How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking.


When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for... ...they must have a really quiet penis.


After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer." The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."


I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it.


I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.


How can you tell a snowman from a snow woman? Snow balls.Yes. This is an old one. It's probably appeared here a million times. But it will be new to someone.


Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number.


My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.


Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)


What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable Barackoli


My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.


I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said. "Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"


They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!


What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle


Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind? Thought knot.


What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*.


Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache


“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks. “Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”


Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down? Nothing was left but Kohl’s.


My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics But it's still shit


Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin.


What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon...


How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10." If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.


My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me. "I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."


What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.


What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.


What did the flower prostitute say to her client? ¨You want floral?¨


Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members? They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.They're called ABBA Trois


My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.


What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!


Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet.


What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak


You know what makes sense? Perfume factories.


A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."


How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.


Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case.


Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.


My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in.


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry.


All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...


What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups? A blunderbuss


She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels


How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints


Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle.


What does the pope put on his pancakes? Papal syrup.


WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs … as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.


My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea


A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up. 'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'


What does a train conductor do when he’s angry? He blows off some steam


Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit.


What do you call a doubtful side-chick? A second thot.


What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise.


What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China? A rice Paddy!


Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass! The rest is your mama


Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night


What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost


A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated.


Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled


I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine


Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks.


Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....


My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics. I drew my own conclusions.


Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a fan? Disaster.Dis-assed-her.Copyright Chris Farley.


How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.


what's the best thing about the make-a-wish foundation? they can really work to a deadline.


There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!" Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."


I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.


I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle" They're just trying to be edgy.


An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said "Ah well , you know. I can't complain".


Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers.


All these jokes about Alabama but no one acknowledges their contributions, like inventing the toothbrush At least I think it was Alabama.  Anywhere else they’d have called it a teethbrush.


My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried.


A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”


The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!


This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet... AcronymBasedComedyDoesn't EverFeel GoodHonestly,IJustKeepLamentingMyNegativeOpinion,PerhapsQuestioningRealityServesThe U... read more


Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. That's my stepladder, he said. I never knew my real ladder.


Where do college vampires like to shop? Forever


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*


I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.


What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.


How long is a Chinese name That wasn’t a question


So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.


My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much


I got told off for masturbating at the gun range. We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.


You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out? That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today


I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino


My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... "Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."


We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin


If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy


A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?" The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"


Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !


Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.


If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?


If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.


What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe


How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch.


Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves.


If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...Right???


My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”“What are you talking about?” she asked.I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”


I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown, I thought "recognition at last"


What was the budget for The Room? Cheap, cheap, cheap!


A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everybody around.   (Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.


What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate? The Karate Kid


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood


What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control? An edgelord


Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”


During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..


I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...


Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?


After a snail was beaten up by two turtles, its friends were looking forrevenge, so they wanted to know,"Did you get a good look at the turtleswho did this to you?""No," the snail answered, "it allhappened so fast."


I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."


I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down [remooooooved]


Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown


It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now.


What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.


I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents


How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day


I bought a pair of running shoes the other day Let me know if you've seen em.


An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist... An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.Doc: I apologize for your wait. Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.


Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching.


A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says "That was quick!""You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man."Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers "no money."


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!


I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.


The only reason I went to Wimbledon was because I heard it was a women's singles event.


Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.


How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan... They're calling it "Milk"


You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany.


If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? "Bravo 6 going bark"


A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?" The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"


They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!


Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd.


What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius? - Lets dense !


A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence "The marbles fell out of my pocket."Vs"The marbles fell out of my colon."


I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”


The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class. She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"


There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them.


Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize For real


A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married.


When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave. He was decomposing.


I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American. Something about five customers being better than one.


What do you call an upvote that changes colors ? A karma chameleon


What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!


Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males


What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out


What does a prostitute tell her customers? How big is your love?


What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.


For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.


So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.


My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!


I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television. They tried to push down my boner instead.


A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500.


I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.


What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside? Coconuts


As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat... So I filed for divorce!


How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints


Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon Now that's a high coo!


What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard? A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.


30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.


Have you ever seen a wrestling match? Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Yesterday I saw... Went to the drugstore to purchase some asprin.    I saw a short irishman and he had a giant steering wheel in his pants.    I said, "What the hell is that a steering wheel?"  He said, "Ooooooweee and its driving me nuts."


An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"


I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.


-Mom, is God black or white? \-Both, mother answers\-Is he male of female?\-Both\-Mom, is Michael Jackson God?


Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ... and i still got thrown off the bus


I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents


Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock? It destroyed the Governor's mansion.


What do you call a Trans potato? A French fry


My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.


Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex A dinosnore


What do you call a satisfied video editor? Content creator.


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


I've got a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too, but underwater is one of my favorites.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Breast reduction surgery clinic motto: When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not "z".


Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”


My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020.


The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor. It had a terrible year-ache.


A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock.


What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.The other is the shaming of the true.


I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them.


Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have .


What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner? A T-Rection


Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke * A dog walks into a bakery* Baker: How can I help you?* Dog: Woof!* Baker: Anything else?* Dog: Bark!* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?* Dog: No.


Why was the leper baseball match cancelled? People started throwing hands


I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.


How do you get two flutes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them. How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.


When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!


NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line. A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"


I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.


A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”


Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire... Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.


Why did the non-binary prospectors head west? Because there was gold in them/their hills.


When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her? an American hospital


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions? Because it was ground breaking.


What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident? a wrecked angle(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)


Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!


What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck? Charlize Heron


A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter" *He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."


Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.


Don't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!


What's the friendlist element out there? Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!


A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... "everybody has only one minute to get out of here..."Tortoise: Fuck :-/


Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy... Plumber's crack is nasty


What Dandruff Shampoo Does Guy Fieri Use? Frosted Flakes. Thought of this on the ride home and I am still laughing. Sorry for the bad joke, I needed to share.


So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say "You're the team of the crop"


All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.


What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.


It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.


Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink...


Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.


I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree? A meateorologist


At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?


What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep


An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"


What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute "Range Rover" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


Teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool." Johnny: "So, what are the words?"


What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her.


My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts. "Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it." She screamed.So, I bought her a candle.


BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals


My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking.


It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.


You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.


"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny." *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*"I came straight home, of course!"*That's my good boy.*"Mom?"*Yes, my son?*"May I please have a penny?"


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.


I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!


My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable. I'd steak my reputation on that.


Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.


You know the story of the ugly duckling? Pretty fowl story


Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK...


My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.


Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front.


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.


In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject? In prison


About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard He went downhill fast after that.


Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long


A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.


How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms.


I went to a drug den dressed as HIV. Nobody fucked with me.


How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was.


A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates.


I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution.


Kid : " What are condoms used for?" Dad : " To avoid such questions. "


I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging.


TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit.


What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy? A triglyce-ride


When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads


America is the only place in the world where you can drive up to a fuel station and buy a liquid called "gas." That's funny to me.


Mediterranean food doesn't agree with me.. I think it's too Greecey


I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee.


What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j


What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”


Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional. But it never works properly and you can't fire it.


I always ask a funny question on first dates. "Are you a serial killer? " Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.


What does George W Bush call his kitty cats? Weapons of mice destruction


Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.


I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents


I used to be a man locked in a woman's body... but then I got born.


How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.


Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.


A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter" *He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."


As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"


How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun.


Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It's feeling crummy.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women? She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.