Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual


People claim ghosts are real... But I’ve lived in this house for 527 years and I’ve never seen one.


For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


What was the name of the physician who could smell the future? NostrildamusI made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)


Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here.


I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons


I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe


I met an Australian network engineer I asked him "do you come from a LAN down under?"


I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts


My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe. But I would never trade the world for more time.


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis. So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.


A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa." When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure.


What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer.


And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights.


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


A russian bear, a chinese bear and an american bear walk into a bar... ...They kill the bartender.  I mean what else would a bear do?


So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork She then looked at me puzzled and asked, "who fucked the stork."


What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.


I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after Now it smells like shit-rus


What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.


How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!


How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March.


I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.


My friend says to me: "What rhymes with silver" I said "No it doesn't"


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous. Well... Not right now but I will!


What did the network engineer give to his fiancée? A token ring.


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again


Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog... ...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.


I went for a job as a contortionist... They asked, "How flexible are you?"I said, "Well! I can't do Thursdays."


I heard there was a humvee crash at the Pentagon today. The driver ran into a popcorn cart. There were two colonels crushed.


I slept like a baby last night. I woke up periodically, screaming in terror and confusion.


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?" Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.


What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling... I guess you could say it was two tired!


I retired from rock drumming, but now I'm back! Repercussions


Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)


Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold “Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”Robin hood turned back to the man. “You’re what?”


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?" she replied "It isn't in yet" I said "Yeah, that's the one!"


I took my niece to the zoo the other day... The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.I called the zookeeper over. "What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?""It's a Shih-Tzu"


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line.


Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.


I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.


Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!


What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick.


My boss fired me. "Why?" I asked.He said, "You always question authority."  I said, "How?"


I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts I'm going to call it leave me the fuh cologne


It is good for a man to meet a girl in a park It is even better for him to park his meat in a girl


Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear. So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that" To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"


Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else.


The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors 1. How dense the population is2. How dense the population is


Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian.


My least favorite food? Sausage, specifically from Germany.They're the wurst.


I discovered a new letter of the alphabet But it's hard to type


In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!


An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight


A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars."Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"


I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.


What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer.


My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth.


I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes" ... haven't gotten a gig yet though.


My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period "Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"


OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once


Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.


Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.


My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer... We’re in grave danger


I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.


How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self."


If I had a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on... I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?


A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'


Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun.


“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”


Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones


If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces. Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?


Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve


I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.


A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.


The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."\~ Abraham Lincoln


Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby I should have known that would cum in handy


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


How does an Italian win an award in television? He has to rigatoni


What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam? Medium well done.Side joke: It made very few mis steaks


Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned


Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out... No bueno


What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows.


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may


Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury. But by tomorrow I should be fine again.


What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie


I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said


Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings? The solution is always right around the corner.


I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat.


What do witches call their garage? A broom closet.


Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts.


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...


What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block.


What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup


I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart


Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....


Short Chemistry Joke For You All What are the elements of life?Lithium and Iron


What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.


Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls? Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!


Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background? I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.


I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No


Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly.


Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”


What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.


What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old.


My 9 year old.... ...is yelling at me, "Hey dad, look at me! Im a 3D printer!"I respond "Close the bathroom door, son!"


Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.


If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment... ...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq


A car thief gets brought before the judge Judge: Why did you steel the car?Thief: I had to get to work.Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)


After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it.


I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more


Little boy runs to his mother yelling "Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!" Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. "Haha Aprli Fools!" laughs the boy "He hung himself in the basement."


I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.


Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night... ...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.


I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops


I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium.


God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s? Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?God: Of course, what else?Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?Gabriel: YesGod: Well, shit.


Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity? Fa-yeet-a


A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.


What do you call a queue of cats at the bank? A feline


I have the best idea to tackle over-population Send your kids after John Wick


Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke.


I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. "Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad."


I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.


My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.


Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East ...but ISIS


I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?" she replied "It isn't in yet" I said "Yeah, that's the one!"


Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo


At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”


It's good thing tall people like me don't grow on trees friend: too bad shorter people could use the shade!


Went into my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles. " Hard back"? Asked the worker" yes " I replied " with little heads "


Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?Dad: So you won't get bored there.


Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society


My pet baby shark said his first words, he said.. Da da, da da


My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall' to her. I said "Maybe...".


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."


How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”


Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”


I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.


I got vaccinated today It was one of those drive thru deals where you don’t leave your car. Right before the nurse injects me she says “little prick”. So I called her a fat bitch and drove off. What’s wrong with people these days?


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP.


How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board


Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself


Kidnapper? Do you mean... Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)


What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.


Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.


People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection.


My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".


Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that" To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"


Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns.


What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake


Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"


Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting...


Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon. Just for the festive period.


Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point


I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.


I bought a racing snail I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.It didn't work, it became more sluggish.


Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that


I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant It's a real game changer...


The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related.


Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"


What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.It just staired.  (Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)


Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is.


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa.2. You don't believe in Santa.3. You are Santa.4. You look like Santa.


A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y


I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not. I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"


I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley Because it's always Jammin'


A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one... When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.


Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically."Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."


What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!


What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping? My zipper.


Pencil Box Kingdom Who's the king of the pencil box?The ruler.What's the kingdom's most important discovery?Pencillin.What is the national sport?Erasing.What's the national motto?Keep calm, Crayon.Who are their discriminated minority?The whites.... read more


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can’t jump


Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana


Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent.


*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* "Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"


I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower


Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.


Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wallTrumpty Dumpty had a great fallAll the golf courses and all the white menCouldn't Make America Great Again


Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!


What did the bolt say to the nut? "Washer? I don't even know 'er!"


Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!


Friend: "Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?" Me: "Brochure"


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.


What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile? The spelling and pronunciation.


Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number.


Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!


What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.


My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly


Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa? She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.


I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”... ...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary


A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions


My friend said to me "what rimes with orange?" And I said "No it doesn't.".


After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message: *Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*


Which country's capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*


As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit.


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face


My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that.


What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!


There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.


I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car


I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?" He frowned. "What is it?""Hopscotch," I replied.


What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad.


[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply.


Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!


How to audio files say hi to one another? They just .wav


A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, "Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?" She searches her computer and says, "I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet."The man says, "Yes, that's the one!"


Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.


There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones.. ..they make me feel even number.


What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter.


I found an old violin and a painting in the attic. The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."


I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*


The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one...


What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample


I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.


I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face And order a McDouble


A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"


Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.


An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. A question mark walks into a bar?


I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.


After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying


I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriendCredits ~ Anthony Jeselnik


The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. "It's because I gave up sex," he said."When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter."Just about fifteen years ago.""I see," said the reporter.  "And why did you give up sex?""I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!"


Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."


What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ? Live stream


Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”


Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine.


There is a teenage kitchen basin at your front door selling water from the fountain of youth Let that sink in


When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.


I think my wife is a weather forecaster... A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...but then I turned myself around.


How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked "Bohemian Rhapsody."


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt... You officially hit rock bottom.


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white


How do you tell if someone is a Trump supporter? If their hat, shirt, bumper sticker, four flags on their car, license plate, the seven flags outside their house, and their personality doesn't tell you, I don't know what to say.


I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook. I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.


You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants? So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.


What is the profession of the handsomest atoms? They're atomic models


How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.


Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.


I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination.


Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. "GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"


What does a good book and an old dog have in common? You can’t put it down.


Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"


What do you call an Irish armchair? Patty O'Furniture


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


I had a fight with my erection this morning I beat it single handedly.


What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music


$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues.


I take my time while putting toppings on my hotdogs. I choose to relish the moment.


I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con


What do you call a female crab who is also single? Miss. Shell


What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray.


When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends "Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."


How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.


97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact. The rest of them are in North America.


Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny


Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!


Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick


I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.


What noise does a dead giraffe make? *thud*


I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back." Me: Yes that's the one.


Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail


practicing with the violin A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again. "What's wrong?" asks the teacher."It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"


Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns.


What is the difference between a light bulb and pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb.


Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!


What's dead, brown, and covered in sand? Shamima Begum's kids.


What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....


Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid.


What's an epileptic's favorite starter? Seizure salad.


I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising.


An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth. When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."


A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?" "No, just visiting." Said the guy.


What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice.


What did Donald Trump say to the cow? Fake moos!


My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'


What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two.


Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?


Why do squirrels live in trees? Because they’re fucking nuts!