I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.


My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass Whether they like it or not.


Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*


Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."


I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any.


What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.


Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94. It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...


A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims Supplies!


I googled "how to start a wildfire"... I got 48,500 matches.


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?""How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!""Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".


I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.


If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… …then my illegal logging business is a success


Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)


Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible.


Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars. Now they have cameras everywhere.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel? A clever dick


I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?""Beer and women!", Tim replied


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus.


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!


Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl Bro: Who?Me: Exactly


What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”


My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat


Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush”


What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


I used to have a good life , successful job and health Then i stopped playing Sims


Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”


Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s pretty time consuming. Credit: My 5 year old niece.


I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"


I still remember the last thing my grandmother ever said to me “What are you doing with that hammer?”


I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”


With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean.


Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday.


The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+


I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


A friend of mine asked what my IQ was... I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.


Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath. Therefore this made  him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.


I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names


Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius.


The United Kingdom is breaking up! Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.


What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.


Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!" I replied, "It's alright, I'm patient."


What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.


My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.


Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"


Why was the high wire artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance.


Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:” I’d pay to see that bloody shit.


A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."


Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.


Something light in light of Hurricane Florence Q: What do corals get stressed about?A: Current events


Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.


Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs


I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance. ....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.


Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time.


I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: “Well, I guess now you really are… independent".


What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!


As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are


TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized


What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet


What sort of girlfriend a potato wants? A sweet potato Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.


What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale


My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.


Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea? Because they're sea pickles!


It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country.


Superman... Superman walks into a room with a pancake on his head...Not all heroes wear crepes.


You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music.


As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"


England doesn’t have a kidney bank But it does have a Liverpool


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it. Pun ant ended


I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away


Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef? He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"Credit: my dad


My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"Paddy says, "What's his name?"Mick replies, "Miles, from London."


Did you know Boy George loves to regularly post jokes on Reddit? He is a real Karma Comedian!


I thought about posting a joke about salt but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.


Last Thursday, Bob ran into the supermarket in a hurry. "Ouch!" he said, then continued on his way, making sure to run around the supermarket this time.


Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around


Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great. So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet But normally they have only four


ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon.


A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”


What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton... ...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."


Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant.


An argument between a couple GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split upBF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way


I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.


What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin


Trump has 2 parts of his brain, the right part and the left part The right part has nothing leftAnd the left part got nothing right


A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says: Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.


What time does Sean Connery play tennis? Ten-ish


A patient says to a dentist : " you pulled out a tooth in like 3 seconds and you get the money, not fair! What an easy career" The dentist replies: " sounds right. Let's make it 3 hours long."


I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon


What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."


Saw A Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes and rabbit feet I thought to myself he's really pushing his luck


Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible


Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war? He did Nazi it coming.


A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...


Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die? 00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)


(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..


In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"


People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot


[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?" Salesman: "Car no do that.  Car go road."


You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?” “Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him.


Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.


Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food? Brians


What do wounded alligators drink? Gatorade


As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time.


One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out... When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors.


My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her.


Life at a snail’s pace One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop. Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door. He opens to find the same snail. “What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.


Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP


My dad always called me "Pancake" He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program.


Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir.


Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop.


I'm dating a farmer girl I fucked her ass, I enjoyed it but the barn was pretty cold. I guess I'll try fucking her next time.


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft


"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?" asked the cafe waiter. "This is ground coffee," I replied.


I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments. But it was cancelled.


What does Disney and Viagra have in common? You wait 3 hours for a 3 minute ride.


Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.


What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin


[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more


Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query


Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.


What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab? A cop ejects shells much more often


What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common? You always know you’re getting a happy ending.


What was the least productive period of the USSR? When their leader was Stalin for 30 years


Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this.


I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless. But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.


What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Bert: "Ernie, how do I look?" Ernie: "With your eyes, Bert."


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each. It's just nuts.


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”


My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.


What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? "I know what I saw."


My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.


Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible


Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider? It's called Shallot's Web


A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"Man: "Well, it's a long story."


The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I'm also not crazy about our dog's name.


For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied


A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was... "Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!""And why is that?""They're really putting me through the ringer!"It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup.


A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay". I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".


An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome, Instead the poor guy got ozoned.


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anybody can mash potatoes.


Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty


The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.


My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers After all, we are *homie sapiens*


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: "What do you want, Sonny?"He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"


I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”


Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.


My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9. That’s odd.


Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation? Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment.


A poem (Nsfw) There once was a gal from Cancun,Who had a most curious poon.T'was coarse like a thistle,But tight as a whistle,And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.


Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears? All french bears are ours


I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now I'm focusing on something else.


War joke My sister has that Afghanistan pussy, I never pull out.


What does a tornado and a wife have in common? They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head.


China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding


What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode.


The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ..."This is the whey"(Sorry)


What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ? RedditCredit: My 10 yr old Niece.


My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore.


My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving


How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty.


There were three plastic surgeons And a wooden one


After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows.


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake


So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?


What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe


Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.


Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon


Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house? Because it leads to domestic violins.  (From my 9 year old...)


Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”


What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda? A fizz-ician (physician)


If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep? On the heir mattresses-Repost because of spelling-


My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure. I said "what is that"  she said "other men's dick's"


I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5


What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store? A coronal mass ejection.


Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.


What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius? Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!


What do the head of marketing for Metamucil and the head of Infrastructure at AT&T have in common? Both are in charge of fiber optics.


How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.


What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer.


I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together


Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him "Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.


My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.


no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.


My wife missed her last 2 periods She doesn't know when to stop.


Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal? IDK, force of hobbit I guess


Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians


How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.


ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon.


What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew.


I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.


Most Star Trek fans aren't big into poetry, so I knew that writing and publishing a book of Trek-themed poems would be risky but rewarding. The project had its prose and Khans.


Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"


2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May.


Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!


I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*


Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster? So the cock could doodle too


The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor.


The person who created the sign "CAUTION HOT SURFACE"... ...in braille, was an evil genius.


As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.


What flower is on your face? Your tulips.


I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.


If you were trying to seduce a squirrel You'd have to be pretty nuts


Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture? Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson


What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand


Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.


What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.


Mosquitoes What sound does an American mosquito make?BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzWhat sound does a Canadian mosquito make?EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh


Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied: “They hate us cuz they anus”


Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March.


I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday. The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.


What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t.


I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.


Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.


There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents


I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> .


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


I have a clean conscience - it's never been used.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable.


What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain.


What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod."


I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.


The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.


Which country's capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland. It's a controlled Bern.


How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.


I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown, I thought "recognition at last"


I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today It made me really


If the air conditioning in your car dies, all you need is some WD-40. Windows Down - 40mph


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


A boy tried to pick a flower [OC] the flower took a **pistil** and shot him in **style**


What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance


I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight. I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.


What do you call two men who bang the same chick? Smash bros


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs? In Liverpool.


50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"


Internet arguments are like connect four but you only have three pieces


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc


Actor: to be or not to be? ######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...sounds like more than two


What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad.


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.


Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.


A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.


How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out


Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent. So a subreddit


Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.


First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish


I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation.


Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night


Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog.*ba dum tsss*ba dum tishidk


Why did the broken printer become a rockstar? Because it liked to jam all the time


Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!


I bought a book I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".I don't know what possessed me !


We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin


Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*


If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there? European


I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore. Reminds me of being at my uncle's house


How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc


A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.


Took a job in a fertiliser factory... It's my first daytime job where they give me nitrates.


Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me.


What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum


What would you say to a good masturbation tip ? That wood cum in hand'y


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.


What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


Potassium and Oxygen hooked up It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.


The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.


There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now


What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients


Why is television called a medium? Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done


Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant.


My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”


What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary? Oh bee HIVE!


Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)


Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.” Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*


What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award


Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference? Pay-per plates


My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.” So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”


My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie.


Why does a giraffe have a long neck? So it can reach it's head.


[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”


Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person; It's bound to come up sooner or later!


My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove. I said he was running a Jackson 5k.


A German man visits America for holiday. The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"The man says: "No, only holiday!"


A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls


Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."


I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.


Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater


I asked my two year old niece to count one to ten She answered: 1 2 10


A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.


As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!


All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar... The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.


A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on... What-Jamaican


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


Damn girl you must be a bank account Because I have zero interest


What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!


Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.


Why is that airbender sad? I don’t know! He is having an Elemental breakdown


Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"  Edna:  "If you ask him nicely."


What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.


I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most.


My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.


Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes.


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!


Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump.


Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did that, I didn't even KNOW it was her birthday!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Accidentally used my wife's electric toothbrush... I don't remember her eating fish for lunch.


Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much.


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.


What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.


What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer.


Name a ground breaking invention A shovel


Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head.


What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders


If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why.


Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.


What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.


I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'


My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it. Anyone looking for an apartment?


It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin


My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.


I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest... She had a cracking pair of tits.


I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.


(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."


Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.


I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song.


My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it.


The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.


What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe


I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium. It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted.


Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out


We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece. Now, he’s a great uncle


My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow.


My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison... He's never going to finish his sentence.


Beautiful clams don't look out for others They're pretty shellfish


It's a boy Once little johny was playing in the park when a pregnant woman passes by him.Little Johny says "So, it's a boy, this time"Woman, amused, asks him" How do you know ?"Little johny replies" I could see his moustache, through your pant's zipper "


Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P


I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule.


A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.


A monk once explained me the beauty of silence . I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.


Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked.


Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)


Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain.


I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes... My great grandfather died at Auschwitz,  so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted,  he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts.


My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV So I changed the Chanel


What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot


So a network specialist comes up to me and says "do you wanna here a joke?" There was a Linux error


What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke.


In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.


We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar... Now those days are behind me.


A time traveler goes to eat. After his meal, he notices he's still hungry. He goes back four seconds


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.