i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey


Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect. The answer is spine.


What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.


Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this


I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.


A clam walks into the bar... The bartender asks him, "how the hell did you do that?"


I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better... But now I don't know what to do with the letters.


Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery.


One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says... "It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?" The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."


‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’


There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.


BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals


I gave 3 berries to my friend in a trail and got shot immediately... The sign never said they would shoot for trespassing!


I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese... I say this with a heavy Hart.


A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.


I hate stair lifts They drive me up the friggin wall


Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”


In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true.


What's the most logical building in the USA? The US Mint.. it makes a lot of cents.


I had a picture of my favorite cartoon rabbit, but when I came home one day, someone encased it in glass and hung it up. Who framed Roger Rabbit?


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”


Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? They've got loads of spirit.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot.


3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.


Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What did the clam say when a crab attacked him? Kelp!


Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.


Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.


When I was a little boy my dad lost his job.. .. because they invented a little gadget that could do his job, only better and faster. As soon as my mum heard of this she ran out and bought one.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit "went"


Why do Republicans hate lotion? Because the directions say to apply it liberally.


What did Gold say to the periodic table? Hey you!


I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.


By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.


I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong.


At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass Brittle and full of sand


Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."


Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”


My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. It is my birth certificate.


How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board


What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J.


I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.


How do you prevent murders? Use a scarecrow


My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart. "Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."


Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country.


Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.


A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast.


What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names? The Saurus


Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does


I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues.


A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts. It was a tit-for-tat situation.


I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program. I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard. I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer.


My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer.


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus.


I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted none of them looked appealing pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)


Dark humour is like Free health care Not everyone gets it.


I went on a date with an anorexic girl She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'I said, 'I doubt it'


In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial


What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events? They're going to televise the world origami championships live...  On "paper view"!!!


A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”


What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato? With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.


Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue


TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized


Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war.


It's never too late to lose weight. My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.


I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires. Those were the Good Years.


Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change.


Why do metalheads like steam engines so much? They do a lot of chugging.


My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner.


You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.


When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.


To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)


My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.


If we could make America communist for just a year We could squash our obesity epidemic


Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist.


What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone "Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."


George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.


Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420.


Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan?? Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.


When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income.


A whale goes to a plastic surgeon He gets a blowjob


Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?" Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!


A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."


At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*


I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager.


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...


My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn


Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."


How do you express your opinion in China? \[redacted\]


50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them.


Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? InflationHoly smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!


I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead. The other is to come out to my parents.


What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.


My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses.. She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.


Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party? Sister: No, we probably dont need toMe: No, I dont think its necessaryUncle: No, I think it's dead weight


A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here"


Mars rover After an almost succesful retrieval of the Mars rover, upon re-entry, the rover overheated and exploded. Debrus landed in an urban environment. There was one casualty.Curiosity killed the cat


I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo


I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.


I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents


Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."


I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet.. I don't know why...


It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!


Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)


Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one.


My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either.


What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


Being a writer is enjoyable... But the job of editor is more rewording.


What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days? Amazon prime


You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.


What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!


An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme But it was multi level carpeting.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl? *knock knock* Hoo’s there?


Cum and Lotion look and taste the same.... JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......


What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.


I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly... ... I'm not a fan.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open.


I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.


I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.


I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking?" she asked. I answered, "It's me... talking to my beer."


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.


What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.


What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle


A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".


A college freshman in the year 2034 opens a bottle of cheapo vodka and immediately exclaims: Smells just like my childhood!


yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument???? THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS


Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit


My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done


I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.


Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach.


It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now.


My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive.


I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.


An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"


Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”


Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid.


If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win.


Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is? Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."


In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be? Mike! Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !


what do you call a constant stream of snake people? lamia flow.


I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.


I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.


What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels.


The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third.


What do you call a man born on the seashore? Son of a beach


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother? An octagram.


What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand.


I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.


What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.


what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket


What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money? Aliphony!


What do you call a ghost who thinks he can singlehandedly unload fear upon the face of the Earth? Boo cocky


Did You Hear The Story About The Cheese That Saved The World? It was legend dairy.


Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.


What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.


I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14.


Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.


The DJ played the Cha Cha Slide, so I did the Cha Cha Slide, The DJ played Macarena, so I did the Macarena,The DJ played Come On Eileen, and now I have an upcoming court appearance.


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.


Blowjob I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head.


What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!


I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl. All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.


A knight errant one day came across a damsel in the forest outside the Shire. “Fair lady, I offer you my honor,” he said. She replied “Good knight, I honor your offer.” And that’s how it was, all night long: off her and on her, on her and off her.


Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages.


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.


My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'


Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.


Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch - Yeti never complains.


What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!


Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail


What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs


My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian


What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken.


Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked


To the creator of autocorrect You can go to hello!


I've tested positive for needing a fucking vacation


My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, "I think those go on your feet."I said, "you would say that, wooden shoe."


My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags


Jewish coming out Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul."After a long awkward silence she frowns."Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"


What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary? Oh bee HIVE!


What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.


I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.


I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.


Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ? Never forget


My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.


Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again. She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you.


A woman goes to a butcher and says "I'll take some pork chops and make them lean""No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"


I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending.


Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there.


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm


Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush.


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)


My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra.


My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him. Because that's where I draw the line


I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !


Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this


A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent. The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".


What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast? A pilot, you racist


North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.


What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window? Curt and Rod


Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite.


The local wig shop was burgled Police is combing the area..


Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection.


A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.


Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.


I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time


Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead.


What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge? You shallot pass!


I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.


I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.


If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.


Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf.


What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators? Gatoraids


What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!


What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author


Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain.


Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day. Kar-muah is a bitch.


What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama? Pardon me


The difference a letter makes Had a buddy who couldn't tell the difference between gilding and geldingVery brave thoughReal brass balls on the guy


What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k


French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting


After just 2 days..... ...... I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.They gave me a £3 million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”


Was browsing the channel guide and stumbled upon a show called POV Shorts on PBS I had to put my dick away when I realized POV isn’t just a porn category


Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area.


What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"


“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”


While at the mall today I discovered there is an elevator company called Schindler... So while us American's would call it Schindler's elevator,...a Brit would call it Schindler's lift.


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar Followed by Batman.


My Girlfriend I can read my girlfriend's mood by just seeing her hands.Last night I knew she was pissed off when she came walking in with the 9 millimeter in her hands.


Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar. “Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”


Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.


My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me.


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old


Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick? Goth Brooks


Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they chnge theirs more  often


My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen


This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.


A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill" The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave. The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"


How did the orphan with a stutter get drunk? Can I have some mimosa?


Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question.


What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede.


A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????
General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..
Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???


[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac? Ghost Rider


I went to high school with a kid names Stains The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”


Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".


What do the Knights of Cydonia eat for breakfast? Museli


How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.


I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat


Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces


Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.


I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character


I went to a brothel without any money. They told me to beat it.


Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo


Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!


What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.


Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman.


People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.


Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.


Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"


What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet


My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.


TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest... When asked how he feels, he said "I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!"


Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".


I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap. She was way too clingy.


I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”


What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”


Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. "I won't stand for this"


I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.


I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels It's my new year's resolution


There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery, and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.


My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom... Contraception


A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover.


You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas.


I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair


Hey girl, are you a shopping mall? Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!


I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations... They're doing asbestos they can.


What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!


Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys.


Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty? Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.


What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.


Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.


Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.


What do you call evil duck rituals? Fowl practices!


When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake.


My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him:  Ok, who can tell me what these are?Me:  (Raises hand) Soy Beans!Him:  Much gusto, Beans!  Me llamo Dad.


Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.


The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”“Can you tell me what comes after three?" “Four." “What comes after six?" “Seven." “Very good" says the teacher. "Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" “A jack.”


What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm


What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys


I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!” and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!


What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost


My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”


Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but: He’s currently being charged with battery now


How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog.


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing.


Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.


Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman. I guess he's a vampire bat now.


Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar? Because no one could put it back on his body


What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.


A guy walks into a bar with a fully loaded AK47 He yelled 'Which one of you slept with my wife last night?'There was pin-drop silence for 10 seconds before a guy at the back said 'Mate you're gonna need more bullets than that'


A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”


I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”


I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbor." I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"


Why do kids like summer vacation so much? It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society


Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners? Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons


If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!


How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Release the vaccine in vape form. I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.


Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets.


Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s? It’s like that gun has a Colt following!


Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.It was a grave mistake.


What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool? A Montessaurus!


You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery


[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?" Salesman: "Car no do that.  Car go road."


A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you." The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."-"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" -The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."


One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.""Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”


My New Year’s resolution is to read more ...so I turned the subtitles on my TV.


I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa


“Television is bad for the eyes”, a teacher says. Jimmy: “Yes, and also bad for the legs.”Teacher: “Legs?”Jimmy: “My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.”Teacher: “Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?”Jimmy: “He dropped it on his foot!”


Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)


When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”


I got a job at the Zoo. I have to work my way up from the bottom.My first job is circumcise the elephants.They aren’t paying me, but the tips are HUGE.


Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!


What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.


LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.


I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's "just 'K."


What are the three shortest words in the English Language? “Is it in?”


For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.


My Friend Asked Me If I Would Give Up Blowjobs or Junk Food I said are you stupid that's easy, blowjobs.... They make my jaw hurt


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired. So I gave the Bucharest


I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head


What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability


Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs? Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.


The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor.


Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother." Wife:  "Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'"


The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom. I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.He said, "I'm packing.""Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."


A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner” “I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.


They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.


Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again


The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.


I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me.


What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger? Gladiator


I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art. It's called, "Mime and Punishment".


What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob


I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.


on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."


Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management? He had a bad ALTOtude problem.


How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish? "You're see, through!"


How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house? Coz he got rid of all his hose.


What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant


Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den.


Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.


Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!


What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!


How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual.


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see.


What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season Look out for hot singles in your area.


Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.


Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park


In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished


Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point. Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?"  German: "German"  Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?"  German: "No, just visiting"


When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors.


My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up "Enimem-rap god"


Whether you love him or hate him... ...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.


A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises." The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?" He replies, "Like a glove."


What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab


Why is life like a bowl of soup? Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot.


I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.


Dark humor is like food... I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself.


How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime? Vax evasion


I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising.


Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."


A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."


My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net


A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!


3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.


Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere: Mos QuitoQue SadillaScu BagearSyn TaxRev ErseMala MuteTrypto PhanCano NicalImpo TentSlee Papnea


I live under a 4 million dollar roof. Bridges sure are expensive.


What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry


Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"


Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills


The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".


A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her. "How dairy! ? ", thought the cow.


I don’t like diseases. I avoid diseases like the plague.


What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant.