I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis


My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


I'm with the CIA, AMA! But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit.


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night


What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.


What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saurus


I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"She : "Let's see how this date goes first"


To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?


It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well


What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing? About 200 years


Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!


My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"


What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice.


What did the pickle do when it won the championship? He just stood there to relish the moment.


Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents.


Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.


My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask. The Darwin Award.


Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes


The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection.


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


I’ve never tipped a cow. But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.


Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.


What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.


Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long


Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!


What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail? Junk mail


Girl are you gorilla glue? Cause I can’t get you outta my head


What does a samurai do when he fails a math class? He commits Sudoku.


It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard


Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language) A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"


If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?


I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....


Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


A country in the middle east faced an uprising and the military had to take control of the government They say the country's under Mash-allah


Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales


Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail? He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.


What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A  tourist


One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered... How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?


Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back.


What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!


Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word


i showed my mom my D and she was not happy she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+


Chemistry Poem Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain.


What color is a mirror? It depends who you ask


This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge? The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.


Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.


My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 Little old lady.
 Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!


A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park. He was feeding them to his dog.


I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau


Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.


Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?


Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.


I hate the stigma around mental health Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.


I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown. It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down.


What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**


Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.


Why are family trees not used in alabama Because they end up being more like a family tumbleweed.


I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”


I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes


My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.


Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard


What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre.


A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.


Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!


In America police dogs are K9 In China they are E10.


Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero It's called the "0K Boomer"


I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer.


The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long... It has lasted for one Tool song.


What’s long, hard, bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i and s? A spine


Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war.


A policeman arrives at the crime scene "Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?""Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.""How do you know that?""He told me as he was running off."


Squirrels don’t have children.... They ALWAYS swallow the nut.


A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.


I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now.


John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!


TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts


I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it.


What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding


I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use... 2B or not 2B


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!


What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?""No your Highness," the man replied, "but my father was."


It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news.


I played an April Fool's joke on my parkour team this morning. They all fell for it.


After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks Never mind, I'm in the red again.


The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.


What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese? Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank


Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case.


In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country.


Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."Darth Vader  shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."


How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army.


What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician? Violins is not the answer.


What do you call a family tree in Alabama? A family wreath.


A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions"Name?""Hans Schmidt""Age?""32""Place of birth?""Dusseldorf""Occupation?" "No, jus... read more


On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.


Me and a friend were eating Shrek's baby for dinner. My friend thought the meal was great. Myself, I thought it was a little meaty ogre.


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road. I asked him "what's the word on the street?"


I wish Reddit had read receipts... so I can see who I just disappointed


Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs


As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany." "Son," I said  "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"He looked at me and replied "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"


i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary. she went out with a wimple and not a bang.


So I went to do my driving test high on lsd I passed with flying colors!


Tiger Woods has really picked up his game He used to only flip his golf club


I could never work at a Subway… Couldn’t work at a place where’s its “appropriate” for someone to walk in and ask for a 6 inch Italian.


What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity


Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.


I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)


Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid. My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.


60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for... Coronavirus for president!


My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.


In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old.


The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".


A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?” The bartender says, “Y, long face.”


An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?""Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."


Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back.


new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)


A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.


Any tips on removing ice from my windshield? I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.


Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year.


I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks... My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'


Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like... trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.


What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights.


I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.


Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won.


I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops


Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced


I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to DRAG ON and on


Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady. Me: You are bi-den?


My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple Apparently I’m Plum Crazy


How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)


A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."


I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus


I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me. It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.


What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.


"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches" Where?"1 o'clock"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!


I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park I guess he had a licence to grill


Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though I still struggle to get her husbands voice right


Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first.


A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks. Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"


WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT. IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!// THE POLICE


Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed


When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant


What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little.  (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)


What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad? Absent-tea parent.


Why did the printer have wet ink? Because it couldn't control P


My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'


I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day.


My friend fell off his motorcycle He has brain damage and two broken arms. Why the fuck would anyone let him try to ride in that condition is beyond me...


What did the network/IT man say to the doctor? IT hertz when IP.


A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps" Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower""Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps""Oh I'm sorry""Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"


To-do list of the pink panther To-do  To-do  Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo


A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.


Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.


A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.


Circumcision jobs don't pay much But you get to keep the tips


I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket.


"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler." "I'm sorry?" "I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!" "My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?" "He choked on it."


I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words." And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."


What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!


I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.


2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet.


People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude.


I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet I said, "you can't be serious"He said, "I shit, you knot"


If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?


Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner


What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone? Begonia!


Why does Santa call his workshop elves the Avengers? Because the Avengers assemble


A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, "ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!""HEY!" someone yells out.  "You watch your mouth!""Why?" the guy challenges.  "Are you a lawyer?""No, I'm an asshole!"


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID It was acute


A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\*


What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)


Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists.


what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.


What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor.


My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did that, I didn't even KNOW it was her birthday!


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly


Boss shows up at a job site Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."


A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell.


Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene... Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"


Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury


What do dogs do after finishing training classes ? They get their masters.


On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?


My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock.


(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!


Do you know why the earth sucks? Gravity


What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic


How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor.


If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called? Floridians


What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.


I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa


It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!


Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes? Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate.


The orange asked the melon: "Hey, want to get married?" The melon said: "Sorry, I canteloupe"


I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women It's real thick to hide the bruises


I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them.


A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."


I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.


Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?” “Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”


I don’t know why the color purple gets such bad reviews? It made me blue when I red the comments.


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. "5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained. "Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."


What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts


"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. "What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge."Fu***ng looking for me."


Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game. Word is, now they’re looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man... But the truth is, we are The Expendables.


Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.... Either way, the silver bullets work.


The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)


My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom


It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?


Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint


Cargo Space So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, "cargo space?". The dealer replies "car no do that. car go road."


What do ghosts call their true love? Their ghoul-friend


The man who invented the television remote control passed away today They found him at home between the couch cushions.


How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)


Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)


The popularity of origami has increased ten fold.


A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face! The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue. There was a presumption of Guinness hints.


Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar?


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner


Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.


Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.


Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.


What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares.


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!


The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…


Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.


Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation


I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me. Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.


What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Depends on the amount of foreplay.


I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.


A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents.


I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me


What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl.


My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )


The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks


What would happen if Uranus collided with earth? It would be a pain in the ass.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!


I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes" ... haven't gotten a gig yet though.


Saw people having an argument on their canal boat. Bit of argy bargy.


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him “Are you the friar?”He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


How to catch a bear Dig a hole and fill it with ash. Surround the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.


Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle? Because its very complementary!


For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once.


What is Mike Tyson's favorite element? None of your Bismuth


Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....


Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this.


Whats a Republicans favorite instrument? A Trumpet


Why do iPhone have a great sense of humor? Because they crack up easily.


I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee.


Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.


Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret


My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide


The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection.


Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass. Just abominable.


2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win.


When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!


What's a bungee jumper's least favorite app? Discord


What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer.


My cow saves every scap of usable material. He's recyclebull


COVID-19 is like a check engine light, at first you're like, "fuck, this is terrifying" But after a while you'll be like, "fuck, I need to get to work!"


There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.


I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.


I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward.


Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.


What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator.


What member of the A-Team has a bachelor's degree? B.A. Baracus


Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.


My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts" "Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".


What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days? None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain


President Trump is so good at creating jobs. He even just recently opened up a job in Iran. I heard they’re looking for a new General


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.


What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.


Two fish are in a tank. One says, How do you drive this thing?'


What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down.


What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.


What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can't open windows in space.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.