I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.'


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.'


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.'


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean


How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.'


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.


Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine.


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.


At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.


I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.


People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!


During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.


Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.


“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”


Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.


This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles.


I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.


I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.


"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.


Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.


Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.


Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory


I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice. I still give great advice.


What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance


What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.


I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.


What do you call two similar looking pair of breasts? Identities.


This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.


A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber


What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal


The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it.


No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops... But toucan!(First post here, hope you like it.)


For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ... ... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.


“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.Man: But I keep losing my Focus.


Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit.


A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. "Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked. "So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"


A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings.


What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits


John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t


I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, "What the hell is this?" I replied "Net flicks and chill."


I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.


Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place? Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.


NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months. When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”


Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument? Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.


After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...


Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut.


Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank.


China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.


What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password? A battering R.A.M.


Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money


Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan? Because of the Teleban.


I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."


Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.


As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?" The tennis ball replies, "Of course.  I'll bounce back."


I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex. This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.


What do you call a mosquito that is found funny? Malarious


A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom..."Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.""But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!""He did What? How dairy!"


I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.


Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes


How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes.


WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep! 25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.


I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?" I replied, "Fuck knows."


What's the official language of Omegle? ASL


Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.


Blowjob I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head.


If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.


In my home state of Mississippi, it's illegal to do the reverse cowgirl because because in Mississippi we never turn our backs on family.


What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.


My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles yeah, to a degree


What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors.


Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag.


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.


I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.


When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke.


What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!


Why shouldn't you try writing with a broken pencil? It's pointless.


Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.


My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.


What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!


I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… '


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. '


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.


My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.


I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!


I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.'


I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.'


Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.'


I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.


Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!'


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.


How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.


Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'


Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.


What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!


How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!'


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!


I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. '


The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.


My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.


My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him.


What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.


What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.


A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."


Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.


Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!


Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.


What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.


I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!


I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine.


Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.


If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!


A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.


I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!


What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!


A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.


A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.


How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.


What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!


My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”


What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!


have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized.


Did you hear about the circus fire  It was in tents.


I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.


A cannibal invites his friend for dinner His friend says "wow, your wife makes an excellent stew"


Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat? Because the goat was bleating out too fast.


COVID-19 is like a check engine light, at first you're like, "fuck, this is terrifying" But after a while you'll be like, "fuck, I need to get to work!"


Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says "it this whiskey?"The second replies "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"


After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall


If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...


I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle, Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point


I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of.


Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!


A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. "Lettuce in!"


Vegan thanksgiving On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?You butternut squash that!


How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.


I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession, Good thing I suck at self deprecation.


What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser


My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him. ## The judge gave me 60 years!           ### My (other) favorite one liners: 1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.1. French tanks have five rever... read more


I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.


What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry


The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.


A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.


Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million.


How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A.


When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period.


Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss South Africa." So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: "I hope this helps."


My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night


A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence


Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to


What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument? Qatar


A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime.


The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???


What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies


Metric system isn't popular in the United States? Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets


I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?"The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"


What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.


Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets. She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”“$804” she said“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked“Well... everyone...”


What do you call a redditor who copies and pastes dead jokes? A RIPoster.


What do you call a snowman without a carrot? Nobody nose.


Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?


Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out... ...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.


My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.


I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius.


I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?" He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."


Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today


What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia


My friend said to me "what rimes with orange?" And I said "No it doesn't.".


I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.


What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!


How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.


Why shouldn't you try writing with a broken pencil? It's pointless.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?


What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.


(Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."


Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'


What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.


I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.'


Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.


What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.


Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.


What does a baby computer call his father? Data.


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.'


I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.


What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.


Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?


I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.


What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.'


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'


A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.'


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'


What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.


Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.


Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.'


Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.


I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.


I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.


If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?'


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.


How do you organize a space party? You planet.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."


My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf


Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”


What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”


How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.


If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.


Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.


Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.


“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.


Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!


Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.


I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.


What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.


A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!


Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.


What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.


Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


What genre are national anthems? Country.


Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.


What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.


My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!


Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.


Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.


What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.


What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?


I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.


I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.


Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.


I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.


“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”


If you don't get enough fibre in your diet ... tough shit


How did Steve got his lungs injured in army? Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.


Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation


As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit.


A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers. He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.


3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.


2020 has been brutal this year Now it's just Ruthless


I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something.


What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings? Meetless Mondays


What country has the fastest growing population? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.


I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk


The Beach Boys walk into a bar "Round?""Round?""Get a round""I get a round?""Get a round...""Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.


I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.


Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle? It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!


I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon.


The person who created the sign "CAUTION HOT SURFACE"... ...in braille, was an evil genius.


If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.


Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.


Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.


One farmer asks another \- "Are your cows smokers?"\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"\- "Then your barn is on fire."


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.


What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.


Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.


What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer


Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste? Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.I'm sorry.


A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates.


During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..


What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed


what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears


Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research.


What do you call someone who hates brown rice just because it’s brown? A riceist.


I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn.


Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday...


Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive! I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!


I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business


Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam


I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed Gotta say, I'm not a fan.


What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.


Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.


If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it.. Tesla for Men or something like that


My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house. I thought that they created atmosphere.


What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone


An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem.


What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.


A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray


This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!""That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him."Like a glove."


According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\*


Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.


I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.


How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.


I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.


What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.


Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.


I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in.


I kissed a vampire last Halloween. Do you know what it felt like? A pain in the neck


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


What group of people never get angry? Nomads.


Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.'


I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.


I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'


What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!'


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.


What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!


What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.


What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.'


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!


What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.


A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.


What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.'


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.


This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.


Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.'


Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.


Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.


What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.


If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.


People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.


What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.'


My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.


A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.


I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.'


I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.


It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.


When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.


I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.


What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.


How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!


In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!


What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!


The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!


I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”


How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.


How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.


What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'


When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.


You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!


Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.


How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.


What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume.


To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.


Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”


“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.


I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!


Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients.


What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.


How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together.


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.


Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.


Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.


How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”


I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.


What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.


What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


How do trees get on the internet? They log in.


If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.


My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier. I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"


I used to be a roofer.... back when I was shingle.


In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee


(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!


Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does


Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind.


What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy? Play D'oh


I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering. I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering.I'm going to call it "Eau de Humanity"


The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!""So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear."Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"


What’s the best toothbrush for prostitutes? Oral D


If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.


I was sorting the sub by new. Nothing came up.


Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested. It’s called Reddit.


A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper? She shows him a mirror.


A joke on many levels What's gripping from start to finish?"The Rock Climber's Guide to Masturbation on the climb"


Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop.


What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist


A man comes into the courthouse and says... "Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank."  "That's... unfortunate", replies the clerk, "are you here for a name change?"  "Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward."


Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out.


How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"


Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny


A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds.


Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence. For example:Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.


Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries.


Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel Great sedimental value.(I can't take credit.  Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)


We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old.


What's the difference between the Japanese precision aerobatic team, and the Rockettes? The Japanese precision aerobatic team are known for their cunning stunts.


What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)


My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal.


A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?


Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus? They make the toys.


I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed.


I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day. In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.


What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible? the movie will be Impossible.


Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)


What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles


How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots


I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."


A Buddhist morning be like Rice and shrine everyone!


When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.


Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.


A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change


If mass and energy are the same thing, how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?


Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!


Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE.


a man has been stealing tires from the cops I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him.


Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.


Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large? The oysters are calling it a clamity.


6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period


dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head "Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"


I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? "No thanks, I'm traveling light!"


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup


I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.


What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui.


I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up.


How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.'


A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline.


I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.'


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.'


What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.


What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!'


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.'


How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!


So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.


I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.


I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!'


I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.


Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.


I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.


Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?


Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'


Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.


What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.


What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'


Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.


Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.


What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.'


What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.


I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.


What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.


Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.'


Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.


What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.


Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.


What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.


What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.


Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.


How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.


Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”


A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50.


I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket.


What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.


I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!


A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”


What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.


I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.


What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.


Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air


My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.


What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.


I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.


What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.


How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.


Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.


I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!


I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.


How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.


What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.


What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue.


Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.


What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.


Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.


What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.


What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”


Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.


I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well.


What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.


Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.


My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.


What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.


After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.


Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.


What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.


How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.


A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!


I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”


Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.


What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.


6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.


What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.


What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.


What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!


I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.


Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.


I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.


At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”


What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.


What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis.


I went a week without makeup and here's what happened: Nothing. No one gave a shit.


One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ... Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”


My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour. Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.


My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”


Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions.


My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He'll be born in March


My wife is just like her toothbrush. On my ass every day for no good reason.


My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again ..


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte.


How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they can't reach that high


Google Plus was the gym of social networking We all joined but no one ever used it


Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even.


Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.


I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me "Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!"I told him "No, he's an asshole."


I'll say this about Drake Most rappers date nines and tens, but he goes to Eleven


Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.


In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin? A squash :3


What do you call the connection between a family of Force users? The Force Kin.


I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.


In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."


I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'


Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.


It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway tl;dr Too long, didn't read


What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'


Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath


Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."


Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts. In about a month, it will really be no Fair.


As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon.


Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call


Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.


What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.


Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found


I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?


Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece.


I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.


Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.


What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino


Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.


I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why? Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.


How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh? Nothing- It's on the house


My wife and I share a sense of humour... Coz we have to...She doesn’t have one.


Why are farmers so good at drawing circles? Because the are Protractors


A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"Man: "Well, it's a long story."


In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.


A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?


Saw in the new year with some Australian kangaroo beer Nice and hoppy


My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling... I guess you could say it was two tired!


How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.


What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.


I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it.


Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they're hill areas.


Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.


I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.


What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison.


What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.


Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.


Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.


What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.


What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.


What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!


I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.


How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.


What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.


Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.'


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.


I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.


I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad.


I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.'


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.'


I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.


My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…


Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!'


Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.


What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.'


Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.


What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.


I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.


Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.


How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)


Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.


What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.


Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.


How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.'


How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.


Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!


My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.'


A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!'


What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.


My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.


I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.


Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?'


I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.'


My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.


Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.


Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?


If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.


Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.


The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!


I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.


Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.


What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…


A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.


What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.


“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”


Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.


What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.


After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.


Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.


My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.


I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.


Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!


My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.


What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!


How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.


I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.


I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”


One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship.


Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”


Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.


What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”


My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!


My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.


What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.


I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.


What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.


You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.


What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.


I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.


I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”


How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.


I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.


I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.


Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.


Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.


What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.


What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.


To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.


Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.


My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.


You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.


What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!


What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!


Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.


What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.


Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate.


What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1


During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes.


What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom


Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.


I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.


I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.


What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element? Un un quadium. Then, uranium


My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."


Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese.


3 kangaroos walk into a bar "Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.


I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans


I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.


Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”


My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath... I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.


I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window.


For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.


Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara.


How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match? They're both blow for blow


Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes? For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.


Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic? A: A PearlJam 😃


My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing. ...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.


The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.


It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!


I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot He’s still asking how I got in his closet


I always try to bank on personality. On an unrelated note, I'm in debt.


What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!


My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom It was just pictures of me


They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.


If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job


How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box


Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups


My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.


What did they circle say when he found out he wasn't actually a circle? "Yeah whatever, I'm Oval it"


Some lions just escaped a nature reserve in South Africa They were rejected from their group.They could maybe ask to be let in the group againBut their pride wouldn't let them.


What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise


Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. "Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"


Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon? There are children all over China bragging they sewed it.


What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma.


I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo


I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.