My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.


Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator? Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.


You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.


A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise... It sounded like someone was using a eraser.  He walks towards a grave and it gets louder.  So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!"  Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"


Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets


I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass.


Husband asked his wife: Honey,what do you do after we have fight?The wife replied: I go clean the toiletHusband was all confused and asks her: But why?She says: Because I do it with your toothbrush


How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million.


TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks. They wanted to be sea dated.


NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water? I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


Good friends are like fine wine That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.


Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry.


Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.


What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ...


Why does the cop's wife not allow him to turn the tv off? Because he shoots at it every time the screen turns black.


I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.


You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer. She was killed... by a giant crab.


We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone. Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.


How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones.


Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare.


My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!


We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.


Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all.


A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)


I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution.


When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short, But it's really growing on me.


When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake.


What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo


People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died.


Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.


What state is always surprised to see you? Ohio


My wife gives me head every Monday. She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.


So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...


What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello


Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says... I will grind you and I will grill you.


People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn.


13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”. 2020: “lol”.


pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!


What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal


What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger? One can survive the Winter.


After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...


What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march.


Alexa, where's my dad? Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.


I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar. "Do you want me to show you a good time?" she asked."Of course, babe," I grinned eagerly."Get your stopwatch out then," she snapped, "and see how long it takes me to get to the other side of the club."


How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass.


My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.


I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation. You might say I’m generous to a fault.


My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time.


How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint


Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?


When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.


There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.


I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction.


We all know Marines eat crayons, but what's their favorite flavor of crayon? Crayonberry.


I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead.


NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'


A witch was going through her recent order of newts... ... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”


A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."


At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?  Crowd: YESSSSSS  Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!


If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms


What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails? Es Cargo.


Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old. All tucked away nicely in my freezer!


If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve... ....that would be a reservation reservation reservation -credit to Brian Regan


Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ...


First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.


It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”. Three, to be exact.


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago. Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.


Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere.


Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.


Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded


What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban


What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).


I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!


I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.


An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... "Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."


Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.


Did you see the show about metal fasteners? It was riveting.


I asked out my crush in school today Now I gotta look for a new job


So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently.


3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down.


My asian aunt's quiet daughter is called Nosai Hai.I think thats a great shy niece name.


What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out


A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!


What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower? A Baguetti


I'll never forget on the last day of vacation when the front desk dialed our room. That was a real wake-up call.


My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day.


3 knights walk into a bar with their swords. The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”The knights say, “in case of mimics.”The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.


- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…


What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis


My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*


I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.


I used to live with a closet-gay roommate. Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away.


It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."


Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"? She probably gets royalties


I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us.


My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory. He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.


What's the name of the most popular French knight? Sir Ender.


How's y'all's summer bods looking? Mines looking like I have a great personality.


Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."Darth Vader  shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."


My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons!


You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'? Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America


A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?""I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds."I don't understand.""Oh, I just came in my pants."


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


I heard the Mint stopped making coins... It just doesn’t make cents


My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry they're calling it "Prose and Cons"


If Bob’s my nickname.. Then Robert’s my Nicholasname


I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.


Why wife woke me this morning and said I'm half the size of Chris Evans. I think she's confused, because I'm definitely not 3 feet tall.


I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger


Why did the Queen go to the dentist? to protect her crown.


Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick... ...had to switch to Def Leopard


What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...


There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles.


My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles I told him they wouldn't make any scents


I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks.


What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl


I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath.


I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss


Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period. Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner?  Me: What are my choices?  Her: “Yes” or “No”.


Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies


I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty. Well, that and my penis.


(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it.


If one's a person, two's a couple, and three's a crowd, what's four and five? Nine.


Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that... Then IT hit me.


What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.


Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? Because that was its Thor axe.


My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.


My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound


My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore.


Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.


How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.


I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures! I’m getting a woody.....


Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult


I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.


How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back.


LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane.


Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...


Oi what do you reckon is a Nazis favorite shark? The Great White, mate.


I'm a bipolar Star Trek fan. I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.


My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."


My uncle is like a good love story Very touching


How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them? A manyeeter


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


I hate being locked inside a microwave It really makes my blood boil


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off? Not waking up to pee.


I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.


What do you call an NCO in the Space Force? A stargeant


My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself.


What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need


What sort of mint do anarchists hate? Governmint


Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper.


Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.


What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff.


Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state. Denial.


I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.


Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins? They strung him up, but he didn't fret.*Cogwheel takes a bow*


I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**


How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting.


In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino


What was Hitler’s favorite building game? MeinKraft !!!


I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that


HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are: 1) Stop writing lists.
B) Be more consistent.
7) Learn to count.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!


Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.


What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish.


A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?? New York Jets


Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button


A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer


Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded... ...what do you need?


I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire? Number 1 shocked him.


Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.""You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods.


I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer


My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day... ... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!


Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.


Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel... Links in the description.


What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed


What do you do with dead elements? You barium


Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult


I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK."


A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls” They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”


An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”


I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed... "Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"


A joke my Grandmother told me today. So a termite walks into a bar.  He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”


What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock


I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”


What do you call an argument you have while you're high? Grass fed beef.BTW I came up with this myself.


Communists jokes on internet aren't memes They're ourours


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"Ahmed answers: "The axe"


One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit


Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.


I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”


What do you call a Transformer that turns into a stroller? Optimus Pram.


BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass... Doctors say that his condition is stable.


Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"


The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".


I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish.


How do make a chickpea soup? You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.


A girl went to confession. Girl: I think I am pregnant.Priest: How did this happen my child.?Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming.?Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father.


My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.


What's better than flowers on your piano? Tulips on your organ.


Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user? Because they have probably already Reddit


My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving


I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.


Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.


My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often. But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.


Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones


After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank Shit went down real fast


I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ... And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Why do monsters love writing books in a cemetery? Because they have great plots.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope


I asked a guy if he could do an imitation of a pheasant. He said, "Sure, I'm game!"And that, Your Honour, is why I shot him.Credit to u/Bradders_Extreme123 .


What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast? "Hail, Caesar"


I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home.


A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time


Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s! (born on December 31st, 1999)


Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room.. Then I realized I wasn't married....


What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change


A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"


I took my dog to the water park, Staff said it went against regulation, but... This time they'd let it slide.


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


I found a way to solve the Gif vs Jif debate. Just pray to Jod and Gesus for resolution.


How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap? He can only stick to himself.


My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...


I’d like to return this. It’s unused. Clerk: Sir, this is your diploma. Me: Cash is fine.


Blow Job A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible.


Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies.


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."I was raised to listen to my elders...


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.


I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home.


Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.


I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!


Sean Connery: What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection


This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
 The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”


I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.


Analbumcover If you read this the same way I did, we can be friends.


Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs? He's a Pabst-ist.Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke


Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace I said "Look at that escargot!!"


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons.


Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos


Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method? It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money


What did the calendar say after Tuesday? WTF


What do you call it when two dinosaurs run into each other? A Jurassic jam.


NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'


What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA


My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.


People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al.


Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?


Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time? She turned her car into a tree.


My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.


What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.