What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense.


I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence.


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.


If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name? Rol.exeSorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex


What is squirrels's least favourite month? November


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background". I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".


3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours. Omelette du Fromage


Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.


Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!


I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard


What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King? You take a royal flush.


A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool. Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”


What do you call medicine that you give to pigs? Oinkment


I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon.


How do they make honey in the Middle East? From a shawarma bees


If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...


This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???


What is an orange pith? It's what you get when you drink too much orange jooth.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless


A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation


I speak two different languages Formal and informal


What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night? >!you tap it once and it's gone!<


There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.


What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.


How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together.


Which tree has the least amount of education? A lemon tree


I'm glad the short form of cockroach is roach and not the other way around. I dont think people want to hear 'There's a cock in my bedroom'


A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"


Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".


Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?""Vell, only if you insist " he replied.


What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan


farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty


Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers.


My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate.


I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.


Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... "I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed."I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned."Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"


My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ. He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.


TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit.


What is Alabama's population size? Family size.


What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!


What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.


Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]


How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!


How do you make a 4D printer? Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.


My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years. I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store.


When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book... You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.


I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.


Why do Swedish people love their country? Because they have Stockholm syndrome


Q: When did they find water on the moon? A: When it was waning!


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!


A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.


How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon.


I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...Will be lotion.


Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around


I showed up late for a Zoom meeting... ...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".


Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.


What do you call the game Operation without the batteries? Autopsy


Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!


If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside.


Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue


How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back.


I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.


How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost? Boooooooobs!You’re welcome. Happy Halloween everybody!


Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather.


If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.


They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan... They're calling it "Milk"


Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body


Europe is like a fridge You have the freezing cold part at the top  Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selectionThen down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease


What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events.


I walked into the store and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?" The cashier says "no , we just have plain".


Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving.


Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare


I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place...


I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.


So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...


“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash as he walked out of the STI clinic


I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold


Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial


What is Alabama's population size? Family size.


My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?' 14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff


What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae.


Bruce Wayne became a surgeon. Whenever he carried out a surgery, he always asked the nurses to turn the lights off. This was extremely dangerous and unusual, so the nurses asked him why.He said, "I operate in the shadows"


Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss


Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.


I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball! 4G must've fried her brain.


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year Hers is in February and mine in July


A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... "Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail."  The other asks "how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.""Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"


What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.


When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."


Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.


I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids. You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"


The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.


Zimbabwe's currency is so devalued... That rapper "50 cent" is known as "40 billion dollar"


Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ? He had no guts ....


My mates works on the railway. He does maintenance or maybe engineering....Something along those lines anyway.


It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?


This is a top secret message This is a bottom secret message


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


How do you spot a leopard? You don’t, they come that way


What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.


Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!


I heard wired connections are faster... So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?


My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending. (Condescending means talking down to people btw )


I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"


Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara.


What do you get when you combine a parrot and a shark? Something that talks your leg off.


$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues.


Have you heard of the new thing called a shovel? It's groundbreaking.


I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut.


I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it. If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.


What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ...


What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?


What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them.


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


What is the best country for retired runners? Iran


People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.


Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer.


What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet.


A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?""Hans Muller" replies the German."Occupation?""No, just visiting this time."


Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.


I’ve never tipped a cow. But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.


Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.


Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.


Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics


I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game! You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards.


Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel? Cringing with Babish


The creator of the Sham Wow: A true rags to riches story.


I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy Too bad I'm not funny.


Can't take a vacation.. \- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover.


I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents.


Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.


Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming.


Tomato paste is pretty viscous I guess it’s not very fast paste


Must be strange being Tiger Woods; Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!


This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?


A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television... "How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said


China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat


Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut.


A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online. They arrived today, safe and sound.


A woman goes to a butcher and says "I'll take some pork chops and make them lean""No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"


I've realized that Children are like farts You don't mind them when they're your own But everyone else's are disgusting.


3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends


I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee.


How do they call elevator in China? Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor... And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!


Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)... Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."


Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)


What do you call an argument among Trump's staff? Clash of klans.


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? A: Yeah, now he's a rect-angle!


What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.


What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back That would be truly alarming


How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? A couple calves, an ass,ten little piggies,a beaver,a shit load of hares,and a fish that no one can seem to find!


In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."


What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle.


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly? Because women don’t like premature evacuations


Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system.


What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones.


My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.


I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts


What’s the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut


6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood


I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters.


My mother in law is Spanish My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her.


Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)


What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)


Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is


Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired.


TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest... When asked how he feels, he said "I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!"


Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters? Because then it would be .3048 Meter!Some jokes just don't translate well.


I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs But that’s where I draw the line


Everyone knows Communists make the best bread Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!


Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!


I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.


I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test As a result, I got an absolute zero.


I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.


Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin." That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire.


Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.


I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit


I once dumped a cross-eyed chick. Thought she was seeing someone else.


The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it.


Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He


Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have tortoise that in school.


What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Strokeitoff


Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me.


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob... He said: > Now, let there be Lite.


Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date


What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.


Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot!


Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number. Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.


I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds. I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.


I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!


In Colombia, kids have built a snowman. The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million.


Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!


I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.


What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream.


Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.


What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad.


Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia.


My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.


How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks.


A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...


I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"... The 5th one will shock you!


Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs? Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.


How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater


Why do Nature Valley Granola Bars make good trail food? Because they go fucking-everywhere! When you eat them.


I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear


Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized


Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..." "I'm not kidding."


I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.


My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...


An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.


A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'


A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*


Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.


You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm


What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice


Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax


My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.


A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss


So, I went to the doctor... She asked "What brings you here today?"I replied "My car."And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."


With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.


Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night


By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.


2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking.


Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"


Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog


Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"  Donald replies "No. Iran."


What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke.


I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship [Not removed]


So I went to Iraq for holidays... And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...  Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.  So I called the suicide hotline...  They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.


The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"Cop "How many times did you hit him?Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"


Why do movie companies hire fisherman? Because they're great at casting


I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?


Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.


The photophobiac's power just went out. He is delighted.


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident.


I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?" "For starters," she said, "the h is silent."


my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...


Best Man Speech "My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention."


What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator? Bernie's Handers.


What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork


A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination.


My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.'


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room? *KABOOM!*


What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy? A Dick-Tater.


I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom" It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.


Where Do Sheep Go For Vacation The Baahamas


Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail


On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.


There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.


Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits


My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!


I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.


Why did Lamar Odom give Kobe Bryant a dollar? Because Lamar Odom


What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer? One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM


Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics


If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus. But that's just my two scents.


Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."


Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies.


Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal.


After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu. "Can I ask you something?" I said."Certainly," he replied.I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"


Fowl Play Where do orphaned chickens and turkeys end up?Foster Farms


What is the most philosophical book? The dictionary. It provides the meaning of everything.


I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server


What disease are anti-vax kids immune to? Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.


A kangaroo hops into the bar, the bartender, says "sorry we're closed" The kangaroo says, "I thought you needed a bouncer"*Ba dum tiss*


I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.


Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.


What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them.


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


Did you hear about the cargo ship that sunk while shipping food? Apparently there was a leek in the boat.


February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards.


What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.


I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!


What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John


When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty... I’ll take Nunavut.


Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.


A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless


A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.


Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit


My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”


Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded "I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself".


A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...


The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is? Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!


A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"


What's a James Cagney love scene? When he lets the other guy live.


What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!


How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet.


How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle


When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too.


A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?Because they multiply by dividing.RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.