Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail? They refused to cross streams.


Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.


A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today Officers state that the details are sketchy


I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life. Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.


How ironic. My wife's niece got pregnant... on a pull-out sofa.


I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?" "Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."


How tall is the world smallest grandmother? One Nanameter.


I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.


One man cannot change the world ... Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!


Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front.


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly.


I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels.


I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.


I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.


I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes. The first draft really blew me away.


My father was a nun I never actually saw him go to work, but whenever he was asked to fill out his occupation on a form, he would put: nun.


What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards? Moodoo


I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books.


My Girlfriend I can read my girlfriend's mood by just seeing her hands.Last night I knew she was pissed off when she came walking in with the 9 millimeter in her hands.


I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction.


An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"


Christmas Letters To Santa Who gets the Christmas letters to Santa from dyslexic children?  Alas not Santa.


Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off He was defeated


What do you call a male thermometer? A therdadeter.


How many kittens does it take to paint a house? That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.


What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans? I hear they have a Tutankhamon


Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109


I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helpingCredit: Jimmy Carr


My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”


Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption? He was snowed in.


North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.


Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"His boss replies "Is it ticking?""No, it's turkey and ham."


A joke from my 5 year old: "Know what really killed the dinosaurs? TNT!" "That's why it's called Dino-mite!!"


I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.


I bought a ceiling fan yesterday Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."


I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium.


Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin


Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view


Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas? Nothing. He was speechless.


Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot". It's not too bright but it spreads easily.


For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized.


If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked


NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode


We are all like Stormy Daniels now. Just waiting for him to finish.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the alpaca say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."


Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.


My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen.


What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out.


Did you hear the joke titled 'from seconds to minutes'? It's about time.


Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.


What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale


Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more


Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)


What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice.


What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons


Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]


I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in


I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts


What do you call a nun on a mobility scooter? Virgin mobile(Credit: TheScrubKing)


What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole.


The Story of Ruth and Johnnie Once upon a time...Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods To see what they could see. The car hit a bump. Then Ruth hit a tree. But Johnny went on. Ruthlessly.


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."


I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food It was an act of won ton destruction.


When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow, that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles.


Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]


Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief? They keep getting stuck in de Nile


What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew Orange juice


Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.


Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush... "Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head."Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."


To all those people that say "age is just a number"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word.


What is the most philosophical book? The dictionary. It provides the meaning of everything.


What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk.


There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border


A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in. “Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter. “More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”


I'm dating a girl called Ruth.. .. once she dumps me, I'll be Ruthless! HAAAA!!


What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure.


What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? "Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"


Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras


I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different. I was in tiers.


What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts


A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet


Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants.


One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble. But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"


Son: *crying* Santa isn't real! Me: of course he is!Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't comeMe: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then


They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.


Me and my friend had a talk about planes. It was plain Boeing.


In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**


I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle... "Graze Anatomy"


The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat.


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy.


Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.


I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam.


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home ...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.


Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...Right???


When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow, that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato


Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period


Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!


My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up "Enimem-rap god"


A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"He said "It's my carri-on luggage"*sorry sorry sorry*


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)


Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows... that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.


You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?


A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month! It left a negative impression.


It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.


As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!


People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease


How do you measure an idea? In ideograms.


(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”


Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination


I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now


Why did the trans man only eat salad? Because he was a herbefore.


What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.


When I become famous... I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image.But I'm getting ahead of myself.


Job security in the 21st century. That’s the whole joke.


Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day? Because he had no presence....sorry


Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people


In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash.


My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.


What currency do you use to buy a cow? Moo-ney


My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, "That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine"


I know potato jokes have been made I’m just here to rehash them


John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…


Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.


What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!


People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake.


We should all agree on a global currency In my opinion, dollars make the most cents


My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap.


The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".


Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem.


Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!


A gorilla came to my house and rang the bell *King kong!*


So my grandpa told me a story... He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.But today there are too many damn cameras!


Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money.


Why do churches ban Wifi Networks? Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich." "Okay, Rich," said the genie. "What would you like for your second wish?"


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad. I had to take his bike away.


I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It's called the Plaguestation


Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the majesty of the Hoover Dam And the beaver says to the rabbit"Well I didn't build it but it's based on my design"


What do you call an Eevee evolution that specializes in melee? Bludgeon


College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl Every play is a Hail Mary


Why are artists so good at self control? Because they always know where to draw the line.


What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede.


An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over


Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.


What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem.


What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money? Aliphony!


What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello


A simple joke for Starwars fans Where do Sith lords go shopping?The Darth Maul


My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.


What did the tadpole do when it was being bullied? It toad its mom. What did the other young frogs say? We should JUMP him and RIBBIT him to shreds. Tadpole? He's more like a tattle-pole.You know what they say, frogs have a hard time holding their tongues.


Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.


My friend got tired of being locked up at home. So we locked him up inside of a casket instead.


The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer.


What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair


What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire.


I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'


What do you call it when Drake suicides? Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman


What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus.


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.


What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad


If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)


What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!


What’s 30 metres long and has no hair? A conga line at a cancer clinic


I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down... ... because I'm a mass murderer.


Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!"


Given the tragedy of the Australian fires ravaging the country for weeks, the streaming community would like to extend our heartfelt sympathy. Our Thots and Players are with you.


I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed.. You need only one to smother your husband.


What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space? Another Trump record.  No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.


What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside.


Why is prostitution illegal? It's the opposite of the constitution.


Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’ I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant...  ‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?’.


A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"


What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port? No thanks, it's bad for my grout.


In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash.


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance


A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, "that's a really nice phone."


How did the bodybuilding dinosaur die? Asteroid overdose!.......................... (a steroid overdose)


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently.


How do computers form intimate relations? They insert the floppy into the disc drive.


Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor” She said no and had a complete meltdown.


I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!


My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.


My Uncle Benny Always used to Say, "If you like a girl you should buy her a Toothbrush..." "Because then every time she puts it in her mouth, she'll think of you."


Always have a sadistic person light your grill After all, they're literally pro-pain...


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said "my hands were tied"


If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon.


A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination.


Doctor: you'll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is


Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic


What is the worst name for a hair salon? Budget Cuts


I thought it was an oyster But it's snot.


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe


Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.


What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque.


Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless


I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking.


I saw a naked old lady I said "You look foxy."She said "Do you really think so?"I said "Yes, their titties are on their stomachs too!"


I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."


Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.


All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.


What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? Necktarines


In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's


*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''


Why did the power line not go to prom? She was grounded


I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”


What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.


What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp


I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber. I help you get your shit together.


A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake. They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.“999.”The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”


Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car


What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial


Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids? It was a Tyrannosaurass.


You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent.... That just means urine on the joke.


How do you live with a terminal disease? You don't.


Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. "How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks."Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.


2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking.


I heard you lost your classical music CD. But don’t worry. I got your Bach.


Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.Sincerely, Confused alarm clock.


My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs


The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.


What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $ You know why? Inflation.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.


What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.


Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.


I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food? They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!


Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie. There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.


I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!


Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out


my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came.


I bought two hermit crabs I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???


I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song.


I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, "Nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something. So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."


Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**


Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.


What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops.


What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad


A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."


How do I get to the top of r/jokes? Piece of cake.


Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band.


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." "God loves you. Do you believe in God?""Yes.""Are you a Christian or a Jew?""A Christian.""Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?""Protestant.""Me, too! What franchise?""Baptist."... read more


Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.


How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men? Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'


My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.


A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.


The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History


What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper? When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.


A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions.


What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ...


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein


This new digital currency is bitc*in! Sorry. Bitcoin. It’s called bitcoin


A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him


3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night? Their drug dealer


My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it.


Tonight my neighbour called me at 2:30 am. 2:30 am?! Crazy dude...Lucky for him I was drumming.


Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back. Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?it would be a Terradactyl.(edit: Grammar)


Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner.... Hi, Norm and Max.Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol


One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit


Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!


What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist.


What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.


What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t.


What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning


We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up


I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest I lost the case


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds? Giraffe Sick Park


Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.


Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents.


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!