My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress? One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.


Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink...


A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah.


Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon.


Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions.


If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir.


Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean.


Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer." Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."


I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.


The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted "Argh-bees!"


What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato? With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.


I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too.


What .io games do they play in Nigeria? Pol.io


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”


I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire... Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.


a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven? the dark knight rises.


Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.


I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.


I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer It came out as a pile of shit.


Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."


Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog.Happy Valentine's Day!


Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved.


Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly.


The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.


Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life? Stop imagining.


A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.


what do you call a place where everyone's a writer? a writer's block.


There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery, and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.


Why does the ugly waitress work for tips? Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in


It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country.


What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh


I once dated a clairvoyant. But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.


Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!


How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick


What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases? Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.


Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old. And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"


What do you call a low budget circumcision? A rip-off


Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!


My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once. I told her she was right.


An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”


There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!


Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why can't fish cry? Because they don't have eyebrows.


What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.


Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.She can’t read very fast!


Why are birds always sad in the morning? Their bills are over dew


I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of.


Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers.


Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.


I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past. It’s time to talk about my problematic future.


Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy


The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long... It has lasted for one Tool song.


I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents.


If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room.


I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.


"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."


What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1.


Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher.


Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)


Oxygen and iron are on a date Oxygen and iron are on a date at a karaoke bar and everyone is telling them to go sing. So they say "we're a little rusty but we'll give it a shot"


Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on


Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. "GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"


My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad. It's how he said he always wanted to go.  Drowning in pussy


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


What's the name of Tyler The Creator's dad? The Tyler Creator


Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery.


I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T.


Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.


There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried


I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.


Bullfrog If Kermit's astrological sign is Taurus, does that make him a Bullfrog?


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.


How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.


Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates


My Uncle did a magic trick today. He turned a six pack of beer into domestic home violence.


10+10 and 11+11 equal the same number. 10 + 10 equals twenty.11 + 11 equals twenty, too!


I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes.


What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.


Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date


My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me.


I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.. She hugged me. =/


A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?"Cum at me bro".\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?"It's bananas"\... read more


As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging.


What do Catholic cows do on Fridays? Chew their cod.


What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese


Why did Walter White take off his pants? He was worried they'd get methy.


How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb? None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!


At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”


What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush


Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers.


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician


I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.


Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.


How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm


I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?


What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You're under a vest!


My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s.


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument But I don’t believe that tuba true.


The vegetarian did not like the new strawberry jelly... It just wasn’t his jam


Is 3 followers a lot? On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes.


Why did everyone want the truck on their tug-of-war team? Because it had a ton of pulling force


The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe


Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


People are like a crayons The white ones are useless.


I was having a heart attack, so I asked Siri to call me an ambulance. From that day on Siri refers to me as "an ambulance"


You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.


I have a very dark sense of humor Its so dark that cops are beating it to death.


How do you turn a penny into a dollar? Cut it into four quarters. I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry


A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. "Return ticket to Death Valley please."  "Pleasure trip?"  "Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."  "LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?"    "No, this is carrion."


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing.


Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser? It was poetry in lotion


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”


Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.


A cube walks into a bar... A cube walks into a bar and comes out as a sphere. A passerby saw and asked them what happened. The sphere replied “oh I just had a drink to take the edge off”.


Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members? They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.They're called ABBA Trois


We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop. But we just can’t seem to nail down a date.


What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag


I thought it was an oyster But it's snot.


What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.


Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?


An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right. The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'


My grandmother died on her 100th birthday The worst bit is we were only half way through giving her the birthday bumps


What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere


Why was the high wire artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance.


You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


What's the difference between a nun in church, and a nun in the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.


I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.


All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards. I’m having a hard time dealing with this.


If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win.


What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)


A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a horny toad? I don’t know, but you would sure get a lot of them.


In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption. I guess I'm not in her good books.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million.


What's Medusa's favorite cheese? *Gorgonzola*!....OK, I'll show myself out.....


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.


Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary.


One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first."


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.


I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll.


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.


I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking.


Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.


[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick.Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson?Me: You ask nicely.


Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister He said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.


If Trump had been editor of the Sun, "Virginia" would have received a much different answer... No.


I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"


Internet arguments are like connect four but you only have three pieces


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun.


If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...


Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly


My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her... Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.


OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures.


I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop.


Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!" "What's the bad news Doc?""Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"


A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up" The other tree: "why wood you do this"


What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.


What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian


When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it


A dad goes to a reasturant Waiter: have you decided what you will be having tonight?Dad: hi,yes ill be having the rabbit stewWaiter: alrightDad: hey waiter,theres a hare in my stew!


When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...


Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead. Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?" Mamma: "You would too my son, if your ass was on fire."


My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older! Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?


What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks? You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!


The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves


Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard? Bifrosties*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited,  I'm counting on you guys


What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.


What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common? They don't want to pay for mods.


I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more


A racist and a sexual predator walk into a Virginia bar The whole bar screams “Welcome Governors”!


For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied


What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato? You get a Yyama!


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess


Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court? Sediment always settles


Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system


Why do angels smell so good? Because their scent from God.


I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.


Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates... As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...“...Myth confirmed.”


A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!


I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop. It'll be called *Soup or Hero*


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere.


Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.


What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.


What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping.


What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


Are you the Center Of Disease Control? Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a *bear*!"


I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service..


Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°.


I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.


A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:"Honey! We're out of bread!"The wife came into the room with a new loaf."Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up


My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction.


What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp


Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.  This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.


People say its a Case of the Mondays Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition


I used to date an English teacher. She dumped me however...She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.


I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising.


Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes. They both haven't got any meat to them


Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group.


What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.


My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life


What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.


I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though


What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn


In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino


How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again.


Why is Saturday stronger than Monday? Monday is a weak day


Dungeons and Dragons is a lot like Bitcoin I know it's popular but I don't understand it


What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?


Why are cats afraid of cucumbers? They dont like anything cooler than they are.


What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)


I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. "Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"You mean 9 months."Ken is 24 months!" Deborah, he's 2."My baby is -26 weeks old!"No, Karen, you miscarried.


What starts with M, ends in DMA, and was an exciting surprise at the party? My Grandma


I thought pull ups are hard But pull ups are easy once you get the *hang* of it.


Do you remember what it was like, blowing bubbles when you were just a little kid? Well, I saw Bubbles the other day and he asked me for your phone number.


What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal


"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ". "This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".


The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes. She wasn't impressed when I came back with a bra.


My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea


Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


Stop me if you heard this... Cows, sheep, goats, and/or reindeer.


Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit.


How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!


Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!


Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer.


I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.


What's the only shape to ever be knighted? Circles.


How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.


What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.


A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision. Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would


Where does a rabbit go for a trim? To the hare dresser.


Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"


A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”


The man who invented the television remote control passed away today They found him at home between the couch cushions.


TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit.


Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.It was a grave mistake.


I’ve always wanted a motorcycle My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.


Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance


How do you express your opinion in China? \[redacted\]


The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.


People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like Yeah, this is big brain time


50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"


What do you say to Mario when he doesn't get a joke on the Internet? It's a meme Mario.


My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!


What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file? "Do you want to save those changes?"


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.


A policeman is speaking in court... Lawyer: “So the defendant shot and killed her husband for stepping on the freshly mopped floor?”    Officer: “Yes, that is correct.”    Lawyer: “And it took you an hour to arrest her in the home? Why?”    Officer: “The floor was still wet.”


How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish


A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?" The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"


The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.


What's a prisoner's favourite piece of punctuation? Periods, exclamation marks, or question marks - whichever one ends the sentence quicker.


I've got a 3D printer But it only prints pieces of paper.


Is it safe to eat salad yet? It romaines to be seen.


The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned. He's speechless.


Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.


Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear. It's a tankless job.


The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense


I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s


Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect. The answer is spine.


A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"


I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC