My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive.


Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge... Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.


When the doc says I need to cut back on sodium, I take it with a grain of salt.


I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican... At the Jerk Festival.


I asked the lion in my closet what it was doing there. He told me it was Narnia business.


"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace." "Really? That old chestnut?


Einstein developed a theory about space... And it was about time too.


What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group? A Carpe D.M


Santa's Workshop What kind of music do elves listen to?Wrap.


A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab, and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."


What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.


Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps? He wanted to build some schools.


What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning


I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.


A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"


My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!! It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house


What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.


Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.


A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars? WOMAN: yeah, sure.  MAN: How about for 10 dollars?  WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!  MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.


My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.


Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"


My uncle picked me up from school during recess today! My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!


It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now.


All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!


A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.  On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...


I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho


Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way.


Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time


What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe? You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.


Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample." Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!


I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.


Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits.


What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, How long have you suffered from that condition? The guy tells him, Since next Monday.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John. Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.


P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit


Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam


There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.


Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears.


Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.


A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it.


What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke.


If you’re a furry, and get turned on by chickens Are you a Hen-Thigh enthusiast?


Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday...


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


Masturbation hurts. Signed, Edward Scissorhands


What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...


Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.


Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized.


An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: "Name?"Tourist: "Andrew"Security: "Residency"Tourist: "Idaho"Security: "Occupation?"Tourist: "No No, just visiting"


Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: "Dude, i think we're being followed."


Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point.


Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love... They all live in de-Nile


I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”


I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!! Oh shit. It’s just Bud Light, I’m ok.


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.


A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, “are you an orphan?”The kid replies, “yes I am.  What gave me away?”The guy says, “obviously, your parents”


Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly.


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"She : "Let's see how this date goes first"


I am very concerned about the environment One look and I can tell those trees are up to something.


What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand


There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"


The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives.. Car owner virus


Two mushrooms were talking politics. One mushroom said “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”The other said “Thats a shiitake.”


My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn


me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers


What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War.


what are cows knees called? burger joints


What language do Asian Karen's speak? Demandarin.


Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama


My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss.


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man


Butter Crabs? I love everything about her Butter Crabs


In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions” It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.


My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!


Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ? Never forget


My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap.


Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?


What's a pirate's favorite letter? Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.


I have some fine parking skills. I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.


What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard? Shoot again.


Why did the football team pay in cash? They needed a quarterback.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'"


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."


Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents.


I asked my friend what gift I should get him. He said, "All I want for Christmas is my one front tooth." Man, Tom Cruise is so easy to shop for.


A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.


When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said "you may not feel anything from the waist down." So I fondled her tits.


Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!


Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard.


What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam.


If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry.


What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW) GatorAIDS.


Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him. They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.


What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal


Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died? At his funeral they lowered the casket....Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.


A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama. He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"


Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS.


So a time traveler meets George W Bush... Time Traveler: "What year is it?"George Bush: "2001"TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"GB: "Before"


PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman. I was almost kidnapped three times today.


A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef


Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new.


what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke.


Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass.


This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019 Edit: \*2020


Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies.


Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.


Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday? The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit.


What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony.


"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.


I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year Wear a mask!!!


A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...


What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan? Anorexic


My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


Why didn't Edward get on the plane? Cause it was snowed-in.


One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble. But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"


A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted.


Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory


What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty.


A salad was arrested for public indecency... I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.


How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel


I took some fiber supplements today Good shit.


What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.


You were expecting perfume... But it was me, Deo!


Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done.


What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement.


Donner with my boss I had dinner last week at my boss house, his wife offered me roasted potatoes she said " how many potatoes do you want?" i said "one please" she said "you don't have to be polite", "one, you fat bitch" wasn't the proper answer


I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case


A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.


A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents.


How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they can't reach that high


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.


A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot. But that's the last thing I need.


"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink. So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead. I think they're trying to PIN something on me.


customer: excuse me where can i find your selection of dildos? clerk: in the peen aisle


Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌


My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble... Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!


What do you call a knight made entirely out of china? Sir Ramic


WARNING: Tiger King Spoilers Will make your car look stupid.


After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one.


Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie.


Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!


A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'


If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?


I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people.. ..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers.


A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."


"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother. "But at least I do not have Leukemia"


Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators.. He now has a problem with squatters


My operating system just deleted half my files. I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.


A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*


I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed.


Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  I see food and I eat it


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok he woke up.


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.


I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.


39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though


What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA? Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters.


Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.


TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is...


Why were they called "the dark ages"? Because it was knight time.


There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me. I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.


So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.


I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.


If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless


What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss.


Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it." That's just generally speaking.


Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love


Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.


I Squash soft drink cans for a living It's soda pressing


I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man


Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.


Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!


I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window.


Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem He thought nobody important was out to get him


Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it.


What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again.


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork


Who led the Israelites through the selectively permeable membrane? Osmoses


Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events? Because they have BTSD.


At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could. A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."


What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties.


I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance. I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals.


To all those considering doing the "Kiki Challenge" please remember... You should never Drake and drive


I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans


Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales


I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content


What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan


Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!


A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"


I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted. Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.


How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms.


Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.


Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year


I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.


I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce.


I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken.


I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend Unstable


A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says "I get off at 6."The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."


Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!


A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more


What does your mum and Jupiter have in common They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment...And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons


A perfectionist walked into a bar Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.


How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet.


I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium. When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.


A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.


What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive? Sad Dan


I said to the woman in front of me on the bus... “Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”


Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.


A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”


How was the first digital sound created? Someone snapped their fingers.


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.


The shame about ancient Grecian art... The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite.


The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.


As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy


A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says "That was quick!""You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man."Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers "no money."


People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment. So I shot that stupid eagle.


I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.


Monica: "Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." Chandler: "How do you find clothes that fit?


What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.


Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish.


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.


What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.


Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny


It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy.


Finally a documentary full of watches, hourglasses, and sundials. It's about time.


I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”


I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican... At the Jerk Festival.


I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory.


What's the difference between a rental car and a Jeep? There are some places you wouldn't take a Jeep.(I mean taking it off road and abusing it)


Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.


The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers" I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.


Why did the jelly roll? Because it saw the apple turnover!


Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed


Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.


[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop masturbating." Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?" Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."


Roses are red, violets ain't black Your mamma's chest, is as flat as her back.


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.


The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.


Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.


Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.


The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently.


What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece


Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”


What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass


What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street? You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭


What did the fisherman stream? A rodcast.


The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.


A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide. Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"


What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics? A debate and switch.


How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet


Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.


Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly.


How do you turn a spoon into a fork? Open up the drawers.


What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew.


Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today


Four people, each of them being from different professions define a kiss. Mathematician: 2 divided by nothing.Physicist: Expansion of the heart and contraction of the lips.Marketing specialist: A thing which is profitable when returned back.Economist: A thing which is high in demand but low in supply.


Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob. Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.


The surgeon's first circumcision was tricky. Eventually, the surgeon managed to pull it off.


A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.


The Abominable Snowman is sad because everyone runs from him when he tries to make friends.... Yeti still tries :)


If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy


My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem. I think he's very wrong.Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.Edit: thank you for the titanium kind strangerEdit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!


Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.


I just had a power outage during sex. What a turn off.


My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad. My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid." They both started laughing.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt... Damn mosquito!!!


Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD? To install the windows.


Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period? They say she has a mean flow.


I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook. I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina.


I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business


My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors.


"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating Instead people should say  "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before


Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents


"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?" "You are not like the other girls, Dave."


Why should you never play poker with a crocodile? You will lose every hand.


Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria


We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)


What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!


[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing


The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle, until one of the sides mysteriously vanished.


My parents have the awesome super power of jumping..... to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about.


A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she askedI replied ‘Ask nicely!’


My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle.


I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”


I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.


What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!


A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?""I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.


What do you get when you cross a bear with a mountain lion? Killed. You get killed.


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!


I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings.


Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic? Because baggers can’t be choosers.


Why are white girls so odd? Because they literally can’t even


My friend brought a bag of air for $5 He was surprised it came with some chips inside


Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem He thought nobody important was out to get him


What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone


Saw a really nice steam train today. I was chuffed.


There's an Italian town where pasta is a currency A penne for their thoughts.


My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.


I was going to buy some classical music CDs... But I was too baroque.


Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\- Ah, this must be outside.


What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull? Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.


Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea


What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum


What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato? A trophy. Muscle atrophy.


Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.


How fast can Captain Underpants travel? The speedoflight.


I work security at a Samsung store. I guess you could say I’m... a gaurdian of the galaxy!


What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese


I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world! But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck. The Pug seems to like her.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.


What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.


What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices


My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2. I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me nowJason im sorry if u read this


What do you call a emo kid on vacation? A Tropical Depression


Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit


I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.


My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted. The judge told him.


Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank... Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named


What currency do you use to buy a cow? Moo-ney


What Reaper says when he is going to hair dresser? DYE DYE DYE!


So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?” The other replied, “More than you”.The sheer confidence he had


I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.


From my son: "knock knock" "who's there""owls say""owls say who"*meniacal smile*


The self isolation is keeping families united My dad finally returned home with the milk


My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ... She sells C cells by the seashore.


My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel? A clever dick


TIL that if you thank or reward someone for something before they do it, they feel obliged to do it thanks for the gold, stranger!


My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.


How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America. She actually got whirled peas.


Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.


Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today


Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.


What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle.


My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


Man goes to the cardiologist "So, how many beers do you have per day?" the cardiologist asked."Four," the man responded."But last time I said you could only have two!""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two."


My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum.


What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one *Watt


Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed.


What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi


I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.


I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.


In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.


My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!


This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea


I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.


Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to


what do you call two old people having sex? a slowpoke.


My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died... She got squashed by a giant crab.


Me: I must be out of my mind! Me: You and me both!


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.


Why is the German writer always starving? Because he is paid by the word.


It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing.


My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest.


I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!


Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary.


I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.


Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.


Shovels were a ground breaking invention... But dumbbells were an uplifting one.


Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday...


What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh.


Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.


Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.


I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park. The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis. ....So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.


I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.


Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di.


A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"


A man wins a lottery worth 1 Million dollars.On the same day, his wife asks him what would you do with the money if I left you today? He replied, "That's not possible, you cannot win 2 lotteries on the same day!"