Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


"Why was the slab of marble upset?" "He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."


My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"


[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply.


Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.


I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless.


What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents.


There was a marking on the road that said "Taxi Rank" and a driver pulled into it. After assessing the car, I tapped on the window and he wound it down.I said, "Hello, pal. I'd give your taxi a 7/10."


Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.


Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling.


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives..... Yul never wore cologne!


Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”


What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm


I caught my son chewing an electric wire. He is grounded now.


It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?


I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion.


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though... ...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.


Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu


In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own. That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.


At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them.


Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota.


What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human


You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.


What do you say when a gorilla rips you off? Ask for your silverback.


Self analysis If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself


In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal


I’m glad # is not called pound anymore. Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.


"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?" No thanks, I gave at the office.


Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.


What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb.


How did Juliet maintain constant temperature? Romeostasis.


When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".


Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet? because they dont have mosquiTOES.


Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles


When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums... Now, they have cameras.


In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... "Because they make the toys."


Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise.


What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa


Why can't your nose be  inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!


Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts. It was offal!


Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came


I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired. So I gave the Bucharest


What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.


How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box


Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it... It's still fowl language.


Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps? All they did was meth up.


A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.


What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.


Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues.


Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."


What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j


Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9.


Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.


A Jumper Cable Walks Into a Bar The Bartender say, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"


Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts.


What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians.


What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese


Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss."What do you think we should do?" she asks.Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"


We always called our teacher Turtle Because he Tortoise (Taught us).Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.


Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.


What's one thing you need to watch out for during a Jewish hurricane? The flying de-bris


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name. It’s Top Secret.


AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub


What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)


Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell


A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"The man says "To have sex"


How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.


I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents


Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again


All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties.


Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..." "I'm not kidding."


My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother until my mom took the urn from me.


Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!


My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.


How do you measure an idea? In ideograms.


A wife calls her husband. "The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.""Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?""What happened last time?""He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off


Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog? Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.


Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad? Because he loved the ranch


What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn.


Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research.


Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business? He was a self made naan


Dad, can you put the cat out I didn't know it was on fire.


Why couldn't the Clam make new friends? It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.


Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck


Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced


An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men: The sir prize.Please feel free to improve this one >\_<


How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles


Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking.


My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there.


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni


My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.


What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies? The PUSSYbility


A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?""Hans Muller" replies the German."Occupation?""No, just visiting this time."


What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money? Pennywise.


I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!


"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision." "Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"


It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down.


You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere


Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius.


I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward.


As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.


I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they... ...show me the moon, eh!


Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals? Because they never finish their sentences.


to prevent theft, the declaration of independence is now locked in a nicolas cage


I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because... it didn't make scents.


Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is? Luke warmSeemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.


Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.


Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go.


"It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen."


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store. I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.


Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards


Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina? Realizing you only put 10 in


A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, "Where are you from?" The brunette haughtily replies, "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, "Where are you from, bitch?"


The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?


If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap


(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."


What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.


People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house? My wife.


What do you call a communist sniper? A marxman.


Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.


Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter Isn't that nuts?


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card? Cause i’d tap you


What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."


What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele


My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille. It’s giving me Goosebumps


What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward? What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?Ag I tat Ed. I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.


I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security.


When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine That way, I’ll go out on a high.


People gathered in masses To buy paper for their asses.


Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind.


My niece’s joke... First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!


What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells? A trans-hex-ual.


Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up


Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living... Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?


What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers


A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"


What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present.


What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig


I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead.


What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener


My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.


I know potato jokes have been made I’m just here to rehash them


A man who runs in front of a car gets tired, a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.


Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: "Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"


Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."


My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly


Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal? IDK, force of hobbit I guess


Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”


I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger... ...then it hit me.


Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)


What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast? "Hail, Caesar"


Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!


How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint


Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache


What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor


How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound? The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy.


"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”


Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.


What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at? La Crosse


...well darn I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.


What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor? You’ve got mail


My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen


Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into." Therapist: "A void."Me: "Good advice, thank you."


Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show? He equals emcee scared.


Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex A dinosnore


Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced


A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.


Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles


As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.  I titled the course: "Prose and Cons".


Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.


I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee.


Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter. I'm just giving them my two scents.


The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out.


Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival? There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"


What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.


Why is it a bad idea for jealous people to date an archaeologist? Because they are always *dating* other people.


I found an old violin and a painting in the attic. The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."


While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck.


I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest... She had a cracking pair of tits.


Little boy runs to his mother yelling "Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!" Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. "Haha Aprli Fools!" laughs the boy "He hung himself in the basement."


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight... “Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”


Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


Why do gongs make people think of China? Because they're a national cymbal.


Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.


What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War.


What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!I’ll see myself out


Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.


Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office


For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake.


What do you call 10 cucumbers in line? Queuecumbers


[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille? Caution hot surface


What do you call a box of viagra pills? An expansion pack.


TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.


Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con.


On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens.


Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌


Guys please stop making jokes about Helen Keller. They’re just plain senseless.


I’m tired of people calling me a rapper. It’s simply not true! I always ask for my lovers’ consent.


Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.


What does Rupert the Bear wear chequered trousers ? Because he has shite fashion sense.


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you.


Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.


Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally.


What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.


What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.


A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:


Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.


Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation Anna Cornacoba


Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?” Dude 2: "brochure"


What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong? 500 Internal Server Error


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."I was raised to listen to my elders...


Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.


“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today” “It’s coal man”


I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again. I didn't want to deal with repercussions.


I had to go to the doctors' yesterday, because every time I 69 the wife I get a terrible headache after a couple of minutes. He suggested we do it lying down.


What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)


What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice.


What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.


My uncle got addicted to deli meat But I heard he quit cold turkey.


what are cows knees called? burger joints


Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ? \- you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh


Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun.


It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.


You have to love female accountants... They consider double entry the standard.


I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they... ...show me the moon, eh!


All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!


Release the vaccine in vape form. I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.


I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.


They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons


Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection.


I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s.


Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Where did the dinosaur have their Bar Mitzvah? Jewrassic Park


I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly.


Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out. Finally, he got rid of his Adickson


Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia. I hear it's pretty lit.


I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”


“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”


Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.


New discovery. Scientists have recently discovered a new potato variety resembling a human penis.They are calling it dictator!


Pepsico have teamed up with a leading pharmaceutical company to created a viagra infused soft drink. I cannot wait to pour myself a stiff one


Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research.


What do you call a reptile with magic powers? A wizard........I’ll leave now.


What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!


Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles? At the Bustacean


I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'


I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."


Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time


I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.


A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors.


What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.


What do you get when you cross a cactus and a pig? A porky pine.


Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What do you call a flat earther vampire A no-sphere-atu


While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck.


Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale


I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.


I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts.


Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship! He now goes by "Hugh Truck"