Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


50 shades of grey Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!Girl 1: And the index?Girl 2: Exhausted...


How do you blow up a dinosaur? With Dinomite.


My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, “I’m going to make you pay!” I never want to play Monopoly with him again!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]


What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee


I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it


I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.


Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that


What did one lab rat say to the other? *"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."*


2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May.


Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 Hatch.
 Hatch who? Bless you!


I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us


Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..


If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file? Audios.


Why was the null column condemned by the church? Because it didn't have any values.


US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.


Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.


Why are farmers always the best husbands? They always produce the best seeds.


Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it.


I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair


They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy.


I hated Sex Ed at school Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.


How do you cross a troll bridge in Middle Earth? You use J.R.R. tokens....


Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!


(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.


What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.It just staired.  (Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)


My great grandfather is a really spiritual person He’s dead.


Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”


Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.


Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much.


I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera


My wife crashed the car listening to Adele, She was rolling in the jeep


What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? Wakka Wakka U?


Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!


A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it.


What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.


I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case


Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint


I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination.


What sort of chicken caught the sun? Tannedoori.


I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot. I’m just not very good at it.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.


I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper.


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)


So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating. Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets


How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.


Why are women so bad at parking? Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.\* about 8 inch.


Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt? It was a huge cat ass trophy


What do you call it when you play EDM in a forest? Tree-House


What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled


"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?""Nothing."


What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.


So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"


What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.


My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon Because she doesn't exist


Yesterday, I watched women's beach volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.But by tomorrow I should be fine..


Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death **Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this


A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language


TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful. It’s part of their compensation package.


Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.


What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator.


In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more


I’m giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.


Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?* Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*


China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom  Because the 'P' is silent.


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.


What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically.


Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need


I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back I said "where are you going?"He replied "Fancy dress party""What as?" I asked"Tortoise" the man shouted back"Who's she?" I questionedTo which he responded "That's Michelle"


The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled.


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet! ... once...


As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.


Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality."No" the man replied. "Landmines."


We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property. It was a real ass hole.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!


(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.


I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said "Do you know why I pulled you over?"I said, "No officer - I thought for sure you'd know."LPT - Don't do this.


Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"


My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap.


Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It’s called Chirpies. What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s... untweetable.


Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not "z".


We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!


What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar.. They couldnt fit in


I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.


My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.


I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!


How’d the clam cross the river? Took a taxi crab.


My uncle would eat crickets on a bet My uncle would eat crickets and night crawlers on a bet.Someone once asked him how they tasted.  His reply:Well, they’re pretty bitter.  But then, I guess I would be, too


A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman... "What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today""Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?""Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"


I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.


Today I turned 50 years old and I still don't need glasses... I drink straight out of the bottle.


What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument? If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)


A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy


Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names? People call a group of chickens a Brood.People call a group of Falcons a Cast.People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”


Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......


I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."


What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel


Three men came to visit Confucius They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''He responded: "Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors."


If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win.


I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending.


At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!


I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society! Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box. I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.


A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.


The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in. They said: "B minor".


So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"


Did you know that the shovel was a revolutionary invention? Some would even call it groundbreaking.


A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand."I didn't know frost bites."


At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them.


Derek and Brian are having a drink together. "You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek."Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek."So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian."I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.


A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech. In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.


The creator of the USB flash drive died today. He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.


Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose.


I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"She : "Let's see how this date goes first"


My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards He’s such a noitol.


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error.


Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ...


You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires.


I heard you lost your classical music CD. But don’t worry. I got your Bach.


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet


Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments Coming soon, the Saxofender.


Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. "Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero? The Pun-isher.


"Dj Khaled, what are your thoughts on Palestinian rocket attacks?" "ANOTHER ONE!!'


My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.” I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”Seriously, Fuck Him.


Sent to Jail. After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...


Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind.


Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees.


Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Where do ghosts buy their food? The ghostery store.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq? Baghdad ass up.


Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?" The girl leaned over and said:“Burrr… gurrr… King.”


She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels


What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs.


In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.And the rest of us are reading this on reddit


A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"


A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover.


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


Donkey could take down Bruce Lee... ...because he entered the dragon


What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs


I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time.. She's going to scream and run out of the park...


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride.


Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!


I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho


Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name. And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America


What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days? None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain


Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?" "Chilly", he replies.


I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


So tired of all these restrictions... I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants.


What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


I can’t find my vegetables. Hopefully, they turnip soon.


So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock"


What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat.


I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk


My wisdom tooth came out the other day. I still love him no matter what.


What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships


A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”


To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in. I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


If 666 is the evil number Then 25.8069 is the root of all evil


There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.


Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat.


My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!


How many lips does a flower have? Tulips


What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar Followed by Batman.


When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.


Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.""You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"


How do you know when an Irishman has a stomach ache? He’ll be Dublin over


One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors


I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.


Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed.


Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban


I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician. I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers.


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!


What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised.


What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares.


Kathy: "Wow, you have really gorgeous hair." Chandler: "Thanks, I grow it myself."


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**


What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.


I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read: Roses are red, Violets are blueI’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.


Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water... ...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water.


I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else.


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.


Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$ It was a buccaneer


What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans


What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan


Grandson asks his grandfather Grandpa, is it true, that during the WW2 you took down six German planes?Well, grandson, take down is a strong word, let’s say, not fully fueled.


The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards


Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat? He didn't get a good knight's leap.Wakka wakka!


my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless.


It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?


What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools? Point and shoot.


What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!


There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom.


I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it.


What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? HDMI


I was an accountant I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason. What a waste of 15 years.


Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales


I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body.


Americans have a strange dialect. It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...


Don't joke about power outages That's just dark humor


I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam


Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....


Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken cums in another box.


My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor. I told him, "you will be mist".


I don’t think Edward Norton play a good Frodo Baggins. But Elijah Wood*disclaimer* I tried to put this on r/dumbjokes but they’re unreasonably fickle.


She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels


What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease? A Leper  Con


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he *neverlands*


Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot.


If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind Because she never let me come on her face before.


One night stand A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar.  He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."


I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex. This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.


I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.


German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.


What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico? Locodrilo


Did you hear about the billing-clerk who went insane? He began to hear strange and threatening invoices.


In an ambulance "can you describe the snake that bit you?"Me: "yes,  it was like an angry rope"


What is an ambulance's favorite game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U


Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool.


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence.


Two Germans walk into a London pub Two Germans walk into a London pub-2 Martinis please.-Dry?-Nein! ZWEI!


My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed? I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?


What do you call a fast food company that also manufactures airliners? McDonald's Douglas


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


Knock knock. Who's there? Dja. Dja who? Knock knock.


Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall. Practise, practise, practise


What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede.


I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"


A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation


Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.


People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.


Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery? The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers.


(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."


Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key


When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.


With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.


Those childhood days(real incident) I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariouslyTeacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?Voice: This is my father.


Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.


Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together? It’s called clean-ya-teefah!


The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck.


You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?


What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie? Probably, "Bond Voyage."


My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor.


After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white? It was recently spotted


If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?


What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain!


I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.


Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills


The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy. Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.


So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock"


What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment.


They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?


My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me.


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


[joke about Minecraft] Why can’t the Ender Dragon read a book? Because she always starts at the End.


If I were a flower, I’d be a dandelion Because I was created for you to blow me


If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!


The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?""Round?""Get a round""I get a round?""Get a round...""Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.


If you ever get locked out of your house... Talk to your lock calmly.  Communication is key.


What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it? “You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”


You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box? Now it's their time to shine!


What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen.... A fibbin' Nazi sequence


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.


I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.


Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? "Hand eeeeeyeeeee......"


Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!