Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


For the Marvel fans Dr Strange: Knock knockDormammu: Who’s there?Dr Strange: Door momDormammu: Door mom who?Dr Strange: Dormammu I have come to bargain


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough.


I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing


Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab.


In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic


I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play. Damn near froze to death on left wing.


"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?" "No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.""Why the two dogs?" "See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!


Went to a burger joint a while ago My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."


Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime." "Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare."


Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”


My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”


What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)


Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense


A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it: "Ups!"


What is the worst thing for a woman to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."


Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?


What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC.


A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.


I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.


What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction.


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


I grilled a chicken for 2 hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.


What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise


My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.


What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**


What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly? Because women don’t like premature evacuations


We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets


So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it


What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins.


How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant? The ears. Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.


Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P


Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.


Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver.


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs


Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


The teacher asks little Johnny : "Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?" "I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !"


I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.


So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!


What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who


After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it.


Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before) Where do math teachers go out to eat?K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n).


Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Kids : no ideaDad : mentos


What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!


If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat.


What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E! I owe you!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most.


Where do spiders seek health advice WebMD


Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line? When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital.


I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it... And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


What does an upset chef make food with? Angrydients.


I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.


I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't… Then I was. Then I wasn't.Then I was. Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?""No dear""Am I part Black Bear?""No dear, your all Polar Bear""Grizzly? Panda?""No why?!""Because I'm fucking freezing!"


When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them. Call that a defense magnesium


Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession


The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


Two old guys chatting. First guy: The wife and I fuck like rabbits every night.Second guy: You lucky bastard, I get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.First guy: Why the fuck do you call it that for?Second guy: Because it's the night I enter the dragon.


A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, "you got any ID?"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."


A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."


LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.


If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?


Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98. Coworker: Really?Me: No.


Never date a girl named Ruth. If you two break up, you're going to be Ruth-less.


To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it!Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.


My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.


I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...


A rich blonde woman from Beverly Hills was at the dentist about to get her tooth pulled. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?" She shook her head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. I only want the best! Do you have anything imported?”


English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"What is a ternative?


All these video games with epic orchestral music scores. Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)


What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? "Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"


Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.


American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.


Why are aircraft always painted white? The colour seems a bit plane to me


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


Johnny turns up into his class one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: "Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?"Johnny: "Well Miss, my grandad got burnt."Teacher: "Oh, he wasnt burnt too badly I hope?"Johnny: "Oh yes, Miss. They dont mess around at these crematoriums."


The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery.


What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose


“Television is bad for the eyes”, a teacher says. Jimmy: “Yes, and also bad for the legs.”Teacher: “Legs?”Jimmy: “My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.”Teacher: “Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?”Jimmy: “He dropped it on his foot!”


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.


What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep


Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!


A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.


I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.


What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen? Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh.


People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.


What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a poop? A turdle


Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins? They strung him up, but he didn't fret.*Cogwheel takes a bow*


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.


What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get? The No-bell prize.


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said: I only have my shelf to blame.


Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?""Vell, only if you insist " he replied.


I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening.. Talk about short arms long pockets...


Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.


Why was the prison writing contest canceled? The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose


My uncle is like a good love story Very touching


What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant.


My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..." Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.


Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.


When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics" I never understood why bird watching was wrong


Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do ...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them


My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth.


Why are old printers so musical? Because they are prone to jamming.


"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?" A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".


I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !


What's the difference between your ..... Penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.


What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy.


What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.


I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?" I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."


What do you call a snail’s luggage? Its cargo


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.


When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy.


Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq? Iran


What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”


I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.


My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown.


They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!


Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.


Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?


How do cows say “I love you”? With a s-mooooo-ch!


I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.


What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat


You know what makes sense? Perfume factories.


My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"


The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???


Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.""You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"


Why did Walter White take off his pants? He was worried they'd get methy.


My lawyer is a U2 fan So he was glad to represent them in a court case pro Bono


Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'? Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.ALTERNATE punchline: Because they drank it all.


Viagra Cocktails Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and DoJack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off DanielsSmirnoff + Viagra - Sperm OffBudweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser


My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself


What do you call a man with an axe over his head? Sort of Damocles


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait...


3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes.


I had to stop wearing my Linkin Park shoes Made my feet numb


She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...." He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."She: "How nice, you are so sweet."He: "You need plastic surgery."


What do you do when your dog has the blues? Give it a saxophone.


It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”. Three, to be exact.


You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales? Weigh a head of ewe.


I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it. Its channeling dead people.


Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time


A blonde walked in to a library -Hello! She saidDo you have any chicken sandwiches here?The librarian answered: im sorry this is a libraryThe blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*


What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos.


Why did the blonde sit at the Stop sign for five minutes? She was waiting for it to change to 'Go'


I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.


Why do cows look so depressed after being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!


How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting.


Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth: "I did it for the car, ma!"


The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations. All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors.


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist.


Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent... Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear


Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity


I smashed a CD in half... Bits flew everywhere.


Condoms were invented in Afghanistan At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.


When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”


Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor. Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe


Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word


Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.


How was it like, flying for the first time? "I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.


A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, "that's a really nice phone."


Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news He was fiddling with the kids


My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew


Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste? Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.I'm sorry.


I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language. Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.


Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.


My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth.


I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party They planet


A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house.


You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up.


The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves


A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.


Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil.


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


What did the fisherman stream? A rodcast.


What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!


What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.


My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.


In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject? In prison


Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!


My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it.


Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier? She didn't like its tone.


What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow


Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas? Nothing. He was speechless.


I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.


What is the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxafailin


One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered... How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?


The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense


Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish.


Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.


Follow an ambulance and you’ll get free dinner. Follow a fire truck and it’s already cooked.


A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!They named him Ravi O. LeeSorry


I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though


Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom


My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*


What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.


What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola.


My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.


A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar... The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.


When does a joke become a dad joke  When it becomes apparent.


Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial


There was once a soap opera called "Touched By An Angle" but most episodes just went off on tangents


You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches


I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.


What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)


New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!


Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."


I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”.


All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film They set up a moo LAN.


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good? Giraffe-Sick Park


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.


I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women. Nvm, Sharon is Karen.


For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied


A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, "you got any ID?"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."


What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.


President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but It’s been pterodacted


If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?


If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why.


What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.


What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...


The world is your oyster... Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost


Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass.


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit.


What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel


Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward.


I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.


I bought one of those memory foam pillows the other day... ... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say about that.


So, it turns out that "In-N-Out" is NOT a brothel but "Animal style" still means the same thing; so that was nice.


I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease. Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.


My wife found out I was cheating My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.


I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear


My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?


Princess Diana goes to heaven... Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim


Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia.


Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia? Because he was Snowd en!(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)


The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.


A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: " O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?"The Oracle: "Yes."Guy: "Aw."


Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents


I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, "So nothing new then"


Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price As I discovered on this Price comparison website


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man. He was a height supremacist.


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


Drake must miss being on tv Because he seems to be auditioning for How to Catch a Predator


I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C" She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"


Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.


My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow.


Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.


I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’.


What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.


Two Chinese guys break into a distillery. One turns and says to the other,"Is this Whiskey?"The other one says "Yes, but notas Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!


My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it Close butt, no cigar


When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy.


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


I booked a trip to visit the Cherokee in Oklahoma this summer, but having second thoughts... I'm having a reservation reservation reservation.


I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD. I never finished it.


I tried texting with gloves and it just wouldn't work... So I went back to texting with a phone.


What did the pickle do when it won the championship? He just stood there to relish the moment.


They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire but I still haven’t ruled it out.


[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body. Sometimes I can be a dick.


Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.


I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.


I made a promise to my new pair of underpants. I shit you not.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest.


Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.


What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan."


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.