This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about. But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.


Vegan lady and a butcher A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".


A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. "Lettuce in!"


There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye. If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.


Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.


A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied " Jenius"


In space, two aliens are talking to each other. The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"


What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border? _Tres_ passers


Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.


What form of birth control works better with holes in it? Crocs


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction


As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.” The tree was stumped.


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!


Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?


What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !


I was gonna make a giraffe joke But it's too long


George and Jeff watches TV George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"Jeff: "What happened?"George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"Jeff: "That *is* terrible."Jeff: "I hate counting too."


I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.


John asks out a girl The girl replies: "Come to my house in the evening, nobody is going to be home."In the evening John goes to her house and nobody's home


I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.


What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!


A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"The guy says "looking for me"....


Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!


People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume... Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.


What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual.


I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now


I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...


My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why? I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.


Why is gambling illegal in China Because they hate Tibet


Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.


What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


I’m never getting a massage there again... place rubs me the wrong way.


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me


I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence.


I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe.


Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people's molars? Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.


All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo


What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis.


Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator


What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment.


If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive


What do you call a disabled gang member? A crip


I've spend the last 10 years looking for my mother in law's killer... But nobody will do it!


It's too early for hurricane jokes wait for everything to blow over first.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that...


How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push.


Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll.


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread... I’m a gluten for punishment.


Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines


Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"His boss replies "Is it ticking?""No, it's turkey and ham."


A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.


For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake.


A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”


what happens when two Samurai got into and argument it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.


I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein "But your name is Brian", he said."Yeah, I know - and I was named *after* Albert Einstein", you little prick.


Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows... Son: Herd of cows, dad.Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!


My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth.


Boxed In There was a young girl from PeruWho filled her vagina with glue.She said with a grin,“If they pay to get in,They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us


I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager.


Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future


Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die? 00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)


What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password? A battering R.A.M.


Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits.


A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes... The bartender says that'll be $20.20


What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered? Little miss Steak.


I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants


My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself.


I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument I got band


How much should you spend on a bottle of wine ? I don't know...maybe 15 minutes!!


What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song? What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?Area Codes by Ludacris


Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change.


What disease goes best with the coronavirus? Lyme disease


Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal.


An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... "Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."


When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends "Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."


Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car


My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads.


If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow.


Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.


What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya *^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!


Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament Because of his terrible driving


When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble... I’m his Hotline Zing!


What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt.


Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.


I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us.


"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace." "Really? That old chestnut?


So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease.


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security.


Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas.


We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.


What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions


When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless.


Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.


Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.


Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy.


How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh? A Ho-Ho-Homicide.


Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it


Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf. The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.


What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.


“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”


I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me


Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?" "Chilly", he replies.


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day.


Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car


You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?


The teacher asks little Johnny : "Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?" "I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !"


If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...


After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over... Apparently,  "because you were lonely?" wasn't the right answer


My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation. I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“


As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit.


I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.


The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling... And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...


French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)


My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving


There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection... Aloe darkness, my old friend.


Drax, John Cena, and a ghost are standing in a bar. Oh, sorry. Correction:      ,         , and a      are standing in a bar.


I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


If two vegans are in an argument, is it still called a beef?


What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim


My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though.


If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.


The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: "Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"


What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus.


I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters” and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.


This building is so tall, that if you jumped off the roof... You would die of old age.


What's an Irish seven course meal? a six pack and a bag of chips


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob


I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments. He was a huge bassist.


Im worried for my calender. its days are numbered.


So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?" and I was like "None of your bismuth"


What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise.


The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history Edit: Holy shit this blew up


My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.


I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming, Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?


Why don't racoons ever get COVID? They always wearing a mask and washing  their hands.  This is my first dad joke!  Hopefully my last.


Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter Isn't that nuts?


Stoner thought of the day: Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter..     ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work.


I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque.


I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy


Why are farmers always the best husbands? They always produce the best seeds.


Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


What form of birth control works better with holes in it? Crocs


A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."


My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor.


On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.


What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.


Why did the invisible man turn down his job? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


So I got out of the bathroom. Spoke to a friend saying " I can't believe thier still together after that shit."My friend said "Who"And I responded "My ass cheeks"


What happened when the bakery burned down? Their business was toast!


Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor? Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.


I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point


What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night? A Polish surname


Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself


Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals


Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.


The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..


The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?""Round?""Get a round""I get a round?""Get a round...""Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.


Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?


A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled. Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."


Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones


What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on.


A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it.


What do you call a Russian IT specialist? Mr. Switchitonanov


Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"... The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"


My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.


My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved. He is now a cancelled Czech!!


England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....


Why aren't there any Walmarts in Iraq? Because there's a target on every corner.


Man goes to the cardiologist "So, how many beers do you have per day?" the cardiologist asked."Four," the man responded."But last time I said you could only have two!""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two."


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama.


I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.


Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them.


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'


A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food.


What do you call an argument you have while you're high? Grass fed beef.BTW I came up with this myself.


This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


Two cows walk into a barn "man i hate this farm", said the first one."mood", mooed the second cow.


Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called "The Land Ho!"


Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up


I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most.


You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?


This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.


I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It's the only way to get your feet in.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs. "Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked."Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."


A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"She smiles and says, "Yale."He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


an occupation of a kid Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...  Father: a waiter?


Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates


With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will.


I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.


Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is.


I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard


Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries. They blow it up.


Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession


Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics? Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.


The rockets were approaching... So Iran.


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured? PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!


Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space? Because they can't open windows


Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."  He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear  Sneakers!


My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face.


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect


What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise


Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7.


Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL


I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today. It was a pointless lunch.


Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.


This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;


5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar. Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out."What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!""Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"


To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles. In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair


Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time? She worked knights.


Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.


I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now.


What’s a pirates favorite letter? R? Wrong it’s the C


A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB.


What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.


What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation


A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


Bargaining A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said "sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists."


Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss... Peggy Carter: "That was good."Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"


What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money.


What did the Spanish ghost have for breakfast? A bowl of ethereal...


I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come... I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!


People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


Went to the corner shop - bought four corners


How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


You can't spell par entry without "try."


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy.


My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor They were definitely cheap shots.


My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!


When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him "Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling "I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!"


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.


What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough...


What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick.


A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.' The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'


"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."


Four guys are hanging out One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”


They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub.


Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.


My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us.


This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???


You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm


Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack.


Why are communists always late to events? Because they’re Stallin’!JK. It’s cause they starved to death.


I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.


An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem.


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


What did the zipper say to the dick? Wanna hang out?


She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?


Stupid people are like Slinkies. They don't have much purpose, but it's fun to push them down the stairs.


What’s the last letter in the fascist alphabet ? I’m not so sure... all I know is it’s “not z”


*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer. Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals.


Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken


My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood


What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face? Genetic makeup


How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread? You cut the ends and now have endless bread.


Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic. My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns


Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents." So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.


I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.


If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?


The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working. It doesn't make any cents!


My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother.


Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30 No idea how to wake it up though...


What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’


What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake


Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.


Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.


I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants


Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.


What do wounded alligators drink? Gatorade


My uncle is like a good love story Very touching


How would you describe summer in one word? Summary


I went into the bathroom the other day.... and I lost my shit


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.


Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.


My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'