The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure,  but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.


The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.


What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter.


The Horny Crab Two men are talking:"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps."what do you mean" asks the other one."I can't get out of Michelle".


Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party. That showed a lot of balls.


Uh Oh! Look at the forecast! It's an Irmagency!


Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"


BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance


One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten. "Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"


The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours After all, it's made from scratch.


Dad: I know of a perfect way to rob a bank. Son: What is it?Dad: It’s a place where people keep their money.


Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.” Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”


An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome, Instead the poor guy got ozoned.


My friend said to me "what rimes with orange?" And I said "No it doesn't.".


Four people, each of them being from different professions define a kiss. Mathematician: 2 divided by nothing.Physicist: Expansion of the heart and contraction of the lips.Marketing specialist: A thing which is profitable when returned back.Economist: A thing which is high in demand but low in supply.


What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew.


If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even.


When I was young everybody believed in me The doctor saw in me a potential physician The teacher saw in me a potential professor The chef saw in me a potential cook The priest saw in me a potential partner


A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray


Why do artists hate working in really cold environments? Because all they get is exposure.


Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke? It was no laughing matter...


When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan


My girlfriend says I have a tendency to be overly taboo. Well I say girlfriend...She's actually my sister.


Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today


A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"


I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. "Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.


An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."


Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.” The bank really needs to get their life together.


A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:"Honey! We're out of bread!"The wife came into the room with a new loaf."Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."


My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."


Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”.


You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet


The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys.


I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter... I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus. I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.


"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend." He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.


I got vaccinated today It was one of those drive thru deals where you don’t leave your car. Right before the nurse injects me she says “little prick”. So I called her a fat bitch and drove off. What’s wrong with people these days?


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant? Because they did it rawr.


There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains there were too many cougars


My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job.


Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work.


How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin.


If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!


Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear? He wore a hole in that fig leaf.


Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise.


I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra I was going to call it "Dick starter"


(True story) Richard Branson was once asked what is the quickest way to become a millionaire He answered, 'to be a billionaire and start your own airline'


Dismemberment isn't humorous unless you lose an arm


A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”


Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run


Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity


As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.


My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.


What does George W Bush call his kitty cats? Weapons of mice destruction


I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.


My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either.


What did the pig say to the spanish butcher? Porque


why is japans population so old? the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well


I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)


My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said. I think he's in for a shock.


What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”


What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year. It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.


Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother." Wife:  "Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'"


A farmer walks into his house holding a goose in his arms He approaches his wife and says “Well this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” His wife stares at him, mouth agape, and says “Excuse me?! That’s a goose!” The farmer replies “I know. I wasn’t talking to you.”


As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?


How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?


Guess who’s getting some head tonight My pillow


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


A wife calls her husband. "The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.""Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?""What happened last time?""He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"


Wife: can you pick up milk? Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easyWife: I mean from the store Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there! The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!


A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event. It's becoming a really popular wave function.


Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.


My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.


What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast


I took a picture of Hurricane Dorian but it came out Grey.


What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet


A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


If you die and get cremated, . . . you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.


Is it hard to spot a leopard? No.  They come that way.  \- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.


You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”


I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."


I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'


An emo became a perfect film editor he made very accurate cuts


A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period. It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".


A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man stammered, "Yes."Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"


I play battlefield and I switch teams a lot. Yesterday I found out why I’m part Italian


Girls be sweating their makeup off at work Call that a 9 to 5


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool." Johnny: "So, what are the words?"


Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy.


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning? Nutmeg.


What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet


I hosted a huge event for gingers last week Sadly not a single soul showed up.


Santa most definitely passed No Nut November He only comes in December.


“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop? Benandgerie.


Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.


Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard.


What was Iran called before it was formed in 1979? Running.


A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”


I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink


Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her."Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?""Get out of here. I'm pooping!"


Dyslexic walks into a bar Gets slapped and called a pervert.


What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle.


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!


How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A.


You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first. It would be a disk race.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions? Because it was ground breaking.


I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.


How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne.


A musician walks in to a music store. "I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says."*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies "You'll do fine."


You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas.


How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq Iran!


Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.


Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I ate a huge can of alphabet soup for dinner last night This morning I had the biggest vowel movement of my life


Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)


What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?


Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button


My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.


A politician, a farmer, and a doctor walk into a bar. They all exclaim, "Ouch! Who put a bar here?"


Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.


I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir.


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: "Dude, i think we're being followed."


A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”


Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.


My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite. I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant.


What's the only class in high school with makeup exams? Cosmetology.


I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"


What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole? Analigator!


Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.


What did the donut say to the loaf of bread? If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back


What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.


What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Stop looking for the perfect match - use a lighter.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I have a magician joke. Magicians are known to be excellent at hiding things. Then afterwards, they make it reappear somewhere else. The best example of this is the good ol coin trick.


I can prove the Earth is flat But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts


Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity.


What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon.


What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Pasta la vista, baby!


I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”


If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir.


Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies.


I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.


A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!


Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires Imagine my shock when I got grounded!


Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one.


My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020.


Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid


What happens when a frog parks illegally? They get toad


As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? With the help of a hose eh.


The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.


What's the difference between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? The New York Giants fans will admit their team sucks.


A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks "What's so funny?""Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.""Care to share?""Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it".


How do cows say “I love you”? With a s-mooooo-ch!


My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule. I was like, "HUH?"


My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..." "Look at what kids your age make in China!"


Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.


I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.


I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period


What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.


What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza? That Crust taste, Son!


I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again.


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise!It was an Apple, but with limited memory.Just one byte, and everything crashed.


What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one.


A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.


The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he *neverlands*


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


I used to date a half-Asian. Her mom was Chinese and her dad was Japanese A shark ate her bottom half.


Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )


I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre


I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short...... Don't ever date a leg


This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey... When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."


So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost. But i saw right through him.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.


Why is it difficult for orphans to play baseball? Because it's hard to find home


Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.


Went to the corner shop - bought four corners


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!


What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike.


What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat My-grain


I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse


My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.


Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick. This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.


Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.


Did you know air is a highly addictive slow acting poison? 100% of all people who breathe air have died, and if you try to stop breathing the poison you will die within minutes because of how addicted to air you are.


A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"


*Dad walks into strip club* Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”


[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time? Accused: No I didn’t, your honour. Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.


What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape? A Rectangle


An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?"


What is the most calming scent? Chloroform


Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body." "Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads


The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish.


A detective story 11:45 - arrived at crime scene11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain11:45 - Realised watch was broken


What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)


What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que


I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs. She said, "Try Sarah Topps."


I went on a date with an anorexic girl She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'I said, 'I doubt it'


I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."Rodney Dangerfield


I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen... ... and then it hit me.


Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked


The only problem with a grill that's low to the ground. The steaks couldn't be higher?


The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg


Why did I get kicked out All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after


Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.


How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart? You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!


The difference between men and women What's the biggest difference between men and women?What they mean when saying "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film"


Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.


When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”


President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.


What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’


Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)


How do you reward a chicken journalist? With a poulette surprise!


what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)


PC Fan Noises So I just asked me computer guy why my computer fan makes so much noise when my computer is just starting up. He said not to worry, the fan's just taking a second to get it's bearings.


To all those people that say "age is just a number"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word.


A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab, and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."


Where does a dyslexic kangaroo go when he's sick The Hopsital


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water? Stew


What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome


A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.


Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her.


Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored


What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.


Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.


Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems


Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell.


I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.


Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds I know it's only three words, but it's a start.


I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any.


A musician walks in to a music store. "I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says."*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies "You'll do fine."


I recently went to a coin factory... I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.


Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!


How do they access the internet in Israel? Net and Yahoo.


A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF...


Did you know Santa has only two reindeer? Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.


Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor.


What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass.


A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.


The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}"Yellow?""May I speak to Mr. Brown?""Please white while I transfer you."{pink}


A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head


Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.


(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?" The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"


My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!


You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery


I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them.


What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.


What do you call a celebration for bubble tea at Comic Con? Boba Fete.


A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”


If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.


Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.


I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.


The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property Apparently, government officials don’t apply


A Korean couple. A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”


What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events.


A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell.


What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.


I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!


How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.


What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.


What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!


My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs


A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins? Because half of them are coppers.


Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.


Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...


So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.


What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. "Which ear is it?" he asked. "2018," I replied.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'