(shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?


This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?


Well, it聮s, it聮s yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?


So um, Mary-Angela, what聮s your second favorite?


Would you just please....give me the receipt 聭cause this is great. It聮s top notch.


Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn聮t mean anything.


Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)


Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I聮m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.


This is so bad. If-if you聮re not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?


Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn聮t see Mary-Angela)


(pats him on the shoulder) You聮re it! Now run and hide!


I wasn聮t sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey聮s sisters gasp) Look, I聮m sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.


Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother聮s not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?


Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you聮re my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.


You聮ve got it. (he starts to look at his sister聮s, but he still doesn聮t know which one is Mary-Angela.)


Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress.


All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?


I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.


(to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.


(to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?


Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.


Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.


Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud.


I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.


....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!


All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?


Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier.


To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good.


Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.


Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.


All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'


Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?


And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)


Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.


Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?


Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)


Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.


Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?


Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she聮s celebrating that by going on a date with him.


(to Robert) So ah, isn聮t a bit cold out for shorts?


Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.


(standing up) I聮m up! I聮m up, I聮ve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?


No. He.....he聮s coming out of his shorts.


I聮m sorry, I聮m sorry, it just seems that Robert isn聮t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.


Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!


No, Beth doesn聮t die, she doesn聮t die. Does she Rachel?


We can聮t tell him, you can聮t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.


Well, that聮s pretty much all I聮m looking for from these people.


(to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I聮d like know whether that聮s several big fish or just one big fish.


No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 聭wait until the last moment before I burst and die.聮


Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it聮s a beautiful woman coming out of the men聮s room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?


(to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I聮m-I聮m talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.


Nope, nope, I聮d just ah, I聮d rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)


Well, that聮s the best kiss I聮ve had with anyone I聮ve ever met in a men聮s room.


(sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.


Yeah, we聮re gonna have to get you out of those shoes.


You聮re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?


Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.


Great. It was great. She聮s ah, she聮s great, great looking, great personality, she聮s greatness.


Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn聮t have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don聮t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it聮s like 聭Hey, y'know what, where聮s your leg?聮 I mean I聮m the smallest person in the world aren聮t I? I聮m the smallest person in the world.


(to Monica) Actually he聮s the smallest person in the world.


No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?


It聮s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.


Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?


You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?


Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.


That was an obvious joke, and I didn聮t think of it. Why didn聮t I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!


(entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I聮m going down to the Xerox place.


Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of.


Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!


All right, rock on. (Does the 聭Hang 10聮 sign, then hides his face in shame.)


Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?


Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so...


Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?


She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.


Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.)


Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it.


Well it you don聮t know that, then I don聮t want to do this with you.


And that聮s the only colour that comes in.


So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.


Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out.


Hey, this isn聮t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!


Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth.


Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?


He聮s right. Nobody聮s gonna benefit, and you聮re just gonna hurt her.


All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing聮s right. And that聮s what deathbeds are for.


Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac聮s sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe聮s friends with Rachel. And that聮s the trail, I did it!


Yeah, well I don聮t think you can make that statement, unless you聮ve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.


Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....


(to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.


Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.


(handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we聮re never leaving, ever.


Yeah, come on, it聮s Ross and Rachel, they聮ve got too.


Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something.


Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn聮t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.


Y'know what maybe it聮s gonna be okay, I mean it聮s been a week.


Yes, yes, it聮s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross.


Yeah, he聮s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine.


(jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!


Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I聮m, I聮m smoking still.


Look, I聮m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.


Yeahhh. I聮m tellin聮 ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time....


Oh that聮s great, with my luck, that聮s gonna be him.


Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and it聮s Rachel again.)


Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.


Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.


(to Joey) Well he聮s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.


Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.


Oh, come on, there聮s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo.


(to Joey) My lighter聮s in there! (points to the cab)


Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe聮s not hot enough to light this!


Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.


Ladies, ladies, let聮s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica聮s bra.


Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.


Okay, now let聮s decide who has the nicest ass.


At least let me smoke it to the good part.


I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)


Oh no, now it聮s not gonna make any sense!


Oh, this is horrible, it聮s just horrible.


Y'know what, I can handle it, handle聮s my middle name. Actually it聮s the ah, middle part of my first name.


Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)


I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.


Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.


No-no, why don聮t you hang on to that one.


Okay, that聮s like the least fun game ever.


Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)


Or what my Father called Thursday night.


Y'know, I would聮ve bet good money that he聮d be the first one of us to get married.


If that doesn聮t keep kids in school, what will?


Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?


Good! I haven聮t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.


(reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete聟 (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?


This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!


(to the girls who are staring at him) What?


(in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)


Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything.


Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.


Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?


Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?


Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.


It聮s possible. You are very loveable, I聮d miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.


(in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I聮d miss you.


I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn聮t matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It聮s so annoying. Does it bug you?


Is there any chance you didn聮t see that?


Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can聮t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You聮re gonna get peep eye!


You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!


And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.


I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!


Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)


She聮s moving on! Okay, if it聮s not this guy, it聮s gonna be somebody else! And unless you聮re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It聮s over.


I don聮t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)


(to Joey) I wasn聮t doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?


Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.


I think somebody has a crush on somebody.


I聮m talking about you. You big, big freak.


Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you聮d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!


No, it聮s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He聮s a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there聮s no Gold Man.


So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?


What about things that are already gold?


Wait a minute, wait. You聮re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn聮t want you back?!


My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.


Oh, that聮s-that聮s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)


Thanks, it聮s ah, Gaelic, for 聭Thy turkey聮s done.聮 So ah, I聮m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.


(holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?


Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.


Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin聮 out the Chan-Chan man!


Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I聮ll do it.


(entering) Hey, my Father聮s house does that!


Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there聮s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.


Of course, I didn聮t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna聮s such a big, dull dud!


(entering with Rachel) I聮m telling ya, Joanna聮s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 聭This was fun. Let聮s do it again sometime. I聮ll give you a call.聮


That聮s what you say at the end of a date.


To her face? Look it聮s the end of the date, I聮m standing there, I know all she聮s waiting for is for me to say 聭I聮ll call her聮 and it聮s just y'know, comes out. I can聮t help it, it聮s a compulsion.


(sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.


Look, you can聮t call somebody after this long just to say, 聭In case you didn聮t notice, I don聮t like you!聮


Nooo!! She聮s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!


All right! Fine! But it聮s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don聮t want you setting me up with anybody ever again!


It聮s not a big deal. It聮s, just it聮s right here, (points to his eye) and it聮s all the time.


(He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.


Well, this was great. I聮ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)


Look, I聮m sorry. Okay? I聮m weak, and pathetic, and sorry.


I聮m sorry. I聮m-I聮m-I聮m sorry that I said I was going to when I聮m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn聮t Rachel聮s fault. It聮s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I聮m really sorry, it聮s just that this is not, this isn聮t going to work out.


Well this is great! I聮ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!


Oh, so that聮s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there聮s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate.


Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)


So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.


Okay, so I guess that聮s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.


Okay. (He opens it and it聮s a baby chick) It聮s a chicken.


Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.


I don聮t know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can聮t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.


I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!


You don聮t think I get up when you get up?


Yes, here it comes! I聮m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don聮t think so mister!


And you don聮t think taking care of our chick is work?


I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we聮ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?


(rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!


I know. See, yes. That聮s Yasmine Bleeth, she聮s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.


I did! But the store wouldn聮t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?


If they can聮t find a home for her, they kill her! And I聮m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!


Okay. And it聮s not just chicks y'know? It聮s all kinds of other animals!


Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!


That聮s a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How聮d the thing go tonight, Ross?


(to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)


(coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?


See, I told you they don聮t swim. (He goes to take it out)


Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it聮s okay, it聮s okay, baby, baby, baby.


Who聮s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.


(entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?


Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.


Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.


Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don聮t like the guy Rachel聮s dating? Well, that聮s odd.


7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn聮t work.


Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!


Why don聮t you use ours across the hall, 聭cause she聟has聟problems.


And yet, she聮s still not hanging up the phone.


Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.


No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a


Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.


Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.


(joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?


Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.


Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.


(sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.


Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He聮s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that聮s like a third or fourth date kinda thing.


Oh, so you聮re going with the teacher, huh?


(comforting the duck) Everything聮s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?


Do you think that there聮s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you聮re driving into town there聮s-there聮s like a sign, and it says 聯You聮re in Sample.聰 (He says it like urine sample.)


Yeah, it聮s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: 聯They聮re are no rules.聰


Yes, but there聮s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.


Oh it聮s Bing, sir. I聮m sorry , I was just ah...


All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)


Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.


Well, I didn聮t do anything. I didn聮t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.


Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 聭em.


(to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?


Well, that聮s not true, he-he smacked you once.


(joining them) Hey! Which one聮s my turkey burger?


Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it聮s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I聮m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.


Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!


No, no I just ah, didn聮t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don聮t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.


I聮m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.


No, no. It-it聮s not about the swearing, it聮s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.


Oh, and don聮t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It聮s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it聮s making all the other guys jealous.


Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)


No. No, not at all, that聮s-that聮s ridiculous.


(to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!


Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.


(reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.


You聮re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.


Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I聮ll be your boyfriend.


Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?


Okay, so we聮ve established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren聮t friends, say it聮s a blind date. I show up at your door, and I聮m like (in a fake voice) 聯Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.聰


What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can聮t have children!!


Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.


So, you still don聮t think I聮m boyfriend material?


I saw you checking me out during the game last night.


Oh, yeah, I don聮t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house.


(to Joey) Noo!! I don聮t care! I聮m not, I聮m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!


Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don聮t need that kind聮ve hurt. Take it from a guy who聮s never had a long term relationship......


Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you聮re gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!


Hi! I聮m Dorf! You聮re date for the evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that聮s good stuff!!


(to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)


(jumping up) Oh, I聮ll go out and get you some.


Nope! Because I聮m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who聮s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?


All right, there聮s a nuclear holocaust, I聮m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?


Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!


Y'know what, he聮s right. There聮s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.


Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I聮m gonna break up with you!


Look, Ross, you have what you want, you聮re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you聮re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.


(jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!


I聮ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.


(running over and joining Monica) They聮ll never understand!


(following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn聮t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica聮s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)


(wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 聯Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!聰 Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.


(entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?


We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.


Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!


You don聮t turn and slide, you throw it out! I聮m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!


All right, how about we, how 聭bout we sell it.


(nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it!


Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.


(reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)


Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?


All right look, I聮m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.


I can聮t believe you don聮t know what I do for a living!


Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.


You聮ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.


Y'know, I, I really don聮t think we need a canoe.


All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!


Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he聮s wrong.


What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!


Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!!


Oh, they said uh, 聯You don聮t have insurance here, so stop calling us.聰


Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we聮d really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)


Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!


Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.


Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.


Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.


Oh, come on! It聮s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I聮m pretty much just in there by myself.


I hope you know what I聮m giving up for ya, because she聮s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.


it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)


It just doesn聮t聟feel like we聮re breaking up.


When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.


Ah-ha, you聮re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.


You are, you聮re gonna leave me like this?


Okay. But if you don聮t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there聮s pretty much nothing I can do about it!


Hello, Joanna聟(Realises he doesn聮t know her last name)聟聮s office.


Look, this isn聮t funny! You get back here right now!


(in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?


Okay, here聮s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.


I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!


It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.


No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can聮t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I聮m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna聮s desk.)


You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)


No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!


I聮ll make something up! I聮m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!


Hey, look, you聮re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she聮s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.


It still wouldn聮t be clean. (Rachel makes an 聭Eww, disgusting!聮 face) All I want is my freedom.


Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won聮t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)


I聮m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just聟 (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)


(to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)


(checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!


Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn聮t say 聭cool聮 anymore.


Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I聮ve missed the last 1200 times.


You don聮t think I聮ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.


Oh Maria. You can聮t say no to her, she聮s like this lycra spandex covered gym聟treat.


Why don聮t you just give him to somebody else?


Because that聮s the only part of you he can see when he聮s on the table!


No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!


Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.


(He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 聭Be strong聮 sound.) I wanna quit the gym.


(horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym.


No, I almost did, couldn聮t leave Ross there without a spotter!


We聮re doomed. Okay, they聮re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?


Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty.


I tell people secrets. It makes them like me.


All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice?


Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?


Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here.


Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.)


Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.


Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote.


Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've...


So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.


That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.


Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom)


Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty.


She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?


Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy.


Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.)


(entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.


I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!


99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time.


Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week.


Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings.


Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves)


Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!


Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.


Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?


Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.


Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago.


Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book.


Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils.


Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.


Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great.


It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?


Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!


All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?


All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?


Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?


Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?


She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.


Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?


I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!


No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?


Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?


[nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh.... [Kathy enters]


See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock.


Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.


(tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."


Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend.


(entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!


It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it聮s bad enough that I聮m in love with my roommates girlfriend聴which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we聮re in the room together there聮s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I聮ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she聮s smooth! Smooth! (leaves)


Goin聮 out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So things didn聮t work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.


Well, I聮m upset聴for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can聮t believe he just sad that.)


Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she聮s-she聮s smart, and funny, and gets you.


All right look, I think it聮s time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane.


Yeah, I know what you聮re thinkin聮! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.


Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.


No-no, he聮s not back yet, but he聮ll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?


I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.) 聟of the boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello.


(to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He聮s running a little late, he says he聮s sorry.


So I guess it聮s just uh, you and me then.


Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut


Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don聮t make my tail too poofy.


Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y聮know who also has great hair is Joey!


(jumping up to answer the phone) Oh the phone! The phone聮s making sounds! (On phone) Hello!


Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)


No-no-no-no, this is bad! It聮s bad! This is bad!


Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here聮s what we do, we-we forget it happened.


Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we聮re unhappy forever. Sound good?


I have to; he聮s my best friend, and you聮re seeing him.


(interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don聮t! Don聮t! See-see, you聮re getting me confused, I聮m starting to urn.


Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?


Hang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully furnished apartment.)


Well, I just thought it聮d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend.


Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.)


Well, y聮know I聮m 29. I mean who needs a savings account.


That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!


No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he聮ll understand this?


Oh, don聮t say that! Don聮t say that. That聮s not true. Is it?


Then why didn聮t you tell me to do that?!!


God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?!


Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something.


It聮s-it聮s about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually.


Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?


Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.


See uh, that聮s-that聮s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.


Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and


Look, I聮m sorry! But there聮s nothing I can do, I think I聮m in love with her!


You聮re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.


Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!


(on phone) Hey, it聮s me. I know you can聮t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I聮d try and apologize over the phone. All I聟 (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)


Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I聮m聟 (Joey hangs up the phone again.)


(entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!


They couldn聮t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.


Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, 聭cause I wanna trade for her.


Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?


Oh that聮s not true! That聮s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it聟 (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe聮s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it聟 (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials


Op, y'know what though, it聮s kind聮ve a girlie briefcase.


Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!


Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.


Well maybe you should put some ice on it.


(entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.


Oh y聮know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.


I don聮t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.


Oh no-no-no, you don聮t want to do that, then you聮re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.


When was the last time you saw her wear it?


I walk into a room and he won聮t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.


Hey! I聮m sorry! That聴(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?


Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I聮ll stop seeing her?


Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!


All right look, if you聮re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!


All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?


(He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.


The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!


Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)


You can聮t tell, but I聮m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!


You聮re right, and I聮m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won聮t say another word tonight.


Our eyes are closed and we聮re about to cross the street. Very good.


(entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?


No-no, I don聮t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!


Kathy聮s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!


I聮m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!


This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!


Look you don聮t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y聮know you聮re never know what聮s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!


Oh yeah, it聮s beautiful country up there.


It聮s not gonna be exactly like last time.


(answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It聮s Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up)


He聮s not gonna make it, he聮s stuck in Chicago.


Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.


Oh-no, y聮know with Gandolf we聮d be out all night!


And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?


Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?


Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?


Y聮know what? We聮re not sad, we聮re not sad, we聮re just not 21 anymore. Y聮know? I聮m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!


Were you so late because you were burring this woman?


How can she be great if she聮s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would聮ve killed in Albany.


Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They聮re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.


All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can聮t believe I missed it.


Really?! I didn聮t think girls ever just wanted a fling.


Y聮know what? There聮s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?


Well, I have a girlfriend, I聮m-I聮m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.


Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?


Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who聮s boss.


I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I聮m not asking for me, I聮m聟 I mean聟 No, I聮m-I聮m not gay, I聮m not asking you out. I聮m not-I聮m not-I聮m not gay!


See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.


Oh, y聮know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.


(to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.


Oh well, that聮s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!


Well, I don聮t really know what that is, but let聮s!!


(to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!


Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They聮re buying me drinks! They聮re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?


Y聮know what, I聮m gonna uh, play the field just a little more.


Guys are signing over their 401-K聮s to me?


(pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there聮s this one guy, Patrick, I think you聮re gonna like him, he聮s really nice, he聮s funny, he聮s a swimmer.


Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.


See, I聮m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?


Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.


Really?! I-I thought you weren聮t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.


Why not?! I聮d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get聴oh I see.


(interrupting) Oh, y聮know, y聮know what Pheebs?


Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe聮s song about?


Well, y聮know, you聮re-you聮re gonna meet somebody! You聮re a great catch! Y聮know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn聮t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)


Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?


Oh, it doesn聮t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y聮know what, I聮ve got two tickets to tonight聮s Rangers game, you wanna come with me?


Well, actually it聮s a hockey team, so it聮s angry Canadians with no teeth.


So there is no good time to ask that question.


I don聮t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.


You聮re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?


Oh, yeah, sure, it聮s not mine anyway. It can with the pants.


All right, we haven聮t had sex yet. Okay, what聮s the big deal? Y聮know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.


No, I聮m afraid I won聮t be able to make love as well as him.


We share a wall! So either he聮s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.


All right, all right, I聮ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I聮m just doing it for you guys.


It was fine, y聮know? But she didn聮t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I聮m all right with it."


Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y聮know, I know where everything goes, it聮s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody聮s killing her in there!"


Look, you don聮t have to draw an actual wo聴whoa! She聮s hot!


Oh, y聮know-y聮know what, I was looking at it upside down.


Well you might if it were anything like 7!


Well the vet seems to think that聮s she聮s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We聮re getting a second opinion.


Well聟 we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.


(to Rachel) And you聟 Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel聮s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.


Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.


Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey聮s ear.)


I got it! Scotch聟 tape. (They聮re right.)


Well, we used there聮s up last night making scary faces.


All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.


His legs flail about as if independent of his body!


I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we聮re gonna destroy you.


Well, I聮m so confused as to what we聮ve been doing so far


(interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.


Oh! (Whispers something in Joey聮s ear and then in Ross聮s ear.)


Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It聮s too nice.


Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!


Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!


Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!


Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!


Yeah, it聮s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!


I聮m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they聮re gonna go to their cast parties and he聮s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it聮ll be like, "So where聮s your boyfriend, what聮s-his-name, Chester?" And she聮ll go, "No-no-no, it聮s Chandler." And he聮ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"


All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?


So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?


Okay, okay, but don聮t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I聮m fairly certain are the same thing.


I聮m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there聮s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!


Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!


Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you聮re having sex with him.


Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!


Y聮know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you聮re up there every night, you聮re naked, touching, kissing.


Well, you can understand, given how we started.


Well, that is what happened, and I don聮t even see you denying this!


Yeah, well, don聮t expect that to happen anytime soon!


Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl聮s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!


I confronted her, and she didn聮t deny it! (Pause) I don聮t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)


Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie聮s


Yes! See you and I have always been like聴(motions that they think the same.)


Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?


Well y'know, what if she didn聮t actually sleep with the guy?


She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!


That聮s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.


Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I聮m sorry. Y聮know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.


Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y聮know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? 聭Cause we聮ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y聮know, I know for me聴(Notices a pair of men聮s pants on the chair.) Nick聮s pants?


Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!


I聮m saying that she聟 is a devil woman! Y聮know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don聮t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really.


Because, I-I should聮ve called! Y聮know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would聮ve gone out with Nick, and they would聮ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!


You don聮t have to stop having fun just because I聮m here. Kathy didn聮t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)


(opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.


Y聮know, I can聮t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I聮m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!


That聮s right! Where are the guys? I聮m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.


She聮s shhing me! It聮s my phone and she聮s shhing me!


Maybe, she doesn聮t hit him all the time.


Okay, I聮m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)


Y聮know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)


Yes you can. You聮re thinking about time, you can聮t go back in time.


You don聮t want to be guys, you聮d be all hairy and wouldn聮t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)


Ahh, come on! Y聮know what聴y聮know what, I think I聮m just gonna go home and call Kathy.


No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I聮m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I聮m gonna get so drunk, I聮m gonna wanna call Janice


Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!


All right, well I聮m gonna put my sweats back on.


Okay, look, I聮m gonna have to ask you all to leave.


Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn聮t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)


(jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!


I am totally picturing you with all those women!


Stop it! You聮re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!


Where I don聮t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!


I know, I know, but you聮re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.


All right ladies, here聮s what we聮re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler聮s the king! Chandler聮s the king!"


Oh, that聮s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.


Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!


What do you want from me, I聮ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I聮m sorry you can聮t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler聮s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I聮ve got to wake up!


Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!


That聮s a mailman! That聮s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?


Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?


Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it聮s closed) I can聮t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)


Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality聴Well, they聮re all back! Y聮know? And she聮s picked up like nine new ones!


Don聮t worry about it. I聮m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)


(standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don聮t have to break up with her this time. We聮re not involved! I聮m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I聮m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)


Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.


(laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I聮m just getting out of a very serious relationship


Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.


I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!


Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That聮s right, yes, I聮m being transferred to Yemen!


But I do know that it聮s some time tomorrow.


Y聮know uh, you didn聮t really have to help me pack.


Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!


Oh, I聮m packing. Y聮know I聮m-I聮m packing 聭cause I聮m moving to Yemen tomorrow.


I聮m only going to pretend I聮m moving to Yemen, it聮s the only way I can get rid off her.


(to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!


Y聮know you, really didn聮t have to take me to the airport.


Well, we聮re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.


Okay. Then I guess it聮s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.


Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.


What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?


No. All right, y聮know what, she聮s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I聮m handing you a credit card, but what I聮m really gonna do is hand you a library card.


Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.


Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!


Well, I then guess I聮m going to Yemen! I聮m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?


Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.


Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style聴what did you throw away?


Yes, but in Ross聮s case, they both know in two weeks that聮s it.


Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)


There聮s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)


Maybe we shouldn聮t pay our phone bill聴free phone sex.


Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!


Like finding money with naked people on it!


We don聮t know what could make this go away.


And no one touches the air around the TV!


Or a job where you don聮t have to carry a table.


Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?


They don聮t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.


Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?


All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it聮s over.


Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.


Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.


A place where no one will ever get out alive?


I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn聮t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.


What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"


Y聮know what, we have to turn off the porn.


Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.


Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.


Hey, y聮know what, if you聮re gonna do that, if you聮re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn聮t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler聮s funny, sophisticated, and he聮s very loveable, once you get to know him.


Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he聮ll be there. And he聮ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you聮re really hot.


You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?


Hi! Hi! You聮re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.


Okay, there are no famous Joey聮s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.


Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he聮ll never be President. There聮s never gonna be a President Joey.


Wow, you聮re, you聮re right. I have a horrible, horrible name.


No, no, you聮re right, it is a ridiculous name!


Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.


Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.


Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?


It聮s Clint. It聮s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)


(entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?


All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.


Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it聮s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women聟 So, as of 4 o聮clock tomorrow, I聮m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.


Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn聮t get it.) Santa Claus聮s pants.


Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don聮t belong here."


Forget it! Okay, I聮m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!


No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.


(ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?


Forget it! Okay, I聮m not giving up the apartment.


Because you聮ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I聮ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I聮ve had a longer relationship with!


And I love the milk! But, I聮m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.


Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.


Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can聮t leave in the small apartment after we聮ve lived here! Didn聮t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?


Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.


I didn聮t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.


No. No. We聮re not gonna do that, y聮know why? Because its not an even trade.


All right, but you can聮t use that again for a whole year. I聮m in.


Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That聮s courtside baby!


Oh yeah, that聮s very nice. Plus, y聮know they were free and they聮re too small.


Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)


Well, you聮re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we聮re switching it back! There聮s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?


I don聮t care, this is our apartment! And they stole聴you stole it聴our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I聮m getting back right now!


Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can聮t offer anything to us!


Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!


Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you聮re not working here?


Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)


Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I聮m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!


It聮s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!


Next time you snore, I聮m rolling ya over!


Oh, she聮s got you running errands, y聮know, picking up wedding dresses聟 (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!


All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You聮re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!


Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that聮s, I think that聮s really cool.


Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this聟 (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)


(waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!


You聮re coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I聮m Chandler.


What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep.


Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They聮re stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.


Well she聮s, she聮s the kinda girl聴Joey was unconscious.


Y聮know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.


And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!


No-no, not something stupid, something huge.


Why not?! I mean it聮s just, it聮s just climbing! It聮s just, it聮s just steep!


We聮re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!


Yeah, we could do that without y聮know risking our lives at all!


But I聮ll tell you something. One of these days we聮re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!


And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)


See, maybe that聮s the one we should聮ve actually hidden.


This isn聮t one of those uh, y聮know "If she doesn聮t come, we-we don聮t, we don聮t come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket


Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?


(stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....


Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?


All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there聮s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) "It聮s almost as good as being there."


Well, You could, but... probably just the one time.


(shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!


Oh, it聮s awkward. It聮s awkward. It聮s awkward.


You can be the best man when I get married.


Oh no-no-no, you聴yeah, of course you get to be my best man.


I聮m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!


(entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?


Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.


Oh, I聮m Ross. I聮m Ross. I聮m too good for the Hut; I聮m too good for the Hut.


See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.


(banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I聮ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!


(banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.


Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this聴Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You聮re the worst best man ever!


So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)


Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don聮t you be my best man."


Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?


(to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)


Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)


Six-hour trip to London. That聮s a lot of Monica.


(entering, with Joey) All right! Let聮s do it!


Okay, 聭cause that聮s not gonna get annoying.


Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe聮s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)


(entering, with Phoebe聮s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.


Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!


Okay. Listen-listen, we聮re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?


I think it聮s great. It聮s great. Y聮know, they聮re thinking of changing the name of this place.


Well, I don聮t have to buy that, "I聮m with stupid" T-shirt anymore.


All right, look, you聮re not really gonna buy that are you? Don聮t you think you聮ve embarrassed me enough for one day?


How can I answer that when I聮m pretending I don聮t know you?


Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?


All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y聮know, you聮re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.


Okay, wait. All right, that聮s it, okay, I聮m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)


No-no-no, y聮know what? I really shouldn聮t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn聮t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I聮ve had a really lousy day.


Joey, it聮s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.


It could聮ve been worse, he could聮ve shot her.


Oh wow, I hope you don聮t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I聮m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.


Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)


Well, I don聮t see that we have a choice. But, when we聮re back home, we don聮t do it.


Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.


Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.


Yeah, we聮ll be down in like five minutes.


(To Monica) Hey, listen, why don聮t we go change in my room?


Well, I suppose I聮d have to say you!! But, what if we聮re watching a movie in here?


Well, Ross and Emily aren聮t gonna use it.


Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn聮t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.


Well, you couldn聮t have looked everywhere or else you would聮ve found her!


Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)


We have to leave for New York in an hour.


We can聮t do that that聮s insane. I mean 聭A聮 he could wake up and 聭B聮 y聮know, let聮s go for it.


Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y聮know, technically we still are over international waters.


Yes! Good thing we have that, 聭Not in New York聮 rule.


Oh. Y聮know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn聮t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 聭cause, you聮re really hot! Is that okay?


Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.


(entering) I聮m still on London time, does that count?


Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.


For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey!


Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.


Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in


Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story.


I can't believe she can out run you man!


Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY.


Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)


All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?


I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.


So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)


Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)


I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.


Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little聟 Y'know, it didn't have any聟 It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!


Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!


Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex.


Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.


This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?


(spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!


Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.


So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?


Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)


(to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?


So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?


Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary聟 Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.


Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?


So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?


That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?


(entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!


Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!


Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.


Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.


Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.


Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?


Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!


(entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?


If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?


Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)


Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.


How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!


Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.


Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.


Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.


(entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.


I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH聟MY聟GOD.


Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!


Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.


All right, let's show them how it's done.


(quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)


Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)


I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.


Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.


Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)


I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.


Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"


(jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!


Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.


Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!


(looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!


Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)


Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)


Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!


Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)


I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.


(watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming!


Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?


Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?


I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.


It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)


Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.


Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.


Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.


I just came over to drop off聟nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?


Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.


Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)


The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.


Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?


Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!


Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?


Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence


Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.


Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.


Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened.


Well, I think it's very brave what you said.


Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?


Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)


How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?


Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!


(notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)


Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)


You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)


(gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!


Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?


Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.


Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.


Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!


(grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?


Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?


All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?


Are you aware that you're still talking?


No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.


It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.


Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"


Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)


Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.


Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.


Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.


Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don聮t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.


No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.


I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!


I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!


I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.


We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!


Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)


You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!


Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.


That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!


That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!


Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)


Yeah, well, sorry doesn聮t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.


Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)


Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I聮m happy all the time!


Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!


No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!


Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.


Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!


(interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.


I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.


I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.


(reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?


Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?


No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.


Which I may say, right now, is out of control.


(Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)


All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.


Well let's聟.let's see what everybody thinks of that?


Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?


Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.


Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.


Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back.


Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?


(entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid聴Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)


(entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!


(To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.


The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.


Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?


Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)


Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging.


I don't believe they're brother and sister.


Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?


Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!


Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!!


No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted.


(deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.


We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know


That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.


I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!


No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)


What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.


(notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!


That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.


(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)


Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.


(entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)


Did they teach you that in your anger management class?


Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.


I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)


I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.


Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.


Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!


And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.


Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at聟bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?


Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.


Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!


Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)


If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.


Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.


So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?


Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)


Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.


I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.


Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)


(from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?!


(realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.


I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!


And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down聴let's write it down!


All right, then massage me up right nice!


It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!


I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just聴I didn't know what it was!


Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.


(examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)


And you're gonna make them all disappear.


Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!


Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.


(coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.


(falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.


It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.


Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.


Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.


Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!


Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)


And we're done with the chicken fried rice.


Or we can do the actual telephone thing.


Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?


Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.


Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.


Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.


The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.


I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.


No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!


(after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!


Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?


(a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps聴She knows!


Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!


Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)


Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.


Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.


Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!


(initially worried, but gets over it) Really?


Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?


Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?


(swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.


Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!


Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)


Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?


(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.


Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.


Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!


Love her! That's right, I聟LOVE聟HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.


And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.


Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.


(To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)


Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.


Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.


(interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!


Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.


Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.


Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!


I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I聮m right. I'm right. Am I right?


Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)


I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.


Well, you do want all that stuff, right?


Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!


Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!


Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!


It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.


Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.


Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.


Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?


Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)


I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.


No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?


Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.


Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)


Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)


Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?


Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?


Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.


Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.


Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.


Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!


Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don聮t want to talk about it.


You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)


No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.


Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?


Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?


Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so


(looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.


Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!


Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.


Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?


(stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?


(entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.


I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)


(To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?


Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you聟 (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)


Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.


Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.


Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)


Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?


No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!


Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!


Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?


Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.


Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)


Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.


Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.


(entering) You guys ready fore the movies?


Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?