Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!


Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)


(pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!


Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great!


(pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!


You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.


I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David!


I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy.


Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.


(to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.


(to the one sitting next to him) Really?


Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!


Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?


She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!


(nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!


(to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?


Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!


(to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?


I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.


Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.


Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?


Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!


(In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you.


(Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.


All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.


I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was!


You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little tired.


He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps.


How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall!


That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.


And she's... turning on the TV... and watching... Miss Congeniality!


(caresses the wall with his finger) Bye!


He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... (walks to Phoebe and Monica)


Okay, well we'll go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? The people that care about you?


Not quite. Monica's still at the salon, and I'm just finishing packing.


You're not supposed to take that. Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you gonna do with it?


I think.... I think I can see your scalp.


What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears.


Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados doesn't care about your social life.


Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there.


You go back to work tomorrow night, right?


So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn?


It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!


Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp.


Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different.


Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay?


If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose?


(trying to untangle her) Some of these look a little frayed.


Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me?


(Picks up the "Miss Congeniality" DVD) She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant.


You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.


So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?


That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?


You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?


I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.


Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.


I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.


I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.


But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?


Which technically now you should give back!


I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."


Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.


Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?


I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)


Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous?


What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.


You mean like this? (he starts touching his thigh in a funny and awkard way)


Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. (They look at each other, both embarassed)


Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs!


She went on one of those spray-on tan places.


Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off.


Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect?


No, had it done to me though. Feels good !


Hang on, she鈥檚 right here. (he enters the living room and hands the phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya.


Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!


If she asks, I protested a little, but ok!


That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey!


Kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys...


Actually, no. No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time.


I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)


I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in.


No, I just had to get a picture of this.


Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend.


Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was!


There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim...


Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...


Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening.


I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica!


Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?


We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. (Ross looks disappointed and switches the camcorder off)


(Yelling) What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out looking shocked)


You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right?


(Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!


I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do?


I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica?


Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little.


Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom?


There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one?


Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did.


Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? (holds up his index finger again)


Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested.


So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?


And that became 鈥榯hey are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?


You know what? You don鈥檛 need a thesaurus, just write from here, (points at his own heart) your full sized aortic pump.


I doubt that! Tell her about us last year.


She's right! If I were a guy and... (stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?


Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing!


Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think?


Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming?


Can we read it? Can you print out another copy?


It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)


(on the phone) Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and.. (listens) Uh-huh... Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. (hangs up looking very confused).


They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter.


She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings.


I think she looks cute. (Rachel turns around and stares at him angrily) ... but I am wrong!


Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat?


Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!


Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it.


Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial!


Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!!


Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part.


First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor.


Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?


Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.


He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!


That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away).


Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested.


(Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man.


(sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches!


(looks surprised) What!? Of course I did!


(now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did!


(following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face)


(In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone) No!


I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar!


Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something...


Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?


Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not.


I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?


That's funny, we were doing the same thing!


Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.


It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.


(to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!


Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.


You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!


Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live.


(he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!


I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.


Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)


But you already gave all your money to charity!


That鈥檚 sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady.


Oh, because we love kids. Love 鈥榚m to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.


But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building.


Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.


(Screams to interrupt Joey) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!!


Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)


WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!!


Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie.


(nervous smile) You can't make this stuff up!


Any room that isn't behind this couch! (laughs nervously)


(escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.


And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)


Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year.


Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.


Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!


We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?


Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?


You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!


I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. (pause) What, he's my favourite author!


You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.


I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile".


You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!


Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back.


You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.


Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!


Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!


I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!


(peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game!


(looking through the peephole again) Ross' shirt is torn.


Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?


(looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.


Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)


HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts!


Please let me stay on this side of the door.


He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They both look away)


The floating heads do make a good point.


Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.


That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.


(sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools!


Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!


Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you!


(to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did!


We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio.


Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up.


Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better..


I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word.


So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'?


Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?"


Thank you so much for agreeing to see us.


(astonished) I don't think that's exactly...


So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife鈥檚 a reverend, that鈥檚 important to you?


Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?


You should be. You鈥檙e really on top of stuff..


It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else.


She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica.


But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this?


Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. Monica: (realizes Chandler is right. She's almost crying) okay, right. (They hug)


So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us.


The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor.


I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like.


Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York.


You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again.


Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.


But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?


(looking at her) Seriously, answer faster!


Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day.


Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!


It鈥檚 perfect. It鈥檚 everything we鈥檝e been looking for.


And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said?


This is bringing out a lovely color in you!


I don鈥檛 know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy鈥檚 car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.


We don鈥檛. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing.


Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?


Yeah (motions them to sit and they do) I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.


...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.


Actually, we already found a house we love.


Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh?


I know this is really hard and we're really sorry.


(goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before)


Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!


(To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)


Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.


Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.


No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)


Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.


Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer.


(to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.


Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then.


I just didn't want to tell you in front of them.


We're getting the house. (they hug) We're getting the house.


Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house.


You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!


(looking around) Did I go to this school?


You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her.


Are you asking permission to break the pact?


Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!


You know, our band is playing on Friday.


I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out.


All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.


All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with.


Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway.


Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact.


(to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all!


I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.


ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around)


Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)


Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her.


(smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?


O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)


Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room".


Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago.


(smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm..


(sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?


Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.


Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.


Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.


Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?


Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?


You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.


No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.


(to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow.


This is like figure skating team all over again. (Phoebe and Ross glare at him astonished) I mean synchronized swimming. (they continue to glare) I mean- I mean the balance beam. (to Ross) Help me!


I know, I hate being left out of things.


Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.


Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.


Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!


(almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug)


Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.


Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.


Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy!


Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.


(Getting up and raising his fist in victory) Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler.


(smiling to himself too) That's what I was doing too.


You told us both we could be in the wedding? (they both stare at Rachel)


So technically, would this person be in the wedding?


I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.


(to Ross) Na ha ha... (to Chappy) Ne he he... (Ross moves Chappy to Chandler, who quickly backs away) Ah ah...


(to Monica) Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?


I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had.


I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to.


Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?


Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!


Great! (to Monica) This baby'd better to be really good.


(enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!


Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know.


Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?


So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?


Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)


Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.


I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.


I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right?


Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!


O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?


Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?


Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often.


You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. (she shrugs)


Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.


Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?


Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.


That's what we were gonna name the baby.


You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.


Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!


And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.


When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?


Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.


You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?


It's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!


For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.


My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can't really place what he just said)


Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?


We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright.


I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic.


Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay.


It feels like we鈥檙e cheating on our house. And if we鈥檙e gonna cheat, shouldn鈥檛 it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won鈥檛 do?


(at Janice's punching) Don't, don't! (looks disgusted)


The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers.


That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?


Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out.


Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!


(looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)


Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here.


Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off.


Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.


Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.


Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away.


(speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now.


So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven.


At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?


No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs.


(holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?


Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!


I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!


Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!


Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!


Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?


Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)


(he doesn't look excited anymore). Well played.


(to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)


No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room.


Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they?


Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?


Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving.


Ooh, not so tight... (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me one more chance.


I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't.


Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years.


That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.


Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party.


Joey and I can finish up in the guest room.


(to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)


Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are.


Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used.


Relax! We'll just get her some antacids.


This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!


It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together.


Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?


Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.


One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this.


Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.


(emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see.


I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does.


Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!


Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.


Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?


Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?


Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody.


What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king?


Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!


(To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough!


Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet.


Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together.


I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited!


We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.


I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow.


And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.


I don't know. Except that, for one last time... (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.


We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!


Well, at least we got these little guys out.


Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?


Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you.


Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room.


You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry.


I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?


(to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call two dogs breathing heavily? A pair of pants


Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating. Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.Britain was at the door.Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.


Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper.


What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis.


I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”


Can you stop staring at my gf when she's breastfeeding at the mall???? When I'm thirsty I'm thirsty.


My son asked me: "would you sell me for a million dollars?!?" I said "never in a million billion years!!"He asked "what about 2 million"I said "are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man"


Why do squirrels live in trees? Because they’re fucking nuts!


I’m glad # is not called pound anymore. Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.


Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came


Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.


What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!


When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.


Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!” They were still arguing when the train hit them.


Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one


What do you call an Italian transvestite? A grease trap.


Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!


Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why I only know who


After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years


What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!


My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful. Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.


My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair...... Now neither of us are rolling


I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it


A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting.


What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto


Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware! Could be a set up.


I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes... ...it was malarious!


What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*


“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”


German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.


Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country.


Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation.


Mother in law... Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”


Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop? It’s just plain common scents.


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long. I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line


I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla Ice creamed


Stormy Daniels should run for president If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming.


Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say... But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter.


What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common? When they get discovered, their career blows up.


When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee. It is considered a family hairloom.


What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man.


if Lays had invented air hockey it would be just air


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like... but that Pan really gets my goat.


Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls.


I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little.


I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security.


What do you call a hacker stuck in his house after a winter storm? Edward Snowed-in


If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms


"do you believe in ghosts?" **Me:** lol no— even my grandma says that's dumb"dude your grandma died 10 years ago"**Me:** what?!


Ruth wasn't invited to the party. The people at the party were ruthless.


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple


Husband: How do you turn Alexa off? Wife: Walk around naked.


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood.


You stole my viola, cello, and double bass. You made me so angry, I'm violint now.


Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked.


Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even.


My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier But with more body


Bet your bottom dollar... ...there's a coin up your ass.


Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary? The situation really needs a dressing!


Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on.


I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters


Why does the brain experience so much anxiety? Because it’s part of the nervous system


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job? Because there was no margarine for error.


Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player? They both go three periods before taking a shower.\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.


Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks? Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.Seriously though, fuck geese.


Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher.


There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now


It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair.


I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”... ...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop.


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.


Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo? Everyone thought it was ricest.


What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet? I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.


What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? "I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"


What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money? Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.


Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band.


According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too.


I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave"..... And i said "So did i all my friends"...


My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant. Roll on 2019


Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again. She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you.


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


What’s the best pickup line for a girl in a wheelchair “What’s up Hot Wheels”


I bought two hermit crabs I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???


Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars


My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!


In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


What do you give a pig when it's poor? An oink-ment!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.


I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash


My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period.


Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory


A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser


I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser.


Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment.


Jesus calls to John And Jesus said "John come forth and you will win eternal life!"But John came fifth so he only won a free dinner at Geno's Steak & Pizza.


What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks.


Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.


An argument between a couple GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split upBF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.


What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday).


I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite


As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: "This really takes me back".


Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”  The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”


I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs. I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"


Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.


Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good. Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.Me: Knock Knock.Interviewer: Who?Me: 2nd US President.Interviewer: 2nd US President who?Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.


What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say? What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?


What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train? *I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*


What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale


I got into an argument with a blind man. He just couldn't see my point of view.


I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain. I got all wheat.


Joe biden enters the white house. Donald trump says "you don't have the right to take the presidency from me!" Joe Biden responds: "perhaps not, but I do have the left!"


What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.


What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent? A Nun-Disclosure Agreement


Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?" Husband: Your weight?


Secretary walks into the President's room Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.


A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state. So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.


Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber


I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I’m not too worried about it


I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her ‘Cagey B’


Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later.


What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul


Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back


Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.


Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar, Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long.


My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house


A couple friends and I are opening a chicken wings restaurant called the "Right Wing Cafe." We don't actually sell any wings, we just complain about other wing places.


Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ? \- you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh


Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that...


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass Brittle and full of sand


What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav


2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking.


I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.


My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock. He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"


Dad: I know of a perfect way to rob a bank. Son: What is it?Dad: It’s a place where people keep their money.


A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads


Why did the Americans win the space race? Because the soviets were Stalin.


I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag So I stopped and asked him why.He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.Fair enough, but I prefer custard


What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows? Browsing.


You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music.


what do you get if you cross a poodle with a pit bull? not much of a watchdog, but it’s a vicious gossip.


Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?Kermit the frog's middle finger


Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent He just ran out of space


My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor They were definitely cheap shots.


Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”


What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies


My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary.


Offensive crayon ideas! Presidential OrangeMiscarriage MaroonPrivilege WhiteTravel Ban BrownLives Matter Black"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue


A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene.


A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"


We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air.


I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed.


Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°.


What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.


You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for president.


Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother."Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.""Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him." Johnny then frowned."I was sitting on Daddy's lap"


A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire. He suffered a Corona discharge.


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives


If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB


I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue.


Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers.


In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle


A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \*conversation at dinner\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage.


Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway.


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl


You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.


Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous Lyres, all of them


The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them… It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…


I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag.   The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office.  I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting  furniture.  My nightmare continues.


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.


I just got a dog who likes to play soccer and roll on the ground I decided to call him "neybark"


My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.*...she cracks me up*


I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said ......."I'm into anal".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said "Animal".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!


TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.


What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone? Bisaxual


A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.


Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!


So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E! I owe you!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.