What did the fisherman say when he turned 80? Eyeee matey!


I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway.... ....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers


My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.


Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White


Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles? At the Bustacean


What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA


I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty


As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear. Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.


I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled.


You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery


Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!


I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, "What the hell is this?" I replied "Net flicks and chill."


Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion? Because he works tirelessly.


During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down...


I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating


Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)


This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C. Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.


Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced


A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time.


At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts.


I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.


Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.


President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but It’s been pterodacted


Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more


My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ. He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.


(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog.


This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless to bears.


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


What did the goat say when it walked across the street? Baaah


20 minutes into Disney+ and chill... and I've already got a friend in me.


What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis


By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly "A man who lays with another man should be stoned"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers


BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.


I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight


Saw my dwarf neighbor this morning standing at the bus stop.. So I stopped and said "jump in I will give you a lift". "Fuck off!!" he screamed at me. I thought to myself "what an ungrateful person " So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.


Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.


Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.


What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.


What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa.


Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble.


Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"Ahmed answers: "The axe"


My new Rolls Royce I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.


What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball? a lil pitchy dog


A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel. “$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.


I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong.


So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.


I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.


i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers


Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74 Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives


I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion.


A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"


What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)


Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare? Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it.


I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me "Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!"I told him "No, he's an asshole."


How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time? They buck like funnies.


I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)


What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter.


Today I Learned  Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.


I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.


How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour.


What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K.


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.


If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you.


Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws? Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.


Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!


One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw


Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans


A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina" The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"


A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee


Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!


Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.


Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”


What's brown and smells like bacon? Kermits finger


Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.


How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb? Three.One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder.


Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)


Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den.


We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man.


Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!


How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do? Uh, reptile dysfunction.


Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..”


I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”


My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.


Phoebe: "Do you guys know any chicks?" Chandler: "Fowl? No. Women? No."


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!


Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds... ...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.


My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to! Me: I know.Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.Me: I know.(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)


What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files? A .flac gun


Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast? He didn't know which one to talk about first.


Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer.


Did you hear about those ISIS tunnels in Afghanistan? [removed]


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument? Nothing, because they don't have lungs.


How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.


phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.


I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out He gave me a terminal diagnosis.


Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun. Almost as big as your mom.


What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces? A hobbler


Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied: “They hate us cuz they anus”


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,


I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work.


I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer.


How will the Judicial System improve? By Trial and error.


Had me a Barack Obama valentines day. Obama self.


I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents.


Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis.


A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.


Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x. Wish you were here.


We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.


Why is it super hard to sneak up on a hurricane? Because they’re always turning around. Be safe with Florence.


Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.


My grandfather is really upset at the new stair chair lift he got for his house. He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”


Where to go for a city break in the south of France? Let's go somewhere Nice


If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization.


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized.


I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'.


[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts? BoOoOoOoOobs


Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.


In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.


Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!


I’m financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday


The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.


Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off


I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist.


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it. If I can only find an old enough joke book..


I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.


Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.” It was September 10th.


I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period. So she can get on my exclamation mark.


Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head. I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.


This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!""That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


A blind man walks into a bank. He puts on a mask, and pulls out a pistol. He yells, "GIVE ME ALL THE GOODS! NOW!" A teller breaks the silence by saying "Sir... This is a sperm bank."The blind man yells in response, "DID I STUTTER?"


Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!


I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”


What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans


Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo? No one rhymes with orange.


I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.


Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20


My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched


My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s. A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.


How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.


A blonde walked in to a library -Hello! She saidDo you have any chicken sandwiches here?The librarian answered: im sorry this is a libraryThe blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*


What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop? Spectators.


So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us


A Horrible Food My girlfriend use to give me a blowjob every morning and sex every night. Then she ate one food that cut our sex life 90%.Wedding Cake


So, I asked 100 random women what their favorite shampoo was and 99 of them had the same answer! "Get the fuck out of my bathroom!"


For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero? Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.


I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"


Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him "Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon


A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah. But today is the last day...”


What do you call a bird that does drugs? On quack.


A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says "I get off at 6."The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."


I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?" "For starters," she said, "the h is silent."


why is japans population so old? the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well


Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.


The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon. He's a Primeate


A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack. Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor


I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?" She responded "That's because it's an Evian"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!


Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.


What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!


Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history.


Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....


It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated.


Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there.


I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though


As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better... Thank God.


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons". I guess it was the honey dew list.


I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce.


What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay.


Chicken soup is healthy for you. As long as you’re not the chicken.


I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.


Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man. OK, Boomhauer


I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'"


What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity


How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.


Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*


Scientists are making a big show about this new crop of Okra they engineered to not give you gas... It's called Okra Windfrey.


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!


My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life. Based on that math, I should've died in 1987.


There are increasing amounts of obese people each year I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation


I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984.


what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl


Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized "S"


I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings.


We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!


How did the shoemaker reward his employees? With sock options.


Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat "My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that  I spread my legs for 2 weeks""Why that? Don't you have a vase?"


Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”


How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


What does Isis use to clean its plates? A Daeshwasher.


Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date


You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music.


Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls.


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server? That would be Hillaryous.Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!


Size difference Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?.................A: An Ant's teeny weeny!


My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows


Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they... don't mean their asthma pump.


Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists. Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume


It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair.


So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base.


Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents


"shark infested water" You mean their home?


Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.


I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork... ...it spoons.  She did not find it humorous


What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


You hear about the new drink called The Hurricane Dorian? It's just a watered down Bahama Mama..


A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting


John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered.


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


What do programmers wear to an event? Whatever is in the dress code.


Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies... But he's never gonna give you Up.


What do you call british womans periods? Bloody hell.


Why is Windows software so predictable? You can see right through it.


I hate spelling errors You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.


A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.


The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist. \-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-


In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... "Because they make the toys."


I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.


How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!


Pam: "We're hoping our interview seals the deal." Jim: "If not, there's always the army...the infantry."


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!


A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”


How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish? "You're see, through!"


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


Perks of being single and in locked down You don't have to share your coronavirus.


What do you call a person who loves crocodiles? A crocophile.Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.


Roses in a Vase, Violets on a Shelf Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself


It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!


There was a fire at the Goodwill yesterday A person died of second-hand smoke


Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?


Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library? They use their Endor voices.


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond.


Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked.


Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? He wanted tequila.


Why do metalheads like steam engines so much? They do a lot of chugging.


I don't trust GameCube games... They're a little CD


Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.


What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!


Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.


I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.


What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam.


Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.


My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."


Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.


If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.


It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover


What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!


The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.


A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"


What do you call a store where you negotiate for off-the-book shrimp transactions? A Prawn Shop  (I know, I know, it's a dumb one but it made me laugh)


I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.


I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok. I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.


Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible. His last performance really brought down the house.


What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid


What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo


I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there.


What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past


They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.


What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already


I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly.


- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning


Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats.


Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.


Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect.


A woman goes to a butcher and says "I'll take some pork chops and make them lean""No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrr."


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!


Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands.


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"


A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. "Lettuce in!"


Roses are red, violets are blue, If I looked like you, I'd be in a zoo


My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads.


What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water.


I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas... It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding DongI'll see myself out.


I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day.


Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers? He converses with them


There was a woman selling batteries in the park today.. She sells C-cells by the seesaw


What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.


Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.


Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!


I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type. It was a Type-O


Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front The police will watch your house for free!


A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina" The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"


What do you call a French man walking on the beach? Philippe Philoppe.


Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex? It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.


Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables? He staged a high coup.


My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”


My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit. "Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.


Modern China's history isn't about what has happened It's about what hasn't happened


My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters. I said, please Yondu that.


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


Johnny turns up into his class one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: "Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?"Johnny: "Well Miss, my grandad got burnt."Teacher: "Oh, he wasnt burnt too badly I hope?"Johnny: "Oh yes, Miss. They dont mess around at these crematoriums."


What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments


This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?I'm feeling Lost.


Took a job in a fertiliser factory... It's my first daytime job where they give me nitrates.


A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn't stop banging on about the size of his testicles. He was publicly hung.


I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!


My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.


I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!! Oh shit. It’s just Bud Light, I’m ok.


Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not "z".


Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!


How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!


Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday.


I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.


What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron


You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon.


Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one.


What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money? Pennywise.


I've just released a new book about Poltergeists... It's flying off the shelves.


Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.


A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”


I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle" They're just trying to be edgy.


A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty


My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards Total game changer


"Dj Khaled, what are your thoughts on Palestinian rocket attacks?" "ANOTHER ONE!!'


The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer.


Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.


A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?""Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."


Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy


My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? "Because fuck u that's why." -- George Washington, Revolutionary War


Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body


Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig.


How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow


I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too.


I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA... For my black jeep...


My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik


The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat.


My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married


A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence


Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!" George replies "Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”


A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says. Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?


Which generation of Corvette was most likely to blow up? Probably the C4


Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"


Just this week an American astronaut voted from space... Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.


My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.


What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit.


For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.


I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie


Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging


I asked my doctor if he takes tips. He said I had mistaken him for a mohel.


I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour. And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.


What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port.


I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?


"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?"


What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile? The spelling and pronunciation.


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom.


How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.


My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year. My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.


It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing.


What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes? Lack Toes Intolerant


Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.


Apple finally enters the electric car market But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized


My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull.


Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. My coworker makes pennies. We work at a mint.


What do you call an element that always complains? a lament.


When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys. And they start using their adult knees.


A man with authority walks into a bar.. He orders everyone a round.


Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war.


Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above.


What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto


Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding It's a good thing frogs can swim


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity


You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on.


What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you.


What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado.


What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in.


How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says "sex" she put "Infrequently". The clerk asked her.... "Is that one word or two?"


Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo


To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey


When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know


I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said ......."I'm into anal".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said "Animal".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!