The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


I have a major sweet tooth. It's the black one.


I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark, help!” I just laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.


How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware.


When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors.


Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast? He didn't know which one to talk about first.


Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...


Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven? Because of all the violins.


Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense


My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses.


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart.


A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says: "I'll take five beers"


How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print


How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser? It Torah hole in the atmosphere!


Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day.


If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it.


The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all "blinded by the light"


A grandmother said to her grandson, "The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."


I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar. "Do you want me to show you a good time?" she asked."Of course, babe," I grinned eagerly."Get your stopwatch out then," she snapped, "and see how long it takes me to get to the other side of the club."


I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks.


What comes after tossing Caesar's salad? Caesar dressing


What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass? A protein sheikh.


A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait


What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion? Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.


What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)


I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.


Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.


Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......


A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!” His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”


I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.


Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit.


Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care. So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies: “Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”


The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself.


Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!


I recently started learning to play the violin, and I think my neighbor enjoys it. I assume he's throwing bricks through my windows to hear me better.


Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000 **Papa John:****Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes **Papa John:** And that's...**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas


not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.


Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How many kittens does it take to paint a house? That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.


A packrat decided to make a nest in my car's muffler. By the time I got to the mechanic the poor bugger was exhausted.


I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease. I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.


A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


Cattle feed shopping Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended. However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.


I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.


Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...


I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.


Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work It takes balls.


What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.


My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.


My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo


Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)


You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere


Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?


I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession, Good thing I suck at self deprecation.


You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes. A lot of them are really offensive.Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.


What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.


Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on


How will you know if a shrine works? It became a tourist destination


What do you call a monkey questioning their sexuality Bicurious george


A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween... So I murdered his parents


2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark


My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”


I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it.


Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year


My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020.


A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray


How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   .


There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu.


My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me.


What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased


I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.


My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate. She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


I have pictures of girls showing their tits. I keep them on my flash drive.


I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage. Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.


What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept.


If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless


TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia... otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.


What was the epileptic chefs special menu item? Seizure Salad.


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.


Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


I have a clean conscience - it's never been used.


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It's the only way to get your feet in.


What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes, the baby is born. Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news. Lady: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: your baby has red hair.Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!Doctor: It's stillborn


My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health. He's always had one foot in the rave.


What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.


You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.


What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag


An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... "Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.  "You are right!" responds the alien. "See you on Thursday!"


What did the color say to the other color? I love hue.


30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.


All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo


How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates.


At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." . He enquired, " With whom?"I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."


A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of? Glass


What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common? You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.


Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced


Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear. So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."


My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist. It turned out to be a great diss appointment.


I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right. It was a fitting room.


Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten. Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”


My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.


First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards. After we build up a tolerance, I can’t wait to try what Reddit scientists are cooking up as the next praise drug.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.? Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line


Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.


Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!” He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


What did Bill Gates do at his foundation that he couldn’t at Microsoft? Prevent viruses.


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


Why is the German writer always starving? Because he is paid by the word.


Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out? Because they took Pita on them


What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic


What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.


Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.


I heard the best geography joke today... I would tell you but you had to be there.


How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...


Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house...


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


What's your New Years resolution? Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.


Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.


What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions.


Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!


What is a dinosaurs favourite deodorant REXona


A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina" The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"


This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative. And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them.


A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work... ... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak."Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper."Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."


I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.


How many IT support guys does it take to change the light bulb? Zero. They just switch it off and on a few times and it works like new


What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts


The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer


A time traveler goes to eat. After his meal, he notices he's still hungry. He goes back four seconds


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.


I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers... because they all sucked.


What's a pirate's favorite letter? Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.


Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match? A: He yelled "Food fight!"


I bought a generic frosted flakes box... THEYYYYYY'RE......alright, I guess.


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


Why does my mother call my father "10 millimeter?" Because he disappeared just as fast as the socket


My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


A goat walks into a bar The bartender says, "eh, I've seen greater."


What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please.


That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.


The purpose of propellers on an aircraft are to fan the pilot When they stop turning, the pilot starts sweating.


What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!


After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES


Robot-Hitler was arrested for killing his creator today. He was charged with battery.


Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?


Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.


A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged


A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long That's when I realized, something was afoot


A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"The man replies, " like a glove."


The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says "Bon Atrophy"


Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


What's the difference between jam and jelly? My office printer doesn't jelly every time I try to print :(


How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? You pull down you pants and show him your nuts.


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.


How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China? Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working


Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane? Turned out to be the 'swine flew'


A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Cat jokes #10 Why does a tiger tell the truth?Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree?Because it was... read more


What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant? A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.


Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.


A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired.


We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man.


Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”


Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January.


I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'"


Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How do you throw a space party? You planet.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem.


A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.


My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary.


What are some concepts of jokes that work in another language, but not in english? In danish, if you keep saying the word "amen", it becomes our expression of "yummy".Which means as a silly joke, you could make a religion that praises food, and instead of ending a prayer with amen it goes "amenamenamenam" aka. "Yum yum yum yum"


I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes. I guess that makes him a small medium at large...


We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough.


I took the road less travelled by But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost


When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this... Iran


Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”


Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism? To a Hannibal Lecture.


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime.


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, "Aren't you going to help?". The man says no five should be enough.


What do a therapist and a septic engineer have in common? They both get paid to deal with your shit.


Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions


In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”


I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.


What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender


Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.


How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   .


[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.


One fine day Husband : Today is a fine day.Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?Husband : You had said it once, "One fine day, I'll leave this house"..


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke I thought it was Malarious.


Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors. 11 secrete herbs and spices


My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.


My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.


What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya *^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*


My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!


Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)


My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese


Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.


What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights.


So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra.


3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down.


Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine? They discovered they could make alcohol out of them


Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested. It’s called Reddit.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone


If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes.


Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools.


I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg


Most people call it grave robbing... I prefer to call it crypto-currency


Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.


What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? "You're a real gem."


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan? Minefeld.


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


What do you call an upvote that changes colors ? A karma chameleon


My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday. Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”


Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.


Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows? They’re making “headlines”


I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.


Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure


Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there.


A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.


My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..." And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."


Thanks Google Nest.... I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol


This hot weather... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay.


The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first. Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!


What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo. Yeah, he’s probably coming from a hare dresser.


What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums? I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.


Hot actors are like hot ovens It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.


Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him.


What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat


Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."


What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm


What’s a sure sign your lover has crabs? They want to fuck you sideways


Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.


Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck? It’s a long one.


A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, "Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?" She searches her computer and says, "I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet."The man says, "Yes, that's the one!"


A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet. Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”


I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved.


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee


Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie? A: William Chatner!


According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal


What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly? Toot Uncommon


My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."


Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..." "You'll need to have utensils taken out."


You know, I always liked period jokes. The only thing is, the entrance is always bloody.


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.


If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.


Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.


What did the law student do to his mother when he couldn’t become a judge? He embarister.


If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do.


A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice."


A man enters a butcher's shop The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."


2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember


What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes


I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


I told this gamer chick... You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man? She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.:rimshot:


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.