I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s


How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot.


You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music.


I dunno why people say hurtful things like... "Wanna go for a run?"or "Try this kale."


what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?


I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?" He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"


Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested Charged with battery


The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation.


With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids? Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand.


Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"


I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbor." I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"


My wife is pissed off at me... She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.


My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers... ... So I gave her a triffid.


French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.


We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.


Which body part hurts most when you get hit by a right-angled triangle? Your sinuses.


My daughters pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious.


My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.


Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.


The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week.""Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?""He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."


A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”


Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur. Call it *Mulan Rouge*


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism they are always talking about marks and angles


A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house.


How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.


A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“


What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand


Mr. Potato Head will now be known as Mr. Potatx


What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician


I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.


I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss.


I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects.  This thing is completely safe.In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!


I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe.


I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying "I just can't get enough" I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode.


Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment


I made a coronavirus joke on r/Jokes It went viral


My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble. I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions


Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver"Sure" the driver replies"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.


What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells? ...pregnant!


What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned


After yesterday’s events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.


50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it They should have added 19 more shades


A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit.


What's the saddest form of transportation? A moped.


Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What is the tallest building in the world? The library-it's got the most stories.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig." "Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? ""Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! "


My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.


What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia


Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.


This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs. I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.


Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument? Because it will always B flat


Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way


If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?


Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic Without dem, it would be a panic.


The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: "What do you want, Sonny?"He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"


Teacher: Use the word Dandelion in a sentence Jamaican Student: Da Cheetah is faster Dandelion


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?


What would a duck do if it was trapped in a car? It would quack the window


I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.


What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician


We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic... Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...


Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won.


What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out


Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.


If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room.


My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020.


A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!


If you sat with your hands in the fountain of youth, would your hands get wrinkly?


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


What did the director Christopher Nolan say to Tom Hardy when he asked him to cast in the movie Tenet ? Sorry, Tom,.......it's Hardy.


Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake


Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!


"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"... Or something shorter, like "co-vid".


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


I hope DC residents have good flood insurance Because that swamp turned into a damn lake real fast.


A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944 "I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."  Reference: QI, S18E01


A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: " O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?"The Oracle: "Yes."Guy: "Aw."


Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand? Mario: ...Judge: It's a fine.Mario: [sadly] no itsa not


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!


An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... "Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."


You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)


A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. "It's worthless" her father says"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"


Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"


Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey, it’s the yeast I can do.


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together? [Banned]


I used to be a tile guy...... It was a lot of trowel and error.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”


Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder.


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.


Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person


My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..." "Look at what kids your age make in China!"


There are thousands of different mosquito species And they all suck.


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly... ... I'm not a fan.


What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


Why can't fish cry? Because they don't have eyebrows.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose.


I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued... "Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."


What do you call a donkey in space? An ass-tronaut


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops.


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Kids : no ideaDad : mentos


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.


A man walked into the doctor's surgery He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.The doctor took one look and said"Im afraid you're not eating properly."


What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions.


What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.


What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?


I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!


How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria.


I hear the weather in Saudi Arabia is very Sunni... But the weather in Iran is Shiite.


I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons I am having a few Rugrats


A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said: “That was a great match!”  “Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.  “Yes! I wish you had seen it!”


Microsoft has released Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. What happened to Windows 9 ? Seven ate nine.


I asked my stepson "what would you like to call me" "Pop" goes the weasel.


What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'


Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazyMickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!


A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.But they’ll be 0K.


Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood. EDIT: sorry, type-O


A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist.


"Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day," "What did he want?""A loan again, naturally..."


Before i married my wife she like a hurricane She was a 5 but now shes 2


My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!


Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"


Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized


Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV


Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced? I thought they had a really strong foundation


What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh


Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant.


My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself


My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator It's not cool man


There were two sausages in a frying pan... One said to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here!"Other one said, "Fuck me, it's a talking sausage!"


What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV


My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices


Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size? The mosque


During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."


Why are fish no good at tennis? They don’t like getting close to nets


A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow.


I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature It went from 0 to 100 real quickP.S sorry Americans


Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?


Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer ...her autopsy results revealed.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally.


Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you hear about the funeral that took place before lunch? Some would say it was in the mourning.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being "U.O.K.?"


I became a proud dad today My son is actually 4 years but he was really boring for the first 3 years


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


I used to collect marbles I  used to collect marbles.Then I lost them.


I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars ...look out for BarTinder


Fishing is a great way to recuperate. Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.


Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him.


How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne.


Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest


Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company


What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


Don't believe what your school bully tells you. Always take it with a grain of assault.


my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum.


What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor


Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today. He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"


Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.


My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible


A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.


A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas


If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan.. then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.


What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it.


Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner? It was a master bait & switch.


The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.


China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden."FOR BIDEN CITY!"


Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.


I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe.


If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir.


What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops.


Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road.


I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma" I think I might have male-aria.


I'll never forget on the last day of vacation when the front desk dialed our room. That was a real wake-up call.


You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires.


A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head. She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance. But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a  living.”


Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit.


Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet.


I saw a stage production of "The Three Pigs" yesterday. The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.


Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait.


So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.


My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’. But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..


There was a power cut at the supermarket today.... 2 blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours.


My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence.


I hated Sex Ed at school Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.


One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?” And thus the giraffe was born.


A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!!!!


What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.


I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums." "Erm...what?" she asked.I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."


In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... "Because they make the toys."


Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!


What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer? A vigil-aunty.


Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon? There are children all over China bragging they sewed it.


What is the difference between "ooo" and "aaa"? About three centimeters.


My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson....about brand loyalty._ credits to Anthony Jeselnik


You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.


When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill. Those were the Goodyears.


After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.


My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, "This is Amanda". "It's a fucking what!?"


A man opened a snail farm. He said that it is a slow moving business


Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie... When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"


My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother.


I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition but it didn't count.


Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.


What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre.


My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.


What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme? A Rapscallion!


How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor.


My wife gives me head every Monday. She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.


My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.


Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting. Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance.


Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them.


I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now.


I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents.


A chef sees a plate on the floor. He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin."What's wrong with you?""With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"


What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history? The shovel


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.


I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks


I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants


Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist. 'No, just flowers today'.


A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast.


My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans.


What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness.


Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents


How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast


Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst.


What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4.


Why is EU like a frying pan? Because Greece is stuck at the bottom


I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence.


What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.


What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking? LinkedIn Park


I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Some tosser has taken the appendix out.


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer


It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.


They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons


Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"Tonto said, "Buffalo come."Lone Ranger asks, "How can you tell?"Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."


Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"


Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.


If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.


A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."I was raised to listen to my elders...


My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss.


What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.


My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


My kid’s pet rabbit Gotye went missing a week ago. Now it’s just some bunny that we used to know.


I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something


I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.


I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow.


The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!


Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?


I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.


Why does cheese come in a big wheel? It’s a fris*brie*sorry for such a cheesy joke


I'm going to start a sperm bank and I'm going to call it get a load of this guy


What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out


What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy? An Oopsie-daisy!


Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery


I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded.


My friend is in a wheelchair and was tired of people "trying"to help him by pushing his chair for him. So to stop this he put 2 dildos on the handles.heh , true story...


I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad.


Roses are red, violets are green.. If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.


Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?


The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous" I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"


What did the mermaid wear for maths class An algaebra


Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!


What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon.


Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)


The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin. While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.


In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk.


(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.


A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”


John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why? Because John was living under The Rock.


I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off


That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.


People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on... Canada Day was yesterday!


Two big girls walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent."You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"


Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*


I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges They are hill areas!


Me and my friend had a talk about planes. It was plain Boeing.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.


I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!


My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'


How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office? Hire them for web development.


It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”


I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion.


I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.


You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND." "How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .


George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.” It was September 10th.


Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore” Im just mental now.


What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders


On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens.


My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow.


I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.


My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it Close butt, no cigar


A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo. They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.


What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance


The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunchbecomesJimmy went to school and ate his colon.


I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis.


How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell


A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"


I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now.


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day.


Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling.


In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008. What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?She will file for divorce.And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?He'll have the White House repainted.


Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!


Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure Slave: This sounds like a pyramid schemeTutankhamen: A what?


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas.


Do you remember what it was like, blowing bubbles when you were just a little kid? Well, I saw Bubbles the other day and he asked me for your phone number.


(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."


Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders


[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.


Chun Li: Can I ask you a question? Ken: SURE-YOU-CAN!!!


Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a fan? Disaster.Dis-assed-her.Copyright Chris Farley.


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.


What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water.


It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania... ..and clicked 'add to cart'


I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.


What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea


The mother in law fell down a wishing well to my amazement. Damn, I never knew those things worked.


My resolution this year is to stop trolling So try not to post anything too stupid


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”


Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)


Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.


You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


What do you call a group of butchers? A meating.


I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste. Turns out I'm just a shitty cook.


A musician walks in to a music store. "I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says."*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies "You'll do fine."


"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that.... You've got issues going way back."


I bought a book I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".I don't know what possessed me !


I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested. Turns out counter fitting is illegal!


The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.” “If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!”There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, “Two thousand five hundred!”


You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves. We were burning the Midnight Oil.


There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom.


How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy


What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells? ...pregnant!


I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case.


For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating. I scored full Marks.


Did you hear the joke about coronavirus? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around!


What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!


what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke.


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: "Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"


I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off


There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other...... One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...


Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat


I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field." Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"


It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"


For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational People are saying he just rolled over.


What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places.


I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested. Turns out counter fitting is illegal!


Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling.


Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly.


My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage.


I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments. He was a huge bassist.


One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious


I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash.


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters. I said, please Yondu that.


Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


i read the story about JFK the ending was mind blowing.


Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.


Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget? Because his son had four skins already.


A suspected poacher was trampled to death by an elephant then eaten by lions in a South Africa safari park last week. Some hunters claim their work is 'beneficial to the greater animal population'.

Well in this case I agree, those lions might have got a bit peckish otherwise.


What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ... I have a dream!


Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high.....


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.


I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me.


How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.