I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.


The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.


My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay He said the situation was precarious.


I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time.


Garden shears will never be outdated. After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.


I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.


Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


2020 has been brutal this year Now it's just Ruthless


I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons". I guess it was the honey dew list.


Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab. Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH


Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!


An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”


What do you call a farmer without a tractor? fuck the joke let’s help him find it.


Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.


I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.


which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!


A Mortal Kombat character walks into a store.. Employee: "Finding everything okay, sir?"Character: "Yes, I'm just Lui Kang."


I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like... but that Pan really gets my goat.


I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.


What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe


A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”


Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.


A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!


My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain.


Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos? Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!


What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions.


This is the Alaska State Police. Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?


A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?",,Yeah, I was.",,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?",,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me."


When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant. That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.


A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg


The difference between men and women What's the biggest difference between men and women?What they mean when saying "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film"


I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!


Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.


Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)


What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ? "I still love Vista, baby".


What do you call a fast food company that also manufactures airliners? McDonald's Douglas


Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight


My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection. She said I have too many issues.


What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle


What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug


What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity


What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.


A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


How does a scarecrow drink his juice? With a straw!


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? They aren't weak-days.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox


A fisherman was kicked out of his band. They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.


What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon...


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it? Oxygen


If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?


What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana


Never go to bars run by male giraffes. They only serve highballs.


What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*.


Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.


People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, "I have no egrets."


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old.


Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order. But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "


My pet pig loves soccer. Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.


TIL Giraffe penises are 40in. long Which explains their long necks


In USA being -on the lamb- means: :Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.  In Wales it means...well, something else.


Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!


French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!


I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”


A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose. I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang


Sent to Jail. After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...


I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”


A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May. She spots some berries and asks what they are.„That's blueberries“, he says.„But they're red, grampa!“„That's because they're still green“


An engineering student rides up to his fellow engineering student on a bicycle His buddy asks him "Where did you get the bicycle?""Crazy story! A beautiful blonde rode up to me in this bike, got off, stripped off all her clothes, and told me "take what you want!"""Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyways..."


What do you call a dinosaur sliding down broke back mountain? A Megasaurus.


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


They say “when pigs fly” means impossible But how come we have swine flu?


When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said, "Well have you tried euthanasia?"In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!


I just caught a gorilla spying on me. I said “there is no need to pry mate”


A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state. So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.


What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again


You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches


Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."


I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me "Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!"


Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.


I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"


A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.


250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.


Why did the yellow dragon keep slipping? Banana for scale.


What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!


To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them. Fuck lute boxes.


What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!


What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King? You take a royal flush.


One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!


Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”


What's a James Cagney love scene? When he lets the other guy live.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!


How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?


Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.


Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.


At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love. I went home and found out I was adopted.


I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.


What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea


What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass.


My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... "STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"


I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre


A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah. But today is the last day...”


How do you get two flutes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them. How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.


Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them They're mostly old and white.


Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint


I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.


Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert. An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”


I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading.


What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor? Yamahahaha


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull.


My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents


Knock knock Who's there?AshAsh who?Bless you.


Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.


Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission."Name ?", said Jesus."Joseph.""Occupation?""Carpenter."Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?""Yes.""Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?""Yes!"... read more


What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod


What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday).


What do you call an Egyptian doctor? Cairo-practor.


I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell.


A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.  On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...


How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide Step 1: Step 1Step 2: Step 2Step 3: Step 3Step 4: Step 4Step 5: Step 5


Ever hear about the million-dollar plan to convert the top floor of The Shard into a restaurant? Man, the steaks were high on that one.


I hate loan sharks. Much better to just buy them outright.


What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon.


I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.


Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up


Why did the redneck want to become a paleontologist? He heard they deal with relative dating!


So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~


Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.


Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes


Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside


I want to open a perfume store... I'd call it: "Common Scents."


Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.


Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich? 2 chicks together isn't really their thing.


Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion. You're a blizzard Dairy.


Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.


Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map That was just downright rude!


My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later. "This parrot hasn't spoke a single word." She complained."I haven't had a fucking chance to!" Replied the parrot.


I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.


A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers.


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo.


What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump had connections with Russia.


The creator of sexual innuendos just passed away His wife is taking it really hard


Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.


I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home.


I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory. But I just didn't fit in.


The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane. The steaks have never been higher.


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


My waiter asked me how I like my steak So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.So the waiter said rare it is


I have a joke about biology but you have to dissect it well to understand it.


What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer? A shhhhh-kabob


It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"


Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil


What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing? Casual T's.


This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic. Usually it's because I just can't afford it.


What do you call a Redditor who only posts to r/Jokes on their cake day? An original content creator.


Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high.....


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate. That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.


So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?


There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.


Are you on the Mediterranean Diet? Because I see a lot turkey and grease.


First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards. After we build up a tolerance, I can’t wait to try what Reddit scientists are cooking up as the next praise drug.


A dad was washing his car with his son. After a while, the son finally asked "Can't you just use the sponge?"


Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!" "What's the bad news Doc?""Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"


My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. "Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.


I heard about a new genre of book that gives tips on how to please a woman. However, I couldn't find the cliterature.


What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds? Giraffe Sick Park


A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”


I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft


What do you call a goat that works at a bakery? A battering ram


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building? She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit.


Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player? They both go three periods before taking a shower.\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.


I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.


A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


My dad helped me fix my computer today He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out. Still don’t get it tho.


I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.


Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]


What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)


After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"I said, "That's the point."


If you keep following your dreams... They’re going to file a restraining order.


Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass.


Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".


I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? "Hey there bud!"


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons.


I hate when people pet baby goats You’re literally touching kids, perverts!


John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!


My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.


A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.


Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.


What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation.


2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum


How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy


What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish


Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more


The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!" "You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"


A fisherman decided to become a playwriter His first play had strong lines and good casting. It was a reel hit


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?” The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?”  “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”


I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "


Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..


Why did the blacksmith get fired.... He smelt like shit, and made a forgery.


Why did the cucumber cross the street? Because it was green.


Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.


Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.


2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral.


Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget. You get two for the price of one.


You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand.. but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, "whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?" The pirate just says, "yaarrg its drivin' me nuts"


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl


When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.


In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal


What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.


You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...? So they can see the old Iran navy.


LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on ....Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.


Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite.


My blow up doll is ugly as sin But she always manages to take my breath away


I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk. The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”


After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it


A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now.


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


I was thinking of making puns about grain... But most people can *barley* stand it.Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry


2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus.


How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)


Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front.


Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house


Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax


Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My printer's name is Bob Marley. Because it's always jammin'.


"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


Why do pancakes always score a bunch of runs in baseball? They have the best batter.


Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.


Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede.


If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless


Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering.


What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes? Oh how waffle!


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


What do you call an instigated collection of instruments? An inclination of 1080p music


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now


I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up... I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.


I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining It's really irrigating...


Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar Rene Descarte walks into a bar.The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.Descarte responded with “I think not”Descarte  disappearsEdited: fixed name


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was She said ''Fuck you''so i'm pretty excited for 2022


Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind...it's tearable


What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much? They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)


How to you piss off a writer? The list off ways is to long too fit hear.


An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.


What is Ravioli's favourite party game? Pasta parcel


A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit.


What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son? 160 beats per minute