This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!""That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy.


My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles. I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.


Need your eggs fertilized this Easter? I've got a cock for that.  Just needs grains 2x a day.


How do you know when it's time to change the channel? *"Previously on God Friended Me..."*


Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they... don't mean their asthma pump.


What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play.


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece


A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist


Life is like a diploma My parents keep telling me to get one.


A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square is... You. You're a square.


My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office... “I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose.  Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -““Stop right there”, I said.  “No need to sugar coat it.”


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."


Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security.


I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.


Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs? It’s about thyme!


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry What did the Chimney say to his son?You are too young to smoke


My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older! Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?


What do you call an Egyptian doctor? Cairo-practor.


Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have tortoise that in school.


My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well... I think they deserve a raise.


What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet? The answer might shock you...


My mum and dad used to make me keep my pocket money in a box under the stairs. I was 15 before I found out it was the gas meter.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." "Oh yeah?" the son retorts. "Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires. Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.


My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.


My friend says to me: "What rhymes with silver" I said "No it doesn't"


Why are writers really good at coding? Because they are really into Pro grammar.


I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida... ...you could say I have tropical depression.


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


A samurai’s wife asks him to go down on her He responded it’s Bushydo


Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.


How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.


Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!


The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.


How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*


Upon discovery of some sandstone deposits in a dried-up river, Mr. Watson questioned Sherlock Holmes on how he could be so sure it's sandstone. "Why, it's sedimentary, my dear Watson!"


My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-


My girlfriend is irreplaceable. Wish I kept the receipt now.


Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]


What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?


I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"


Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation.


I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class. When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.


As we were sitting down for dinner, my girlfriend told me, “I think we need to see other people... For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.” I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”


The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused. Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel.


Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.


When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results


How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print


"Tie me up." One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.


How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10." If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.


A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)


Why are most American men circumcised? Because its rude to have the hospital deliver you and not leave a tip


A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time


When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards? Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.


I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon


[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first? The one with the littlest mew.(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.


Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew.


What did Chris Nolan say after he got a movie idea? "Where's ma-co-caine? "


What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients


John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…


What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size? They were sole mates


What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics


Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit.


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?


I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”


"Knock knock!" who's there?"You!" You who? "YooHoo Big summer blow out!"


Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!


Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days.


If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.


What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? "No thanks, I'm traveling light!"


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


What do witches call their garage? A broom closet.


"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it."


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents...


The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle, until one of the sides mysteriously vanished.


The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.


Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe? It was bruja brew brouhaha.


I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.


My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen I feel like we’ll just take them for granite


A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.


A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910.


LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.


A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4


A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as yo mama lmao


Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March.


What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument? Qatar


What do you call a really dumb zipper? A zipshit.


All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.


*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic.


Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits.


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.


Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.


Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist.


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.


Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes? Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!


Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks? Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.Seriously though, fuck geese.


My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night


What do you call a guy who throws motorcycles? Hurley Davidson


Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow. Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.Capital of Germany? BerlinCapital of France? BerlinCapital of Russia? BerlinCapital of Poland? BerlinCapital of USA? TokyoCapital of China? TokyoHotel? TrivagoThat's my boy.


What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry? A cranberry.


I WENT to the bank and asked to open a joint account. The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?” I said, “With anyone who has money.”


My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup. Me: You don't need makeup.GF: Aww thanks Me: You need plastic surgery


When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it


I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, "Someone call him an ambulance!" So I yelled back "Hey dude, you're an ambulance!" and left. Hope he's ok.


Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect.


I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.


So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine? Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day.


What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!


I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens I passed with flying colors


What do you call cold Mexican food? A Brrrr-rito.Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.


Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.


I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."


What is H.P. Lovecraft's favorite streaming service? C'hulu!


I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car


Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.


Why did the guitarist get arrested? Copyright infringement


How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.


Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.


This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!


What did the alpaca say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do fisherman say on Halloween? Trick or trout.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself


I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like...


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!


Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped? He was invest-Ted.


What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER


my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum.


Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on


What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece? It’s all relative


There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba.


To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.


I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.


I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.


SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green


[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.


I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC


First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish


What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle


Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.


And infinite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender stops them and set 2 beers on the bar and says’ “You guys need to know your limits.”


Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke? It was no laughing matter...


A guy sees an attractive girl in a cafe and walks up to her... Without knowing what to say he stood still and just stared at her for a few seconds. After a while he said. "Are you sitting on the F5 key or something cause your ass is refreshing."


What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny


I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.


A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF...


I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.


My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.


Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime." "Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare."


Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears. As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?""Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."


I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."


What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners? Kangarude


I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.


Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam


Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure? Because he lactose


Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget? Because his son had four skins already.


I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses...


What do you call a small pole that can swim? A tadpole


Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?


Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.


Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.


What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing? Out of bounds.


Son: *crying* Santa isn't real! Me: of course he is!Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't comeMe: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then


What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease


One minute you're young and fun... The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.


What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.


Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.


What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked


Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Why is there so much security at a Samsung event? They are Guardians of the Galaxy.


Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK...


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


What happens when you attach stew to a blimp? Soup rise!


The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut.


Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day  2. 90 minutes of cardio  3. Take a cold shower  4. Journal  5. Schedule out your day  6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company  7. Meditate


Motel A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the porn be disabled. The woman yells at the man "you sick bastard! We only have regular porn here!”


a man stabbed his salad 23 times. he said it was a historical reenactment


I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation but it was a blast!


How does Gordon Ramsay discern a leopard from a jaguar? ITS FUCKING ROAR!


What has 800 legs and only 16 teeth? The queue at Primark on Monday.


We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.


A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls


So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease.


I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers. She didn't remember.


I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake. I said it Israel.


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


Hookers were prepared for the pandemic because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.


What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp


This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production.


Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere


As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold. But it's growing on me.


I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”


I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480.


Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.


Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct  == Dec


My wife's the only person I know that buys so much from Amazon that she needs two shopping carts.


What's the quickest way to discard an old bike? Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver.


What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O


What did the doctor say to the ghost? You’re not getting enough exorcise


How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle Candy Bars


My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas... He warped all the presents


Nothing ruins your Friday Like finding out it’s only Thursday.


What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.


What do you call an English man at a world cup final? A referee.


What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.


John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why? Because John was living under The Rock.


My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won.


A karate professional is shooting a movie scene He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? ""Yeah, but this is take one though. "


It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


A policeman knocked on my door. "I need a word with you right now.""OK," I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: "Got one...'sa*u*sage'."


Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather.


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


Hey baby, are you a library book? Because the authorities are telling me to return you.


A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”


I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage. It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.


On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush. I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.


The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? "Hand eeeeeyeeeee......"


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What did Drake say after passing gas? Farted from my bottom now it's clearBonus - Sharted from my bottom there's a smear


An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"


At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?


It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat.


When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]


I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over. They should have said it was a thermal scan!


What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman.. Snow balls


Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


Two mosquitoes go on a date. The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”


I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes.


I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly.


I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon


When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian.


Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."


Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator. Players just don't want lute boxes.


I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.


How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh? Nothing- It's on the house


How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk.


After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success


Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that


My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf I always knew he was in bread


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant.


My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters Mark my words!!


Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)


Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs.


I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.


Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face. I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.


In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said. Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.


Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago... ...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


Why couldn't the man find his mouse or keyboard? He had bad peripheral vision


I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad >!I was tossing all night!<


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


My dad has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban at the zoo.


After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party. It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.


My uncle got addicted to deli meat But I heard he quit cold turkey.


So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?


How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.I'm so sorry.


How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews.


What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.


My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way


I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation


The Horny Crab Two men are talking:"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps."what do you mean" asks the other one."I can't get out of Michelle".


Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.


What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner.


My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.