A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas


Introducing digital “crypto” humor. There is no set up. There’s no joke, and there is no punchline. You have to just trust that it’s funny.


Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'"


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving.


What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*


Abortion is now illegal So... I guess I’m an antivax parent


What's the favorite drink of judges? Guil tea.


The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one...


I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce


What is the difference between Reddit and children's television? Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.


Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant.


Women are the foundation of our society But men are the ones who laid the foundation


I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."


My toy helicopters are really popular They’re flying off the shelves


The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet... ...he finished it.


What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t


A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there". "And over there. And up there. And back there."


Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore” Im just mental now.


What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.


Cigarettes are like squirrels. Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.


My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!


Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.


Howdy this is Elvis and I have a joke for you fine people today. How come my hair has turned grey? Because I never dyed.


(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."


Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters.


A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.


I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad.


My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless.


What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho.


What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.


I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class.


What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music


Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL


What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat My-grain


What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor


Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath? He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...


i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: "what's school safety?"


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120.


Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery.


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys... His brother prefers to keep things low-key


How do you address the queen of cows? Your moojesty.


I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand


I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer But at least I went chubby dipping


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,"Jesus died for your scenes."


Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box." The box :"Meow."


There's a fine line... Between fishing, and standing by the shore looking like an idiot.


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


What did the alpaca say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."


Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air.


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable.


What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters? Counter productive.


By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly "A man who lays with another man should be stoned"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok. I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.


My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.


My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction.


Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family


It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself.


I'm a bipolar Star Trek fan. I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.


What do you call a lazy space explorer? A procrastronaut


I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger... ...then it hit me.


What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’.


What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? "I know what I saw."


As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit.


What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.


Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.


What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.


Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.


What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier


I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.


Axe should make a deodorant called "English." Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."


What do you call the ejaculate of a Russian Space-man? Cosmonut


My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock. Apparently, I fucked the shut up.


Mediterranean food doesn't agree with me.. I think it's too Greecey


What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet? The answer might shock you...


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost? Boooooooobs!You’re welcome. Happy Halloween everybody!


A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery." She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"  He replies: "Take it all, go away."


What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese


What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.


Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering She wasn't Aladdin.


When a man has money to burn... ...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.


I realized why so many more men are astronauts. It's because we get our training when we pee.* We're working within a narrow margin.* A modest overshot means an unsatisfactory splashdown.* If we screw up, our own satisfaction be damned, we're pissing off more than ourselves.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid. I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.


Why did the priest dig a rabbit hole for the rooster? So he can stick his cock in before the first hare


What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know


What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s


Top Tip Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.


The worst possible pet you can have is an atom They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.


The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!" "You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


My wife and I share a sense of humour... Coz we have to...She doesn’t have one.


Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?""Vell, only if you insist " he replied.


Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!


Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk


My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning. "*Bad* Mitten!"


What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction.


My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid? Rename it uterus.


Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage


The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.


I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.


I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.


HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.  He replied, “I stand corrected.”


I heard the Mint stopped making coins... It just doesn’t make cents


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ? An algaebra.Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator.


Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces. The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest.


Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: "Is there a dog?"


So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan But the moment i checked the map I ran.


I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar.


What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad.


What is Tesla’s new fragrance called? Elon Musk


When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout.


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


Gary is driving home from work and stops at a red light. At the crossing he sees his mate painted head to toe in green paint carrying a woman on his back. 'Hey Dave, what are you up to''Alright, Gary? Just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as a tortoise''So who's that on your back?''That's just Michelle'


Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?" I am not ricist, I said.


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


A time traveler meets a teacher “Can I ask you what month it it?”“May.”“Fine. *May* I ask you what month it is?”


A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”


The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins? The audience


Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime.


China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden."FOR BIDEN CITY!"


Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake.


One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious


What do you call the knight who is also a butcher? Sir Loin


What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping? Fake snooze


I once dumped a cross-eyed chick. Thought she was seeing someone else.


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


The way I combed my hair in 7th grade is the worst part.


Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments? In his lab


I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase... So I can unzip those genes.


For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand. I appreciate the sediment, but...


Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold.


What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War? World War Won


Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house...


I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.


I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe... It's called ThanOS


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said "Do you know why I pulled you over?"I said, "No officer - I thought for sure you'd know."LPT - Don't do this.


I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."


The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common? They've both made a lot of money from Superstition


What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud? One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.


You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for president.


Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho


In Blackjack, why do they call "17" the mother in law? Why?'Cause sometimes u wanna hit it but u can't-kevin hart-


A village idiot walks into a library He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."The librarian says, "Sure, hon.  Which one?"The idiot says, "William".


An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said "Ah well , you know. I can't complain".


I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words." And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."


What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!


Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid.


What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas


I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein "But your name is Brian", he said."Yeah, I know - and I was named *after* Albert Einstein", you little prick.


I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending


Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork


It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city. They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.


Why do babies want to use the internet? So they can Google Gaga.


What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.


They say that going to school is important but becoming a instagram model is importanter!


I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat


What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs.


Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.


An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar.. They couldnt fit in


My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"I replied, "Single-handedly."


What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood? Not a dam thing.


I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll.


A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"


Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.


why summer didn't have any friends because she wasn't cool enough


What did the stoner say to his girlfriend? "I love you more than leaf itself."


If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?


My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week. He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.


my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa


A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"


Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)


What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all "blinded by the light"


What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair


Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry.


After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana.


What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample


If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth.


Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity


So Sandscript, Comic Sans, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. They order a drink and the bartender says, “Hey you, get out of here! We don’t serve your type!”


Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue? The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.


Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.


Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions


Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.


My wife said, "You weren't even listening, were you?" And I thought, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."


Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.


Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.


People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic."


What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!


What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one.


I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes....she gave me a hug.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable.


It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom. Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.De Niro asked him, "You talking, Tommy?"


A German visits Poland. A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.


Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.


What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon.


I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for "pamphlet." "Ya bro sure!"


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra.


I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation. You might say I’m generous to a fault.


Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character" Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."


I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian.


I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.


If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music? Crap.


As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging.


What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7


So I got out of the bathroom. Spoke to a friend saying " I can't believe thier still together after that shit."My friend said "Who"And I responded "My ass cheeks"


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced


“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?” “A hop-eration”Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!


Thank you weight loss surgeons What you do takes guts.


Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion#3. Japan: 173.3 million#4. Australia: 48 as of last census


PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment"just read what you have"ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U


Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.


Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic. They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.


I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel? Goose.


What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille.


Guess who’s getting some head tonight My pillow


[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?" Salesman: "Car no do that.  Car go road."


TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.


Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.


A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant. He immediately replies, "What? You're kidding!"To which she replies back, "Yeah, that's what I said."


Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines


Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box. I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore


I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program.


Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!


What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...


What did the policeman say to his stomach? You’re under a vest.


My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales. Buy one, get another one free.


If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)


I had to throw out all of my danish currency I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus


It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"


What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.


A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”


My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills.... I hope he gets Well soon!


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said "Do you know why I pulled you over?"I said, "No officer - I thought for sure you'd know."LPT - Don't do this.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.


Friend: "Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?" Me: "Brochure"


How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.


A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot.


Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week


I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"


For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed.


Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job


Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!


My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10


How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!


One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.