Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra.


Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked.


Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.


I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla Ice creamed


Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk." Talent agent: "Prove it."Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"Dog: *Rough, rough!*Guy: "What's on top of a house?"Dog: *Roof, roof!*Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*Talent agent throws them out of his office.D... read more


Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies... But he's never gonna give you Up.


It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.


I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple Apparently I’m Plum Crazy


A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says."Oh... who's on your back?""That's Michelle", he replies.


What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane? “I’m sending my thots and prayers.”


Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like."Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have," he says."Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel."


So my friend told me I had a really bad sense of direction the other day I hate to admit it, but he was left


I heard Macy's is selling this new perfume that has that "new Tesla smell" They're calling it 'Elon Musk'.


I got a tattoo of a gong Because I heard it's cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese cymbal


What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility? Psycho-paths


I am dating this half korean chick I am dating this half korean chick Her mom is korean And her dad is korean But her legs got ripped of in a car accident


My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, “where did that come from?"


If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!


So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork She then looked at me puzzled and asked, "who fucked the stork."


Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction


A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"She smiles and says, "Yale."He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."Rodney Dangerfield


I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie.


I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.


My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.


A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even own bikes


I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”


I was going to make a Star Wars joke today... But I didn't want to fourth it.


I will not drown if i ever stuck in floods, Guess why? Because I am dead inside.


Robert died... He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as  footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak.


Why did Calvin’s dad insist that Calvin play D&D? It builds character


Why can't most sharks and whales read? They are not part of a school


A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets "Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?"Until the woman responded: "Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley"


Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.


Dickens: I wrote a book about ghosts **Publisher:** we need a christmas book**Dickens:** *[adding, like, 4 words]* I wrote a book about christmas ghosts


Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon.


A polar cub goes to its mom. \- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\- Yes, my darling.\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\- Yes, son.\- What about aunt Cindy?\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\- A... read more


Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank... Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named


Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.” Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”


Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)


"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"


Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted He's never right


I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”


The best bakers use real butter so . . . . there is no margarine for error.


Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still... (•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)In *da* pendent


Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians


Two sharks are eating a clown One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”


What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!


How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!


What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off.


What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid.


What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.


Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter.


I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


You can't spell par entry without "try."


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver.


I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction. I'm Lacoste intolerant.


A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo


Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal... He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.


I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."


What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho.


Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....


My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".


A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before


I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym


What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo


My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop. I think it's a huge setup.


Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.


After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name. Unfortunately Iran was already taken.


I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens. But it was in poor taste.


What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle.


I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?" He frowned. "What is it?""Hopscotch," I replied.


There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called "Accessories To The Crime"


What do you call an artist who loves making stew? Stewart.


Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings? The solution is always right around the corner.


You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.


Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan? America already bombed the schools.


What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank? After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.


I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, "Are you here for my daughter's hand?" In the interest of being honest, I replied, "I'm mostly interested in her vagina." He was taken aback so I quickly added, "but in a pinch her hand'll do the job."


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!


Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes... trying to read a billboard a half mile away.  When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision".


Women are like numbers If they are under 18 just do them in your head


One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad.


How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes.


Which rapper has the worst perfume? 50 scent.


What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual.


The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'


My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.


Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.


A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"


Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"  Edna:  "If you ask him nicely."


I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield


One day, a zookeeper is walking around the zoo when he sees a man throwing $20 bills into all the exhibits he passes. "Why are you throwing money into those cages?" asks the zookeeper."Because that sign says it's okay," says the man, pointing to a sign.The zookeeper looks up at the sign. It says, "Do not feed animals. $20 fine."


Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"


You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper


The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg


How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.


my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...


Did you hear about the circus fire  It was in tents.


Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly.


On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”


A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?""A turtle" the man replied"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask"Oh, thats just Michelle"


Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq


A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is behind it? A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is in it?The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?


What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation.


"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."


Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? A: Yeah, now he's a rect-angle!


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!


What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And?


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


Masturbation hurts. Signed, Edward Scissorhands


Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second.


If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.


Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?" I said it was kind of a grey area


Two cowboys are stranded in the desert... One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs towards the bacon tree... As he reaches the bacon tree he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree... It was a hambush


What do you call a whale without underpants? Free Willy


My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."True stories can be jokes too..


Where do toy stores keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures? Aisle B, back.


What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.


Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”


I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months... I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.


So I was going down on my grandmother and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?


Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury


You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon.


The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


What do you call a a really good fisherman A master-baiter


Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan


Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.


I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White. The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.


Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!


Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy... For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.


What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.


My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though.


I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.


I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship.


A bride brought an AK-47 to her wedding, hoping no one would realize that she was dangerous. She was a veiled threat.


A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins? Because half of them are coppers.


Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears.


Why do they play baseball games at night? Because the bats are asleep during the day.


Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere


It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news.


How do drummers ask if they can take a break? It’s quite simple“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”


Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages??? Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.


How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet


Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer.


A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake He asked, “Will it be long?”The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”


A man filled his a mine cart with fresh ore and pushed it out of the cave After a long day of work, he decided to play some sports with his friends. There was an accident, which caused the man to die.This shows that miner errors can have huge consequences.


My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore.


Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew.


My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie.


How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk.


“I love working with animals” he says to his date. She replies, “wow I love a guy who is an animal lover! Where do you work?”He replies, “i am a butcher.”


Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder.


Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals.


What do you call a chicken that is a ghost? a poultrygeistIll be taking my downvotes in advance thanks


The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.


I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February. edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.


Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead.


Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.


A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!'


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.'


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time.


Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.


DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."


What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two.


What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada


If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22... Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.


I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I? Banned from the supermarket.


What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother


What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease? Game of Crohn's


I went for a job as a contortionist... They asked, "How flexible are you?"I said, "Well! I can't do Thursdays."


I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached


Monday Science I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…Needless to say, I am beside myself.


Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!


I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.


A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.


I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.


In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's


I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out. They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.


I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.


What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!


So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.To which she replies "No, it kills them."


What does Barack say to Michelle when they're getting adventurous with their House of Cards roleplay? "Let me be Claire."


Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...


Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins.


Two pigs are sitting in the sun One says: “I’m getting pretty hot!”The other says: “Yeah I’m bacon!”


Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.


There are two forms of English The queen's English and spelling mistakes


With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen... Now that's just taking the piss.


I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly.


Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade? He had a bison.


Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging


A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.


How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.


If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.


What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**


Hey did I tell you I need to get stomach surgery? I'm kinda nervous because the surgeons name is Dr Hans R. Shakey


Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.


I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them


The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me."Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."


What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.


What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer.


So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD.


Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot" "The president is an Idiot" he yelled You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China" Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"


What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia


How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind


What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack


Why was the pancake arrested? Unwaffle activities


My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."


Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


The only reason I went to Wimbledon was because I heard it was a women's singles event.


Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? '


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band.


A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.


Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!


Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.


As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.


I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.


Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match? ... because you usually win with a riposte!(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)


Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!


My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut.


I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon.That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.


I've never seen a cross dresser. But I've seen some very irritated credenzas,


A man walks into a library. "Hey! How much for a hot dog?" He asks the librarian.The librarian says, "are you crazy? This is a library!""Oh, sorry about that." He answers."^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?" ^He ^whispers.


My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.


How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item


What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw? You can tune a chain saw.Alternate answer: vibrato.


I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat Just hit subscribe.


A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.


Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.


I tired googling about LGBTQ today just couldn't get a straight answer.


Why are atheists bad at exponents? Because they don’t believe in a higher power.


I thought chiropractors were a big hoax But I stand corrected.


What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common? They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.


After just 2 days..... ...... I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.They gave me a £3 million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”


My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.


Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro you were there wtf


Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents." So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.


The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."


My drug test came back negative. My dealer has some explaining to do.


How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it... And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.


Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell


Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!


Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny


Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: "Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"


My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew


I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and.... Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.


Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.


What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut? A LUNAtick


What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch.


I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer.


What do you call two nintendo fans doing incest? Super smash bros


Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe


I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn".. Stupid firemen.


Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind.


I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon.


Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents


A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.


I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.


Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe? He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it


Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me.


I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to like it.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!'


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


"Why did the turtle cross the road?" "To visit the idiot!" ... "Knock knock" ... "Who's there?"..."The turtle, you idiot!"


I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet Number 7 will shock you


Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat? Because the goat was bleating out too fast.


Why is suicide illegal in china? Destruction of state property


What is the most mediocre element? So-Sodium


I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free


What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest


My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”


So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"


I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels.


Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.


What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack


"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop." "Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference.""Ah. I guess that could work too."


Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods.


The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ..."This is the whey"(Sorry)


What's an owl's favourite drink? Hoot beer!Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P


What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'


Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!


What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow


Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium? Because it's always NA.


A guy is having a check up at the doctor's... "Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?""I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in  Uranus right now""I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc""Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"


Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers.


Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole


Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned


I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.


Yo mumma’s so fat The ocean beaches on her.


What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time


What is A criminal group of kangaroos called? A Gangaroo


A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, "ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!""HEY!" someone yells out.  "You watch your mouth!""Why?" the guy challenges.  "Are you a lawyer?""No, I'm an asshole!"


Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . . Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.


Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake


Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?" Spoon: "That was no ladle.  That was my knife."


I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe


This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?


You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender


So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.


When my girlfriend came home covered in honey and stings I knew she was a keeper


I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?" apparently it wears thin after a while


Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager.


I lost my job as a surgeon. Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.


What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web? A TORtoise


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough.


What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball? a lil pitchy dog


I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly. One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."


My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling.  😊


Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply


Rumor has it that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decided to team up with NASA to fake the moon landing together, but to make it look as realistic as possible, they urged NASA to film on location. Compliments of Neil De Grasse Tyson


My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”