What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish


If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?


Why were Russians indifferent about the Cold War? Because they lived in the So Be It Union


PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it.


What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.


Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"


I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)


Why are atheists bad at exponents? Because they don’t believe in a higher power.


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes I texted her "Oh Pun the door"


Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English.


In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin? A squash :3


What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!


Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.


What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out.


Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces


What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house....


A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head


A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest.


I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads. I call it "Uneasy Rider".


Amanda frowned at the man who had just proposed to her. "I'm sorry Mike," she said. "I just can't marry you.""Why not?" He asked. "Is there someone else?"The frown deepened. "Oh Mike... there must be."


My uncle got rich the American way He tripped over things and sued people.


I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.


I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents


Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


What do you call a vampire in trouble? A grave problem.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. "I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please," he says. "Sorry, but I can't serve you," the bartender replies. "You're out of your head."


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in.


What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!


Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.


Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today. Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.


Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football? It was a superb_owl.


What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common? One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.


A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!


Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering.


I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...


Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future


On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers


Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day.


Errors are red My screen is blueI think I deletedSystem 32


Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda? **Best Buy employee:** a cord?**Me:** no it's a Civic.


My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure.


Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours They called it a day.


I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.


How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle


My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum? A meltdown*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated


When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout.


A friend of mine said he likes metal. A friend of mine said he likes metal, so I asked him to tell me 3 blacksmiths. He said, "Will, Jaden, and Willow."


What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet


Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike. ... unfortunately the result was unbearable


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.


Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly.


How to control population ? Google: Use a CondomBing: \*Cocks Gun\*


scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!


What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador


Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China I hope they've put it straight into iceolation


A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. Sometimes I get sheep paralysis.


What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot


I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’


Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat.


After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it.


My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.


I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library. They have an excellent non-friction section.


My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most.


What's the biggest drawback to voting by mail? Postage from Russia will cost a fortune!


Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.


What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups? A blunderbuss


What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad.


I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo


I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"


A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut"


A man walks into a magic forest A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.  "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The  man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret


What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it.


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.


It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard


A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'


I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award. Golden globes


A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."


What is the script editors blood Type? Type O !


Those childhood days(real incident) I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariouslyTeacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?Voice: This is my father.


I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance.


Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '


Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White


The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer


A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.


My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it.


I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet... I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”


If a biologist studies biology and a nutritionist studies nutrition Trump must be an expert at studying races.


What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese


I started dating this blonde chick last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."


A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, "Where are you from?" The brunette haughtily replies, "I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, "Where are you from, bitch?"


Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush”


A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency. He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”


My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer.


Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil


Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they? I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.


So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it


I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there.


My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now.


Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)


Why did the dollar bill go to a therapist? He wasn't making any cents.


“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.


What do you call a Snowman with a six pack? ..............                                                  An abdominal Snowman.  ;)


No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, "$100 for three questions.""Isn't that a bit steep?" asked the man."Yes," said the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"


As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti


A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless


This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.


How many lips does a flower have? Tulips


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


Leafblowers are dangerous Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.


A cockroach in my home just came out of the closet. I was shocked at first but I made sure that it felt supported and loved no matter what or whome it loved.


I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today. It was a pointless lunch.


A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park. He wasn't arrested for murder, or animal cruelty. His actual charge was for the destruction of government property.


At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."


Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along? They were too shellfish.


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.


" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "


Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize For real


Clark: "I'll have a coke." Flight attendant: "Do you want that in the can?" Clark: "No, I'll have it right here."


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Monica: "Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." Chandler: "How do you find clothes that fit?


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!


What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? "Hand eeeeeyeeeee......"


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I recently started learning to play the violin, and I think my neighbor enjoys it. I assume he's throwing bricks through my windows to hear me better.


“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”


Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins? Because they're never spotted.


God wants to go on vacation So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they’re still talking about it!


What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


I Was on an Egg Hunt Earlier. I tried to find them by heading to the far West, but it turns out it was an Easter Egg hunt.


whats a dogs favorite vegetable collie-flower


I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery. I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers


My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd. I had to correct it to OCD.


2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral.


I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know.


Why'd the jelly cross the road? to create a traffic jam


A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:"Hey, man, leave some for us!""I can't, I inserted everything."


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge


When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.


Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award


what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet.


What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.


Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)


NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"


What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One is a good year, the other is a great year.


If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease... Would that make him a dead man Walken?


Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”


The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”“Can you tell me what comes after three?" “Four." “What comes after six?" “Seven." “Very good" says the teacher. "Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" “A jack.”


For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)


They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!


Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen


I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love Foreign Axe Scents**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.


How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot.


I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters


When my parents were getting divorced, I was given a choice to go with my mom or dad. I chose my mom. I left my dad for milk.


Why do Nature Valley Granola Bars make good trail food? Because they go fucking-everywhere! When you eat them.


DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."


I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked." "Does it affect the price?" I said. "No, not at all." she replied. "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."


What did one loaf of German bread say to the other? Gluten tag!


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!


I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday Offended she asked: "Sex lessons? Isn't it good enough?"."Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.So you can finally learn how to blow."


The American Foundation for the Blind has done such good work for blind people across America I really wish they could see what good they’ve done


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.


I had dinner with Garry Kasparov at a restaurant with a checked tablecloth... I asked him to pass the salt, & it took 3 1/2 hours


Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel.


Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.


My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik


Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking?" she asked. I answered, "It's me... talking to my beer."


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human


I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said "suture self"


My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.


I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip.


When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting. We call it our Con Den session.


A poem (Nsfw) There once was a gal from Cancun,Who had a most curious poon.T'was coarse like a thistle,But tight as a whistle,And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.


Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you


What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD


Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple? He was a rebel without a Claus


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable.


Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly


I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber. He said it really helped him keep his shit together.


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


What do snails say when they gave way to traffic? Yescargot


Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.


Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection.


I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!


I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius.


Two guys want to share a golf cart Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can't share a cart unless you're cohabitating.Customer points to friend; Well, I'm fucking his wife.


How does an Italian win an award in television? He has to rigatoni


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood.


I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one. Hey did you hear about Jim?No, Why? I heard his septic burst.Oh I see...Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold them.


When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.


In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.


I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick. It was acoustic.


The Tupperware Bra Heard this a very long time ago. The latest thing in female under garments, does not lift, does not separate, does not support, but it keeps what you got nice and fresh.


Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million.


A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence


Why does the tooth hate minorities? Because it is bracist


My wife cut herself putting the clothes away. When she showed me, I said, "Wow, and I thought I was a sharp dresser."


A student comes late to the class Teacher (T): Why are you late?Student (S): Mom and dad were fightingT: So what makes you late if they were fighting?S: One of my shoes were in my dad's hand, and the other in my mom's


Me- "So I was making a family tree for class." Stranger on the bus- "...ok?"Me-  "Turns out that my father's father was a Jew."Stranger- "That's interesting."Me- "Yeah, guess you could say that makes me...Jew-ish."


What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students? Doctor.


If only mosquito nets were handed out in Africa. Each year we could save millions of mosquitoes dying needlessly of AIDS


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!


I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.


What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra.


Rockstar Just Annouced A GTA Spinoff About Breaking And Entering Its called GTFO


Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother."Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.""Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him." Johnny then frowned."I was sitting on Daddy's lap"


Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer


A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!Hunter: You have my bow!Warrior: And my axe!Mage: And my staff!Necromancer: And your dead brother!


Roses are red, violets are blue. When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.


David Beckham’s son arrived for football training. He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.


Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.


Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'"


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"She : "Let's see how this date goes first"


I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing


My great grandfather got to see the Titanic He told everyone it would sink, no one believed him. He said it again, they shut him up. For the last time, he warned everyone that it would sink. They have had enough and he got kicked out of the movie theatre.


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.


When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income.


If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of? Compton


It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat.


My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq But I guess jihad it coming


Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.


A bear wanders into a police station He was just there to bear witness


Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?


What school of magic does a Giraffe practice? Neckromancy


That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.


i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin ...how is that guy still alive?


Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off


I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.


Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck


(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog.


A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars.


California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned


Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment? She's always eating out


What do call someone who steals pancakes? A Crepetomaniac


So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub.


Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.


I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.


I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”