A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:Then why did you eat him?”


Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit


I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.


IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT. IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.


3 kangaroos walk into a bar "Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.


What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!


A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”


Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.


There was a power cut at my house so I started talking to my family.... .... Turned out to be nice people.


i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.


A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it.


The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.


What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo.


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man... But the truth is, we are The Expendables.


Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind.


I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, " It's not what it looks like!" To which I replied, "your honor!"


Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.


My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts" "Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".


If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?


The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun. Almost as big as your mom.


What do ISIS and anime fans have in common? They both get hot and bothered over cartoons.


Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon.


I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass.


My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest


I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.


If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB


To all my Redditor friends observing the holy month of Ramadan... ...Lunch is on me.


Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.


Yo mamma's so fat They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.


Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.


A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?


Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.


What do a country hotel and a tight pair of pants have in common? There's no ballroom.


An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."Chinese: "Me too."American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker


My Hindu friend is very peaceful. He has never had beef with anyone.


I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store. Big mistake.


I went to a stand up about mountain climbing I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes


A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia


Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate? It caused a huge traffic yam.


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


I saw a guard slacking and he was surprised to see me. I think I caught him off guard.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Pam: "We're hoping our interview seals the deal." Jim: "If not, there's always the army...the infantry."


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.


The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection.


I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green.


I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy


A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts... "...Just pretend it's a chicken."


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.


What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.


Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."


Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt? It was a huge cat ass trophy


“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”


A friend said my sense of humor was so dark... that is was like a black hole.  Not even a light pun could escape it.


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...


My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned. The master baiter.


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


The boredom of self isolation. Day (9) Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.


At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them.


Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?


Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant... Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction


You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good, but it's actually enticing!


Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites.


After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”


What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise.


Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer


As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?


How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints


what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.


A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me "Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"


Posting about Covid-19 on the Internet..... Seems to have gone viral.


My social life is like an oxygen mask Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face


My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.


I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.


In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008. What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?She will file for divorce.And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?He'll have the White House repainted.


I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to."To change a light bulb" he replies."Won't that be difficult?" I ask."Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".


What do you call it when a rapper attacks a loved one? beats by Dr. Dre


Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing


In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.


I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.


My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go


My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.


I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.


What is the highest religious authority among oranges called? The Pulp.


The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: “Well, I guess now you really are… independent".


Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens." A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.


You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space.


Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them They're mostly old and white.


How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.


I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.


February 14th... a day I get something that starts with "A" and ends im "al"... .... a nice meal.


My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.


Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well... I'll see my self out.


Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt.


I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential


You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom? You're peeing


A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


What's the definition of "relative humidity"? That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.(Too rude?)


Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


Santa most definitely passed No Nut November He only comes in December.


My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.


In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.


My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull.


Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela


Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con.


You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.


My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”“What are you talking about?” she asked.I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”


What's Forrest Gump's internet password? 1forest1


A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.""Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?""Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


A man got a job in Ireland... A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move. The day before they were to leave, she asked him,"Are you sure about this?"He tried to clam her down, saying"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."


Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait.


Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?


How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!


Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong.


Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock? It destroyed the Governor's mansion.


Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS


All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...


Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.


Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously? He was tired of doing comic strips.


Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort. Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.


What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat.


Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown


What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin


Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS.


My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.


Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that... Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.


What is ben Shapiro’s favorite book? Mad Libs


I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.


My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.


Dick is like hair ties You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!


Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.


A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass. Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”


Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."


Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


Cow or bull? A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... "This milk tastes funny"


I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border. I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.


So I bought a burglar alarm. Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.


What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs


My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio Jumping to conclusions


A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."


I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC


Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid


Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even.


What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER


My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.


People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, "I have no egrets."


An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?


In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet But I did not in hail


What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising 2. Under-delivering


There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


You burn 26 calories a minute kissing. That's probably why I'm overweight.


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency? Bahtman.Or is it The Bahtman?


What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents.


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Ethereal(A cereal)I'm proud of this joke


Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him.


I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus. I'm a cross dresser.


Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich? He wanted jingle down economics to take place


What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.


Why did the blonde open a bottle of milk in the supermarkt? Because it says: Open here


As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China.


Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)


Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens.


What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na


Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]


After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana.


What karate move are pigs known for? Pork chop


When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”


Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall


Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.


Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet.


What game do fascists like to play? Nahtzee.


Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do. I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.


Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs... Bill Cosby 30 KOs.


We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.” It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt.


Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab.


So I work at a hospital doing circumcisisions It pays horribly, but at least I get to keep the tips.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero.


Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind.


What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak.


What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!


What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!


A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"


A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry. I call it*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*


What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño.


We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...." "Stairs don't talk!"


I tried to fix my shovel today, but I just couldn’t handle it.


[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it "The Oregon Trail".


There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba.


3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down.


Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian


My school had a mental health fair But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.


My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”


How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!


new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)


Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you


February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10.


What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake? Sew?Tip your waitresses


I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone It was my way or the Huawei.


Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates.


What did the roman dad name his fat newborn? Voluminous.


Your in a cucumber right now. The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be.


Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.


I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad.


Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**


Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?


A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.


How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events? About a quid each


My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton... ...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."


Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.


I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?" she replied "It isn't in yet" I said "Yeah, that's the one!"


What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check? A pardon.


There was a ninja who attacked people with high-powered semen. No one would ever see him coming.


I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance.


What do you call two similar looking pair of breasts? Identities.


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse


What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood? Not a dam thing.


I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..." It's just clique bate.


Life is like huffing butane... first you huff the butane, then you die


I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed.


Why does God tell temperatures only in Kelvins and not Celsius or Fahrenheit? Because God's words are absolute.


The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"


What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up Mashing


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama.


What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off


What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned


What is the most calming scent? Chloroform


I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together


Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!


What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare? Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it.


What do you call a horny square? Erectangle


What's dead, brown, and covered in sand? Shamima Begum's kids.


How to you call a pig missing both hind legs? A ham-putee.


Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers: Riceless


Is that you, Mr. Mosquito? In the flesh!


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.


Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#


I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door. I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.


I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought "well, I can't turn that down".


What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!


A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus


I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life


What's the fastest form of communication? Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.


What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.


What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum


I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.


Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity.


Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent.


It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history But I can Samurais it.


What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.


I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.” She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.


My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads.


What do a computer and a shark have in common? They both have megabites


The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys.


Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”


What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds? Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone


This is a top secret message This is a bottom secret message


Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.


What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man.


What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.


How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks.


Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos


When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman" But when I do it I'm "gay".


An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem.


I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”


I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist.


My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting" then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"


Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!


Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin.


A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks "What's so funny?""Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.""Care to share?""Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it".


I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment. Hopefully it works out in my favor.


Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor.


I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!


Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.


[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing


A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.


I went for a job interview and got offered the job as a fisherman but turned it down as the net pay wasn't good


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K


What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance


Where do bees stay while on vacation? Air Bee and Bee


If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all.


How does a snowman make you laugh? It gives you an icetickle


Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho


Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes? Because everything is already 100% recycled.


I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them


People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.


If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside.


I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... "Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?""My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."


i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: "what's school safety?"


My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive.


What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.


Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough.


I bought your book "How to scam people on Internet"... ...and I still haven't received it.


A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"


Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


What do you call a chicken that is a ghost? a poultrygeistIll be taking my downvotes in advance thanks


If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes.


How do you make number one disappear? You flush.


I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts.


Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped? He was invest-Ted.


Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it


Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme? Now it's practically invisible.


I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move.


My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.


My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie.


April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”


A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"


What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA


My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in.


A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors.


What sort of chicken caught the sun? Tannedoori.


A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test." The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"


What did the orange say to the door? Mind if I squeeze in?Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.


How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume? Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.


I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health I should sit on a chair.


What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


All vampires keep their money in a special place-the blood bank.


My son screeched, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!? What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


What happened to the couple who didn't pay their exorcist? Their house got repossessed.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.


What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry


Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"


An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme But it was multi level carpeting.


What do you call an artist who loves making stew? Stewart.


Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)


Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirit.


A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic.


My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors


Dating a female tennis player is always a good idea. They've got good aces.


What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother? Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.


How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


Three kittens are on a sloping roof... Which one slides down the slowest?The one with the highest μ


I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence. I saw them advertised on my Facebook.


What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds? Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.


Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea


Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises? Because Russia loves dick-taters.


Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking? Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.


The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?""No your Highness," the man replied, "but my father was."


I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it.


Why did God create war? So that Americans could learn geography.


Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States? Because Missouri loves company


A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business The detective working the case walks in and says"I can see straight through your roos mate"


Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.  They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"


I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?


Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....


I made a chicken salad for dinner last night. But he didn’t eat it.  Maybe I used too much dressing.


My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog.


I threw my wife a surprise bukake party Everyone came. You should have seen her face.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits... And not eggs


A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”


Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air? Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<


What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size


Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too.


What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!


What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!


I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes


What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint


Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!


Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.


Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.


Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.


Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go.


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrr."


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech. In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.


A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood. He really had to shell out for that place.


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."


Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother."Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.""Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him." Johnny then frowned."I was sitting on Daddy's lap"