What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, "Is there something wrong?" And then the man replied with, "Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!"


Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? InflationHoly smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!


I have a magic pen that can write any color. Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.


TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts


I broke a toner cartridge when I was putting it into the printer. RIP my inkbox.


Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..." Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"Me: "... yes"Ramsay: "Damn..."


What font does alphabet soup use? Times New Ramen.*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*


Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise


What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice.


Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates


Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?" Student: "My you're looking acute today."


Thanks Google Nest.... I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol


Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.


I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON".... (stand back and watch the fun.)


A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me "Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"


How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all use gaslighting.


CORONA ADVISORY The Symptoms of the Corona Virus are: 1. Sweating 2. Weakness 3. Diarrhoea 4. Stomach Pain Basically the same kind of feeling you get when you see your other half checking your phone.


Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest


This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?" I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."


A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”


Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"


I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, "So nothing new then"


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study? The Hippocampus


A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!


Hey girl, are you a shopping mall? Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!


If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss..... ..... interpretation


I went boating with cast of friends the other day... None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.Sorry.


A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up? The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.


A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers.


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean. They are all c foods.


What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake


Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y If you don’t believe my check the dictionary


Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump.


So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises and she's like "who"


I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.


Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.


A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.


A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?"  "No," says the cop.  "What about all these other cars?"  "They didn't ask!"


How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family.


I would make a bread joke but... Would would I *GRAIN* from it?


What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians.


What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese


Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures? It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer." Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."


What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.


A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"


It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer. I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving.


What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.


What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.


How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves? She fell out of a tree.


My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.


I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business


I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school. In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too.


4th July If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.


What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates? .................. A toothbrush. Come on.


I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off.


What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's? Oh nana, What's my name?


Religious CD (NSFW) My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.Then hell broke loose....


Which occupation is the most perverted? Electrician - they’re always looking for strippers


What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


I used to race snails when I was younger... ... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.


Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision... Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.


Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.


I got arrested today I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though


I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?" "No," I said."It's to look at."


Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.


I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years.""Really!", I said, "I had no idea!""Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"


Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope


What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement.


A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation


An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it. Pun ant ended


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)


My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut.


The two quotes that shows a person's true colors: "It's just a game.""Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."


I have an empty school hall for sale. Assembly required.


As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright.


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


There once was a kitten that had 16 lives... And then it got run over by a 4x4.


My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed? I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath


What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador


It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will.


What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack? Mountain Dew Code Blue


Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... "I see dead people."


I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.


What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders


Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group.


I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.


What did the pig say to the spanish butcher? Porque


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? "Because fuck u that's why." -- George Washington, Revolutionary War


Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a "b" comes after it!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.


When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke.


I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy.


What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates "I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."


Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear


A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back, When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”


What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis


When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake.


What do you call a Mongolian dairy factory? A yogyurt


Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents


How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !


I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.


Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules. Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.


Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?


Why do hippies make good accountants? Because they're from a counter-culture


What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie? Moo-ana


What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender


Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time


What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe...


"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?""Nothing."


Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!


My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo


Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.


Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw


One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan.


An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum. “I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”


What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot.


The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards


It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas.


They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?


What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack


Why do native Americans hate the month April? Because April showers bring may flowers.. and mayflowers bring the white people


“You’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?""Ask a glass of water!”


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!


Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush? Seriously, it's soda pressing.


Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog.*ba dum tsss*ba dum tishidk


The man who invented Tetris died. They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.


I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive


What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn? Pink Flamenco


I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old It was ancient grease.


What's red, black, white and can't go through doors? A nun with a spear through her head.


Why was the shark eating pineapples? Because it makes seamen taste better.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are


My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched


A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.


What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children.


What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, but a fisherman waits, then lies.


Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”


Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper? His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.


A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”


What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'


What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.


Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit.


Upside to masks The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia? Because he was Snowd en!(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)


Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets.


The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom. A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.


What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites.


Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!


birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


As a farmer, when i first met my wife, she was not impressed when i didn't partake in planting the seeds of next years crop. I told her: "That's not my responsibility on this farm.I'm a grower, not a sower."


What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm


You know what really takes guts? Digestion.


People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like Yeah, this is big brain time


Why do relationships between string instruments never work out? They always result in domestic violins.


Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?" Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"


There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu.


What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1.


You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive.


My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.


Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture? Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson


What is an example of a Facebook paradox? Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers


Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo? They just like the stock!


FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff" I know because I joogled it.


I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”


What do you call a classical writer with Parkinson's and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer.


What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator? Bernie's Handers.


Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived


A common chefs error Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.


Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins.


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."


I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.


Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed. At least I know I'm sane.


Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!" George replies "Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”


Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay.


Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”


What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet.


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak. If only they could see me now...


They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people. It's called Draggin' Balls Z


What did one lab rat say to the other? *"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."*


A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion.


What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation


Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...


Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.


Went to the pet shop to buy a gold fish the other day... Guy asks if I want a aquarium Like I care about its star sign!


How the Portuguese language was invented?? A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.


Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.


Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?


It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events


How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again.


What CD is in Thanos' Walkman? Disintegration by The Cure


Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?


If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears. That’s almost as wide as your mother.


I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.


My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."


I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.


Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"


What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!


I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!


What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn


A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”


When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex... So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


What's Thanos' favourite card game? Snap


I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.  She asks "Hardback?"  "Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."


Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors.


When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.


Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view


Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says "Au get out of here"


Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas.


A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?" The animal replys" well,  I am a tiger" The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger." The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"


Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant. No one puts baby in a coroner.


Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting


Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)


I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)


Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin.


I tell step-dad jokes... Exactly like Dad jokes, just not as good.


A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... "everybody has only one minute to get out of here..."Tortoise: Fuck :-/


Friend - What is you new year’s resolution? Me - 420 x 69


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner


I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.


A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."


Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.


Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough.


Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port


What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming? Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you


What did the person say when a flood struck his house? Damn it!


A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time. "This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."


My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents


If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.


Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.


John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…


How can we beat an AI invasion we wear stoplights


“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


To the guy who invented the zero... Thanks for nothing.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer One / two / one two three four!


There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents


What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle


Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming


Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct  == Dec


The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones.


I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!


You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.


People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died.


I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did


What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear? If you climb a tree to escape, a black bear can climb up the tree and you eat you.The grizzly bear will knock the tree down and eat you.


"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. "What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge."Fu***ng looking for me."


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.


What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!


NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?" Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."


Three is a crowd Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house.   Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love?   Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us.


Why is it called “The Mall” Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”


I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know.


A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, "Aren't you going to help?". The man says no five should be enough.


Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? Because that was its Thor axe.


Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy


Cutting carbs You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right. I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.


Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day... Teach him how to grow tea...And he'll colonize your country.


When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said "you may not feel anything from the waist down." So I fondled her tits.


Today I’m working with my father in law He’s getting pretty good at it, I can just tell he’s gonna be a lawyer in no time.


Wise words from my grandmother. Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers. Some are also prostitutes.


Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent


If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... It’s a furry, cuz ducks shouldn’t be talking


what do you call a fake fish? a de"koi">!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’