What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Customary tipping rules For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill. For valet drivers, a fiver.For singers, a tenor.


What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak? February 14th


What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que


Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?


A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen


Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name. (His)(panic)


TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it. JOHN: HERTEACHER: Ok, your sentence?  JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers. TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next? DAVE: HIMTEACHER: Your Sentence?DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.


A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill. She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.


What would you call a North Korean news channel? The Medium.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless


What happens to a failed brain surgery? The patient loses its mind.


What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones.


We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets


I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”


In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.


What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten


A man called the wrong number... "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."


What happened to the pentagon which lost an angle? It got squared up.


How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!


When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]


As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction.


I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him “Are you the friar?”He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”


How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box


What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer.


When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.


What do you call a girl who never masturbates? You call her a liar


The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys.


Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.


How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks.


I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth He put in tooth with 4 cavities.


I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little.


God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today. God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.


The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related.


What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay.


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron


My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik


Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.


After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.


Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.


Dad, can you put my shoes on No, I don't think they'll fit me.


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell) All ICY is you!


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks. Clooney Tunes


My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts" "Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".


Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab.


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.


Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.


I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is. So I told him to just grow a pear.


“Roses are red, violets are red, if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.” \-Stalin 1946


The electric components under my drivers side seat all started smoking and burning out of nowhere... In terms of looking for a new car...this has really lit a fire under my ass.


What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life? A catastrophe


My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week.. I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.


What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis


What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.


I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.


My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.


What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?" The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying..."


They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?


I hate being locked inside a microwave It really makes my blood boil


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. "Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”


A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."


Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal.


What do you call a cat on the beach? Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone.


Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.


A guy asks his grandmother... "Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.


How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints


What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.


Whew, I’m so tired... I could be an 18 Wheeler


Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group.


What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener


I hear you, brother \- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!


My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops. I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite


Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun.


How do you tie two Hondas together? ...with Accord


There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's


What's the most laidback dinosaur of all? The Trankylosaurus.


Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue.


I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.


At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!


A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.


Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks


Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... "I see dead people."


So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~


While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand. When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.


I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight... ...I’ve added a salad to every meal


People make mistakes That's why a pencil has an eraser and Katie has gonorrhea


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car


How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker? Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it.


How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide Step 1: Step 1Step 2: Step 2Step 3: Step 3Step 4: Step 4Step 5: Step 5


Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham


Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


What's the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.


I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.


An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”


Santa Claus is a douchebag... He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.


"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend." He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.


The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked.


You know the story of the ugly duckling? Pretty fowl story


There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.


Where do all the naughty pancakes go? Flipping Hell!


Exclamations can really change a sentence. For example:I like eating pizza.I like eating exclamations.


Laughing on the internet is not allowed It’s against the lol


How do cannibals eat pancakes? They wait by tall buildings.


It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat.


I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist. Turns out she works at Gamestop.


I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.


So I went to the sperm bank the other day with a full condom... The doctor said ,"get a load of this guy".


I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."


What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale.


Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"Ahmed answers: "The axe"


What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig.


What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt.


Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.


Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true. Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.


Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."


I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.


What's the best date to take a pansexual on? Take them out for a wok.


"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.


What do you call a Gnome who lives in urban environments? A Metro Gnome


Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period? They say she has a mean flow.


I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!


97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact. The rest of them are in North America.


So, it turns out that "In-N-Out" is NOT a brothel but "Animal style" still means the same thing; so that was nice.


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19! It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.


I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.


What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency


Why did Russia not deploy their weapons in the Cold War? It was just Stalin.


Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing


Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk.


[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.


Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee


What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it.


The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."


I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!


30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.


Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster.


You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


Daughter: "Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn?" Dad: "You can't, honey?" Daughter: "Really?" Dad: "You can only get a daughterburn."


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping. Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.


Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare But I think it's much ado about nothing.


I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood But just ended up with a load of Splinters.


Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity


50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US. EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.


Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages.


John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!


We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask. Should I fly first class or second?


To all those considering doing the "Kiki Challenge" please remember... You should never Drake and drive


9 and 5 walk into a haunted house... 9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K


How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb? None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!


The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.


Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old


Dad, what's the meaning of procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow.


A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot.


A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.


Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick


Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?" Bobert: "No."


what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears


At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!


How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox.


- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…


My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.


My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.


My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.


Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.


I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.


My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito? With Magic.


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]


What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.


Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health? Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest


Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element. It's called Phlosphorus.


Two cows are standing in a field... Two cows are standing in a field, One turns to the other and says, “Did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease going around the farm?” The other cow responds, “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”


A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.


If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person...


Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.


Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°.


What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus


What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time? Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.


"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. "What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge."Fu***ng looking for me."


Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq


What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.


A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it.


Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”


What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy.


This joke could be thirty years too late. What do you call a leopard missing a paw?Deaf.


Went on a date with a Zulu girl and we talked for hours We just clicked.


I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me. He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.


Thats a Bug \*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*  Other Scientist: no  \*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*  Other Scientist: no  \*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*  Other Scientist: fine whatever


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


Did you know that every year cats kill more people than sharks? But that's probably because it's hard to get the cat to get in the ocean.


I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.


Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said"Let's put a simile on that face!"


A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.


A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to himShe asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"  He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"


Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor... And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!


What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend? # It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.


Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel. Plain.


Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war.


My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. - Eventually, he came around.


Never tell a cow a joke It’ll just go in through one ear and out through the udders.


Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian


What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.


Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury.


What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup


I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people.. ..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers.


A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges... Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.


What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie? You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally.  You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring.


When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant


I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)


So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."


So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail. He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.


We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man.


A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic.


It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.


What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets


A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."


What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos.


What do you call a satisfied video editor? Content creator.


Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd.


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!


A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell. And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!


I once tried eating an hourglass... It was very time consuming.


I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins.


What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!


What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?! THAWNG.


Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!


I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'"


What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says. The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”


With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"


A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber. "Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."


I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> .


"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?" asked the cafe waiter. "This is ground coffee," I replied.


Why on Earth can't you understand my reason for needing viagra? It's not hard.


A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit "I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".


My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters I never got it though.


Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."


Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall.


Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up


A man walks into a doctors office. The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”


There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past.


If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha


My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago. So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.


Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road.


Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1


We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,... ...so I took a tern for the wurst.


[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing


What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere


I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it


What did the deaf prostitute say to her customer? Cum again?


Where's the best place to watch the Raiders in the super bowl? The History Channel.


What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic.


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub. [NSFW]


How do you solve a marsupial argument? Trial by wombat


I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty.


A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: "Name?"  The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"  The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"  The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."


When I was in the library, I found a book entitled "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems" So I bought 2 copies.


When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity. He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.


Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.


I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...


What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice.


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


I was driving a jeep in a new video game It was a little buggy


My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.


Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages.


Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick


What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks.


What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa


Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk.


Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.


What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!


Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm.


How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view


I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.


My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted. Homeschooling for us was fun though


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!


What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat.


If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.


I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.