Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Ayatollah." "Ayatollah who?" "Ayatollah you already."


Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".


My 6 year old daughter just said to me.. "Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?


Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.


Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss."What do you think we should do?" she asks.Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"


How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist? They're always searching for the tooth.


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster.""Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.He said, "No, you're just really ugly."


when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was "Broil"


Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!


There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba.


What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana? One comes from the farm, other from the pharm


Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures.


I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies.


What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"


Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee


Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie.


What is it called when Bart buys an Only-fans account? It's called a Simpson


A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?” “Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”


I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence. He said, Na-ama-ste.


What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans


my brain is like an overclocked cpu it runs 2000 fps for a couple seconds then melts


Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime.


So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.


What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march.


What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker


I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.


Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)


Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy.


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three.


The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted "Argh-bees!"


Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident... This isn't the first time he got off...


Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.


As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it.


You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches


One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan.


What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.


What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise


A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.


My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '


Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"... So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.


How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.


What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Posting about Covid-19 on the Internet..... Seems to have gone viral.


What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA


I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat I'm already on stage 4


Blind man walks into a shopping mall Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head. Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around.


I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia.


My grandson Edit: please go easy on this joke - my 15 year old daughter made it.


How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.


When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard.


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"Paddy says, "What's his name?"Mick replies, "Miles, from London."


North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.


Why did Jesus never play hockey? He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.


The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible... I'm sad as a coconut.Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...


Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.


What is a ghost's favourite exercise? Deadlifting


What dinosaur is a writer's best friend? Thesaurus


What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.


I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"


This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???


A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"


Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con.


What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women? A Biplane.


Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


Why was the polar bear relaxed when watching TV? Because he found a cool channel


What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of? Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?''It was bread in captivity' she replied.


You know what they say about bathrooms... That's where shit goes down.


Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.


What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada


The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry. Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time. And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’


My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve.


What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale


Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms.


A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist. Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.Officer: What is your age?Tourist: 31 years old.Officer: Occupation?Tourist: No, just visiting.


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment. That's messed up on so many levels!


My dad asked how is the letter a like a flower because a “b” comes after it


My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment... So I created an Al Gore-ithm.


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse


My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.


It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!


Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota? He was Mini-apple-less!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday."


Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O.


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events


They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people. It's called Draggin' Balls Z


Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke


What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!


My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't


I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately Been crushing legs


Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"


A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." *"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*


This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid. Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.


Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came


I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.They told me they were still dealing with my order.


I think my brother is actually my step brother Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.


200 IQ baby Father: “Say Daddy”Baby: “Mommy”Father: “No, say Daddy”Baby: “Mommy”Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”Baby: “Fuck you”*Mother arrives home*Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?Baby: “Fuck you”Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a... read more


9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens.


What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin


Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed? Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.


Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”


What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle? you can find both in my boxers


How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell


What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance.


There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"


What did the Indian woman say to her car when she locked it up for the night? Tata


I used to be a motorcycle courier... Man those things are heavy..


Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it


They should put more wine in a bottle.... So there's enough for 2 people.


One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside In other words, the prose and cons of jail


Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."


A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."


What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis


Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand, With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass


A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?" The animal replys" well,  I am a tiger" The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger." The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"


My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"


I had a fight with my erection this morning I beat it single handedly.


What's the worst number to mention in the morning for a Brazillian? 7-2-1


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.


This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle Candy Bars


What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!


Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.


Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar.


Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy


What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse? Talk.


A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars? WOMAN: yeah, sure.  MAN: How about for 10 dollars?  WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!  MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.


I've tested positive for needing a fucking vacation


Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!


My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo


My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released.


How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.


What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"


What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants? My mother.


Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420.


How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?


(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job.


Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH


I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me "Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!"I told him "No, he's an asshole."


I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.


I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting.... I think I might have salmonilla.


Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort.


If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds. Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?


I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.


Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.


When your partner tells you he/she cheated on you, I know there is a tendency to ask "with who?" Resist it. Instead ask "with whom?". Speak good English, no matter the circumstances.


Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.


Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.


How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight? Throw paper at him


What do you call it when one president comes in and another president comes out? Barbara’s bush


What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.


Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters? Because then it would be .3048 Meter!Some jokes just don't translate well.


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us


There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!


What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction.


What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*


Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage


I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video He suggested “poor k”.


True story! A 55-year-old Walmart cashier winked at me as she handed back my change the other day. People's Sexiest Man title, here I come.


I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman Man:  “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”


My date told me she was a baller, so I was keen when she offered me back to her house. When we got there, the place was small.I frowned. "I thought you said you're a baller.""I am," she replied, then she pulled down her underwear.


How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)


I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts.


Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him.


You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side.


I'm with the CIA, AMA! But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit.


What is this movie about? It is about  hours long.


What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall? Claustrophobia


A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope


I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops


North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.


A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover.


Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling


Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that


My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.


I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”


Environment Friendly Joke *What do you do with 365 used condoms?*    Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.


I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."


Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!


Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up.


A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.


What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.


What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, "Can't you just use a sponge?"


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor.


Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world! But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein


I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................


My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license


An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”


I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still


What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons


Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets? Because their ports are always a disaster!


There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D.


Apparently North Korea only has 3 tv channels... Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Deux and Kim Jong Trois


If you’re American if you enter the bathroom and you’re American when you leave what are you inside the bathroom? Euro-peein’


What are ghosts favorite thing to read? BOOks


Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events. This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.


I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time.


What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous.


What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!


scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!


Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.


In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow.


What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks


I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut.


I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.


You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny. But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.


A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -	Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.-	-	-	Jane ate her friend’s colon.


What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore


Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.


I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.


Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!


What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.


I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.


What's 40+40+SQUIRREL! 80HDMy daughter made up that joke when she was 8.


What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.


A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"


I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”


I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes. I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."


What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!


Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse


According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal


Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.


What do you call a sheep thief? Steel wool.


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


Was holding a crab when it started pinching me My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”


My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure. I said "what is that"  she said "other men's dick's"


I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? >!Gum!<


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off


I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!” And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”


Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator


Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty.


Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars


Who do businessmen pray to? The Prophet Margin


What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size