My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I walked into a pet shop. I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."He said, "Have you got the receipt?"I said, "No."He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."I said, "The parrot ate it."


I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.


Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard.


The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.


What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu? A gastrophysicist


Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls… I think they're Inca hoots…


What do horses say when their food gets stolen? Hay come back!


What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.


This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."


I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.


Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies? Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable.  Let me know! Thanks.


Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw


Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time? Al Kaline.


How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant? Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start.


What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg


It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas.


I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings


I joined the local gym’s swim class Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be.


Oxygen and potassium went on a date... ...it went ok.Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.The other chemicals were like 'omg'!Two noble gases went on a date.There was no reaction.Two protons went on a date.There was no attraction.Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.They felt... read more


"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.


My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression


I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link


Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more


To-do list of the pink panther To-do  To-do  Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...


A priest is celebrating mass. He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."


A beggar once asked me, "Any change?" I said, "Nope. You're still broke."


You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans


I was having an argument with my friend the other day He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.


I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK.


mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]


Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says "Au get out of here"


SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!


What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.


Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right


I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum.


'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'


Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir.


A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head


I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.


Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts.


Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries? Because the prose outweigh the cons.


How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.


How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


I try to avoid eating anchovies. It's a little fishy.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense? Because they're hanging on to every last word.


I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though. What a re-leaf.


Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals


This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019 Edit: \*2020


A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah. But today is the last day...”


Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..


My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess... Adi does.


A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.


Roses are red, violets are blue(ish) Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.


What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism


Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree? Only the leaf reached the ground.


Why are aircraft always painted white? The colour seems a bit plane to me


You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®


r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time.


In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk.


If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock


Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president


The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection.


What do we call a group of 12 atoms? Dozen matter.


This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?


A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.


How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer


The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.


A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today Officers state that the details are sketchy


What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11? A supreme liter.


(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread... I’m a gluten for punishment.


Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other. The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"


My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.


I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym


My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.) But she has a  friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.


My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue. It must have been a lighter shade of blue.


Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again.


Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker


I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour... On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.


How can you tell that an ice cube didn’t graduate from college in the US? Because it has 0 degrees.  Also because it uses the Celsius scale.


What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste


What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation


What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh.


What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall? Claustrophobia


A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply.


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College


My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves


I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.


Every morning my girlfriend pegs me relentlessly and proceeds to beat me with her huge hands. She's one of the best cribbage players I know.


Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown


A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!


What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless.


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up? The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)


A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain? Anything to make a sail.


What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!


"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?" "I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning"


I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, "What does he do when his glasses get dirty?".


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding! She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!


I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”


Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates.


Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny... insufficiently.


Why can't a computer play tennis? server unavailable


A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.It was a brief case.


Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus.


If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person...


You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider


Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came


Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster? So the cock could doodle too


9 and 5 walk into a haunted house... 9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."


What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping? My zipper.


I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it. It was pretty hardcore.


TIL that singing will scare bears. You just have to be a bearatone.


What is a question word. That's grammatically true.


I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire


And the world breathed a big sigh of relief... The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe


Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents.


Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission.


Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb. Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.


Why was the document arrested? Because he was a PDF-file


Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?


When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results


Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.


Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.


Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.


Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.


Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.He was Stark, raving mad.


Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.


I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”


A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."


With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will.


What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speed runner


What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille.


Can February march? I'm not sure, but April may.


I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night... that he had 3 movements.


I asked my doctor if he takes tips. He said I had mistaken him for a mohel.


Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide.... Always under a buck! lolMy 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.


At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years! Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior.


After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance. The air ambulance won.


Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!


What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"


What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Why do monsters love writing books in a cemetery? Because they have great plots.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil? A pan.. duh??


What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet


Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.


Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort.


I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.


A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat: Lychan Sub Scribe


Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm


NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it


What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*


Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....


Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.


What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)


What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.


Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking.


You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath? The cornyer the better!!


My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective... because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.


Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly.


The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?""No your Highness," the man replied, "but my father was."


February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on.


I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke. Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.


What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.


What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!


What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle? The Polar Bear


Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?


I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.


English teacher: English teacher:  Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children." Teacher: Get out.


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance.. The rabbit says "tango?"He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"


A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?""Hans Muller" replies the German."Occupation?""No, just visiting this time."


Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”


My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal


What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope


Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.


What is Mike Tyson's favorite element? None of your Bismuth


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt? 10


hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'


Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.


A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"


What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea? It sinks.(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)


Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops.


I grew up believing my grandfather had been a Japanese prisoner of war. Turned out he just liked hiding things up his arse.


What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie


My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.


What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.


I have a clean conscience - it's never been used.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know


Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon


(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!


Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street


My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation. 'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.I laughed to myself.'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.'Oh...' she began to smile.'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.


All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions.


Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...


Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October


Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected... I asked the girl for a movie.She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.Me : "You decide".She : "No, you should decide"Me : "No, you decide"She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"


“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”


I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis. So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.


What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match? Gg Hadid


Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '


Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.


What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!


My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard.


So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"


"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear."Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."


Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools


Why does a snail never sell its home? Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot.


I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me


How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.


Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot.


Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


My teen daughter is acting really odd. She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.


When I was a little boy my dad lost his job.. .. because they invented a little gadget that could do his job, only better and faster. As soon as my mum heard of this she ran out and bought one.


I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear


I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks


I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.


There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate. As you can see... That's bullshit.


Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP


A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          "don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?""Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."


What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common? They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does


DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."


People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"


Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.


I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.


Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne


What does the law say about internet trolling? You know the rules and so do I ...


What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs


What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.


I have pictures of girls showing their tits. I keep them on my flash drive.


Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


"Just look at that couple down the road," a wife told her husband. "He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that?" "Are you insane?" he responded. "I barely know the woman!"


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again.


I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said "suture self"


What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza? That Crust taste, Son!


What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has so many stories.


What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k


Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."  He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".


TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA


What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans


Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.


How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet


What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!


Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source.


Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask "Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?"


Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents." Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.


Did you hear about the long tailed game bird whos boyfriend suddenly proposed to her? She was pheasantly surprised


When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months. I was his friend for life.


A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.


How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions


What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents


City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day **Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope


When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”


Two strings walk into a bar... ...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."


Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March.


I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough


Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.


I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard


I went to the butchers and asked if he had a lambs head No he replied, it's just how I come my hair.


What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav


A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I've just been made redundant from my job in a pasta making factory!!!! All I did was make a fusilli mistakes!


A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors. He died by euthanasia.


My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik


(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."


What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!


"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?" I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."


Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.


What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob


A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."


What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum


"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?" A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".


A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?" The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."


Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.


I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.


Me: 'Hey, I was thinking... ' My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'


What do you call a vampire in trouble? A grave problem.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!