There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"


I just bought a half-price cloak of invisibility. The seller wanted to charge me full price.I got it for refraction.


People and bottles are very similar If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk


Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?" Bobert: "No."


When people talk about the "average citizen" I always get confused. Is that normal?


Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside.


How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board


I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior. I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"


When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant


A patient went to the doctor for an operation. Patient : Will I be fine after that? This is my first operation that's why I am afraid.Doctor : Don't worry. This is my first operation too.


Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories


I just got a dog who likes to play soccer and roll on the ground I decided to call him "neybark"


Why does the tooth hate minorities? Because it is bracist


Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."


A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”


My calendar has all the dates rubbed off. Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.


If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal The Lyin’ King


If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon


What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama? Relative Humidity


Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property


I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents.


I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.


French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.


Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.


This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.


I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”


"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my God!  How many is a Brazilian?"


I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus.


My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal.


My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


What happens when you drop a coin in water? It becomes a sunk cost.


Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics


Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.


What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.


I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”


Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!


Why was the squirrel genocidal? It was a Nutzi


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<


What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon.


What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today. Turns out I had been cordially invited.


Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.


Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank.


Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar? A: She said its days were numbered.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?


When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company


On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge


After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because black eyes matter.


I fell in love with a female electrician She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me


What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!


They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.


I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field." Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"


How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic


What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up.


I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings.


TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA


What's the most annoying kind of potato? An agitator


Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, "The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"


What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush.


A judge is hearing a murder trial. Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep. After hearing the case, the judge decides.Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.


I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me.


BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays


I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.


A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.


I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?' He replied: 'It's pure bread.'


What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not.


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse


Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!


In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion So long as the government agrees with it.


How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing? He has a peekatyouuuuSource:Am dad.


I have therapy for my obsession with junk food. I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch.""Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"


What do you call the argument between two vegans? A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]


What's the favorite drink of judges? Guil tea.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!


I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.


Why did the Mallard fail as a comic? His humor was too fowl.


Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop? They had more money than scents.


Your momma is like a KFC meal Once I am done with her breasts and thighs all I am left with is a greasy box to put my bone in.


A guy goes into a grocery store. He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper: "What are those?" "Those are potatoes""Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes."What are those?""Tho... read more


I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said: "Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."


US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.


Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave? Plot twist!


My best friend is a chicken I don't really wanna be friends with him but he sure does know a lot of chicks


How do you keep a blind kid entertained? You give them a sheet of sand paper and tell them that it’s a find-a-word.


Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7.


Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team. Props to him


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day


What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.


Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."


I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three.


Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.


For her birthday, my wife asked for "something with diamonds". I gave her a pack of playing cards.She's my ex-wife now.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English.


Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new.


I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed.


A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment.


I’d make a joke about Article 13, but... *This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*


A simple joke for Starwars fans Where do Sith lords go shopping?The Darth Maul


My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*


Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more


a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell the bartender says why the long paws


How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette


I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius.


What's a fisherman's favorite video game? COD


My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself


What do you call a horny policeman? A jack officer


Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. "How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks."Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.


When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors.


A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says "I get off at 6."The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."


A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”


Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ... ... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.


How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!


How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?


This is how the first tire was invented. A guy had 365 used condoms.  So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear.


This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away


How do you cover 10 holes with one hole? Take a flute and shove it up your ass.


I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case


What did the biology teacher tell the frog? Looks aren't everything, it's what inside you that really matters.


At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions. I even got a pee HD.


Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, "Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"


What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong


What do sharks and people have in common? All the great ones are white.


I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.


Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal! Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?Paul: It is half past 9.


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny


How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake? A latke!  (I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)


I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads. I call it "Uneasy Rider".


A Colt 1911 and a Glock walks into a bar... The 1911 says to the Glock: "Hey, ugly foreigner, want to do a drinking contest?"The Glock says "You old idiot, you can only last 8 rounds!"From a friend of mine who's a gun enthusiast.


I turned over a brand new leaf today... the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.


If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized He would have built the wall using his own money.


Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars? Me: well of course I know him, he is me


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady. Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?Don’t look down.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


Found a Chinese history book in the library... It reads "In 1989 ***Nothing Happened***".


One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal.


I heard there’s gonna be a new compilation CD celebrating Bill Withers’ career It’s going to be titled No Longer Withers


A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."The helium doesn't react.


Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are. It's a handsomeware attack.


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.


I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on.


What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation


What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut you goddamn racist. What else would you call him?


What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. (Norm McDonald)Dumb, but I laughed


It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."


Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.


Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice


Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus


A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."I said: “Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?


Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again


I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way


A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!


What do you call a snowman without a carrot? Nobody nose.


My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.


What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache


I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry.  I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.I died from dissin' Terry.


Microsoft has released Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. What happened to Windows 9 ? Seven ate nine.


I was a turtle in my past life... It's slowly coming back to me.


A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff… Baa dum ssss


Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see


Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!


LGBTQ+ lives are like objects that have mass and occupy space they matter


My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts" He said I am "A major ass set to the company"


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?


What do Paul Walker and George of The Jungle have in common? They both should've watched out for that tree.


I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct. Turns out it was a piece of cake.


It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?


What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear.


I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow.


Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed! Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.


A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere.


A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros.


Garden shears will never be outdated. After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.


What do you call a horny policeman? A jack officer


If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? "Bravo 6 going bark"


What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time? A shartcut


Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax


If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious.


Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"


Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !


Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes. \*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*


How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan.


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I said, "No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine."


A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah. But today is the last day...”


As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself "I really need to shave my ass"


What did the rising sun say to the morning dew? You will be mist.


What do you call a marriage between two violins? A homo-sectional marriage.


Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy.


What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?


When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!


What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination.


Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?... It's a "Cycle-Path"


In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."


Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs. Me: What one did he say is blacker?


Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me.


What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.


My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her.


A young woman is speeding down a country road going 90MPH and she gets pulled over by a police officer. "Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day" he says.She replies, "I know I came as fast as I could officer! "


A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”.


Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers After all, we are *homie sapiens*


The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones.


Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them.


An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"


A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:"Name?""Hans Kleiner""Age?""31""Occupation?""No no, just visiting"


A man with the 'Rona disease A man with the 'Rona disease  Threw caution and care to the breeze  No mask with his kin  He did them all in  With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.


I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television. I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.


Celiac disease was discovered first in France They know that bread is pain


What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass.


I took the road less travelled by But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost


A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*


How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty.


Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE


What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer.


What language do Asian Karen's speak? Demandarin.


My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won.


Why don’t pirates do very well in school? They’re only used to high C’s


Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.


How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.


"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder... ...why did he wait so long?


So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine? Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day.


Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food? Because that would be a McSteak.


She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him


How many Russians can you fit in a lift? As many as you can Put-In.


Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park


Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?" Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"


Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare But I think it's much ado about nothing.


I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris It turns out that idea was taken


Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.


As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything.


No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say... “I play a little guitar!"


How do you milk a Dragon? By making 3 movies and a couple TV series about it.


A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month! It left a negative impression.


Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself


Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus... They’ve gone into full loch down.


Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down? Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed. Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one.


Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette


Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows.


I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects.  This thing is completely safe.In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!


How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.


What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)


A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500.


I thought about posting a joke about salt but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.


Roses are red, Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red,              fu\*k my garden's on fire


SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green


You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves. We were burning the Midnight Oil.


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire


Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels In other words - he pulled out


We have ghosts in house \- "I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too."\- "Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again."


I'm tired of people asking what my sign is. Stop okay?I like octagons.


Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.


I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did


What do priests and cabbage perfumes have in common? Lettuce spray


My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that.


To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.


A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it.


What's a pickle's favorite game show? Let's Make A Dill


"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.


My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves


what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket


BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays


What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves.


Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip  I was heels over head!


Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000


Johnny Depp gets so immersed in his characters that I can never tell if its him or not... I guess i have really bad Depp perception


The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king" From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead"


What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling? China.


Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara.


My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-


What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.


What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East? Gaza Strippers


Girl are you gorilla glue? Cause I can’t get you outta my head


So I went to Iraq for holidays... And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...  Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.  So I called the suicide hotline...  They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.


What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...The first and last letters are a mile apart


What does a therapist feed a cannibal? Piece of mind


What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called? PaPa


What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA


Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome


Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle.


I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."But the steaks were too high.


What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell


Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon.


I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?


Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.


Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback.


Why is "R" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C.


What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued... "Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."


A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, "you got any ID?"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."


If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.


I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun.


Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath


It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?"


First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week? John: My mom is out of town.


There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"


The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one...


I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'. Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.


HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning.


My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life.


Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”


It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum.


Boss: "Remember, there's no "I" in team." Me: "Yeah!! and there's no "F" in point."


There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!" Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."


This furniture store keeps calling me… all I wanted was one nightstand.


Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose


Why don’t the animals in the zoo like to play games with the leopard? They all think he’s a cheetah.


Why was the Lemon sent to detention after school. It was always tarty.


Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.


4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies.


Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.


A russian bear, a chinese bear and an american bear walk into a bar... ...They kill the bartender.  I mean what else would a bear do?


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens. In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising. After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand. After contemplating in silence for a time, the Buddhist looks up to the vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”


A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “


Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.


What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit


What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav


I used to be a XXX movie editor but got fired. My boss walked by my desk one day and I wasn't watching porn on my computer.


What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets? semi-prose


My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error.


What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans


I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too.


Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.


A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay". I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".


What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!


Modern China's history isn't about what has happened It's about what hasn't happened


What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain.


They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day


I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”


What is the best instrument to keep as a pet? A trumpet


09:51 Arrive at the crime scene. 09:51 Find murder victim.09:51 Cordon off the area.09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.09:51 Realise watch has stopped.


What is a Irish nationalists favourite cartoon? Fenians & Ferb


Trump complains so much about being oppressed and degraded that he should make his own show and call it... Orange is the New Black.


One of my friends told me that Oslo is also known as the Tiger City And I was like “woah Norway”


The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee


Why do the French never order 2 eggs? Because one egg is an oeuf.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.


What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.


I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish


Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming


A German man visits America for holiday. The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"The man says: "No, only holiday!"


I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day... The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."


I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet It was a shampoo.


A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit


What kind of television is gay? An LG TV


Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.


If you have no idea what a prefix is, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the word.


I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.


Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change? They charged him with crimes against humidity.


What do you call a transformer that turns into a canoe... A rowbot.


What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house


What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis.


I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory. I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.


TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.


Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction


Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor


What is Elon Musk's favorite country? Mad-at-gas-car


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying


Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators


My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong... It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey


Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... "I see dead people."


A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke??"


Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


At what temperature are babies born? About womb temperature.


How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal.


What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole? Analigator!


Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?" Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"


Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this


I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.


I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.


What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see.


A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.


Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October


medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"


An accused criminal is brought before a judge... The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?""Not guilty, your honour.""Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down."Do you accept payment in gold?"


Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today? Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.


Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.


How do potatoes get to space? Using the starch ship enterfries


What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes


Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary.


It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.


What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.


What is Tesla’s new fragrance called? Elon Musk


How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection.


What is a French policeman’s favourite past time? Playing his oui u.


Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.


I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee.. I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.Good Luck..


This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid. Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.


One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten. "Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"


When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained Now he's a Pastor of Muppets


How can you tell a snowman from a snow woman? Snow balls.Yes. This is an old one. It's probably appeared here a million times. But it will be new to someone.


Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps? He wanted to build some schools.


My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much I told them, “Just you wait!”


I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free I was shocked


A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood


I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous.