A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find. "Excuse me miss,  I can't find my wife.  Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".


What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ? Piiig.


Everyone knows Communists make the best bread Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.


What remains stationary no matter how hard you push? The envelope.


You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends but you can't blow your friend's nose


You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked.


Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut.


I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew.


What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.


Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer.


What do you do when your dog has the blues? Give it a saxophone.


what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.


What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.


What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak.


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.


There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.


my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious.


My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him... "You are what you eat."I've been a d*ck ever since.


My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"


My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog.


Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU


John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila


Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!


Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked


What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.


A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food.


How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.


There's a trick to eating hot air balloons. They're really good when you get it down.


There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border


What did cupid play before the harp was invented? The heart strings


My cat loves to step on my keyboard Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbgFtgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT cBzzca v  CD gen dmath


Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community.


Where do you find giant snails? On giant's fingersI'll see myself out


John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore. Such pear pressure


Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap


I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”


What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle


I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before.


I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory Unfortunately it folded.


What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!


A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"The guy says "looking for me"....


Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming


Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...


6000 languages in the world And you chose to talk shit


I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"


What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors? A reptile dysfunction.


I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd. Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.


I needed some change in my life So I decided to start a coin collection. I know it seems odd but it makes cents to me.


Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.


In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."


Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis.


A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"


Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...


What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Sir or Madam,Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies.  We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.Sincerely,The Internet Provider


My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.


There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono


For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”


I'm not saying I got too excited when I kissed that saxophone player... But I jazzed in my pants.


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise!It was an Apple, but with limited memory.Just one byte, and everything crashed.


A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman? Kick him in the snow balls.


Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.


Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...


My uncle got rich the American way He tripped over things and sued people.


Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'


Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light.


Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.


What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.


Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.'


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.'


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass.


I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.


I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer.


I like to name my hotdog "The Moment"... ...so I can relish it


The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them In the end, time wounds all heels.


A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was... "Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!""And why is that?""They're really putting me through the ringer!"It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup.


Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have .


I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something.


I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag.   The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office.  I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting  furniture.  My nightmare continues.


What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out.


What do you call a girl who is laughing on her period? A happy cramper.


Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks


What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs


The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet... "As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing."One in six of them likes it."


Which knight had a special way of standing during sex? Sir Cum-stance.


My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.


My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins.


Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin.


I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses...


What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife? Domestic violins.


What do you call a dinosaur with a strap on? Pegosaurus Rex


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!


Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do


I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.


Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.


I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park. The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis. ....So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.


What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood


A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.


Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!


I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting.


I got my balls stuck in the wheel while I was driving again It drives me nuts every time


What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children.


I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.


There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars


I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.


In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... "Because they make the toys."


I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.


I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art. It's called, "Mime and Punishment".


They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic.


This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?I'm feeling Lost.


If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman... You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.


How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach.


Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.


Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me. Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.


A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"The guy says "looking for me"....


I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... "You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe


Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.


My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!


What do witches call their garage? A broom closet.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people-the student, his mama, and his pauper.


I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?


A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up


Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.


Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood


Abortion is now illegal So... I guess I’m an antivax parent


Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?


Who can beat captain America? Captain Vietnam


What kind of math does an Owl like to solve? Owl-gebra.


Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future


Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!


I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry He has selfie steam issues.


It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover


[OC,not a repost] What do you call a Chinese farmer working far away in a field ? Far"ming"


What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar.


Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant.


An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says "I can't serve you without ID."


What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag


While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered "You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow." "Thanks," said the doctor, "I've just never seen a vagina this ugly."


When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there


My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now.


What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish


I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.


Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists.


I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.


I bought my son a drum set today My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions


What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count


BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months


The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.


I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I got tired of labor manuals.


What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time


Did you hear the one about the gorilla with a food fetish? It's fucking bananas.


Ferdinand the Bull was on one side of a fence Elsie the cow was on the other. She winked at Ferdinand. Ferdinand snorted and jump over the fence."I'm Elsie the cow. You must be Ferdinand the Bull.""Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."


What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing? Out of bounds.


The punchline often arrives before the set-up. Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?


I used to say jokes out loud when I was a long jumper. One day I crossed the line.


I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.


What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke.


Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes... I told him not to beat himself up too badly.


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet.


phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.


If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys.


In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously


A science teacher tells his class... "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."


Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin.


For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.


Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one.


What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)


Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery? -Well, that was an eye opening experience.


Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex. Doctor- I am.


A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”


You ever heard of silent tennis? It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.


There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past.


The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea.


Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.


What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.


What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.''


What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.'


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “Nobel, so I knock knocked. '


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


The rotation of earth really makes my day.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I said, "No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine."


What did one nut say as he chased another nut?  I'm a cashew!


Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams? Redditors are always looking for better servers.


Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing


Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!


I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia


Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.


A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon.


When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ... I think they were an item.


Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined.


My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.


I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!


Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming.


Just say NO to drugs ! Well, If I'm talking to my drugs... I probably said Yes.


At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)


One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw


Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


A book just fell on my head And I’ve only got myshelf to blame!


Biology is important It’s a matter of life and death.


A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”


A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me "Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"


For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied


How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs? Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.


My niece’s joke... First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!


I have a James Bond bank account It reads as follows, 0.07


i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey


If I lived in medieval times, I’d be a tavern guard. I’ve always been known for my Inn-Security.


Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering She wasn't Aladdin.


What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three HOs


The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy.


I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until I looked in her closet There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me.


How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews.


You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box? Now it's their time to shine!


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!


Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area.


What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood


My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.


Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon.


From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations... Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined


What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.


What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!


I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.


Why didn't the chef finish his stew? Cause he was too busy stroganoff!


A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.But they’ll be 0K.


A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads


Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high


Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?


I was about to slap a mosquito that’s still in the middle of sipping my blood... But then I realised that we have exactly the same blood in our bodies. We are family now.


Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into." Therapist: "A void."Me: "Good advice, thank you."


Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble.


What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."


Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.


Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”


To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.


“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.


As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time.


My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction.


What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? Sir


Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap.


Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail? It was charged with battery.


My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again ..


Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P


In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it "Monday"


A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. . . . Time to celebrate!


My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother which is niece


A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"


Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street


Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps? Because he is an outgoing male.


Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20


I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down...


How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles


I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap. She was way too clingy.


A german visits France... and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:- Name?- Albert Schmidt.- Nationalite?- German.- Occupation? (In a French accent)- No no, just visiting.


If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?


“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”


Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*


"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.


Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid.


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


It is not polite to call people White Trash The proper label is white non-recyclablesYeah ok it's not great but it's what I got


For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better Wanda must be one lucky lady!


I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory.


Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot.


my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean she said there was already too much trash in it.


How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action


Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him.


My father was a nun I never actually saw him go to work, but whenever he was asked to fill out his occupation on a form, he would put: nun.


If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society... I would have a small loan of a million dollars.


They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.


I retired from rock drumming, but now I'm back! Repercussions


How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb? Three.One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder.


What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? "No thanks. I'm not into roll play."


Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.


Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.


What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid? Incello.


My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard...


How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it... And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.


Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.


Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula? "Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?""No- wait, Dracula?""Yes!""You're vampires?""Yes. We have pamphlets.""Vampires have missionaries?""Where else would new vampires come from?""I assumed you bit people.""There are many h... read more


Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown


What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history? The shovel


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It's called the Plaguestation


Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.


What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.


My 3-year-old son said, "Put my shoes on." I told him, "I think my feet are too big."


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.'


Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. '


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.


I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably...


2 rednecks were talking during their lunch break Trimothy - As soon imma get home gonna take off ma wife panties Bradley - Y’all horny ? Trimothy - Nah , worn them by mistake dis mornin


Thai Girl Last summer, I was sitting next to this  hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did.


You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side.


What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto


How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox.


How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.


There are no skeletons in my closet. The bodies haven't decomposed yet.


Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off


Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby! Mr. Goat : You're kidding.