Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was Impossible to put down.


Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls? He had a complex complex complex.


I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche.


I'm considering becoming a mind reader.. What are your thoughts?


As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.


What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ? CD-RUM


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub


Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.


What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it


How does the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying


How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again.


Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff.


My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton. She broke the cycle.


The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says, "I don't care, just give me something hoppy."


What do you call a playwright with Parkinson's disease and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer.


I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else.


Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons


My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!


The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted "Argh-bees!"


What do you call a fictional story about sex? A fucking legend!


Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies


I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. "Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.


What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night


Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port


What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win? The no-bell prize


What do you call a YouTuber who's really satisfied with life? A content creator


I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?" She responded "That's because it's an Evian"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!


A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!


[Not the Same one] A sheep and a snake roll down a hill inside a drum Ba dum tss ba dum tss ba tss tss dumP.S. i know this is a shitty take on the sound, but you hear it at the start of the video.


America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.


Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


There's a country in Asia that has a new use for dogs... Pets!


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”


A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal. It was a small price toupee'.


Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"


I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur. I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.


What does a shark victim see before their end? Fin.


I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....


Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?


So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?" I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "


My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house. I thought that they created atmosphere.


My friend likes to make off-color jokes about environmental disasters, like the Exxon Valdez and the Deepwater Horizon accidents. He's so crude.


me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers


What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4.


When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly


How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.


Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, "what will I be when I grow up?" She replied, "you can be anything you want to be." "Anything?" he asked."Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist...."


What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire


That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall


Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe? It was bruja brew brouhaha.


Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning. She says it keeps her abreast of current events.


Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.


We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man.


I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last... ...but I know my days are numbered.


What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss.


an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.


Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band.


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot? They really should. It would be a real Page-turner


A guy started yelling at me in sign language It was a deaf threat


Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike. For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.


My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive". I think it's unreasonable.


What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire? An amateur electrician


My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it... ... So I bought her a candle.


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


My grandmother used to say babies bounce. Looking at some of my family, I wonder how many she dropped to learn this fact.


What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).


What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag


I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants


The recipe said, "put the stew in at 180 degrees", so I did… Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.


My best mate was born by Cesarean... The only side effect is when he gets out the car he uses the sunroof.


So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart.


I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera


Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son". Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".


Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.


What do call a landscaper’s nicest pair of pants? His Grassless Chaps.


What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.


Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail


One day a kid asks his dad to buy a drum set for him His father replies " Sorry mate, can't do that. You'll play it all the time and the sound will drive me crazy"The kid say "Don't worry dad, I won't disturb you. I'll only play it once you are asleep"


My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, "That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine"


A new discovery about women in prison: They don’t get their periods until the end of their sentences.


Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks.


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs.


Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages


The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense


Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card? I dont know, but it was Under dah C!


How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly.


My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat


Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#


What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place...


What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.


Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded.


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath...


After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.


Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.


What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now.


What do you call a waffle on the beach? A San Diego


A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?


Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait.


People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn.


Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called... Wand Erection


I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion. It didn't protect against harmful rays.


Working in a mirror factory Is something I can totally see myself doing.


Dear Fork, Dear Fork,I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely,Spoon


Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House? Mr Orange.


I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.


I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I’m not too worried about it


What do you call a donkey in space? An ass-tronaut


Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese.... He simply stated, You reeka!


The doctor told me that one of my lungs was dysfunctional, and that the other one was being discriminatory about it... ...Turns out it was a case of pulmonary ableism.


Joke From My Niece Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!


Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"


A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:


what's the best thing about the make-a-wish foundation? they can really work to a deadline.


Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”


Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!"The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"


Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment


Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did


How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.


You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas.


Important copyright notice Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.


So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man...


Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it. From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan.


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house.


A man gives dollar to a homeless person After he threw the dollar in his hat, he noticed a second hat. The man frowned and asked: "Why do you have two hats?""Well, you see..." Said the wanderer. "Business is going well these days so I recently opened my second store."


The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'


What do you call a gathering of single hikers? A Trail Mixer.


2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”


I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed. Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.


Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.


Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.


Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus... Hollywood has Terry Crews.


Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves? On their...Dramatic Paws


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop.


Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I'm eager to please.


5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."


As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What Do You Call Two Latinos Playing Basketball? Juan on Juan.


I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants


Wrote a free file compression program. I made zip.


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.


Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day... Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.


If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes.


A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps" Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower""Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps""Oh I'm sorry""Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"


Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook? The charges were too legit to acquit.


I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said


You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold.


My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot


A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.


Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.


It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair.


A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?''Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off


A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said "my hands were tied"


Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.


I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.... so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.


Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages


Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.


What do you call an exhausted woman on her period? Drained


my girlfriend got vaccinated today now she wont hold any air


Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.


I tried injecting drugs straight into my blood stream, thinking I would feel better afterwards... but it was all in vein.


If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start


A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."


Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing


What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire


Corny puns Why can't the headless horseman ever win a race?A: Because he can never get a headWhat is Tiger Wood's favorite type of club?A: The wood


What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature? Luke warm.^^im ^^sorry


I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!


What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!


The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.


This hot weather... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay.


My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona. Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion.


What do you call a ghost who thinks he can singlehandedly unload fear upon the face of the Earth? Boo cocky


Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test. Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.


Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence


Getting a file out of the archives Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."Me: sigh \*unzips\*


A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?""No dear""Am I part Black Bear?""No dear, your all Polar Bear""Grizzly? Panda?""No why?!""Because I'm fucking freezing!"


I used to be a XXX movie editor but got fired. My boss walked by my desk one day and I wasn't watching porn on my computer.


The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related.


What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre.


What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized


[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body. Sometimes I can be a dick.


What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.


What is Virginia Governor Ralph Northam's favorite movie? Partial Birth Of A Nation.


The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'


Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.


What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop.


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


How long is a Chinese name That wasn’t a question


I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


Doctor: Our tests show you have no magnesium or potassium in your body. Patient: 0MG, 0K


A man walks into a library. "Hey! How much for a hot dog?" He asks the librarian.The librarian says, "are you crazy? This is a library!""Oh, sorry about that." He answers."^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?" ^He ^whispers.


I USE TO BE A BULL RIDER AND I WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD Until that guy from Wal-Mart came out and unplugged me.


What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic.


What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.


What is the laziest number 12 cuz it dozen do anything


BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £10. ME: Ok [slipping them £5] how about now?BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £15.


What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.The other is the shaming of the true.


A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?


It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday...


Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business? I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...


I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.


My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that.


Things you can burn for stress relief SageLavenderRacistsMarijuanaPaedophilesFrankincense


An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”


Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?


After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout


If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.


The number of unemployed musicians today... Is disconcerting


I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.


I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story Within 30 minutes I had a friend in meall credit goes to u/APater6076


What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)


My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap


I had so much fun doing surgery I might become a surgeon one day


You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby...(Anthony Jeselnik)


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater


My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut.


Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ? "I still love Vista, baby".


Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other"Which is closer, London or the moon"The other replies"The moon, obviously, can you see London?"


Tom asked Dick "Have you ever been in an railway accident?"Dick replied, "Yes. Once when the train was going through the tunnel, I kissed the father instead of the daughter."


Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes.


what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple


I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.


It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product.


2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral.


I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume” What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite


For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once.


A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..


When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


I got an F in Biology Class Next time I see my teacher I’m gonna punch her in the balls!


Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire.


I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.


Why can't towels can't tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor.


The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton.


I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


I try to avoid eating anchovies. It's a little fishy.


My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.


What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions.


[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity? He came out of his shell.


Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”


Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?


Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame? Quasimodo: I have a hunch.Priest: Don’t make this about you.


What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid


"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet "But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet."No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"


My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”


Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning. She says it keeps her abreast of current events.


What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash? A rectangle


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


What does the farmer say to his wife when he’s feeling sexy? Brown Chicken Brown Cow


What is the most calming scent? Chloroform


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*


"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick." "You're what, son?


The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night. She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"  Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.


A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?""No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."


In unison, the cannibals end their prayer for over population with a single word Rawmen


I just started a YouTube channel about viruses. I guess you could say I’m a real influenz-er


They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!


I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink.


I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising.


When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.


I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes. I just can’t see them taking off.


What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....


How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together.


I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature


Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He


Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!


What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp


This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed.


Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen? I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!


What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office? Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue.


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence.


Why did Dracula turn down the part of the Magic Mirror? He just couldn't see himself in it.


Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence


I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off.


What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ? An algaebra.Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator.


Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!


Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.


Why did the fisherman go fishing on his day off Just for the Halibut


An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.


Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper.


What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"


How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push.


This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.