It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer


What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne


I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it.


I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head.


What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!


I realized that driving a golf cart isn’t as easy as it looks. But I finally got it down to a tee.


What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!


I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.Send bail money.


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: "Name?"Tourist: "Andrew"Security: "Residency"Tourist: "Idaho"Security: "Occupation?"Tourist: "No No, just visiting"


My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII. I come from a line of seasoned veterans.


what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke.


My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful. Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.


If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type. They're all .jpigs.


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.


My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.


What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)


People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al.


I Have No Idea How I Got Lice. They just appeared out of thin hair.


Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant? He was following up reports of a possible hummus side


BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals


Judge: So, Mr. Gonzalez, you are here on one charge of armed robbery. How do you plead? Gonzalez: My abuela told me to do it.Judge: Case closed, have a good day, Mr. Gonzalez.


What did the biology teacher tell the frog? Looks aren't everything, it's what inside you that really matters.


I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath.


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


What do you call a dinosaur sliding down broke back mountain? A Megasaurus.


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them


We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece. Now, he’s a great uncle


Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.


Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands.


If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know. It's mine.


What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)


What's the best way to make people see your joke? Leave your zipper open


My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.


Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.


My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues


What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo


Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done.


I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks


I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ... She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”(hat tip: Spike Milligan)


This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;


Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies.


I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working. It just doesn't make any scents


What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush


A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies. And to his sons, he gives sunflowers


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


Why did the blacksmith get fired.... He smelt like shit, and made a forgery.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon.


Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? They've got loads of spirit.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom Because they’re all dead


A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.


Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.


I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake. I said it Israel.


What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo.


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks


A filthy toothbrush.. One day the toothbrush had enough of it and said “damn, I have the filthiest job in the whole wide world”. The toilet paper replied: “ you sure?”.


Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... "May the 4th be with you"


I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass


Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children.

I'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement.


What's Forrest Gump's internet password? 1forest1


What is the best country for retired runners? Iran


A clam walks into the bar... The bartender asks him, "how the hell did you do that?"


"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive." I think they've hired Neymar.


I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.


What’s a canibal’s favourite soup? Vegetable soup


What language a stomach speaks? Hungarian


A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs" The other chimp looks at him funny in response.The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"


Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum


I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.


An American guy goes to a currency conversion shop... ...and notices the changing rates of the US dollar. He says to the clerk, "Wow...fluctuations..." The clerk angrily replies, "HEY! FLUCK YOU WHITE GUYS TOO!"


I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.


What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.


Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....


If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job


Rearrange these letters to from words 1.pneis2.buttsxeDid u get *spine* and *subtext*yeah neither did i


In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true.


My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said. I think he's in for a shock.


How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar... The bar tender looks up "What is this? A joke?"


If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin... I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.


Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!


A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?" The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"


Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything.


Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.


I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably. I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".


A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?" "It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


If you bury a person in the wrong plot of land, and the only thing you can give their family as compensation are the hand shovels you used... you've made a grave mistake, and are paying for it in spades


When I'm in new relationship my stomach hurts Not from butterflies or anything...From holding farts in.


I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons.


What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma.


My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!


My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.


Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash


Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.


How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.


What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.


Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


It's all about grip Why don't witches wear panties?Better grip on the broom!


A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”


I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server


Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find


I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist


We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)


When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".


What's the friendlist element out there? Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


Doug Jones’ margin of victory is so small Roy Moore is going to try and molest it.


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way, Would have been knocking boots with his wife.


What do you call a Brit who struggles to use a zipper? Bloody bellend.


What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female? A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped.


Two calendars fell in love with each other They went on a lot of dates


A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.


Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone.


my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that


What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.


Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!


I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short...... Don't ever date a leg


Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads


Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess. But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.


Why did the chicken cross the road? To social distance. (Credit to my 10 year old niece for coming up with this one.)


Three is a crowd Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house.   Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love?   Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.


The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I'm also not crazy about our dog's name.


why summer didn't have any friends because she wasn't cool enough


What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien? E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.


Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.


I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.


Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation... I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.


I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T.


Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people


I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation.


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me.


Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station... The service station attendant looks over and says "looks like you've blown a seal""No I haven't," says the Walrus, "I've just finished an ice-cream."


Santa gives humpty presents Why did santa gave humpty a present Cause he is a good egg


Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home. I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".


My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..." "...I never glisten!"She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**


What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus


A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do? He buys sickles


What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there.


I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.


Sometimes, the greatest joke of all is when you explain why you refuse to tell the joke. Actually, your kids will always say it's better when you refuse to tell the joke, but tell them these anyway.


What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands.


What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.


What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad.


What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus


What did the vertebrae say when returning from vacation? I'm back!


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


What’s the difference between a brick and a red velvet cake? Not much, if we’re going off my mother-in-law’s recipe.


What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus.


I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> .


Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!


What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance


Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi...


I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.


A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline.


As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”


What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!


I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?" I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."


I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it. When he found out he was madder than hell.


My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint. He told me he was able to get out of the situation,  I asked him, “How?”He said“Iran”


If fire and water are both elements, what is steam? Better than Epic.


Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday...


Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower"


Is it possible to write a book only using 2 characters? Yes just have it revolve around 2 people.


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?" I said it was kind of a grey area


I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work.


There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”


Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.


A bear walks into a bar. He sits down, and motions over the bartender.  Bartender says “hey, man, what’ll ya have?”Bear says “I would like a....................beer.”“Sure.  But why the long pause?”“I don’t know, I’ve had them since I was a cub.”


On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes


My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer? In the end it was a unannymoose decision


Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.


A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"


A fisherman was kicked out of his band. They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.


I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes... ...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle


There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population and we call those immigrants the founding fathers


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.


To Boldly Go... “My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”“Shatner??”“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!" "Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.


What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea


What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the blonde open a bottle of milk in the supermarkt? Because it says: Open here


How are marriage and a hurricane similar? In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.


I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.


How do flowers whistle? Through their tulips.


What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John


My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.


My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless.


Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife. I guess it just didn't work out.


What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad.


If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it. They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection.


While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene. But his brother remained low key.


Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first.


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."I was raised to listen to my elders...


Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road? He was Stalin.


My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you.


Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway


The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida..... are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?


I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?


Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them.


My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up? Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again


Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


I invented a relish made out of my own cash. It's my main sauce of income.


My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account


What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW) GatorAIDS.


A man visits Harvard Visitor in Harvard Square:  "Excuse me, where's the library at?"Harvard student:  "Sir, this is Harvard.  We don't end our sentences with prepositions."Visitor:  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"


Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."


An electrical current joins the air force He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.


What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.


Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires Turns out, I’m colorblind


which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!


Chun Li: Can I ask you a question? Ken: SURE-YOU-CAN!!!


I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.


What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t


What did the network/IT man say to the doctor? IT hertz when IP.


Why did the dinosaurs die out. They got ereptile dysfunction.


How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour.


I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"


If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica 7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.


Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts! All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes


What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)


Why is there no more curry in Afghanistan? Because there's a thali ban.


Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV


What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!


Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names. Bu became Buck.Chu became Chuck.And Fu went back to China.


I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)


When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.


What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay.


A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting. The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!" "No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!"


bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin


The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo. The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.


"You shouldn't have opened that box. Just sayin'" \-Epimetheus, husband to Pandora and god of hindsight, everyday for the rest of eternity


Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest


My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


Welcome to cucumber club... “Is this your first time?" "Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."


Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... "I see dead people."


I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat


The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.


Coronavirus has its own YouTube channel now. Already 8,931,812 followers and counting.


An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling . During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.They were just beating, and beating and beating.


Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday".  Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"


A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."  And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."


A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher


Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.


I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.


What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis? The boar skin.


They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?


What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle


Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty.


How does a mummy swallow food? Through their sarcophagus.


With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself


I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home.


Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field


Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket I guess the real joke will be in the comets.


How do you kill the ender dragon You ender


I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service. I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.


Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly.


Why did the crowd boo at the comedian when he lost at boxing? He didn't use his punchline.


I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac


A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package.


A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales


I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though, We have one song and it's band.


What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke.


Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs... Bill Cosby 30 KOs.


A woman covered in pasta sauce takes a pregnancy test Turns out she's Prego


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore. It's called Prose and Khans.


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion?  He was moist-jew-rising.


A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock.


Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag.


A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected.


Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved.


Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam? He called it Wildlife Preserve.


It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"


A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied: Jesus is the reason for the season.


Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid


What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus.


was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?" Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"


I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.


What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Drake? Stevie has a legitimate reason why he hasn't seen his children.


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis.


I really hate Norton’s security software... ...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec


I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'.


When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears.


Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!


A solid joke A scientist is studying the three states of matter.The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"


A science teacher tells his class... "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."


I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?


My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*


Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . . people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.


Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family.


What do you call a rabbit with fleas? ... Bugs bunny


Why are writers really good at coding? Because they are really into Pro grammar.


My brother became a step father to a teenage girl, and I found her throwaway reddit account and she's answering all sorts of questions right now. That's a niece on alt AMA.


A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned.


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough.


A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet. They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.  His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.  The man replied, "Apparently it's called buffering."


What's the only natural thing that can be an actor? The rock!


Three reason why I love you like I love my toaster: (1) You’re hot (2) You make me food ... (3) I want to take a bath with you


I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little.


Typically when a woman is really beautiful, what does her husband do? His wife.


I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire


A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. "May... may I speak to George, please?"


What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.


What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.


Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary).


How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.


What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.


In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating... One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"


A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not.


My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.


Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<


I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C" She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"


Why is Saturday stronger than Monday? Monday is a weak day


A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor


What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty.


What do wizzards eat at the beach? A sandwitch


A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.


Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly? Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled "YO! THAT'S MY JAM!"


Why is every American receiving a $1200 check? Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.


Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.


What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails? The probability of getting a head is zero.


Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels? It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.-------------------My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?


My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant.


I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.


I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.


2 flies are playing soccer on a plate. One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".


The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied... “You better check your junk.”


What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners? Kangarude


BREAKING NEWS: Missing Child Spotted With Pied Piper Of Hamelin More to follow


Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.


Which country has the fastest growing capital city? Ireland, it's Dublin every year.


How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc


Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.


This year, thousands of children made Santa's Naughty List. How many children made the Nice List? 69,420


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


I was illegally hunting for mushrooms. I have questionable morels.


Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!


I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead. I hope to become a bouillionaire!


An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, "Why? What cant get up can't get out."


My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them... I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!


What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out.


How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!


Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.


Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it


The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


Where to go for a city break in the south of France? Let's go somewhere Nice


What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play? The rub and tug in the end zone.


Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group.


"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace." "Really? That old chestnut?


Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny


My girlfriend broke up with me. So I took her wheel chair and... Guess who came crawling back.


What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port.


Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes. \*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*


I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place...


What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam.


I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.


I lost my hair years ago, but i still carry my comb. I just can’t part with it.


Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies.


A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you.


My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? "Hey there bud!"


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.