Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.


Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


You can't spell par entry without "try."


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.


Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain On the left side there’s nothing right and on the right side there’s nothing left


Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral? The white ones were covered in brake fluid.


Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.


Why is Among Us so popular in China? Because its the only thing that lets them vote


I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.


Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me.


Cat jokes #10 Why does a tiger tell the truth?Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree?Because it was... read more


Wanted: £20,000 Reward for Schroedinger's Cat... ...Dead and Alive


Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd


I’m a Big Fan of Indy Films. Especially “Raiders of the Lost Ark”


What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast? “Get whale soon"


“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me. "Bartholomew." I said."And your last name?" he continued."It's always been Bartholomew." I said.


I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.That was just the tip of the iceburg


[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief? Ding dong ditch.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was Impossible to put down.


I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"


Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.


I heard there was a humvee crash at the Pentagon today. The driver ran into a popcorn cart. There were two colonels crushed.


A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there". "And over there. And up there. And back there."


My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home. I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.


Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.


I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough


What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño.


What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity


What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin


What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement


If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?


I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk. The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”


What do you call cheese that ain't yours? "Camembert", typically. It can be very difficult to budget for the expensive varieties


What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion


Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!


The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said... "Please, just wear your police uniform."


Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired."Nothing at all, boss. I just  finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed."How long did it take you?""Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!


Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?


My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again ..


My calendar has all the dates rubbed off. Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.


My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton? A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.


What do you call a mexican who lost his car? Carlos


Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**


Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen


What do you call a flat earther vampire A no-sphere-atu


At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”


You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture? In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus


I went to make a joke on the Para-Olympic's YouTube channel but the comments were disabled.


What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y.


Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake. What a crepe.


A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.


Once I won..... Once I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd, but apparently that's frowned upon when playing bowling.


Chuck Norris mines crypto currency by hand.


My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.


I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.


A genie asked, "What's your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich." And the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich."


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!


How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!'


My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.'


What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery.


Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar


My wife wanted to buy grain-free granola. I said, "That's nuts!"


Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter.


I asked an employee at the bank if they had any specials or promotions on loans and she said "Yeah! Zero interest!" To which I responded, "Uhhhh, then can you maybe fuckin go find someone who's *interested* in helping me?"People can be so rude.


Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again. My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.


My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.


So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.


Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people


Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry. Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.


I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else.


What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)


What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!


Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems


Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...


This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming, Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?


My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched


My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in.


What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.


Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.


The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project. The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.


HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning.


What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins? A slice of blue cake!!!


What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East? Gaza Strippers


Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.


What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here.


When a John asks a prostitute what he can get for $50... He is asking a trick question.


Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint


A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"Man: "Well, it's a long story."


Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe


Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.


King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.


Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. It’s true.  Current events have made it less attractive.


I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.


Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke


My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats.


" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "


Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut


Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"


A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*


A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”


My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs


I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell.


Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?""Vell, only if you insist " he replied.


I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!


My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China” I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”


Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth... My first non-fungible Tolkien.


Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted.


Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.


My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.


What did the baker say when she won an award? "It was a piece of cake."


Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, "Blubblublubblubblub."


What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked.


Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it.


What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.'


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! '


What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!


How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.


How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.


Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error.


Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.


I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”


I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today There's no plaque


My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic


My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.


What can you find in a dog park at night? Some shady shit.


What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!


An electric toothbrush is basically a tooth vibrator. It hits all the spots..


What is a question word. That's grammatically true.


What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them.


On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.


Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.


what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus


Hey girl are you a slime ball? 'Because you make my piston sticky


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.


Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond


A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May. She spots some berries and asks what they are.„That's blueberries“, he says.„But they're red, grampa!“„That's because they're still green“


I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.


My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik


Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere: Mos QuitoQue SadillaScu BagearSyn TaxRev ErseMala MuteTrypto PhanCano NicalImpo TentSlee Papnea


I hear you, brother \- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!


Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual.


A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.


Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.


How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves? She fell out of a tree.


What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire? A flatulence.


Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more


So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.


A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”


After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.


An O-5, a Foundation Agent, and Doctor Bright walk into a bar. [DATA EXPUNGED]


I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?" "Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."


An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.


Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush... "Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head."Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."


A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?" "Take a seat. We serve everybody."


Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog


Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed.


A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."


Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale


What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos.


I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case


When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.


My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.


What do you call a group of butchers? A meating.


Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake Because it was stuffed


Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. "Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.""We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.""That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!" "You balls are 3 inches from the pin."


What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common? They are both 100% cotton


Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty


What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


Why can't you trust duck doctors? They're all quacks.


How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.


What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on."


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.


If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?


My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.'


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.


If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...'


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.'


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.


I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.


Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week fromMicrosoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.


How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.EDIT:  Thank you for the silver!EDIT AGAIN:  Thank you for the gold and platinum!  I am honored!


What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle


What do a therapist and a septic engineer have in common? They both get paid to deal with your shit.


What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.


A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?"Cum at me bro".\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?"It's bananas"\... read more


My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, "what an amazing car"... And he replied, "yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year".


Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.


I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.


A man was eating out a woman He's almost done, so he looks up and asks 'Ready to have sex'?She repliesYou have my cunt scent


Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.


People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews.. They say its bad Jew Jew.


What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common? They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)


You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before. It never gets old.


I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.


When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.


What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.


The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.


I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.


What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.


I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.


I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said ......."I'm into anal".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said "Animal".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!


Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump.


I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... "You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe


Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.


I only drink on days beginning with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow


Fishing is a great way to recuperate. Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.


Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense? Because they're hanging on to every last word.


I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;  "How do you tell them apart?"  "Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."


Dad, did you get a haircut No, I got them all cut!


My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach "Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"


Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw


I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off.


A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... "I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."


You know that scent of moth balls? If so- you're some weird freak spreading its legs to sniff it.


The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.


I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice” It was a cross word puzzle.


What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven.


We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)


I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!  Sometimes he laughs!


I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings


My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)


If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix. Just reset to olfactory settings.


Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion#3. Japan: 173.3 million#4. Australia: 48 as of last census


Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)Courtesy of my seven year old niece


Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.


What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.


Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on."


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.


What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!'


What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.


What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.'


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.'


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. '


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.


Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat.


Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.


Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!


How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her.


What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders


Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place


Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes


The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???


My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever.


What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony.


What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer.


Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there.


What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases? Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.


Why does China always drive on the left they don’t have rights


People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.


Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you.


Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet? Planet of the Apps.


What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.


I think my brother is actually my step brother Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom


Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".


What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments


I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!


The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros.


Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.


Was holding a crab when it started pinching me My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”


For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.


Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may


How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.I'm so sorry.


I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place


I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.


A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,"Jesus died for your scenes."


When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”


I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?


My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.


In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.


Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife. Neither of them work.


Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber His channel got loads viewsToo bad he didn't make a penny though The channel got demonetized


What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos.


What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute "Range Rover" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]


If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.


What did Barack Obama said to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't want to be Obama-self"


A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."


What’s the male version of a Karen called? I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.


I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke... ...like me.


Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.


Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.


My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now.


Where does a snowman keep his money? In a......snow bank


Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand.


Why did the space rock break up? It couldn’t comet.


How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman? When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!p.sDon’t know where the how came from... sorry for it! Also, it’s my cake day!!!!


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part.


Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing.


What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank.


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.'


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!'


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.'


I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.'


How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.'


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."


A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned.


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"


How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!


How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.


Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay


What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia


Yesterday I farted in a lift. It was wrong on so many levels.


Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan? If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.


A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they're going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: "Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!""Then I'll come pick you up again."


A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit "I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".


What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer


What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see.


How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal.


What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps? Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn't like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)


Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!


Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall


In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive. Just a handy tip.


What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait.


I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie.