Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.


If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...


What sports channel does Lando Calrissian watch? BESPN


If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron.


English is a wierd language Noses run and feet smell


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy.


What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist? A pun nett square


Why doesn't Mr. Spock give hand jobs? Because his Vulcan grip will make you limp.


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


What do you give to a lemon in need? Lemonaid.


I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.


Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?    Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.


For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.


The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice.... Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?


Did you hear about those ISIS tunnels in Afghanistan? [removed]


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.


What's green and has four wheels? It's grass, I lied about the wheels.


Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man


Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery


How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”


What did the head say to the brush? Comb over hair. My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.


If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.


My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs


I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk


What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane? MAST DESTRUCTION!!!I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...


Was in court with the ex wife over who'd get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her So of course she got custardy.


What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel? Plain


Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet Narnia business


The brain is the most important organ in your body \- *According to the brain*


What is something you can get for free in New York? Matches and middle fingers


Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.


What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


You better call early if you want a reservation at the library today. They’re usually fully-booked.


my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum.


What do train conductors need most in the world Self a steam


A man walks up to me and says.. .."Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?"I say "Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam."


I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance


I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages It must be her Wurst Habit


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam.


Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager.


It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology. It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist.


One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball.


My wife said, "You weren't even listening, were you?" And I thought, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


A student is late for a zoom class... "What took you so long?" the teacher asks."Technical difficulties" the student answers."I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?""My clock"


Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.


Abraa Kadabra! Expelliarnos! Stoopify! Wingardian Levioseaa! Loomos! Expecto Patrones! I'm sorry, it seems my spell-check isn't working.


New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver." "My chauffeur's outside."


Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway. It was the collision of the sentry.


The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat. Or in other words:THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.


What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice.


Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland.


Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.


What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn


I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks


A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion.


Why is Spongebob the main character... ...when Patrick's the star?


Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family.


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too.


Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan? Because it has lost its pops


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.


A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944 "I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."  Reference: QI, S18E01


Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.


What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar? According to the Paternity Test: Me


What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother


What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.


Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!


Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence.


What does an African neck beard mosquito say? M’laria


Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court? No, not in this Dayan age.


My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it.


Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)


I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."


She Left Him A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting.She's not sure what he's up to now.(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)


A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar. The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.


If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded... ...is that considered high water?


My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!


What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!


Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*


Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded "I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself".


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa


What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Strokeitoff


What joke is the same in all european languages? USA


My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic.


My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic


I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw


What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan? They're used to disappointment.


Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter. I'm just giving them my two scents.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.


I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded.


What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know


You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!


Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons


I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.


What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim


What do you call a cougar that's hostile to you? An enemilf.


Protons have mass? Never knew they were Catholic


If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?


How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all use gaslighting.


Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see


Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade? He had a bison.


What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma? A high school diploma.


What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.


I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood.


An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.


I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?" He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster.


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common... Fiber


what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears


The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<


What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust.


Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing.


What's an artist's favorite fruit? Crayon-berriesSorry


I got a new job at the owl sanctuary.. It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot


How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd. The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.  The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.


Did you know air is a highly addictive slow acting poison? 100% of all people who breathe air have died, and if you try to stop breathing the poison you will die within minutes because of how addicted to air you are.


At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.


I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine. The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


How many black people does it take to shingle a roof?? One....but you gotta slice him reeeeeaaaalllllll thinnnnnnnnnnnnn.....


I told my doctors I have a phobia of calendars He asked me whyI replied, "Because its days are numbered."


The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”


I met the world's riches fisherman today "What's your net worth?" I asked."This one was about £10" he replied.


Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose


What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.


In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject? In prison


What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle? Atrophy


Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking.


What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar? Santa is way more efficient!


My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house


I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often


Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well.


I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher. I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.


What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!


Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!


Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks.


Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching.


Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed.


I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night They said to get there at 7 but I came early.


I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code


Where Do Sheep Go For Vacation The Baahamas


What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.


“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”


At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.


Did you know there are public speaking potatoes? Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.


(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space? Planet


CORONA ADVISORY The Symptoms of the Corona Virus are: 1. Sweating 2. Weakness 3. Diarrhoea 4. Stomach Pain Basically the same kind of feeling you get when you see your other half checking your phone.


Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.


Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela


An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day' As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"


An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over


When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".


Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim...


Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver"Sure" the driver replies"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.


What elements are a banana made out of? BaNa₂


When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume.


My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up "Enimem-rap god"


One class D personnel from SCP foundation walks into a bar. \[DATA EXPUNGED\]


Mr. and Mrs. Einstein had two kids. Albert: Genius.Frank: Monster creator.


When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant.


Went to buy a lighter on Amazon, when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.


What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!


In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more


Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme? Now it's practically invisible.


Doctor: "Does it hurt?" Patient: "Only when I'm breathing." Both laugh for a while.
Doctor: "That will soon be over. "


Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution


What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm


I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.


Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down


If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?


Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist


Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%


Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him.


When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant


I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad. Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.


At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..." Officer: Yes?Inmate: I think I have..Officer: Go on.Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?Officer: Sure. Parole denied.


How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc


I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.


As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright.


If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.


John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.


What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.


Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


How do you throw a space party? You planet.


What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


If Liam Neeson played Aquaman "I've got a particular set of gills"


What kind of cells get drafted for war? Diploid


Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!


A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater? Lake sturgeon.


A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?""No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."


I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books.


If I had a medal for every time I've gotten to the two minute timer on my electric toothbrush... I still wouldn't have enough metal for all the damn cavities.


Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ? Because they drank it all


I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry.  I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.I died from dissin' Terry.


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case. The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."


Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already.


Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more


My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.


What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?


My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.


Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered


Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar


My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide


My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*


What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy


What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks


A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says "sorry, we only do plain"


My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language? I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "


The brain is the most important organ in your body \- *According to the brain*


I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not. I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"


Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.


Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish? Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs


I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead.


Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps! 1. Bleach  2. Samurai Shampoo  3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill" The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave. The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"


A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps" Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower""Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps""Oh I'm sorry""Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.  So I packed up my stuff and right!


What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well for starters the flag is a big plus.


What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two? The year.


If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why.


A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says "it looks like a connection issue".........He asks "is it my technique?"The doctor responds "no, you have a twisted pair"


My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!


Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial


I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat But the margin was too small to contain it


What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers? A French Pickler.


My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!


What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.


I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind.


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 Cows go.
 Cows go who? No, cows go moo.


Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer. Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?Officer: No shit, Sherlock.


I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.


Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller Unless you want to B♭


Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March.


What do you call a shopping center for Sith lords? A Darth mall.


I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.


They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free


Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. "Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


What is the most calming scent? Chloroform


A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time


There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka


I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."


Some lions just escaped a nature reserve in South Africa They were rejected from their group.They could maybe ask to be let in the group againBut their pride wouldn't let them.


Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit? Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.


What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup


The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign But he got off with a warning


The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset. To learn that All Votes Matter.


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Math problem alarms They are so easy i can do them in my sleep.


Hey girl, are you Afghanistan? Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.


I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts.


Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone? Because you just cant beat it.I'm sorry


Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them


When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian.


I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun.


Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. "What did you do?" asked his brother."I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!""Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother."Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"


Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”


Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury. But by tomorrow I should be fine again.


If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code... ...they'd even know my birth year!


One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.""Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”


Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria


I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday.


I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau


It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!


Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.


For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”


How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake.


My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning. It's just his daily poutine.


What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up Mashing


Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats.


What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common? One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.


I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me... I died of Dissin'-Terry


What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!


What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.


Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.