What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.


My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer.


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property. It was a real ass hole.


A stray kitten showed up at my door. I was like " you got to be kitten me.


Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said"Let's put a simile on that face!"


On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.


I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule.


A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”


Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors? They normally perform non-speaking rolls


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs? It’s about thyme!


My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation. I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“


What kind of television is gay? An LG TV


I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star.


Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi...


I needed to buy a new toothbrush but they were all out of Reach


I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top. My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"


Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats.


I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.


Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.


What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger


Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.


What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased


There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle


I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.


What's a sheep's favourite musical instrument ? A Ewekulele


What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers? Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.


A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."  And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."


My dad always used to tell me "there's never a wrong time to speak your mind" Admirable man.Terrible mime.


Flowers On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”


If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces. Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?


Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!


I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum". Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.


Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!


“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash as he walked out of the STI clinic


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again.


As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy


An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth. When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist.


What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM.


In Colombia, kids have built a snowman. The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million.


What kind of television is gay? An LG TV


The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I don't suffer from insanity-I enjoy every minute of it.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!


What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off? Net fix and chill


Zimbabwe's currency is so devalued... That rapper "50 cent" is known as "40 billion dollar"


What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!


How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view


During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."


Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are? “Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”


What do you call a wolf that is woke? Awarewolf            (credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


I'm tired of seeing Frozen merchandise everywhere... Why can't everyone just let it go?


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match? A: He yelled "Food fight!"


What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow


Why did a boulder call the complaints office at Hollywood? Because Dwayne Johnson took its place.


What do you call a disabled gang member? A crip


A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings


What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered? Little miss Steak.


Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent. His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.


So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost. But i saw right through him.


A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket


The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos. Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!


A man with a drum came to my door I told him to beat it


I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument.


What’s better than a talking dog? A spelling beeWhat’s better than a spelling bee? A navy seal


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters


What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south? a bi-polar bear.


I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material. >!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<


A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence "The marbles fell out of my pocket."Vs"The marbles fell out of my colon."


A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman Man:  “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”


What do you call an angry rabbit in the desert? A hot cross bun.


What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius? Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!


What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer.


What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.


What’s 30 metres long and has no hair? A conga line at a cancer clinic


This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!


What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t.


Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,


Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump.


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons.


How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away


Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager.


I’m stuck on the toilet. Call the Squat Team.


I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for "pamphlet." "Ya bro sure!"


If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!


What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


A genie asked, "What's your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich." And the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich."


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." "Oh yeah?" the son retorts. "Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL


My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.


[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time? Accused: No I didn’t, your honour. Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.


Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort.


Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer


What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.


My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant.


A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh? Vegetables


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms.


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.


Got in trouble with wife last night.... I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova. She said "Because I am so hot?"I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."


What did the flower say when asked why he was having trouble tying his shoes? Sometimes I forget me nots.


Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..." "You'll need to have utensils taken out."


It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard


I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk


So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house.


I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.


Never ask Jeffery Dahmer for lettuce He doesn't have any loose leafBut he always has a head in the fridge


Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.


There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past.


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free


My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown.


What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places.


Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying...


Losing game pieces sucks... Especially when it's hide and seek...I'll never forget you, Brian..


All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose? Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.


What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center? The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.


Why was the FBI argent happy after he visited a glory hole? Because he received an anonymous tip.


Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise.


Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest. From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.


What do you do to save a lamb that's having a heart attack! Give it Sheep P R(Say it out loud....)


How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.


Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?


King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.


My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag


Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: "Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"


BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive


I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually. So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this.


Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M Factory? She threw away all the w's.


Two miners walk out of the mine after a hard days work, one carrying a shovel and the other a stick. The one carrying the shovel turns and asks, "Where's your shovel?" And the other responds, "sure does".


My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock.


What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME.


What are the lungs favorite food? R-alveoli


My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea


What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer? Journalism!


I can't believe its pancake day again already.. It's really créped up on me!


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? There are more geese on that side.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis? Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.


What reward does a light rain get? A precipitation trophy


Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary. Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates. He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".


A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"


My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, "what an amazing car"... And he replied, "yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year".


My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It


Dyslexic walks into a bar Gets slapped and called a pervert.


What did the fisherman tell his amorous wife? Not tonight, honey, I've got a haddock.


Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny


A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!


I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it


My brother has the hands of a surgeon... And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm.


What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro? .rar


What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.


I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird


What do you call it when a snowman ejaculates? Ice Cream


What did the earth say to other planets? Get a life.


I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet I said, "you can't be serious"He said, "I shit, you knot"


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.


Whats a football fans favorite flavour of icecream? Aston vanilla


What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.


A guy sees his mother in law riding a bicycle. "Where are you going?" he asks. "To the cemetery" she replies."And who is going to return the bike?"


A lady golfer was stung by a bee. So she went back to the clubhouse, and met with the club manager. The manager asked her "Where did you get stung?" The lady replied "Oh, between the first and second holes." The manager then said, "Well, obviously, your stance is too wide."


I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.


A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings.


I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama.


French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease.


What do you call a white hat hacker from Pennsylvania? A penn tester


I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.


When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer." "Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?""No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."


Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?" Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"


[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range? With the school bus


A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar... Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar.The bartender immediately gets them all a drink.Drake asks the bartender why he didn’t ask for their ID.The bartender says, “age is just a number around here.”


Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.


What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.


I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food. Turned out it was the anty pasto.


Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!


Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.


Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at.


What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup.


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We don't want your type here. Beef jerky.


How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.


My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but... I know it ain’t sheep.


What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places.


Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future


What do you call it when you sleep with a Slavic storm god? Taking a rain-czech


Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats.


What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean


Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest?? He didn't wanna miss a sting


Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!


I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower


Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?” The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”


Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face.  After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says "use the forks luke".


The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel... The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnelThe realist sees a light approaching into the tunnelThe train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railwayEDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!


Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)


A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference. Needless to say he killed.


Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway. It was the collision of the sentry.


What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell


I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong.


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb? Closed, question seems like off-topic


The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team.


Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week


I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains


You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?


Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored


Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.


(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said: ‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’


Somebody asked if I like potato skins. It was a loaded question!


I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.


When I'm in new relationship my stomach hurts Not from butterflies or anything...From holding farts in.


Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager.


What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.


Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.


Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper.... Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat.


My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."


I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead.


Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9.


A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.


I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me.


What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas


I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink.


Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?


Why can’t you beat the Mandalorian in a race? Because he has the beskar


My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most.


What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu? A gastrophysicist


A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that...


Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!


A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!


The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened. Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer


A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


Why there is high unemployment in banking sector? Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking.


Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.


I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks


Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? Because that was its Thor axe.


What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing.


Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears.


With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships' It's on paperview


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.


what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket


"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again... "Life finds a whey."


You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks...


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.