Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: "Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"


The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words Not my problem


Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray


I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.


I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.


What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept.


What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)


A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense." The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."


Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.


At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”. The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book. “What was it called?” I asked.“My 2 years in prison”


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.


Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.


What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.


Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me.


What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment.


Why did the female crocodile leave her husband? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I really don't like tight spaces. That's why I shag your mum.


Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.


Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich? He wanted jingle down economics to take place


How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.


So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".


I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents


When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months. I was his friend for life.


You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.


My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate.


My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K.


Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store


Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out


My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.


Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear


A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit "I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".


About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. Boy after that he went down hill fast.


What is the favourite gun caliber of a german? Nein millimeter.


I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three.


Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well.


Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil? The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*My botany professor just told us this.


What do you call an actor thats a program? What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?Matt Daemon Tools.


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom It was just pictures of me


What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH


Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.


Your first time is like a box of chocolates You finish so much faster them you thought


English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"What is a ternative?


Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines


Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate? It caused a huge traffic yam.


What is the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxafailin


I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking


Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny


"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.


For those who dare steal Death's pillows.. Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions


I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases. It’s-a-me, Malario.


People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest... Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on.


Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker


He does a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie.


I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!


Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.


What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics


The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane. The steaks have never been higher.


The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


I thought chiropractors were a big hoax But I stand corrected.


Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates


What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery? The no-belt prize.


I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless.


What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui.


How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.


My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf. He looked devastated. I told him, "Don't worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up".


"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."


What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. "I want to meet my biological parents," the son demands. "We are your biological parents," the father responds. "Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes."


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.


I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe. I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.


Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again


Why do Christians hate butchers? They don’t condone beating meat


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 A broken pencil.
 A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.


Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.


What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.


"Smart" Televisions. What do regular TVs and "smart" TVs have in common?You watch TV on them.What's the difference between a "smart" TV and a regular TV?A "smart" TV watches you too.


I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette


What did the new comic say to the mic? Thanks for the feedback.


I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments. But it was cancelled.


Why do surgeons get so rich? They always make their cut.


What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand.


A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.


What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats? Ferry tales


I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs... That way all of my vegetables feel special.


I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic.


What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose.


Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)


Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure


Responsible job My father has a very responsible job. He has about 500 people under him.He cuts grass at the local cemetery.


What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet


Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: What font is this?


I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.


whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.


TIL that singing will scare bears. You just have to be a bearatone.


Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway.


What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face? Genetic makeup


A dsylexic man walks into a bra Read it again if you didnt get it


Wife: can you pick up milk? Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easyWife: I mean from the store Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."


Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face. I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.


[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.


Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant.


One of my friends told me that Oslo is also known as the Tiger City And I was like “woah Norway”


I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill


What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!


If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke


Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual.


I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.


What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup


I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?" "He's going through a rough patch" she said...


Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild. “Are you ready to hear some music??”“YEAH!!!” “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”


My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.


There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”


Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!


I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!


What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.


What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.


What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.


Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.


After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!


I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest A little upset to find out he came back


Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!


What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!


I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”


A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. "Lettuce in!"


Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".


While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, "can I help you?"  I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?"  He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out."  I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"


I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.


My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it. Clear vision


Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!


A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says "sorry, we only do plain"


A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..


Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot.


George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters.(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)


In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**


One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.


What do you call someone with Alzheimer's? They don't know either.


What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!


Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character" Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."


What did I do when I got drafted to the US army for the WW3 Iran.


What did the knight say to the turnip? Begone, foul beet!


What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.What do you call a regular looking potato?A commentator.There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?The one that says Idaho on it.


I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character


Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming


A policeman knocked on my door. "I need a word with you right now.""OK," I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: "Got one...'sa*u*sage'."


My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved. Me.


As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”


What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.


How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle


Could you imagine a market in the Middle East? Because that would be bazaar


Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error.


Why did the math book look so sad  Because of all of its problems!


What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block.


My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day. Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?


How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work. Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."


Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later


Q: You know how to eat soup with chopsticks? A: put them down and pick up the bowl.


"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!” “Not this time, your dog died.”


What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out.


I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”


A lot of people say “Put your money where your mouth is”. What if I want to put my mouth where my money is; between strawberry scented stripper tits.


Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.


My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole” “Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”


What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.


America sure is having some bad luck with the recent hurricanes. As if it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground.


My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!


"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?" "It's Amy, Mario."


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish.


My wife said, "You weren't even listening, were you?" And I thought, "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."


My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.


What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!


How do you throw a space party? You planet.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*


A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber. "Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."


I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more.


The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?


HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are: 1) Stop writing lists.
B) Be more consistent.
7) Learn to count.


I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior. I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"


At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.


What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts


My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup, So his mother gave him and earful.


Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]


Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White


Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy.


I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"


I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed.. You need only one to smother your husband.


Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1


What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables


What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls


How did the shoemaker reward his employees? With sock options.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


What do guns and corona virus have in common They were both created in China now every American has one


The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards


Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new.


Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.


What do you get when you push a female mathematician into a swamp? Algae bra


A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods. The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.


My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.


You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere


My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net


If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? "Bravo 6 going bark"


Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made... ...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."


I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails. I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.


What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."


My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... "STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"


Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher.


Got fired from my job as a security guard. I had to escort myself out of the building.


The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says "Bon Atrophy"


My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence


The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted "Argh-bees!"


I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary. High definition.


Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1? Because their master is a rat.


A Jewish girl asked for my number I told her we use names now.


Two men were chatting in a bar "So what do you do?""I write""Oh, poetry or prose?""Neither, I write cartoons""Why's that?""No rhyme or reason"


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?


What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.


My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me.


Why do relationships between string instruments never work out? They always result in domestic violins.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.


What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!


Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"The guy replies "yeah little heads too."


Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them? They’re pair-a-medics.


My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.


I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading. I told her:''Tips to cook delicious food.”And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:"I have reached where they are cutting onions."


What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations? An heir mattress


What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat... So I filed for divorce!


How did the tortoise win the race? He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen


I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction.


Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version... It will be called the InterNYET.


what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)


Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.


I asked my wife to get us some nice stools. But the ones she picked up were shit.


What's the difference... What's the difference between:* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction> And* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?---One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!


A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance.. The rabbit says "tango?"He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"


Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers.


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders


A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America. Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.They ask him: is this all your luggage?He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.


I had my annual physical, today. My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”And I agreed with him.


When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."


How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training


A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?


Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana? Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.


The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?""Round?""Get a round""I get a round?""Get a round...""Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.


I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason... Too *mushroom* for error.


After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.


"A 45 minute nap should set me straight " 8 hours later : wakes up as a gay


What do u call a knight who’s really sketchy? Sir Spishus


A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          "don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?""Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."


What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.


Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?


After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.


After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment. So I shot that stupid eagle.


My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.... He's the spokesman.


Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.  They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"


What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.


You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes. 1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.


Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious.


Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day  2. 90 minutes of cardio  3. Take a cold shower  4. Journal  5. Schedule out your day  6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company  7. Meditate


My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.


A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. "Return ticket to Death Valley please."  "Pleasure trip?"  "Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."  "LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?"    "No, this is carrion."


A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"


What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus? They're both crushed Asians.


When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.


What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"


Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.


What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.


What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.


What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.


A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore


I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush


Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground? They have unfinished business.


A blind man walks into a bar And then a table... And then a wall...


What did the coffee report to the police  A mugging.


Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords? So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age


I don't mind losing friends I lose sperm every week. My own kids man.


There are  types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't


I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't… Then I was. Then I wasn't.Then I was. Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…


My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life. Based on that math, I should've died in 1987.


Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.


How do angels light a candle? With a match made in heaven.


A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it.


For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed.


What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.


I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading.


'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"


What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul


What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!


What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad


Not properly prescripted - Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!


A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband


I used to collect marbles I  used to collect marbles.Then I lost them.


Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.


What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins? A slice of blue cake!!!


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck.


What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new.


They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland. It's a controlled Bern.


Who let the ghosts out?! Boo, boo-boo-boo.


I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation.


TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks. They wanted to be sea dated.


Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin? One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.


What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn


If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re… …typo positive?


What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding


I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit


Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber His channel got loads viewsToo bad he didn't make a penny though The channel got demonetized


I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive


Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb.


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.


The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are


Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.


Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold.


Knock knock.
 Who's there?
 Little old lady.
 Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.


What did the alpaca say to his date? "Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."


What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.


I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week. But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.


Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!


Why are girls called chicks? Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?


What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín


How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly.


What number is higher than infinity? 420


I used to be a mass murderer... But then I got a vasectomy.


Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned


What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.


Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.


Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.


Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team? She kept getting penalized for hooking.


The creator of the USB flash drive died today. He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.


Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside.


What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy? One baits his hooks, the other hates his books.


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered "Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"


What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships


A problem at the restaurant Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!""My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."


My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach. Now he's got a beer belly.


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism


Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two.


My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope.


Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!She replied "Why do you watch porn?"


My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.


I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward.


I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep.


What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...


I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on


A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test.


Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid.


In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**


The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.


I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”


I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking.


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair. If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)


What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off


Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ... ... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


What do you get when you light 16 candles under a romantic comedy lead actor? John Bar-be-Cusak.


What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.


To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!


What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.


What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarine.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment


What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion


Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!


Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character? Oscar.


What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office? Not an ambulance.


What is the difference between jam and jelly? Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?


Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down. I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.My fucking wife knows everything.


A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied " Jenius"


During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced? It had grater plans


Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure


I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages It must be her Wurst Habit


My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste. Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.


Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"


Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag.


What do you call an aged leaf drink? Maturi-Tea


I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material. >!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<


When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy.... It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”


A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”


Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)


What did the crab name his daughter? Ma-shell


Roses are red, The Queen wears a crown... ...Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!


Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie? It was very graphic!


What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!


A judge is hearing a child abuse case... The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't''Why not?' The judge asked.'Because he beats me too.''Oh my dear boy. Do you want t... read more


French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease.


A sick guy is in an ambulance. He notices that the driver drives right past the hospital and says: Hey, where are you taking me?The driver says: To the morgue.The sick guy goes: The morgue? But I'm not dead yet.Driver goes: We're not at the morgue yet.


When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.


My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.


Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...


So Anthony Bourdain was cremated... Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.


Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking.


Being a writer is enjoyable... But the job of editor is more rewording.


I just bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.


That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours.


Request: biology jokes Hey guys I need some jokes for my biology class to liven things up a bit so gimme your best. ( pick-up lines and puns also acceptable)


What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics


I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain.


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price. I am literally beside myself


What do we call people who have no prefrences about muscle size? They're BiFlexuals.


I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.


If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea." My family don't like me


New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s


Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains? I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.


Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg.


Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget.


"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'"