Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie? It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."


I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box Apparently it was a contactless delivery


What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose


Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand.


A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose. I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang


The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..


Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China? Because it has a Taipei personality


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


Why can't a computer play tennis? server unavailable


Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house.


A mother is helping her son study for a geography test. She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?""Berlin," says the boy."What is the capital of France?""Berlin," says the boy."What is the capital of Russia?""Berlin," says the boy."Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke.


Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating.


I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine


I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.


(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”


I forgot why I decided to jerk off into the fan... But it's all cumming back to me.


Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick.


How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board


Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well.


An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream


I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more


What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy


Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve


A woman is watching the food channel... Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!


I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!


The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.


What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common? They've both made a lot of money from Superstition


What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, but a fisherman waits, then lies.


Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears.


Where do bees go to the bathroom?  The BP station.


What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy? One baits his hooks, the other hates his books.


Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains? To catch a Peek-at-you


A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?


What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.


What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port.


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy? My Little Phony


Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground? He didn't pay a tension.


The Chinese premier was spotted selling people a popular Linux terminal app on the beach. Xi sells C shells by the seashore.


Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa? Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.


We are all like Stormy Daniels now. Just waiting for him to finish.


Ah,school stuff Teacher: Do you know the answer to question *B*?  Student: No.  Teacher: You need to spend more time studying.  Student: Well, do you know Sophie?  Teacher: No, why?  Student: **You need to spend more time with your husband.**


People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn.


I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point.


Sunday and Monday in different times If the sun has risen on Sunday, then it's just Sunday. If the sun has set on Sunday, then it will be just day, not Sunday. But if it's 12 am on Sunday, Sunday will be now Moonday.


Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.


Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.


What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play? The rub and tug in the end zone.


What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their wayCredit to /u/MolecularAnthony


There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September It's the dictionary


A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently. Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree. "What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel."I want to eat some cherries.""But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here.""It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."


Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer.


What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener


Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics.


i kiss my niece on her cheek I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together.  Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek.  “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her.  “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”


What did I do when a terrorist attacked? Iran


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked "Bohemian Rhapsody."


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


(Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Teacher : Why didn’t you come to school yesterday? Me : I’m sorry, my dad’s in the hospital (One week later)Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?Me : Yeah, he’s a doctor.


I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point


My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me.


A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?" His answers were just as brief:"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"


I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like...


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.


What color was the wet fart? Shart-treuse


Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE


Me : what do you study? She : I'm science Student. Me : Can i ask a question? She : ask. Me : what is Newton's 3rd law? She : Listen, im a science student not a law student.


I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes. I think I'm a mashochist.


My mother in law just got Reddit I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife.


I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now.


An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."Chinese: "Me too."American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it They should have added 19 more shades


A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger. The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.


How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates.


The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..


You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath? The cornyer the better!!


English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative." From back of class: "Yea. Right!"


I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert


My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life


A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it.


What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.


Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake.


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward.


‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’


One crab to another crab I think I have lobsters


Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...


When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures? When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill


Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget


My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair...... Now neither of us are rolling


A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House... This is where the joke already left.


Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy.


What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house....


A policeman said he wanted to search my car. "You won't find any drugs," I told him.He said, "You don't sound sure about that."I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."


Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.


What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..? ................ "Hey Bud.."


In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”


Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.


A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.  But she got tired halfway, and swam back.


Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!


I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ... She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”(hat tip: Spike Milligan)


If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday.


My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"


Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)


How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?


Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people


How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait.


Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls


My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive.


Why doesn't santa have any children? Cos he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney


Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up


Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".


There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer.


Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears.


What do you call Aussie girls an their period? Bloody legends


When a mosquito lands on your balls, is the moment when you realize violence is not the answer


Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar... Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar.The bartender immediately gets them all a drink.Drake asks the bartender why he didn’t ask for their ID.The bartender says, “age is just a number around here.”


The self isolation is keeping families united My dad finally returned home with the milk


What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín


Is 3 followers a lot? On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes.


Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.


You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom? Cuz he was usyruped.


What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance.


I once made an error in little league, When I signed up to play.


“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”


When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"


Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.


I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them.


How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb? You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark.


A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime.


Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight


What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber? Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home


Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief? They keep getting stuck in de Nile


I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie


I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs... That way all of my vegetables feel special.


Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back.


Me when bitten by a mosquito Well that bloody sucks


When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy.


Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues.


Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat "My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that  I spread my legs for 2 weeks""Why that? Don't you have a vase?"


Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle


Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later.


How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach? Just one, because then your stomach won't be empty.


If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies


What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building? He had so much potential


How do oysters get around? In mussel cars.


They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?


I’ve always wanted a motorcycle My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.


Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more


Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'


What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan."


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Why were they called the "dark ages?" Because there were a lot of knights.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


A man filled his a mine cart with fresh ore and pushed it out of the cave After a long day of work, he decided to play some sports with his friends. There was an accident, which caused the man to die.This shows that miner errors can have huge consequences.


"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig." "Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? ""Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! "


For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.


I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters.


What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone


Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players? They do it for the Experience.


Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory


There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film. It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.


Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling.


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad.


I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped.


If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.


R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk.


My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels.


A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there! The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!


My comrades were destroying the brick factory. I said "Stop, we need the bricks!"They replied, "That's why we're demolishing it."


Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar.


I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them.


What country has the most smart people? Bahrain.


Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist


A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."


I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.


A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “you want a longneck?”The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”


I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day... The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."


Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather! Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...


I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.


An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer: "yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"


Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.


I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood.


What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?


Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? Because that was its Thor axe.


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.


What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church


I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song. Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine.


Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, "Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"


Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks


My father taught me 2 important rules for life 1. Never judge people based on stereotypes2. Never trust a Frenchman


What do you call a group of butchers? A meating.


My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart. "Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."


Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!


I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest.


What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


Monica: "Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." Chandler: "How do you find clothes that fit?


Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.


What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom? Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?


Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined.


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo


Trump is changing his name and moving to China! He now goes by Lame Duk Don


Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex? Because Trump can only fuck up.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.


The stereotype of gta players using hookers to heal and shooting them to get money back is ridiculous You’re supposed to just call an ambulance and shot the driver, it’s much more efficient!


If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)


Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand? Mario: ...Judge: It's a fine.Mario: [sadly] no itsa not


What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon...


The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe


Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm


A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood


Whats the difference between drumming and sex? You can drum your fingersbut you cant finger your drums


I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf... I went with the ladder.


How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog.


Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk


What do you call a religious crocodile? An Allah Gator!


Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Bob: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!" Wife: "Why do you say that?" Bob: "Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!" Wife: "You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!"


A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says."Oh... who's on your back?""That's Michelle", he replies.


Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!


How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema.


One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious


A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar. I said ‘Mimics.’ The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed. We killed the table. Good times.


Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar? Because he lost his tuna


How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!


What do Giraffes eat? Macaroni and leaves.


What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn


A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on... What-Jamaican


Your momma is like a KFC meal Once I am done with her breasts and thighs all I am left with is a greasy box to put my bone in.


My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison... He's never going to finish his sentence.


My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it.


Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica.....


What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA


What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb? One can’t, but Toucan


A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut.


What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.


Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.


What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.