Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot


You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends but you can't blow your friend's nose


Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.


My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock.


When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up. They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.


What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician


What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves.


I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase.


What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called? PaPa


I don't really like comic books They have too many issues


I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.


I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes.


February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards.


A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"


Two Germans walk into a London pub Two Germans walk into a London pub-2 Martinis please.-Dry?-Nein! ZWEI!


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


A man with a drum came to my door I told him to beat it


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!


I hate stair lifts They drive me up the friggin wall


I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death... I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?


What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? "Get your shit together"


This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!


The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes. Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up.


So I'm cleaning out my refrigerator and couldn't help to notice what a great blue cheese selection I have. Not intentionally.


Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


What is Alabama's population size? Family size.


Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males


You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow? one boos sadly the other moos madly


What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob


Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.


Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu


What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet... ...he finished it.


What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O


What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*


This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more


Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.Husband: I know all that.Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.


A flat-earther's greatest fear is... Sphere itself.


A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!" The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel."


My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either.


Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents." Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"


Santa Claus is a douchebag... He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”


What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire? An amateur electrician


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


Roses are black, violets are black... Everything’s black; I’m blind


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM.


I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server


What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed


I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins.


They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us


A whale goes to a plastic surgeon He gets a blowjob


I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound. He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".


How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic


A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start....


Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.


What’s the best thing about working in a communist country? You can chuck a sickle whenever you like.


What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?


I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.


People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake.


My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way.


A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."


What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie


I gifted pair of gloves to my kid with no hands as a Christmas gift as a joke That little fuck hasn't still opened the box.


I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.


If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do.


“It’s easy to stand in the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone”, Mahatma Gandhi “It’s easy to stand alone but it takes courage to stand in a crowd” , Covid-19


A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.


My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.


A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..


In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it "Monday"


Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.


What do you call a really big dildo? A weapon of ass destruction


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish.


I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?


A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:"Hey, man, leave some for us!""I can't, I inserted everything."


What do you call a a really good fisherman A master-baiter


Why did the pig cross the street? To clock in at the precinct


why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee


Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand I guess it was cod's plan.


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


I found a way to increase the number of steps on my Fitbit I wore it on the right hand


I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps. *wait...stupid autocorrect...**scents *porpoise *corpse


Spine surgeon to-do list: Get back to work.


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed.


What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel


The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.


What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole.


The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP


Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale


What do atoms and black lives have in common? They matter


Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.


I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time


Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted.


I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want... Guess who has gone fishing.


I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill


Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools


I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.


I may have Alzheimer’s disease ... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!


Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads. But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.


A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.


Dating life If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.


A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with What do only T-Rexes have?......T-Rex babies


Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first.


What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat.


I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver


To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.


Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras


You know those little numbers at the bottom of condoms? You never noticed them? Oh, I guess you don't roll yours down that far.


Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival? There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"


Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat.


TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.


I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."But the steaks were too high.


What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians


My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers. So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.


On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.


Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial


What do u call a knight who’s really sketchy? Sir Spishus


Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww


What did they circle say when he found out he wasn't actually a circle? "Yeah whatever, I'm Oval it"


What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts


What's the easiest way to get a fine? Ask a policeman how he's feeling


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!


My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air.


Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.


What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called "The Land Ho!"


Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast


Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck


Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans


A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.


What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust.


What karate move are pigs known for? Pork chop


A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle. As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"To which they responded "That's Michelle".


I was really surprised when I was born. So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half.


I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled.


US Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg died. Clearly now people will see the court as completely Ruth-less.


I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film. It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.


What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio


I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750. "If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"


I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480.


The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.


What do you call a girl who leaves the country? Abroad


What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables....


I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm?  I said lukewarm


Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.


What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise


I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.


Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.


The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations. All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors.


How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit? Periodically


If Hooters delivered their food... ...would that make them Knockers?


What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.


What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system


Rihanna just donated $5,000,000 to Coronavirus relief through her foundation. I wonder what her mascara’s going to do.


A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... "Excellent son, good job!" The dad says. "I'd rate this 47/46."


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. "Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs.


I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it. If I can only find an old enough joke book..


You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried.


So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn’t need to eat. I said why, he said Because he’s stuffed.


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?


The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..


Why won't any sea creatures date oysters? Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair. But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon


Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike. ... unfortunately the result was unbearable


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!


To all my Redditor friends observing the holy month of Ramadan... ...Lunch is on me.


Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher.


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.


What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**


I faced the wrong way on live television. Back to the studio.


I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world.


Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.


Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius.


Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks.


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin


Friend - What is you new year’s resolution? Me - 420 x 69


You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.


My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom.


What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed


inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused


What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


Someone asked me to sign their cast. So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."


A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?""A turtle" the man replied"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask"Oh, thats just Michelle"


“Man... I’ll never be as cool as a bicycle or a motorcycle...” He moped.


Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl


I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today. It was like a Brother to me.


How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?


Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: "Name?"  The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"  The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"  The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."


A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”


After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because black eyes matter.


What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y


Idk how to climb stairs Anyone have a step by step tutorial?


Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens." A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"


In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


A knight used to party hard He was called Sir Dancelot


I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower


Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving.


Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.


US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp... But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.


Is this fairground big wheel made of iron? Of course it is! It's a ferrous wheel


So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.


How do you kill the ender dragon You ender


Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.


A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence "The marbles fell out of my pocket."Vs"The marbles fell out of my colon."


After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling


What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space? Another Trump record.  No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.


Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”


Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4.


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


What do you call it when you play EDM in a forest? Tree-House


I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women... Still in the Garden of Eden.


What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush


I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes. Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days


On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens.


A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait


For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way


A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?""No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."


New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.


My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.


I was driving with my backdoor open. To close it, I accelerated at speedbumps. That way the door will close from the shock.  I got fired because the patient fell from the ambulance...


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.


"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny." *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*"I came straight home, of course!"*That's my good boy.*"Mom?"*Yes, my son?*"May I please have a penny?"


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


Yesterday i kidnapped a baby kangaroo. I got arrested in charge of pickpocket


What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant


Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!


A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four." "Oh, looks like one is still riding"


Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend? To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right. Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


I smashed a CD in half... Bits flew everywhere.


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman... "What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today""Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?""Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"


NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line. A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"


Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar


I asked my biology teacher how he makes his class so interesting He told me: Sex cells.


Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap


which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!


I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!


A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime.


Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir


A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes... "Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."


What do you call a knight who turned into an upvote-addict on Reddit? Sir Karmalot.


A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline.


How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print


Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs.


I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine


What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know


Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.


I’m tired of people calling me a rapper. It’s simply not true! I always ask for my lovers’ consent.


An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"


A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”


Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!


I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash.


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad. I had to take his bike away.


What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.


Why did the headless horseman start work earlier than everyone else? He wanted to get ahead.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked. I'm going to give you enough blood," Goddeclared, "to use only one of them at a time."


I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded... 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.


My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it.


At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck. I asked him if it tasted like quackers.


Do you know why the earth sucks? Gravity


Did you hear about the half-assed programmer? Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.


What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad? He Gru!Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting


My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me.


How to control population ? Google: Use a CondomBing: \*Cocks Gun\*


“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!” The colombians disagree.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.


It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will.


You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side.


Who let the ghosts out?! Boo, boo-boo-boo.


What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club? Tell everybody


I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.


Whoever coined the word "lisp" Was a real ath-hole.


I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster.""Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.He said, "No, you're just really ugly."


I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward.


A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros.


I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini.


If you die and get cremated, . . . you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.


I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock


"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches" Where?"1 o'clock"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!


A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out” A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”


A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.


What do you call a French man walking on the beach? Philippe Philoppe.


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich


Spooning leads to forking But if you fork the wrong dish, you could  get knifed.


Why did the pirate go to the bathroom? Because he had to yarrinate


My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson She left without a Tres


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.


What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter.


How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.


A baseball came through my window today It really hit home


What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo


"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear."Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."


I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss. Too bad it was only a fanta sea.


A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ... So, he decided not to brisket.


What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**


Never use phrases from another language unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*


So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten


I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero. He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism


A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."


Did you hear about the crab that could paint? There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintingsHis name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.


How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


What do you call a nearsighted cowboy? Squint Eastwood.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!


A suicide bomb instructor is training a class. Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!


Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean.


A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?"  "No," says the cop.  "What about all these other cars?"  "They didn't ask!"


Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence.


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players? They do it for the Experience.


If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


I have a problem with authority Nobody does what I tell them


Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions


What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful = Against the lawIllegal = A sick bird


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


What do you call a really old OBGYN? A Gynosaur


My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever.


Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"


A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find. "Excuse me miss,  I can't find my wife.  Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".


The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working. It doesn't make any cents!


What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!


Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes


The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."


What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)


My 7 year old niece didn't realize she made a joke while playing Star Wars with me. Me (Darth Vader): What have you done with those plans?!?    Her (Leia): It's over there in that little box.     Me: How can a disc fit in that little box?    Her: It was a floppy disc.


2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May.


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.


A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says.. "If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross Crop yield


I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”


What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!


What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice.


Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong? Cause they live in Da Nile


I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.


My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty I don’t understand He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face


My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old


A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."


I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because... it didn't make scents.


My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks


I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!


What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)


What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.


My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me.


For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?


I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.


Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.


Dad: What's this vegetable called? Kid: An artichoke. Dad: Well, it may have choked Artie, but it won't choke Dad!


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


Why don't restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It's pasta bedtime.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal


I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."


What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)


What do you call a pile of cats?  A Meowtain.


Actor: to be or not to be? ######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...sounds like more than two


A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned.


Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble. Disneyland sucks.


I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow


I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one


If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.


TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it. JOHN: HERTEACHER: Ok, your sentence?  JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers. TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next? DAVE: HIMTEACHER: Your Sentence?DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.