Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7⃣ Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. "Took what?" You ask? You don't wanna know.


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet.


It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy.


I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together


I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant It's a real game changer...


What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy


What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad


Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords? So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age


The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner."Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar.


so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony


What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem? Disappointment


When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies." Now they are "dot commies."


[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it "The Oregon Trail".


What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy? A triglyce-ride


Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair. If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)


My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters Mark my words!!


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.


I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world.


Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.


I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore He said "Fine, suit yourself"


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock"


Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White


My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.


When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout.


How do you make a 4D printer? Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.


There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains there were too many cougars


99% of people can do simple math operations. I belong to the other 2%.


Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”


Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags.


Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian.


Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly. Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.


Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!


The Horny Crab Two men are talking:"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps."what do you mean" asks the other one."I can't get out of Michelle".


Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view


The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor.


Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.


How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor.


The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos. Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!


Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day. He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing. "Where's your appendix page?""Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.


You may have heard of No Nut November But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February


Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager.


My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.


Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds. This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?


I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set He told me there would be repercussions


I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive


What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!


What do you call a group of rabbits A nest What do you call a group of birdsA flockWhat do you call a group of Lions Dangerous


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls.


My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive.


"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it."


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs... The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”


A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen... Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.Him : Yeah, me too.


What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?? New York Jets


Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations? They can cube the number 2.


What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft Bromine!


I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes. Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic....Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.


Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”  The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”


A blind man walks into a bar And then a table... And then a wall...


When applying for a Palestinian passport.... In the section where it says "occupation" .. do you just put ISRAEL?


So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.


Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars. Then he discovered divorce.


Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?


It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready


Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time.


Why are all the dead sinners bald? Because they have hell toupee.


A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."


What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang


A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin


Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week fromMicrosoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.


What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.


I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food. Turned out it was the anty pasto.


People and bottles are very similar If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk


Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7⃣ Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. "Took what?" You ask? You don't wanna know.


When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker


Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.


My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital. He’s a proctologist.


What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus


After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.


Why some people didn't like Hollow Knight? The game was full of bugs.


I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them. I call it the "Dad Abase."


I inherited hypertension from my granny. She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.


I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”


Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls


Dating life If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.


Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee


I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab I've got no egrets


What do you call cold Mexican food? A Brrrr-rito.Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.


Why should you never listen to coins? It never makes any cents


Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.


What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements? A chemenist!


I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us


What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy? The ICU.Edited. (I see you)


I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over. They should have said it was a thermal scan!


The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not, Edges fans were called "Th Edge-ed Edgies"and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls.


What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body? Methmatics


What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t


TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist.


I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich


Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"


The creator of auto-correct died recently May he restraunt in peice


In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed


One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!


i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit i wasn't mad just disappointed.


Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived


How do physicists play Volleyball? In vacuum with perfect spheres.


Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong? Cause they live in Da Nile


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1.


The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!


I got a talking Dr. Oz doll! You press the button and it goes *Quack Quack Quack.*


The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.


What is the population of Brazil? I’d say about a Brazilian people or so


Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop? It’s just plain common scents.


My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain.


My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.


What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies


What do you call a fort made out of doors? Fort Knocks.


A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"The man says "To have sex"


A blonde walks into a library A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:Can I get a chicken salad?The librarian answers: sorry, this is a libraryThe blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?


The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.


What’s the last letter in the fascist alphabet ? I’m not so sure... all I know is it’s “not z”


Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight... So you can start 2021 on the right foot!


In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”


A man walks into a magic forest A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.  "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The  man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings” “He’s Sir Ching”


A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated.


How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal


Why did blonde had lipstick all over the steering wheel ? Because she was trying to blow the horn


What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner? A T-Rection


Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.


If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)


Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence


A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"


Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?


What do you call a lazy space explorer? A procrastronaut


A policeman said he wanted to search my car. "You won't find any drugs," I told him.He said, "You don't sound sure about that."I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."


What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks.


As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it.


Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China? The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping


A policeman arrives at the crime scene "Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?""Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.""How do you know that?""He told me as he was running off."


Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.


What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.


When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.


I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!


Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery? -Well, that was an eye opening experience.


Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.


How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ...


Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”


I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.


At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?  Crowd: YESSSSSS  Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!


Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community.


What do you call a voodoo live stream? Twitch-craft.


Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again


Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran It’s called Prints of Persia


I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.


Joe: I just got back from climbing Mt. Everest. Bob: Summit?Joe: Nope. Climbed all of it!


What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts


Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head.


I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!


Who's Irish... ... and stays outside all summer?   Patty O'Furniture.


Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter.


My least favorite food? Sausage, specifically from Germany.They're the wurst.


With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships' It's on paperview


My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.


A polar cub goes to its mom. \- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\- Yes, my darling.\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\- Yes, son.\- What about aunt Cindy?\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\- A... read more


What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!


Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck


I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers.


Why did the Tiger cross the road? To whip some Sooner ass.


My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.


What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it


What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!


I finally was selected to get the COVID vaccine but I had to work. I missed my shot!


A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene.


I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?" apparently it wears thin after a while


How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!


I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.


The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen. A man once insulted a cossack.Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.There was a flash of silver.Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed."Ha you missed!"The cossack gave an evil smile. "Wait until you try nodding."


An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat? Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.


I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt


My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry What did the Chimney say to his son?You are too young to smoke


My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself


In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash.


What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’


Why are 89 degree angles sad? Because they’re almost right, but not quite.


The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says, "I don't care, just give me something hoppy."


I remember when I went to Comic-Con... It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...


What did the ravioli play on his birthday? Pasta Parcel.


What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion


My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut.


A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...Because end of the day, communication is key.


So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest.


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.


My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What do you call a queue of cats at the bank? A feline


The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.


My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber It really helped me get my shit together.


Pillow My memory foam pillow has amnesia.


I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups. I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...


Why did Drake go back to High School? To pick up his girlfriend


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)


What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


"Why is there music coming out of your printer?" "That will be the paper jamming again!"


I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'


What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake


A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!  Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!  Condom: Hahaha...amateurs


I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."


What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe...


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"


What's the difference between friend and a buddy? A friend will bail you out of jail and tell you, you fucked up.A buddy will be sitting next to you in jail saying.We fucked up.


Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.


Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd.


I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed ... in a series of small fires.


Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.


So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex." She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.


As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy


I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past. It’s time to talk about my problematic future.


For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.


I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too.


During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..


Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x. Wish you were here.


A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do? He buys sickles


How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman? When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!p.sDon’t know where the how came from... sorry for it! Also, it’s my cake day!!!!


Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday.


My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.


My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.


Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.


Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick.


Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation.


I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died "Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!"


Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east? ... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.


So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day ...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."


I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


Different body parts rate each other The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”


My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me Pan.


My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.


What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh


I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest I lost the case


Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!


Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.


Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


New Years resolution Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution


What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? "I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"


What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.


Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”


What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA


What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean


I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber. I help you get your shit together.


My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.


What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers


Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Bob: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!" Wife: "Why do you say that?" Bob: "Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!" Wife: "You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!"


I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic Without all those tourists helping hold it up.


What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.


Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime.


What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing "nice... what’s the highest you've been?"I tried to kiss a goldfish.


Why did the dinosaurs die out. They got ereptile dysfunction.


There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!


What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center.


I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs But that’s where I draw the line


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


Religious CD (NSFW) My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.Then hell broke loose....


A policeman comes to work, all happy. "Guess what?" He says. His co-workers ask: "We don't know, what?" The policeman answers: "I bought a Lego set for 3+ years and managed to build it in a year!"(Was funnier in my language)


What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem.


The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice.... Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?


What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!


What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke.


I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations- What do angles fish for in heaven?Holy mackerels


What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.


I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.


What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it.


I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death... I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?


I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.


Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out? Because they took Pita on them


I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night.


My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood


How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines


On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt. How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me.


I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine.


A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms. The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".


I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.


I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor. I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?""No!" she gasped. I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down


There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried


To all those considering doing the "Kiki Challenge" please remember... You should never Drake and drive


Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!


I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”


I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire


As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree.. It's the infantree that's deadly!


What did the crab name his daughter? Ma-shell


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.


Why did the headless horseman start work earlier than everyone else? He wanted to get ahead.


A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.