Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day. He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing. "Where's your appendix page?""Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.


Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.


You know what a krakens favorite meal is? Fish and ships


If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon


Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground? They have unfinished business.


How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day? Easy! Slice of pi.


Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission.


Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget.


Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car


There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.


What do you call a goat that works at a bakery? A battering ram


The workers at Coca Cola factory are always enthusiastic and motivated to work.... That’s the sprite.


What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.


A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!


New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!


Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done.


How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.


We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!


Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm


Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait.


The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."\~ Abraham Lincoln


If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio


Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.


One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth


Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant.


How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.


The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut.


How does a snail commit suicide? He looks into the socket.


Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?


My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish. Oh well, No Woman No Sky.


There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.


A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back, When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”


If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!


The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen. A man once insulted a cossack.Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.There was a flash of silver.Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed."Ha you missed!"The cossack gave an evil smile. "Wait until you try nodding."


My friend tried telling me shovels are useless. But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.


My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.


Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex.


Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous? He was coming out of his shell.


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


A vampire comes home, covered in blood "Hey, awesome, where've you been?""Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?""Yeah?""Well, I didn't"


Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the forgetful idiot's house.*Knock knockWho is there?The forgetful idiot. Sorry i forgot where my house is, can you help me?-credit to my 10 year old niece


Whether you love him or hate him... ...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.


Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them.


My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography.


How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.


TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.


Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama? All the DNA matches and there are no dental records


Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!


Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding.


I have an unpredictable connection with my tap. It's a hot and cold relationship.


It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF


A science teacher tells his class... "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."


Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting? My left foot he is!


Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal Feel free to go fuck yourself


A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”


A boy goes to school with his kitten... ...the teacher asks the boy "Why did you bring your kitten to school today?" the boy replies, "I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him."


What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.


When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears.


My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course... It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz


Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that... Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.


My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me. She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people.


Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.


Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)


Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero It's called the "0K Boomer"


Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)Courtesy of my seven year old niece


Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain. Why is Ice so dangerous?


What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery.


A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."


My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.


That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours.


Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . . encourage you to pick your nose.


It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend.


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year.


Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.


My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course... It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz


Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity.


A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?" Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"


I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.


What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle


Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!


One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.


What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? "Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"


What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan? In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows.


The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Wise words from my grandmother. Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers. Some are also prostitutes.


Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.


I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.


What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado.


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why are restaurants great places for networking? Because they have a lot of servers


Highschool orchestra goes fishing Some kids from the highschool orchestra go out on a charter fishing boat during summer break. The captain comes out to talk to them and says "Any of you kids ever cast a net?""No sir, we're all from the brass section"


Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins? Because they're never spotted.


My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”


Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!She replied "Why do you watch porn?"


What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness? Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television. I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


Upon discovery of some sandstone deposits in a dried-up river, Mr. Watson questioned Sherlock Holmes on how he could be so sure it's sandstone. "Why, it's sedimentary, my dear Watson!"


I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia. Eventually, she came to her senses.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day


A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”


My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one.  Stubborn man.


My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there.


Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!"The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"


A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test.


"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork "Utensil your muscles" I replied.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


Why didn't Edward get on the plane? Cause it was snowed-in.


Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!


I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more


England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....


" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "


What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA


Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"


Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are?Me: *SCREAMS*Therapist: Oh I seeMe: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*


What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose


A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"


Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets


Why don’t spaceships have bars? In space, a hole in the wall would kill everyone.


What did the cemetery say to the hospital? Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients


A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg...


Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000


German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.


I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass. The priest was incensed.


I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years. No one told me life was gonna be this way.


TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance" So I said, "You're an ambulance."


I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again.


Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail... His homies said he was salty.


I walked into a pet shop. I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."He said, "Have you got the receipt?"I said, "No."He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."I said, "The parrot ate it."


How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle


What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle


What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time.


Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days.


If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife


What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino


Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day.


I just downloaded my Biology notes but couldn’t open them. We were studying the helicase. I then had to Unzip the file to open


Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.


The workers at Coca Cola factory are always enthusiastic and motivated to work.... That’s the sprite.


If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.


Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook? The charges were too legit to acquit.


Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures.


Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant.


birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.


As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection "Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said


I went to a planetarium show. While I thought it was fantastic, most of it was over my head.


Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week." "Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"


Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants. I don't see many frost giants.


Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why I only know who


The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***


After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one.


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.


Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?" "He climbed out three times - but only to pee."


Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver"Sure" the driver replies"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!


Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts. It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.


A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”


Who can beat captain America? Captain Vietnam


I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped.


The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.


Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?


I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.


There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer.


2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April.


With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city They’re aiming for Kabum


My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom


Is it safe to eat salad yet? It romaines to be seen.


Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.


Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww


The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump. 403 forbidden.


There was a woman selling batteries in the park today.. She sells C-cells by the seesaw


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train.


What is the most popular song in hell? Burn baby burn, Dantes inferno!


What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.


People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless.


What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common? You always know you’re getting a happy ending.


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.


My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished


What do you call it when a potato takes over the world A dictatership


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


"So, Are you a team player or a one man army?" I tried team playing, but my boss kicked me out of his bedroom and told me to leave his wife untouched.


If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.


What’s the difference between a steamed potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals


[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply.


Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia.


What do you call a motorcycle club comprised entirely of bisexual monarchs from Scandinavia? The Bikings.


A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.


Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos


Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.


Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime.


The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It


I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow


After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.


my friend invited me over one day at his house.... he told me to get comfy and feel like its my home, so i threw him out, i dont like having visitors.


I went to McDonald’s and asked if they had any deals. The lady said, “We have the Travis Scott special, it comes with fries and a drink.” I asked, “does it include a burger or is it just the rapper?”


A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time


I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type. It was a Type-O


My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!


Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.


What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.


What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye


The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices: You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.


Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery.


US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.


Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.


Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.


I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee.. I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.Good Luck..


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower? Hey bud!


The owner of the local cinema died today His funeral is on:Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30


Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower.


I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence.


I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why? He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"


My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)


The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."\~ Abraham Lincoln


Where’s my pillow? Not at Bed Bath and Beyond


I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."


George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.


I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


(Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."


This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!


At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them.


What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion.


A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'


Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”


A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"


Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked... Specially the wife .


I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.


A farmer goes to his wife and says... “You know, if you were a real, real woman you’d give milk and we would ‘t need cows!”She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.“Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn’t need farm hands!”


I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree? A meateorologist


I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings


Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed. so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child


I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.


What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....


Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians


What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail


I asked my daughter if she knew what today was. To my suprise she said presidents day.I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.


Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell? Because his MPnada


I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop.