Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


introducing my gf to my family me: this is my gf, amandaamanda: himy wife: what the fuck


Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.


People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, "I have no egrets."


Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal.


Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Okay, you man the guns.  I'll drive."


What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow


I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond."


Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle


My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It's an armadildo.


I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work. I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals


Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper? His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.


Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too.


What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?


Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house...


"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick." "You're what, son?


Are you a baby crocodile? Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds.


I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.


How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"


The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”


Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock. Everytime it goes off, I get woke.


China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed


The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them In the end, time wounds all heels.


What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins.


I can't believe its pancake day again already.. It's really créped up on me!


My first time using the elevator... was an uplifting experience.The second time let me down.


A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”


My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille. It’s giving me Goosebumps


My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well... I think they deserve a raise.


What do Tv and American schools have in common? there weren't any colours until the 60s


Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone It was my way or the Huawei.


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision... A rip-off


Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury


The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women


I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".


I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents.


My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes I texted her "Oh Pun the door"


A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food.


They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger.


What happens when you take the shell away from a snail? It becomes sluggish


We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air.


Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake I hear it's shocking


A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, "Where are you from?" The brunette haughtily replies, "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, "Where are you from, bitch?"


I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That’s just nuts!


Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized


What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.


One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that...


What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.