How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel. Plain.


One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady. Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?Don’t look down.


I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!


A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced.


Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures.


I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.


What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey? One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.


I dated an older furry once... She was a cougar


Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”


I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


A new discovery about women in prison: They don’t get their periods until the end of their sentences.


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable.


I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs. Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.


I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation.


What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


I told my doctor I don't want a brain transplant But he changed my mind


How many existancialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two.One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness.


My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie.


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents


What do you call the numbers on the door to the restroom near IT? The IPee address


I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.


Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.


Do you know why I wear lycra to bed? To help with my sleep cycle.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.


My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. It is my birth certificate.


You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons. Isn’t that Ionic?


There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown


BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months


What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon.


I don't trust Greek instruments. They're mostly lyres.


Who do you call to fix an atom? A quantum mechanic


I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.


A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up" The other tree: "why wood you do this"


My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.


A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man The Woman says "TGIF"So the man says "SHIT"The woman again says "TGIF"And again the man says "SHIT"So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its FridayAnd the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday


My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been


What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again....


Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.


A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF...


I was looking for a Dating Simulator on Steam. It said "Sorry, no matches found."The level of realism is incredible.


A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.


Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"  Edna:  "If you ask him nicely."


And Jesus says to his followers, ¨I will turn this water into wine.¨ And the guy says, ¨Sir, this is a rehab center.¨


I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster


I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.


Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.


I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.


Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable


I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.


What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? (OC) A lot of drunk driving.


What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede.


What do you call a fight between two loan sharks? A conflict of interest


What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker


Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.


What’s an image editor’s favourite country? Ireland.  It’s royalty free.


My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.


Why are sea shanties so popular right now? They’re about current events.


What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis.


My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.


Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in? He was kermitting sewercide.


So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."


My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography…


I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names


Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer... Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...


I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?” Mall guy: Oh sure.Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.


Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner. She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.


A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes... The bartender says that'll be $20.20


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me Pan.


My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.


I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480.


Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago... ...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.


How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments.


Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.


How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal


I love the British summer It's my favourite day of the year.


A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la


Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day.


A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, "Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?"  To which the pirate responds, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"


Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.


So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."


What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal? Do you do ANALog?


A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope


I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.


It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated.


Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them.


I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water... Instagram.


Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations? They can cube the number 2.


Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.


"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?" "Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"


Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish.


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.


Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 A broken pencil.
 A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.


Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,


What's 40+40+SQUIRREL! 80HDMy daughter made up that joke when she was 8.


A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels. He’s a bourbon legend.


What's the difference between jelly and jam? Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.


At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them.


Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual


The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat.


I see Google Calendar is down I thought I'd never see the day


I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life


My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)


I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart. Brian has a moustache.


Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.


What remains stationary no matter how hard you push? The envelope.


The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..." One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"


A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together. For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.


If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious.


I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.


The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter so I called and told them I was hired.


I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out.. " If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....


Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian.


Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love


What did I call the guy that keeps my daughter out late at night? An ambulance


What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out


My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."


A couple is watching TV together... ...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says "Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf."


Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive! I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!


My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It's an armadildo.


What do you call it when an exclamation mark is having sex? Exclamating


iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.


I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.


Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store.


I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome! Just kidding, happy April fools day!


As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China.


A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters." Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!


Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo


I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...


Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!


What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job? A side hustle.


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.


There's a woman in the park sells batteries. She sells C cells by the seesaw.


We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up


The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish.


I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum Arse miaou


I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"... And I wondered, what startled it?


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe? The czech engine light.


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe...


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Why are ghosts bad at lying ? Because you can see right through them.


Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall.


How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? None, they're too busy wishing people a happy cake day...


What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends? Sharon Cox


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease? Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.


I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, “Remember, argue with facts and not curses.” So now I’m APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on.


What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay.


Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you.


So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago.... I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):


I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim


Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs.


Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.


The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian


I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad. Eventually it learned my moves.


The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish.


A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."The helium doesn't react.


Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here.


Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.


Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot.


What is the national bird of Iran? An US drone


How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time? They buck like funnies.


Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet." So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"    Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."


Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.


A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, "ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!""HEY!" someone yells out.  "You watch your mouth!""Why?" the guy challenges.  "Are you a lawyer?""No, I'm an asshole!"


Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat.


After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction... tit for tat.


What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


What's the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes? Not having any potatoes to eat!


Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!


How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow


Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar


Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake.


As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.


It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend.


The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.


A lady and her bank joke A lady wanted to check the amount she had in her account so she went to the bank and the accountant said can I help you to which the lady replied with I'd like to check my balance so the accountant got out of his chair and pushed her over


How can you tell a golf course is owned by Donald Trump? The rough is combed over the fairway


A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore


The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros.


"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds, "Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."


What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike.


I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence Then I relized “that would be crazy!”


Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob. Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


Bank Robber: Where's the safe? Teller:Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THESAFE?Teller:Bank Robber: WTF!!Penn: He always does this.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it.


Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.


Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers.


*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''


Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?


“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”


I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods... ...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery.


What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off? Net fix and chill


Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died? At his funeral they lowered the casket....Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.


I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!


What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T.


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


[Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common? Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks


The local furniture store sells stools I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.


My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me.


A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"He said "It's my carri-on luggage"*sorry sorry sorry*


The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks


Whats the most common occupation in Germany? Poland


"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. "What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge."Fu***ng looking for me."


Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(


What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine.


What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature? Just a little chili.


What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who


I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs. "Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked."Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."


My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it. Clear vision


What do the French call marijuana? Oui'd.


How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action


A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it then it is not that good.


A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package.


Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized


I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.


What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen? Alien vs Redditor


There was a marking on the road that said "Taxi Rank" and a driver pulled into it. After assessing the car, I tapped on the window and he wound it down.I said, "Hello, pal. I'd give your taxi a 7/10."


Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.


Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed.


What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it’s got the most stories!


Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets. Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.


Why did the boy throw butter at the window? To see the butter fly.


Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did


I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”


Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more


Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case.


A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween... So I murdered his parents


How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!


What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day? Chronic pane


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar.


My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.


What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn't fit! What a huge waist!


What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? "Don't be such a wet blanket."


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!


Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands.


What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo.- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.


I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)


I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."Rodney Dangerfield


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents


My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language? I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "


Why aren't koalas classified as bears? Because they don't have the right koalafications.


Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”


Time files when you're having fun Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"


If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear "Aww nuts!"(its name is probably Carl)


Why is it a bad idea to climb a ladder around Rick Astley? Because he's never gonna let you down


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim...


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine. I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.


The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision... A rip-off


Poker game I was playing poker with my friends Robin and Drake and some of their distant cousins.There was this one chick who won almost every hand.I can't be sure but I suspect fowl play.


What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms


Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.


What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!


I once thought I spotted a Leopard But It turns out they are born like that.


There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars


Why is gambling illegal in China Because they hate Tibet


"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.


News report: airplane crashes into cemetery. Authorities are shocked as over 3000 victims' corpses have been retrieved.


A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.


There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls.


What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please.


Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?


Karen walks into a library She goes to the librarian says,"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"Librarian looks at her puzzled and says"This is a library Miss"Karen replied,"Oh yes sorry"(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'


A kid asks his mother: "how come im black and youre white?" She replies: "listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark."


Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!


A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace." And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"


I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.


How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action


I can always sense when my siblings are going to have a daughter. I have telekineices.


My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy.


My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute


“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”


WI Couldn't Get A Reservation At The Library... They were fully booked.


If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!


I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.