A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.


What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19? I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.


What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean Moby’s dickMy mom told this to me when I was maybe 10


They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.


There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection. I guess you could call that Jet Lag.


I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us.


I love dalmatian puppies, but the only pups in my neighborhood are all white. I spotted one this morning.


What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.


When I was in the library, I found a book entitled "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems" So I bought 2 copies.


As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”


I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?" apparently it wears thin after a while


I was having an argument with my friend the other day He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.


My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters...


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... "No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."


If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?"The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"


Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.


My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on". I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.


For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed.


What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.


What five letters are the most feared in the NCAA Tournament? COVID


February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on.


I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear. Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.


Recently a teacher got arrested... Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong.


What is Bill Cosby’s favorite Peter Pan themed cereal? Roofie-Os


A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.


Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS.


Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them? So you can have sax with them.


When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer


My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again ..


My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2 Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had


I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.


Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.


They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.


My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'


What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence


It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!


You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go


Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked... Specially the wife .


I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”


The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.


My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days.


Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.


Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he succeeds


A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television... "How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said


Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling.


I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'. Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.


Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick


My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved. He is now a cancelled Czech!!


Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure Well, they used to be anywayNow they're just buried treasure


What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede.


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


What not to say in an argument against a bald person? Hair me out.


Ah,school stuff Teacher: Do you know the answer to question *B*?  Student: No.  Teacher: You need to spend more time studying.  Student: Well, do you know Sophie?  Teacher: No, why?  Student: **You need to spend more time with your husband.**


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'


My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.


My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.


Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)


A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions"Name?""Hans Schmidt""Age?""32""Place of birth?""Dusseldorf""Occupation?" "No, jus... read more


Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell.


Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset? They both cayman last.


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.


Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks.


Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq I invaded Kuwait


My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.


I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.


I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.


What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one.


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


I used to believe there was an ocean of soda. Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea.


What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam? Medium well done.Side joke: It made very few mis steaks


What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait.


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening.... .....but he's here with us in spirit.


I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.


I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa


In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.


What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle


A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"


Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint


Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools


Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat. As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."


Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”


My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator


Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.


My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.


I recently got fired as an architect An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault


After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer." The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."


Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?


Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant! I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'"


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb. Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.


What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard? Thousands of miles.


Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom


Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!


A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man stammered, "Yes."Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"


What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident? a wrecked angle(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)


My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!


Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again. My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.


Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics. He was tired of working for Peanuts.


Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..." "I'm not kidding."


Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.


50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them.


Why can't a Roof get Chickenpox? It already has the shingles.


Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier? She didn't like its tone.


For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched... God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.


My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath... I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer.


What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward? What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?Ag I tat Ed. I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


An elderly couple go to the doctors. The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'


Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness." Son replys "Dad I'm over here."


I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.


A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.


Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.


What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!


Dad: Did you know that Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian song? Son: Wait, really?Dad: Yes, a Finnish hymn.


An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day' As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"


What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall? Where the white beaches at?!?


A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore. It's called Prose and Khans.


What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.


How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.


Karen walks into a library She goes to the librarian says,"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"Librarian looks at her puzzled and says"This is a library Miss"Karen replied,"Oh yes sorry"(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'


Where do Salads try on clothes? The dressing room


What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel


What do you call an actor thats a program? What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?Matt Daemon Tools.


How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


How does 69 differ from a family reunion? During 69, you only see 1 asshole!


We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.


"Windows was unable to establish a network connection" "would you like to go online to find further assistance?"


A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed." The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."


Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend? To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right. Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...


A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.


What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm? The CIEIO.


Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling.


What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler.


The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


Most people can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can't find the words for how much this bugs me.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.


What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


When i have a martini shaken not stirred, i always add a viagra It might not make me Daniel Craig, but it will make me Roger more.


What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven.


The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China. Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.


A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!


I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.


I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.


Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants? Best place to get Soba.


Farmers would make great writers. They really know how to work a plot.


A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.Game warden: So where are the fish?Fisherman: What fish?


my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless.


My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.


My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer? In the end it was a unannymoose decision


I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ... If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!


What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger? If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.


What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability


A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner” “I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”


I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


I don't believe Canada is real. I think it's all maple leaf.


The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel... The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnelThe realist sees a light approaching into the tunnelThe train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railwayEDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!


Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot. They needed to dust for Prince.


Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages? Because it was the time of knights.


A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...


What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo.


What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J.


Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur. Call it *Mulan Rouge*


A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?


What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake


If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


I was recently the victim of a drone attack. I forgot to wear my beekeepers veil.


Why did the pillow cross the road? Because it was cooler on the other side.


Laughing on the internet is not allowed It’s against the lol


PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment"just read what you have"ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U


People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al.


The newly released BMW M4 had faulty turn signals It took the new owners 4 months to notice


My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem. I think he's very wrong.Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.Edit: thank you for the titanium kind strangerEdit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!


What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking? LinkedIn Park


What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y.


2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store? A coronal mass ejection.


Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.


Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains? Because the kids have to play inside


My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble. I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions


What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them? Gorilla Warfare.


Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called "The Land Ho!"


Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says... "You man the turret, I'll drive"


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


My leaf blower doesn't work. It just sucks!


Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.


Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.


Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.


I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response


I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me.


I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts I’m lacoste intolerant


A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?


I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.


My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography.


A bakery can only calculate the size of circular cakes... if their pie are squared.


So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.


How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.


In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name... Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq


My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space We don't seem to have established a functional continuum


A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?""No dear""Am I part Black Bear?""No dear, your all Polar Bear""Grizzly? Panda?""No why?!""Because I'm fucking freezing!"


This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;


I got my first shot. I’ll get my second one as soon as I get the bartender’s attention


My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles I told him they wouldn't make any scents


What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common? They prefer liquid environments.


I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing It would definitely spice up my autobiography.


A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.


I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.


[joke about Minecraft] Why can’t the Ender Dragon read a book? Because she always starts at the End.


Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar? Because no one could put it back on his body


Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019... I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel. “$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.


Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says "Au get out of here"


An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!  "Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.


I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes... I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.


[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts? BoOoOoOoOobs


What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not.


I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.


What did the bolt say to the nut? "Washer? I don't even know 'er!"


Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit.


What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi


My grandpa left band because he was embarrassed to empty his spit out of his instrument... He played guitar


Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.


My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew


What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)


I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet Number 7 will shock you


I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.


The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.


What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.


My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”


What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble? I’ve got my ion you.


Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature? Person 2: OKPerson 1: well?Person 2: OKPerson 1: ... are you going to guess?Person 2: OK!Person 1: Are you okay?Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C


Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing. The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.


What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.


A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me. Boy, eyelashed out.


How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.


Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them.


People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself.


It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate. And anyway, the punchline's too long.


Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!


What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean? pollution


TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.


Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.


What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author


My friend used to run a hotel, but now he runs an Airbnb. I asked him if this change in job gave him any new challenges. He said no, it’s entirely inn keeping.


What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You're under a vest!


I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn.


Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point.


What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet


I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"The old man replied: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!


Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."


If i get a dollar for every time i masturbate. Nutting can stop me


I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women. Nvm, Sharon is Karen.


My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my X- box again !


when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was "Broil"


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


Jesus was filling in a form. The question was "Do you suffer from Tourettes?" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross.


We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.


Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.” Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*


I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?" I told him "baguette"


My mum told me she never really liked the angles in a square. I said "ehh, they're alright"


Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!


An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar. Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"


What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)? Morose Code.


Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace I said "Look at that escargot!!"


What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.


Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community.


Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.


What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.


What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle? The Polar Bear


What's the deal with Drake, first he was an actor now a rapper? Must have been all degrassi was smoking.I'll let myself out.


How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.


What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy


Todays weather forecast… S                 O      e  S      H                     W         RScattered  showers


What do you get if you cross a road with a railway? A railway crossing.


What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac? One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.


How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?


Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown


A grandmother said to her grandson, "The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."


A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4


What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!


Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate


My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!


With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in... They really need a hair traffic controller.


Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries.


Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies.


So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches. After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.It was a big waist of time.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I don't suffer from insanity-I enjoy every minute of it.


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches...


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.