Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Why aren't koalas classified as bears? Because they don't have the right koalafications.


A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems. The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common." The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."


I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye.


What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass? A protein sheikh.


What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea? Not a Seoul there.


What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file? "Do you want to save those changes?"


What did the policeman say to the condom? "Cover me; I'm going in."


What is oxygen's favourite place? The O zone


PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control! I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky


Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people


Two calendars fell in love with each other They went on a lot of dates


Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means... That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.


I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine... It was a post dramatic dress


A polar cub goes to its mom. \- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\- Yes, my darling.\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\- Yes, son.\- What about aunt Cindy?\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\- A... read more


What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up


Why didn't the number  get into the nightclub? Because he is  square.


The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.


What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin? Oh my gord.


My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted. Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.


I feel that Disney is taking the "Rainforest Cafe" theme a bit to seriously I was just sitting there eating when they bulldozed half of the place down.


I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey But I am scared my inbox will be flooded


The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.


Why did the potato go to the doctor? Because of tuber-colosis


I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt


My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...


My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor.


Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.” Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”


What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.


TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful. It’s part of their compensation package.


A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher


Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he succeeds


My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point


What language do they speak at the center of the Earth? Core-ean.


Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store... Does that make you an iWitness?


Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more


Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said


What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest


What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system


These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages. Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”


I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."


Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.


My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik


If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug So you can your shit together


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good.


What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.


What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!" That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.


What do you call a bee's ghost? a BOO-beeHahaha.. like .. boobie. Plz don't hurt me. I know it's bad


I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me.


Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number.


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again.


My girlfriend is irreplaceable. Wish I kept the receipt now.


What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad? Absent-tea parent.


Two guys want to share a golf cart Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can't share a cart unless you're cohabitating.Customer points to friend; Well, I'm fucking his wife.


What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!


Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?


What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.


Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.


If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? **Ag**stralia


I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again.


You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?


I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!


One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.


Do alcoholics run in your family? No but they stumble around and break shit.


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


Which country in the world has most Parks? Korea


What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)


I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".


Me when bitten by a mosquito Well that bloody sucks


Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said... "No. That's why we want to go to the moon."


there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.


Oxygen and iron are on a date Oxygen and iron are on a date at a karaoke bar and everyone is telling them to go sing. So they say "we're a little rusty but we'll give it a shot"


I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?" She responded "That's because it's an Evian"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?"The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"


Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!


Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa? Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.


Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement “DEW IT”


Why don't pine trees eat salad? Because they're coniferous.


In Leicester City, no one talks about the cold ... ... because of the>! silent "ice".!<  ps: Congrats r/lcfc for winning the FA Cup (:


What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup


How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.


What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center.


Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark? Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet


What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony.


My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".


What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer? One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM


At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”


"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse "When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"


A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.


What did the cop say to the criminal salad? Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.


What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist.


At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." . He enquired, " With whom?"I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."


Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”


What do you call a bike tire salesman? A spokesperson.


Why should you never use "beef stew" as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a "b" comes after it!


I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots...


What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg...


You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes. 1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, "whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?" The pirate just says, "yaarrg its drivin' me nuts"


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.


A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!" The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel."


A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people


Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year


Cow or bull? A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... "This milk tastes funny"


How do you kill the ender dragon You ender


Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is.""I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."


A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting. The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!" "No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!"


What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer


How’d the clam cross the river? Took a taxi crab.


The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?” I said, “I just had to use my keys.”


What are the Avatar elements? Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job? Everyone got tired of his horsing around!


An old man dies and wakes up in a strange ethereal world. The first thing he sees is another old man with a curvaceous young lady on his lap. ‘This must be heaven!’ he exclaims, ‘Is she your reward?’‘No,’ replies the other old man, ‘We’re in hell and I’m her punishment!’


Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic? A mortician Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !


At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint. So much for a clean getaway.


A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.


What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.


What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel? Jew - Jitsu


I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday...


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough.


They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.


Everyday biology pun What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay?photos-and-thesis


What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt.


Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor.


A politician, a farmer, and a doctor walk into a bar. They all exclaim, "Ouch! Who put a bar here?"


I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.


What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.


I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work. I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals


Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den.


Two Gals were sitting at the corner talking ... One saw her boyfriend coming up the street with a bunch of flowers. "Oh great" she said. " Now I'll have to lay on my back with my legs spread all weekend."Her friend replied "Why ? Don't you have a vase ?"


When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"


Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.


What pasta is always getting locked out of its house? Gnocchi!


How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart? You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!


My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.


My mom and I were in an argument yesterday. Her: “you son of a bitch!”Me: “you’re not wrong...”


Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library? They use their Endor voices.


My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over It was a Manuel handling course


I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken.


Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet." So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"    Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.


What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.


Kid: What's that? Dad: It's a henweigh. Kid: What's a henweigh? Dad: About two pounds.


Q: Why are balloons so expensive? A: Inflation.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!'


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music


Americans have a terrible sense of humour I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.


Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!


What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time? A shartcut


Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys... His brother prefers to keep things low-key


A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”


there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt? 10


I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.


Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.


Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?


Jesus was filling in a form. The question was "Do you suffer from Tourettes?" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross.


I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.


Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.


Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor


"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds, "Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."


What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!


A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads "Idaho"


What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”


I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming. As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”


A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack. Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor


How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox.


If size doesn't matter... Then why is my wife's dildo not 3 inches long and crooked?


I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why? Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.


In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal


So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it


The punchline often arrives before the set-up. Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?


Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.


Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts. It was offal!


Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*Suspect: What was it you were saying?


What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit


There was a crow outside my window this morning that would not shut up. Turns out he way had too much CAAW-fee.


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would eventually find me attractive.


What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour


My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar.


I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night.


Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them? They’re pair-a-medics.


I saw a naked old lady I said "You look foxy."She said "Do you really think so?"I said "Yes, their titties are on their stomachs too!"


What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts.


Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is... to be able to post this in a different sub.


[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.


When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."


I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down...


What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k


How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family.


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*


How to you call a pig missing both hind legs? A ham-putee.


So I bought a burglar alarm. Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.


[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while... When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA! GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.


How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones.


Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world.


Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving.


Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn't been made up yet.


If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.'


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.


High School Bully The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser


What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig.


I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain. I got all wheat.


There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs.


I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please" But instead my tounge twisted and I said "You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."


Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny.


My wife's the only person I know that buys so much from Amazon that she needs two shopping carts.


A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?""A turtle" the man replied"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask"Oh, thats just Michelle"


Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... "I see dead people."


What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne


Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers.


I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.


there are no red states or blue states in america. they're all like mitch mcconnell's handssome shade of purple.


An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.


What do you call a male thermometer? A therdadeter.


In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?


I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky KY jelly.


What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?


I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber. He said it really helped him keep his shit together.


I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic


America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.


What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet? Your keyboard.


After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”


My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”


OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot.


If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?


Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?” The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year


What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops.


What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch.


I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession. It was a rehearsal.


I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.


What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola.


They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons: Number one, and, of course, number two.


What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!


What Dandruff Shampoo Does Guy Fieri Use? Frosted Flakes. Thought of this on the ride home and I am still laughing. Sorry for the bad joke, I needed to share.


I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier. Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.


The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.


medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"


Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came


I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn


Good news! This month your wife will nag you less Nothing related to astrology....Because this month has only 28 days


Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses! Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...


Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap.


I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever... But turnover is low due to their low pressure system


Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...


Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.


I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”


Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.


I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!


I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to


The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door. Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"


Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs


Girls be sweating their makeup off at work Call that a 9 to 5


What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous.


A Student Asks to go to The Bathroom.... Student: "Hey, can I go to the bathroom please?" Teacher: "Its may..." Student: "No, its actually November!"


Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may


Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut


The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car. On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes. It was just wrong on so many levels!


I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


Mosquitoes are like family... They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood.


They fired the guy who invented the wheel... He was cutting too many corners.


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son. It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.


My wife crashed the car listening to Adele, She was rolling in the jeep


Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher.


I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer No. 1 will shock him.


What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination.


Self depreciation is my best skill, And I'm pretty bad at it.


Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”


Is that you, Mr. Mosquito? In the flesh!


What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.What do you call a chav in a locked box?Safe.


Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"


Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen


My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in


As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it.


Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. "GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"


Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!


If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room... ... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.


I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate... and everybody brought gifs.


Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks