I faced the wrong way on live television. Back to the studio.


A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."


Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging


How do you get into a locked cemetery? With a skeleton key


My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide


What did the head say to the brush? Comb over hair. My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.


What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


What's the deal with racism? You're not running a race.


What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.


I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius.


What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!


What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan


"do you believe in ghosts?" **Me:** lol no— even my grandma says that's dumb"dude your grandma died 10 years ago"**Me:** what?!


I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.


Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


The Energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.


My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.


What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.


A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man The Woman says "TGIF"So the man says "SHIT"The woman again says "TGIF"And again the man says "SHIT"So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its FridayAnd the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday


Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done.


What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships


I heard of the infantry and thought it sounded great! I just sent my toddler there!


Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort.


I met a girl named Ruth When she left me, I became Ruthless


Boss shows up at a job site Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."


A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport “Nationality?”“Russian.”“Occupation?”“No, I’m just visiting”


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here.


The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. "It's because I gave up sex," he said."When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter."Just about fifteen years ago.""I see," said the reporter.  "And why did you give up sex?""I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!"


How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!


My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before... Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.


A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”


What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver? Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.


The two quotes that shows a person's true colors: "It's just a game.""Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."


I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that


I was really surprised when I was born. So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half.


Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud. One genuine dad joke for your amusement!


What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.


I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.  Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!


Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.


A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says "That was quick!""You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man."Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers "no money."


Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store


Which state was Sarah Palin governor of again? "Alaska."No, don't worry, I'll ask her myself.


A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.


There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change.


In architecture and armoury, a "boss" is a giant knob. And also in general.


Porn is like a library book.. It's probably got cum in it


I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging.


The world is your oyster... Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost


What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly


What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel


How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight? You parry the platypus


A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.


Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry.


Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist


The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off


What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food? Only Thyme


What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!


What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song? What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?Area Codes by Ludacris


Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge.


Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at.


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat.


My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!


I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat.


When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?


The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+


What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor? Yamahahaha


What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan


What’s the most intense moment in history? When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.The steaks had never been higher.


Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.


Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up


What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP.


After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets?Twins!I am so sorry....


A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.


I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.


I got in touch with my inner self this morning. That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper.


Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.


Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"It replys "I'm positive."


A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins


What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster.


What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on.


Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.


Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro you were there wtf


I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.


What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!


What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole.


What do you call a fort made out of doors? Fort Knocks.


Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?Because Santa only comes once a year.


How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait.


I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space but the cost was astronomical.


*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''


Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -


What is the purpose of war? "God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain


My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible


Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.


Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented? Now that's groundbreaking idea!


My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.


Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."


As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


I used to race snails when I was younger... ... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.


A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases. Though he got off on a technicality.


Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this


Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.


A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"Man: "Well, it's a long story."


Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!


I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.


Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out.


*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer. Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals.


if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out? interviewer: we meant questions about the job


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.


[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial


This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.


A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\*


After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance. The air ambulance won.


What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede.


Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically."Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."


Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K


What do a computer and a shark have in common? They both have megabites


Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea. When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.  "Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"  "It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."


Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)


Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else? Because the Americans don't care about "U".


My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today.... ...now I have a hare-less pussy!But seriously, RIP Carrots.


How will the Judicial System improve? By Trial and error.


President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.


I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!


How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.


I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein


I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable


5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy? **Dad** : Jesus Christ !! Who taught you all those bad words ?


What do you call a Dinosaur that's also a witch? A Tyranosaurus-Hex.


Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls


Ole John John was a religious boy who he prayed all night that he be accepted into heaven, the very next day he had a vision where Jesus told him “come fourth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a flip phone


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet It was a shampoo.


I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there.


Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”


I can read any language in the world! If it is written in English.


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


In Soviet Russia, you rob bank In Capitalist America, bank robs you


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad*Dad: *Clenches fist*Mom: "Don't!"Dad: *Sweats Profusely*Mom: "..."Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"


Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station...The other's a busty crustacean!


I hope that one day, I can turbocharge my car But that’s just an aspiration


My idea of a balanced diet... Is a beer in each hand.


My boss fired me. "Why?" I asked.He said, "You always question authority."  I said, "How?"


How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian


Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark? Because he’s a Great Dane


What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Kathy: "Wow, you have really gorgeous hair." Chandler: "Thanks, I grow it myself."


How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes


Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you.


Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!


I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.


I taught my dog to climb a ladder... ...because he specializes in roofing.


What do you call a waffle on the beach? A San Diego


There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono


I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters


A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters." Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!


Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin.


Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."


A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom..."Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.""But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!""He did What? How dairy!"


"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else, **I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**


The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.


Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators


I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!


I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."


For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California? His argument didn't hold water.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.


A German gets to border security... Border guard: "Occupation?"The German: "No, just visiting"


I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them


I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range Because yelling "SHOOT" is just to dangerous


What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.


My uncle died from a turtle stampede It was a slow death


How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint


A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people


I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!


What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!


I used to live with a closet-gay roommate. Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away.


I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers.


I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like...


A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together. For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for. "This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"


I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.


Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument? Because it will always B flat


Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks… …because the other is a buoy ant


My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over It was a Manuel handling course


What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem-Surprise!(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.


When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium.


Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


Why did the skeleton climb the tree? A dog was chasing him.


What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected.


I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'"


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”


What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times? An ambulance


Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood? It's a hare-raising tale!


The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?""Round?""Get a round""I get a round?""Get a round...""Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.


Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."


" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "


My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He'll be born in March


A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.


I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon


A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged. He  said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "


I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.


Why should every starter house come with a cat? Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”


Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo


This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???


I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.


A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump.


What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding? Dam it!


What do you call two dogs breathing heavily? A pair of pants


Why did everyone want the truck on their tug-of-war team? Because it had a ton of pulling force


If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start


[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.


Prof to the student: Did you study geography? Student: Yes sir.    Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?    Student: At page 35 prof.


(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”


My friend was an ex 'flat-earther' He finally came around


Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...


Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent.


What do they call the rapper "50 Cent" in Venezuela? $1,554,270.59


What is it called when two female members of a royal family have sex? Princest.


A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?" "It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts.


In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"


Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist.


What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq A Saddam


A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman After much deliberation,they named their son Ravi O'Lee


This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."


What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks.


Did you hear about the guy who got shot by a starter pistol ? Police believe it was race related.


No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, "$100 for three questions.""Isn't that a bit steep?" asked the man."Yes," said the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"


Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero


What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier? Suture self.


Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!


I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.


Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students? To the suspension bridge.This joke can't even hold itself up...


Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)


A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."


I once knew a girl with no eyebrows. she had a hard time expressing herself.


My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.


Mind your audience with these. They'll have to understand certain refrences to get them, so they're better saved for older kids.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Bert: "Ernie, how do I look?" Ernie: "With your eyes, Bert."


Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.