I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty.


Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."


A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please?" The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"


I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there.


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost


Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk


A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.


Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.


What did the boy say to the mounted policeman? I've never seen a horse with two dicks before!


Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight


What do you call someone with no body and no nose  Nobody knows.


They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free


My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.


I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off.


What are the lungs favorite food? R-alveoli


What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!


What do Russians play at the bar? Snooker Blyat


When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.


We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!


How did the police finally stop the paint thief? They caught him red handed.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour


What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs? Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.


Sometimes, I use words I don’t understand So I can sound more photosynthesis.


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when clients leave? Thanks for coming!


If youre having trouble losing weight Try gaining weight for new years resolution


What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room? *KABOOM!*


I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell They were slugging it out.


Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo


What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change


My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it


A Helium enters to a bar of elements... The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.But he didn't react.


I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons.


Little old lady calls the fire department A little old lady calls the fire department and says, help, come right away, my house is on fire.The dispatcher says okay ma'am, how do we get there? The little old lady replies, don't ya'll still have that red truck?


"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree." "I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?""No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."


Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”


In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own. That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion.


What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona.


There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.


Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)


Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5. John was the mean one.


Trump doesn’t know geography... Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC


Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.


So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".


What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless.


What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot.


My wife Ruth just died at age 78 Is it too soon to call myself Ruthless?


I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library. I never even knew they had a section for that.


My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard


Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones.


50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.


My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.


Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, "The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"


What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!


A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"She smiles and says, "Yale."He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


A good percentage of my friends are Nazis That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to haveEdit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!and fuck da haterz


A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.


At the court: Please, have mercy! I have a wife and 3 kids! I am sorry Mr. Brown, but you have served the sentence and paid your debt, you are free now.


When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company


What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide


Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."


[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.


What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders


How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches...


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did


inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.


My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!" Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.


This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said "Really?"She said, "Yes."


Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat. As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."


Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint


What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”! And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)


How do oysters get around? In mussel cars.


People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!


The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!


I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"


A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar. The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.


My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she’s toast.


What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP.


With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in... They really need a hair traffic controller.


Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China I hope they've put it straight into iceolation


After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.


A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house.


Hindu dies and goes to heaven... Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, "I wish to speak to Jesus Christ", and St Peter turns his head and yells, "Jesus, your cab is here!"


Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did


Why didn’t Peter Pan’s career in stand-up take off? Because his jokes Neverland.


So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"


The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.


My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.


Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.


My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything. But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher. I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?


I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was Even the walls started cracking up


What's the difference between a nun in church, and a nun in the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.


Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that


I phoned in sick today "Exactly how sick are you?""Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."


I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.


What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument? Nothing, because they don't have lungs.


my girlfriend got vaccinated today now she wont hold any air


did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together **OMg**All I knew, till last week Oxygen was dating PotassiumBut they said it was just **OK**


What joke is the same in all european languages? USA


What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down? I’m really on the fence about this one


Two old ladies are harvesting potatoes when one unearth two massive tubers. "Sweet baby Jesus, they look like my husband's balls !""How, as big ?""No, as dirty !"


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again


I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,   Beating it.....


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


How did the orphan with a stutter get drunk? Can I have some mimosa?


My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life


The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team.


Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.


I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.


My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth? Cloud Storage.(Original joke!)


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department Because he was picking his nose


What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops.


What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans


Jokes about Feminine Hygiene are the lowest form of humor Period.


If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip: Don’t get emotionally attached


Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.


There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!" Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."


Judge- “So Mickey, you’re telling me you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?” Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. I said she is fucking Goofy.”


At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.


"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace." "Really? That old chestnut?


Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested Charged with battery


I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking


Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer


My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing.


I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... "Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?""My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."


How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne.


I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.


My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.


[NSFW] What is the ornithologist with binoculars doing on the nudist beach? Looking for Great Tits!


The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin. While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.


My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors.


A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”


Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".


My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.


How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character? Just one per Anna.


TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area


What do Sharks have on their toast? Mermalaid.


My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital. He’s a proctologist.


Why should you never listen to coins? It never makes any cents


Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.


Describe eating spicy food. That shit burns.


What’s the male version of a Karen called? I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.


I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"


I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver


I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath.


Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars


Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.


My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet? “Hi, jean!”


You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ? I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.


If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.


What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa? Claustrophobia


Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass.


I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA... For my black jeep...


I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”


One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock. That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.


What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.


My daughter just shrieked at me, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.


I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


A student is late for a zoom class... "What took you so long?" the teacher asks."Technical difficulties" the student answers."I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?""My clock"


Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...


I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini.


HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning.


A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"


A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.


A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it. The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."


I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew.


A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me DickHer : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?Him : you ask nicely ...


So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it


A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... "Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail."  The other asks "how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.""Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"


I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”.


What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?


Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets


What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous.


“Roses are red, violets are red, if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.” \-Stalin 1946


While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me "Do you have tennis shoes?" I responded, "No, I only have 9 issues."


My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag


What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War.


A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"The man says "To have sex"


Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting


What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball. A dick with no balls.


What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building? Going down on the elevator


My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour. Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.


My niece calls me ankle... I call here kneesWe are a joint family!


I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.


Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!


My high school was so small.. we had Driver’s Ed and Sex Ed in the same car!


Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!


Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games? All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.


My New Year’s resolution is to read more ...so I turned the subtitles on my TV.


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


I never understood why people hate Internet Explorer and Microsoft Edge so much I am always able to flawlessly download the Firefox Installer using them.


Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up


My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.


What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given.


A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort? About half a gran.


BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months


What do you call an Ewok who just ate pancakes? A sticky Wicket.


A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB.


I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison. That sentence was way too long.


How do angels light a candle? With a match made in heaven.


What is this movie about? It is about  hours long.


Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle.


A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons Everything is positive after that.


'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"


I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point


What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.


Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?


What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh.


I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”


What can you find in a dog park at night? Some shady shit.


A wife calls her husband. "The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.""Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?""What happened last time?""He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"


Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”


I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about it...


How do Japanese people ask for rice? Samurais?


Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date


You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall.


I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off.


I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped.


How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.


Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer.


Who's on first... Then the CDC, then the respective foreign ministers of Iran and Italy.That will be the running order of the press conference


Where do swedish bears sleep? In their sweDEN.


How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet.


The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"


The other day I saw a documentary of hyenas eating the remains of a dead lion I guess they just ate what was lion around.


A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?


My sister goes to the pizza place The pizza guy asks: "would you want me to cut your pizza in 4 or 12 pieces.She said: Please only 4, I can't eat 12 pieces all alone.


I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s.


What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins? Santa Claus comes once a year


I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet.


What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.


A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. "5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained. "Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."


2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."


One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers. When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.He than left, and never came back.


Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**


Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war. They've never heard of Eric Burdon.


I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.


The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.


What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro? .rar


My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother.


A couple gets into an argument... The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil."What are you doing?""Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*


Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.


Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K


My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.


Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.


Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously? He was tired of doing comic strips.


I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes He can’t write with a guitar


I applied to get a job as a video editor. Didn’t make the final cut.


A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?


Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump.


An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."


A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.


What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark.


I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!