What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


There was a Motorcycle crash in my street I shouted “let me through “ are you a doctor they asked I said “ no it’s my Pizza”


As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are


What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.


I ran into this vegan girl at a cafe the other day She said she knew me, but I had never met herbivore!


Why do dragons like knights? The come with their own pans.


“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”


I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause... Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.


My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.


Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless


Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels...


I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”


What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common they both have foul balls


Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.


My grandson identifies as a waning moon. I can’t see much of my sun in him.


If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?


A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."


My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, “where did that come from?"


Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms.


I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed. I'd never felt cilia.


How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it.


A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction.... Lake Flaccid.


What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.


After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online. They arrived today, safe and sound.


Two cows walk into a barn "man i hate this farm", said the first one."mood", mooed the second cow.


accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.


Bank Robber: Where's the safe? Teller:Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THESAFE?Teller:Bank Robber: WTF!!Penn: He always does this.


I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time. She said that’s Ludacris


Why did Drake go back to High School? To pick up his girlfriend


I WENT to the bank and asked to open a joint account. The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?” I said, “With anyone who has money.”


Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)


I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly.


Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole


As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.


What do Tv and American schools have in common? there weren't any colours until the 60s


Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.


Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out.


Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet.


What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear? If you climb a tree to escape, a black bear can climb up the tree and you eat you.The grizzly bear will knock the tree down and eat you.


Did you hear about the Irish car prices? They're Dublin


My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.


I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.


It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy.


I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.


Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.


What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’.


One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside In other words, the prose and cons of jail


Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.


What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?"


One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors


How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle


I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums." "Erm...what?" she asked.I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."


A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says "Gosh, it's spooky in here!" And the clown says "What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!"


A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions


What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation


The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side.


Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book. Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.


Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion? Because he works tirelessly.


Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked. "Ever since my husband found a strangepair under the bed."


"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick." "You're what, son?


What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore


What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker


I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club.


A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3 A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3.He goes,"Uno, Dos...." and POOF!He disappears without a Tres.


My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant.


what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus


How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq Iran!


How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket.


What did the father printer say to the teenage printer? Don't use that toner with me.


Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said "you may not feel anything from the waist down." So I fondled her tits.


A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana. On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single. Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip  I was heels over head!


Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked.


Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this.


Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man


If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization.


Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air.


I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.


About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. Boy after that he went down hill fast.


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe? A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.


You've heard of the game Exploding Kittens? Well now there is a new game called Exploding Deer. It'll get you the biggest bang for your buck.


What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.


Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”


Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.


What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets? semi-prose


Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.


Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)


What are the most pointless things in the world? Spheres


i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, 1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."


Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.


What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton.


What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK.


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.


What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig? A bae con.


He does a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie.


What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls? They developed a taste for adventure.


What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two.


My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.


I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit.


A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\*


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.


medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"


When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant. That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.


In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's


How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me.


[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply.


What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.


Why didn’t Bob own any gloves? Because he didn’t have any hands. Knock knockWho’s there?Not Bob.


Someone asked me to sign their cast. So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."


A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"


I went to a brothel without any money. They told me to beat it.


Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID It was acute


A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."


My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy. I've been thinking about it for ages.Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.


If you were born in Iran and raised in the UK, what does that make you? A Ukranian?


A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, "Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!""For starters, you're not eating right."


You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes. A lot of them are really offensive.Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.


I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ... If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!


If The Joke about r/Jokes is That All The Jokes are Stolen/Copy Pasted... Does that mean when you see a joke, you've already Reddit?


My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed Because he was framed


Why is Japans birthrate so low? Because kids and cartoons can't get pregnant.


I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit. The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.


Why did the Skittles go to school? *They wanted to become Smarties*


Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents


What's an epileptic man's least favorite element? Cesium.


If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910.


Why do gang members play baseball? They like to hit and run.


3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.


Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home. I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".


What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute "Range Rover" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]


A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect mealSon: are you really sure I'm readyDad: yes son, it's thyme


What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste


Axe should make a deodorant called "English." Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.


My grandson Edit: please go easy on this joke - my 15 year old daughter made it.


Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line


What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo


What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette


When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex... So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.


What type of flower do you buy an orphan? Self Raising


Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears? No. The Rock pay per scissors


A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure,  but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.


What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis


Son, what do you have to say after your first tooth has fallen out? "To not to piss you off anymore or more will fly?"


February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards.


Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces.


A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”


What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”


My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate.


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...


My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition.


Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table. That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.


What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer? Journalism!


I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential


Who is the leader of international public health? Yes.


It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye? He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.(My 3 year old son came up with it)


What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Sir or Madam,Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies.  We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.Sincerely,The Internet Provider


I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"The old man replied: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!


What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo.


My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there.


Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken


TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.


Did you hear Trump is going back to television? Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.


As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass. Just like your mom.


I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it... And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.


I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.


How does a whale buy their drugs? By the krill-o-gram


2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember


What’s the best toothbrush for prostitutes? Oral D


Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake... because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”


A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless


Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!” A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”


How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated.


I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet. I call it my diarrhea!


There’s a reason why China has so many fake items And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women It's real thick to hide the bruises


Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills


Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed.


What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3? That's the wrong hole that's the wrong holeContext: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)


What does your mom and a Razor Scooter have in common? Everybody rode her, but won't admit it.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard.


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Ayatollah." "Ayatollah who?" "Ayatollah you already."


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!


I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face.


This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away


I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it. Its channeling dead people.


A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa." When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".


Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady. Me: You are bi-den?


I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager.


Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.


What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons


Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.


Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish? A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.


Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."Darth Vader  shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."


My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish. It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.


Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"


Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me I told her that’s terrible for the carpet


Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.


Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


Why do ad agencies use Meiosis? Because sex cells!I thought of this during biology earlier lol


Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored


What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.


"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.


Where do border patrol officers go on vacation? Iceland


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


What would a streaming service run by The Great Old One be called? C’Hulu


What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush, you perverts.


Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait.


My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"


My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her


Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”


A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.


What’s the white stripes favourite kind of moisture? Dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew


Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '


Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods.


Why is Italy shaped like a backslash and not the letter I? Because it is in "italics".


TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.


It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.


To all those people that say "age is just a number"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word.


OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot.


I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill


A Priest was reciting a poem, "Roses are red violets are blue". My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62.


What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA


My niece calls me ankle... I call here kneesWe are a joint family!


A submarine sounds the emergency alarm “What is it? cries the captain.“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.


Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch.


What's a horse's number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why don't you buy things with Velcro? It's a rip-off.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive? Sad Dan


Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They've really been making headlines.-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.


Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one.


It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me "Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!"


A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.


How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors? Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.


What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist


What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite track and field event? Sheeplechase.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


The wife stands on the scale Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.


What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.


Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”


Has the Abominable snowman called? “Has the abominable snowman called?” my friend asked me To which I replied “Not Yeti”


There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide...All the survivors were marooned.


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


"Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother in law?" "He didn't have a mother in law, son, because he lived in paradise"


I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse


Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive.


They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons


Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line? When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital.


When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)


What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.


Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party? He was a square.


What do you call four bull-fighters standing in quicksand? Quatro sinko.


Why are dragons such good story tellers? Because they have long tails


I was a turtle in my past life... It's slowly coming back to me.


A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF...


A Jewish girl asked for my number I told her we use names now.


Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too


What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic.


I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’


What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.


What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl.


What is a pirate's favourite element? Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray


My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.


I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer.... But the printer always jams!


What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)


I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds. I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.


I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken.


What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old.


What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.


A waterbender, a firebender, an airbender and an earthbender walk into a bar He orders a pint


Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken


A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?


How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I tried watching The Neverending Story. Couldn't finish it.


"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun.


Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old. All tucked away nicely in my freezer!


Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit


The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year. Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.


What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking.


Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)


Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion


I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.


A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit "I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


If Hyena's could throw Would they be called Hyeeta's?


A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.  “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.


Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October


Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats.


I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke.


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


Zip line.... My grandfather was getting measured for a hand made suit at a very upscale tailor. The tailor asked him if he would prefer a zipper or buttons for the fly. Grandad thought about it and said, "Let's go with the buttons they're quieter in the movies."


A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.


I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist


The hardest part about my grandmothers death? Making it look like an accident.


What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp


Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?


My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food? Only Thyme


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? With the help of a hose eh.


I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um... tsss


What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem? "Is it in yet?"


This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?" I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."


What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming? Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you


A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed... "Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"


Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa


What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece? It’s all relative


French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!


Stupid pun i just thought of A boy comes home to his dog after being a weekend away at the beach as he plops onto his bed he takes a big sniff and asks himself:“did the dog crap or am i just imagining shit?”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok he woke up.


What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'


Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning? Because the early beard gets the wyrm


You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork


I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”


Why did the Tiger run away from the lion? The lion invaded the golf-course.


My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much


What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off? Not waking up to pee.


A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.


I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.


Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What do you call a marriage between two violins? A homo-sectional marriage.


Why are lions more honorable than tigers? A lion wouldn't cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.


What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar? Three golfers lying about their game


What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie? Will's myth.


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.


I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me


50 shades of grey Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!Girl 1: And the index?Girl 2: Exhausted...


I phoned in sick today "Exactly how sick are you?""Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."


I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe. I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.


What is an example of a Facebook paradox? Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on? The captain's dinghy


I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart


Why is fruit squash banned in Germany? They have a bad history with concentrated juice


Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking


What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!


A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable.


A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"The man replies, " like a glove."


Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid... so they decided to see inside one of their heads. Upon removal of the scalp they found nothing but a piece of string. Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off.


Do you like Dead Pan jokes? Well that's good because Neverland is just purgatory for children.


Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week


People who vaccinate their kids are crazy! Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!


A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"


Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon.


What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


I like to name my hotdog "The Moment"... ...so I can relish it


What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.


I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower.. It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)


I hate spelling errors You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.


Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived? Someone ordered a McGregor


Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders


Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]


I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.


What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.


A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today Police are combing the area


The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)


I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!” and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!


You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture? In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus


Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"


So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it


My wife really want a makeup set for her birthday , but I bought her something better Adobe Photoshop 1 year licenseI will renew it on her next birthday.


The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers" I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?


A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number” The son says it’s wrongThe dad asks “what’s ten times two?”The son replies “Twenty”Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”


This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”


Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered


Two flowers growing in a field First flower turns to the second and says 'you know, I really fancy you'Second flower replies 'I really fancy you, too'First flower says 'where are the bees when you need them??'


My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.