If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says "sex" she put "Infrequently". The clerk asked her.... "Is that one word or two?"


Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19 Husband : Because you take my breath away!


Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor? Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.


Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have .


Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is.


I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution.


Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL


My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't


A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!


In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.


I like to name my hotdog "The Moment"... ...so I can relish it


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.


If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?


One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ... Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”


An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”


Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is


I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.


Country boy is late for school class and teacher asks him "Why are you late? Where have you been?"\- "I had to bring cow to be inseminated by a bull."\- "Couldn't your father do it?"\- "I guess he could but I though bull would do a better job."


So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.


Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs. I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.


An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... "Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.  "You are right!" responds the alien. "See you on Thursday!"


The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally.


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


I asked my grandson if he had a newspaper. He said “nobody buys a newspaper anymore, use my iPad” He was shocked when it smashed against the wall. That damn fly never knew what hit it.


What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush


What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies


I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box.


Two redditors walk into a bar. "Well technically," the first argues, "it is a Pub since it serves food.""Actually," the second says, "it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel."Neither remembers the point of this post.


Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore. There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.


A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge


What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus? They're both crushed Asians.


My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen.


I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head.


Im worried for my calender. its days are numbered.


Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!


A man forgot to zip his trousers... so a lady told him politely... “Sir your garage is open.” The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked.. “Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”The lady smiled back and said..“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar.


Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes.


A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied: Jesus is the reason for the season.


A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK.


My friend caught me slipping laxatives into his food the other night. All he said was “You’re shitting me right.”


How to you piss off a writer? The list off ways is to long too fit hear.


What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? "I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"


From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs? Appawtizer


Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? So he could greet visitors with a handshake.


It's never too late to lose weight. My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.


Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I'm after you now.


What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts.


What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs.


What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime


Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”


I hear you, brother \- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!


History is a lot like Imagine Dragons... It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.


MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music.


Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks.


Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.


I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie.


Why do Irish love powers of 2? They love Dublin


What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.


My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute


An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”


A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number” The son says it’s wrongThe dad asks “what’s ten times two?”The son replies “Twenty”Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”


I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke... ...like me.


Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.


I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra.


Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?    Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.


Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much.


What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber? Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home


Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.


I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.


Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!


What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.


An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."


Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later.


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint...


Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"


Wife - I have changed my mind. Husband - Have you gotten a working one now?


My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews "I'm sorry," the waiter replied. "We only have orange!"


Now that Benedict XVI is out of work... ...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer.


Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump.


Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins.


Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.


Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.


During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch. The \*For Biden\* files.


I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed.


I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.


A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" “Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."


Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."


Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL" I said, can't turn that down.


When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


Where do ghosts buy their food? The ghostery store.


Why didn't the skeleton artist want to show his skull-ptures? Because his heart wasn't in it.


Sometimes, the greatest joke of all is when you explain why you refuse to tell the joke. Actually, your kids will always say it's better when you refuse to tell the joke, but tell them these anyway.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did frosty the snowman have to go to the dentist? He has a very bad case of frost bite.


Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned


I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”


I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves. The correct answer was blood vessels.


As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy.


Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored


I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides. Euclipides nuts.


Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.


Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again.


Why is an Ambulance slow? Because its a Patient Transport


What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.


How much does a rabbi charge for a circumcision Nothing. He just keeps the tips.


Why can't toys made from paper move Because they are stationary.


My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.


I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes. I guess that makes him a small medium at large...


As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift... My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries. Merry Christmas!


An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why... He said he couldn't resist.


A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll? Roosters don’t lay eggs.


I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here


I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?


My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson She left without a Tres


A question for men with no penis... How come?


What did the network engineer give to his fiancée? A token ring.


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."


What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance


Two old men sat in a library and one asked the other have you read Marx? I think it comes from sitting on these wicker chairs for too long he replied


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.. Now her friends call me ruthless.


I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts


What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


My hot neighbor I was excited when my hot neighbor said she would bring me something special last night, it turned out she wanted to gift me models for earth and neptuneShe gave me blue balls and left


Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?


Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history.


Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything


Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...


Which US state is the sneeziest? Mass-atchoo-setts


I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.


In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said; "To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”


"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.


If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.They just need to seize the memes of production.


A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."


My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.


A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: "Dude, i think we're being followed."


How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)


So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."


Where do college vampires like to shop? Forever


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana...


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What do anti vaxxers kids have in common with Peter Pan? They never grow old.


Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you


There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill? Barbie Queue.


Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do ...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them


I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show? He equals emcee scared.


Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested


Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time


All the teachers in my school were great. Apart from one. She hated girls. What was her name? Miss Ogyny


Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard


A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”“Yes sir, we do.”“Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”


Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans. The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”


What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.


Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue.


The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones.


What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache


I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer. As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast.


r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit It is made of 97% recycled material.


Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat.


So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.


Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama? She's a first edition Black Flotus


My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant. Roll on 2019


A warning to people with kidney disease. Urine trouble.


"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.


Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me.


Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident. They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”


Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”


What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets. Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.


The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?


Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?


If youre having trouble losing weight Try gaining weight for new years resolution


A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more


I once met a pig that made horse noises. It was my neighbor.


In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on. Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon: 'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.''Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'


What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y.


What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again....


Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush? Seriously, it's soda pressing.


I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis.


I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said.  Take these drinks to table nine.


The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.


2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember


How do you know if a mermaid will be top half fish or bottom half fish?......Flip a coin! Heads or tails?! sorry if this joke was a bit fishy but I just go with the flow\~ xD


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.


Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?” The other replied, “More than you”.The sheer confidence he had


I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment. Hopefully it works out in my favor.


Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.


I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.


I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard


Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset. She claims he won’t tater anywhere.


Is it hard to spot a leopard? No.  They come that way.  \- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.


I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins... The sign said "tip jar"...


Whats the best part of an asbestos smoothie? The fiber.


A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!" "Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."


You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...? So they can see the old Iran navy.


My love life has become like my bank card.. Contact less.


Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.


What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An ion!


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist


My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)


What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination.


Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating


Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"


My cafe owner girlfriend broke up with me last night. I guess I just wasn't her cup of tea.


What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.


A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


What do you call an airplane full of Accountants? A Boring 747!


OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once


What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard? Shoot again.


What does a brothel and the American school system have in common? The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.


Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding


NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument lets put a plug in it


A German visits Poland. A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.


Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.


My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule. I was like, "HUH?"


Needed to find a therapy specialist How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org


Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today. He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"


A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."


Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that


I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... "You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe


A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff… Baa dum ssss


Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive.


How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks.


i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers


Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell.


my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall.


How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”


Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution. The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”


Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!


I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.


The Story of Ruth and Johnnie Once upon a time...Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods To see what they could see. The car hit a bump. Then Ruth hit a tree. But Johnny went on. Ruthlessly.


What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye


A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more


Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?


What's the motto of the American Writers Guild? YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses". It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.


6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood


A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted.


Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily. Old lady: Excuse me?Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries? Pharmacist: yes, we do. Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!


I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.


I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa


What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Drake? Stevie has a legitimate reason why he hasn't seen his children.


I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature It went from 0 to 100 real quickP.S sorry Americans


There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past.


Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.


Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)


My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.