My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist.


My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day. So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.


What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.


What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls.


How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie


What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh


Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope


I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to."To change a light bulb" he replies."Won't that be difficult?" I ask."Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".


What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students? Doctor.


What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha.


Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions.


How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes? Using the syrups.


Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job? He had narcolepsy


I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?


What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K.


What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.


5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.


What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why did Pepper go to prison? A-SALTI made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it.


Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH


I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral I'm a choir starter


Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work. That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.


What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS. A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale.


This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.


I underwent surgery and now I've got a ten inch cock. I think I'm going to need another reduction.


A kind man gave me some gold for free But I am a fool, for upon closer inspection I discovered it was pyrite.


Why don't the Chinese play cricket? They eat the bat


Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!


It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


The Longer this lock-down carries on the more i find myself acting like a bodybuilder. Not the actual exercise, More the eating every 2 hours.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!


I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought "well, I can't turn that down".


A time traveler meets a teacher “Can I ask you what month it it?”“May.”“Fine. *May* I ask you what month it is?”


Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start.


To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey


Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.


Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists.


I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"


Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country.


Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.


I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.


They say dogs can detect cancer by scent.. Wondering if CAT scan too..


This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!""That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


Where do you file uncategorized rocket items? Under missile-enious.


Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says ''Au, get outta here''


My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much


What kind of stones does a ghost use for jewellery? Tombstones


I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.


I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard' Makes Sense....They caused lots of destruction, Was full of snowflakes, And a whole lot of White.


Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother


I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts.


Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing.


‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’


What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley


In school we had a friend named Gustavo. He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent.


OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once


What school of magic does a Giraffe practice? Neckromancy


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter  An irrelephant.


A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time.""I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.


I have an OCD sort of condition Its called CDO


What does the ghost of a panda bear eat? Bambooooo.


I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)


I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me


You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out? That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.


I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.


What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.


Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What looks like half an apple? The other half.


Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Today I was in a home with no internet. Something was Amish


An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... "Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow. I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".


And the world breathed a big sigh of relief... The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe


A doctor, a klansman, and a governor walk into a bar... Oh wait, it’s just Ralph Northam.


What did the leper say to the prostitute? “You can keep the tip”


I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star.


What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment? Instant Greta-fication.


“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.


A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."I said: “Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?


The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches.


My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.


Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.


Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.


My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull.


Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake. What a crepe.


I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct. Turns out it was a piece of cake.


I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet JasmineJasmine: HiWife: what the fuck


I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"


What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.


A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.


What Reaper says when he is going to hair dresser? DYE DYE DYE!


I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming. As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”


The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied... “You better check your junk.”


Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more


Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.


What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency


My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology. I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.


In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.


what did the owl thats a detective say? hoo did it?


Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.


A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge. It was a loco motive.


They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.


Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected... I asked the girl for a movie.She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.Me : "You decide".She : "No, you should decide"Me : "No, you decide"She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"


The biology teacher told us our skin is the biggest organ... Here i was thinking it was the one they play in the church down the road!


Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea


Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!


Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)


If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss..... ..... interpretation


I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.


What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Quattro Cinco.


2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine? He trained.


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.


A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked.


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


A policeman arrives at the crime scene "Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?""Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.""How do you know that?""He told me as he was running off."


My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient.


I got a promotion at the farm I'm the new CIEIO


Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.


A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*


I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled.


What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ? "it all happened so fast!"


If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”


I'd hate to be a knight They take L's left and right.


The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says "Bon Atrophy"


A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house. Why do squirrels swim on their backs?To keep their nuts dry!


If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.


I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"


A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”


Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!


I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game But good players are hard to find


What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry


Life vests no longer allowed on flights. Security specialists found out that they can blow up.


This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.


I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.


I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.


Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity? Fa-yeet-a


In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial


Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.


The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."


I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices She doesn't know what's cumin


Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal? They believe in first past the post


I used to sell loose onions Until I got the sack


I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.


What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!


Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.


A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........ Shame on you for wanting a punchline.This giraffe needs help.


Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks.


My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one.  Stubborn man.


I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.


[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more


Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor.


At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)


What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? forest


Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ... In the other hand, however.


My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released.


What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please.


Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!


The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod."


St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny.


Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas.


Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come... I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.


Do you know why firetrucks are red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people. 4+8=12There are 12 inches in a rulerQueen Elizabeth is a rulerThere was a ship named Queen Elizabeth Ships sail on seasSeas have fishFish have finsPeople from Finland are Finns Finlan... read more


How do you make gorilla stew? You keep it waiting


A man who runs in front of a car gets tired, a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly.


A dog walks into the unemployment office.. "I need a job." He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?""If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"


Where do swedish bears sleep? In their sweDEN.


"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.""Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?""Your cholesterol is down to 140."


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona.


Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7.


Why does the library have so many floors? CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!  I'm so sorry


What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA


A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene.


A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me DickHer : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?Him : you ask nicely ...


How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.


A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package.


I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working. It just doesn't make any scents


Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.


Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel


What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights.


Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...


Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed. At least I know I'm sane.


What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages? A nuclear fizzicist.


Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck


Math problem alarms They are so easy i can do them in my sleep.


Dark humour is like Free health care Not everyone gets it.


How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!


I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. "ROAR!" he yelled. "What dinosaur is that?" I asked."T Rex!"Then he said, "HONK!""What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle."Triceratops," he said."Why does a Triceratops honk?"And he said, "Because it has horns!"


New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time. It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.


It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready


The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently.


A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “you want a longneck?”The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”


My brother brought home his Japanese girlfriend. He must have had a ton of visitors that night, because his girlfriend wouldn’t stop saying hi.


Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world? Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.


When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained Now he's a Pastor of Muppets


I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob... He said: > Now, let there be Lite.


I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life. Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.


Who decided to call them deli slices and not... ... Meat Thins?


Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit. baseball.bat


New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.


Dogs invented the Internet. They have used IP protocol long before us.


I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday.


My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”


This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!""That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply.


I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”


What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!


Did you hear the joke titled 'from seconds to minutes'? It's about time.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space.


Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.


What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver? Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.


What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat.


My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood


A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they're going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: "Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!""Then I'll come pick you up again."


My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved.


I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”


The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.


It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.


If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth.


A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working. It made no damn scents.


My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, "I think those go on your feet."I said, "you would say that, wooden shoe."


In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism. It's my Hannibal Lecture.


Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner. Ho! Ho! Ho!  Merry Christmas!


I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine.


The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP


A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies.


I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.


What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash


I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work." "Don't worry, I've locked it."


After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows.


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm "You're a blizzard, Harry"


I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’


Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying...


You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches


My first job was working at an orange factory But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.


Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)


My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters...


China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding


I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!


Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape I'm always running out of ideas.


Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says "it this whiskey?"The second replies "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"


A man has been found guilty for over using commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence


I name my little guy after a digital game store Say hello to Humble Bundle


What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.


My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.


I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.


What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.


It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are.


The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin... appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”


Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that.""Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it.""Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."


What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?


A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”


Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because they are a super spreader!


How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.


I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"


My Dad has a box of crayons on him at all times I'm so proud that he's in the Marines


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Why can't you eat Wookie meat? Because it's too chewy...


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity


I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer? HG Wells.


What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.


Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply


Why is the air conditioning popular at school Its very cool


How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.THE LADDER! I meant the ladder.


What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong


What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t.


What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer? "Yay, I love popsicles!"


98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today. The other 2% made it home.


Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit


I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass.


Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?


Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”


How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind


What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire


You should get a candle. If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.


What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth


I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.


Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”


my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?A. osmoses


What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff.


When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them. Call that a defense magnesium


What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette


You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined... Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020:  “Mask it or Casket”!


There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels.


Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? " I said: oaky


Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.


Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person


I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it, she said: Mehhhh


On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.


What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!


What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.


What's the best date to take a pansexual on? Take them out for a wok.


I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to DRAG ON and on


I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave"..... And i said "So did i all my friends"...


So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us


What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle.


What has more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him.


My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.


There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, "Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?"  To which the pirate responds, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"


It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.


A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."  And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."


My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.


My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'


What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees." But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.


This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together.


I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.


Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.


Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."But the steaks were too high.


Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.


The Spanish word for 'cat' is 'gato'. In China they pronounce it 'gateau'.


The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..


I hate when people pet baby goats You’re literally touching kids, perverts!


A very excited 5 year old shared this joke with me in class today "Wha- what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? a dinoSNORE !!!"  it made my day <3


What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman? OnlyFins.


This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.


What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito Himalarya


Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day.


The orange asked the melon: "Hey, want to get married?" The melon said: "Sorry, I canteloupe"


What do you call an army of toddlers? An Infantry.


"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating Instead people should say  "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before


I caught my son chewing an electric wire. He is grounded now.


A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... "Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail."  The other asks "how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.""Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"


Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil


So Thanos is a farmer now... He must be really into crop dusting


A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"


I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident. Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'


A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here." The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"


What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!


There was a pun competition going on in the local community. I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did.


Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much.


2 dragons walk into a bar The first one says "it's hot in here." The second one says "shut your mouth"


I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem... But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it.


Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for. He just smiles and says: "No one infects the Spanish ink physician"


How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)


Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


Why can't you hang around after a yoga class? Because, none must stay.


A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said. "Trust me it helps, that's what I do"


Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".


Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.


If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area


Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.


A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.


My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”


A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat Long story short that kids is how I met your mother


Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He


While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me "Do you have tennis shoes?" I responded, "No, I only have 9 issues."


What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland. A Leper-Con


What do you call the new Iraqi currency? An after Dinar mint.


Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.


[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died


Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar? A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.


Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something... this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time


Today my dad beat cancer. By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.


I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What do you give a pig when it's poor? An oink-ment!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, "Can't you just use a sponge?"


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars. Now they have cameras everywhere.


I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them


Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu


Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday. Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.Her: "What's that!" Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"


What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush


John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr." Didn't see that one coming.


A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?" To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."


We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial. He was well koalafied.


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


[NSFW] A New Male Server in Texas was Arrested for Unsolicited Sex. His reasoning? “Well, I asked her what I could get her and she said, Mountain Dew Me, and so I did her right there.”


The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset. To learn that All Votes Matter.


When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise.


My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!


I tried hitting on my barber the other day I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"


You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s.


Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.


I went into the bathroom the other day.... and I lost my shit


What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl


What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl? A who man.


Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado


"Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot.""So you can knot?""No, I cannot knot.""Not knot?""Who's there?""Fuck off!"


TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK


My Great Grandfather died in the Holocaust. He fell off a watch tower.


What do you get, when you cross a husky and a blondie? Either a really stupid fucking dog, or a frost resistant bitch


A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!


What's the hardest thing about defenestration? the window


Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly


What did fisherman say at his retirement ceremony? "It's been reel"