I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.


When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]


A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.


A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina" The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"


The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe


Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!


I just bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.


It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... "I'm scared" said the little girl."You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"


What do you call a person who hurts instruments? A sax offender


My friend got tired of being locked up at home. So we locked him up inside of a casket instead.


A mosquito landed on my balls Hardest decision of my life.


Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods.


What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common? My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.


What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co


We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021


Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.


I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.


Can i see your report card ? Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"Son: "I don't have it."Dad: "Why?"Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."


First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish


I just put C4 in my washer And blew my load


When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"


I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"... The 5th one will shock you!


Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.


My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.


When your date shows up in a white suit that's covered in honey... You know she's gonna be a keeper.


Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."


Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.


My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.


I was flipping through the channels.... and my wife asked was on the TV. I said "dust"And that's how the fight started.


What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed.


I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”


My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.


Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase.


I was baking the other day and as I was baking, my Caribbean friend came into my kitchen with a slice of cake and asked, "Jamaican cake?" so I replied, "No, I'm making a pie."


A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent.


Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.


Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand, With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass


What do you call a one-legged woman Matiltda


My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland. They're my 'O' tools.


I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.


Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut


Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny


Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees... Introducing: The KGBT


A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("


What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents


Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery.


Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74


What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance.


I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet


I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, "Don't worry, it'll grow on you."


A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'


What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.


How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!


To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. "I won't stand for this"


Why do orphans like to play tennis ? Because the ball comes back


Popcorn, ice, sand, water is my bucket list. What's yours?


What do you call a person that sells cow poop? An entre-manure


What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.


Who does Santa listen to when he's out riding in his sleigh? Elfis Presently


I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top. My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"


If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type. They're all .jpigs.


Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first.


I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song.


Why did the French actor jump into a river? Because it was in the scene!


Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution? Because 3k is racist.


My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him


Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!


2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."


Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.


Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."


They should put more wine in a bottle.... So there's enough for 2 people.


In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded... I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.


My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke... "SHIT!"


What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments


I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"


What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus


What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events? Die or Beat Us!


A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.


What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel? Plain


What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common? ...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican.


What is it called when you get aroused by jumping through windows? Autoerotic Defenestration


"Windows was unable to establish a network connection" "would you like to go online to find further assistance?"


Let me tell you the story about the chicken that breaths throught it's asshole... One day, it sat on a rock and died.The end.


What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!


I got arrested today I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though


A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”


My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg...


A fat girl was wearing a T-Shirt that said "Guess" on it So I walk up to her and say "385"


A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged


What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet? A YouTUBER.


I have trouble admitting my mistakes It's not my fault.


Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!


My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment? I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."


Christmas cake recipe **Required Ingredients:*** 1 cup of water* 1 cup of sugar* 4 large brown eggs* 2 cups of dried fruit* 1 teaspoon of salt* 1 cup of brown sugar* Lemon juice* Nuts* 1 bottle of whiskey**Preparation:**Sample the whi... read more


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar.


When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with, but I couldn't pick a side


what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)


There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents


You wanna sell seashells by the seashore? Well that’s a lot easier done than said.


I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep.


What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you.


Went to the corner shop - bought four corners


Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. '


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."


People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot


FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio. Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.


What is a hipster's favorite element? Fe, because it's so ironic


3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends


Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group.


Crocodiles. He hate them. Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.


Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.


Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.


What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab


Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources? No hom(e)o(stasis)


Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


Question: “How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer: “Seven. One to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.”


What's the fastest form of communication? Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.


What's the one currency superman can't hold? Kryptocurrency.


What's the worst part about having a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm


I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.


What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement? Not enough cement


I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium. It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted.


A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out." "Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."


A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion.


How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories


A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, "Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?" She searches her computer and says, "I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet."The man says, "Yes, that's the one!"


AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub


Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.


I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.


A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters." Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!


This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me Iran


What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station.


What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender


What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet


A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.It was a brief case.


Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it." That's just generally speaking.


there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.


I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.


Where do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!


What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!


What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? A fizzician!I’ll see myself outEdit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...Thanks for the gold and silvers!Happy New Years y’all!


What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is


2 men discussing why they joined the army.... "I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."


When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside? European!  This was one of my dad's jokes


Why was the ghost depressed? Because it was a nobody


Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights


Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend? He’s shellfish


We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.


Last week I fucked my sister in law This week I fucked my brother in geography


I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


The recipe said, "put the stew in at 180 degrees", so I did… Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…


The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.


Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies.


I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets.


A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks "What's so funny?""Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.""Care to share?""Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it".


They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger.


My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money. He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:“I followed the con-text clues.”


An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling . During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.They were just beating, and beating and beating.


A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!


A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell. And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!


One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”


I smoke weed in all kinds of weather I just dont in hail


Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.


My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.


Turn around (Found my 18 year old diary. This is what I wrote in it) What do you get when you turn wolf around?Flow.What do you get when you turn star around?Rats.What do you get when you turn shit around?Dirty hands.


If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.


I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.


Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?


England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....


Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging


What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)


Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.  It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!


How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater


The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air. He must be a sportscaster.


I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green.


scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!


Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back.


Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person


I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius. Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.


My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up "Enimem-rap god"


What do you call a misbehaving glove? A badmiton


What’s the highest form of flattery? A plateau.


What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year Coalrona


I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard.


My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth


What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse


I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce


My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen.


My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope.


-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.


LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now


I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer... ...But she didn't give a shit


My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!


I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it.


There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles.


Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... "I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?""Yale," replied the young accountant."Such a grand university - what is your name?""Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.


Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing


It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."


I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction


I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.


Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work.


Q: Why are balloons so expensive? A: Inflation.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.'


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today. God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.


My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.


Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget


Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else.


What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME.


A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.


I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.


I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing


What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get? A tramp stamp, and it says, "No postage necessary if nailed in the US."


When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there.


I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con


What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!


Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas? They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.


My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway... Do you think she might be a pervert?


What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.


Which song would an exception sing? Can't catch me - Avicii


What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus


A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts. It was a tit-for-tat situation.


Which is the longest toilet in the world? Indian Railways


Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! "Sharon, please send in my next patient."


I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair


What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’


My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".


An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?


A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book" The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"


To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles. In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair


What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts.


Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs.


I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world.


Why do motorcycles fall over? Because they're too tired.(Told to me by my 5 year old).


Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss. Me: Is it contagious?Doctor: Is what contagious?


Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)


A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers. He was fired for trying to take a byte.


Having your period on Valentine's day Is a pain in the ass


A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”


Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March.


You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up.


r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore... Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.


What do Australians say when they play chess? Check, mate!


My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!


(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”


Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.


February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer One / two / one two three four!


What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken.


What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get? A tramp stamp, and it says, "No postage necessary if nailed in the US."


I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.


I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.


Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."


Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.


What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ? Because they drank it all


If your election lasts more than 48 hours, consult a physician.


I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora." It means a lot.


French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.


Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession


I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet. Shit got dark pretty fast.


My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.


Roses are red Roses are red Violets are blue Sugar is sweet And so are you.The roses have wilted The violets are dead The sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.


My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form.


I wish Reddit had read receipts... so I can see who I just disappointed


What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth? Residude.


Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever... But turnover is low due to their low pressure system


You wanna hear a geography joke? Bob : "Hey Tom if you're Hungary I'll Serbia a Turkey Sandwich"Tom : "Oman that was a bad joke"Bob : "Yemen I know"Tom : "You Syriasly need to stop with these jokes..."Bob : "But Iraq at making jokes :("


Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump? T.hanks


We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls - Sharon is Karen.


A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"


Why did the scarecrow win an award  Because he was outstanding in his field.


We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway


Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.


A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel.


What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama? Relative Humidity


My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs. Said the place would be crawling with pussy.


I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!


I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters.


What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny


A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”


Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.


People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless.


Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk? They're calling it Dunkirkland


Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! "Sharon, please send in my next patient."


I have some wire frames and a curved lens. Is that anything to make a spectacle of?


What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money? Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.


I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… The servers are currently down...


accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.


I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.


I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.


If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive


Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music! Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo.


What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t


What do you call French people who like manga and anime? Ouibs.


My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.


TIL that the "o" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts


Where does Luke Skywalker like to vacation? The HimaLeah


What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful = Against the lawIllegal = A sick bird


Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area.


A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.


Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire.


I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.