How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.


What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.'


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!'


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.


I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke.


What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral.


Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death


Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children.

I'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement.


Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!


What do train conductors need most in the world Self a steam


When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit


What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months.


What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!


I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off... But that made him a little more sluggish.


an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.


When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio. Cause it helps me in the long run ;)


I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,   Beating it.....


My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A Dinosnore.


"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!" His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would eventually find me attractive.


How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”


I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "


What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig.


People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.


What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker


What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand


I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die... Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?


What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.


When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer


What happenes when you beat up an electrician? You get charged with battery


My dad used to own a donkey that would draw his cart... ...but he sold it for a horse that did watercolors.


Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.


I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"


What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**


What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy? My Little Phony


What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.


Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper? Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:    *6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*   KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?    DAD: Coz they're assholes


Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it "I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"\-from a colleague


What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel? Jew - Jitsu


What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store? Edit:OMG thanks for the silverEdit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the goldEDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM


If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table They're good at chemistry


An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”


My neighbor got mad and said I've been driving her her husband to drink for the last six months.... What does she expect, I'm a cab driver.


I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day... He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel.


Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air.


2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet.


You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked


What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle


How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant? The ears. Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.


Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm


Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth... is such a first world problem.


What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle


Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


I'll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it.


What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...Absolutely nothing.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.'


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.'


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!


What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic Without dem, it would be a panic.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!


Chemistry Poem Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain.


NEVER fight a cougar Just give her a fake name and sneak her out in the morning


What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make? Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u


Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background? I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are? “Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”


I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”


Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.


One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.


What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


Why do dragons like knights? The come with their own pans.


What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.


Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.


Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you


Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days.


My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most.


Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff.


My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.


Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best I won.


Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked.


If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is... The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere.


What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places.


I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!


What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh.


Three logicians walk into a bar The bartender asks, "Do you all want a drink"?The first one says, "I don't know."The second one says, "I don't know."And the third one says, "Yes."


A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom..."Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.""But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!""He did What? How dairy!"


What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics


What do the French call marijuana? Oui'd.


My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products. She had clear vinyl on her furniture


Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.


China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding


Statistics show that 73% of people don't have enough fibre in their diets. Ah well, tough shit


Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high.....


The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.


Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody.


What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan? The fastest goat in the fucking country


What is the difference between jam and jelly? Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?


What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)


2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying: "He's lion"


I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C" She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"


Which state was Sarah Palin governor of again? "Alaska."No, don't worry, I'll ask her myself.


A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit.


August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.


Someone called me lazy today I almost replied...


A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park. He wasn't arrested for murder, or animal cruelty. His actual charge was for the destruction of government property.


Thank you weight loss surgeons What you do takes guts.


What do actors do when they make a mistake? They react.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." "Oh yeah?" the son retorts. "Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space.


What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.


Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.


Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl? She was shellfish.


My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved.


The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”


What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf.


Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)


(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..


my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial... So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt


Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!


I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson....about brand loyalty._ credits to Anthony Jeselnik


On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes


How did the Jamaican burn his dick? Jerking it.


Professor X: what’s your super power? Me: hindsightProfessor X: that’s not going to help usMe: yes I see that now


They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!


Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way, Would have been knocking boots with his wife.


A couple gets into an argument... The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil."What are you doing?""Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*


What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola.


Why did Jesus never play hockey? He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.


Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.


I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday. He got hooked.


I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"


Roses are red, violets are violet Start getting it right, or I'm getting violent.


TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...


My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit


Why did the Man send back his rabbit stew? Because there was a hare in it


Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the Utter


Did you hear about the huge sale they just had on canoes? It was quite the oar deal.


Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie.


I grilled a chicken for 2 hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.


Pence made sure he was well dressed for the debate. His tie was adjusted, his collar was fixed, his buttons were buttoned, and most importantly... His fly wasn't down


No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2


A shark was swimming around looking for food... ... and he catches a squid.   The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..." The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."


What do you call a wifeless fisherman who can worm a hook in two seconds flat? A master-baiter


My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.


Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.


We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up


All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.


Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!


My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”


What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough.


When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high. Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?


During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.


What’s the difference between school and prison? In school your afraid of the work that’s hard. In prison your afraid of the inmates that are hard.


I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory. I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.


A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated.


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!


Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.


I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.


Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.'


How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!'


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!'


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.'


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.


Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble. Disneyland sucks.


I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes.


I woke up confused and unable to smell I feel like nothing makes scents anymore


Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!


With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city They’re aiming for Kabum


There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.


The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself.


What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more


How do potatoes get to space? Using the starch ship enterfries


What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon? We make a GRAY team!


A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.


I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam. He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”


In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic


I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius. Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.


Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid


Who's Ji-Sung Park's great, great, great, great, great grandfather? Jurassic Park


So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart.


Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"


Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo? No one rhymes with orange.


What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee? You're a nation


what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey


I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges They are hill areas!


I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)


I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!


A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!They named him Ravi O. LeeSorry


In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions” It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.


My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly


Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor? Chris Pratt


My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent.


I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link


My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow.


Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold “Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”Robin hood turned back to the man. “You’re what?”


In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle Alien vs. Predator.


One fisherman said to the other: "Using bait during fishing isn't necessary". The other fisherman said: "that's debaitable".


If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room... ... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead.


How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish


What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter? PEW PEW


I have just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks... Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?


Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison.


Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.


Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates.


Where does wire wool come from? Sheep metal (my apologies)


Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week." "Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"


I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today. He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar


I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential


Why did Neo have to eat his cereal with a fork? Cos there is no spoon


When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source.


A Mortal Kombat character walks into a store.. Employee: "Finding everything okay, sir?"Character: "Yes, I'm just Lui Kang."


I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club.


Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.


Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.'


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.


What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.'


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!'


How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'


How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.'


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.'


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.


I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace." And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"


My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins


Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild. “Are you ready to hear some music??”“YEAH!!!” “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”


When you treat a burn with topical cream but then you wash your hands: “Man, now I have to do that Aloe Vera again”


My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo


We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!


I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”


A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.


An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: "Well that's a croc."


What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss? A conga in an old people's home


Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.


Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point.


Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says"This is the pig I've been fucking"Wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck"Husband says "I wasn't talking to you"


I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, "What does he do when his glasses get dirty?".


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!


Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.


There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past.


If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways.


What do you call a nun on a mobility scooter? Virgin mobile(Credit: TheScrubKing)


A salesman knocks on a door... A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, "um, are your parents home?The kid says," What the fuck do you think? "


I took saxophone lessons for six months... ...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? (credit: Tommy Cooper)


I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too.


So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”


Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you.


What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama.


Yesterday Reddit, Hulu and Xbox live was down Must have been a boring day for the staff at BuzzFeed. They couldn't play Call of Duty and insult each other, watch cartoons or even copy and paste more stories for their website.


I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase.


Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.


A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.


I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead. “Why?” she asked.  “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”


What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.


r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.


I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.


I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer.


A friend of mine bought an old plane, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off.


What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!


Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.


As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized.


Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.


Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”


I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?


UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway. This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)


Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**


MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music.


The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair... The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides.


My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard...


American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.


I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!


It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly. I looked back at them, just as shocked.  After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!


We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.


What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.'


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.'


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!'


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!