I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


what did the grain of salt say to the doctor? Doc I think I tore NACL


Why isn't Kim Kardashian allowed to swim on the beach? Because there is already enough plastic in the ocean.


How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family.


Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period? A crash pad


What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl


Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!


My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them He didn't tell me  what to do with those damn letters though.


Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]


If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon.


A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”


I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz. He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.


Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints? Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do


Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory for tossing all the Ws!


That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.


I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".


There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D.


A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."


I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. "Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"You mean 9 months."Ken is 24 months!" Deborah, he's 2."My baby is -26 weeks old!"No, Karen, you miscarried.


What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? “Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”


What do bananas say when they see their grandmother? Hey Nana.


What do you put on a bacon grease burn? Oinkment.


What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew


Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.


i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin ...how is that guy still alive?


If I had a dollar for every girl that thought I looked too fat, By now, they’d think I looked pretty good.


Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".


Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism? To a Hannibal Lecture.


A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it. The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."


PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it.


A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!


Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors.


What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial


My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school She called it “Cutting hedge technology”


Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U.


I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins


Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.


After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.


An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.


Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’


They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.


I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.


2 men discussing why they joined the army.... "I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."


An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people


What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.


Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall' to her. I said "Maybe...".


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says."Oh... who's on your back?""That's Michelle", he replies.


My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-


A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before


Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again


I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "


If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?


So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten


When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant.


Roses are red, Violets are glorious Don't sneak up on,Oscar Pristorius


How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.


It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay but we partied like it was $19.99


What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper? Rough.


I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums." "Erm...what?" she asked.I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."


What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy? A Dick-Tater.


The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush.


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s.


What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His Balls ? Egotesticle


If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman... You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.


The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!


Did you hear about the cheap farmer that let a town starve? He didn't give a crop


Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"He said "I am very hungry"I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.


People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )


I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.


"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler." "I'm sorry?" "I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!" "My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?" "He choked on it."


What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.


The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer


"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name?"Scissorhands"


what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth


Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!


If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.


Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location? Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix911: Can you spell that?Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.


We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.


Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.


I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”


How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.


What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3? That's the wrong hole that's the wrong holeContext: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)


Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks


Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ? A: Just stab it 23 times


LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane.


MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music.


New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!


Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.


What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument? A fine point.


Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more


What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.


I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly. \*boom tish\*


My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad. My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid." They both started laughing.


I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.


A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»


(Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."


How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.


What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more


What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe? He was unable to make a connection to the server


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event? A list of prose in Khans.


I heard wired connections are faster... So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?


I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”


There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it


Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint


A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah. But today is the last day...”


If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."


My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.


What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!


I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.


My dad had an ischemic stroke, and my uncle had a hemorrhagic stroke You know what they say: different strokes for different folks!


Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite.


What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.


I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg


We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial. He was well koalafied.


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?


What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!


Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . . people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.


What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office? Netflix and Bill


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off you won't bring it back"


This is the first year that I have to cancel our family trip on winter vacation to Europe because of Covid.... Otherwise every year we had to cancel because of money.


My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... Do I Keep The Letters?


i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey


Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”


Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!


A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?


When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass.


My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.


Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them


Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."


Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K


I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today. It was like a Brother to me.


Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure


Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.


An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else! He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”


I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors I think he has ereptile dysfunction


I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed.


Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom


My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land It was a very heavy bird den


Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal.


What do you call a voodoo live stream? Twitch-craft.


How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks.


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases. It’s-a-me, Malario.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Close the door, I'm dressing!


What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……'


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician


Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards


I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.


After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel. I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.


Difference between Sun and Bun. Sun rises in the East and sets in the West.......... ............Bun rises in Yeast and sets in the Waist.


I went to a job fair and loudly announced that somebody was either going to have to give me a job or drag me out kicking and screaming. I'm an editor at WikiLeaks now.


Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock... ...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up


I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...


An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."


What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*


Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread? He's in a lot of pain.


My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.


This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea


I don't eat pheasant. Its a little fowl.


Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me I told her that’s terrible for the carpet


What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser


Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌


My friend had twins last month, Amal and Juan When I saw her at the store yesterday she only had a picture of one of the babies on her phone but she assured me, “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”


I was baking the other day and as I was baking, my Caribbean friend came into my kitchen with a slice of cake and asked, "Jamaican cake?" so I replied, "No, I'm making a pie."


What is a dinosaurs favourite deodorant REXona


The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency


Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”


A fork and a knife's conversation Knife: forks are basically  useless.Fork: why? What will people eat with?Knife:with their hands.Fork: you've got a point


What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ? Mango Fett.


Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep.


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)


If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl


A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower"


My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”


If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.


My friend fell off his motorcycle He has brain damage and two broken arms. Why the fuck would anyone let him try to ride in that condition is beyond me...


I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra I was going to call it "Dick starter"


What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins.


Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears.


50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them.


Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota? He was Mini-apple-less!


How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”


I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!


I Just Got Cast In A Commercial! I'm the "before" picture


Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.


I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any.


I took saxophone lessons for six months... ...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? (credit: Tommy Cooper)


Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.


What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul


I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?" He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"


On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.


Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"


What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.


What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"


What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.


What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair


Which one is more brave, a stone or a match? A stone, because it’s a little boulder.


What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change


NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? The joint won't get passed around the entire show.


A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist


How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb none they just beat the room for being black


So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re  deer tracks”, “No They’re  Bear Tracks “ Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train


As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.


A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"


My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book. Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.


Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up


Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!


Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel


The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: "Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"


When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you. You don't want to die of dissin' Terry.


I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.


Why was the fisherman upset with his new property? After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.


"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop." "Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference.""Ah. I guess that could work too."


What is a bus’s favorite food? Children.(Joke created by my 6 year old)


Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis. Returned a sander.


I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair


The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet... "As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing."One in six of them likes it."


I went to Dicks Sporting Goods and bought a heavy bad and 14oz gloves. The checkout clerk asked me, "Do you wanna box for those?" ... Why does it always have to be a fight with you people? Can't I just pay for them and go home?


And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights.


We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man.


What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap.


What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars


Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out


What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries.


What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat? Algorithm


Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad.


On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens.


What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill


A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea. When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.  "Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"  "It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."


A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?" "It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.


When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too.


What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'


What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle.


Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."


So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house.


A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran.


I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon


Two terrorists having discussion in a bar The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.Waiter: Why a donkey?Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.


At the Spelling bee Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.Me: “I-N-V-U-“Judge: I am pretty awesome.


Cattle feed shopping Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended. However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.


Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.


A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."


I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying "I just can't get enough" I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode.


Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.


What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.


What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands.


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".


Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.


What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding? Dam it!


I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.


Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point.


I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.


What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles? Spectaters


[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago...


My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me.


Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan


Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?Kermit the frog's middle finger


BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months


Larry the Cucumber was having trouble. Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".


What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato? You get a Yyama!


A woman wakes up under a cow She says: "one at a time boys"


While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”


A chameleon came into a new environment. He thought to himself, 'Colour me intrigued'.


A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket."Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."


What would happen if Uranus collided with earth? It would be a pain in the ass.


I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.


What’s a computers favourite type of wine Port


My friend always wanted to get run over by a steam train... So when it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.


What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce


What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole.


If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again. It's probably a Fluke.


I take Viagra for my sun burn... It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.


When you apply for American citizenship... When you apply for American citizenship, you have to write a short paper about yourself. Or in other words, A you essay


The newly released BMW M4 had faulty turn signals It took the new owners 4 months to notice


What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans


Fisherman caught the golden shark *Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs.


Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix... Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?


Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes? At the owlet malls


Did you hear about the Binary War? It was a disaster. No One survived.


What do you call british womans periods? Bloody hell.


What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!


I ate five alarm chili last night... ...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.


If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies


A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.


Is this fairground big wheel made of iron? Of course it is! It's a ferrous wheel


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall. "Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!""Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend. "Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."


No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.


I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!"He replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"


I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.


What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.


Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?