Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.


Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)


Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.


Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.


Y'know I rued the day once聟didn't get a whole lot else done.


(shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)


Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!


Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!


Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!


I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)


There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!


Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)


(to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.


Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.


Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.


Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.


Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.


Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.


Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.


You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)


Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?


So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!


I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.


Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)


Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)


Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?


If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?


Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.


Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.


(starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?


Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.


Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?


(smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?


Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.


So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?


See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!


Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.


Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"


All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.


Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.


Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)


(To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.


You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.


(singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown聟engines聟on!


You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.


(looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?


(To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.


Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.


(laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.


(leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.


Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?


Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?


Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.


Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.


Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!


(deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.


Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)


Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever


No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.


Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!


When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.


So you risked your life, for a sandwich!


So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.


I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.


Before or after you were shot by your own troops?


Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.


(To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?


(terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!


Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)


I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.


(To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)


Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)


It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.


Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.


Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!


I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!


Were you're parents happy, or something?


Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.


Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!


Yes I did, and I think you should do it.


He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.


I聮m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.


Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?


All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)


Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)


Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.


Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.


Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!


Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)


Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!


How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)


You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!


Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.


Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?


All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?


Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)


Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?


I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?


So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?


We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.


Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.


They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!


Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.


All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.


All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!


You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.


All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.


Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!


I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.


Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.


Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?


(who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!


Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?


That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn


(To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!


(To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person.


No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!


Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!


I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.


Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.


Yeah, I think we should see other people.


Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary.


Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don聮t tell me I did this!


How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out?


Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!


(talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad.


Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)


No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.


When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!


(pushing her away from another hug) Next time?


There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!


That's so funny, because I think I just did!


(interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.


Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)


Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?


(Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.


No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!


Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.


Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)


(walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.


Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.


Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.


Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)


Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!


If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!


Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.


(sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!


Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.


You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.


Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.


Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?


(spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?


Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.


Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.


(looks around) Here just聟take this. (Hands her the sweater.)


No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.


Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)


(singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!


Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?


Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!


Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!


So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?


Monica and I almost got married last night.


Look, I just don聮t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y聮know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y聮know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?


Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or


Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one聮s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one聮s free.


I don聮t know. But I-I-I know I love you!


So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.


Yes, we don聮t get married unless there聮s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there聮s a definite sign that we should get married.


That was so unlikely. Well, let聮s get married! I guess.


That聮s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!


Yeah. (They go pack.) We聮re doing the right thing, right?


Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)


All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y聮know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.


Jeez, relax! It聮s not like we聮re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)


(entering, slowly) Y聮know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?


Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I聮m saying?


The door hasn聮t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!


Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can聮t get in!


(trying the handle) It still doesn聮t work.


Nice job Joe! You聮re quite the craftsmen.


Y聮know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?


No. When it comes to sweets, he聮s surprisingly strict.


No, no, I keep trying, y聮know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too聟" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "聟go to the bathroom." He may think I聮m sick.


Oh, so that聮s this is gonna work now? You聮re just gonna order me around all the time?


No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here聮s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I聮m gonna be moving out man.


Look, I-I聮m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I聮m moving right back in with you!


Okay, so that聮s it, everybody knows! It聮s official, we聮re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?


Wow that was my scariest voice! You聮re very brave.


Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.


Well, I-I still think you聮re very-very nice and very pretty


(To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)


Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?


You just said聟 Of course you聮re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?


Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)


Look, I聮m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.


And you聮re upset because you didn聮t make your best friend cry?


Pheebs, I don聮t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?


Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday聮s was just our thing man!


Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y聮know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!


Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let聮s discuss it before we reject it completely."


Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It聮s the oldest game!


I don聮t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!


No, I聮m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)


Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.


(reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!


Hi, listen, I聮m sorry about before. I don聮t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn聮t get girls, and now I can 聭em聴Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women


That聮s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.


Hey, y聮know what? Why don聮t we think about changes we can make in the living room?


Yeah, I mean we聮re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)


Oh, that聮s cool. Then I聮ll just bring them both over.


Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I聮ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!


All right! That聮s fine! That聮s fine! I won聮t bring over the chairs! I won聮t bring anything over! I wouldn聮t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma聮s place!! (Storms out.)


(entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I聮ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)


Why did you take the shower curtain down?


Well, why don聮t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)


Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love.


He聮s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!


Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.


Oh that聮s so sweet! I want to show you something too!


Y聮know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?"


Y聮know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that聮s you and I together! Merge!


Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you聮re gonna go?


Wait a minute, hold the phone! You聮re not talking about Chuckles University?!


Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor聮s Guild.


Okay, it聮s not a check. They聮re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn聮t work enough last year.


I聮m sorry man, there聮s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.


Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.


That聮s great, but shouldn聮t you be on the toilet right now?


This sounds like a hernia. You have to聴you-you go to the doctor!


Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!


I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let聮s just get that thing聟pushed back in.


Oh Joey聮s got a really bad hernia, but that聮s nothing a little laser eye surgery won聮t fix!


Listen, I聮m really glad you got the part.


Now, is that never talking about it again?!


I聮m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don聮t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!


Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?


Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you聮re not married to anymore of us are ya?


Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I聮ll be sure to give him your shoe.


Yeah, I聮m gonna pass. 聭Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.


Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It聮s times like these I聮m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn聮t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you聮re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)


See that聮s where I think that you聮re wrong. We聮ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.


I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y聮know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around聟 (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)


Okay, I聮m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.


Shocking! Since you still have the keys.


(entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)


He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!


They聮re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!


Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)


(entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you聮re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.


Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y聮know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it聮s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)


Ahh, I think it just moved. It聮s really poking me.


Okay, listen this really hurts. Let聮s go.


Well, let聮s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.


Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.


(pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!


(watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he聮s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I聮m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.


No, just the months you actually want to live here.


Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)


That聮s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don聮t I just聴why don聮t I just cover you for a while?


Okay uh, here聮s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)


So, we聮ll do the rest of the bills later then?


No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn聮t take it.


I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y聮know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won聮t hurt his pride.


Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?


Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?


Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we聮d do nothing.


Oh, I wish I聮d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.


Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?


Okay, let聮s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.


Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.


No! No! No! No聴(Joey looks at him)聴one can beat me.


See? Now, that聮s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.


Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)


Okay, uh, how about, how about聴y聮know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it聮s fun.


I聮ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it聮s really easy and really, really fun.


Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?


Oh yeah! Okay, let聮s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?


Well that聮s a full cup! (Pays him again.)


It doesn聮t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?


Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.


Hey, I didn聮t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don聮t get to excited because that聮s not gonna happen unless you get聴No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would聮ve won. Chandler pays him.)


All right, let聮s play one more hand! One more!


I can聮t take the big white dog! You love it!


No, but wait聴what if I bought it from you, y聮know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?


I聮m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you聮re okay.


No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)


I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.


Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.


Hmm, let聮s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)


(not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.


Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.


All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?


Now imagine you live at the supermarket.


OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)


(pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.


Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica聮s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?


Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?


What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!


Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.


Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.


She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.


She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.


I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.


No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.


Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.


No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.


It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.


We should start with the big stuff. Y聮know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)


What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.


OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.


Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!


Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?


Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.


And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.


(blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.


(to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.


Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.


Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place.


That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album)


No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)


Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.


Hi, my name聮s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?


Can I check out what she did to my room?


(The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th聟 it聮s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you聮ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It聮s spreading already.


(Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?


(Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that聮s too small to put anything in?


No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you聮re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.


Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.


Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?


That聮s weird. I don聮t think my boss likes me either.


Yeah, what was wrong with your old聟human teeth.


No, no no no. You聮ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary聮s bind, right?


Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)


Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I聮m going to go over to Joey聮s.


Yes, but I feel like I聮ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we聮re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.


Nah, Nah, it聮s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.


You know when guys hang out they don聮t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?


No thanks, Josephine.Scene: Ross聮s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]


Hey Ross, I was wondering if聟 Oh my God!! Where are all the men???Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim聮s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]


Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.


You聮re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!


Oh! That聮s great, they haven聮t seen the place since I moved in!


(shocked at the news) Why can聮t I tell them that we live together?


Why haven聮t you told them?! Wouldn聮t they be happy?!


Is this why they don聮t like me or why you don聮t like me?


Y聮know, it聮ll be okay. It聮ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we聮ll tell 聭em.


Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn聮t I?


Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You聮re parents like me, right?


Well Monica just told me that they don聮t.


(angry) Well if people don聮t know they shouldn聮t just guess!


This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.


Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.


Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!


Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y聮know I聮ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.


(worried) He聮s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.


Oh, yes. Well it聮s very beautiful. It聮s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don聮t mean tight, I mean it聮s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]


What about all that 聯friends forever聰 stuff?


Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!


The reason we haven聮t told them we聮re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?


Yeah, I聮m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.


(clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I聮m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.


(lying) Yes, but if it聮s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.


(In a parent-like tone) I聮ll talk to them!


Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.


I dunno what it is, it just doesn聮t quite feel like Christmas to me.


You are aware that she聮s not a monkey, right?


Ah, you聮re still just a little fat girl inside aren聮t you? (He kisses her on the cheek)


I can save you time ladies, I聮m right here.


No not okay, you can聮t look for Monica聮s presents!


No, you don聮t have to, and you can聮t because I live here too.


No, I have a great idea for a present for her.


Y聮know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don聮t, you don聮t do that every year do you?


You don聮t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?


Because that聮s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I聮ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)


I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!


Those are book ends! That's a great gift!


Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?


Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.


Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that聮s as good as garbage?


I don聮t wanna know what Monica got me. Y聮know? I mean, look, I聮m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.


Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don聮t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica聮s face when I give her my present, and I聮m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?


So you kissed her, so what happened after that?


So she聮s just waiting over there for ya?


(entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)


I聮m not your garbage man. I聮m your mailman.


You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!


Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore


so then the farmer says, "That聮s not a cow and you聮re not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)


Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.


And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn聮t afford it, because you paid dinner last night.


Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!


So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!


No, you sh聴No you said you made that up!!


Eh, they聮re both good. I generally just go with, Monica聮s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)


Oh nothing, we聮re just talking. Y聮know, blah-blah-blah.


And I聮m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."


(To Monica) Y聮know I think you can take her.


Yeah, I聮m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?


That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.


Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he聮d ever heard.


Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?


(jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.


Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.


Nah, Monica聮s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don聮t want to miss when they were skinny.


What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?


If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?


(picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?


(with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?


So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.


And monkeys can聮t write out prescriptions.


(stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.


So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.


Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.


(visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.


You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I聮m going to get a joke journal. Y聮know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.


Maybe it聮s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.


So is your apron. You聮re wearing it like a cape.


I think it聮s great that you work here. You聮re going to make a lot of money, and here聮s your first tip: Don聮t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.


Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.


Because you聮re the only one that can be fair.


(to Ross) Don聮t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I聮m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let聮s go.


Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.


So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve聮s doctor聮s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, 聭Doctor Monkey?聮 And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)


(starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and聴(He falters and Monica prompts him.)聴generosity of spirit.


(To Chandler) I聮m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?


(pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You聮re a little high maintenance.


I聮m sorry. You聮re not easy-going, but you聮re passionate, and that聮s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I聮m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that聮s good too. So, they can say that you聮re high maintenance, but it聮s okay, because I like 聟 maintaining you.


(happily) I聮m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)


Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I聮m not answering that.


This coming from the man who couldn聮t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.


Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn聮t you be at work?


Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)


I know, let聮s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)


That would be impossible to resist if you weren聮t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)


Yeah, I don聮t you should say that even when you聮re healthy.


Don聮t take this personally okay? It聮s just that I just can聮t have sex with a sick person.


That聮s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.


Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she聮s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!


Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.


I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y聮know what聮s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.


Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!


No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.


So you聮re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?


It聮s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?


Well that was before all the vaporizing action.


(calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?


Ho-oh, he聮s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y聮know so umm, he聮s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I聮m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)


(totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!


Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!


No, I guess I just never really cried. Y聮know? I聮m not a crying kind of guy.


Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I聮m rich!


Oh, that聮s Parent聮s Day, first grade. That聮s me with the janitor Martin.


No! Look, I don聮t cry! It聮s not a big deal! Okay?!


You didn聮t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?


Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.


Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don聮t do porn.


Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)


Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y聮know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn聮t think I was y聮know, all dead inside.


Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.


No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we聮re up at the altar and I聮m like this. (Makes a bored face.)


Okay, well I won聮t uh, worry about this anymore then.


(To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.


(crying hysterically) I just don聮t see why those two can聮t work things out!


(starts crying) I-I can聮t believe Jill聮s gone. (They all look at him.) I can聮t help it, I opened a gate.


Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.


What, you guys really think that I聮m that shallow?


What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I聮d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job聮s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don聮t have to wear a tie.


Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."


Was his question what聮s more boring than him?


Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.


I could use the money; it could give me time to write.


Well it聮s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he聮s not real.


(reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.


I always thought having a heart attack was nature聮s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you聮re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you聮re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.


Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I聮m with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I聮m lost and I can聮t find food."


(approaching) Here you go Joe, here聮s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)


I聮m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.


It聮s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)


Oh you wouldn聮t uh, care. It聮s just a stupid comic book story.


Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn聮t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist聴as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can聮t have lumps in them.


(To Ross) But I think we should tell her.


Listen Phoebe, he聮s right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.


Uh, what about y聮know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.


I聮m sorry you聮re here with me instead of Roger.


Well, I could make it seem like he聮s here. (Imitates him.) "Here聮s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn聮t add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)


With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!


Four different women! I聮ve had sex way more times!


Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?


No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.


Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)


Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y聮know? Because you聮ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn聮t want to disappoint you.


Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?


Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)


Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!


So you uh, want to do something tonight?


Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you聮re still seeing him and uh, he聮s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when聟 (He fakes falling asleep.)


Oh yeah! Yeah! Don聮t worry about me, I聮ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)


(sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?


Because you shouldn聮t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.


Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don聮t just happen. Y聮know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y聮know I was just lying there and I couldn聮t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y聮know with a friend.


I know you probably don聮t want to go out with me, y聮know because I make too many jokes and I聮ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I聮m not technically a "doctor聟"


Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.


(reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.


Okay, look I need your help, I don聮t know what to get her for Valentine聮s Day.


(laughs) She was working on Valentine聮s Day so we聮re celebrating it tonight.


Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can聮t do that we promised we聮d make each other gifts this year.


Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.


I made a聟 (Does one of those gibberish words.)


Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?


(admiring his work) This, this actually is a聟 (Does the same gibberish word from before.)


Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine聮s Day gifts?


Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.


Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?


I聮m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?


Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon.


Wait a minute, I can聮t give this to her.


Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.


Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he聮s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can聮t do it. I can聮t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)


Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?


Now, it聮s not wrapped because I just, just finished it.


But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.


(momentarily terrified) Maybe we聮ll have to listen and see!


I see. Y聮know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.


(thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)


Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!


You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.


Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)


No you don聮t聴get it in black, not brown.


Well, it聮s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.


Y聮know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren聮t they?


Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.


No! You聮re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kill on her face.)


And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)


Come on Monica, it聮s our Valentine聮s Day. Please? Please-please, please?


Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there聮s a big selling calendar, eh?


A hot girl聮s at stake and all of the sudden he聮s Rain Man.


Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.


Oh, I don聮t know man. I haven聮t talked to her in like ten years.


You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred


What are you smiling about? What is so funny?


Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?


God, it聮s great to catch up! I can聮t believe how long it聮s been!


(on phone) Oh that聮s great! Good for you.


Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm聟 (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!


(on phone) Hi! I聮m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we聮ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)


(To Joey) We didn聮t get to the audition. I聮m gonna take her to coffee and then we聮ll do it then.


Honey, it is not a date! I haven聮t talked to her in ten years! You can聮t just call up somebody you haven聮t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y聮know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.


(laughs) Oh that聮s great, my friend Joey聮s in the movie business.


Hey, relax I just need more time. We聮re going to dinner tonight.


Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!


Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!


(breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh


Well maybe there is one thing you can do.


Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?


Well, the heart wants what it wants. I聮ll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)


(entering, sees Rachel聮s throw) Ni-hi-ice!


Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?


No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)


Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey聮s arm, Joey pats Chandler聮s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)


So he has to be a male who has at least $50.


(laughs) Isn聮t she cute? (On Monica聮s death stare) No!


So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?


Oh that聮s so funny because we found someone too.


(horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.


Our new fridge? I don聮t live here anymore.


(not quite sure where Joey聮s going and is a little worried) Okay


Just tell her the truth! Tell her you聮re not ready.


Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.


Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)


I can see it now, "Look dad, it聮s the Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.)


Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!


(To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny.


Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat聮s name?


Okay now it doesn聮t matter which one you choose, y聮know? It聮s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.


(To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?


Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y聮know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)


Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!


There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)


Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you聮re too late okay? Because she聮s already with our guy.


It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)


(To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!


(To Joey) So uh, what聮s this thing you聮re auditioning for?


Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)


(on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!


Oh come on guys, it聮s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren聮t for (struggles to get this out) Monica聮s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You聮re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey聮s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)


(looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!


Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?


Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)


Well, maybe we can fix it y聮know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!


I messed up. Okay? I聮m sorry, I really messed up.


Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody聮s allowed one mistake, right?


You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!


Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]


I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that... [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!


Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and


You聮re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.


Look, I聮m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you聮re not perfect! You聮ve made some errors in judgment too!


What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!


Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.


Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...


I can聮t believe I did this! What an idiot!


(coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!


Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey聮s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He聮s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that聮s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that聮s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he聮s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.


The actor playing Mac couldn聮t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o聮clock.


Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross聮s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!


(angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!


Y聮know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!


Well that聮s good. Because you didn聮t! And I聮m incredibly happy for ya!!


You are gonna be a huge star! I聮m gonna hug ya!


(To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)


Oh that聮s right. It聮s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?


Are you judging them by their covers? Because you聮re really not supposed to do that.


Wait a minute, hold the phone! You聮re not Elizabeth聮s dad?!


But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story聟 (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn聮t happy.) You聮re roommate in college died didn聮t he?


Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.


Damn those robots, they聮re supposed to be our faithful servants!


So do you think uh, Joey聮s more charming than me?


Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)


The only way that I said six would be if the seven聮s, let meet at seven, not at six.


Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.


(To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He聮s wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)


So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!


Oh I聮m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?


(whispering in Joey聮s ear) The reason he just said.


(on machine) You聮ve reached Monica and Chandler聮s, if you聮re listening to this message, we聮re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.


(on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom聴No! Not the groom!!


(gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)


(angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)


(on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)


I聮m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)


Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)


Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!


Yes, if it really doesn聮t mean anything, because you know that I聮m just not ready


Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can聮t figure this out! It聮s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a聴ah-ah! Paper cut!


No, I don聮t want to tell anybody else because I don聮t want Monica to find out.


Well, it聮s because I trust you, you聮re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.


Oh well, we don聮t because we got聟the聟other pl-place.


Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we聮ve been too and I can聮t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It聮s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)


Y聮know, I聮m so glad I picked you to help me with this.


Yeah, I聮m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one聮s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?


Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.


Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you聟hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?


(choking up) Oh my God that聮s it, that聮s the ring! How much is it?


Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I聮ll go get it. You guard the ring.


No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)


Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.


Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)


Oh, that聮s uh, that聮s pretty nice but I聮m gonna go with the one I picked first.


Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.


I can聮t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!


No, it聮s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica聮s face when I gave it to her, y聮know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I聮m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it聮s perfect.


Okay and he hasn聮t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.


(to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you聮re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I聮m gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn聮t sure.) But, in exchange I聮m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.


No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don聮t want to break her heart now do you?


Yeah, she聮s dying聟 Of a cough apparently.


(interrupting her) Okay, that聮s enough honey!


Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and he聮s horrified.) Hey! I聮m marrying a dead woman!


Guys? (They ignore him.) I聮ve got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I聮m gonna ask Monica to marry me.


Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.)


(goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy聴What?


Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait 聭til uh, it was official y聮know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you聮re my best friends.


Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.)


It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I聮m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I聮m just gonna propose.


(glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can聮t go. We聮re going to dinner remember?!


I just get mad when Rachel doesn聮t remember where we聮re going.


Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.


Oh, so you聮re already doing your part for the kids.


Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn聮t agree to that!


Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What聮s going on little elves?


Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?


Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she聮s gonna know.


(trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It聮s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)


Yes! Yes! I聮m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything聴are you聴are you perrr-perfect?!


Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can聮t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should聮ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?


Yes! I聮m fine. In fact I聮ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.


Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn聮t imagine growing old with


(not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.


What?! I聮m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that聮s Richard!


Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don聮t know why I did that!


(to Richard聮s date) And uh, you don聮t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I聮m Chandler; I make jokes when I聮m uncomfortable.


Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.


Yeah, I聮ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)


I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.


(stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!


Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you聮re not careful you may not get married at all this year!


(after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!


I聮m gonna do it tomorrow y聮know, and-and surprise her, but now you聮ve ruined it!


Who walks into a room and asks to see a person聮s hands?!


This is terrible. What am I going to do?


That聮s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.


I can do that, I聮ve had 30 years of practice.


Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn聮t want to get married?


Oh, just hanging out, talkin聮 about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.


Yeah, well聟 Y聮know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?


Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let聮s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don聮t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that聮s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that聮s good at sports!


If marriage worked, I聮d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.


Well, never say never but y聮know probably uh yeah, never.


Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don聮t you put down your copy of 聭The Rules聮 huh mantrap?!


I was making a coconut phone with the professor.


He聮s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I聮m supposed to do that!


Well what聟 Y聮know what I聮m gonna do? I聮m gonna go over there; I聮m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!


Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I聮m gonna get the ring! I聮m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I聮m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I聮m just going to propose!


Where is she? I聮m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)


(examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!


Oh my God, I can聮t believe this! Y聮know, I thought聟I thought you were a good guy.


Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn聮t tell my girlfriend that you love her?


Y聮know what? I can聮t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!


And what does she have to think about? I love her!


But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y聮know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she聮d be surprised!


It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn聮t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.


Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?


I can聮t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!


Well why didn聮t you stop her?! Why didn聮t you just tell her it was a plan?!


Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought聟 (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you聮ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?


(To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I聮ll be in the closet.


It聮s okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.


So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?


There聮s gonna be a wedding. You聮re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.


(motioning with his hands) I聮m not worried, I聮m uh, I聮m fascinated. Y聮know it聮s like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)


Sure, you guys don聮t have this problem, you聮re made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!


Oh, don聮t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.


(putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don聮t hurt me.


Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.


Young! You聮re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody聮s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!


Well, it聮s just the reason that I聮m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to聴I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn聮t聟. There huh聴hmm, there-there was an incident.


(angrily) I don聮t think that聮s what they were talking about Joe!!


Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!


Now Monica, I know you聮re upset, but don聮t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there聮s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.


We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).


Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it聮s romantic, but because I can!


Okay, don聮t say anything, you might scare it away.


Pheebs, we聮re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!


Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don聮t care!


What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!


(To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.


Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)


(To Ross) I don聮t care, she slept with me.


(interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here聮s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.


Well, you couldn聮t get them anyway. Ian doesn聮t plan anymore and Derrick聟 (Off of Rachel and Monica聮s looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn聮t know.


Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?


Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?


Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they聮re a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.


Oh, I don聮t think I ever heard that story.


Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)


I don聮t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She聮s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.


Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we聮re gonna get married.


Well, close to聟 (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)


Well, you聮re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?


Well, come on, I聮ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.


No, I realize that honey, but I聮m not gonna spend all of the money on one party.


Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.


Look, I thought about it too, and I聮m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.


Yeah, I聮m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that聮s what we聮re gonna do.


Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y聮know? We聮ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.


Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.


Well, stuff like where聮d we live, y聮know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y聮know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it聮s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we聮d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.


Are you kidding? Okay, I聮ll give you a hint; I聮ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)


(sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn聮t think I used to wear glasses, right?


That聮s okay Pheebs, we聮re not having a party or anything, so you don聮t have to get us


Well, it聮s good that you finally have a place to do that.


Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)


Oh no problem, maybe I聮ll play with my left hand.


I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.


Daddy. All right look, here聮s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that聮s when in happened.


Why do they put so much steam in there?!


Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?


Not that big a deal? There聟there was touching of things.


I don聮t want him to tell this story for years.


If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!


(getting up) All right, I聮m off to see your dad.


Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face聴And by face I don聮t mean his lap. And by face, I don聮t mean my ass. (Exits.)


So you understand, I聮d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn聮t tell people what happened. Y聮know, I聮m a little聟I聮m a little embarrassed about it.


That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.


No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)


Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?


Secret? Married people aren聮t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.


No I聮m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.


So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we聮re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.


No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe聮s secret?


That聮s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?


(angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!


Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don聮t show this to Monica! And don聮t tell her about the W-H-Wow!


Oh it聮s always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"


Nancy Thompson聮s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)


I had too okay?! We聮re getting married! Married couples can聮t keep secrets from one another!


In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.


Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?


You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!


(To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow聴whoa!


(To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?


Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)


Y聮know when I said that because we聮re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?


Yeah that was stupid. Let聮s not do that.


Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn聮t hang out with聟all the guys in my office.


Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!


No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who聮s going like this聟 (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)


I don聮t know what it is, I just can聮t take a good picture.


All right, but I should warn you, I聮m not going. I聮m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)


And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin聮 us play this time too.


Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.


They have that on the napkins at the club.


Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y聮know you can聮t date him right?


Okay. (You聮ll have to see it, I can聮t describe the face he makes, but it isn聮t good.)


Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?


Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?


Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)


Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.


Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!


I don聮t know, but don聮t worry, don聮t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down聟 (He falls asleep.)


(awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)


(looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.


No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.


Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?


No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive聟 (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.


Well, let聮s see聟 (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)


(pause) No, we聮re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.


Well, 聭cause she came back the third summer and she聮d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow


I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow聟"


Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?


Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.


Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!


What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.


Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!


(she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.


(To Monica) It聮s a nickname, I聮ll explain later.


Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.


You-you-you didn聮t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!


As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I聮m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.


I would really love it if could do both.


Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!


Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.


You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!


Look you have to realize I don聮t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you聮re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.


So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.


Skidmark聮s still got a way with the ladies.


Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.


You didn聮t bring me here to do that, did you?


OH聟MY聟GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn聮t tell her we were getting married, did you?


Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check聮s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can聮t wait to read your book Ross!!


What do you think she聮s just gonna sit there quietly? You don聮t think she聮s gonna want to make a toast? You don聮t think she聮s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!


Y聮know what? It聮s gonna be okay. Y聮know what? She聮s probably not gonna even want to come.


No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?


Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it聮s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We聮re not even sure why we聮re having it.


(To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?


No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!


Is that what you聮re thinking about right now?


Janice, I聮m sorry but umm, you can聮t stay here tonight.


Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.


I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)


No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.


Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica).


Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in聟vegetables, Joey?


Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go.


Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad)


Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)


I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!


Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.


Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.


I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something.


Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!


(to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs.


They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit.


Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.


And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!


How did you聟know? (Heads back into the bathroom)


(comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?


This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)


Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.


Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?


And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)


Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.


Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y聮know, for you, and聟(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)


You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.


Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)


Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)


That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.


Well, either that or uh聟(Motions towards Joey聮s door.)


Don聮t worry, I聮m brave! I am brave! I聟I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?


I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us.


Mm! Night Gar聮! (Monica closes the door.)


Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!


(with his mouth full) What happened? I聮m just eating candy.


Absolutely! Y聮know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.


Maybe, isn聮t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?


Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?


(asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?


Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.


All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I聮ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?


All right, y聮know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You聮ve ruined it! Go home! You聮ve ruined it! You聮ve ruined it!


No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh聴are you okay?


Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle聮s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.


Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?


Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?


Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.


No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.


Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?


(to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)


Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.


Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.


Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)


Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)


(walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...


(finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)


Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.


If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?


(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!


Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)


Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird聟turtle-man?


You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!


You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!


But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.


Because, if Santa and the Holiday聟Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!


Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?


My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who聮s nodding.)


Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.


(nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.


I聴no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.


No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma聮s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I聮m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.


Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie聮s made some new friends.


I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then sushes him.)


Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!


Well I聮ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!


(closing the box) Y聮know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.


Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?


So apparently we just don聮t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?


Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)


By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don聮t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.


Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)


I聮m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I聮ll regret it.


Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)


Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.


Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!


I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!


Y聮know what? I don聮t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I聮m takin聮 it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)


Well that聮s not fair, you聮ve already had some!


(examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh聟 There聮s more crust on this side. Y聮know? So, maybe if I measured


All right, I聮ll pick that one. (Points.)


(gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!


Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don聮t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my聟 (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)


Because it聮s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)


I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?


Sorry, I just聟can聮t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I聮m like聟(Fake snores.)


What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)


Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I聮m sorry, I thought maybe I聮d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.


Hey, y聮know what we can do? Y聮know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y聮know like we did when we were first going out. It聮d be fun!


Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?


(Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.


(intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you聮re not thinking about cleaning the living room.


No. We were in the middle of sex聟and you fell asleep.


I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!


Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don聮t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn聮t move as he gets out of bed and as he聮s heading for the door.) And I probably won聮t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.


Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can聮t believe that I聮ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.


Well, you聮re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes


(knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)


Joey! Joe! (Sees that he聮s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer聮s still cold. Something terrible must聮ve happened here! (He decides it聮s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)


My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)


Yeah, I聮d love to but I聮ve tried that so many times they won聮t even let me in the store anymore.


(excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?


That聮s awesome! That聮s great! What made you do it?!


I thought I broke Joey聮s chair! That聮s why I replaced it with mine!


Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?


I聮m gettin聮 my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel聮s.)


Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn聮t broke a chair, is me!


So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!


What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!


(To Monica) She聮s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.


No Rach, it聮s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn聮t that much fun.


Ross, a sports car? Wouldn聮t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?


(To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica聮s gonna be here any minute!


(frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It聮s not named for each individual man.


Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can聮t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can聮t believe that you would have a tux that聮s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller聮s shoulder.)


Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)


Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)


(getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what聮s going on.


Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!


Okay, here聮s the thing. We聮re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you聮re drunk.


(laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.


That聮s still yours. Okay, now remember it聮s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.


Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.


See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who聮s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who聮s standing next to him.)


Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you聮re doing great. You聮re doing great. You聮re doing fine.


(To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn聮t want her parents to know she聮s drunk.


(To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!


For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!


(to a waiter) Oh that聮s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.


(To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don聮t talk to anyone.


I think it聮s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)


Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.


Do you think you could get through a poem?


Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)


So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!


Y聮know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You聮re half Scottish right?"


If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.


Oh no thanks. I don聮t like any thing from my Scottish heritage.


Well it聮s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by聟Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)


We heard you play all the way from your apartment!


That聮s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don聮t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.


Easy for you to say; you聮ll be wearing a veil.


You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?


Sorry, I just don聮t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he聮s thinking, "Yeah, I聮d do her too!"