My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..


My friend is addicted to oxygen. He keeps telling me he can’t live without it.


Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”


Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray


A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here"


My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."


What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!


Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"Surgeon: "I know, I am"


My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... Do I Keep The Letters?


What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!


What does a large Karen use to eat her salad? A Bitchfork


Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent He just ran out of space


Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology


What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip? Launch.


LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on ....Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.


I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument.


Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbersDoctor: no, it can really harm your dick


Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.


A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working. It made no damn scents.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough.


A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently. Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree. "What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel."I want to eat some cherries.""But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here.""It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."


Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may


A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.


Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!"


Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head.


My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”. That was not a nice postcard to receive.


Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip. Never mind it is pointless.


A guy and his girlfriend were getting frisky, and he says “I’m pretty good, god-like even” as he starts to go down on her. “Oh god! Oh god!” she’s screaming and thinks “he really is god-like” as she finishes with an “ooooooh gooooooood!”.  He lifts his head, spits in the water glass on the night stand, and proclaims, “Red wine!!”


Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!


Women are like parking spaces All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one


Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.


You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.


I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction.... Lake Flaccid.


Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase.


What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out


A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear... Ahh Migraines!


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


Our family surname is “Daniels” So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack. She hates it.


Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled? He made a dill with the devil.


What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle


I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured I learned about it from my local K-F-C


A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          "don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?""Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."


Tech company mission statements be like We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.


Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)


I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.


I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"


Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.


A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is."I want to meet Iron Man now"


What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?


The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How do you spell "candy" with just two letters? C and Y.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!


Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum


My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist. It turned out to be a great diss appointment.


Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!


Why won't any sea creatures date oysters? Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.


Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]


Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster


What's the name of the band who's music helps people sleep? ZZZZ Top.


I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"


Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120.


Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating.


I wish my ex was a WiFi network so I could forget her.


My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched


If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.


Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry? Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!


Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front.


So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"


If you have a meal on top of... ...the leader of the Nazis, does that mean you can say you Adolf Hitler?


Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward.


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits... And not eggs


Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job? For Catcalling


Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”


My friend was changing a tire when the car dropped on his foot Now he needs a toe


Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.


What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.


I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?


What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight? Frost bite


Why was the roof lonely? It was shingle.


What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust.


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


"NSFW" Peter Paul took Peppermint Patty behind the Powerhouse and stuck his Butterfinger up her Cherry Bing. She let out a Snicker.Nine Mounds later she had a Baby Ruth.


How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum? Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.


Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos


Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online.


Just made a chicken salad... Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out


I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”


In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka... It’s Vodka with Orange Juice(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))


I didn’t really understand baseball in the past Just didn’t catch it back then


What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!


People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.


Do you know where Chuck Norris stands on White Nationalists? On their necks.


The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”


Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over? Apparently it was top-heavy


Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,


I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher. I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.


Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan


What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight? Exorcise


What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'.


Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.


Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting? My left foot he is!


My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!


Two professional limbo players walk into a bar. You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked.


Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... "Because they make the toys."


Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president


We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother So we let her live


Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages


My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.


I hate father in laws So I only date black girls


The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.


I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.


Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is.


You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though... ...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.


A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him. He remained unharmed.


A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?" To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!


When is a pig not pork. When you cook it with pine nuts, it’s a pork you pine.


Why is E the nicest letter? Because all the others are naughty.


"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?" "No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.""Why the two dogs?" "See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"


The U.S. is currently at 34 people / km2 while India is at 424 people / km2... ...but actually, the U.S.'s population is a lot denser.


Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!


Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.


Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!


To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?


BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays


The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?


What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'


Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon. One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.


A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass. Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”


My pet pig loves soccer. Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.


What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window? Curt and Rod


UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist


if you added the letters S and E to the X files it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol


Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats.


Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]


What's Robert Kraft's favorite wing flavor? Dry rub!


My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke. Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.They passed a sign that said:  Toronto LEFT.Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.


How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '


They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab.


What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance


I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song.


So here I am in the Internet Cafe... ... with the angriest, ugliest bastard I've ever seen reading every word I ty


Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!


Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it.


What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking.


Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price. I am literally beside myself


Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual.


What is the one thing common between my girlfriend and my favorite book? Both are works of fiction.


My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."


What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush


What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.


Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu


I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background". I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".


The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.


what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus


I'm going to the dentist to have a bad tooth removed today. Rip tooth.


How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket.


Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.


I didn’t really understand baseball in the past Just didn’t catch it back then


I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


My Dad has a box of crayons on him at all times I'm so proud that he's in the Marines


Why did the pig cross the road? Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op


How do you check if a webpage is HTML? Try it out on Internet Explorer


I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz


I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.


A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic..... ....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla.


I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.


why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee


A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers. He was fired for trying to take a byte.


Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing


It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas.


I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again.


My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan... But he does like Hernando.


Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE. Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.


Who is the leader of international public health? Yes.


5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy? **Dad** : Jesus Christ !! Who taught you all those bad words ?


Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes Whenever i cook for them.


α and β played a 1v1 basketball match β won, because it was Beta.


I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants He just replied "Si"


Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad.


I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up.


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child. The craigslist ad said the price included postage.


I used to love farting in lifts. Until I discovered saunas.


Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink.


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.


Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrr."


What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.


What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week." "Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"


[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop masturbating." Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?" Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."


I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...


What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out.


I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.


I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.


What do you call a man with an axe over his head? Sort of Damocles


One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit


What is an ambulance's favorite game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U


I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here.


Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.


(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..


A joke I made up 10yr ago on a road trip: What did the calendar say on its death bed My days are numbered


Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like."Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have," he says."Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel."


Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment


I apologized to my friend for making fun of his erectile dysfunction problem. I said, “I hope there are no hard feelings.”


What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe


Catholic school is like a game of chess. You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.


Two crabs wouldn’t share their food That’s shellfish.


What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook


Went on a date with a Zulu girl and we talked for hours We just clicked.


Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.


Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?" I said it was kind of a grey area


Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe.


The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.


During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles. I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years.


If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke


SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!


My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher. He just wasn't meating enough people..


My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again.


While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, "can I help you?"  I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?"  He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out."  I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"


Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!


A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”


I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work.


My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos. She had to stop after a problem with squatters


NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them! 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.  They said it would be like winning the Lottery!  To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.


An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream


In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?


If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless


Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool.


I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."


My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs


Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.


What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Alabama." "Anybody with you?" "Nope. I'm Alabama self."


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.


Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink.


I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator.


What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows? A Galleon of Milk


Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.


My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice.


I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure? The Sturgeon General


3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.


Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm Because you're annoying and wont shut up


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?


Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"? She probably gets royalties


Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa, Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.


My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to! Me: I know.Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.Me: I know.(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)


My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. - Eventually, he came around.


I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue.


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist... We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.


My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you.


Did you hear about the table made out of tires? It probably took a good year or two to make it


What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?? See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!


A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.


I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.


Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s? Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD


What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA


Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble But I've always taken it for granite.


NASA just announced discovery of oil on Mars Humans^* are finally going to Mars^* US Army


As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*


Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already.


I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews. I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended.  Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.


Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite


The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..


I had to choose between climbing or using a runged device... I chose the latter.


I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.


Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating.


Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.


Your first time is like a box of chocolates You finish so much faster them you thought


My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. "Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!""Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"


Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all.


If you were trying to seduce a squirrel You'd have to be pretty nuts


What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it? Oxygen


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.


Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.


How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.