What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!


Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard.


Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.


I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?


I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?" apparently it wears thin after a while


I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.


Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting...


Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!


My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.


Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts. In about a month, it will really be no Fair.


My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day... So i packed her things and left


What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.


What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry


A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"The man replies, " like a glove."


I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.


What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand.


What kind of cells get drafted for war? Diploid


I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam. I mean, it was a dead giveaway.


What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"


It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.


"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday."


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel


I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one


I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows? A Galleon of Milk


When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...


Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency? Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."


When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard.


What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe? He was unable to make a connection to the server


I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now.


Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired."Nothing at all, boss. I just  finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed."How long did it take you?""Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night... that he had 3 movements.


I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives. It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef


A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?" The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"


Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?


What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada


What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given.


Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.


I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels She said "Sure, what volume ?"


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”


Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach " Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes" Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".


I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all


pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!


Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi...


What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!


Recently a teacher got arrested... Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.


I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard.


People in Iran are scared of spiders But in Iraq, no phobia.


How the fight started For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.   I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started.


2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”


What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!


Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex.


Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids? It was a Tyrannosaurass.


For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly? From right off the bat.


A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey!  I was going to eat that,  now it's going to taste like cucumber!


Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...


Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed.


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says "I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."


I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.


2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus.


In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"


[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it "The Oregon Trail".


Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"... O B C D...


I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show But a Goodman is hard to find


A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.


When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? There are more geese on that side.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands... but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.


Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty.


Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any naked photos of your wife?" The man angrily says "certainly not". Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"


She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?


Two men were chatting in a bar "So what do you do?""I write""Oh, poetry or prose?""Neither, I write cartoons""Why's that?""No rhyme or reason"


What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke


Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls


You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked


I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"


My parents have the awesome super power of jumping..... to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about.


What do you call an albino white supremacist? An asshole.


Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong.


i showed my mom my D and she was not happy she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+


Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest


On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.


A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.


Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too


My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics. I drew my own conclusions.


When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?


The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth. Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.


Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons


My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis." I replied, "That's 15 love."


I'm not a big fan of shower sex. The drain hurts my penis.


I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.


Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent.


My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won.


Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.


Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.


Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle.


There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.


A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”


My home state of Nevada is ranked #50 in education Not the best but at least we're in the top 3


Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones


My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best. He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!


Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.  It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!


I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind.


The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.


What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.What do you call a regular looking potato?A commentator.There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?The one that says Idaho on it.


I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.


I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.


When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it


my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came.


A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer."Name?" the officer asked."Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered."Nationality?""Russian.""Occupation?""No, no, just visiting."


TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance" So I said, "You're an ambulance."


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why don't restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It's pasta bedtime.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What did the cow do when it ate a fish? It chewed the cod


[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing


What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'


I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked.


I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)


My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."


I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.


A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"


Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked.


What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K.


Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”


Hey, I have a good joke Robinhood wants to file for IPO this year.


Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


Mr. Potato Head will now be known as Mr. Potatx


A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"


One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors


2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May.


Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories


Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms.


The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.


For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ... ... Instead everyone else did.


What do printers eat on their toast? Paper jam.


Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!


My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan


My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start....


Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls


A man walks into an lift (elevator) He looks at the attractive woman inside and says, "Can I smell your vagina?"Horrified, she moves away from him,"No, you can not!""Oh ok, it must be your feet then"


It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing.


I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.


Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.


"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)


I met my wife at the zoo. The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.


What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger? One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.


What did the greengrocer say when he sold his last onion? "Thats shallot!"


I went to the zoo and I saw the monkeys masturbating. I then saw the giraffes and I was still masturbating.


Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!


Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9.


What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out


Didja hear about the two fat chicks flouting social distancing rules while going for a walk? They just wanted to flatten their curves.


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


"A 45 minute nap should set me straight " 8 hours later : wakes up as a gay


The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising. What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


What do Nazi's and baseballs have in common? Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.


Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.


How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.


What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers.


What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender


Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut.


A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar When the bartender asks him why it’s there, the pirate replies, “Aargh, I don’t know, but it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”


Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online.


What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.


A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.


Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.


Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.


My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute


"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.." ".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."


I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym


What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician


Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.


Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....


My friend likes to make off-color jokes about environmental disasters, like the Exxon Valdez and the Deepwater Horizon accidents. He's so crude.


How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!


I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19! It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.


I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television. They tried to push down my boner instead.


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


The special kid was late to class today He cried after the teacher called him tardy


What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.


What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College


My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.


When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.


Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach.


Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake


What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s


Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath.


I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.


A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle. I don't know why, I told him I was only borrowing it for 5 minutes.


A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"


I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.


On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go


They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day


Did you guys hear about the fatal accident at the cheese factory? A photographer was photographing a group of tourists when a huge wheel of cheese fatally ran overhim.To be fair the entire group was yelling out CHEESE!!!


My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish. He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.


In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true.


Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow… I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow.


Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase.


The golfer rewarded himself with new pants.. .. after he got a hole in one.


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost


Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house...


Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!


I have a James Bond bank account It reads as follows, 0.07


I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!


I call my toilet the oval office.. It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad.


Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.


My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said. I think he's in for a shock.


My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but... I know it ain’t sheep.


Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.


What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!


I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."


Why was the clam limping on Monday morning? Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.


I just released a new fragrance Nobody in the car seemed to like it


Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: "Is there a dog?"


Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner


If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist.


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”? Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.


Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1? Because their master is a rat.


A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke.


I wanted to tell a geography joke... ...but you had to be there to understand.


Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster.


Two drunk men walk on a railway The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!


Saw a really nice steam train today. I was chuffed.


A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’


Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”


Why are Australians such confident baseball players? They’re always being told “good eye”Yes I realize this is stupid :)


A monkey, chimp, gorilla and King Kong tries to take bananas from a coconut tree. Who will get it? Neither! Coconut trees don't grow bananas!


I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)


Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression


With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car.


If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.


Why do Irish love powers of 2? They love Dublin


My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone


Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies.


The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh". The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-..."Chef! Are you sure?"


What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies


My friend and I have started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It’s a small scale operation.


I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger


One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'.


What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7


My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough.


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest


Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked. "Ever since my husband found a strangepair under the bed."


How does a snail commit suicide? He looks into the socket.


What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments? A Saxquatch


I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it.


I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What happened to the couple who didn't pay their exorcist? Their house got repossessed.


What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!