I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me.


I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.


I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


TIL That the Japanese Actually Have a Word for Cartoon Chicken Sex... It's called Hen-tai.


When I want to read fiction, I go to the library. When I want to read nonfiction,  I go to the truthbrary.


What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College


What do you call a girl who never masturbates? You call her a liar


How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box


Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized


My dad said I was a mistake I hope thats a joke


Which body part hurts most when you get hit by a right-angled triangle? Your sinuses.


A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream. The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."The grandson takes a couple licks."Grandpa, this tastes like shit.""Son, you're taking too big a licks."


How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A.


on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."


I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round. She replied that it was very flattering.


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side.


A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell.


What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber? A flash bang


The Ohio and Michigan Institute of Lions and Tigers and Bears. OH,MI.


Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ... he works around the clock.


Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.


I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.


BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.


bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin


In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true.


I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon.That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.


The United Kingdom is breaking up! Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.


A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”


My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?" I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"


China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed


Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard.


What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.


“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”... “Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”


Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground? He didn't pay a tension.


What did the new comic say to the mic? Thanks for the feedback.


What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador


Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo


I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it


So I like to stand on one leg sometime, like a flamingo, to help with building my balance... My girlfriend always rolls her eyes at me and the other day she snapped and yelled at me to stop. I said, “This is my house, don’t make me put my foot down..”


I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."Rodney Dangerfield


Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb.


I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?" "Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."


What do you call the connection between a family of Force users? The Force Kin.


A man walks into a bar That was in 2006, detectives are still unable to find Brian Shaffer and his disappearance is still a mystery.


The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.


Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop


Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. "I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please," he says. "Sorry, but I can't serve you," the bartender replies. "You're out of your head."


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.They told me they were still dealing with my order.


All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!


What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia? A hamster


We have ghosts in house \- "I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too."\- "Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again."


Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.


Exclamations can really change a sentence. For example:I like eating pizza.I like eating exclamations.


What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy


If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless


Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more


What is an owl’s favorite board game? Guess Who?


Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles


Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake I hear it's shocking


The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!


I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!


My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”


A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal. It was a small price toupee'.


What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe


Theoretical duck What did the duck say after it split the atom ?Quark ! Quark !


Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites.


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."


The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin... appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”


I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link


I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor.. .. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail. I'm still struggling to catch my breath.


A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts.


I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"


Did you hear about the newspaper editor that was fired? Apparently it was quite the sandal


I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service. I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


I just had an idea for lawyer porn... I call it "getting off on technicalities."


Where do you find giant snails? On giant's fingersI'll see myself out


Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)


Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious


There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.


Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.


How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving? Click the 'End Meeting' button


My Biology teacher told me ants are female The males are called uncles


What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles? See ya later suckers!


A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.


What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tigers got a much better driver


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.


If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump


No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail. They all said it was a hard pass.


Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)


I decided to turn my frown upside down one day. Now my head is broken.


Why are scented candles so expensive? Because they take a wick to make one.


I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.


I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.


St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator.


One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”


Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury.


What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


I admire people who analyze stool samples They really know their shit.


For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational People are saying he just rolled over.


What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk.


Today I was counting potatoes I was being quantipotative.


My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. "Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.


"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?""Nothing."


A kid asks his mother: "how come im black and youre white?" She replies: "listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark."


What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose.


Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.


If you’re American if you enter the bathroom and you’re American when you leave what are you inside the bathroom? Euro-peein’


Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.


Dinosaur file transfer How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?First, he puts them in a .RAR


Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research.


What do you call a young thespian pig? Hamlet


A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”


I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!


What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand


Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are?Me: *SCREAMS*Therapist: Oh I seeMe: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*


I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance


The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.


My mother in law just got Reddit I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife.


What’s the difference between a brick and a red velvet cake? Not much, if we’re going off my mother-in-law’s recipe.


Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say? MESHELL!


What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function.


Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."


Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer.


My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.


Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.


What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months.


I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents.


Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist... We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.


Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads


So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"


Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head.


What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet? Gobble-You!Note: my six year old made up this joke.


Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.


Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"


When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President! I'm starting to believe him.


What does an Australian ghost eat for dessert? Boo meringue


My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles. I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”


Why are there so many public mass shootings in America? Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.


My friend is a therapist. Last night we were going to play video games and he said he was having trouble getting one of the game controllers to communicate with the receiving node. I told him they should use "I" statements.


There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried


A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced.


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked


A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, How long have you suffered from that condition? The guy tells him, Since next Monday.


Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…


Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says... "You man the turret, I'll drive"


Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P


Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain. Due to all the indoor fins.


An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God


What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club? Tell everybody


My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy. Why did the sweater go to boot camp?To warm up!


My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence.


I just found out that Bilbo Baggins died from a Viagra overdose. And that just goes to show you... ... old hobbits die hard


How can you tell the difference between a horse and a pig? The horse is the one that doesn't look like a pig.


What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl


Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.


My balls are just like scented stickers All i do is scratch and sniff


There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount". The possibilities are: end, less.


Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate ...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.


Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure? Because he lactose


What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening? “Bonesaw!”


Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage


I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.


Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.


When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know


How does Rapunzel keep cool in the summer? She uses her hAIR conditioner!


Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation


Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face.  After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says "use the forks luke".


What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L


If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke


I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today. Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.


What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic? Mask-era.


What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life? A catastrophe


Blow Job A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible.


I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day... When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.


What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash


My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way.


Two eggs in a frying pan One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


Man goes to the cardiologist "So, how many beers do you have per day?" the cardiologist asked."Four," the man responded."But last time I said you could only have two!""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two."


There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group So everybody came on the bus


A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.


What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction.


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


I gave a phone and 100 dollars to a homeless guy today. You will never know the happiness I've felt when he put his gun away.


Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory


What do you call a person who loves crocodiles? A crocophile.Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.


6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes He tells the genie "I am a simple man.  All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"


I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest


It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.


I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.


Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.


What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.


Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi.


Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it


What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!


WARNING: Tiger King Spoilers Will make your car look stupid.


Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo


Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality. It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.


“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.


There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now


Why are restaurants great places for networking? Because they have a lot of servers


I heard there’s gonna be a new compilation CD celebrating Bill Withers’ career It’s going to be titled No Longer Withers


People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot


Two eggs in a frying pan One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”


When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.


(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!


What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia? An "Aussie-Moron"


Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.


Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


Self analysis If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself


Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.


If 666 is the evil number Then 25.8069 is the root of all evil


A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries."Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."


What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!


In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish. It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.


You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster. But it only makes them more sluggish.


A friend and I went to a chiropractor exam and we had to unscramble the letters PEINS He wrote SPINE, he's a chiropractor now and I spend all my time on reddit.


I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked. "Maybe." I replied.


What do you call a one-eyed cougar? A Mountain L on


Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)


In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked.


In USA being -on the lamb- means: :Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.  In Wales it means...well, something else.


Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password. It is not stroganoff.


Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Girls in Bangkok are like a box of choclates... You never know which one has nuts


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday.


A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.


French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.


I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves


I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading. I told her:''Tips to cook delicious food.”And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:"I have reached where they are cutting onions."


what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple


What do cannibals on a budget eat? Raw Men noodles


'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"


What's the difference between a train wagon full of babies and a train wagon full of sand? You can't unload sand using pitchforks.


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? "Hey there bud!"


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts.


Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."


An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right. The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'


I'm not really a fan of steampunk but I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk.


I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.


Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.


My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted. The judge told him.


Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out


What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!


Bob was blind. His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday.When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.


When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume.


Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter


“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.


Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon? Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.


Are you a USB port? Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.


Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)


What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use? Cirque d'Olay


I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces. She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.


My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik


When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics" I never understood why bird watching was wrong


Always have a sadistic person light your grill After all, they're literally pro-pain...


What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe


An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?"


I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them.


What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.


That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours.


no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.


Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.


I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora." It means a lot.


What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music?


Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"Putin: "No, just visiting."


A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.


I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous. In the end, I turned down the offer. *I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*


Bullfrog If Kermit's astrological sign is Taurus, does that make him a Bullfrog?


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”


What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events.


How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!


I ate a salad for dinner! It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.... I had a pizza.


What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!


"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse. "Knock Knock""Who's there?""John.""John who?"John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively


I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.


Mind Your Words... In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.He said "SHIT"...It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...


One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors


If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.