Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead.


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell? A slug


I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.


I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease. Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.


I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom


If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.


Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium


When I want to read fiction, I go to the library. When I want to read nonfiction,  I go to the truthbrary.


TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge. It was the first known casual tea ofWar.


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs


How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish


My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts" He said I am "A major ass set to the company"


A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation


Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)


"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?"


I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.


A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom..."Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.""But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!""He did What? How dairy!"


A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK.


Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front The police will watch your house for free!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day He won't be walking for weeks


Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?


I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off


What did Gold say to the periodic table? Hey you!


A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.Game warden: So where are the fish?Fisherman: What fish?


Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back


Bob the Builder: Can we fix it? Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert...


I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east He told me prophets were going through the roof


Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory


Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown


What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? They aren't weak-days.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and


What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor.


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking


Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke


Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.


My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!Edit : grammar


What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? "internyet!"


Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new.


Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath!


A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records.


Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny


Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called... Wand Erection


All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions.


A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge


"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.""Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?""Your cholesterol is down to 140."


Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.


Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?


A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."I said: “Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died


I told a girl that periods are no big deal She ovary acted


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.


I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move.


I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.


Is John cena is the spokesperson for Honda? He has a great voice but I can’t see him.


I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."


TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge. It was the first known casual tea ofWar.


If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?


Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....


A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”


A boy came to a restaurant with his dad Waiter: What would you like to order?Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to youDad:Waiter:Dad: I'll have the chicken


What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter  An irrelephant.


Why are there fences around cemetery’s Because everyone is dying to get in


My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels Because she says I'm a hard licker!


Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham


What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed.


Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea


Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.


“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”


Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense There are also a lot of people in certain locations


Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.


A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head. She died.


What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.


Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:It's stale mate.


A student is late for a zoom class... "What took you so long?" the teacher asks."Technical difficulties" the student answers."I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?""My clock"


An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?"


While I was cleaning the pool one hot day... I overheard my college daughter’s friend:Your dads hot!Daughter: really??I smiled Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade


I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee.


Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey


What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place


UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.


A college freshman in the year 2034 opens a bottle of cheapo vodka and immediately exclaims: Smells just like my childhood!


Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell


How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet.


A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"


inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused


What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ? Mango Fett.


Roses are red, Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellowI bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts


Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting


What do you call medicine that you give to pigs? Oinkment


What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale


When one door closes, another door opens. You are being ejected through the air lock.


Can't take a vacation.. \- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover.


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.


I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents.


I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"


If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks... ...are you testing its utensil strength?


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


Why do cows look so depressed after being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!


What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray.


What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's hide-and-go-seek champion.


Two professional limbo players walk into a bar. You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked.


What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser


Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news. "Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.


What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan


What do you call a solar powered keyboard? A photosynthesiser


What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit


Chicken soup is healthy for you. As long as you’re not the chicken.


If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.


A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast


A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast.


A karate professional is shooting a movie scene He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? ""Yeah, but this is take one though. "


Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual


A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."


A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene.


What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics


Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply


Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says "Au get out of here"


Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers.


What is this movie about? It is about  hours long.


I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know.


Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise.


TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people... I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.


A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.


I have the Quran on CD... People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it.


I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart.. ... and kidney.


Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.


My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.And that was just the tip of the iceburg


Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary.


Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.


Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.


Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrr."


What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son.


Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time


What do you call someone who sells herself in exchange for a plate of spaghetti? A pasta-tute


Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China? Because it has a Taipei personality


The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words Not my problem


My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.


I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon


Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal.


I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period. So she can get on my exclamation mark.


I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.


What do you call an element that always complains? a lament.


What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!


That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people.... And you'll probably never hear about it.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour


Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators


All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.


I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C" She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"


What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.


In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!


What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater? Lake sturgeon.


My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start) Why are plants bad cheerleaders?Because they're always rooting for themselves.


How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots


Environment Friendly Joke *What do you do with 365 used condoms?*    Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.


Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator? I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***


A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."


My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.


A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool. Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”


"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"


Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back


I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving. He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, "You're staggering" I said, "you're quite handsome yourself" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.


Two Irish Couples Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."


Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs. I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.


I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating. I scored full Marks.


A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR. What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism.  I'm not surprised at all though.  To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery.


This one time I got into an argument with my furnace. You could say things got a little heated


A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork" The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"


TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody. I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions.


So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.


Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes


Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines


What does a bored trampoline jumper say? "Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now."


Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.


(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.


What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado.


My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.


A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet


I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse


Man who has no sense of humor... has a serious problem.


My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter... I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.


Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”.


This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said "Really?"She said, "Yes."


The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm. I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.


What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet


I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels. I’ve been working on it tirelessly.


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces. Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.


Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you." He was being too forward.


A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts... “This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... ““What happened to 5?” I asked “Cinq”


I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... "You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe


Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love


A polar cub goes to its mom. \- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\- Yes, my darling.\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\- Yes, son.\- What about aunt Cindy?\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\- A... read more


Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much.


What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it? Instagram.I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it


Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies.


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.


A man drops his coin into the wishing well... " I wish I had a giant cock!"Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.


My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.


My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child


As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are


What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.


What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant


LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane.


Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole? Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes.


I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!


A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this? BuzzFeed


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned


Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first.


What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!


My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting He didn’t like id., et al.


It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events


Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.


My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice.


What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.


When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you. You don't want to die of dissin' Terry.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him.


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it."


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.


How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance.


Why do hippies make good accountants? Because they're from a counter-culture


A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"


I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue.


I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.


Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana


I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased. But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.


Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind.


I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche.


What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!


Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time.


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


In school we had a friend named Gustavo. He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent.


What's the difference between a bucket and a tub? For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.


Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam? He called it Wildlife Preserve.


Nic Cage went through such a hassle to find a national treasure. When all he had to do was look in a the mirror.


I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.


I’d like to return this. It’s unused. Clerk: Sir, this is your diploma. Me: Cash is fine.


A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?" The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."


Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him.


I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps? He says “No, it kills them.”


Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry.


What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!


My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"I replied, "Single-handedly."


I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one


So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us


My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.


As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach... I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.


I went shopping for shoes and I found the perfect pair They are my solemates


A friend of mine, a mathematician, told me he has long term effects after his COVID-19 infection. "Do you have difficulties breathing?" I asked him. "No," he said, "I stopped reducing fractions."


What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House? The secret cervix.


A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!"He replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"


My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen.


What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done.


Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420.


“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop? Benandgerie.


What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here.


I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons.


Whats worse then getting your car keys stuck in the lock outside an abortion clinic? Having to go back inside and ask for a coathanger.


Two cows walk into a barn "man i hate this farm", said the first one."mood", mooed the second cow.


What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, "whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?" The pirate just says, "yaarrg its drivin' me nuts"


I just quit my job working in a shoe factory It was sole destroying


A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”


After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana.


Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!


I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years


Why should every starter house come with a cat? Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”


Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.


What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup.


Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!


How do you spell "candy" with just two letters? C and Y.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.