What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.


Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights. Therapist: Tell me more.


Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120.


Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission."Name ?", said Jesus."Joseph.""Occupation?""Carpenter."Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?""Yes.""Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?""Yes!"... read more


Why did pirates eat oranges? For the vitamin SEA


What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased


My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag


I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!


(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile but 182 to blink.


Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view


Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."


My uncle just died. He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.


There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.


A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says "Many buffalo come"The Cowboy asks "Can you hear them?"Then Indian says  " No, ground sticky."


Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts


Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.


Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter? They were cantaloupe farmers.


What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer


Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, "The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"


What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? "Sir, you dropped your receipt!"


At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."


What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**


Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel


What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial


Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!


Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..


What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle


It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"


Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.


My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing. He was a medium.


I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed.


My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order


Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit.


How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind


I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often


A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine


Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K


What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most? An itching butt.


An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: "Name?"Tourist: "Andrew"Security: "Residency"Tourist: "Idaho"Security: "Occupation?"Tourist: "No No, just visiting"


What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? Don't look I'm changing!


Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise


All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo


"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?""Nothing."


What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.


I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'"


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic.


What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites.


What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)


What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)


I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels It's my new year's resolution


Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call


What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon.


Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"


Some shallots were hired to break some scallions out of Alcatraz... But when the job was done and they were back on the boat, the realized that they had also sprung a leek by mistake.


If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking.


Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines


Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!


"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that.... You've got issues going way back."


Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit.


What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.


I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight Dietician: don't eat anything fattyMe: thanksDietician: you're welcome fatty


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.


Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!


I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"


Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!


A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.


A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.


A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!


An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”


Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...


Man Talking to God About Woman Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"  God says: "So you would love her."  "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"  God says: "So she would love you."


How do tectonic plates greet each other? They shake lands


My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists


What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus.


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one.


I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.


You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall.


“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly.


A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man. The employee yells back "not in a row"


There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's


A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'


God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible... Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night. But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.


Zoology Tip You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.


There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath. This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.


My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads.


Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away


I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.


My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide


I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich." "Okay, Rich," said the genie. "What would you like for your second wish?"


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work.


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween? With a pumpkin patch!


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."


How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle


Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.


Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.


A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon.


It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!


I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants


My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine. Out of the blue she said, "I love you. ""Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked her."It's me." said the wife. "Talking to the wine."


How did Miso soup get its name? Miso hungry....


What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?


Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision


What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut.


The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy.


Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K


My left nostril is always very congested. You could say it doesn't get a lot of air time.


Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates


What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice.


At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)


So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man...


We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air.


What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox


What game do fascists like to play? Nahtzee.


What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.


The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***


Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head.


Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)


I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives


What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost? I dunno man I just fly the drone.


Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!


Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.


I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading.


Old joke from when my dad was a kid My dad told me that when he was a kid in Romania (late 1960's). The old people in the town told him that if you take meat and rub it against the school at night that dogs would come and eat the school and there would be no school the next day.


I always ask a funny question on first dates. "Are you a serial killer? " Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.


I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine.


What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell? Nonsense.


I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly.


What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.


Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!


How does the German baker greet his customers ? Gluten Morgen


I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow


A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America. Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.They ask him: is this all your luggage?He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.


What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients


Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in? He was kermitting sewercide.


I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way


Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


Why couldn't the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam.


Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.


Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


How do cats send message across the internet? They e-meow each other


I judge people by how fast they run. Does that make me a racist?


What do Sharks have on their toast? Mermalaid.


Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.


Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television... because it was easier than making phone calls?


“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”


My Greek doctor isn’t a physician He’s a gyropractor


My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.


Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor


A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!


Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell


Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.


My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me. "I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."


Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased loads


Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's... Binging and Purging


A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal,(Told to me by my friend Dave)


What do you call 10 cucumbers in line? Queuecumbers


My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.


A few nights after his wives funeral, Edward woke up stiff as a rod. Mourning wood.Original


What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night


What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.


A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.


As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”


I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.


BREAKING NEWS: Missing Child Spotted With Pied Piper Of Hamelin More to follow


I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....


I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs


My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom.


Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.


What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper? When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.


Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags.


"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?" I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."


TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.


Dicks never leave a tip. It's the hands' job.


I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt... Damn mosquito!!!


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo


Snow Day This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......SHIT, we have school online today


In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?


I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'"


What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company


To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.


What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”


I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad. Eventually it learned my moves.


Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.


Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him... Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.


I was talking to my physics teacher... Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?Me: yeahTeacher: cool, you know what den city is?Me: no?Teacher: oh, its mass over volume


Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard.


I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough


What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer.


Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct but Brazil's real.


I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point


What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts


I’m trying to write a joke about hurricanes But at the moment it is just a draft.


What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)


“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” "Some, I assume, are good people"


Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit.


Why is suicide illegal in china? Destruction of state property


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.


Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day. Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!


a man stabbed his salad 23 times. he said it was a historical reenactment


If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet? The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.


Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"


What did the horny English speaking ghost say to the hive? Boo bees!


A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people


Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers.


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right. It was a fitting room.


Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq I invaded Kuwait


Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars


What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!


My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*


Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist.


Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?Grandson: Czech and SlovakiaGrandpa: against who?


Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between putty and petroleum jelly? Their windows fell out.


Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all.


What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations? Their incestors Came up with it myself. How did I do?


What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV


My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer.


Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”


Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on.


I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me


3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line. The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!


What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!


Where do you go to learn to make banana splits? Sundae school.


What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!


What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.


What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon. One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.


My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.


My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*


What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it


How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration? **The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **


Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt Shit


Why did the cat get fined? Because he was caught littering.


AskReddit is 16 years old next month ... Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.


When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore. ... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.


I call my toilet the oval office.. It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow? Milk and quackers


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.


Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant? The first bit of slime is not yours.


It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?


A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws. Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.


Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


What do you call a perfume for amphibians? A frogrance  I just made this up. I hope you like it


I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies, and I realized something It’s not that big of a shock that Darth Vader is  Luke Skywalker’s father.I mean, they have the same no’s.


What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie? The Return of the King


When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit


Dismemberment isn't humorous unless you lose an arm


What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet? I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies. And to his sons, he gives sunflowers


My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days.


I played squash against my son. A wall might have been better.


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale.


Why does Donald Trump have bad hair? He fired his comb-y


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound


They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.


Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling.


A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings


Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside.


I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked." "Does it affect the price?" I said. "No, not at all." she replied. "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."


I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved.


Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.


My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10


What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!


What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.


In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."


What do you call a guy who jumps off the 3rd floor balcony into the pool and misses? An ambulance


An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"? A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".


Why didn't someone see the plane? It went out of plain sight.


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


Daughter: "Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn?" Dad: "You can't, honey?" Daughter: "Really?" Dad: "You can only get a daughterburn."


What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro


Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.