One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious


Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist.


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.


Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.


Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu


My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'


Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.


I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But... My mom would kill me!


If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ... You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.  (Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)


My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”


Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her ‘Cagey B’


My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people. Down, Syndrome!(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)


The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place.


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters” Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”.  I was way off.


If self sabotage was a sport I would find a way to lose.


I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass


What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common? Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.


I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence.


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in. “Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter. “More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”


What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...


Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake


Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".


This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower? Hey bud!


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


NSFW Love is like a box of chocolates Some bastard is going to grab all the good ones and the rest of us will be forced to eat the gingers.


I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?" "Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."


Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years... “Tony! Is that you?” “Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?” “I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.” “Um... I meant for looking so young.”


A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:"Honey! We're out of bread!"The wife came into the room with a new loaf."Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."


What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth


Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag.


I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking.


What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.


I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.


Cum and Lotion look and taste the same.... JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......


What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions.


My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy.


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts.


What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands.


"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!"


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama


My uncle is like a good love story Very touching


I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially.


Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!


There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”


Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!


Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.


Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.


My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone


NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it


What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.


Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway


What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.


My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty I don’t understand He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face


What do mosquitoes and my job have in common? They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me.


A student is late for a zoom class... "What took you so long?" the teacher asks."Technical difficulties" the student answers."I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?""My clock"


What do anti vaxxers kids have in common with Peter Pan? They never grow old.


What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch.


Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually


With spring around the corner, Queen Elizabeth decided that the palace needed a bit of fresh air. Unfortunately, Prince Phillip began wafting out of a second story window


My brain is like a library of film facts that I barely even remember IMDumB


The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it.


Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles... In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."


Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest.


I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said ......."I'm into anal".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said "Animal".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!


I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.


Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo.


Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.


Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars? Me: well of course I know him, he is me


My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever.


What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions? Peripheral Vision#


Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder? Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.


For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero? Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.


What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.


What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand.


How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicles


My top 5 favourite vegetables 1. Tomato2. Lettuce


My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”


What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!


What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer.


If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.


What do you call a guy who jumps off the 3rd floor balcony into the pool and misses? An ambulance


Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic." The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."


Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price As I discovered on this Price comparison website


I ate five alarm chili last night... ...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.


If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love? The Swallow


An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?" "Olga," replies the terrified teller.  "Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"  Turns to a 6'4'' security guard  "I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"  Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"


What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


Why is "R" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.


Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!


What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down.


Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'"


What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


How was the handsome runner described? "Dashing."


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck? A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers. Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek? A: They don’t have to worry about winning. Q: How much is a cow worth? Answer: 100 Pounds. Q: ... read more


A tennis ball walked into a bar It was served right away


I made a chicken salad this morning. The stupid thing won't even eat it.


Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.


As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"


What happens when you attach stew to a blimp? Soup rise!


So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub.


Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave? Plot twist!


I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!


Stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter.


Did you hear about the guy whose New Year’s resolution was to flip over an electric car while test-driving it? He was turning over a new LEAF.


A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.


My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself.


People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume... Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.


I was known as the cool guy until I started bringing drinks and food to parties. Now I'm the cooler guy.


How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime? Vax evasion


What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.


A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic.


Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do


I once read a laxative horror story... It scared the shit out of me.


My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins.


Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically.


What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew.


Did you hear about the guy with copper wire? Apparently he got arrested for misconduct.


What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn


My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus.


This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?" I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics? Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.


A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says "I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."


(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide. The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says " Buffalo come " . The captain is astounded and asks " Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies "NO, side of face all sticky!"


After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout


What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet? I come in pieces.


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"It replys "I'm positive."


They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy.


What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal


My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.


My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.


The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives.. Car owner virus


Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.


2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!


Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war.


Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?


Beware of bards during floods. They're known for luteing.


American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."


Your in a cucumber right now. The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be.


Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night


Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.


If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?


What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!


If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


What do witches call their garage? A broom closet.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.


I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought "well, I can't turn that down".


What room do ghosts avoid? The living room.


Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since... 14-December-2020


Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead


If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds. Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?


What sports channel does Lando Calrissian watch? BESPN


What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)


A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -	Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.-	-	-	Jane ate her friend’s colon.


My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: "Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod""Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree""Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"


Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.


What can solve over population and world hunger at the same time? Cannibalism


Why are fish no good at tennis? They don’t like getting close to nets


What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean


When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads


I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.


I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off... But that made him a little more sluggish.


I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.


What was Lawrence Welk's favorite mountain range? The Polkanos.


Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick.


Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince.(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... "Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.  "You are right!" responds the alien. "See you on Thursday!"


What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!


to prevent theft, the declaration of independence is now locked in a nicolas cage


A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... "No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."


Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!


An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"? A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".


The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked.


One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'.


A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”


Valentine night for Men. I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker....


What do they make polygons wear on probation? an angle monitor


What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse


I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia


After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.


I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman. We really clicked.


My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat


Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue.


Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin


I made a joke once about jumping off a building It sorta fell flat.


I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, " It's not what it looks like!" To which I replied, "your honor!"


I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster


phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.


I’d make a joke about Article 13, but... *This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*


You were expecting perfume... But it was me, Deo!


You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side.


How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.


What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.


What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer!


Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary.


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious.


My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks


It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese


Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless.


My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly


My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking... But then I saw her face


I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s


Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life


Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”


"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name?"Scissorhands"


I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office.


I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica.....


The way I combed my hair in 7th grade is the worst part.


How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory.


I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes. The first draft really blew me away.


What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni


You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked


Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.


Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one


I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"I said "$200 and it's yours."


A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.


Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.


A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." "God loves you. Do you believe in God?""Yes.""Are you a Christian or a Jew?""A Christian.""Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?""Protestant.""Me, too! What franchise?""Baptist."... read more


So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."


I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard


I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip.


Biology Joke Biology teacher:
Can anyone name a disease?

Student:
I can sir.

Teacher:
Well done. Whose next?


Why did the ocean roar? Wouldn't you if there are crabs underneath?


I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language... They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.


Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job? Everyone got tired of his horsing around!


My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why? I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.


When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy.


What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.


I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.


My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'.


I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz


During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..


What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.


"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?" "It's Amy, Mario."


hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'


Where do baby ghosts go when their parents are at work? To day-scare!


Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit? Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid.


A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.


I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ... ... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.


I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."


Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January.


"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


If there's one thing that always makes me throw up...It's a dart board on the ceiling.


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came.


Two eggs in the fridge are talking The first one says: dude, you could have shaved. The other one answers: I am a kiwi.


I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked. "Maybe." I replied.


Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized "S"


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis I highly recommended him.


Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes


I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.


What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights.


My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house


What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.


My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock? A turkey.


The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves "Earth, Fire and Ice" "What happened to Air?""He kept blowing them off"


I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there.


Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days


Hey, can I take that pamphlet?? Brochure!


What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle


In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens. In Detroit, you ignore both.


A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”


Why'd the jelly cross the road? to create a traffic jam


Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday...


I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..." It's just clique bate.


There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D.


What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders


The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?


Why did the ghost's girlfriend break up with him? She found out about his side boos!


Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus... They’ve gone into full loch down.


I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.


I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me


A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out. It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!


I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.


What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal? Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes


I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled.


Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants.


Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'


What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.


Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher.


A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings


I saw two guys walking together with matching outfits at the mall, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.


My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year. My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.


Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event? A list of prose in Khans.


Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter.


In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.


A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.


Have you guys tried lighting pure oxygen on fire? You'll have a blast.


A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!


Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly.


Somebody asked if I like potato skins. It was a loaded question!


What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan? In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows.


What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool? A Montessaurus!


I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly.


What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen? Alien vs Redditor


Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard


I hate when my mom grills brats for dinner She’s the würst


I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven" And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew.. Come together, right now... over Smee.


Was in court with the ex wife over who'd get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her So of course she got custardy.


When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.


what do you call a muscular snowman? Jacked Frost


In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts. You had to call Shogun.


Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old


I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.


I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird


Judge: "How do you explain your actions?" "Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"


I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”


what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals? snackula


Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.


What do you call a flying policeman? A helicopper


What's the difference between the Japanese precision aerobatic team, and the Rockettes? The Japanese precision aerobatic team are known for their cunning stunts.


Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!


Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.


Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :( I can't get any, anywhere!


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


What does a French baker say when they made a mistake? Oh crepe


Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! "Sharon, please send in my next patient."


My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one.


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments? A Saxquatch


What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat


What do an internet junkie on dialup and an F18 pilot have in common? Both break out in cold sweat when their screen show NO CARRIER.


A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood


What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking.


A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?" "I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"


How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?  or ? ... or ?


Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm.


In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee


Prof to the student: Did you study geography? Student: Yes sir.    Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?    Student: At page 35 prof.


Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. "That means a lot." The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.


What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents


A policeman pulled me over. "Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me."No," I slurred."I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.I laughed. "You're a moron!"  "I'm a moron, am I? How so?"  "You think this is my car."


I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”


What’s a judge preferred breakfast? Oathmeal


Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget


How do you cross a troll bridge in Middle Earth? You use J.R.R. tokens....


I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell.


I could never work at a Subway… Couldn’t work at a place where’s its “appropriate” for someone to walk in and ask for a 6 inch Italian.


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!


What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl


Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory....


I just had an idea for lawyer porn... I call it "getting off on technicalities."


What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed? Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.


One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case. Turns out it was just a sham.


I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said "holy cow"


What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.


My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”


I hate Russian Nesting Dolls They’re so full of themselves


It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair.


A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"


A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."


I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. "Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad."


What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer


How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday


Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.


My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"


Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants


What do you call a bike tire salesman? A spokesperson.


My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"I said, "No, 6 should be enough."


"Humans only use 10% of their brain." Or at least the ones that still quote this.


This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore


I tell old dad jokes to my kids. What do you call a fish with no eyes?    Fshhhhhh


A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!


A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)


I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought “I can’t turn that down”


I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too.


Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....


What do you call a detective without his intestines? No Shit Sherlock


The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team.


Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.


Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense There are also a lot of people in certain locations


My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.) But she has a  friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.


How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian


Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.


What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike.


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!


Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares. They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”


Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara


Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk


In space, two aliens are talking to each other. The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"


Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women? Because if she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will never be able to support your broke ass...


Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull? Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience.


I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory Unfortunately it folded.


Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable.


I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight


Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"His boss replies "Is it ticking?""No, it's turkey and ham."


Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe. It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.


Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked!*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*