A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him. His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.


What do you call an NCO in the Space Force? A stargeant


What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin


I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**


How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound? The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway.


I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”


Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.


what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket


Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.


It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country.


What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion.


A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”


Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day. She said "I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?"I replied "why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?"And that's how I ended up at the ER.


A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems. The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common." The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."


I asked my French teach how to say “I am tired.” She just called me fat and gay.


What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed.


My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing.


A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. "5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained. "Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."


My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters...


I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'. I saw it written on a Glass Door.


A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars.


Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs... Wax on, whacks off!


I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.


I may have Alzheimer’s disease ... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!


My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there.


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency


What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight? Frost bite


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites.


Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks.


The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer. Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.


Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.


Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated


What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.


What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich." "Okay, Rich," said the genie. "What would you like for your second wish?"


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya *^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*


I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.


Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel.


Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.


How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19? There's been two mass shootings in the past week


What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans


All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.


I hate father in laws So I only date black girls


I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom" It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.


I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks


A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons Everything is positive after that.


I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic... ...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs.


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.


What's the motto of the American Writers Guild? YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!


What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo


What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door? Adoorabull


When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake.


What is the most common food eaten in an airport? Plane Bagels


I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.


You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?


Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day.


Why do ad agencies use Meiosis? Because sex cells!I thought of this during biology earlier lol


My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat


How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware.


Why did the crowd boo at the comedian when he lost at boxing? He didn't use his punchline.


Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.


With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen... Now that's just taking the piss.


San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event. But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.


Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)


Americans have a terrible sense of humour I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.


The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.


Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking


Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..." Poor people say "Ramen."


The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP


I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day.


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper? She shows him a mirror.


Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.


When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies." Now they are "dot commies."


What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.


I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most.


Why was the leper baseball match cancelled? People started throwing hands


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the tf2 engineer keep twitching? Because he had turrets


I have the best way to deal with my gf When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day


Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home.


How do you know if a fisherman is rich? Check his net income.


What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first.


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!


What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.


I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.


Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.


"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!" "Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Senators* leaving the *Capitol*"


Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives


I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit "went"


My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.


What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia


What profession does the best networking? Fishermen


Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!


Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)


A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?" She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."


What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks


I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time


I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked." "Does it affect the price?" I said. "No, not at all." she replied. "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price


Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second.


I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist. Turns out she works at Gamestop.


I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield


If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry.


Why is peter pan always flying? Because he neverlands


Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query


A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump.


Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.


I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.


A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong? The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside.


If i get a dollar for every time i masturbate. Nutting can stop me


Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"


Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers.


How do you make number one disappear? You flush.


I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.


Why was the ghost depressed? Because it was a nobody


What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead? An ambulance


I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger


What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.


My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet. I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.


What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew


Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her."Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?""Get out of here. I'm pooping!"


What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.


Yo mamma's so fat that... ...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event.


Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke


Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online.


A waterbender, a firebender, an airbender and an earthbender walk into a bar He orders a pint


Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House? Mr Orange.


I like my bra sizes like I like my wrestlers Triple H


Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare.


A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.


Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.


Here's one you might know... There once was a man from Peruwho dreamed he was eating his shoehe woke with a fright in the middle of the nightto find that his dream had come true.


What happened when it started raining coins? It started knocking some sense into the world


Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced...


What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”


Man goes to the cardiologist "So, how many beers do you have per day?" the cardiologist asked."Four," the man responded."But last time I said you could only have two!""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two."


So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn’t need to eat. I said why, he said Because he’s stuffed.


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.


I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


My guacamole turned out blue instead of green :/ I accidentally bought Avatardos


Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!” He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”


I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance


My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.


What does a bored trampoline jumper say? "Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now."


I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love Foreign Axe Scents**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments? In his lab


I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought “I can’t turn that down”


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon.


How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly.


After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it


What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!


A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security.


Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”


What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.


Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes


Don't Do It In The Dark Roses are redViolets are blueI applied it to the headThought it was lubeNow my hand's stuck to the endTurns out it was glueSorry if I'm leaving you on readRight arm's down to my nudeFor hours I've been on my bedMy folks ... read more


Joke I came up with at a resturaunt, at night :) I love how the sun doesn't get cancelled even when it throws shade at everyone?


I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar. That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended.


Why can't you hang around after a yoga class? Because, none must stay.


What chairs do drummers use to drum in? A rocking chair.


A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"... I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!


I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed.


I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little.


A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her: \- What size should I pick?\- Pick L, Rick.Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.


I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die.. It's on my baguette list....


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.


What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.


When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke.


Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.


Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they're hill areas.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.


How does Liam Neeson make such good pancakes? He has a very particular set of skillets.


I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out.


Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras


I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.


One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit


To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull: I don't know how you can sleep at night.


Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".


People say being a waiter is a bad job... ... but, hey, it puts food on the table.


I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.That was just the tip of the iceburg


I only drink on days beginning with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow


What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents.


I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.


An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny


Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.


Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number.


My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."


How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.


r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time.


We always called our teacher Turtle Because he Tortoise (Taught us).Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.


Robert Kraft’s lawyer: It’s gonna cost you a whole lot more for me to get you off, big guy.


My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself.


Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses? Because they'll make a coup.Original... hopefully


When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!" "Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.


Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke


What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual? Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.


You know what they say about bathrooms... That's where shit goes down.


What do you call a duck that can't sing? Drake.


Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.


A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish.


Hey girl, are you a USB port? Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.


What does a bored trampoline jumper say? "Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now."


What is the funniest fish? A piranha-ha-ha.In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.


Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"


What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others? Mussolini


What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia


To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all.


What did the seed say to the flower? Okay Bloomer.


Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match? ... because you usually win with a riposte!(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)


What do you call a piece of paper with a Bull on it? Bullsheet.Yeah it’s really bad I know.


A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says "we don't sell that".He replies "But you have loads in the window"


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check? A pardon.


Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun... ...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.


A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.


When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside


Two farmers meet at their fence line. They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."


Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money


My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'.


A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"Haaaaaaaaaa!


What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow


What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing.


Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching.


Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?


What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'


Girls call me ugly until they see my wallet. Then they call me ugly AND poor.


I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.


Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%


Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy


What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail


China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed


Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics


Turns out, I’m allergic to latex … I learned that one the hard way


I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence.


What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke.


I don’t like diseases. I avoid diseases like the plague.


Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap.


Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel... He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..


What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!


A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?" Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"


A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease. Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet. Man: the 3P diet? What's that?Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini Man: but doctor, why?Doctor: because they fit under the door


Our safe word Is flower. But she keeps saying flour.


Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?"The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"


As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.


My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.


No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president.. there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..


not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.


Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult


Your momma so dumb she tried to climb Mountain Dew


You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks...


98% percent of the population is stupid. Luckily I’m part of the 3%.


Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day. All I really know is that I pulled a mussel


My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”


One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!


What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal


I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica.....


When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.


Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard


Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel.


Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit


If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes: A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, "And what are you?" The man says "I'm a snail." The host says, "And who's that on your back?" and the man says, "That's Michelle!"


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.


Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.


Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name. And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America


I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.


Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly


Why don't tax accountants have a sense of humor? Because jokes aren't deductible.


I was very proud of myself today. I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.His mom beat the shit out of me.


What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow" By Mr. Completely


Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95


What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad.


Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it? Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia.


Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero


I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.


When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium.


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.


I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go. I can't put it down.


What's the worst part about having a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm


There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide...All the survivors were marooned.


Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died? Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.


Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race? He didn't win, but he did finish number two.


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.


Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there.


Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.


At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love. I went home and found out I was adopted.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!


My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq But I guess jihad it coming


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.


Axe should make a deodorant called "English." Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."


You know what they say about the French royal family? It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.


Dad, did you get a haircut No, I got them all cut!


A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."


Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim...


How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.


Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now.


I reported my great grandfather to the ASPCA! He told me that during his years as a pilot in WWII, he was involved in what he called "dogfighting". How cruel can you be?!


Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*


Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran


What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!


Went to the corner shop - bought four corners


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."


What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye


What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt.


I think my wife is a weather forecaster... A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.


What's green and has four wheels? It's grass, I lied about the wheels.


It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!


I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped.


Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions.


Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to


A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa." When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".


Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!


What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle.


What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist


How big is a paedophile's closet? It's pretty spacey


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos!!!!Happy Halloween redditors!!!


Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.


What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.


The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???


Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?


I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.


Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece.


Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie? It was very graphic!


The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."


In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.


Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor.


As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit.


What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia


To my future wife and widow : when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.


What did the zipper say to the dick? Wanna hang out?


[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway


I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant


What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert? "Take me to your Lieder!"


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.


If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked


What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.


Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig.


I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche.


A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey!  I was going to eat that,  now it's going to taste like cucumber!


My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either.


What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water.


What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.


My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!


Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?” Dude 2: "brochure"


Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


Two men are sitting on a park bench And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them.    Then the dog starts licking its balls. The men watch for a moment and one says  "Gosh, I wish I could do that."   The other says  "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."


A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions"Name?""Hans Schmidt""Age?""32""Place of birth?""Dusseldorf""Occupation?" "No, jus... read more


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.


What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.


Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said. So I gather.


After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...


Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!


What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower? A Baguetti


Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.


What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J.


Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!


They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great... ...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.


What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!


My wife bought me a Lego car set to build and it said +3 years in the box. I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.


We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.


Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"


So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.


I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home ...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.


I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.


Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries. They blow it up.


It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on


I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF


My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account


Chuck Norris has a bear rug No it's not dead it's just too scared to move


Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding.


When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard.


You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to. Where Anne Hathawill,Anne Hathaway.


I met someone with Parkinson's disease. He was great at shaking hands.


How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.


How much should you spend on a bottle of wine ? I don't know...maybe 15 minutes!!


i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary. she went out with a wimple and not a bang.


Roses in a Vase, Violets on a Shelf Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself


Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House… After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11


There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones.. ..they make me feel even number.


A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?" Blonde: "In three months."


I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mother was furious.


I got my first shot. I’ll get my second one as soon as I get the bartender’s attention