Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash


I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.


Did you know the oval office is full of money? There's a wad of bill's under the desk


"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?" "My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"


What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places.


Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit.


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house. Police are looking into it. And are preparing a probing investigation.


A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars."Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"


I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.


For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.


After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu. "Can I ask you something?" I said."Certainly," he replied.I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.


There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"


So tired of all these restrictions... I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants.


If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak? Either way, he'd be pissed


People are quick to judge crowds at bars after reopening.. It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions.


I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke.


My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him... "You are what you eat."I've been a d*ck ever since.


My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.


A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four." "Oh, looks like one is still riding"


I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents


A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness." Son replys "Dad I'm over here."


They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!


Studies show that more Americans watch television... than any other household appliance.


Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.


Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke


Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies.


There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection... Aloe darkness, my old friend.


Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.


Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... "May the 4th be with you"


One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"


If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow.


What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band


What is an owl’s favorite board game? Guess Who?


I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine. Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata. (Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)


My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way


Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night


How are pooping at someone else's house, and a first date the same? You really hope both *go down*.


What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.


A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.


So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"  The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie


I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night.


No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops... But toucan!(First post here, hope you like it.)


Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax


I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.


"Just look at that couple down the road," a wife told her husband. "He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that?" "Are you insane?" he responded. "I barely know the woman!"


Russ: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard." Clark: "It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room."


What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was ticked off.


What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes.


I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'


How was the handsome runner described? "Dashing."


"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'"


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Somebody just threw a bottle of perfume at me Eau fuck.


My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive.


I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it


What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table? Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?


My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism


Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance


A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean. They are all c foods.


What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.


I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day. But my patrons saw right through it.


What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hotdogs Relish today...And Ketchup tomorrow


If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.


What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John


What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch.


Did you hear about the Star Trek poetry night? It has it's Prose and Khan's.


In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said; "To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”


My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it.


What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)? Morose Code.


I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:” I’d pay to see that bloody shit.


Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week


A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.


Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car? He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins” Guy said “no,  I need you to be here faster.  It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”


Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww


A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators.. He now has a problem with squatters


You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)


Doctor: you'll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is


Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store? He couldn’t tolerate change.


What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone? Begonia!


I just couldn't decide which asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese. I ended up calling it a Thai.


A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.


Why did the non-binary prospectors head west? Because there was gold in them/their hills.


India is a very peaceful country. Because nobody has any beef over there.


There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.


What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function.


Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo


What did the doctor say to the ghost? You’re not getting enough exorcise


My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.


So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”


Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that" To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..


So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them. I call it the "Dad Abase."


I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations. It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.


A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’


In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more


What are the two steps to marrying a country girl? First; a tractor.Next; fertilizer.


A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.       The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.


As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”


What do you call an instigated collection of instruments? An inclination of 1080p music


How does Rapunzel keep cool in the summer? She uses her hAIR conditioner!


How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.


China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed


I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though, We have one song and it's band.


I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.


What's a library ? It's like the internet, but made of trees.


Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October


Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels...


I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks.


Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.


What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.


Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me." Hearing this the Russian smirked"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"


Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene... Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"


"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name?"Scissorhands"


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.


There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs.


Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!


Did you hear Trump is going back to television? Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.


A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have? Either a niece or a nephew.


Wrote a joke about a lizard to get some internet points. A Karma Chameleon.


"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."


Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....


I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?" I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."


Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool.


my dad tells a dad joke so i tell my dad "im cold" and he responds with "go stand in the corner its 90 degrees


Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.


“Take a card, any card,” the magician says. I take his credit card.


Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)


Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.


They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener.


Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now.


What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe


How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews.


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.


There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”


What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? "Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"


It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?"


Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring? He dyed.


The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!


What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.


You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?


What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned! He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage


A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.


“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”


A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says "I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."


I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine


I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest


A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... "Excellent son, good job!" The dad says. "I'd rate this 47/46."


How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin? Shallot.


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? because he wanted space


What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common? They are both in an advanced state of D composition.


What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’.


Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.


The orange asked the melon: "Hey, want to get married?" The melon said: "Sorry, I canteloupe"


Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels "you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"


I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending


Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong.


A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated.


This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed.


I have an amazing joke about Dragon Ball Z. Find out tomorrow on R/jokes!


Just this week an American astronaut voted from space... Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.


A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes: Oh my god. Who's bra is this NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.


I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius.


Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books? Because they look sketchy


I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place


What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus.


How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


What's the difference between a Halfing and a Hobbit? Copyright


When Kenny Loggins was vacationing in Israel, how did he get to Bethlehem? He took the Highway to the Manger Zone.


I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.


That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall


Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!


Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom? Without their P they're irate


How does a snowman make you laugh? It gives you an icetickle


What's the hardest thing about defenestration? the window


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny." *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*"I came straight home, of course!"*That's my good boy.*"Mom?"*Yes, my son?*"May I please have a penny?"


This year, thousands of children made Santa's Naughty List. How many children made the Nice List? 69,420


I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.


If cajuns yell "ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say? Ooh-mommy.


So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.


I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest


Who does a squirrel go to for confession? >!A chip-monk!<


What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER


Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show? I heard the Characters suck a lot


My uncle died from a turtle stampede It was a slow death


Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.


Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.


Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Flowers On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”


One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal.


My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine


Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!


What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses


I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die... Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?


My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.


My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.


The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant." They really loved ancient grease.


What are the 3 sizes of condoms? Small, medium and liar.


What's floating above a mass grave? Team spirit


If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)


Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets.


A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?""Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."


Why do angels smell so good? Because their scent from God.


What is a ghost's favourite exercise? Deadlifting


If R-Kelly was a computer file He'd be a .pdf file


I bought a book on feng shui. I read it, but now I don't know where to put it.


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.


Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.


I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all


John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night. Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever.


My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide


The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever


Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat.


I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons.


What does my dad and a large crowd have in common? Never seen them since 2019


A couple of weeks ago I went to buy a pair of my favourite sandals only to find they were sold out.Imagine my joy when I went in today to find they were Birkenstock.


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“ I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”


What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit.


Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)


One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'.


Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriendCredits ~ Anthony Jeselnik


I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat I'm already on stage 4


I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years. No one told me life was gonna be this way.


I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist


Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”


How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist? Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.


What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.


Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems' She'll ovary act


I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam. He said , I'm your mum.


I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?


I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval... I mean seriously, it’s pointless.


What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)


I’ve started to invest in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.


A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says. Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?


I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal. I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'


Somebody just threw a bottle of perfume at me Eau fuck.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish.


A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? "Let's try a different angle."


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't.


My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.


Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.


I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east He told me prophets were going through the roof


A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit "I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".


Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.


Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S. But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright.


An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?""Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."


I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.


I was driving with my backdoor open. To close it, I accelerated at speedbumps. That way the door will close from the shock.  I got fired because the patient fell from the ambulance...


Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights


My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain... ...he received a precipitation trophy


What do you call a long line of LGBT people An LGBTQ


Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?


What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”


Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry.


I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire


How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was.


I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.


There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles.


So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong... Killed 'em both.


I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum". Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my Vinyl resting place


China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.


Why do they play baseball games at night? Because the bats are asleep during the day.


What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad.


The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.


Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)


A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"


I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread


Why did the unvaccinated child buy a motorcycle when he was 3 years old? Midlife Crisis


Why was the cow in therapy? Because of his low moooooood


During the Coronavirus Pandemic the government gave all MPs a £10k increase on the expenses they can claim..... Don't those Wankers know Pornhub is free just now?


What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class? The Alpha Bet.


Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team. Props to him


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it


What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone "Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."


Is this pool safe for diving  It deep ends.


I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.


Why did the broken printer become a rockstar? Because it liked to jam all the time


What does the ghost of a panda bear eat? Bambooooo.


What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce? Chicken sees a salad


What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes


What did the toupee say to the hat? Cover me, I’m going on ahead.


Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo


TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it's not polite to fish and tell.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.


Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


If the early bird gets the worm, then I think I'll just sleep in.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.