Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.


We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!


No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.


(To Monica) Y聮know, we haven聮t found anybody else.


See Joe, not that that聮s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y聮know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!


No, not us聟 (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)


See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y聮know, romantic stories. Nice stories.


Isn聮t that what happened with you and the bride聮s maid?


And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.


Well I was聟 I was exactly expecting company after聟(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.


Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride聮s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you聮re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?


Well, look it聮s been a really emotional time y聮know, and you聮ve had a lot to drink. And you聮ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!


You kidding? You聮re the most beautiful woman in most rooms聟 (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What聮s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?


Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?


It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.


Well I think it聮s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.


Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)


Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e聟 (Notices that the TV is turned off.)


Who did you originally want to hook up with?


(To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?


Oh, it聮s not important? It聮s not important?! If it wasn聮t for a bride聮s maid you聮d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!


I don聮t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I聮m runner up.


(To Joey) Look there is no way you聮re doing this wedding now. Okay?


Okay, it聮s just weird! Okay? I don聮t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need聟I don聮t know what I need. I need a walk.


It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)


Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!


Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding


How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!


When you聮re marrying us; that聮s what you should say.


But those are the words! Those exact words!


Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.


So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we聮re trying to get to play at the wedding?


Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!


Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?


Sure! That聮s one of the great things about being engaged. I聮m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.


So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?


Uh Joe, when it聮s one o聮clock in the morning and you don聮t come by? That聮s okay!


Excellent! Y聮know Ross met somebody too!


(sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross聮s situation?


So this is nice! I wish I didn聮t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what聮s the name the girl you聮re dating?


Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)


(returning) What are you guys talking about?


Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there聮s another reason too.


Well it聮s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was聟the first time I knew that聟you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.


Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?


Y聮know it聮s funny I started it but, now it聮s scary me. So could you come out here please?


Oh you got a wedding dress? That聮s great!


Okay I promise. I聮ll-I聮ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look聟hideous.


Yeah, that聮s like the most ugliest dress I聮ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?


Oh that聮s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it聮s like yuck! It聮s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!


(without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.


Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.


Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big


No. No, see when I first meet somebody it聮s uh it聮s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.


Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I聮m afraid even more sweating.


I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.


Well yeah! But now that I know that you聮re having these thoughts, I聮m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I聮m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.


Y聮know I聮m-I聮m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.


Y聮know I was thinking if we had a聟a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours


Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!


Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.


I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It聮s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica聮s eyes.) Say something.


Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?


This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.


Well, thanks a lot for hookin聮 me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.


(sees another rack) Well, what聮s the deal with these? These-these look nice.


You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"


Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)


Oh, I have to get married in James Bond聮s tux!


Oh, it聮s not just that, I would be England聮s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty聮s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?


A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?


You can聮t wear that! I聮m wearing the famous tux! James Bond聮s tux!


So聴If you wear that you聮ll make mine less special.


Please, don聮t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!


Look, it聮s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.


Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!


Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?


I would but mine doesn聮t fit. The pants are a little tight.


Well, does that mean that you聮re not going to wearing yours?


(trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What聮s this?


An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn聮t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!


The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)


Well, you聮re welcome. And tell them we聮re really glad they聮re coming.


(yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!


Oh, come on! I don聮t care! Come on! Whose is it?


Do you realize you get louder each week?


I figured I聮d buy those. Pat, I聮d like to buy a vow. (Laughs)


Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?


Do you happen to know what I聮m going to say?


(watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What聮s wrong with me? Ooh, don聮t open that door.


(writing) Monica, there are no words聟 (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!


I聮m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should聮ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing!


All right, there聮s a nuclear holocaust, I聮m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?


(shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That聮s one?


Oh, y聮know-y聮know what, I was looking at it upside down.


(writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?


All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?


Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.


Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)


Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!


No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!


Y聮know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?


Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I聮m saying?


Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought聟 (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you聮ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?


Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.


Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.


Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke聴(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)聴Diet Coke.


The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.


(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)


(after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!


Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?


Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!


Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!


Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)


Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?


(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex.


Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.


Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!


Love her! That's right, I聟LOVE聟HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.


Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.


Don聮t worry honey, we聮ll make yours funnier.


Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that聮s because I didn聮t send him an invitation.


I don聮t even know the man. Okay? We聮re not the close. I haven聮t seen him in years.


Well he doesn聮t have to know! It聮s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.


Trust me, you don聮t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.


Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers聴Think of the money we聮ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We聮re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?


Y聮know we already went over this and I won!


Look forget it okay? I don聮t want to go. I don聮t want to see him. I don聮t wanna.


No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you聮d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y聮know it聮s hard enough to be fourteen. You聮re skinny. You聮re wearing speedoes聴That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there聮s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!


Yeah o-okay, but I聮m just doing this for you.


Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)


No! No! I don聮t want him to know we聮re yet! I聮m not sure I聮m ready for that. And besides he聮s not gonna be too happy to see me either.


I don聮t know if I聮ve told you this, but he聮s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years


Yeah, he聮s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y聮know it聮s all very Cats in the Cradle聴I don聮t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.


Believe me, I聮ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!


He聮s coming into the audience. He聮s coming into the audience.


It can聮t happen like this. Okay? I聮ll meet you back at the hotel.


(resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)


Wait! Wait! We聮d really love it if you could be there.


(To Monica) When I was growing up I聟played the one on the far left.


Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.


Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I聮m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.


During this time聟are you, are you still my best man?


(smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.


Okay. (Pause) You won聮t believe what Monica聮s older brother just said to me!


(entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here聮s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.


Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.


Well you don聮t have to sound so surprised.


Yeah. Y聮know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I聮ll go all聟Chandler. But nothing has.


Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She聮s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)


How did you guys find me? I knew I should聮ve hid at the gym!


Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I聮m related to Monica. How is she?


Because if I go home, we聮re gonna become the Bings! I can聮t be the Bings!


The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!


It聮s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody聮s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I聮ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don聮t race cars! I don聮t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.


I want to. I love her so much, but I聮m afr聟It聮s too huge.


Yeah okay. Well, what聮s the next little bit?


Yeah. You聮re right. Hey I-I can do that.


Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)


Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.


Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes


Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that聮s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y聮know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can聮t be scary.


But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she聮d know I was okay.


You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I聮m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)


You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)


(To Ross) No, that聮s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it聮s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I聮m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)


(To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.


Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.


Oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh. (He starts laughing, causing everyone else to laugh.)


Hey Rach! (She breaks up and goes back into Monica聮s.)


(noticing the woman on the screen) Whoa! She聮s purty!


Monica聮s gotta have the phone in the right place and聴(Frantic babbling.)


As in Barbara Streisand聮s husband James Brolin?


Y聮know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.


Before we go out there I聮ve got a present for ya.


Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget.


So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?


I don聮t know, it聮s these new shoes, they聮re all slippery.


Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.


Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)


Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?


(looking at Joey聮s feet) Those aren聮t eleven and a half.


Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.


But you聮re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.


(sliding up behind her) No. No, I won聮t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn聮t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.


(to the front desk clerk) Hi! We聮re checking out of the bridal suite.


And I聮m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don聮t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!


Not the disposable cameras from the tables.


I聮ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.


Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?


Okay, well I聮m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You聮re 32! (Exits)


Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?


Yeah but you don聮t need聴(Picks up something)聴What is this?


Score! Where are the disposable cameras?


The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?


Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said


So? What? What? They聮re gone! Monica聮s gonna freak!


Yes! And that聮s why I聮m under the table. Celebrating.


Well this is great. Y聮know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she聮s really depressed.


All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can聮t believe I screwed this up!


Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?


I don聮t know, Monica picked out the flowers.


I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?


(to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?


Uhh聟 Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!


Oh yeah. I聮ll take, I聮ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)


Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!


Why don聮t you go up on stage. I聮ll get a picture of you doing the speech.


Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)


(showing her the pictures) Here聮s a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that聮s me. (Another one.) And that聮s me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.


Okay, so this isn聮t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with聟with this lady. Which by the look on your face I聮m sure you聮ll remember. So we don聮t need聴(Rips the picture)聴There聮s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.


Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!


Hey! Babe! Aren聮t you excited we聮re going on our honeymoon?


(singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama


A Speedo? Uh, I don聮t have a Speedo. I聮m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)


(entering) Hey, what was that all about?


(in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn聮t even know that聴Why didn聮t you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!


(in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.


Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.


Oh honey, leave them alone, they聮re in love.


25J and K, any chance those aren聮t together?


Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)


Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)


Oh that聮s all right, I have it memorized. It聮s 1A.


Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)


(looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.


Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can聮t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.


They聮re terrific, and they live right here in the city.


I聮m sorry, we聮re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.


Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance


Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)


I don聮t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.


Yeah, we聮re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)


I still don聮t get it, we didn聮t do anything wrong.


I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!


Well maybe it was all of your questions.


The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!


So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.)


That聮s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!


You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?


Hey that聮s okay. So, where do you want to go?


You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.


Oh it聮s been going on way to long now. Y聮know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn聮t say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it聮s five years later, the donut聮s gone and I聮m still Toby.


No! That would be so awkward! Look聴Besides, we work in different departments. He聮s on the sixth floor y聮know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What聮s the big deal? It could be worse, it聮s not like he聮s calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)


Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don聮t know if he has what it takes.


But this is eleven. It聮s almost twice as hard up here.


Y聮know what you should do, just toss 聭em in the shedder and claim you never got 聭em.


What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!


Uhh yeah. Yeah, it聮s (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?


Okay Bob listen uhh, I聮m the reason you didn聮t get the job up here.


Well that puts me in a difficult position.


(entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?!


(entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume


The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!


No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!


Wow! I don聮t have the worst costume anymore!


Joey聮s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you聮d come by as a slutty nurse.


You聮d think that would embarrass me, but you see I聮m maxed out.


Oh relax man, relax. You聮re looking a little flushed.


Oh really?! You think you聮re stronger? Why don聮t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)


That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!


No way! If anything you聮ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I聮m a wimp!


Listen, I聮ve got a secret for ya. I let him win.


Would you tell her I let you win please?


I am strong! I聮ll show you! (He sits down at the table.)


Okay. 1聟2聟3聴Go! (Once again he聮s at a stalemate, but this time he聮s in pain.) (Pause) I聮m gonna kill myself!


Uh honey, I know you don聮t like to relinquish control


Look, she聮s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.


Yes, I distinctly remember 聭cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?


So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?


She must聮ve been planning this for years!


Honey, isn聮t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?


So, shouldn聮t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go聟snooping around her crotch?


Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?


God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?


And yet you don聮t recognize that you聮re crazy.


All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it聮s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!


Yes! It聮s flown into your blouse and you聮d better undo your buttons lest it sting you!


I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra?


I thought we weren聮t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y聮know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.


I can聮t believe you didn聮t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!


Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you聮re going down the same path, but you聮re really going down different ones.


Honey! That聮s crazy! I don聮t want you to get me a stripper


Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it聮s a little creepy. Y聮know? I聮m not a bachelor anymore.


All right fine! But I聮m only doing this for you!


Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.


I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?


Okay. I can聮t believe tomorrow聮s the big day.


I can聮t believe there is a naked hooker in there!


Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma聮am, are you also a stripper?


That is funny, maybe for my birthday she聮ll murder someone.


Oh actually, I聮d rather you聟Yeah, go ahead. We聮re gonna have to burn that room down anyway.


(To Joey) In a minute? What聮s gonna happen in a minute?!


All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?


I don聮t think we聮ve actually done this before!


Well y聮know, things are different. I聮m聟I聮m married now.


Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we聮ll make time to hang out with each other.


Her ass print is still on your grandmother聮s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?


Yeah! I聮m just pretending to watch the game so I don聮t have to help out with stuff.


Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.


Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There聮s no Anderson.


Oh hey. I聮d shake your hand but uh; I聮m really into the game. Plus, I think it聮d be better for my ego if we didn聮t stand right next to each other.


I聮m watching the game, but I聮m not deaf!


(To Phoebe) Y聮know, it聮s been a while since we聮ve screamed something. Maybe we should.


Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!


I聮m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?


Well, she probably wasn聮t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!


Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.


New haircut? (Monica nods 聭No.聮) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods 聭Yes.聮) Boots!


I聮m gonna miss being able to afford food.


She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)


Yeah well, too bad we聮re gonna have to return them.


You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)


(spinning around looking for him) I don聮t think you did a very thorough job!


Oh don聮t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)


Now sweetie, I know you don聮t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a聟supple leather lining.


Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?


You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!


I don聮t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?


What honey, it聮s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let聮s go.


So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It聮s oddly unsettling.


Honey, I know you聮re in pain right now, but I聮m a little turned on.


I can see it from right here. It聮ll cost you one husband.


Well, why don聮t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!


Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?


Y聮know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.


I didn聮t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I聮m sorry.


Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn聮t it?


Oh uh, as it turns out, we can聮t do it. Monica has to work.


Oh uh well tomorrow聮s no good for her either.


It聮s the semi-finals聟of her聟botchy ball tournament.


Because uh... we-we... we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me


Y'know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?


Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.


Oh that聮s all right sir, and that聮s just one girl.


It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn聮t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!


Y聮know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It聮s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.


Why do you want to play this game so bad?


You are not going to believe what I did today!


Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can聮t straighten his fingers.)


Well I聮ve been playing it for like eight hours, it聮ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they聮re dirty words.


Well y聮know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.


It is when you put it together with that one.


Come on, he won聮t even know what they mean.


No-no-no, if you unplug it, I聮ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it聮s still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, it聮s a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!


I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price.


Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?!


One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)


All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!


Honey, it聮s not the bath I enjoy, it聮s the wet, naked lady.


Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.


Honey, it聮s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I聮m watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?


Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?


Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.


If that.Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]


Honey, I don聮t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?


All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?


(thinking) All right, this isn聮t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I聮ve got my boat.


I聮m going to need a bigger boat.Scene: The Doctor聮s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing.]


I聮m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there聮s something wrong.


I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water聮s tepid. The salt didn聮t dissolve and is now聟 lodged places. And the scents I used don聮t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile聴Oh!


Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!


All right, let聮s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?


He didn聮t say anything about that to me.


He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.


Because he was looking at her differently.


My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!


Oh, God! (Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)


Okay. (As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)


Oh, it聮s so hard to care when you聮re this relaxed.


(sarcastically) Because it聮s a relaxing and enjoyable time!


I聮ll聟I聮ll get you later!Scene: Joey and Rachel聮s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]


Yeah. And what you聮re doing feels so good.


Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning聟Don聮t let Phoebe in.


Well, Phoebe I thought I聮d聴(Off Phoebe聮s look)聴Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)


Who says you can聮t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?


How about to the street say from the balcony?


How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)


Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It聮s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?


Oh y聮know, I聮ve been living here a while and I聮ve never seen what聮s inside that closet. What is, what is in there?


Don聮t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!


Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)


I wasn聮t trying to open your closet! I wasn聮t trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)


Monica has a secret closet and she won聮t let me see what聮s in it.


I don聮t know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can聮t see?!


Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?


Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I聮m not an nine-year-old girl.


So, how聮s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?


Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?


Well, it聮s not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y聮know? You聮re doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if you聮re in there, could you pass me my credit card?


Not to shabby, I got this all off myself聟using my wife聮s tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what聮s behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!


No, honey you聮re not sick! Look, I don聮t love you because you聮re organized, I love you in spite of that.


Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.


So Rachel聮s all moved out huh? How are you taking it?


(picking up a video from the table) 聭Candy and Cookie聮. 聭Candy and Cookie?聮 Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn") (A woman on TV breaths hard)


I love you, St. Valentine. (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler聮s eyes get huge!)


Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)


I am trying!Scene: Joey聮s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.


(pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?


It聮s yelling聟bleeding聟dilating. Oh, the dilating


I thought聟maybe聟you got me porn for Valentine聮s Day.


Well, I聮m not really in a sexy mood right now.


Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?


How long it took to go back in the water?


Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he聮s going to throw up!)


See, honey, there聮s聴(puts his hand on her leg)


You know, it haunts me? Up 聭til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!


Okay. Now all we聮ve got to do is get rid of this chair. (Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can聮t do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)


Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross聮 apartment)


Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!


Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don聮t watch it.


Well, let聮s just say it聮s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.


(with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.


Why have I seen this thing three times?!


Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She聮s growing inside you.


I think that聮s the youngest girl ever to reject me.


No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don聮t think they exist.


Come on, don聮t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don聮t think there聮s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.)


A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!


Luckily, the guy she settled for can聮t hear what you聮re talking about.


You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you聮re still gonna date him?


What聮s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there聮s staring.) No?


I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!


Cheese you say? That聮s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?


Cheese, it聮s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.


(disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?


Sure, why don聮t you set it up. I聮ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.


Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.


Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don聮t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won聮t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.


No. But I聮m sure (mimics Don) 聭tomatoes聮 does.


So you聟you don聮t want to live with Don in a cheese house?


Y聮know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn聮t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.


I don聮t see him. (To Monica) Do you see him?


(incredulous) I don聮t know what that聮s like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!"


Well, I聮m sure you get another one at Ann Taylor聮s.


Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean?


I know it聮s tough now, but things will get better.


I聮m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?


Let聮s just say if I can聮t find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one.


Honey, I聮m gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.


Well, if we聮re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y聮know alphabetically or by genre?


They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica聮s look) in exchange for money.


Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack.


(singing) The sun聮ll come out聟tomorrow! Bet聟your bottom dollar that tomorrow聟 (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice) 聟there聮ll be sun.


Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they聮re not in the baby buying business.


Oh I聮m sorry, you聮re kicking me out of my own living room?


I聮ll be in there. (Goes into the bedroom.)


Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?


And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?


It聮s your parents聮 anniversary and you聮re going to talk about their dead pet?


Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.


Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.


Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air).


If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)


No, we聮re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)


You聮ll be perfect for this! That聮s already your name!


Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.


Well Joey, I聮m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)


(To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?


This is ridiculous, he聮s not gonna hold his breath聟 (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)


Oh come on Ross, I think we聮re all losers here.


Let me think. Let me think聴Oh! I don聮t care.


I don聮t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.


I聮d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.


(disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.


I have a job interview I have to get ready for.


And people say you don聮t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It聮s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.


The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don聮t ya?


(entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!


Well, I got a job interview. It聮s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I聮d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.


Me! I do that. So聟 Seriously, do I look okay? I聮m little nervous.


(To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?


I can聮t even believe this! I really come off that badly?


Oh good. Good, because I聮m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.


Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I聮ll let myself out.


I think you聮ll find if I come to work here, I don聮t micro-manage. I don聮t shy away from delegating.


(suppressing a smile) What I do do聟is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.


Hardest thing I聮ve ever done in my life.


also I was the point person on my company聮s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.


(nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.


Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y聮know I聮ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn聮t understand) Duties. (Still doesn聮t.) Duties! (Still doesn聮t.) Poo. (Still doesn聮t.)


Oh my God this doesn聮t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There聮s a crazy guy out in the hall!


I聮ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)


Let聮s. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.)


He聮s not snoozing, he聮s teaching a class.


So you聮re never actually going to pay me back?


I always knew you were gonna make it. I聮m so proud of you.


(in a manly voice) Yeah well, I聮m gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)


This is so exciting! It聮s so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?


I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!


I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.


Don聮t go! I聮m sorry. I聮m so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance.


Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!


You don聮t owe me anything, I don聮t want you money


Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.


Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)


Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes


Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican.


Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food


Man, if only you聮d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)


Okay. I聮ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we聮re ready.


Yes, but haven聮t you wanted a kid like forever?


I聮m not crazy about babies. I聮m crazy about us.


Look, we聮ve always talked about having babies someday. I聮m not saying it has to be right now, but I聮m starting to think that we can handle it. We聮re good. We聮re really good.


But nothing has to happen until your ready.


What?! It聮s not right! We聮re not ready to have a kid now!!


We聮re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y聮know I聮m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?


Wait a minute, it聮s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we聮re in a building that聮s full of beds!


Okay. Uh, we聮ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it聮s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)


Should we tell Rachel there聮s an empty private room right next door to hers?


Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!


If it聮s not, then there聮s two of them. And that would mean it聮s the end of the world!


Weirdest thing. Did I hear聴(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)聴Mother of God it聮s true!


Janice I didn聮t even know you were pregnant! Who聮s the unwitting human who聮s essence you聮ve stolen?


That聮s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?


It聮s incredible, I mean one minute she聮s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.


So, do you know what you聮re gonna call her yet?


Oh no, it聮s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn聮t it?


And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.


As we all are at some point during the day.


Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?


And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!


Well maybe you don聮t have to tell him anything.


If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!


Honey, we聮ve been over this. I need to be facing the other way.


I聮m so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay.


This is okay. We聮re all adults here; there聮s nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let聮s put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)


I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn聮t for fun.


(To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you聴Wh-why聟 (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just don聮t want you to think that we聮re animals who do it whenever we want.


That聮s funny, this conversation聮s how I got the bullet hole in my head.


Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.


You still haven聮t told Rachel you weren聮t really proposing?


Joey, you have to tell her what聮s going on! And what did it look like?!


Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.


Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)


No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?


Couldn聮t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn聮t sleep. Y聮know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I聮ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I聮ll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn聮t fall asleep.


Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.


(not knowing what he聮s saying yes to) Yes.


Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?


Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing


Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?


Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?


We聮re moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his face)


Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.


Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top.


No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica聮s not impressed.) I聮ll get out of it.


(hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?


Umm ma聮am, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don聮t think I can move to Tulsa.


It聮s a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I聮d move to Tulsa, I didn聮t really know what I was saying.


But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain聮t that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here聮s the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won聮t go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy聴Please don聮t make me go there!


No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) That聮s a picture of your daughter, isn聮t it, well she聮s lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I聮ll call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)


Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I can聮t, I can聮t hear you. (He runs out)


(enters) Hey, what you guys talking about?


Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.


There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?


I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.


Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job.


Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.


I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?


That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.


Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.


No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite.


Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.


Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do.


And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.


What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?


Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.


Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?


That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!


Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They hug)


(Tries to hug Joey but J. moves away) What's the matter Joe?


Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?


Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!


(On cell phone) Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.


(enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.


DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)


everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)


well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!


(Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.


no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.


OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn


yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.


You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.


Good morning everyone, its nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?


(laughs) Well, dont believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, thats true. Alright, lets get started, by take a look at last quarters figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, arent you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses ass?


No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I cant remember why. (to everyone:) Youre not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?


Alright, lolook. I dont smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, its fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? Thats almost rude, that Im not.


(loud) Ken, please! No, I cant, I cant smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.


I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)


Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.


No! I just happened tdo a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.


Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?


(getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell  Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!


(shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Im feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.


(still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.


Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packaa carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But its over, I made a decision, Im not gonna smoke anymore.


I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.


Will power? Ive watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.


kay, look: Can we just drop this? Im not gonna smoke again.


You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?


Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?


Then, I might as well  (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.


Look, I cant do this. I cant make luv to you while were fighting this way.


That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Im not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?


You are incredible. Unless, IIm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)


But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesno big deal.


I would never lie to get someone into bed.


I suppose that Monica will have the  manipulative shrew.


Oh yeah, thats what she says. But maybe youre not ovulating at all, maybe its just a clever ruse to get me into bed.


(to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.


Whats the matter with me? Why Im such a girl?


So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?


(picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello?


(angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)


So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.


(laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.


What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?


Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.


(Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.


Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.


Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)


You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)


You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)


If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)


What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)


Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then gets serious again...)


So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)


I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside.


Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.


Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!


I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)


(imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!


Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.


So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?


No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple.


We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around)


(Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!


There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.


Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)


I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? (sighs) Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment)


I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?


Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?


Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.


Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?


It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?


Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star!


Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches.


This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.


Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!


Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air...


Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends.


What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!


Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?


Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint.


What is the point of having them if we never use them?


Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .


Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?


I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. <looks at china> hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out..


Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? < Phoebe comes in>


I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.


You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>


No, if crazy plate lad.. <sees Monica frustrated at this comment> If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?


So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma?


Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!


Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?


Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die <knocks on table> she'd have to give her up.


So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?


Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?


Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.


Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it.


Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?


Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey.


Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.


Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.


By the way, that fight was totally arousing.


Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.


Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.


Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.


Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya?


Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?


Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.


But hey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr... (Pause) That's not the way to convince you.


I know. You're right. I want to see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this.


Yeah, ah, ah ... I'll think of something.


(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.) Oh well, look at you.


Well, it looks great. It's just that ... well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath. So ...


(hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can't know that I'm here.


Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game. So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.


Achhh. It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you.


You know, it's funny. I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.) Hi ya.


It's Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe.


(writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home.


Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?") I heard it.


All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape.


Hear me out woman. I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.


I'm just going to wait for a little while.


(pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.


That's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop.


Joey said that you're in here with another man.


All right. Well, I'll check the guest room.


(thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?


I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know ... I didn't think you'd understand.


Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?


I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica.


You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?


Hey, listen. I'm never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.


(coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.


Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.


Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day.


(thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)


All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.


(to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.


Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.


Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!


I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.


Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.


Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...


I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.


Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.


No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!


No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.


No, I have a great idea for a present for her.


(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!


Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)


Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?


You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!


But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.


You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.


Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.


Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?


Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.


Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.


I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.


Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.


Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...


Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.


(hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".


Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.


This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.


Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)


I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?


(flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!


Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.


I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!


You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?


Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?


It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.


Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.


So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?


Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.


Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?


Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.


Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve.


(looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)


No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.


Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)


Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.


Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.


Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.


Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.


Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.


I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.


Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.


Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?


(realizing) I have *not* thought this through!


I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it.


(to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)


I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.


Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!


Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.


I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.


Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.


Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.


Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.


Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.


I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.


Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.


(In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.


(still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)


(sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)


Oh, well someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?


Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.


See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.


Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!


Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.


Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.


No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!


I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?


It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay.


I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.


I am not working. There's not much to do around here!


Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not.


Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.


Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y.


Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for?


You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.


Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise.


I think we may have really done it this time.


You may wanna get some more of those too.


Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you!


All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.


Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)


Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.


Right. So, it'll be the same except聟 less sex with you. (Joey nods)


Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.


Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating


(grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble!


Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys聟 except for the tie, the briefcase聟 and the fact that I can rent a car.


Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.


Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down)


(entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old!


I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them.


Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out)


They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these.


Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica) Would you help me try to sell these?


No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.


Putting on the sneakers聟 thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything


Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!


(sitting on the couch) You know what聟 these aren't half-bad! (to Rachel) You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.


Alright (He stands wearing the sneakers on) I feel youger already!


(on the floor) Yah, I think I broke my hip.


Okay聟 (He stands up) You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age


A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know聟 maybe he falls聟 maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not suitable for adults!"


Oh, thank you, sir聟 or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me (He sits down again)


(over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow.


Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?


I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.


Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.


You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?


Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.


That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.


Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.


And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.


Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money.


Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)


Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?


I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?


What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?


Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.


Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things.


No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form.


Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.


I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.


Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.


Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!


God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?


Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?


Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.


Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!


Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again)


Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless .


The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you?


Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest!


Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND!


Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)


Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.


Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day.


Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).


You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!


Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... (颅looks at laptop screen)..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?


Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?


Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.


Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.


Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come.


Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? (looks at laptop screen)You're having a memorial service for yourself!?


Ross, don't press send, don't press se... !


Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.


At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)


(entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! (he shoves him out the door)


Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!


You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!


Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?


I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)


Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.


Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)


I didn't know Ross and you were so close.


I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.


Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you!


Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.


(looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?


No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.


(hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)


(into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?


(still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more.


Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it.


Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie.


I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".


Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.


Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?


You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.


You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.


(looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?


Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)


What about the ones you have on the nightstand?


Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.


Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!


(to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ...


Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)


Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!


Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished...


(looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!


Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)


Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?


Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.


Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!


Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up).


What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.


Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?


(smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out.


Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.


(To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags!


What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)!


So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?


Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?"


(on the phone) "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" (pause) "Oh, thank you very much!" (hangs up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont...


Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation.


I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.


Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please?


Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation?


Just give us the cheapest room you have.


Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We'll take it.


(aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!


Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there!


I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.


I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you already got that.


Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?


Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.


I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)


(browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.


(browsing through a diary) Uh, let's see, who do I hate?


Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.


(to Monica) No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.


(to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?


Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.


Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted.


Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!


Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.


Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away).


I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?


Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)


(embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!


Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!


I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.


Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.


(to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here??


I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)


(disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)


(To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?


I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.


(Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?


(smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'...


(stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! "


(picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.


Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)


Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.


It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means...


(seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.


Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out.


(looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!


Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!


Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!


I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.


Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.


Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her.


Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.


I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.


Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!


You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer.


So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!


Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!


No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.


I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!


So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!


Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?


(very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.


You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)


I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?


(Proceeding with his dinner) We're teeth people Zack!


You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?


Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.


Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?


Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!


(sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.


Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.


Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!


Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.


My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.


You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?


Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".


Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".


David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.


Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?


Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help.


(smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) "I do".


Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.


I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?


That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!


Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!


(slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)


Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)


David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!


Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?


(at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!


Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone!


It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.


Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.


Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry.


It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?