I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!


My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression


My son is sort of like rapunzel But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.


How does Santa measure things? In santameters.


There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size. Police say they are still at large.


As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, “Honey?” She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”He said, “Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.”


Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons.


My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust. Me: Oh, man thats terrible. Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.


I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.


What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand.


What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!


I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program. I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard. I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer.


I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.


What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius? 0 K boomer


5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar. Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out."What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!""Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"


Some kids are afraid of Santa. They suffer from Claus-trophobia.


My mind has never been changed by anyone, not even once. It's been naked its whole life


Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.


A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.


Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.


Why are televisions attracted to people? Because people turn them on


Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix. Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...


r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore... Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.


What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.


What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white


I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security... ... But they're probably not going to get it.


What Star Wars character would be best at limbo? Han So Low


Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof


"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother. "But at least I do not have Leukemia"


Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons.


I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together


My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one.


My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much I told them, “Just you wait!”


Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs? ...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.


When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!


I heard Venezuelans like 50 Cent But they call him two thousand dollars.


Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.


Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year.


I was studying about human digestion, assimilation and it's product. It's all shit


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia


I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit


English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"What is a ternative?


They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free


Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello." The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.


What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized


And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights.


I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it.


What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more


Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.


One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.


I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker


Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said... "I think you're supposed to open that first"


Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible.


Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P


I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it.


What do you call a female barber? barbara


A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head


I saw an amazing picture of a printer on r/funny It was inkredditable


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house? I was de-lighted!


A woman in my office died. A woman in my office died. It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails. Some people got upset and I was like ‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


Found my spirit animal It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.I'll see myself out now.


I hate loan sharks. Much better to just buy them outright.


How many Russians can you fit in a lift? As many as you can Put-In.


My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life.


The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?" Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."


I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue.


What did the English pimp say to his accountant hooker? 'TALLY, HO!'


A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa." When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


To all those people that say "age is just a number"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word.


The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!


If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?


A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.


We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls - Sharon is Karen.


Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.


How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes.


I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice” It was a cross word puzzle.


As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass. Just like your mom.


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter.


I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food It was an act of won ton destruction.


What member of the A-Team has a bachelor's degree? B.A. Baracus


It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers. But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh


I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.


What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush


My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.


Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator. Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.


I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella.


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"She replied, "Just a riddle".


Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time? Al Kaline.


A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”


Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches… My doctor said it's my grains.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters ? Anna One, Anna Two


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore.


I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon


My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... "Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh


Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.


Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar


I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.


Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)


My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored.


Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest.


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?" The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."


I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."


Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.


After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success


My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan "Well, it's not unusual" i told her


The other day I thought I found a real velvet pillowcase... ...but it turned out it was just a sham.


Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East? Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow


Break a leg everyone! I was going to say 'Happy New Year', but I tried that last time, and it it didn't go very well


What do you call someone who steals lotion? A smooth criminal.


A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!


A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.


Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume


I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.


Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded "I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself".


Randomly thought of this one What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip? Plain...Ok I'll leave now.


What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier? Suture self.


What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet.


Sometimes I talk to myself for no sane reason... Lol yea me too.


When I become famous... I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image.But I'm getting ahead of myself.


There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc... ... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese? Smoked Muenster.


what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd? suicide vest


Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”


In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk.


What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers? Sphere Factor


I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.


Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.


We should just name hurricanes after politicians. That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


What is this movie about? It is about  hours long.


Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1


I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club Now I'm banned from the local zoo..


I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship


What do you call someone with no body and no nose  Nobody knows.


It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history But I can Samurais it.


My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe


Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing.


Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"


My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea


How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew? When you find a hare in it.


What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies


The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month, there was no coffin at his funeral


Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham


Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”


Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!


Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.


Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street


[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it "The Oregon Trail".


A couple is watching TV together... ...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says "Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf."


I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.


Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?


Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.


Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.


What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.


Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.


What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode.


TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"


Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.


I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.


I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”


A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.


A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet Tough shit


I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14.


I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.


Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!


I was driving a jeep in a new video game It was a little buggy


How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before) Where do math teachers go out to eat?K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n).


Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!


What do you call an aged leaf drink? Maturi-Tea


What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement? Not enough cement


What do you call Donald Trump’s form of currency? Trump change


How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose…? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find


My dad helped me fix my computer today He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out. Still don’t get it tho.


Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.


I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."


Knock knock. 9. Nein your business. German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.


For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.


I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.


If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**


Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting.


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage


What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.


I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work... She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin


The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out.


My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.


Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig.


City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day **Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope


Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.


A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB.


What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck


I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


I went a week without makeup and here's what happened: Nothing. No one gave a shit.


My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said. I think he's in for a shock.


What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)


I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium.


A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode.


What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence


“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”


Every dictionary has at least one mistake It’s in the “m” section, after mist.


Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear


Russian to get to the punchline Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash.


What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers? Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.


Tomato paste is pretty viscous I guess it’s not very fast paste


Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out


How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema.


French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting


After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows.


What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner... I want some Oral, B


Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite.


A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand."I didn't know frost bites."


What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.


There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat. He called it his pro-tractor


My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her.


I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.


I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”


If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed. That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.


Why is it called “The Mall” Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”


Why are condors such efficient fliers? All their luggage is carrion.


The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.


A comedian was telling a joke about binary numbers. It was a good bit.


When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard ...found my mom's body.Smh worst day of my life, I loved that turtle


John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t


I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were Icy Stares.


What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy? An ARTY-Fact


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean


Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them... They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.


Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s! (born on December 31st, 1999)


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit i wasn't mad just disappointed.


Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"


I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.


What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ? Fizzyscists


The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!


I was with a group of friends when one of them suggested we play Twister. This person knows I'm not a fan of Twister. I hate being put in an awkward position.


So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten


Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust.


China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile. But their condoms are "Made in China"


What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News


Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character" Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."


What was the first form of digital storage? gloves


Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation.


What kind of television is gay? An LG TV


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument.


February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on.


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”


A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man stammered, "Yes."Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"


I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet! ... once...


My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.  As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."


Two goats chew on a VHS tape. The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*


Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.


My dad said I was a mistake I hope thats a joke


What do you call a family that smokes weed together? Joint family.


Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.


An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted. It was a turtle disaster.


What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail


What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist.


How are old people in Socialist republics similar? They have a tendency to collapse


A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"Guy replies "First blowjob"Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"


What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo


I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces. She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.


I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It's my oughtobiography.


This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”


My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong... It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.


What do programmers wear to an event? Whatever is in the dress code.


Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”


I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!


I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American


Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll


No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.


I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.


I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime.


My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran He's a pom-iranian


Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed. They're not laughing now!!


15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.


My wife said, "You weren't even listening, were you?" And I thought, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


My friends call me Peter Pan Because my jokes never land.


Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.


How many Venezuelans does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, they have no electricity.


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door"


I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too.


What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet.


I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"


My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.


Two fish were put into a tank. They started talking. One said to the other, you drive, I'll shoot the guns.


To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.


When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.


A stray kitten showed up at my door. I was like " you got to be kitten me.


Honesty is the best policy But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.


They say dracula has turned over a new leaf He's been re-vamped


Just say NO to drugs ! Well, If I'm talking to my drugs... I probably said Yes.


What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes


What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block.


What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone? Bisaxual


Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall


Relationships are like Indian food They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid.


What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay.


How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.


A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here"


Whats similar between a hurricane and women? They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**


my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless.


After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years


We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9? Because you need 3 square meals a day!


Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions? Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot


What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality


What shade of orange is okay, but not great? Mediochre


While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, "can I help you?"  I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?"  He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out."  I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* "Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"


Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball? They say he had perfect pitch.


I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee.


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke but you guys didn't like it.


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill.


According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal


Comparing the number of Instagram hashtags for #apple and #orange really is apples and oranges


My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."


A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.


Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments. The choir kids had a hard time


A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent.


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.


A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer.. You're really irrigating me


I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer.


An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”


Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start.


What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond.


What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not.


The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.


At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*


A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."


Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"? Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!


How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk.


UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist


What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's? Jackpot!


I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.


I just won a water fight against some kids in the park No one's a match for me and my kettle


What does the German Power Ranger's alarm clock say? ITS MORGEN TIME!!


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


Dark humor is like food... I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself.


Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head""Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies


'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'


You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs


Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking.


A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name? The *Tooth Ferry*.


Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#


I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut.


The present day is not like the 1960's Nobody can drink from any water fountains.


What did the blubber salesman say when he found out the margins on petroleum were better? Whale oil be damned!


What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole.


An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said "Ah well , you know. I can't complain".


I have a very mild form of Coronavirus. Heinekenvirus.


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator


My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo


Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match? Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine


Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark? Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet


They say “when pigs fly” means impossible But how come we have swine flu?


Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts.


What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble? I’ve got my ion you.


They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!


If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?


Why should you bring rabbits when making beer? They'll provide you the hops.


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument???? THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first.


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.


Phoebe: "Do you guys know any chicks?" Chandler: "Fowl? No. Women? No."


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?