Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.


From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?” Chicken sees a salad.


What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not.


Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed


My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him.


My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!”                   My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”


Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence. For example:Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.


I want to repaint my room a shade of white... ...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".


TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers It's known as the Dalai Pardon


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit? It was a big cat-astrophe


What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march.


What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill? Barbie Queue.


I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”


an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.


Why is Among Us so popular in China? Because its the only thing that lets them vote


What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it.


How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.


Did you know the oval office is full of money? There's a wad of bill's under the desk


A Caesar salad walks in to a bar A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back


What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.


In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.


"NSFW" Peter Paul took Peppermint Patty behind the Powerhouse and stuck his Butterfinger up her Cherry Bing. She let out a Snicker.Nine Mounds later she had a Baby Ruth.


Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.


My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.


A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood. He's typo.


Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? Just switch off the light!


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat.


Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '


A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness. I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


11:45 Arrive at the crime scene 11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle  11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain 11:45 Realize watch is broken


Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.


We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.


What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA


What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.


People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless.


What's something you can say in church but also in bed John 6:9


According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too.


Anal swabs are made compulsory for all international travellers to China. This is in line with their "China first" policy. First China enters you, then you enter China.


What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush.


I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.


What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women? A Biplane.


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon.


A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?",,Yeah, I was.",,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?",,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me."


What drug do French people use to get high? Oui’d


So my therapist said time heals all wounds so I stabed him and now we wait


Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch.


Why did the computer always play "Someone Like You?" It was a Dell.


What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.


"I am a writer!" - "And already sold something?" "Yes, my house and my car."


My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn


The air in California is so toxic I think I might date it.


A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree, While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.


We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)


Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons.


Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime." "Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare."


I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.


A guy is having a check up at the doctor's... "Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?""I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in  Uranus right now""I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc""Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"


I fell asleep at the mall today... I was counting customers leaving the Apple store


What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!


I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them


Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission.


Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump? T hanks


Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.


Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!


What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan? Minefeld.


I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance


My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, "That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine"


I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video He suggested “poor k”.


I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough


My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.


Why does China always drive on the left they don’t have rights


What do you call a box of viagra pills? An expansion pack.


Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**


Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding.


What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Quattro Cinco.


We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.


You are under arrest Police: You are under arrest!   Me: Why?   Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.   Me: Did you say six?   Police: that is correct, six!   Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.


What's one form of communication God will never use to speak with you? Fax


Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing.


What type of jokes do turtles like? Shell-arious ones.(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)


What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John


You know what really takes guts? Digestion.


I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop.


I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold.


We all know Marines eat crayons, but what's their favorite flavor of crayon? Crayonberry.


I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?


Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice


What surprise did the artist give to the nun? Unsolicited diptychs


The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military Cuz they USAF


Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth. Then I snapped out of it.


I like making self-deprecating jokes. You should know, they are not that great.


Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day. All I really know is that I pulled a mussel


What was Iran called before it was formed in 1979? Running.


Nic Cage went through such a hassle to find a national treasure. When all he had to do was look in a the mirror.


I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free


I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


Phoebe: "Do you guys know any chicks?" Chandler: "Fowl? No. Women? No."


How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection. I guess you could call that Jet Lag.


Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table. That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up? Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again


Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks


What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed


What's the best state to grow vegetables in? Okra-homa


When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian.


Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed! Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.


I've never seen a cross dresser. But I've seen some very irritated credenzas,


My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie.


What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab


Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more


My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said. So I gather.


My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen


Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow… I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow.


What color is a mirror? It depends who you ask


What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights.


Why do dinosaurs like sushi? Because they like their food ROAR!!!


So I'm covered in glue and that was a mistake? I thought I was supposed to shelter in paste!


So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number.


I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But... My mom would kill me!


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said "I'm sleeping with your sister."


What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)


Ok, this one is a bit tasteless. So proceed with caution. Water.


"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder... ...why did he wait so long?


Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop? They had more money than scents.


How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black.


To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all.


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"


What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is


It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing.


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


I'm tired of explaining to my spiritual Guru how E-mails work. He can't just understand what attachments are!


Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*


This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more


Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them? So you can have sax with them.


What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket? Udder chaos


An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."


I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response


6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood


Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter.


What do you call your grandma's number on speed dial? Instagram.


What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.


Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I'm eager to please.


What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons.


Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”


This sentence contains exactly threeee erors. The third error? The fact that there are only two errors. The fourth error? Running this gag


Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more


Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley!Everything but the kitchen sinks.^(I warned you)


We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone. Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.


A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”


What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap.


So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra.


It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast.. But now I can look back and laugh.


I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong.


Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!! Wife: If I don’t complain about a few inches, neither should you.


Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard And the wife shops very hard


I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices She doesn't know what's cumin


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."


Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory. It was soda pressing.


It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."


What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary


My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? "Because fuck u that's why." -- George Washington, Revolutionary War


I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!


What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.


Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.


My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.


Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist.


I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”


So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit.


What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur? ITS FUCKING RAW!


Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.


Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.


In an ambulance "can you describe the snake that bit you?"Me: "yes,  it was like an angry rope"


I walked into a pet shop. I said, "I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death."He said, "Have you got the receipt?"I said, "No."He said, "Why not? We need proof that you paid for it."I said, "The parrot ate it."


What does the US government use to kill flies? They use a S.W.A.T team


What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!


Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\- Ah, this must be outside.


Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet.


What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew


This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.


Crayons are just like M&Ms.... They taste the same no matter what colour they are.


What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together? [Banned]


What's the best New Year's resolution? 1080p or 4k.


I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow.


What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets


I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.


A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.


You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold.


What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!


Q: When did they find water on the moon? A: When it was waning!


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.


What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.


Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts.


Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


What's a Pirate's favorite programming language? Python. It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.


This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore


A man came up to me in the park. "Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?""A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."He sighed.Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"


A man walks into a bar "Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??"A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: "Me, why?""Nothing, paint is dry and it's time for the second coat"


So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.


I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music?


So my grandpa told me a story... He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.But today there are too many damn cameras!


An Oxygen molecule go sees a doctor "Doc, Im suffering from terrible cramps" says the Oxygen Molecule."That's an easy fix," says the doctor, "Just eat some Potassium and you'll be OK!"


Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English.


2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral.


When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.


Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting.


Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)


I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart.. ... and kidney.


I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more


(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”


I just got my diploma from my Skydiving class. I had to repeatedly drop out to graduate.


According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination? HAND EYEEE-E-EYE


If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!


My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'.


When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said All of them!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.


Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.


My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.


Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants.


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment


My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now.


If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together. I shit you knot.


Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man” Until I walked in on him banging the maid.


Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.


Why couldn't the Clam make new friends? It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.


Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick. He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"


New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... "The Missing Link"


When I was young everybody believed in me The doctor saw in me a potential physician The teacher saw in me a potential professor The chef saw in me a potential cook The priest saw in me a potential partner


What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get:- your wife back- your house back- your truck back- your dog back


Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!


What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe


How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away


Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider? It's called Shallot's Web


What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty.


My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon.


3D printers are now printing guns... That’s nothing though.  I’ve had a Canon printer for years.


What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs


Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid.


Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out


What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients


what's the difference between a rapper and a country singer? Country singers keep their hoes in the shed.


Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork


Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber.


What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!


How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.


NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide. Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.


How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired.


Saw "IT" last night Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated


Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad.


I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test.  I call my friend Brian."Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?""No""Cool, cause you know me."-Mitch Hedberg sort of


A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer and they were both fired.


Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It’s called Chirpies. What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s... untweetable.


How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house? He came home from work with gnocchi.


What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!


Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights


When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium.


Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?


I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick.


The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king" From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead"


What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space? A steroid.


The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.


I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”


Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth... is such a first world problem.


I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed.


After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner


We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason


Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets


Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party. He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:Ah still love Vista baby...


I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"... The 5th one will shock you!


What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.


Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb. I just can't part with it.


What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows.


I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!


I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym


I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals. The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19.


I have an unpredictable connection with my tap. It's a hot and cold relationship.


2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark


Chuck Norris has a bear rug No it's not dead it's just too scared to move


It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well


Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card? I dont know, but it was Under dah C!


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


What do you put on a bacon grease burn? Oinkment.


My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics But it's still shit


During a severely cold winter long ago, a well-known American poet came up behind me and gnawed on my leg. That was the only time I've ever encountered Frost bite.


It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!


How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side


What's a horse's number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey


Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank.


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.