This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was "Broil"


Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more


PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES. this is not a joke I’m suffering!


What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal? Me. It’s me.


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.


How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”


As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging.


A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar.. The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the  bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you!  You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're  about to start something."


I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters” and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.


What do a $100 grill and a $100 girl have in common? They will both ruin your meat.


What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand? Cuatro sink-o.


Who decided to call them deli slices and not... ... Meat Thins?


I asked my cat, "how are you?" He said he was, "feline fine"


whats a dogs favorite vegetable collie-flower


Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box." The box :"Meow."


How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.


My mother told me not to yell in the library. It was sound advice.


What's the difference between North Korea and the USA? In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson. In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.


All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.


Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin? Because he’s a bad parallel Parker


I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server


What do you call a sexually confused chimp Bi-curious george


My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!


Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot!


Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each Leonard only had a penny


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all.


Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...


Drunken Uncle joke: Why don't blondes use vibrators? It has a tendency to chip their theeth.


Only a genius can say these four words four times really fast # EYE, YAM, STEW, PEEDTell me if you get it


Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!


Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin


Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year


Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!


An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?""Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."


My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals. Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"


What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell? Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!


What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!


What do you call cross dressers with breast implants? Booby traps.


When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave It's called a 360 no soap


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food.


NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them! 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.  They said it would be like winning the Lottery!  To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him. FPO: Name?GT: Hans Schmidt.FPO: Age?GT: 36FPO: Occupation?GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!


In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.


Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine? He was fucking nuts


What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one.


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.


I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, 1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her


A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.


What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics


My wifi password is Thorironmanhulkscarletwitchvisionhawkeyecaptainamericathanos. I know that's hard to remember, but it had to be at least eight characters long.


Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.


Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first... Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.Editor 2: This blew up.


My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.


How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle He asks them: "Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"One of the three guys replies: "Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!"


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?


I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.


In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback


I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster. But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.


We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough.


Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist.


A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"


Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more


What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


A soldier came home from Afghanistan When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories. “I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”


I'm going to the dentist to have a bad tooth removed today. Rip tooth.


What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them? Gorilla Warfare.


I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD. I never finished it.


I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday Offended she asked: "Sex lessons? Isn't it good enough?"."Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.So you can finally learn how to blow."


A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”


After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


What do they call the rapper "50 Cent" in Venezuela? $1,554,270.59


I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class. When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.


What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!


I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.


I ruptured my colon by farting It was a gas


I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here.


My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.


What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme? A Rapscallion!


Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent! Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.


What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle.


Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.


My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal.


Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower.


I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir.


why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked. I'm going to give you enough blood," Goddeclared, "to use only one of them at a time."


What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc] A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.


What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat.


Forget cougars, I'm a Puma hunter On the hunt Looking forPussy Under My Age


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.


I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land.


Why is "R" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C.


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work... She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na


The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:People who profit as a result of their occupation.CONS:People found guilty of a criminal offense.


What is a samurai’s favorite type of cheese? Sharp cheddar


What time does Sean Connery play tennis? Ten-ish


What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed.


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


Why did Norway’s Navy have barcodes on all the ships? So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian...


Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it? Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia.


Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper? Well don’t.It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?" The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying..."


Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ? Because attachments are forbidden.


If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?


A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'


Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up.


I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill.


A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?""Hans Muller" replies the German."Occupation?""No, just visiting this time."


If your election lasts more than 48 hours, consult a physician.


Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones


I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it. If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.


Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin.


A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says ...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.


What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.


I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."


So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.


I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining It's really irrigating...


I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed They would be in for a shock


Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.


A mechanic finished up repairing a car and his apprentice is writing up the invoice... Apprentice says: "Boss, the total of the invoice comes up to $876".   The boss responds: "Round it up to an even thousand."   Few seconds later, the boss pipes up again: "Actually, put it at $1126, so it doesn't look rounded."


Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater


Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens.


Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince.(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)


A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, "Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!""For starters, you're not eating right."


As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China.


What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on.


What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. (Norm McDonald)Dumb, but I laughed


There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now


My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online. Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?


I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory. We have been inseparable ever since we met.


I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield


I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.


I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.


Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!


If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow.


What do you call a really old OBGYN? A Gynosaur


My uncle picked me up from school during recess today! My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!


Five boys lined up for a race The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed putThe starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”


My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one.


What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner... I want some Oral, B


I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins.


I just nicknamed my new phone "Titanic" so whenever it's charging I can say "the Titanic is synching."


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!


We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, 'What's upstairs!?' I chuckled and replied, 'Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!'


Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space.


Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen.


How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket.


It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians They always leave their patients in stitches!


Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.


I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday. How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me.


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old.


RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(


I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set He told me there would be repercussions


What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane? MAST DESTRUCTION!!!I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...


Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!


My lawyer is a U2 fan So he was glad to represent them in a court case pro Bono


bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin


You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk.


Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.


Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets


I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.


Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up


Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath.


The U.S. is currently at 34 people / km2 while India is at 424 people / km2... ...but actually, the U.S.'s population is a lot denser.


A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”


Grilled some hotdogs and offered my friend one He said, "No thanks, I'm Jewish."I said, "Don't worry, they're free."


I really hate Norton’s security software... ...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec


What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies


Now that Lucasfilm is owned by Disney . . . Will ILM be removing the Notre Dame Cathedral from the Hunchback cartoon?


Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer? He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.


What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.


The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd… …they've left those kids a loan.


A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?


What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial


Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?


The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever


I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.


I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark, help!” I just laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order.


My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land It was a very heavy bird den


I'd hate to be a knight They take L's left and right.


Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


Why are dragons so good at rapping? Because they're always spitting fire.


Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow. All I'll have left is a ;


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.


Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota.


Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.


One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first."


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still


A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.


Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads


Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”... ...he was an actor.


South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.


What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.


Why do plants use photosynthesis? So they can have a light snack


I was in a taxi the other day and the driver turned to me and said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, no one tells me what to do!" Then I told him to turn left.


I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite


A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?


Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him.


A poem In days of oldWhen Knights were boldAnd toilet lights were dimYou'd hear a splash and then a shout'Oh no! He's fallen in'


I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars


It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!


Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball? They say he had perfect pitch.


Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring? No matter what, they always seemed a bit "short handed".


I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !


A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell.


The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says, "I don't care, just give me something hoppy."


What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors.


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


My brother has the hands of a surgeon... And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm.


Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!


Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.


I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”


Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury.


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.


A perfectionist walked into a bar Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.


I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".


It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child


If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!


The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer. Neurologist said it was all in my head.


Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common? They aren’t PC


Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was She said ''Fuck you''so i'm pretty excited for 2022


What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period


A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls


There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back. I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.


A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... "Excellent son, good job!" The dad says. "I'd rate this 47/46."


My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!


Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30 No idea how to wake it up though...


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.


How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.


"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!"


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? "GRRRAAAIINS!"


Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough.


My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????
General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..
Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???


Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting.


What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines? It gets tau'd.


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer: "yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"


A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -	Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.-	-	-	Jane ate her friend’s colon.


Why doesn't Iran have an Walmarts? Because they have a Target at every corner.


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*


What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.


I heard they just opened a BBQ restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest Careful though, the steaks are high.


i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers


A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says "sorry, we only do plain"


My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory. He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.


Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long.


Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery


A man walks up to me and says.. .."Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?"I say "Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam."


So my therapist said time heals all wounds so I stabed him and now we wait


What do a pervert and Ash Ketchum have in common? The both want a Pikachu.


How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.


Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again


All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.


I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches They're my grains


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!


Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.


If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money.... .....what colour Ferrari would you buy?


Overheard during lunch How is that your name is Melody but all that's coming out from you is noise?


What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents


I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.


Why is Drake such a good chemist? He can turn an O2 into an O3


Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu


What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use? 2B, or not 2B.


Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar?


Roses are red, Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellowI bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts


School report. My teacher gave us an assignment to tell her our idols and then say what we would do if they walked in our house. I got off easy because I said Stephen Hawking.


Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.


What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon? We make a GRAY team!


In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens. In Detroit, you ignore both.


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented? Now that's groundbreaking idea!


The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck. I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.


How the Portuguese language was invented?? A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.


My New Years resolution is to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!


A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name? The *Tooth Ferry*.


A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!" "Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."


My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan... But he does like Hernando.


As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it.


I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist


We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9? Because you need 3 square meals a day!


What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.