A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?" His answers were just as brief:"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"


Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!


A man walks up to me and says.. .."Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?"I say "Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam."


Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.


My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”


My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California. So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....


Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)


Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong They're much better roasted.


My waiter asked me how I like my steak So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.So the waiter said rare it is


It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are.


Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map That was just downright rude!


Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin." That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.


What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash


My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection. She said I have too many issues.


What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year Coalrona


What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles


I recently got fired as an architect An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault


A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs." That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”


The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me."Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."


I used to work as an accountant, but I was sick and tired of being just another bean counter. So I started my own coffeeshop.Ah shit.


Why do golfers need two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one.


The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces. Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.


ahhh, the negotiator usa: knock knockIran: who's thereusa: door momIran: door mom whousa: I've come to bargain.


My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us.


My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her... Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.


Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)


How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool? You turn it upside down.


It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well


A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"


The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards


What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese


Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Two cows walk into a barn "man i hate this farm", said the first one."mood", mooed the second cow.


I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car


I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years


The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.


The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.


What do you call an Italian transvestite? A grease trap.


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate. I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.


An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says "I can't serve you without ID."


What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued? What the fuck are Yuan?


Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit.


I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich


What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.


Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah.


Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit.


Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.


Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment


Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: "Is there a dog?"


I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending.


What do Donald Trump and Tony the Tiger share in common? Both are orange and both say They're Gr-r-reat!


I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were Icy Stares.


An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”


It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?


What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.


Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America.


My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.” That is not a good sign.


A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him


Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.


Did you hear the one about the gorilla with a food fetish? It's fucking bananas.


Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.


Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison.


Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Say Putin was on a scooter Could we call him Scootin' Putin?


So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD.


I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.


Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking.


Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.


Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.


How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!


I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'


What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.


What do you call a zombie sleepover? A mass grave


NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'


How do you express your opinion in China? \[redacted\]


I'm still in a state of total shock I mean the Cubs won the World Series


How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.


I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week. But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'


Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush


I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.


Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I’m never getting a massage there again... place rubs me the wrong way.


Wanna hear a giraffe joke? Nah it will just go over your head.


I don't judge anybody for masturbating. You do you.


Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.


SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time. It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.


Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid.


Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do


Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]


What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much? They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)


NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode


Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant? They had to change his mind.


You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?


What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.


What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot? "I've made a grave mistake."


Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic? They have had bad experiences with mandates.


A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill.


Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.


No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President


When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.


Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof. When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.


What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer : Incorrectly


I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.


Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night.


What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada


Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)


I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed.


Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag.


Two Chinese guys break into a distillery. One turns and says to the other,"Is this Whiskey?"The other one says "Yes, but notas Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!


Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner. She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.


I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure.


What did Donald Trump say to the cow? Fake moos!


I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call. The short answer is no.


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


What does Thor call his underpants Thunderwear


Trump doesn’t know geography... Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC


What did Chris Nolan say after he got a movie idea? "Where's ma-co-caine? "


A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”


pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!


I've realized that Children are like farts You don't mind them when they're your own But everyone else's are disgusting.


What do you call a cat on the beach? Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone.


There is an air conditioned farm down the street It's a pharmacy


Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe


Why do dragons never finish anything on time? bc they like to drag on and on.


What do you call Dragon with no silver? A dron


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon


I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use... 2B or not 2B


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed High school student in poll position


Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”


What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.


BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement: "Fake noose."


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.


How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest? It barks.My 4 yo made this up.


What's brown and smells like bacon? Kermits finger


How does the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying


Have you heard that new dog sled team from Canada that formed a rock band? They're called Mush.


A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish.


3 kangaroos walk into a bar "Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.


So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"


Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?" Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."


What’s a pirates favorite letter? R? Wrong it’s the C


Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best... Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot


Can't take a vacation.. \- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover.


Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock Shoulda picked paper


What does a black samurai call his frightened enemy Pussy ass ninja.


A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?" The animal replys" well,  I am a tiger" The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger." The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"


I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them.


Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo? He hates ill eagles.


A friend of mine said he likes metal. A friend of mine said he likes metal, so I asked him to tell me 3 blacksmiths. He said, "Will, Jaden, and Willow."


I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight


Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film... What a wookie mistake


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress? Am I what, son?


What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA) Water because butane is a lighter fluid


"Smart" Televisions. What do regular TVs and "smart" TVs have in common?You watch TV on them.What's the difference between a "smart" TV and a regular TV?A "smart" TV watches you too.


What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).


They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find


The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation.


The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible... I'm sad as a coconut.Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...


I am friends with a farmer and his windmill. One likes country music while the other is a big metal fan.


The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.


A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.The bartender says "that'll be 2020"


If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room.


A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh


Why did the banana go to the doctor? It got it stuck in my colon.


How do you get a squirrel to like you  Act like a nut.


I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.


My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married


Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten.


What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce


A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?" To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."


Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out... ...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.


We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.


Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood.


I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman.


Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.


Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.


Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.


Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries. And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....


To understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is


I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket.


Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!


Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!


If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend.


When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]


My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat


What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV? He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.


Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


What did the color say to the other color? I love hue.


When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it


What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire


I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14.


An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs. His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.Father: You're grounded.


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer."


I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently It's really all about raisin awareness.


Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell.


One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.


My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried.


Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too


Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.


What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off


What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on.


Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar. Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.


Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."


So a time traveler meets George W Bush... Time Traveler: "What year is it?"George Bush: "2001"TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"GB: "Before"


My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince... ...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.


Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more


What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white


Did you hear about the cargo ship that sunk while shipping food? Apparently there was a leek in the boat.


Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump? T hanks


Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.


Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together That would be a huge waist of money.


An guy with dwarfism tried explaining he escaped by climbing down the outside wall of a prison It was a little condescending.


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you.


What chairs do drummers use to drum in? A rocking chair.


What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt.


What do you call a celebration for bubble tea at Comic Con? Boba Fete.


A boy asks his father, "Can I have a bookmark?". His dad starts crying, "After 10 years you still don't know im called Brian!".


A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"


A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.


A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.  It's doing well.  He says prophets are going through the roof.


What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass.


What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus.


What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that.


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


What did the alpaca say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."


(Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows


I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)


I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches. So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels.


Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers? Plant Parenthood


There once was a kitten that had 16 lives... And then it got run over by a 4x4.


I tried to make Indian sourdough But that was a naan starter


I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out He gave me a terminal diagnosis.


Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.


This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb none they just beat the room for being black


How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread? You cut the ends and now have endless bread.


Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial? He was trans-bender


My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant.


Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.


Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her.


"Humans only use 10% of their brain." Or at least the ones that still quote this.


"Dad," said my son during the music performance, "who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?" I said, "Son, he's decomposer."


What's red, black, white and can't go through doors? A nun with a spear through her head.


Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”


Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)


Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.


One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out... When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.


Why don't trees talk? They don't like to dialogue.


Two Melons Fall In Love The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”The girl replies, “No, baby.  I cantaloupe.”


The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project. The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.


I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it.


Why Amazon bought Whole Foods Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole FoodsAlexa: Buying all of Whole FoodsJeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.


I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard


I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club.


- Did you know that airplanes black boxes are actually orange? - What? I thought they were boxes!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.


Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does


What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush


What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt.


Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo.


Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample." Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."


What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery...


I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.


What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events? They're going to televise the world origami championships live...  On "paper view"!!!


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.


I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents... who molested me.        credit: Ryan Stout


A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros.


Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel


Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away


The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did? Iran.


Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve.


Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time