Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.


What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl


Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship? Because the ship had Musk written all over it


50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.


Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family.


How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish


How do crabs get around on land? They use the sidewalk.


What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss.


Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.


What do you call a toy bear with boobs? A tiddy bear


Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job


I see Google Calendar is down I thought I'd never see the day


Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.


Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult? Razor thin margins.


You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet


What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate...


What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life? He writes byebyeworld.c


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?" "Jenny"


Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. "How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks."Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.


What dinosaur used boulders as toilet paper? Megasoreass


Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack.


I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said.  Take these drinks to table nine.


The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”


Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card I only managed to get 10% off


The most important element of public speaking? Podium


What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut.


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish


What do you called it when a Stoner, a Jedi and a Surgeon walk into a bar? Blunt Force Trauma


There was a huge uproar when the official theme song of the National Leukemia Foundation was announced What's wrong with "Bad to the Bone"?


Why can't Peter Pan be grounded? You: Because he Neverlands.Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan.


What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility? Psycho-paths


A policeman knocked on my door. "I need a word with you right now.""OK," I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: "Got one...'sa*u*sage'."


The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ..."This is the whey"(Sorry)


What's the difference between jelly and jam? Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.


In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic


I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind.


My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day.


Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."


What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer


A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife's bickering between songs.


What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!


My friend tried telling me shovels are useless. But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.


What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments


I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.


Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama? Family discount.


My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.


What's better than winning silver at the Paralympics? Having legs.


TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.


A boy asks his father, "Can I have a bookmark?". His dad starts crying, "After 10 years you still don't know im called Brian!".


Haunted House Idea: A room full of women saying "I'm fine."


Superman... Superman walks into a room with a pancake on his head...Not all heroes wear crepes.


There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba.


I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice.


Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress


Stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter.


Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!


In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country.


I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia. Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place.


What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist? Nothing, giraffes aren't real.


On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.


My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon


What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops.


Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is.


My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim.


I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry The job has its Prose and Kahns


I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents.


What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale.


What's a female ghost's most attractive feature? Her BOO-bies!  >!Oh come on, it's funny...!<


What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet Moist-your-eyes


Two black guys are peeing off a bridge The first one looks at the other and says, “man it’s cold”.The second one replies, “yeah, and it’s deep too.”


Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten.


Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out


What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more


My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”


An accused criminal is brought before a judge... The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?""Not guilty, your honour.""Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down."Do you accept payment in gold?"


Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.


They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.


Why do people hate their periods? It really cramps their style


Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.


Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there.


The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!


I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed "I am your Father"Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.


Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.


Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?


A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!


Only 2010's kids will get this. Polio and shingles.


I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school. In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too.


What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!


I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.


What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold? Achoopacabra


How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.


I have a clean conscience - it's never been used.


I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.


What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream.


I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right


I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here


Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.


Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool I just love anime shins.


A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."


What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready? He goes Sickle Mode


Why do they call chicken the beggar's bird? Because it says "Buck buck buck buck buck!"


Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.


So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago. Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.


Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes... trying to read a billboard a half mile away.  When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision".


What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum


The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.


I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.


Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.


So, it turns out that "In-N-Out" is NOT a brothel but "Animal style" still means the same thing; so that was nice.


My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her.


It's good thing tall people like me don't grow on trees friend: too bad shorter people could use the shade!


Two cowboys are stranded in the desert... One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs towards the bacon tree... As he reaches the bacon tree he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree... It was a hambush


I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC


Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this


I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster. But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.


The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier ? I was ecstatic.(So we're my kids, when I told them they weren't going to be grounded any more.)


A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".


It's Pancake Tuesday already... Really creped up on me.


Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.


Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.


A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


[NSFW] Vaxx joke to help break the ice **For those of you who are worried about the Pfizer vaccine, know that they make Viagra too!** If they can raise the dead, they can save the living!


How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.


What did the fish say to the fisherman? "No one will ever believe you."


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.


Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.


What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder? Diableatus.


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!” A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe... the food was good but the bill was enormous!


I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.


Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money.


What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen? Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh.


A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»


I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.


What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center? The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.


My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.


Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I told him, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.


I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs. She said, "Try Sarah Topps."


Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..


What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!


What is a cougar's favorite kill? A stagg with a nice rack!


Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.


I got fired from the calendar factory just for taking a day off :(


I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents.


How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.


Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow" By Mr. Completely


A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, "Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?"  To which the pirate responds, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"


Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.


Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done... ...with the first one.


What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife? Domestic violins.


I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."


I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!


Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me! I answered: You won't...


Did you hear the joke about censorship? You might expect to simply see the word \[removed\] here, but actually most censorship is self-censorship whereby people edit their own work to pre-empt any conflict with the censors, so please DM me for the answer to this joke


I do online classes like games... Blame it all on my internet.


What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!


You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.


Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.


Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard


What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !


Kid : " What are condoms used for?" Dad : " To avoid such questions. "


What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl.


When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground.. ..take it out, flip it over and lower again.


I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious.


When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?


A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.


I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.


What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.


why did the bread kick the tomato over? because he loafed him


A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry."I will not take this sitting down!"


I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON".... (stand back and watch the fun.)


My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.


Yo mumma’s so fat The ocean beaches on her.


I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, "What does he do when his glasses get dirty?".


OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures.


A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"


Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)


The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me."Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."


A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines.


A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!


Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.


I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing.


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I know several jokes in sign language I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.


Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye? He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.(My 3 year old son came up with it)


Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets? Because their ports are always a disaster!


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"


I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant


One farmer asks another \- "Are your cows smokers?"\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"\- "Then your barn is on fire."


What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel? The Knights who say Ni!


Never fight a dinosaur. You'll get jurasskicked!


If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend.


what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet.


Which country in the world has most Parks? Korea


Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year? It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.


This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”


My son asked me: "would you sell me for a million dollars?!?" I said "never in a million billion years!!"He asked "what about 2 million"I said "are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man"


Now that Lucasfilm is owned by Disney . . . Will ILM be removing the Notre Dame Cathedral from the Hunchback cartoon?


(NSFW) How is Santa Claus similar to Bill Cosby? They won't come unless you're asleep.


A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.


Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked.


Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!


I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.


Whats the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and Marty McFly? Eventually Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.


I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading.


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


What do you call a person that sells cow poop? An entre-manure


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet.


Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back


One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case. Turns out it was just a sham.


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


Don’t urinate on people in self defense You’re just going to make them more pissed


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia? Ash.


A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger. The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”


I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green.


How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.


A lorry full of wigs was stolen last night.... Police are combing the area.


Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle


As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock... ...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.


I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!


An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?" "Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."


When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride.


Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.


Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive.


Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.


What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? "It's a dog eat dog world out there."


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.


What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


What do you call a mosquito that is found funny? Malarious


What do you call a rabbit working in a hotel A bell-hop


What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.


Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!


Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy? Alexa- apple juice


My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.


So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base.


I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down.


My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum? A meltdown*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.


Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!


Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess


My wife is pissed off at me... She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.


Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up.


Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital? Because he stopped making scents


If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.


What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept.


Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.


Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!


I'm lacking in moral fiber... As a result, I don't really give a shit.


A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'


Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!


You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster. But it only makes them more sluggish.


I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point.


Three men came to visit Confucius They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''He responded: "Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors."


Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.


A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."


What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ? Quran Quran


My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.


Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!


I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.


Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke


How do drummers ask if they can take a break? It’s quite simple“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


What type of jokes do turtles like? Shell-arious ones.(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)


After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...


A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut"


A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood


New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.


Why do surgeons get so rich? They always make their cut.


Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.


After it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, how was the flood of Genesis stopped? God dammed it.


Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich." "Okay, Rich," said the genie. "What would you like for your second wish?"


My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.