One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office.


Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates? They always destroy the shredder.


Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today? Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.


What do you call a deer who wants to make cartoons? Adobe Illustrator.


I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women... Still in the Garden of Eden.


How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box


What is Donald Trump’s favorite sports team? The Dodgers


Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!


So my family is considering matching tattoos. My eldest sister recommends flowers.My middle sister recommends fruits.My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.


Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U.


Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.


Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.


So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man...


Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."


[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille? Caution hot surface


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!


I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night.


I Can't Tell If I Like This Blender... It keeps giving me mixed results.


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:"Hey, man, leave some for us!""I can't, I inserted everything."


My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.


A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly. "Iran"


You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider


A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath" The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"


If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together. I shit you knot.


What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction


Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.


My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”


As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states. Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?""How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!""Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".


My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... "I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."


What room do ghosts avoid? The living room.


I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels She said "Sure, what volume ?"


What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean? pollution


If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God Then does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?


The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.


Drugs are a lot like my coworkers My wife does most of them


My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!


Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?... He was a gluten for punishmentSorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.


By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly "A man who lays with another man should be stoned"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


If a tree falls in the woods It won't make a sound because it has been copyright claimed by Warner Music Group.


What does an African neck beard mosquito say? M’laria


An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.


What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant.


I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed.


What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur? ITS FUCKING RAW!


Every time I pull down my pants women scream at the size of my massive... Kneecap. It's starting to worry me now.


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


Why is "R" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C.


How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!


Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


let robots vote like any other person so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*


A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist. Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.Officer: What is your age?Tourist: 31 years old.Officer: Occupation?Tourist: No, just visiting.


You are under arrest Police: You are under arrest!   Me: Why?   Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.   Me: Did you say six?   Police: that is correct, six!   Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.


My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it… I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’


I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.


What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks.


A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore


A Helium enters to a bar of elements... The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.But he didn't react.


You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen


Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.


My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'


A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!" His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well


Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice. Son: No.Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.Son: Okay then!Dad goes to Bill Gate.Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.Bill Gates: No.Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.Bill Gates: Okay then!Dad goes to the CEO of... read more


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Okay, you man the guns.  I'll drive."


Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.


Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure? Because they had a naan starter.


I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit


My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.


Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car


What’s Orange and Lies Constantly? A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.


I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”


What do you call... ...a man in a bush?Russel!...a man in a lake?Bob!...a man with a car on his head?Jack!...a man with a spade in his head?Doug!...a man without a spade in his head?Douglas!...a man with a toilet on his head?Lou!... read more


Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics


Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.


At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”. The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book. “What was it called?” I asked.“My 2 years in prison”


Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager.


Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”


Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections.


Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency.


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


Patient: every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit **Doctor:** you have a bad case of updoc**Patient:** what’s updoc?**Doctor:** this is more serious than I thought


A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon... ..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.


My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”


What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD


What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.


"Why was the slab of marble upset?" "He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."


A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ... So, he decided not to brisket.


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction.


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work It takes balls.


Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore


Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.


Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. It wasn't a great day at the zoo.


A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time.""I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."


A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."


New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!


What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!


What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.


I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.


People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house? My wife.


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..." "You'll need to have utensils taken out."


I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.


Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.


What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.


My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition.


A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."


Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster? They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!


The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd… …they've left those kids a loan.


A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.


A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.


I was talking to my physics teacher... Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?Me: yeahTeacher: cool, you know what den city is?Me: no?Teacher: oh, its mass over volume


There was a huge uproar when the official theme song of the National Leukemia Foundation was announced What's wrong with "Bad to the Bone"?


I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"I said "$200 and it's yours."


What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs


what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth


A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer and they were both fired.


My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.


Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down. I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.My fucking wife knows everything.


What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea? It sinks.(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)


What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s


What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.


When my parents were getting divorced, I was given a choice to go with my mom or dad. I chose my mom. I left my dad for milk.


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear."Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."


How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell


What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys


What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray.


A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."  And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."


Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!


Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China? The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping


I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down [remooooooved]


I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."


My kink went from gross to illegal I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet


How do you live with a terminal disease? You don't.


My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar? A: She said its days were numbered.


What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.


Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..


I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!


Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that


My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house


Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.


My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs


Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake


What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender


Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.


What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.


My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian Well nobody's laughing now


What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.


I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14.


Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. "I won't stand for this"


My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors, and three Captains and two Lieutenants.


What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says, "I don't care, just give me something hoppy."


I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."


The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer


A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump.


Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area. I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.


What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning


What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.


It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow If you find it, you go to prism.


Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid.


Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant.


If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist.


A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography Teacher: "what state do you live in?"Student: "denial."


Whats a Republicans favorite instrument? A Trumpet


Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.


Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.


I had too much Middle Eastern food today. Now I falafel.


A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.


What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño.


Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.


There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.


My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order


How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!


I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”


I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked... "That's Michelle" I said


I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool. Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.


Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K


A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.


How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.


My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.


Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!


What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get? The No-bell prize.


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!


I googled "how to start a wildfire"... I got 48,500 matches.


How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist? Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.


was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?" Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products. She had clear vinyl on her furniture


Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday.


If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?


What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud? One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.


Why was the JavaScript developer sad? Because he didn't Node how to Express himself


Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.


TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK


Thats a Bug \*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*  Other Scientist: no  \*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*  Other Scientist: no  \*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*  Other Scientist: fine whatever


Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately! Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians.


Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.


What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug


What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal? The groom


Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.


People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!


People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection.


Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall.


My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day. Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy! TrueMotherFuckingStory!! Face-palm!


Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns.


I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA


A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!  Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!  Condom: Hahaha...amateurs


My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!


My Biology Teacher Asked What ATP is... I replied, "where Native Americans live."


Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes.


People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease


What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash? Jergen's lotion.


I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep.


My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat


What’s black and slides down Nelson’s column? Winnie Mandela.


A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”


A dragon would never explode But a dino might


They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger.


Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.


A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, "Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?"  To which the pirate responds, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"


What do Catholic cows do on Fridays? Chew their cod.


I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”


Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back.


a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”


My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence


Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!


People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"


How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ...


I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.


What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice.


NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket Who decided one day to say "Fuck it."He climbed up to the top,Fell down with a hop,And that's how he kicked the bucket.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory....


I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.


{air horn sound} {second air horn sound}Me: “this isn’t deodorant”


Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)


What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr? The Ham-Burr-Grrr.I'm not even sorry.


As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”


I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years


I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".


Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.


I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine.


Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week


What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack? Mountain Dew Code Blue


I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops


Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.


I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."


What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!


A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers.


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field


What do you call a pile of cats?  A Meowtain.


Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?


I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. "Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.


Did you know you can tell which women are the biggest coffee lovers by their bust size? They're the ones with K cups.


A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive. Unless that language is Klingon


It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


What do you call a slightly injured Cow? Ow.


Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.


Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep? It had nothing to lion.


Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind.


What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater.


If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry.


My kink went from gross to illegal I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet


I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser.


What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?


Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.


What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.


Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump.


Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.


What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine.


I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'