There's a fine line... Between fishing, and standing by the shore looking like an idiot.


Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank.


For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.


Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.


I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough


Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans


A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. "It's worthless" her father says"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"


When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore. ... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.


What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick.


What's the deal with scented candles? If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.


a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia


TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is...


My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve.


I taught my son today to play Marco Polo We opened the cabinet and found China.


Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table. But skips Oxygen.


Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man” Until I walked in on him banging the maid.


My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning. It's just his daily poutine.


The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.


I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"


Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... "I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed."I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned."Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"


What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted.


My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet.


What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.


Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.


Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.


My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.'


Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!'


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.'


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.'


I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches…


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y.


What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”


What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!


Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!


My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."


Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!


Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, "Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"


If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?


I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood But just ended up with a load of Splinters.


It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events


What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!


UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist


A pirate walks into a bar The bartender asks him, “Hey, is that a steering wheel in your pants.” The pirate responds, “Ayyyy, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”


Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment


To all those people that say "age is just a number"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word.


I keep thinking that there's a color between blue and green, but there isn't It's a pigment of my imagination.


How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian


When I was in the library, I found a book entitled "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems" So I bought 2 copies.


If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."


after the invisible man had kids he became a cross dresser. You could say he was a... trans parent


No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, "$100 for three questions.""Isn't that a bit steep?" asked the man."Yes," said the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"


I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon


What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.


Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk


Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."


"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree." "I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?""No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."


The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian


Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.


I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984.


What do actors do when they make a mistake? They react.


Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back.


My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.


Went to buy a lighter on Amazon, when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.


I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND." "How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .


Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper? He hates it when it's high ground.


Who is Santa Claus? Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...(San Francisco, San Diego)And "Santa" is used for female saints...(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?


I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.


All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins.


What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.


Did you hear about the Irish car prices? They're Dublin


French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting


My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house


What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus.


What do you call a zipper that keeps snagging your dick? A penis fly trap.


I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner. My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.


What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi


If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?


Who are the worlds fastest readers The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds


What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories? This: Justin.


Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more


Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long.


My wife wanted to buy grain-free granola. I said, "That's nuts!"


When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there.


If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain


I saw a crocodile the other day, but thankfully it only eats cheese. It's an alligrater.


The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!


Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.


Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts.


Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them.


Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave.


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!


Why should you stay away from trees? They can be a little shady.


I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.


What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.


I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.'


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.'


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.


Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.


I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made.


What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.


What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!


What genre are national anthems? Country.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence Then I relized “that would be crazy!”


What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!


Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?" "He climbed out three times - but only to pee."


Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said"Let's put a simile on that face!"


I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.


I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars


What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass.


I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand The only thing he does left is write.


It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!


What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles? Spectaters


I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helpingCredit: Jimmy Carr


My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.


What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more


Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish.


I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed. Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.


I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?" "No," I said."It's to look at."


Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered "Yea Tea".


I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off.


A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.


As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: "This really takes me back".


What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!


Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.


What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet.


I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.


I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out.


Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk


Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that? He quaalluded with the Russians


Why should you never buy flowers from a monk? Because only you can prevent florist friars


What did the mermaid wear to the math class? Algae-braP.S not my own . Reposting someone’s original  from years ago. Kudos to him


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year. Everyone was dismayed.


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


Pavlov walks into a cafe... ...and orders a breakfast. "Sure," the lady says. "I'll let you know when it's ready." After a little while, she places his tray on the counter and rings the bell. Pavlov leaps up and exclaims, "Oh my gosh, I have to feed the dogs!"


What does Disney and Viagra have in common? You wait 3 hours for a 3 minute ride.


One day, you're the best thing since slice bread.... .....the next, you're toast.


In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.


My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.


Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm... He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"


Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced...


What's the most laidback dinosaur of all? The Trankylosaurus.


Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18


How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher.


I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.


Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.


How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet


My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.


A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."


What are ghosts favorite thing to read? BOOks


If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend.


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.


What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.


Why don't you buy things with Velcro? It's a rip-off.


My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.


What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.


Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.


Kathy: "Wow, you have really gorgeous hair." Chandler: "Thanks, I grow it myself."


You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.


Two fish are in a tank. One says, How do you drive this thing?'


Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.'


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'


I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.'


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.'


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.


I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.


What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.


In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?


My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'


Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. '


Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!


Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? '


What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.


How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.


I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.


What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.


Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.


Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.


What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.


Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!


My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.


Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!


A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”


Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


If you send your nudes in a compressed file... ...they have to unzip to see you naked.


Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car? He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins” Guy said “no,  I need you to be here faster.  It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”


What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman? Selfish.


I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.


Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot.


Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says"This is the pig I've been fucking"Wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck"Husband says "I wasn't talking to you"


A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.


I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone.


To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?


Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.


Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections.


Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.


What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry


I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback.


Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.


Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm.


Another Monday Uggggg......Another Monday is near. All I look forward to anymore is laying down and relaxing on the couch after a long day of sitting upright and being tense on the couch.


A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!


I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.


A soldier came home from Afghanistan When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories. “I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”


What's the difference between Cologne and Perfume? Tssp tssp vs. Shhh shhh


“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”


It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are.


If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges" Give it a try


Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"


Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? Because she showed him no interest


Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president


A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”


What was the excuse the closeted necrophiliac gave his girlfriend for missing dinner? "Was out having a cold one with the boys"


What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough...


What does the giraffe say when it bites down a biscuit? A little goes a long way


I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.


You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold.


A joke on many levels What's gripping from start to finish?"The Rock Climber's Guide to Masturbation on the climb"


I just used a Saddam Hussein jelly mould.... I think I've set a dangerous president.


Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."


A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!" The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?""I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"


What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall.


A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.


What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef


Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident.


A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”


Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days


My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time.. is where you put the cucumber.


Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah.


I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.


Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts! All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes


Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather.


Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys.


What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels


What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!


Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.


Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch - Yeti never complains.


Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.


How do trees access the internet? They log in.


I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.


Monica: "Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." Chandler: "How do you find clothes that fit?


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.'


Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.'


Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.


Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'


I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.''


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.


Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time


What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.


Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.'


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.'


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.


To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.


My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!


My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."


I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.


Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls).


What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.


Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.


When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!


Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal.


Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


We set up an event for amputees with amputees. And I was surprised to see... That the people in wheelchairs did most of the legwork.


What not to say in an argument against a bald person? Hair me out.


I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain.


Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"Putin: "No, just visiting."


Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother


What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook


The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost


Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year? It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.


Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.


To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.


"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.


Whats my knee's favourite channel? Dis-knee channel.


Apparently Boy George has... ... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.He needs a calmer chameleon


Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes


A man and a giraffe walk into a bar... They both get pissed drunk and pass out. The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”The man turns and says:“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”


Anyone else ever have their cake day hit them out of nowhere and have no real joke prepared? Yeah me neither.


Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events. This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.


What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls.


Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?" "He climbed out three times - but only to pee."


Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"... So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.


How do you start a Revolution on a budget? Using a Coup-on.


A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"


What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe


Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure


What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common? They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.


My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus? A platybus!


I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss.


Viagra Cocktails Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and DoJack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off DanielsSmirnoff + Viagra - Sperm OffBudweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."


What's it called when a flower gives head? Floral.


So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events... Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.


What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j


A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head. She died.


How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes.


You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!


We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"


I slept like a baby last night. I woke up periodically, screaming in terror and confusion.


Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk.


Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan


Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks Next week, I'll try girls.


What do you call a donkey cleaning your windows An ass wipe


Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19 He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation


John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila


Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each


What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.


My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort. Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.


Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!


3 kangaroos walk into a bar "Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.


"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?" wen moon? wen mars?Godverdomme


I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.


Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. "You know, one would have been enough."


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.


I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.'


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut.


It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.'


Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.'


What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!'


It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.


Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.'


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.


Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!


What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.


What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.


What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.


Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


You can't spell par entry without "try."


When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.


I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.


Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.


In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.


What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.


Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.


Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.


Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…


How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.


Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.


I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.


What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.


Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.


Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs... Wax on, whacks off!


What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.


I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.


Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment.


At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”


When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest... I'm not a fan.


Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”


True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.


What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion? I would've killed for that position lol


My Hindu friend is very peaceful. He has never had beef with anyone.


So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him."Like a glove."


What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common? They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does


I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering


What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape? A Rectangle


I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office I can't tell you how much that means to me


I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place


My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed? Toothpaste


Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet But normally they have only four


Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain. Why is Ice so dangerous?


A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open.


Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: "Dude, i think we're being followed."


The creator of the PDF format died today The good news is we can confirm the Save to Cloud feature has worked correctly.


Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...


One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers. When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.He than left, and never came back.


A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"


LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working” “If your name is Michael, please stand up”  Then a couple dudes stand up  And he goes   “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter  @ cheyrubi


I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.


“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.


I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected.


My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... "STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"


The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums. Guess there’s no hot singles in my area.


Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.


A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.


There's this amazing joke about Saudi Arabia's currency, but I forgot where I heard it Then I remembered that I found the Riyal joke in the comments


How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically


Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March.


What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle.


I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty.


Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.


An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."


A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”


2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!


If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.


I never understood why people hate Internet Explorer and Microsoft Edge so much I am always able to flawlessly download the Firefox Installer using them.


Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.


A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice."


A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"Guy replies "First blowjob"Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"


I went to a self defense course... I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.


What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.


Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods.


Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn't fit! What a huge waist!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.'


I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.'


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump.


Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent.


How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.


I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.'


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.


Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?'


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.'


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.'


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.'


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!


When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.


I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.


What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.


If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?


A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."


I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.


What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!


I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.


What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.