Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.


Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.


What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common? If you've ever finished one properly, you already know.


What does a train conductor do when he’s angry? He blows off some steam


Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold.


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic Without all those tourists helping hold it up.


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.


Thumb wars are weird They're essentially two opposable thumbs opposing each other


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.


Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!


"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!"


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown


6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood


What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat? Purr-fume...No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!


What do you call an albino white supremacist? An asshole.


Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.


So I was going down on my grandmother and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?


Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"


The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered "The element of surprise!"


Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!


Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."


Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten. Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”


Best Man Speech "My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention."


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS. There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""


Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope


What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.


I asked my cat, "how are you?" He said he was, "feline fine"


Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull? Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience.


Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering.


Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!


Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo? They just like the stock!


A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it."Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said."Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked."Yes, I have it under CTRL."


Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said "I'm sleeping with your sister."


So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.


If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio


What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church.


This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;


A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation


In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed


what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer? I learned it from watching ewe!


Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*Suspect: What was it you were saying?


What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer.


What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)


“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me. "Bartholomew." I said."And your last name?" he continued."It's always been Bartholomew." I said.


How do you turn a penny into a dollar? Cut it into four quarters. I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry


China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile. But their condoms are "Made in China"


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.


Larry the Cucumber was having trouble. Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".


An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."


I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.


Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.


Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner.... Hi, Norm and Max.Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol


The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat. Or in other words:THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.


What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar? You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.


Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters.


When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him "Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling "I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!"


what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey


Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a "b" comes after it!


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I’ve combined alphabet soup with a laxative... I call it LETTER RIP


In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming.


How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant


A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?""I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?


What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.


Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".


In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.


What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope


What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News


Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable.


I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution.


What is Batman’s least favorite food? A: Chinese takeout


I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.


Did you hear about the new drum beat formula that’s trying to fight climate change? It’s called an AlGoreRhythm.


A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?” The patient replied, “Its mine.”


My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary.


What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC.


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.


What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.


Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)


What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese.


My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents


Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.


I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.


A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.


A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says "we don't sell that".He replies "But you have loads in the window"


Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good? Giraffe-Sick Park


A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation.


What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.


With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.


Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad? Because he loved the ranch


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents


A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”


A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”


Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.


Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.


I just had a power outage during sex. What a turn off.


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


What is a snowman's favourite breakfast? Ice Krispies.


Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory. There’s de Brie everywhere


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


"Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day," "What did he want?""A loan again, naturally..."


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.” A few months later, it finally happened.The swine flu.


Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops.


My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried.


It's been an incredibly long and tense wait but, now, finally, for the first time in what seems like forever I can say ... Today is my cake day. What? Something else going on at 4:09 a.m. East Coast time today?


Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo... If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!


I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.


Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks.


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms He replies, "Yes we do.Would you like to buy some?"She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it."Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said."Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked."Yes, I have it under CTRL."


A man was arrested while running in a wheat field. ..He was charged for going against the grain.


You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101? He couldn't get a grip on it.


A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice. This became a paradox for a pair of docs.


There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong And in the fine area there's a punch line


I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”


My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time.


Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!


What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums? I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.


Visitors Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."


A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”


There's a new game called "Silent Tennis." It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.


And infinite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender stops them and set 2 beers on the bar and says’ “You guys need to know your limits.”


If Bear Grylls could grill bears, how many bears could Bear Grylls grill? As many as Bear Grylls' grill could bear.


What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it.


Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm


Why did the grain of rice wet himself? A jokester made him 'pilaf'


Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore


Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.


A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.


If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.


What do an internet junkie on dialup and an F18 pilot have in common? Both break out in cold sweat when their screen show NO CARRIER.


German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.


They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find


Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million.


If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak? Either way, he'd be pissed


What has sixty feet, three teeth & seventeen dollars? The front row at a Insane Clown Posse concert


Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.


Best gorilla joke of 1897 Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?Zookeeper: No I did not.Gorilla: That's because I'm a quiet gorilla[Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]


What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad? The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...


Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume


Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office... There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.


Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males


What language a stomach speaks? Hungarian


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive


An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.


Which metal do we need the soonest? Silver, it's *argent*


Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house? Because it leads to domestic violins.  (From my 9 year old...)


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." "Oh yeah?" the son retorts. "Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.


I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister. She said her schedule was flexible enough


How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.


The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.


Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..


A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?""Sure-i-can"


Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.


Try to imagine a woman with six pairs of breasts. Looks good, dozen tit?


Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea


Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying...


My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.


What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders


A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.


Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy... Plumber's crack is nasty


Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday".  Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"


Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts.


A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”


Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.


A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday. He got hooked.


I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, "Are you here for my daughter's hand?" In the interest of being honest, I replied, "I'm mostly interested in her vagina." He was taken aback so I quickly added, "but in a pinch her hand'll do the job."


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.


Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on


A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall  Dam.


Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs.


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!


Dear Fork, Dear Fork,I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely,Spoon


What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam? A crane.


"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet "But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet."No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"


The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US It is called Apartment Earth Society.


What is a cows favorite shade of red! Mooroon!


Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly.


A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it. Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.


“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.Man: But I keep losing my Focus.


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!


When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."


I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire


What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke.


I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.


A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'  The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough.


Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"


How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field.


How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.


They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?


In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!


I met a girl crying outside a mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.When god blesses you, you must bless others.


If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)


What's the deal with racism? You're not running a race.


What did the American elevator say to the British elevator? You lift bro?


I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink


A woman in my office died. A woman in my office died. It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails. Some people got upset and I was like ‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’


My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors


Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood? In the Ark Hives.


Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation Anna Cornacoba


Joke Teacher: Your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
Student : No sir, It's the same dog.


What did the English pimp say to his accountant hooker? 'TALLY, HO!'


If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?


Why did Santa go to the red light district? He likes a good ho ho ho


I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations... They're doing asbestos they can.


During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country. I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.


What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex? Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!


The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves


In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)


Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar. I said ‘Mimics.’ The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed. We killed the table. Good times.


My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision


My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.


I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead.


What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.


Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters.


Growing up as a gamer I was lead to believe the end times currency would be bullets or bottle caps. Turns out its hand sanitizer and toilet paper.


Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......


Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!


A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!


Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.


A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"


Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting...


This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.


Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him… “I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”


What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers


Thai Girl Last summer, I was sitting next to this  hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did.


My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers. So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.


Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation.


My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.


I just released a new fragrance Nobody in the car seemed to like it


I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there.


I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself. Sir tainly


What do you call a flying policeman? A helicopper


What do Chernobyl policeman and a box of chocolates have in common? They’ll both kill your dog


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.