what? Why do you say that?Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it.


Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system. He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?""Your mom," I replied.


Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!


I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."


What's the deal with scented candles? If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.


I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything... but eventually it made scents.


What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle.


What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it


i walk through the forbidden forest im treespassing


A starter cable walks into a bar The bartender says" I'll serve you but dont start anything."


A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar.


What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SnowballsCourtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a "dirty joke" she overheard from some elder school mates.


What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!


My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!Edit : grammar


If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve... ....that would be a reservation reservation reservation -credit to Brian Regan


Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs? He's a Pabst-ist.Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke


I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mother was furious.


What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease? A mover and a shaker


How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.


The air in California is so toxic I think I might date it.


Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*


I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out.


What do you get when you cross a water buffalo with a firetruck? steamed beef


If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have? A Tupac


How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.


I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.


I was illegally hunting for mushrooms. I have questionable morels.