How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What is the difference between a Policeman's baton and a magician's wand? One is for cunning stunts and the other is for stunning...........


What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!


I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................


Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!


My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_


Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave Her company is just ruthless


What do you call it when a bunch of ghosts slime the same person? Boo-kkake!!!


The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon. He's a Primeate


Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award


I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.


How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)


My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.


During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns" The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"Real story.


Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive


Found my spirit animal It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.I'll see myself out now.


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?""How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!""Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".


My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices


How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal.


During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."


A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”


Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."


One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw


What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad


I recently got ran over by a steam roller people said i should be offended, but i was flattered.


What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it.


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts I call it premature evacuation.


Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back


What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC.


Who did the wizard marry? His ghoul-friend


I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.


I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.


Why were Loki's powers centered around creating illusions? It allows him to be low-key with his mischiefs.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"He said "It's my carri-on luggage"*sorry sorry sorry*


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully.


Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant? Well color me surprised!


(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea What if x has feelings?Examples:Toy Story: What if toys have feelingsCars: What if cars have feelingsInside Out: What if feelings have feelingsSoul: What if black people have feelings?


What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar? You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.


Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.


Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat.


What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.


I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”


Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf. He looked devastated. I told him, "Don't worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up".


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies.


Never buy anything made from velcro, it's a total rip-off.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is...


Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”


What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys


I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.


I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.


Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.


What do wizzards eat at the beach? A sandwitch


Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.


an occupation of a kid Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...  Father: a waiter?


Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!


A kangaroo walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a Fosters with a frosty mug." The kangaroo says, "No, just give me something hoppy."


I used to be a mass murderer... But then I got a vasectomy.


My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag


My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices


Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge.


“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled “There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in


When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


Sign in a pawn shop window "We value your presents."


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding


When does a joke become a dad joke  When it becomes apparent.


A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it."Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said."Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked."Yes, I have it under CTRL."


I went to Dicks Sporting Goods and bought a heavy bad and 14oz gloves. The checkout clerk asked me, "Do you wanna box for those?" ... Why does it always have to be a fight with you people? Can't I just pay for them and go home?


I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5


What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent.


What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class? The Alpha Bet.


Why are Scots the toughest guys in the world? They wear kilts in a country where thistles grow waist-high.


How do trees get on the internet They log on


Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable


Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion?  He was moist-jew-rising.


The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


How do you organize an outer space party? You planet


Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins.


I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?


A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims Supplies!


I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit.


My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.” I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”Seriously, Fuck Him.


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?""Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."


You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked


- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many


Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles... In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."


I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!


My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion... Because he must be ashy...


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting


What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm? The CIEIO.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night.


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires.


My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.


Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg It's the Gregorian calendar.


My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography.


I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar.


I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks


I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it


A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”


What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass.


I put on a pretty expensive perfume and went into an Apple Store Everyone enjoyed; it is good they don't have any Windows.


What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.


All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins.


Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”... ...he was an actor.


What do you do with an Elephant that has three balls? You walk him and pitch to the Kangaroo


What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.


There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.


I was an accountant I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason. What a waste of 15 years.


What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays? Unemployed


Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.


A friend and I went to a chiropractor exam and we had to unscramble the letters PEINS He wrote SPINE, he's a chiropractor now and I spend all my time on reddit.


Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time.


I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day, I bailed.


My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.


Did you hear about the Binary War? It was a disaster. No One survived.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.


Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.


What do guns and corona virus have in common They were both created in China now every American has one


An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."


“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”


You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®


The easiest time to add insult to injury Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.


It's such a shame when people break up over the phone. They should try hanging up and trying again.


Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.


Why couldn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out


Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!


"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?" "It's Amy, Mario."


I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise.


What’s the difference between me and a mosquito? I don’t stop sucking when you slap me.


What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?


Playing the drums might hurt your arms... ...but playing the accordion could really harm a knee.


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.


Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”


Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens." A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"


She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest. "$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."His eyes glow bright: "Anything?""Anything." She whispers into his ears.Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"


What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers


What do you call a horny square? Erectangle


My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween.


Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one.


Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer? A: Because it didn't like its toner voice.


A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'


"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Nobel." "Nobel who?" "Nobel, so I knock knocked."


What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.


If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community That would be a reservation reservation reservation.


Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her."Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?""Get out of here. I'm pooping!"


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


What is Elon Musk's favorite country? Mad-at-gas-car


What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad


What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K


There was a Motorcycle crash in my street I shouted “let me through “ are you a doctor they asked I said “ no it’s my Pizza”


Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.


American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."


My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'


What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.


Warnings about motorcycles Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.I don't get it.I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.


If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.


What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!


Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps? All they did was meth up.


What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob


What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*


Whats an athlete’s favorite country? Iran


People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.


Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


Last week I fucked my sister in law This week I fucked my brother in geography


Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem.


I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris It turns out that idea was taken


My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve.


Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '


I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read: Roses are red, Violets are blueI’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.


What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet


What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common? If you've ever finished one properly, you already know.


I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.


One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors


Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)


An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight


My partner and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.


Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage


A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away.


A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband


There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first? the one with the smallest *mu*.....**Preemptive explanation:**Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the... read more


Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about. But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.


Dark humour is like food Not everyone gets it.


My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.


I’m financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday


Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.


What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price


As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.


How do you throw a party in Nigeria? You stick a piece of bread to the ceiling


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy.


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I'm after you now.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.    Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician


What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf.


How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!


I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.


"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches" Where?"1 o'clock"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!


Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."


What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas? Half of everything.


What does quartz get tired of? Being taken for granite.


My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow. That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.


Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run


(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it.


After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney. I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.


Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


How do tectonic plates greet each other? They shake lands


What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south? a bi-polar bear.


April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”


(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis? Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.


I’m giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.


Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.


So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".


An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."


Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!


What happens when a dragon gets bored of strip steaks? Flaming Yawn


I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too.


How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side


Why can't the internet dance? Because it has an Al Gore Rhythm.


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel.


I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.


How do you throw a party in Nigeria? You stick a piece of bread to the ceiling


Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos


I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!! But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.


Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.


I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas. It was an artychoke.


Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery? Because he was dead.


Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned


A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry."I will not take this sitting down!"


I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste. Turns out I'm just a shitty cook.


My mom had colon cancer now she has a semi-colon.She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.


After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success


I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound. Then I came to my senses.


Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion


Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.


I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.


(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.


Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait...


My son screeched, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!? What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What looks like half an apple? The other half.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!


A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.


Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa, So i Madagascar.


What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common? They both came in a little behind


Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard? Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".


What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.


Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel


So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day ...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."


Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply


Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".


A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..." "Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"


The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat.


I met the world's riches fisherman today "What's your net worth?" I asked."This one was about £10" he replied.


What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh.


We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting. The old one couldn't handle the fax.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off


As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift... My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries. Merry Christmas!


A guy asks his grandmother... "Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber.


A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties.


My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.


Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.


I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.


Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it.


I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"