Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di.


Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons.


It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?


What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew Orange juice


Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.


I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert


Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood? It's a hare-raising tale!


A kid asks his mother: "how come im black and youre white?" She replies: "listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark."


Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea


What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, "I didn't know it was on fire."


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."


Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn't peeling well.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies.


A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover.


Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled.   They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream


Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass. Just abominable.


Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”


A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"The guy replies "yeah little heads too."


When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble... I’m his Hotline Zing!


If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin... I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.


Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.


I had so much fun doing surgery I might become a surgeon one day


Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court? No, not in this Dayan age.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.


The prices of memory on the internet are too goddamn high They just ram over my budget


My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”


Turns out having Rick Astley work at a video rental shop is a bad idea. We had a lot of complaints of him never giving anyone Up.


In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."


A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"


What do you call a rabbit that is closer to the sunrise than you? An East-er bunny


Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics.


I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus


An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?" "Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."


I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.


Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance? Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo.


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.


What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash? A rectangle


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye KNOT


What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speed runner


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


Our safe word Is flower. But she keeps saying flour.


It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"


Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice


Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge.


I like leaving receipts in my pockets It reminds me of when I had money.


I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.


I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre


A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically. It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.


Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.


What did the seal say to the sea turtle? Can you please scute?


What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle.


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


How does a scarecrow drink his juice? With a straw!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open.


What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell. Either way, I'm so full of shit.


What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children.


a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  "I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."


An accountant made a tinder, what’s in his bio? Gentleman in the streets, and a freak in the excel spreadsheets


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.


Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... "May the 4th be with you"


I told my doctor I don't want a brain transplant But he changed my mind


Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic


Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt.


My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.


if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K.


Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.


Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.


I was going down on my girlfriend She kept trying to guide me to the right spot."A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little.."I stopped what I was doing and said, "Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!"


I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.


I just learned that “fan” is short for “fanatic”. .....I guess that explains why my ceiling fan is so attached.


A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.


I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."


My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied " Jenius"


Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...


I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means? Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)


UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.


What happens when you drop a coin in water? It becomes a sunk cost.


Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long


Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got small tits


What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien? E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.


LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working” “If your name is Michael, please stand up”  Then a couple dudes stand up  And he goes   “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter  @ cheyrubi


Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed


What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change


I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all ..... Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.


Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system. He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?""Your mom," I replied.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it


What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? "No thanks. I'm not into roll play."


I don't care how great owls are I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.


Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.


A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar.. The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the  bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you!  You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're  about to start something."


If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow.


Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced? It had grater plans


What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.


What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam. I mean, it was a dead giveaway.


How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together.


I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them.


A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”


You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper


If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes.


It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania... ..and clicked 'add to cart'


Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation? Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment.


I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. "Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"You mean 9 months."Ken is 24 months!" Deborah, he's 2."My baby is -26 weeks old!"No, Karen, you miscarried.


I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam


Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!


My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned. The master baiter.


A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me "Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"


A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"She smiles and says, "Yale."He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said "my hands were tied"


Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di.


My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night


I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke.


Woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products. It’s true, this is something you can’t make up


How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.


After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling


How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me.


If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.


Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer... Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...


What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz? OMAN...


Clarence the brown-nosed reindeer. He was right behind Rudolf, he could fly just as fast as him, but could never stop as quick as Rudolf.


Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats


Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away


What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty


There are two forms of English The queen's English and spelling mistakes


An emo became a perfect film editor he made very accurate cuts


I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.


"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?" "Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"


Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower.


Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you


When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave


What did the flower prostitute say to her client? ¨You want floral?¨


A husband and wife are laying in bed reading Man says" honey can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"Wife says " you have the biggest penis out of all your friends"


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape I'm always running out of ideas.


Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)


It is not polite to call people White Trash The proper label is white non-recyclablesYeah ok it's not great but it's what I got


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold.


If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person...


'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"


Derek and Brian are having a drink together. "You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek."Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek."So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian."I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.


Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses.. She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.


I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day... He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.


A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.


I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt


What do you call a female turtle masturbating? A Squirtle


What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.


Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"


The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom. A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.


Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool? They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!


A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing


A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.


How do you comb a bee's hair? With a honeycomb!I'm sorry I found this joke on a popsicle stick please forgive me.


Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them


As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy.


Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)


A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work. To watch and learn


Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.


What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common? Their days are numbered.


Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.


To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick.


Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!


What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel


I phoned in sick today "Exactly how sick are you?""Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."


What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)


My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.


What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal


One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.


Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!


Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.


How does Santa measure things? In santameters.


I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...


Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."


Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly.


Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?....... She says "sure"... and goes in there.  Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.Monica says "That's not a clock".  To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".


A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... "I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."


What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle.


King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.


A dad goes to a reasturant Waiter: have you decided what you will be having tonight?Dad: hi,yes ill be having the rabbit stewWaiter: alrightDad: hey waiter,theres a hare in my stew!


Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind? Thought knot.


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock? A turkey.


I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’.


I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."


When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman" But when I do it I'm "gay".


You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer. She was killed... by a giant crab.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.


I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!


Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.


I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters.


What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke.


Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour . Me : Wait . I can change .


If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap


I made a playlist for when I go hiking It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.


A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned.


Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut.


I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I? Banned from the supermarket.


If you don't get enough fibre in your diet ... tough shit


Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)


What did the police officer say to the pig thief? Come out with your hams up!


There was a power cut at my house so I started talking to my family.... .... Turned out to be nice people.


Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.


on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."


Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.


I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase.


My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie.


I don't buy from Amazon because of the slavery it promotes \- typed from a keyboard made in China


What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)


Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits.


Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof


What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.


What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days(ba dum tsssss)


What d'you call a slightly damp rabbi at breakfast? morning dew


Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.


Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea? It’s usually a total rip-off


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled. Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."


Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows... Son: Herd of cows, dad.Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!


A mosquito was trying to land on my arm. I shook it and said:"Not on my watch"


I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.


Potatoes in space So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic


What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe


What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.


Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside.


If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, Is it false advertising?


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth


I've just invented a perfume made from holy water. Eau my God


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?” Chicken sees a salad.


What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha.


The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused. Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel.


What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter? PEW PEW


HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning.


What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. "Which ear is it?" he asked. "2018," I replied.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person


On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius... But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius.


A guy is talking with his friend Edward... ...and asks him:-What do dead and black people have in common?-Well, I don't know.-They both get a rest, Ed.


My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.


What’s the difference between me and a mosquito? I don’t stop sucking when you slap me.


My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!


How's y'all's summer bods looking? Mines looking like I have a great personality.


I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair


If cajuns yell "ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say? Ooh-mommy.


There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them.


I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.


There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous.


A tree fell over where I was standing What a re-leaf  I moved out of the way in time


What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening? “Bonesaw!”


Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.


I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau


Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021." China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."


How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"


What film has the best connection? Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping


That perfect three-meals-for-one deal... ...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner.


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan? Because there are already too many targets.  (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)


One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious


In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka... It’s Vodka with Orange Juice(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))


I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.


I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.


How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!


I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint...


I was going to buy some classical music CDs... But I was too baroque.


So I was reading the obituaries the other day, and I'm really concerned. People are dying in alphabetical order.


A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.


I finally finished getting through my whole bottle of multivitamins before they expired! I didn’t feel very good after having half the bottle yesterday, but I think I’m doing alright.


I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.


Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.


They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen


I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books.


A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


I tell old dad jokes to my kids. What do you call a fish with no eyes?    Fshhhhhh


Why is Drake such a good chemist? He can turn an O2 into an O3


Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.


"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision." "Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"


What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.


What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.


I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised.


What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What did the earth say to other planets? Get a life.


Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks? Because of The Force Awakens.


What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque.


A solid joke A scientist is studying the three states of matter.The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"


As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time... Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.


My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.


I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.


People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.


An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... "Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.  "You are right!" responds the alien. "See you on Thursday!"


Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.


How do you tell if a cow is male or female? If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female


Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel He was void of ideas


My wife moaned at me as she put dishes in the washer I asked her "Why are you moaning at me"She replied "I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher, can you stop fucking me?"I said to her "I'm just trying to put a load in the dishwasher too"


Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant? The first bit of slime is not yours.


Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary... ...geography.


John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered.


Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”


What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.


The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered "The element of surprise!"


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz


What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet? Gobble-You!Note: my six year old made up this joke.


What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall? Where the white beaches at?!?


There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size. Police say they are still at large.


A cannibal invites his friend for dinner His friend says "wow, your wife makes an excellent stew"


Why do iPhone have a great sense of humor? Because they crack up easily.


I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store. It just made so much scents to me.


What do you do when your newborn is as slow as my internet? Check with a new company.


I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)


How do you pass a biology test on excretion? Process of elimination.


Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"


Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself


How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


What do you call a cow... ...w/ no legs? Ground beef....w/ 1 leg? Stake....w/ 2 legs? Lean beef....w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip....w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy....w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes....w/ 5 legs? Chernobull....w/ no hind legs? An udder drag....w/ a twitch? B... read more


During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother.. Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"


What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo


A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, "Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!""For starters, you're not eating right."


What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)


What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins? Santa Claus comes once a year


What do you like, mom? Son: Mom why is my cousin named Jasmine?Mom: Because your aunt likes flowers.Son: Mom what do you love?Mom: Dick, stop asking so many questions.


I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks It makes me boulder


Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels. I’ve been working on it tirelessly.


I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time. She said that’s Ludacris


A problem at the restaurant Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!""My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."


You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky.


Breaking News: police station toilet stolen Cops have nothing to go on.


What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes


What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!


One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first."


What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


A grandmother said to her grandson, "The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."


I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American


Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!


For some reason CBS wouldn't let me stream the super bowl. I had to switch to the ESPN spanish simulcast. It worked out because BRADY-GRONKOWSKI-GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!! is the same in every language.


A man gives dollar to a homeless person After he threw the dollar in his hat, he noticed a second hat. The man frowned and asked: "Why do you have two hats?""Well, you see..." Said the wanderer. "Business is going well these days so I recently opened my second store."


I opened a store that sells waistcoats and spandex for cross-dressers. I call it “trans vest tights”.


A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green. The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels.


My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money. He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:“I followed the con-text clues.”


Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.


A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says: "I'll take five beers"


My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point


(True story) I walked into an electric fence And the result was shocking


What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken.


After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying


From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair


My friend is a therapist. Last night we were going to play video games and he said he was having trouble getting one of the game controllers to communicate with the receiving node. I told him they should use "I" statements.


I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart


A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?Miner: Mine


$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues.


Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all.