I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How do cannibals eat pancakes? They wait by tall buildings.


How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic


How can you tell if someone has priority boarding on a budget airline? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you


Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency? Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."


My cat loves to step on my keyboard Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbgFtgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT cBzzca v  CD gen dmath


What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber? A flash bang


I put your name on my alarm clock... every time I wake up I get to smash you


A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"


What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar? Three golfers lying about their game


Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil.


Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!


I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses


I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). . We can call it... 2's day


This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production.


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.


We have ghosts in house \- "I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too."\- "Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again."


What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus.


I hate playing cards in the Oval Office. The president always has a trump card.


How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog.


In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that...


Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.


I love how music can take you to another place... For example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.


One fisherman said to the other: "Using bait during fishing isn't necessary". The other fisherman said: "that's debaitable".


When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago... He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."


What is the opposite of a chick flick? A Rush concert.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About  miles.


What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb.


I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip.


A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.


Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


Did you know that every year cats kill more people than sharks? But that's probably because it's hard to get the cat to get in the ocean.


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!


I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”


My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time.


There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”


I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head.


What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat


What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard? Thousands of miles.


My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer... We’re in grave danger


Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland.


I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.


What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn


Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them


Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.


I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately Been crushing legs


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet.


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.


What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son.


Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands.


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection


What do you call a whale without underpants? Free Willy


What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time


I enjoy playing outside as a kid. My brother would roll me down the hill in an old tire. Those were Goodyears.


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument.


I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins.


A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.


This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said "Really?"She said, "Yes."


What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves.


The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!


Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....


What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron


Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.


I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.


This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more


You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon.


Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.


Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.


My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother."Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.""Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him." Johnny then frowned."I was sitting on Daddy's lap"


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans


Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday".  Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"


What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig? You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.


A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd. The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.  The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.


She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him


Alexa, where's my dad? Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.


A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:Then why did you eat him?”


The Interactive Pirate Joke "What's a pirate's favorite letter? ArrrrWhat's a pirate's favorite color? ArrrrangeWhat's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say "the arrrmy""No, the Navy, dumbass"


Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already.


Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet.


Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back


I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for. “Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!


The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled.


Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.


Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.


I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day He won't be walking for weeks


Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine? They discovered they could make alcohol out of them


I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.


I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida... ...you could say I have tropical depression.


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor. Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor. Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"


I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… The servers are currently down...


I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me. It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.


Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer.


My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain.


I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP.


If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica 7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.


I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.


Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'


What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


My son got angry when I told him "Sky is the limit for you". He wants to be an astronaut.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents...


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn... But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.


Every accent is a good accent. Except people from Uranus, they have a bad ac-scent


Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants


The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner."Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar.


You’ve heard of television but have you heard of Askahearing?


Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!


What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.


An atheist comes into a mall And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"


It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing.


My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope.


A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish.


Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat.


I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac


A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now.


I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs. I couldn't help thinking, 'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree." "I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?""No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."


Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket I guess the real joke will be in the comets.


On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be completely Excel Lent.


What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet


I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business


A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says ...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.


Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.


If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.


There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.


The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower.


What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it.


My psychiatrist says I’m making big improvements dealing with my tendency to read hostility into situations That fucking sarcastic asshole.


I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box. It only took me two weeks.


A father's day joke Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?Son: My name is Paul.


Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!


A boy and a girl are playing naked in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a peepee. The girl just grins and says... When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like.


A man walks into a cafe A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to goThe coffee gets up and walks away.(Can’t take credit for this, read it on a coffee shop window)


What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A Auschwitz accepted gays


what do you call a math mistake? algebruh moment


Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets


Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.


I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.


How do you find a pothead in a crowd? You weed them out


I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK.


What did the cross dresser do at Christmas? Eat, drink and be Mary


My comrades were destroying the brick factory. I said "Stop, we need the bricks!"They replied, "That's why we're demolishing it."


At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?


What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get:- your wife back- your house back- your truck back- your dog back


Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up They were charged for attempted murder


Where do cantaloupes go for the summer? John Cougar’s Mellencamp.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey


Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.


What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What gives people power? The mitochondria.


My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie.


How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.


My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume. Stupid cemetery rules.


What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? A fizzician!I’ll see myself outEdit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...Thanks for the gold and silvers!Happy New Years y’all!


What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4.


My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.


Where do spiders seek health advice WebMD


Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses.


Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized.


An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem.


What was the first form of digital storage? gloves


What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing.


Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher.


What do you call a dj-ing kangaroo? Disc joey


Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer


The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ... I have a dream!


Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually


I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?


A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed." The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."


Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks? With great power comes great response ability!


What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers


My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity.


Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)


Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day.. ..it would come back and bite me in the ass.


The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.


To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse


Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating. Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.Britain was at the door.Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.


Because of lock down my hair has never been longer But it is really starting to grow on me


Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)


I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!


Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion


I don’t know why the color purple gets such bad reviews? It made me blue when I red the comments.


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh.


I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now. They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


What is common between a gynaecologist and a food delivery person? They both can smell it but can't taste it.


Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession. They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork.


Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy? Because schools are closed.


Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system


My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer.


Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”


I tried to translate a joke from my native language A man walks into a gardening store and asks the clerk: "Have you got anything for ants?"The clerk replies with: "Well, we've got insecticide..."Tha man frowns and says: "Are you crazy?! It says on the can that it kills them!"


For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized.


Me: I have trained this goat to talk. Karen: This would be fun to see.Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?Goat: MeeMe[to goat]: Who's my pet?Goat: MeeKaren: Ah, its boringMe: Wait it gets better Goat: It gets way better, Karen!


I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor. I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?""No!" she gasped. I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"


Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...


Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.


Kathy: "Wow, you have really gorgeous hair." Chandler: "Thanks, I grow it myself."


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic."


I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more


What does a boxing comedian need? A good punchline.


I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear


Why don't the Chinese play cricket? They eat the bat


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’


How does a viola greet a relative? Cello!


I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984.


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided? Sorry, my fault.(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)


I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening.. Talk about short arms long pockets...


A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically. It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.


There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.


What's a judge's favourite drink ? Guil-tea.


A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Roses are red, Violets are blue Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2


Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.


Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”


A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up" The other tree: "why wood you do this"


I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.


Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough.


I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC] The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.


Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable


China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding


I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager.


I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”


How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin? Shallot.


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls… I think they're Inca hoots…


What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies


You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky.


The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida..... are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?


I once hired a beggar for my business I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon


If you were an owl how often would you check your back? Owl the time


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!


I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"


How do you make number one disappear? You flush.


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it. I wish I could read all of them.


What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!


Why did the potato cough up blood? Because it had tuber-culosis


What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt.


I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year... I have 20/20 vision. Happy holidays folks.


What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian


I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF


I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass. The priest was incensed.


Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.


What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.


A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''


I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.


Feel like hearing a dark joke? turn off the lights before doing knock knock


I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet


A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran.


My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.


NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument lets put a plug in it


What do you call toast in a cage? Bread in captivity.


The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said... "Please, just wear your police uniform."


What do you call a knight with a consistent sleep schedule? Sir Cadian


I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port. All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


Why Amazon bought Whole Foods Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole FoodsAlexa: Buying all of Whole FoodsJeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.


Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)


Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call


What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak


Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management? He had a bad ALTOtude problem.


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'


What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite track and field event? Sheeplechase.


Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity


I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew.


How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million.


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant? They had to change his mind.


I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons


Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.


I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship... I said "yes I am, why?"She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"


Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question.


Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.


What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!