To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets


Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal! Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?Paul: It is half past 9.


Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.


What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.


How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer


NSFW My buddy asked me if I ever had a girl lose a tooth while giving me head? Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count


I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.


What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve? He got 12 months!


if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K.


Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo? Because he's on the Nautilus


Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.


Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4


Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget.


Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.


What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.


A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!" Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"


Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.


Today I got asked out by 6 girls I was in the girls' bathroom


As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon.


Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat.


I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship.


What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand? Cuatro sink-o.


Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.


Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.


I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless. But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.


My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”


A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"


I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health I should sit on a chair.


How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.


I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday.


What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? Necktarines


I like making self-deprecating jokes. You should know, they are not that great.


Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.


My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.


Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics.


Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer ...her autopsy results revealed.


Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.


Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible.


The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says, "I don't care, just give me something hoppy."


Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages? Because it was the time of knights.


What happens when you play a Country music record in reverse? Your dog ressurects, your wife goes back home, you get your job back and Donald Trump finally leaves office.


Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.


Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year.


What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.


What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.


It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover


What do you call a solar powered keyboard? A photosynthesiser


Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.


We should just name hurricanes after politicians. That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.


Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach " Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes" Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".


Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.


Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer


It was my pet dragon's birthday today We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.


Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said "I'm sleeping with your sister."


Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.


What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine.


I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster


A farm was bombed and only one cow survived. All the udders died.


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.


I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family Now I have strong passwords for life


A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"


In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke


Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine! Only 13 kg to go now


Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life


I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine.


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone.


What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis


My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing.


What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation


What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.


Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.


Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people. I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.


We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)


If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.


On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.


Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”


What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.


I made a grave mistake asking a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently, the correct term is "cremation" and "burial".


Trains never get angry... ..cuz they're always blowing off steam!


Whats white, can create people, and is everywhere after a long night? Snow


A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!" "Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."


Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable.


Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.


Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident? Now he's allright, allright, allright.


How big is a paedophile's closet? It's pretty spacey


Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget? I saw him digging through is feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business.


I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.


Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]


Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)


I didn’t know I had to actually put my electric toothbrush in my mouth!?! I thought it was Bluetooth.


The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!


I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs. They’re always taking things literally.


The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”


What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!


The shovel was such a great invention. It was truly groundbreaking.


Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized.


I've got the attention span of a mosquito. It sucks.


Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corners.


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again


Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf. The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.


My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though.


How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting.


Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money


I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.


I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters


Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe... the food was good but the bill was enormous!


I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.


Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!


I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."But the steaks were too high.


What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad.


Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry.


A very excited 5 year old shared this joke with me in class today "Wha- what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? a dinoSNORE !!!"  it made my day <3


Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass? Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes


Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible.


Two drunk men walk on a railway The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.


What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.


What has more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him.


A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.


What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake? A motor goat


When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.


Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.


I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation but it was a blast!


I have some wire frames and a curved lens. Is that anything to make a spectacle of?


Guy walk into a bar and says "Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job." The bartender says, "Hell let me buy you one too!"The guy, "Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will."


How do crabs move from one person to the next? They use pubic transport


Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."


What do you call a mockery of a Jewish goat mans dinner? A Satire Satyr Seder


Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange. The novel navel.


Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory. The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.


Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made... ...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."


I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door. I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.


My girlfriend said she’s not a fan of Pan-Asian cooking I thought it was called a Wok


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner? It was a master bait & switch.


A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!


All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick... He was poorly executed.


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


What is the average temperature in China? 451° F


50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"


Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.


Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.


What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!


What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese


I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.


I think I was hacked by russia Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate.


I went to McDonald’s and asked if they had any deals. The lady said, “We have the Travis Scott special, it comes with fries and a drink.” I asked, “does it include a burger or is it just the rapper?”


The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.


I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw He said that made him a tad Pole


Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.


A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”


Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination


When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose


You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky.


What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo


What happens when there are really bad sand storms on Naboo? Jar Jar blinks


Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid.


You might be a redneck.... ....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.


Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven? Because of all the violins.


What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs.


Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages.


My toy helicopters are really popular They’re flying off the shelves


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.


Did you hear about the mathemitician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them


Friend: Dude,i am in pain. I just got my ear operation done and had to get a new one. Me: HAPPY NEW EAR.(I am giving you permission to kill me for this *joke*)


"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?" "No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.""Why the two dogs?" "See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"


They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.


How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was.


Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise.


If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents... I'd have 60% gross margins.


Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus.


Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature? Person 2: OKPerson 1: well?Person 2: OKPerson 1: ... are you going to guess?Person 2: OK!Person 1: Are you okay?Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C


The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.


Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.


Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked **0000 0001 0002 0003 0004**  …


I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store. It just made so much scents to me.


What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup.


How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter.


Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents.


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people... I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.


My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers. She told me I spoil the dogs too much.


Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer


I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents


What is Alabama's population size? Family size.


The only problem with a grill that's low to the ground. The steaks couldn't be higher?


How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight? You parry the platypus


My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!


We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough.


What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!


How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest? He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry.


I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window.


Rock climbing You’re either on belay,Or you Be Laying on the ground (Thought of this while rock climbing today)


What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.


What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files? Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.


How does a mummy swallow food? Through their sarcophagus.


COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


Dick is like hair ties You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!


A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.


What do you call a motorcycle club comprised entirely of bisexual monarchs from Scandinavia? The Bikings.


Three nuns Three nuns were talking one day in their room. the first nun said "did you see the rubber in Father Oharras dresser drawer?" the second nun said "yeah, i punched holes in it". the third nun fainted.


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake


What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener


Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."


What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni


My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.


I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric and cable company."


What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has so many stories.


I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime.


My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated... Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant.


This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production.


2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”


Two farmers are arguing over their produce. Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"A third farmer a bit aways walks inFarmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"


Airport Security yelled at me today Said I was in plane sight


What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white


Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.


Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man. OK, Boomhauer


Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."


I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know.


A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.


Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis.


Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections.


I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”


My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”


It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.


Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish


If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?


I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce.


I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening. “How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed,  “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.


How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader? They hold an *electron*.


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


Customary tipping rules For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill. For valet drivers, a fiver.For singers, a tenor.


After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner


What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online? Send nodes.


If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.


The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.


Talking to my X: Hey, what's up? Talking to my Y:?pus'tahw,yeH


How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk.


Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard


What did the snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted snow flakes.My 4.5 y/o son came up with this joke, but his punch line was "snow flakes". I added the "frosted". Teamwork.


Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad... I think it needs addressing


My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary.


What did fisherman say at his retirement ceremony? "It's been reel"


All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo


Why was red in awe of orange? Because orange blue green.


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale


A man’s last meal So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”“Strawberries”he responds. “But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring”“Eh. I’ll wait”


When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer." "Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?""No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."


Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night.


I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?" She responded "That's because it's an Evian"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!


What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel? Nutflix. From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.


As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: "This really takes me back".


What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!


Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay.


Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea


Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said: “That was a great match!”  “Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.  “Yes! I wish you had seen it!”


I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.


I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing


I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold.


I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, "What the hell is this?" I replied "Net flicks and chill."


A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says "it looks like a connection issue".........He asks "is it my technique?"The doctor responds "no, you have a twisted pair"


"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.." ".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."


CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading... You could say he had certain Intel about the situation. This could turn into a total Meltdown.


The hospital asked me if I would be OK giving them a stool sample... I told them I don’t give a shit


If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights... One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!" The other says, "Why's that?" The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."


I don't care how great owls are I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.


What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News


What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know.


I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.


After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success


The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+


The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.


What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning? Nutmeg.


Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.


A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.


What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole.


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate. That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.


Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."


A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."


Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."


What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


I want to die like my pilot father, peacefully sleeping Unlike the rest of the passengers on the plane, screaming.


What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'


A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??""It is not mink, it's polyester!""Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"


My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere.


I used to live in Turkey, China, and Morocco, but I left ... there were too many red flags.


I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering


With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.


What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone.


Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike. For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.


TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.


HELP!! Squirrels are chasing me! They think I’m nuts!


I have some fine parking skills. I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.


A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.


Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say: OK, Earth Wind & Fire...WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can’t jump


I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP.


The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.


What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months.


I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.


I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words." And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."


My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese.


What do you call a playwright with Parkinson's disease and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer.


All good teams require good communication... So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated... Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant.


They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!


I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!


2 nuns were flashed by a pervert in the park today and one of them had a stroke... ...the other couldn't reach


I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia She just wasn’t very into-resting


I once made an error in little league, When I signed up to play.


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby! Mr. Goat : You're kidding.


Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong? They're always in de Nile.


Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene. Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.


If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock


I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.


I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!


My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.


Robert Kraft - 7 rings. Robert Kraft:- 2001 Super Bowl Ring- 2003 Super Bowl Ring- 2004 Super Bowl Ring- 2014 Super Bowl Ring- 2016 Super Bowl Ring- 2018 Super Bowl Ring- 2019 Prostitution Ring


How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black.


Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer


a man has been stealing tires from the cops I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him.


A fork and a knife's conversation Knife: forks are basically  useless.Fork: why? What will people eat with?Knife:with their hands.Fork: you've got a point


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear


Just lent this girl an umbrella That officially makes the amount of girls I've made wet in my life -1


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic? Because baggers can’t be choosers.


What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction


I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)


At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)


The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!


What should we do with flat earthers? Just push them off the edge!


Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me! I answered: You won't...


Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.


A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say? "Gimme your marbles!"


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms.


To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart... You're welcome


An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs. His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.Father: You're grounded.


In unison, the cannibals end their prayer for over population with a single word Rawmen


NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'


What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized


I asked my wife to get us some nice stools. But the ones she picked up were shit.


What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses


A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.


My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut.


Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”


What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket? Udder chaos


Mosquitoes are like family... They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.


Have you heard of the band MB? They haven't got a gig yet.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything.


A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."


A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."


How i learned to mind my own business One day I was walking on the sidewalk next to a mental hospital and heard 13...13...13...So I decided to peek through a hole in the wall and immediately got poked In the eye and heard 14...14...14...


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... "Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail."  The other asks "how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.""Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"


Customer to half deaf hooker: "How much for another romp?" Half deaf hooker: "Come again?" Customer: "Yes."


I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!


What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon...


You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen


If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you.


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.