Apparently Boy George has... ... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.He needs a calmer chameleon


My friend once had a job circumcising elephants Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!


Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.


Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."


The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!


What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers? "I'll be Bach."


I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear


In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?" Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.


My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.


If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code... ...they'd even know my birth year!


What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)


What do you call it when an exclamation mark is having sex? Exclamating


A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”


For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.


A man tells his date A man tells his date “ I work with animals”And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”


Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.


My son was watching me read “War and Peace”, and asked me, “Why is the book so thick?” I said, “Well, ..it’s a long story.”


I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce


I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them


A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?" "Take a seat. We serve everybody."


When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”


Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot. They needed to dust for Prince.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... It's impossible to put down


Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.


After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.


Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019... I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.


Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any naked photos of your wife?" The man angrily says "certainly not". Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"


There's a worsening drug problem where I live. The drugs are getting worse.


My girlfriend said to me "I bet you can't go one day without making a joke about my period" "You're on" I said.


"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.


What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!


Just saw a guy wearing a shirt that says “Truth + God = Life”... Thank god I’m good at math, Truth = Life - God


What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts


I live under a 4 million dollar roof. Bridges sure are expensive.


Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me.


Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl? She was shellfish.


I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.


What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)


I like jokes, I like air conditioners, but jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.


My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her


What's another word for a mattress? A loaf of bed.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!


Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper.


What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.


What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


Me: I'm afraid of random letters Therapist: you are?Me: "screams"Therapist: Oh I seeMe: "continues to scream"


What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language


I went to high school with a kid names Stains The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”


My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail. He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.


How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow


A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter" *He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."


Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.


A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.


What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet


What rank do you give an incompetent policeman? Defective Inspector.


What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry


I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.


What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves.


I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer.... But the printer always jams!


What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel? Nutflix. From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.


A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field


What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín


A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down! Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you.


"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds, "Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."


In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth.


Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'  The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'


I tried experimenting on roots Trying to grow strong plants to survive in harsh environments. I gave one water, and the other steroids.A root didn't stand a chance against b root strength


I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day... When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.


I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."


Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


We never make mistakes. There was an incident a few years ago where I was sure I had made a mistake, but it turned out I was wrong.


A salesman knocks on a door... A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, "um, are your parents home?The kid says," What the fuck do you think? "


I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.


Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!


When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting. Good thing none of those things actually exist.


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety... He says it clams him down.


"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?" No thanks, I gave at the office.


I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.


My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise.. I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet


I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing


If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.


Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”


What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.


Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?


The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}"Yellow?""May I speak to Mr. Brown?""Please white while I transfer you."{pink}


I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.


How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!


One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!


Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.'


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops.


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.


Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way


What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf? This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!


My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.


Asked my French friend if he played any video games He said "wii"


Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly


What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down? I’m really on the fence about this one


It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?


In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country.


I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet


Why did blonde had lipstick all over the steering wheel ? Because she was trying to blow the horn


Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."


Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.


If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist.


What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present.


I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.


What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.


What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.


I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents.


You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go


How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.


A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.


A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf. When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing.  “What happened to my 12th juror?”  The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”


Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted.


A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions


My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )


I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.


Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white


I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts


What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks.


What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray.


I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all


I asked my friend how long it would take to perfect my David Carradine impersonation They said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."


In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed


I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest


What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on the top of a hill? Egg rolls.


What do you tell Drake if he says something stupid? Ok groomer


Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high


"My last name is Smith, because my dad was a blacksmith." "My last name is Fisher, because my dad was a fisherman." "My last name is Dickinson, and I dont like this game"


A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how."  Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."


What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage? Dumbolaya


What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face


What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma.


What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions


I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms. It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.


Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!


One farmer asks another \- "Are your cows smokers?"\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"\- "Then your barn is on fire."


The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class. She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"


Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve.


I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, "I didn't know it was on fire."


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? "No thanks, I'm traveling light!"


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? "Supplies!"


Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!


Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.


We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids.


What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


Kathy: "Wow, you have really gorgeous hair." Chandler: "Thanks, I grow it myself."


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet


I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here.


I'm seeing this girl and she redecorated her bedroom and I really don't like the new look. Should I tell her? It's kind of an awkward conversation starter from someone she has never met.


Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.


Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study? The Hippocampus


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does! My parents are a great example, they made me


Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday


An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."


You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks...


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ... In the other hand, however.


What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician? Violins is not the answer.


Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!


I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting.


What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry


In Soviet Russia, you rob bank In Capitalist America, bank robs you


What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed.


Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder


You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby...(Anthony Jeselnik)


The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.


What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer? A shhhhh-kabob


After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"I said, "That's the point."


What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies


Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.


It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers. But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.


A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"


Biology Joke Biology teacher:
Can anyone name a disease?

Student:
I can sir.

Teacher:
Well done. Whose next?


If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside.


It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy.


What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins? The coins are the only thing heads up...


There's a new game called "Silent Tennis." It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.


What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh.


Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons.


Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!


My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order.


I asked my cat, "how are you?" He said he was, "feline fine"


It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic.


I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper


Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone.


I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.


What do you call a potato that wears glasses ? A Spec-tator


what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador


Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*


I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long. I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months


My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists


Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews... only 1 star!


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead.


Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!'


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.


(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it.


How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!


Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done... ...with the first one.


I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC.


Honesty is the best policy But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.


All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.


My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!" Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.


My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator


Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.


A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood. He really had to shell out for that place.


I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane


I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps? He says “No, it kills them.”


Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane? Turned out to be the 'swine flew'


What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.


Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew? Because it was stew-pig


Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery.


Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things


A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”.


It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!


I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved.


I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually. So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this.


How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew


A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”


Do you like Dead Pan jokes? Well that's good because Neverland is just purgatory for children.


What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.


I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years.


Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars


I got in touch with my inner self this morning. That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper.


No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.


How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? 87. 1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.


The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks


What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their wayCredit to /u/MolecularAnthony


I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place


Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss South Africa." So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: "I hope this helps."


I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.


What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.


A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..


Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.


What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang


I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019. I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.


Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist.


Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it


What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker


Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."


What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger? One can survive the Winter.


I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."


Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.


I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'


What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island.


Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.


Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Q: Why don't astronomers like Orion's Belt? A: It's a big waist of space.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.'


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.'


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.


When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?


What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)


I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest


Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress? Am I what, son?


I saw an amazing picture of a printer on r/funny It was inkredditable


What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons


What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.


You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.


How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots


Why can’t you beat the Mandalorian in a race? Because he has the beskar


Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather.


A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”


A dsylexic man walks into a bra Read it again if you didnt get it


Theoretical duck What did the duck say after it split the atom ?Quark ! Quark !


I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird


I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare


A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."


A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.